Up All Night (2011) s02e05 Episode Script

- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Both: Aah! Wooo! So friggin' awesome, right? I love you, babe.
Aw, I love you too, honey.
Yeah! Woo! [Pounding.]
Oh, dude, what's the noise for? Well, this pizza's a goner.
You want to order Chinese or Indian? What, and wait 20 minutes for it to be delivered? No, honey, I'll never make it that long.
All right, then I say that we go with frozen tupperware surprise.
Whatever you say, baby.
Well, here we are.
Another boring-ass Friday night.
- Yeah, it's Saturday.
- Oh, it is? Last night we ate cereal, watched half a judging Amy, then I clipped my toenails, then you clipped your toenails.
Well, our feet are ready to party, but here we are sitting at home.
Honey, we are in a rut, seriously.
I mean, when was the last time we went anywhere? It's been a while.
I'm going to say fireworks.
The fourth of July? That was like three months ago.
We didn't even make it.
We came home, we youtubed "fireworks.
" [Microwave beeps.]
Aw, man! We need a Saturday night out.
Yeah, I know.
[Groans.]
What kind of soup is this? Cream of breast milk.
Ah, that's so gross.
[Upbeat music.]
[Smooching.]
Hello.
Honey, look who's here.
Vanessa, Amy's most favoritest babysitter that we loved and trusted above anybody else.
Hi, Mr.
Brinkley.
Oh, please, Mr.
Brinkley is Billy Joel's ex-father-in-law.
Call me Chris.
I thought you were babysitting for the pearlmans.
Yes, she was, but Allie and Steve are divorcing, so she is available again.
That is awesome ly upsetting for every all parties.
It's just so sad.
So I was saying to Vanessa how impossible it's been for us to find a good babysitter for Saturday nights.
We haven't had one in months.
But I also told her that we would give her back to the pearlmans, like, in a second if it would keep them together.
Right? - Right? Right? - Yeah.
[Both mouthing words.]
Oh, Allie and Steve, why? - Why, right? Why? - I know.
- Why? - They seemed so great.
[Singing with radio.]
you know I'm such a fool - for you - [Groans.]
I'm sorry, dude.
If the cranberries are playing, I'm singing.
No, I just I found out Connie's dating someone.
Like, seriously dating.
Some guy that owns a chain of ski shops The kind that look like chalets.
It's bugging me more than I thought it would.
You guys were married for six years of course it hurts.
She added "outdoors" to her interests on Facebook.
That bastard's brainwashing her.
It's hard to move on.
I get it.
To me it sounds like she's got you wrapped around her finger, and ah oh seriously, I'm gonna punch you in the face.
All right, listen, you have to rise above, dude.
Find somebody new.
You know what, I might have the perfect girl for you.
Our babysitter Vanessa.
She's cute, funny, studying to be a cpa, which means she could eventually do your taxes.
All things I like in a girlfriend.
Yeah, she's great.
You know, I think you guys would really hit it off.
Cool.
Thanks, Chris.
[Over radio.]
I just wanna be with you I'm in so deep both: you know I'm such a fool for you we are out, baby.
Without a baby! Um, hi, there.
I would like to have your strongest and fruitiest drink, please.
And in a novelty cup like a tiki or a Buddha.
Something like that.
Just whatever holds the most amount of vodka.
And I will have a Martini, dirty.
- Also in a Buddha.
- Buddha, nice.
Yeah, great call on the cab, babe.
Right? You know what? Let me, um, text Vanessa right quick.
Oh, come on, babe, Vanessa is awesome and Amy is fine.
So just phone down and drink up.
And done.
There, drink on, baby.
Oh, there's Ava and Jerry.
- Hi.
- Oh, Jerry.
Don't Be nice, okay? Ava's very excited.
This is their first night date.
I can't believe we don't have any veto power over Ava's dates, that there's not like a kill switch or something.
- Here they are.
- Hello, brinkleys.
- Hey! - Hey, the Brinkley family.
- Hi.
- How are you? There's my dawg, Chris t.
[Punching sound effects.]
Oh, God, Jerry and I just had the most exhilarating hot yoga sesh.
It's the best yoga studio in all of L.
A.
My buddy kresh plays live sitar there, and today he was just wailing.
He was like [Mimics sitar.]
[Shrill vocalizations.]
Hey, so how sweet is this, right? What do we decide on? Fantastic four, fab four, or four horsemen? Oh, we were kind of going no name, like, just no-naming it.
- Nothing is good.
Yeah.
- Nothing's great.
Oh, no way! My buddy is the bartender.
He's gonna totally hook us up.
We used to play disc golf together.
I'm gonna get you a dirty Martini.
Are you into the gin? I love the gin.
Yummy.
Danny broth, you old frisbee-tossing sack of turds.
Honey, you hate gin.
I only hate gin because it tastes like pine-sol.
And Jerry told me that I have a very naive palate.
He's really opened me up to so many wonderful things.
Plus, I love that Jerry knows so much about everything.
- I think he's my satsang.
- What's a satsang? It's yoga for "truth company.
" Well, a satsang says so much.
[Laughs.]
- I'm getting another.
- Hey, man.
Uh, was there actual vodka in this? Because we need more.
My God, has alcohol gotten "strongler" or what? Has it got did I say, "strongler"? It's been a while since I boozed it up, and it's definitely working on me.
Honey, is it weird that 'nessa hasn't texted me back yet? I'm going to text her really quickly.
"How's Amy?" Oh, my God, it just auto-corrected to "anus".
"How's anus?" It's not funny.
It sent it, I sent it.
[Laughs.]
Mmm, calamari.
My faves.
Mmm, mine too.
Nummers.
Mmm-eww-oh.
Oh, I just like to Mmm, hold it in my mouth Just for a little bit Blah! - Both: Oh! - Oh! Oh, that's okay.
It's tricky.
Ava, please, just be yourself.
Will you just tell him that you hate calamari? What? No.
Reagan.
That That is, uh With a passion.
I hate it so much.
Ava, you don't have to do things you don't like just to impress me.
What I like most about you is you.
- Aw.
- Gross.
That is so sweet.
I really hate gin too.
Well, then you should just order whatever you want, babe.
Great.
Pinot greej, rocks, pilsner glass.
Go.
Did she text you back? - What's going on, seriously? - I don't know.
I think that maybe the anus auto-correct thing, like, freaked her out or something.
Why is she not texting me back? What's going on? Oh, my God, what's happening? - There might have been a tragedy.
- We gotta get outta here.
- Oh, my God, we got to go.
- What? Sorry, we got to get out of here, you guys.
All right, excuse me.
You have to move! - There's this emergency.
- All right, sweetie.
- I'll call you.
- There's an emergency! 'Scuse me.
Oh, wait.
You know what? I do need these'll look really good holding our toothbrushes.
Or even pens.
Or just, you know, like - Chris! Oh, my God! - Right, we gotta go.
Scott? What are you doing here? Get your things off of each other.
- What is going on here? - We're just eating popcorn.
Hey, come on.
They're just having popcorn.
What are you doing in my house with your mouth on my babysitter? She's supposed to be here alone focusing on taking care of my child.
You know what, Vanessa, I've been texting you.
I texted you.
Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry.
Oh, my gosh.
Chris, Vanessa's great.
Wait a minute, wha You set them up? Who's uh I guess I did, technically.
- What? - Babe, come on.
I know I screwed up our night tonight, but look, a serious love connection.
"How's anus?" It's an auto-correct, Vanessa.
- You shut your mouth.
- It still gets me.
Seriously, man, you should, like, start a dating service or something.
This is amazing.
I could call it, like, charmony, right? Instead of eharmony, because it's "c" for Chris.
Why would you do that? Why would you set them up? Now you have screwed us out of all of our Saturday nights.
Oh, come on, babe.
How is that possible? Um, Vanessa? Are you still available to babysit next Saturday night? Sorry, I think I have plans now.
"We" have plans.
Oh, I get it now.
I see what your point [Slurping.]
Hey, yours is really good.
- Suck it.
- I was sucking it.
I'm just so bummed.
We were supposed to go to that really cool outdoor movie screening thing with Ava this weekend, and now what? Now we're just gonna be sitting at home watching movies like a couple of jerks.
Maybe not.
Sorry Roger was such a stinker pot.
He will not stay out of the cat box.
No, honey, we cannot ask Gene and Terry for their sitter.
Was it in his mouth? Who said anything about asking? Chris.
Chris, we do not steal.
Amy, don't worry, honey.
Mama and papa have really high moral fiber, like Tebow and Ghandi.
Ah, you're right, you're right, you're right.
I just I screwed up, and we're just doomed for life.
Good news is we still have a bunch of issues of hemispheres magazine to catch up on.
I can't wait to read what the top five hotel swimming pools are.
Again.
And again.
- Well, look who it is.
- How are you doing there? Wow, that is a cute Jean vest you got going on there.
Did you distress that yourself? That is great.
A lot of pockets.
So smart.
How's everything over at g and t's? Good.
I'm sensing a little "but" in there.
A little "but".
Bet it's their basic cable package, huh? God, Gene's so tight with a nickel.
Oh, guys, I really don't How's the snack sitch over there? It's okay.
I get to have unlimited glasses of Gene's homemade coke.
I'll let you in on a little secret our pantry is stocked.
Chips, puffs, bugles.
Gummies bear and worm.
What do you say, hil? You, Amy, our place, Saturday night? I have to be loyal to Gene and Terry.
You want to talk paper? Moolah.
"Caysh.
" - No.
- How much they paying you? - It's not about money.
- We'll double it.
- No, really.
- We'll triple it.
- Five-hour minimum? - Oh! Well, okay, great.
Oh, hey, we'll get you that recipe.
- Don't you fret.
- Yes, on the corner - is the best place to make a - It's the the reci - Yep.
- Yep.
For the recipe.
[Clears throat.]
Seeing a movie in a graveyard Daily candy listed it as the number four cool thing to do this weekend.
So, yeah, we're pretty cool.
Yeah, I know, although I still feel pretty guilty about stealing Hilary, so No, babe, come on.
We need our Saturday nights.
No, no, no, trust me, it's a low-level guilt.
It's just enough to talk about it, not enough to do anything about it, so [Sitar strum.]
Both: Oh, Jerry.
- Namaste, brinkleys.
- Hi, honey.
The four horsemen of the chillpocalypse.
What? The name I chose for our group.
You wouldn't choose, so I did.
- Oh, good.
- That's such a winner.
So, what do you think? I went with an Indian theme to match the movie.
- Nice.
- Yeah, I got really into South Asian culture and cinema when I toured pimpri-cinchwada in my buddy's motorgaadi.
It's hindi for "car.
" Oh, look who it is! Hey, jer.
Thanks for the invitation.
- Are you kidding me? - It's okay.
Sit down.
Ooh, sweet.
Hot pockets.
No, those are samosas.
It's like an Indian hot pocket.
- Ahh.
- Yes.
How's Amy? She loves her new sitter, she really does.
She's a wonderful gal.
She returns her texts and stuff like that.
She does not "eat popcorn" with my brother, so she's a gem.
I'm just letting her know how good she is.
She's a gem.
Let's just have fun, huh? Okay.
[Bollywood music.]
okay, you're responsible for that.
That's you.
Come on, babe, I was just trying to help Scott get over Oof.
That groping is a little skeevy.
- Isn't it? - Right? Some buttery naan for my hotness? Mm-hm.
Buttery naan for hotness, please.
Both: Mmm.
Now he loves it when I tell him exactly what I want.
Do you want Jerry to suck that ghee off your fingers? Mm-hm, I'd love Jerry to.
My little birdy num-num.
And then I never stopped throwing up.
Babe, come on.
Eyes on the movie.
Focus, focus, focus.
Or It's not gross when we do it.
No.
- We needed this, babe.
- We did.
[Phone chimes.]
No, come on.
Ignore it, ignore it, ignore it.
I can't, honey.
If it's an emergency, - we can't ignore it.
- Is it ever an emergency? Hilary saw someone in the backyard.
Okay.
Emergency.
All right, pack it up.
You know what? Forget the chairs.
Let's just get out of here.
Excuse us, sorry.
So sorry to interrupt your night out.
I just I heard noises.
It's okay.
I will go check it out.
Wait, what? No, no, no, I check it out.
Oh, jeez.
No, babe, grab one of the big ones with the puppet top on it.
Everybody knows that a short iron is better for beatings.
- Do they? - Hilary, I want you to dial and if stuff gets real, double down on that 1.
All right, come on, honey.
Give me some sunshine here.
[All scream.]
Shut it down! Shut it down! Shut it down! Oh, my God.
Okay, what are we going to do? She's gonna kill us.
Oh, my God.
Does she have a knife? [Both scream.]
- Oh! - Hey! Both: Hey, Terry.
How are you? How are you doing? You know what Gene and I did tonight instead of going out? A kitten puzzle.
A gosh-darn kitten puzzle.
In your defense, you seem like a puzzle person.
There were three pieces missing.
We couldn't even finish it.
I hate going there, and I don't want to go there, but you two are some sneaky so and SOS.
I know, I listen, Terry, I am so sorry.
I know that I have committed the ultimate mom-to-mom betrayal here, but I You can have Hilary back, okay? I think that everybody has learned - a valuable lesson here.
- Yeah.
Hil, you should probably check your own morals.
You caved real easy.
You but you Just take a snack and go.
Not the bugles, Hilary.
Well, you know what I'm going to be doing next Saturday night? You're looking at it.
so just help yourself to whatever's in the fridge.
Of course, except for the sauvignon blanc.
[Laughter.]
- Hide the booze, okay? - Yeah, okay.
Um, anyway, here are the emergency contact numbers.
[Dance music ringtone.]
Ooh, that's What? Shut up.
You are so not saying that to me right now.
She's great, right? She's great.
Totally great.
Totally, totally great.
Baby, I was babysitting at 16, you know, so it's it's fine.
Totally fine.
There's no way in hell.
In no world are we leaving Amy with that.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
I guess we should go to the club now, huh? Yeah, uh, I don't think we're gonna be able to go to the concert now, because our babysitter Is a living nightmare.
No, I just - This is totes imports.
- Ugh.
Amy, you are going to make one cute little nun, I'll tell you that much.
So, how about you and Vanessa just go to the silversun pickups without us, okay? Actually, Vanessa gave me the old dump-ho.
- No.
- Aw, man.
Huh.
Aw, I'm sorry, honey.
I-I yes, I was really mad when you guys got together, but now I just hate her for dumping you.
I just thought maybe going to the concert would take my mind off things, but now I just don't even feel like going, I don't think.
Dude, why don't you just hang here with us? - Yeah, do that.
- We already bought the tickets, so you guys should go.
I can stay here and babysit Amy.
Oh, no, come on, Scott, don't even.
No, come on, that's just The last two Saturdays have been a bust for you guys.
Somebody should have a good night.
- Okay, thank you.
- That sounds good.
- All right, good luck.
- Bye! Bye, everybody.
- Woo! - Woo! - Woo! - Woo-hoo! Right? Yeah! Woo-woo-woo-woo! Wow, does nobody get pumped up anymore? No, maybe because they are too busy being so "kewl.
" Would you just take them off? - Hello, brinkleys.
- Hello.
Pardon Jerry's ridiculous driving gloves that he wears to drive his jetta.
[Chuckles.]
It's a toureg, and excuse me for not wanting to get hand oils all over my sport package steering wheel.
- What up, Chris t? - Mm.
Hey, man, I think I can score some spots over by the board because my buddy runs sound here.
[Mocking.]
"My buddy runs sound here.
" God! "Oh, my buddy's gonna meet with mayor villaraigosa.
" "Oh, my buddy's friends with the fleet manager at the volkswagen dealership.
" Who's your best friend, Jerry? Buddy guy? I wish that he was because I'm actually a major blues fan.
So congrats.
That's not even a burn on me.
Ohhhh! Are we maybe witnessing - the end of Jerry? - I believe so.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Why don't you just go get us some drinks, okay? Nothing muddled, nothing infused.
Just two white wines and whatever it is that you want.
Gah! Whatever happened to you loving it when I tell you exactly what I want? Well, it's become relentless.
You're the bossiest woman in the whole world.
God, he makes me so hot.
- What? - [Groans.]
Damn it.
[Phone chimes.]
Oh.
- What now? - Oh.
- Nothing.
- Oh, so sweet.
I know, he is, isn't he? Well, I was talking about Amy, but, yeah, Scott's pretty sweet too.
Oh, I feel bad for him right now, sitting there on a Saturday night, all sad and busted.
Yeah, left in the dust by Connie, and then dumped by that divisive minx Vanessa.
I know, and then we leave him.
Do you think we should go home and hang out with Scott? Well, I do now.
Yeah, let's go.
I know, babe.
It's just [Crowd cheers.]
Ladies and gentlemen, the silversun pickups! Or we could jam an entire Saturday night's worth of awesome into three songs or less.
- Let's do that.
- Yeah, let's do that.
Both: Woo! [Playing mean spirits.]
woo! mean spirits are high mean spirits high what's up, Los Angeles? You ready to rock? Woo! What the [Bleep.]
? Yeah, that's my wife! I love you, baby! That's my wife, dude! And don't try sneaking in wearing sunglasses or a hat with built-in dreadlocks.
I'll know.
[Softly.]
Dork.
- What? - Nothing, sir.
Mm-hm.
Thrown out of a rock club? Banned from a rock club.
I mean, come on.
How many couples can say that that's their Saturday night? Seriously, and post-baby, no less.
- Love it.
Let's go.
- Yeah, that's pretty good.
- What? - Wait, wait.
My keys must have fallen in the pit - while I was crowd-surfing.
- Oh, no.
And my phone and my wallet.
Great, I've been mugged.
That is so punk rock.
Aw, man, right on, baby.
- Hey, you know what? - What? Let's try to take our pictures off the wall.
- Yeah, lets - Don't touch those! - Oh, got it.
Okay.
- Never mind.
What's the matter with you two? You're parents with a child.
I know.
So rad.
I know, right? You know what, Scottie? We've got Amy from here.
Yeah.
Why don't you why don't you take my wristband and get the hell in there? Forget Vanessa.
[Playing the pit.]
clean out your wounds with dirty fingers we'll bury the lie somebody somewhere will clean out your wounds My guy Ah! we'll bury the lie bury the lie