Up Pompeii (1970) s02e05 Episode Script
Nymphia
1 (LIQUID FLOWING) What are you laughing for? Have you never seen a man getting water before? Now, you are a strange lot, I must say.
Let's, er Now, listen, settle down now, please.
That's it.
Settle down now.
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear, I'm all wet.
I wish I'd put me waterproof knickers on now.
Never mind.
Now, settle down now, and please, no untoward tittering.
Greetings, good citizens.
The prologue.
Our story tonight, concerns Samson and Delilah.
Delilah.
Now, Delilah was a beautiful woman.
She was beautiful.
Beautiful, austere, and very, very talented.
And she ran a barbershop.
Now, Samson, known to all the wrestling fans as Sam the Ram, he Please, please, you're tittering now.
He was very handsome, very big, very muscular, and he had hair down to here, and, well, everywhere, really.
And on the day in question, he was trolling through Delilah's hairdressing emporium.
He was going there for his chest, you see, to have it permed and styled.
And it came to pass Woe, woe and thrice woe! Here she is, your favourite and mine, Senna the Soothsayer.
Hmm.
Available for wakes and funerals.
-I have been in communication with the stars.
-Have you? -And I have had intercourse with Venus.
-I beg your pardon? What is it Say that again? I have had intercourse with Venus.
Ooh, the things I wouldn't dare say that! I wouldn't get away with things like that.
The signs are all against those who wish to travel the path of true love.
Oh, I see, it's a one way, is it? I see.
-Gemini is in opposition to Taurus -"Taurus"? and in juxtaposition to Virgo.
"Virgo"? Well, she won't be a Virgo much longer then, will she? -Scoff not! -"Scoff not".
-Scoff not! -Well, I said, "Scoff not"! They've been drinking scoff mixture.
"Scoff mixture".
The prediction is, that any alliance between man and woman, will only lead to trouble.
That's not a prediction, that's a foregone conclusion.
Let's face it.
Venus has spoken! I thought it was you all that time! It was Venus! Isn't that clever? Beware! Beware! Beware! Oh, poor soul.
I do feel sorry for her.
No, she's a She can't help it, she's embittered, you know.
Oh, she's terribly embittered, poor soul.
I do feel sorry for her.
Well, you Did you see that ring on her finger? That ring on her finger.
Well, apparently I gather this.
That was given to her when she was 18, by the man she loved, then he left her.
And, of course, she's never had it off since.
And it is Please, please.
Anyway, I know you haven't come here to listen to gossip, so we shall continue, continue with the prologue.
-Now, it came to pass -AMMONIA: Lurcio? Oh, dear.
Yes.
Yes, mistress? Lurcio, come inside quickly.
My guest, Dextrus Secundus, is leaving now.
Ooh, now? That's funny, he's only been in there 10 minutes.
I wonder why she called him a guest? I thought he was a dressmaker, 'cause she told me he'd come to try something new on her.
Well, there it is.
Ah, there must have been some misunderstanding, and it's in your minds.
Excuse me.
Lurcio, give him his things.
Er, yes.
What did I do wrong? What did you do wrong? Daring to ask me, the wife of one of one Pompeii's leading senators, to go away with you for the weekends! And to Ithaca.
I thought you'd like it.
"Like it"? Have you no sense of propriety? Besides, Ithaca's a dump.
Lurcio, show him the door.
Yes, mistress, it's that painted thing with knobs on.
-What? -No, mistress, not you, the door! The door.
Really, Lurcio, enough of this nonsense.
Show him out.
Yes, mistress.
Come along, sir.
There we are.
Very well.
Then go to Hades! Oh, you should have said that before.
Oh.
And Hades is so much more fashionable.
And so much warmer, mistress.
Right.
But, Lurcio, if Dextrus should call again, tell him I am not available.
Oh, yes, mistress, very well.
"Not available".
Ah, well.
Would you believe it? I never thought I'd live to see the day my mistress would say she's not available.
Well? Oh, it's no secret.
It's no secret, she's man mad.
She's known around here as "the Gardener".
She is! "The Gardener", 'cause she goes from bed to bed.
"Bed to bed"! Isn't this witty? Isn't it? Well, please yourselves.
No, there's nothing she likes better, than a good rake round the border.
That's why we can't keep any boarders here, you see.
I can't think why she's got rid of that chap so quickly, unless she's turned over a new leaf.
"New leaf"! Gardens, rakes! Oh, come on, this is so subtle! It's going to waste.
We've been rehearsing this all week.
Though you mightn't think so.
Now Ah, do you know something? I think that old bag, Senna, was right.
I think the path of true love is going to find difficulty, after all.
Well, it doesn't concern me, 'cause I don't need paths.
I don't have any path of true love.
So, let's continue with the prologue.
It came to pass, that Oh, happy, happy day! Oh, dear.
This is my master's young son, Nausius.
-Oh, rapture! Rapture! -Ooh.
He's a silly boy.
He's always rapturing himself.
-Oh, Lurcio.
-Yes, young master.
I have such wonderful news.
Where's Mother and Father? Oh, your father? He's down in the market place, handing out food to the needy.
-And Mother? -Yeah, she's in her bedroom.
-Handing it out, too? -I think we can safely say that, yes.
Oh, well, never mind, Lurcio.
-I've got such wonderful news.
-Have you? -I've met the most marvellous, wonderful girl.
-Have you? -Yes.
Oh, Lurcio, she's an angel.
-Is she? -So pure and innocent.
-Oh.
I had to give it to her straight away.
You did? My gold signet ring.
I see.
She is a lucky girl, isn't she? -And, Lurcio, I'll tell you another thing.
-What? -She's knows what it's for.
-Well, they usually do, these days, don't they? Yes, to express my undying love for her.
Yes.
I suppose, young master, as you're so excited, you haven't had time to dash off a little teensy-weeny ode or anything, have you? -Oh yes, I have, Lurcio.
-Oh, he has! -Good.
Well, we'd have missed that, wouldn't we? -Here.
May I harangue the assembled populace with this? Please.
(CLEARING THROAT) "Ode to My One and Only Love".
Ah, sweet.
(IN DRAMATIC VOICE) "So pure and chaste" Oh, dear.
I went all high then.
You notice that? "So pure and chaste I found my love I felt a different man I thought I'd go clean round the bend and flush right down to the roots of my hair" I couldn't think of an apt rhyme there.
Well, you will, at your convenience.
Well, young master, are you betrothed? -Yes, Lurcio.
She accepted me immediately.
-Did she? -We have plighted our troth.
-Oh, you cheeky little plighter, isn't he? -We're going to be wed -Are you to be wed? and to live in eternal bliss.
-Ooh.
No, no.
-Oh, I can't wait to tell my parents! Mater, Mater! Oh, dear, it's marvellous! Oh, they're to be wed.
Oh, dear.
We're gonna have a wedding in the family.
Isn't it marvellous? When was the last time I went to a wedding? Let me see now.
Oh, yes! My mother's.
I remember that.
Now, the thing is, what shall I give that young boy for a wedding present? Now, let me think.
A compendium of games.
No, I think he'll get plenty to play with when he's married.
Let me think now.
Let me think of something he's never had.
No.
She'll be giving him that, so don't bother.
Eh? You're right, a rhyming dictionary.
Thank you for your Thank you very much indeed.
Thank you.
I'll get that.
How do I look? Fine, dear, fine.
Oh, good.
I must look my best when I meet Nausius' betrothed.
Oh, don't start crying again, Ammonia! I can't help it.
Oh, my son, my little baby, getting married.
Oh, it seems that only yesterday, he was lying there on the rug, playing with his dolly.
This is an occasion for rejoicing, Ammonia.
Fashionable wedding, all the best families invited.
You know, it might do me a bit of good, politically.
Oh, Ludicrus.
Ludicrus! Have you told him about the facts of life? "Facts"? What facts? Oh, for heaven's sake.
How babies are made.
Oh, that.
No, no.
You know I was never very much good at that sort of thing.
You don't have to tell me that! Well, never mind, someone will have to tell him.
Master, I was wondering if -The very person.
-LURCIO: Pardon? Ludicrus, go down to the wine cellar and bring up one of our best bottles of wine.
Yes, dear.
Lurcio, what is the best wine? Oh, the one from Germania, master.
Yes, it's the Hich Heich Hoch.
Oh, yes.
-Lurcio, come over here a moment.
-Here? Yes, now sit down there.
I want to have a little talk with you.
-Do you? -Yes.
It's about this business of the facts of life.
Ooh! Well, thank you, mistress, but I was already told about those at school.
Yes, by your tutor of course.
No, by the girl lying on the next desk.
Yes, yes, well, Lurcio, I didn't intend giving you a talk.
-Oh.
-No, I want you to explain it all to Nausius.
Oh, I couldn't presume to do that, mistress.
I mean, that's the task of a father, isn't it? Oh, alas, my husband cannot bring himself to do it.
Oh, well, but surely he can't have forgotten how to do it, surely.
NAUSIUS: Mater, I'm here! Ooh! Oh, they're here! Quick, oh, Lurcio, how do I look? -It's fine, yes, mistress.
-Show them in, now.
Show them in.
Enter, young master, enter.
-Mater? Oh, here you are! -Yes.
Here she is! (IN HEAVY COCKNEY ACCENT) Evening, all! Mater, this is Nymphia.
How do you do? Oh, I do pretty well, ta.
How about you? -Oh, very well, thank you.
-Yeah.
Yeah, I bet you do and all.
(ABRASIVE LAUGHTER) Isn't she wonderful? Yes.
(MOUTHING SILENTLY) -Lurcio! -Yes, mistress, yes.
Lurcio, perhaps you would show Nymphia where to powder her nose.
Ah, to Oh, yes, yes.
Certainly, mistress, yes.
Oh, don't bother! I know where to powder it.
Right 'ere.
Common as muck.
Yes, mistress didn't mean that, she wanted to know if you'd like to, well, if you want to go somewhere.
But I only just got 'ere.
Commoner than muck.
You mean, do I want to go to the lav? Muck itself.
I don't wanna go.
Twice a day does me, you know.
Mind you, me dad's the one.
What! He's always on the go.
Between you and me, he's got a weak Yes, yes, we know.
He's a window cleaner, and he has a weak ladder.
We understand.
-Ah! Oh, oh! -Pater, you haven't met Nymphia Oh, 'ello.
Oh, very nice, very nice.
They make a handsome pair, don't they, Lurcio? Yes.
Oh, yes, an outstanding pair, master.
Oh, here, come off it, Senator.
We've met before, don't you remember? Oh! -I know you was a bit sloshed, but, you know -No What? No, I'm afraid I can't recall ever having had the pleasure.
Oh, you didn't, no, but you didn't half try hard to.
Isn't she adorable? Yes, isn't she.
-Lurcio, Lurcio.
-Yes, yes, yes.
Excuse me, yes.
Oh, you bruised me.
Master, might I ask your bosom friend to ease over just a shade.
Thank you so much.
Yes, master.
Lurcio, would you come outside with me for just a moment? -I just want to discuss the wine with him, my dear.
-The wine? She's terrible, terrible, Lurcio! A dreadful girl! She's so uncouth.
Oh, yes, master, completely without couth.
I quite agree.
In fact, almost entirely gor blimus.
Yes, yes, never mind that.
-Now I've remembered where it was I saw her.
-Oh, yes? It was in that dreadful place on the Via Aphrodesia.
Oh, yes, the starker's club.
-That's right.
-Yes.
Oh, my wife would never believe my visit there was wholly innocent.
Oh, of course, master.
Oh, I was merely collecting evidence for my new anti-vice bill.
Yes, and naturally you wanted to get the bare facts, naturally.
Yes.
Well, now, look, I must go down to the Senate.
-You get rid of her, quickly.
-Yes, yes.
Well But, master, what do you mean "get rid of her"? Well, make some excuse.
Tell her there's trouble at home.
-"Trouble at home"? -Trouble at home.
-Go on.
Quickly.
-Yes, but how can I Yes, all right.
Erm, erm ahem.
Excuse me, miss, I hear that your place has been broken into.
Well, I never pretended to be any vestal virgin, did I? She's got all the best lines this week, you know, just 'cause she's a guest.
It's not right.
No, miss, an intruder has broken into your house.
Oh, I see.
Well, if me mum's there, he'll wish he hadn't.
I was just about to ask you, Nymphia, what does your mother do? Intruders, by the sound of it.
Well, she used to be a fish cook in a restaurant.
Yes, you can guess which department, on the batter.
"A fish cook".
How quaint.
And your father? Oh, he's in the second-hand chariot biz.
You've probably seen his place, Dextrus' Cart Mart.
Dextrus? Not Ambi Dextrus? Ah, see.
Do you know him, then? Oh, no.
No.
Oh, well, that's a surprise, he knows most of the likely stuff around town.
Oh, excuse me.
Lurcio! -Yes.
Oh, yes.
Excuse me.
-Lurcio.
Begging your pardon.
(AMMONIA SIGHING) -Quickly! Take me outside for some air.
-Yes, yes.
Lurcio, do you know who she is? She's Ambi Dextrus' daughter, that oaf who was here this morning.
Oh, you mean the one who was trying it on.
What? Your frock, your new frock.
Oh, yes, Lurcio.
Really, this is too embarrassing for words.
I don't care how you do it, but get her out of the house.
-Get rid of her, get rid of her! -Yes, but, mistress, how can I get rid of her? Get rid of her? It's always the same, it's always me.
It's always me.
"Get rid of this.
Get rid of that.
Get rid of the other.
" Well, I don't mind getting rid of "this" and "that", but "the other"? It's so hard to come by.
Of course, not for me, being so desirable.
Here, Naus, do you think your mum and dad like me? -Oh, they adored you, as do I.
-Oh.
-I wonder if I dare.
-What? I will.
Oh! Oh, I'm sorry! I lost control! Oh, God.
That's about all he will lose, the way he's going on.
Now, obviously I can't put him off her, can I? So, now.
How can I put her off him? That's the point.
How can I put her off him? Pardon? That's a good idea.
Yes, frighten her.
Yes, thank you.
Frighten her.
That's what I'll do.
That's a good suggestion there.
I'll frighten her, yeah.
Erm (CLEARING THROAT) Er, young master? -Oh, Lurcio.
-Yes.
I wish to be alone with my Nymphia.
Kindly leave us.
Will you be wanting the whip, as usual? -"The whip"? -Yes.
What should I want a whip for? Well Oh, I see.
Perhaps you prefer your hobnail boots? -"Hobnail boots"? -Yes.
What's he want them for? Bigger kicks.
Lurcio, I don't know what you're talking about.
Please, go away.
Very well, young master, but your mother said, if you're going to tie this girl up, would you mind not using the new curtain cords, thank you.
-What? -NAUSIUS: What? Oh, yes, and then she said, would you mind closing the windows, because the neighbours are complaining about the eternal screams.
-Here, you.
Just a minute.
-Yes? Does he always treat girls like this? Well, only when he's bored with feeding his vampires.
I trust you're not anaemic.
(WICKED LAUGHTER) You mean to say, he takes liberties? Well, I think you could put it that way, yes.
Oh, Nymphia, please don't be cross with me.
Cross? I'm furious! You do all that to other girls, and the most you've ever done to me is kiss me hand! Nymphia, it's all lies.
I don't even know what he's talking about.
-Well, I've never been so insulted in my life.
-It's not true, Nymphia.
You know what you are? (CHUCKLING) Here, Naus Ain't you a dark horse? Here, do you wanna come for a walk in the moonlight? But it's daylight.
Yeah, well, we can hang about a bit, can't we? The plan has gone wrong! The plan has gone wrong.
Who was that person who thought about "frighten her"? Silly thing to do.
Yes, you, sir, with the leather jacket, and the moustache and the dog leash.
Oh, I'm sorry, madam.
I'm sorry.
I beg your pardon.
Eh? I don't care if you are a marriage guidance counsellor, in future, kindly close your gob.
Thank you.
Oh, master.
Oh, master, I'm very, very sorry, the plan went wrong, I couldn't help it.
Mistress, how did I know it would make her even more determined to marry Nausius.
Kindly tell Lurcio it's all his fault, Ammonia.
And will you please tell Lurcio, that I entirely agree with you for once, Ludicrus.
It's quite clear she was merely after his good name and money.
Oh, you're so right, mistress.
I was talking to Ludicrus.
Our only hope now is she can find someone more influential and wealthy.
Yes, yes, that's a good idea.
Yeah, I quite agree with you, master.
I was talking to Ammonia.
-Oh, get knotted.
-What? I was talking to myself.
I was going to say, before I was so rudely interrupted, I was going to say, "Lurcio", I was gonna say, 'cause that's my name, "Lurcio", I was gonna say, "if only the master and mistress could find a wealthy suitor, someone richer, and more powerful, to lure, to lure that girl away from Nausius.
" -"Richer and more powerful"? -Yeah, yeah.
Yes, yes, of course, some wealthy potentate from the East.
-Yes, to lure her away.
-Yes, someone mysterious, dark and sexy.
Where can we find a wealthy potentate from the East? We don't know a potentate from the East.
To lure her.
-Unless -Unless Oh, no.
Not me! No, I couldn't! No, I couldn't lure! I can't lure! His Most Illustrious Highness, the Caliph of Khazi.
The Caliph of Khazi! (NYMPHIA GIGGLING) Who did you expect, Omar Sharif? Oh, now, please, girls! Now, please, one at a time.
Don't rush! Don't rush me! Rush Now, sit down! Form a queue! Now, come along.
There's plenty for all.
Now, don't worry.
-Greetings.
-Ah, yes, yes.
Now, come along girls.
Go back to your tent.
Off you go.
Come along.
I have spoken, off you go.
Go along.
Go along now.
(SHOUTING) Go on, get out of it! Get out of it! Get out of it! Well, I'm sorry.
It's the only way to treat a harem.
Scare 'em.
"Harem, scare 'em"! "Harem, scare 'em.
" Oh, please thyselves.
-Well, now.
-Greetings, Illustrious Highness.
Greetings, ancient one.
May the sun shine down upon you And upon you.
and light up your days.
And up yours.
May I present In the red corner -the woman you wished to meet.
-Ah, yes.
-Nymphia.
-Ah, Nymphia, Nymphia.
Oh! Pleased, I'm sure.
Yes, Nymphia, whose beauty of form, reminds me of the Hanging Gardens of Babylon.
Oh, yes.
Beauteous, abundant, and, above all, two in number.
Oh, I say.
Are you keen on gardening, then? Well, well, I like to get my dibber out occasionally.
-Your Highness? -Yes.
Senate business, I must leave.
You will understand? Oh, yes, of course, ancient one, yes.
In the words of the great Omar Khayyám, "He who neglects his official duties, is like unto a man who ventures afield on a donkey.
Out on his ass.
" -There's no need to overdo it.
-All right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Yes, now.
Ah, my treasure.
Away with you to the lavabo, yes, and prepare yourself.
Oh, don't giggle, it's authentic, this.
Now, maidens.
Come along, please, maidens.
Shower her with rose petals, anoint her with oils, and then return her to me for the final polishing off.
-Ta ra, then.
-Bye.
-Yes.
-Now, listen to me, you.
-Yes, yes.
-I'm getting Nausius here, and I want him to find you and her in a compromising position.
"In a compromising position", yes.
Preferably, in flagrante delicto.
Oh, I don't think I know that one, master.
Without your clothes on! Oh! Oh, I couldn't do that, master, I should disclose my identity.
Not you! -Oh! -Her! Her! Oh, yes.
And you have to be quick about it (LAUGHTER) -Oh, here she is.
-Yes, yes.
Farewell, Illustrious Highness.
May the gods bless you with strength and boldness in your wooing.
Worry not, old one.
Ah, my pearl, my star of the East.
Oh, rainbow of my desire.
Come, let us taste the fruits of passion.
Let us find a handy pouf.
Eh? Oh.
Oh, you mean that little settee.
"Settee, settee".
To think, we turned Vanessa Redgrave down for this part.
Ah, my treasure, my star of the East.
Do you know, I've got a funny feeling I've seen your face somewhere before.
Really? Perhaps in your dreams.
Oh, no.
I never have nightmares.
Yes.
Saucy cow.
Oh, star of my East, shower of my bunches.
Oh, be mine, be mine.
Oh, I have a yen for you.
Oh, sorry, I don't take Chinese money.
I can't stand these corny gags, can you? Oh, no, no.
There is only one thing I want.
Yes, say what it is.
Anything! To be the reigning lady of Khazi.
I see, you want to share my throne.
I see.
To be Mrs Caliph.
-"Mrs Caliph"? -Yeah.
-What do you mean, marry you? -Why, have you got something against it? Frankly, yes.
In the words of the great Omar Khayyám, "A man who enters into wedlock, is like a man who occasionally resorts to money lenders.
Hard up for a bit.
" I wouldn't settle for anything else.
All right, then.
If I grant you what you want, will you do something for me in return? Well, that depends, before or after? (IN DEEP VOICE) Now.
Yes.
Now.
-I'll do that once more, it went well, that.
-Lovely.
Now.
Listen, do that dance.
Do that dance you do at the Striptus Teasenclub.
I've heard it drives men mad, mad with desire.
Oh, well, I'm hardly dressed for it.
So I've heard.
Well, all right, then.
Have you got any music? -Yes, of course, my treasure.
-Oh, good.
Music is Oh! In the words of the great Omar Khayyám, "Curses on these bloody slippers!" They've got points on them, you see.
You keep tripping up.
You feel such a fool.
Well, I shall bang my gong.
Ah, Jeremy.
Jeremy Do you mind, please? Jeremy, would you put on a discus for dancing? -Yes, your Highness.
-Thank you, Jeremy.
-Oh, do park yourself.
-Very well, I shall recline here.
-This is it, now.
-Yes.
Will you commence? Wait one moment, please.
One moment.
Let me get me air-cooling system going first.
There we are.
Now, where do I put this? You dare.
Go on, you dare.
Right, commence.
Clap, clap.
(THE STRIPPER PLAYING ON HARP) Here we are.
Here we are.
Yes.
Oh! Yes.
Oh, thank you, dear.
Oh, caught you! I'll put this in the cloak room.
Here we are.
Oh! Oh, mind how you go now.
Oh! Oh, saucy.
We'll let you know.
Oh, yeah! Oh, my Ooh! Moon of my delight.
No, perhaps not.
This is it now.
It won't be long now.
Oh! Here we are! Ha-ha! For the first time on your screens, never before seen, that well-known pair, left and right.
Your Highness.
What, Jeremy? Excuse me, your Highness, there is a visitor.
A visitor.
Oh, that silly old fool is here already.
He's too soon.
All right well, look Right, show him in.
Get him in.
-Look, quick, sit down here.
-Oh, but I haven't finished me dance, yet.
Don't worry, I'll soon finish you off.
Get back here.
-There we are.
Beautiful.
-Oh, Caliph.
Caliph.
Oh! Good evening, Your Highness.
I'm Dextrus Secundus, from the used cart mart.
I wonder if I could interest -Nymphia! -Oh, Dad! Oh, yes! Dad! What are you doing in this man's harem? Get back to your mother.
-And as for you, you dirty old potentate -Oh, no, please, listen, it No, it was I'll murder you, I'll kill you! Oh! Oh, Dad, no! Oh! (WHINING WITH PAIN) Oh, now, don't laugh.
It's wicked to mock the afflicted.
What a day, what a night, eh? I think that old bag, Senna, was right, the signs are against the true path of love.
I think mine must have a "no entry" sign on it.
Do you mind if I finish the prologue standing up? No? You're very kind.
Well, it came to pass, -that Samson -Lurcio? -What happened to you? -Pardon? -What happened to you? -You ask your fiancée.
-Oh, no.
That's all off, Lurcio.
-"All off"? -I could never marry a girl like that.
-Why? -You see, I found out what she was.
-You what? You did? -Well, I hate to have to say it, but she's a -Yes.
Yes, say it.
-She's a -What? A vegetarian! (SOBBING) Would you believe it? All that work for nothing.
Oh, well.
In future, I shall stick to the job I know best, which is, of course, the prologue.
Now, it came to pass Woe, woe and thrice woe! Now, that's all I needed.
The time has come! The end is here! Well, she's quite right, of course, the time, the end is here.
Tempus has finally fugit-ed.
Oh, well, I can't finish the end of Samson and Delilah, but you haven't missed much.
No, you haven't missed anything, really.
In the words of the great Omar Khayyám, "The legend of Samson and Delilah, is like unto a coach party of shoemakers.
A load of cobblers.
" Salute.
Let's, er Now, listen, settle down now, please.
That's it.
Settle down now.
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear, I'm all wet.
I wish I'd put me waterproof knickers on now.
Never mind.
Now, settle down now, and please, no untoward tittering.
Greetings, good citizens.
The prologue.
Our story tonight, concerns Samson and Delilah.
Delilah.
Now, Delilah was a beautiful woman.
She was beautiful.
Beautiful, austere, and very, very talented.
And she ran a barbershop.
Now, Samson, known to all the wrestling fans as Sam the Ram, he Please, please, you're tittering now.
He was very handsome, very big, very muscular, and he had hair down to here, and, well, everywhere, really.
And on the day in question, he was trolling through Delilah's hairdressing emporium.
He was going there for his chest, you see, to have it permed and styled.
And it came to pass Woe, woe and thrice woe! Here she is, your favourite and mine, Senna the Soothsayer.
Hmm.
Available for wakes and funerals.
-I have been in communication with the stars.
-Have you? -And I have had intercourse with Venus.
-I beg your pardon? What is it Say that again? I have had intercourse with Venus.
Ooh, the things I wouldn't dare say that! I wouldn't get away with things like that.
The signs are all against those who wish to travel the path of true love.
Oh, I see, it's a one way, is it? I see.
-Gemini is in opposition to Taurus -"Taurus"? and in juxtaposition to Virgo.
"Virgo"? Well, she won't be a Virgo much longer then, will she? -Scoff not! -"Scoff not".
-Scoff not! -Well, I said, "Scoff not"! They've been drinking scoff mixture.
"Scoff mixture".
The prediction is, that any alliance between man and woman, will only lead to trouble.
That's not a prediction, that's a foregone conclusion.
Let's face it.
Venus has spoken! I thought it was you all that time! It was Venus! Isn't that clever? Beware! Beware! Beware! Oh, poor soul.
I do feel sorry for her.
No, she's a She can't help it, she's embittered, you know.
Oh, she's terribly embittered, poor soul.
I do feel sorry for her.
Well, you Did you see that ring on her finger? That ring on her finger.
Well, apparently I gather this.
That was given to her when she was 18, by the man she loved, then he left her.
And, of course, she's never had it off since.
And it is Please, please.
Anyway, I know you haven't come here to listen to gossip, so we shall continue, continue with the prologue.
-Now, it came to pass -AMMONIA: Lurcio? Oh, dear.
Yes.
Yes, mistress? Lurcio, come inside quickly.
My guest, Dextrus Secundus, is leaving now.
Ooh, now? That's funny, he's only been in there 10 minutes.
I wonder why she called him a guest? I thought he was a dressmaker, 'cause she told me he'd come to try something new on her.
Well, there it is.
Ah, there must have been some misunderstanding, and it's in your minds.
Excuse me.
Lurcio, give him his things.
Er, yes.
What did I do wrong? What did you do wrong? Daring to ask me, the wife of one of one Pompeii's leading senators, to go away with you for the weekends! And to Ithaca.
I thought you'd like it.
"Like it"? Have you no sense of propriety? Besides, Ithaca's a dump.
Lurcio, show him the door.
Yes, mistress, it's that painted thing with knobs on.
-What? -No, mistress, not you, the door! The door.
Really, Lurcio, enough of this nonsense.
Show him out.
Yes, mistress.
Come along, sir.
There we are.
Very well.
Then go to Hades! Oh, you should have said that before.
Oh.
And Hades is so much more fashionable.
And so much warmer, mistress.
Right.
But, Lurcio, if Dextrus should call again, tell him I am not available.
Oh, yes, mistress, very well.
"Not available".
Ah, well.
Would you believe it? I never thought I'd live to see the day my mistress would say she's not available.
Well? Oh, it's no secret.
It's no secret, she's man mad.
She's known around here as "the Gardener".
She is! "The Gardener", 'cause she goes from bed to bed.
"Bed to bed"! Isn't this witty? Isn't it? Well, please yourselves.
No, there's nothing she likes better, than a good rake round the border.
That's why we can't keep any boarders here, you see.
I can't think why she's got rid of that chap so quickly, unless she's turned over a new leaf.
"New leaf"! Gardens, rakes! Oh, come on, this is so subtle! It's going to waste.
We've been rehearsing this all week.
Though you mightn't think so.
Now Ah, do you know something? I think that old bag, Senna, was right.
I think the path of true love is going to find difficulty, after all.
Well, it doesn't concern me, 'cause I don't need paths.
I don't have any path of true love.
So, let's continue with the prologue.
It came to pass, that Oh, happy, happy day! Oh, dear.
This is my master's young son, Nausius.
-Oh, rapture! Rapture! -Ooh.
He's a silly boy.
He's always rapturing himself.
-Oh, Lurcio.
-Yes, young master.
I have such wonderful news.
Where's Mother and Father? Oh, your father? He's down in the market place, handing out food to the needy.
-And Mother? -Yeah, she's in her bedroom.
-Handing it out, too? -I think we can safely say that, yes.
Oh, well, never mind, Lurcio.
-I've got such wonderful news.
-Have you? -I've met the most marvellous, wonderful girl.
-Have you? -Yes.
Oh, Lurcio, she's an angel.
-Is she? -So pure and innocent.
-Oh.
I had to give it to her straight away.
You did? My gold signet ring.
I see.
She is a lucky girl, isn't she? -And, Lurcio, I'll tell you another thing.
-What? -She's knows what it's for.
-Well, they usually do, these days, don't they? Yes, to express my undying love for her.
Yes.
I suppose, young master, as you're so excited, you haven't had time to dash off a little teensy-weeny ode or anything, have you? -Oh yes, I have, Lurcio.
-Oh, he has! -Good.
Well, we'd have missed that, wouldn't we? -Here.
May I harangue the assembled populace with this? Please.
(CLEARING THROAT) "Ode to My One and Only Love".
Ah, sweet.
(IN DRAMATIC VOICE) "So pure and chaste" Oh, dear.
I went all high then.
You notice that? "So pure and chaste I found my love I felt a different man I thought I'd go clean round the bend and flush right down to the roots of my hair" I couldn't think of an apt rhyme there.
Well, you will, at your convenience.
Well, young master, are you betrothed? -Yes, Lurcio.
She accepted me immediately.
-Did she? -We have plighted our troth.
-Oh, you cheeky little plighter, isn't he? -We're going to be wed -Are you to be wed? and to live in eternal bliss.
-Ooh.
No, no.
-Oh, I can't wait to tell my parents! Mater, Mater! Oh, dear, it's marvellous! Oh, they're to be wed.
Oh, dear.
We're gonna have a wedding in the family.
Isn't it marvellous? When was the last time I went to a wedding? Let me see now.
Oh, yes! My mother's.
I remember that.
Now, the thing is, what shall I give that young boy for a wedding present? Now, let me think.
A compendium of games.
No, I think he'll get plenty to play with when he's married.
Let me think now.
Let me think of something he's never had.
No.
She'll be giving him that, so don't bother.
Eh? You're right, a rhyming dictionary.
Thank you for your Thank you very much indeed.
Thank you.
I'll get that.
How do I look? Fine, dear, fine.
Oh, good.
I must look my best when I meet Nausius' betrothed.
Oh, don't start crying again, Ammonia! I can't help it.
Oh, my son, my little baby, getting married.
Oh, it seems that only yesterday, he was lying there on the rug, playing with his dolly.
This is an occasion for rejoicing, Ammonia.
Fashionable wedding, all the best families invited.
You know, it might do me a bit of good, politically.
Oh, Ludicrus.
Ludicrus! Have you told him about the facts of life? "Facts"? What facts? Oh, for heaven's sake.
How babies are made.
Oh, that.
No, no.
You know I was never very much good at that sort of thing.
You don't have to tell me that! Well, never mind, someone will have to tell him.
Master, I was wondering if -The very person.
-LURCIO: Pardon? Ludicrus, go down to the wine cellar and bring up one of our best bottles of wine.
Yes, dear.
Lurcio, what is the best wine? Oh, the one from Germania, master.
Yes, it's the Hich Heich Hoch.
Oh, yes.
-Lurcio, come over here a moment.
-Here? Yes, now sit down there.
I want to have a little talk with you.
-Do you? -Yes.
It's about this business of the facts of life.
Ooh! Well, thank you, mistress, but I was already told about those at school.
Yes, by your tutor of course.
No, by the girl lying on the next desk.
Yes, yes, well, Lurcio, I didn't intend giving you a talk.
-Oh.
-No, I want you to explain it all to Nausius.
Oh, I couldn't presume to do that, mistress.
I mean, that's the task of a father, isn't it? Oh, alas, my husband cannot bring himself to do it.
Oh, well, but surely he can't have forgotten how to do it, surely.
NAUSIUS: Mater, I'm here! Ooh! Oh, they're here! Quick, oh, Lurcio, how do I look? -It's fine, yes, mistress.
-Show them in, now.
Show them in.
Enter, young master, enter.
-Mater? Oh, here you are! -Yes.
Here she is! (IN HEAVY COCKNEY ACCENT) Evening, all! Mater, this is Nymphia.
How do you do? Oh, I do pretty well, ta.
How about you? -Oh, very well, thank you.
-Yeah.
Yeah, I bet you do and all.
(ABRASIVE LAUGHTER) Isn't she wonderful? Yes.
(MOUTHING SILENTLY) -Lurcio! -Yes, mistress, yes.
Lurcio, perhaps you would show Nymphia where to powder her nose.
Ah, to Oh, yes, yes.
Certainly, mistress, yes.
Oh, don't bother! I know where to powder it.
Right 'ere.
Common as muck.
Yes, mistress didn't mean that, she wanted to know if you'd like to, well, if you want to go somewhere.
But I only just got 'ere.
Commoner than muck.
You mean, do I want to go to the lav? Muck itself.
I don't wanna go.
Twice a day does me, you know.
Mind you, me dad's the one.
What! He's always on the go.
Between you and me, he's got a weak Yes, yes, we know.
He's a window cleaner, and he has a weak ladder.
We understand.
-Ah! Oh, oh! -Pater, you haven't met Nymphia Oh, 'ello.
Oh, very nice, very nice.
They make a handsome pair, don't they, Lurcio? Yes.
Oh, yes, an outstanding pair, master.
Oh, here, come off it, Senator.
We've met before, don't you remember? Oh! -I know you was a bit sloshed, but, you know -No What? No, I'm afraid I can't recall ever having had the pleasure.
Oh, you didn't, no, but you didn't half try hard to.
Isn't she adorable? Yes, isn't she.
-Lurcio, Lurcio.
-Yes, yes, yes.
Excuse me, yes.
Oh, you bruised me.
Master, might I ask your bosom friend to ease over just a shade.
Thank you so much.
Yes, master.
Lurcio, would you come outside with me for just a moment? -I just want to discuss the wine with him, my dear.
-The wine? She's terrible, terrible, Lurcio! A dreadful girl! She's so uncouth.
Oh, yes, master, completely without couth.
I quite agree.
In fact, almost entirely gor blimus.
Yes, yes, never mind that.
-Now I've remembered where it was I saw her.
-Oh, yes? It was in that dreadful place on the Via Aphrodesia.
Oh, yes, the starker's club.
-That's right.
-Yes.
Oh, my wife would never believe my visit there was wholly innocent.
Oh, of course, master.
Oh, I was merely collecting evidence for my new anti-vice bill.
Yes, and naturally you wanted to get the bare facts, naturally.
Yes.
Well, now, look, I must go down to the Senate.
-You get rid of her, quickly.
-Yes, yes.
Well But, master, what do you mean "get rid of her"? Well, make some excuse.
Tell her there's trouble at home.
-"Trouble at home"? -Trouble at home.
-Go on.
Quickly.
-Yes, but how can I Yes, all right.
Erm, erm ahem.
Excuse me, miss, I hear that your place has been broken into.
Well, I never pretended to be any vestal virgin, did I? She's got all the best lines this week, you know, just 'cause she's a guest.
It's not right.
No, miss, an intruder has broken into your house.
Oh, I see.
Well, if me mum's there, he'll wish he hadn't.
I was just about to ask you, Nymphia, what does your mother do? Intruders, by the sound of it.
Well, she used to be a fish cook in a restaurant.
Yes, you can guess which department, on the batter.
"A fish cook".
How quaint.
And your father? Oh, he's in the second-hand chariot biz.
You've probably seen his place, Dextrus' Cart Mart.
Dextrus? Not Ambi Dextrus? Ah, see.
Do you know him, then? Oh, no.
No.
Oh, well, that's a surprise, he knows most of the likely stuff around town.
Oh, excuse me.
Lurcio! -Yes.
Oh, yes.
Excuse me.
-Lurcio.
Begging your pardon.
(AMMONIA SIGHING) -Quickly! Take me outside for some air.
-Yes, yes.
Lurcio, do you know who she is? She's Ambi Dextrus' daughter, that oaf who was here this morning.
Oh, you mean the one who was trying it on.
What? Your frock, your new frock.
Oh, yes, Lurcio.
Really, this is too embarrassing for words.
I don't care how you do it, but get her out of the house.
-Get rid of her, get rid of her! -Yes, but, mistress, how can I get rid of her? Get rid of her? It's always the same, it's always me.
It's always me.
"Get rid of this.
Get rid of that.
Get rid of the other.
" Well, I don't mind getting rid of "this" and "that", but "the other"? It's so hard to come by.
Of course, not for me, being so desirable.
Here, Naus, do you think your mum and dad like me? -Oh, they adored you, as do I.
-Oh.
-I wonder if I dare.
-What? I will.
Oh! Oh, I'm sorry! I lost control! Oh, God.
That's about all he will lose, the way he's going on.
Now, obviously I can't put him off her, can I? So, now.
How can I put her off him? That's the point.
How can I put her off him? Pardon? That's a good idea.
Yes, frighten her.
Yes, thank you.
Frighten her.
That's what I'll do.
That's a good suggestion there.
I'll frighten her, yeah.
Erm (CLEARING THROAT) Er, young master? -Oh, Lurcio.
-Yes.
I wish to be alone with my Nymphia.
Kindly leave us.
Will you be wanting the whip, as usual? -"The whip"? -Yes.
What should I want a whip for? Well Oh, I see.
Perhaps you prefer your hobnail boots? -"Hobnail boots"? -Yes.
What's he want them for? Bigger kicks.
Lurcio, I don't know what you're talking about.
Please, go away.
Very well, young master, but your mother said, if you're going to tie this girl up, would you mind not using the new curtain cords, thank you.
-What? -NAUSIUS: What? Oh, yes, and then she said, would you mind closing the windows, because the neighbours are complaining about the eternal screams.
-Here, you.
Just a minute.
-Yes? Does he always treat girls like this? Well, only when he's bored with feeding his vampires.
I trust you're not anaemic.
(WICKED LAUGHTER) You mean to say, he takes liberties? Well, I think you could put it that way, yes.
Oh, Nymphia, please don't be cross with me.
Cross? I'm furious! You do all that to other girls, and the most you've ever done to me is kiss me hand! Nymphia, it's all lies.
I don't even know what he's talking about.
-Well, I've never been so insulted in my life.
-It's not true, Nymphia.
You know what you are? (CHUCKLING) Here, Naus Ain't you a dark horse? Here, do you wanna come for a walk in the moonlight? But it's daylight.
Yeah, well, we can hang about a bit, can't we? The plan has gone wrong! The plan has gone wrong.
Who was that person who thought about "frighten her"? Silly thing to do.
Yes, you, sir, with the leather jacket, and the moustache and the dog leash.
Oh, I'm sorry, madam.
I'm sorry.
I beg your pardon.
Eh? I don't care if you are a marriage guidance counsellor, in future, kindly close your gob.
Thank you.
Oh, master.
Oh, master, I'm very, very sorry, the plan went wrong, I couldn't help it.
Mistress, how did I know it would make her even more determined to marry Nausius.
Kindly tell Lurcio it's all his fault, Ammonia.
And will you please tell Lurcio, that I entirely agree with you for once, Ludicrus.
It's quite clear she was merely after his good name and money.
Oh, you're so right, mistress.
I was talking to Ludicrus.
Our only hope now is she can find someone more influential and wealthy.
Yes, yes, that's a good idea.
Yeah, I quite agree with you, master.
I was talking to Ammonia.
-Oh, get knotted.
-What? I was talking to myself.
I was going to say, before I was so rudely interrupted, I was going to say, "Lurcio", I was gonna say, 'cause that's my name, "Lurcio", I was gonna say, "if only the master and mistress could find a wealthy suitor, someone richer, and more powerful, to lure, to lure that girl away from Nausius.
" -"Richer and more powerful"? -Yeah, yeah.
Yes, yes, of course, some wealthy potentate from the East.
-Yes, to lure her away.
-Yes, someone mysterious, dark and sexy.
Where can we find a wealthy potentate from the East? We don't know a potentate from the East.
To lure her.
-Unless -Unless Oh, no.
Not me! No, I couldn't! No, I couldn't lure! I can't lure! His Most Illustrious Highness, the Caliph of Khazi.
The Caliph of Khazi! (NYMPHIA GIGGLING) Who did you expect, Omar Sharif? Oh, now, please, girls! Now, please, one at a time.
Don't rush! Don't rush me! Rush Now, sit down! Form a queue! Now, come along.
There's plenty for all.
Now, don't worry.
-Greetings.
-Ah, yes, yes.
Now, come along girls.
Go back to your tent.
Off you go.
Come along.
I have spoken, off you go.
Go along.
Go along now.
(SHOUTING) Go on, get out of it! Get out of it! Get out of it! Well, I'm sorry.
It's the only way to treat a harem.
Scare 'em.
"Harem, scare 'em"! "Harem, scare 'em.
" Oh, please thyselves.
-Well, now.
-Greetings, Illustrious Highness.
Greetings, ancient one.
May the sun shine down upon you And upon you.
and light up your days.
And up yours.
May I present In the red corner -the woman you wished to meet.
-Ah, yes.
-Nymphia.
-Ah, Nymphia, Nymphia.
Oh! Pleased, I'm sure.
Yes, Nymphia, whose beauty of form, reminds me of the Hanging Gardens of Babylon.
Oh, yes.
Beauteous, abundant, and, above all, two in number.
Oh, I say.
Are you keen on gardening, then? Well, well, I like to get my dibber out occasionally.
-Your Highness? -Yes.
Senate business, I must leave.
You will understand? Oh, yes, of course, ancient one, yes.
In the words of the great Omar Khayyám, "He who neglects his official duties, is like unto a man who ventures afield on a donkey.
Out on his ass.
" -There's no need to overdo it.
-All right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Yes, now.
Ah, my treasure.
Away with you to the lavabo, yes, and prepare yourself.
Oh, don't giggle, it's authentic, this.
Now, maidens.
Come along, please, maidens.
Shower her with rose petals, anoint her with oils, and then return her to me for the final polishing off.
-Ta ra, then.
-Bye.
-Yes.
-Now, listen to me, you.
-Yes, yes.
-I'm getting Nausius here, and I want him to find you and her in a compromising position.
"In a compromising position", yes.
Preferably, in flagrante delicto.
Oh, I don't think I know that one, master.
Without your clothes on! Oh! Oh, I couldn't do that, master, I should disclose my identity.
Not you! -Oh! -Her! Her! Oh, yes.
And you have to be quick about it (LAUGHTER) -Oh, here she is.
-Yes, yes.
Farewell, Illustrious Highness.
May the gods bless you with strength and boldness in your wooing.
Worry not, old one.
Ah, my pearl, my star of the East.
Oh, rainbow of my desire.
Come, let us taste the fruits of passion.
Let us find a handy pouf.
Eh? Oh.
Oh, you mean that little settee.
"Settee, settee".
To think, we turned Vanessa Redgrave down for this part.
Ah, my treasure, my star of the East.
Do you know, I've got a funny feeling I've seen your face somewhere before.
Really? Perhaps in your dreams.
Oh, no.
I never have nightmares.
Yes.
Saucy cow.
Oh, star of my East, shower of my bunches.
Oh, be mine, be mine.
Oh, I have a yen for you.
Oh, sorry, I don't take Chinese money.
I can't stand these corny gags, can you? Oh, no, no.
There is only one thing I want.
Yes, say what it is.
Anything! To be the reigning lady of Khazi.
I see, you want to share my throne.
I see.
To be Mrs Caliph.
-"Mrs Caliph"? -Yeah.
-What do you mean, marry you? -Why, have you got something against it? Frankly, yes.
In the words of the great Omar Khayyám, "A man who enters into wedlock, is like a man who occasionally resorts to money lenders.
Hard up for a bit.
" I wouldn't settle for anything else.
All right, then.
If I grant you what you want, will you do something for me in return? Well, that depends, before or after? (IN DEEP VOICE) Now.
Yes.
Now.
-I'll do that once more, it went well, that.
-Lovely.
Now.
Listen, do that dance.
Do that dance you do at the Striptus Teasenclub.
I've heard it drives men mad, mad with desire.
Oh, well, I'm hardly dressed for it.
So I've heard.
Well, all right, then.
Have you got any music? -Yes, of course, my treasure.
-Oh, good.
Music is Oh! In the words of the great Omar Khayyám, "Curses on these bloody slippers!" They've got points on them, you see.
You keep tripping up.
You feel such a fool.
Well, I shall bang my gong.
Ah, Jeremy.
Jeremy Do you mind, please? Jeremy, would you put on a discus for dancing? -Yes, your Highness.
-Thank you, Jeremy.
-Oh, do park yourself.
-Very well, I shall recline here.
-This is it, now.
-Yes.
Will you commence? Wait one moment, please.
One moment.
Let me get me air-cooling system going first.
There we are.
Now, where do I put this? You dare.
Go on, you dare.
Right, commence.
Clap, clap.
(THE STRIPPER PLAYING ON HARP) Here we are.
Here we are.
Yes.
Oh! Yes.
Oh, thank you, dear.
Oh, caught you! I'll put this in the cloak room.
Here we are.
Oh! Oh, mind how you go now.
Oh! Oh, saucy.
We'll let you know.
Oh, yeah! Oh, my Ooh! Moon of my delight.
No, perhaps not.
This is it now.
It won't be long now.
Oh! Here we are! Ha-ha! For the first time on your screens, never before seen, that well-known pair, left and right.
Your Highness.
What, Jeremy? Excuse me, your Highness, there is a visitor.
A visitor.
Oh, that silly old fool is here already.
He's too soon.
All right well, look Right, show him in.
Get him in.
-Look, quick, sit down here.
-Oh, but I haven't finished me dance, yet.
Don't worry, I'll soon finish you off.
Get back here.
-There we are.
Beautiful.
-Oh, Caliph.
Caliph.
Oh! Good evening, Your Highness.
I'm Dextrus Secundus, from the used cart mart.
I wonder if I could interest -Nymphia! -Oh, Dad! Oh, yes! Dad! What are you doing in this man's harem? Get back to your mother.
-And as for you, you dirty old potentate -Oh, no, please, listen, it No, it was I'll murder you, I'll kill you! Oh! Oh, Dad, no! Oh! (WHINING WITH PAIN) Oh, now, don't laugh.
It's wicked to mock the afflicted.
What a day, what a night, eh? I think that old bag, Senna, was right, the signs are against the true path of love.
I think mine must have a "no entry" sign on it.
Do you mind if I finish the prologue standing up? No? You're very kind.
Well, it came to pass, -that Samson -Lurcio? -What happened to you? -Pardon? -What happened to you? -You ask your fiancée.
-Oh, no.
That's all off, Lurcio.
-"All off"? -I could never marry a girl like that.
-Why? -You see, I found out what she was.
-You what? You did? -Well, I hate to have to say it, but she's a -Yes.
Yes, say it.
-She's a -What? A vegetarian! (SOBBING) Would you believe it? All that work for nothing.
Oh, well.
In future, I shall stick to the job I know best, which is, of course, the prologue.
Now, it came to pass Woe, woe and thrice woe! Now, that's all I needed.
The time has come! The end is here! Well, she's quite right, of course, the time, the end is here.
Tempus has finally fugit-ed.
Oh, well, I can't finish the end of Samson and Delilah, but you haven't missed much.
No, you haven't missed anything, really.
In the words of the great Omar Khayyám, "The legend of Samson and Delilah, is like unto a coach party of shoemakers.
A load of cobblers.
" Salute.