Velma (2023) s02e05 Episode Script

1
My beloved brother passed away.
The two women hoping
to replace him as sheriff,
have outsourced the investigation
of his death to kids!
Which leaves me no choice
but to enter the race myself.
- Amber's doing a seance.
- A seance?
I knew something was up
with those new witchy neighbors.
Dr. Dane Dupree.
Holy crap. Is my grandma alive?
You, of all people, know how much
I've struggled to find the real me.
It's not the unknown
that freaks me out.
It's idiots like you who ignore facts
and science that do.
Daphne, we need to talk.
You've said enough already.
Go away.
So after a huge fight over whether
or not she's a witch,
Daphne isn't talking to me.
She is, however, pointedly
posting a lot on social media.
And her followers
love the new her.
Sorry, papaya Wiccan Daphne
is done with everything orange.
Michelle Obama liked this?
Worse, I can't clap back
because I'm terrible at social media.
Sorry, Ed, rational-minded
Velma is done with redheads.
Olive suggested baiting Daphne
with a hot pic
using an app she has
to make your butt look bigger.
But when I tried it, I just enraged
the flat-butt community.
To get Daphne's attention,
I need to up my game.
So let's just see how Daphne
feels when she wakes up
to a picture of me
in the school library
reading a book called
How to Find a Better Girlfriend.
If the threat of breaking up
doesn't get her to talk to me,
I don't know what will.
So you, quote,
"found the coroners' bodies
on the pentagram where Amber held
their dumbass seance yesterday"?
This is feeling a little biased.
Biased? This screams "witch" more
than a sexually frustrated pilgrim!
Clearly, Amber's the serial killer.
Even the cameras were disabled
with little pentagrams!
Everyone calm down, Fred Jones,
Spooky Stuff Hunter, is here.
Yeah, I'm still doing that. And from
my readings, witches only kill
when someone tries to eat their house
made of cake and candy.
But look at Daphne!
She's lost her witchy clothes.
Clearly you've realized
you're not actually a witch
and are now distancing yourself from
Amber because you know they did this.
What? No! I just needed
a break from white dresses.
People kept asking if I was
getting adult baptized.
Wait, you're still into witchcraft
even after seeing this?
Table this, kids.
We have to talk to the press.
They can't get
so much as a whiff of this.
What? No way!
Call me the skunk 'cause
I'm about to spray it everywhere.
Everyone has to know
the danger Amber poses.
Velma, "Dong removing witch"
is literally America's worst nightmare.
People will freak out.
This can't leak until we know more.
I'll be brief. We found the bodies
of two men in their 40s,
or so we assume from
their tribal armband tattoos.
Regardless, we have no cause
of death at this time.
Argh, you don't need a cause of death
to know that this makes
four middle-aged men
killed within the past week!
My vacation shirts
have subtler patterns,
and yet you two still think
you should be sheriff?
Now is not the time
for grandstanding, Merle.
How dare you
accuse me of grandstanding!
I am on a soapbox!
And I, Sheriff candidate
Merle Cogburn,
believe a serial killer
is targeting middle-aged men!
Now who will watch our
World War II documentaries?
Or collect guitars?
Look, we understand
your distress.
But even Velma, who's actually
caught a serial killer,
feels there are no leads
or reasons to panic.
Isn't that right, Velma?
I will be reading
a prepared statement.
Given a lack of evidence, and the fact
we're living in a police state,
it is too soon
to draw any conclusions.
Well, okay, but I see
Fred Jones is also up there.
Are you exploring any
"spooky angles" to this case?
No! I'm here to say I've found
nothing witchy
about the murders at this time.
- You're welcome.
- Why would you say witchy?
Is there reason to believe
the serial killer is a witch?
This press conference is over.
Daphne, where are you going?
We need to talk.
Please be the serial
killer and not Velma.
- Daphne?
- Norville? What are you doing here?
I was saying goodbye
to the trash.
I'll never see it again.
Well, anyway, my car's here.
I'm heading home.
The Norville Rogers I'm picking up
is going
to the Crystal Cove Insane Asylum.
- What?
- Daphne, please stop ignoring me.
I'm your girlfriend.
And we just need to talk about Amber
until you admit I'm right!
Go!
You think your
grandmother is alive?
Dane Dupree is an anagram
for Edna Perdue.
So either yes, she's alive,
or I'm about to meet
a delightful southern restaurateur.
Okay, well, can I tag along?
After the seance and these new
murders I am not ready to deal
with Velma's endless, "I told you
so's" about embracing witchcraft.
Sure, but Velma's not wrong.
You ditching your
witchy clothes is suspicious.
Do you think
Amber's a serial killer?
No, it's just that
after that failed seance,
I don't feel like I'm a witch
or a popular girl.
- I don't know who I am.
- We're girlfriends!
That's the only identity either of us
needs! Come back!
Velma, thank God I found you.
I have your room now, girl, dog.
You stopped me for that?
Daphne was about to admit
the error of her ways.
Okay, but I have to show you
something at home.
I think it has to do
with the murders.
Whoa! Look at all those rings.
Did you finally win your land war
with the South African diamond miners?
No, hearing about the murders
made me realize life is short.
And when you're rich and find
someone you care about,
you lock them down ASAP.
So you have legal leverage
if they ever want to leave you.
You're proposing to Diya?
I'll kill you!
Hold on. That's weird 'cause I don't
think I'm actually angry.
Is this what
emotional growth feels like?
I wouldn't know,
but this is gonna be the best thing
that's ever happened to us.
And Diya. She's a middle-aged
single woman.
I believe
they turn those into glue.
But I want the proposal
to be a surprise.
So I need you to secretly
find her ring size.
I will not let you down.
Unless, as Diya
is about to say, I do.
- It's stuck, isn't it?
- Yup.
Damn, Sophie, since when
did you get into gardening?
And tell me this isn't organic.
I need all the growth hormones
I can get.
Sorry, but with your parents' divorce
settled, I feel I can finally nest.
And as I was working
out here last night,
I heard witchy cackling
coming from Daphne's backyard.
That's why Linda and Donna
didn't want me talking to the press.
Not only do they know Amber's the
killer, they're protecting them. Look!
Are their crotches missing?
Did the killer do that?
You need to post that picture
and warn the world about Amber.
Okay, but it won't do any good.
My posts get treated like sensible
tax reform. Mocked and ignored.
That's because teen social media
is about making people horny.
Adult social media is about making
people afraid of their neighbors.
Plus, you've already caught
one serial killer.
People will listen
to you about this!
I'm posting pictures of Amber, their
mom's bookstore and the crime scene.
But I promise you
nothing will happen.
Wow! Look at all those likes.
It feels a little shallow TBH. Wait!
Brain chemistry just changed.
This is the greatest feeling
in the world!
Good morning.
Welcome to Crystal Cove Asylum,
where all of your fantasies
hopefully won't come true.
Yes. Hello. We'd like
to see Dr. Dane Dupree.
Dr. Dane Dupree?
Do you mean, Dr. Dane Perdue?
Wait. No, no, You were right.
It's Dr. Dane Purdoctor, I mean
Edna Purdane, oh boy.
Forget it, Rhonda. You blew it.
- I'll deal with these two.
- Grandma?
Oh, my God, 3,000 likes
and counting!
Any more and I'll have to start
a lifestyle brand.
Velma, what have you done?
What have I done? Men are dead,
and you're protecting Amber
more than parents
who say "boys will be boys".
Amber is going to jail.
No, Velma.
Thanks to you, I'm going
to be burned alive!
Bring out the witch!
Don't blame me. If you'd arrested
Amber, we could've avoided this.
There's no time
to point fingers.
Just do something before
that mob Oh, God!
Tramples my new flowers.
The evidence doesn't
point to Amber, Velma.
They have an alibi.
They were with us all night.
What? Why wouldn't you
just tell me that?
The same reason anyone
keeps anything quiet.
Truth makes us look bad.
Excuse me, everyone.
Thank you for forming this angry mob
on such short notice.
Unfortunately,
for the first time ever,
it seems the social media post
was not accurate.
While the murders feel witchy,
new evidence suggests
it was not Amber.
See, with the election coming up,
Amber was helping us all night
by burning Merle's
yard signs in our backyard.
Wait, what?
You burned my signs?
It was childish and in social media
fashion, everyone is sorry-ish.
Oh, my! Well, then it seems
we've made a terrible error
because Amber is even more
powerful than we thought!
They've cast a spell
on Velma to defend them!
Burn Amber!
What? No!
No! Stop! You're all in danger.
A killer is still out there
targeting your dongs.
Exactly.
And that killer is Amber.
According to this one commenter,
witches use penii for
their spells and potions.
Now we've got Amber outnumbered
so they don't scare us.
In fact, men, let's show
everyone how brave we are!
Stand up to the witches!
Remove your britches!
You'll get my cold dead genitals
when you pry them from my hand!
- I think you said that wrong.
- I assure you, I did not!
They're not going to listen
to us, Velma!
I know. But there is someone
they will listen to.
Sophie, I need a ride.
Grandma?
What's going on?
You're alive?
And is Grandma what I call you?
No. Dr. Perdue will suffice.
Now, how did you find me?
Your mother
nor father are that smart.
Our biology teacher,
Gavin Swendig had a staff list.
Norville rearranged
the letters of Dr. Dane Dupree,
which, honestly,
for somebody who's supposedly
brilliant, seems a little lazy.
I had Rhonda do it.
Shame on me, right?
But Gavin is
one of those dead men.
Why is he looking for me?
Tell me about it.
We're not telling you anything
until you explain
how you've secretly
been alive for 30 years!
Norville, I understand
your frustration.
But telling anyone was too risky.
The military is still after me
for hiding my journals
and abandoning Project SCOOBI.
And God help us
if they ever found this!
That's why there's no
eating on the floor, Rhonda.
I'm sorry.
You think I can
talk the mob down?
I mean, I could try,
but I usually just incite them.
I know, but Merle
listened to you earlier.
And mobs just want easy answers
in a scary, complex world.
Believing in the supernatural
allows you to connect with them.
On a simpler level
I can't.
Okay, Well, I'll still do it.
But only because I need you
to do something for me.
Or rather, us.
I need you to get me your mom's
ring size without her knowing.
William is proposing?
They've only been dating
for two weeks.
The only question he needs to be
popping is "Are your tubes tied?"
I know, but I've never
seen Father so happy.
So do this for me
or that witch will burn.
I can't tell what's sadder.
That Diya's getting
married before me,
or that all of these
are gold-plated.
Diya getting
married before you.
All right, Fred, you have my mom's ring
size. Now we have to go.
My relationship with Daphne
is already on the rocks.
And if the mob burns Amber, Daphne
might think it's somehow my fault.
Now, what we do here
is unorthodox.
So please reserve
all judgment until the end.
Oh, God!
You're a monster.
Coconut seltzer?
Sorry, wrong door.
And some people
like the taste of sunscreen.
What? Who do
these brains belong to?
The brave. The curious.
And, of course,
the rich and bored.
That lady brought her cat.
See, while at Project SCOOBI
I made an incredible discovery.
When I placed hardened
soldiers' brains in jars
they discovered
their true selves,
unsullied by outside influences.
After the procedure, now,
knowing who they were,
they all left the military.
One became a teacher,
two got married,
and one walked on his hands because
I put his brain back in upside down.
I have since perfected
the technology,
and now anyone can have their brain
removed to find their true self.
- Rhonda, I told you to get a mat.
- Sorry!
Hold on. You faked your death
and abandoned your family
to create a day spa for brains?
Norville, helping people figure out who
they really are is revolutionary work.
Exactly! And I couldn't contact you
and risk the military finding me.
It takes rigorous screening
before I let anyone in here.
I haven't even reached out
to those poor girls
Victoria Jones put in jars, even though
I'm sure they're dying.
What?
The Brains are dying?
Mom, you have to convince them
I'm not evil!
Read them one of my poems!
Which one? "Love Unites"?
Or "I'll do anything to stay a witch
forever parentheses mwah-ha-ha"?
Mom!
Oh, no! We're too late!
What do we do?
Nothing if you want to stay alive!
But Amber didn't do this.
The only thing they're guilty of
is thinking they could replace me
as the driving force
in Daphne's life.
Yeah, I know that, Velma.
I've always known that.
I've just been using this
to help my sheriff campaign.
I didn't think they'd
actually try to burn them.
But now anyone who tries
to talk sense to the mob
will be burned with a witch!
You know, the thin crust
actually has fewer carbs
than this gross
cauliflower crust.
No!
Cauliflower must be healthier!
Wait, you're right. As Americans,
we'd rather destroy anyone
who points out our delusions
than admit we might be wrong.
- Amber's gonna burn.
- Not on my watch, they aren't!
Untie that witch!
Never mind! As you were!
William, what
were you thinking?
That witch can't die!
Diya found out I was gonna
propose and said no.
So now I need Amber
to cast a love spell on her.
Damn it, Velma!
I knew you'd ruin the secret.
Just when you think
the day can't get worse.
It wasn't Velma.
I figured it out because
Aman posted this.
TFW You're not paying
alimony anymore? #freedom
#never making
that mistake again? Aman!
All right!
Yeah! Get him, Sophie!
If Aman hadn't posted that,
I'd be proposing on my yacht right now.
Diya's only way home
would be to say yes or swim.
Wait. And if I hadn't posted
that picture of Amber
and the dead coroners,
the mob wouldn't be here.
Holy crap, I think I know
how to save Amber!
Even more guns?
Wondered when you'd get there.
The only thing Americans hate more
than being told they're wrong,
is learning they've been lied to.
If the mob is looking for blood
Then we just gotta give
them some red meat!
Concerned people
of Crystal Cove!
All this is because you saw a post!
So I ask, is the problem
witches or elites
using big tech to manipulate
your feeling on witches?
Are you pawns?
Or are you men?
And women whose motives I can't
totally wrap my head around.
Exactly!
Then let this witch go
and turn your anger to the force
that bewitched your minds.
- Social media!
- Velma!
Fine! A pox on you all!
Help! Mom get Dad,
he's a lawyer!
Maybe the threat of a lawsuit
will get them to release me.
You said you didn't want
to get married.
I remember because that's the moment
I fell in love with you.
That was before we had a child!
And even though Diya was missing,
you were still married to her.
But now you're not.
And I've worked hard to turn
our den of sin into a home,
hoping we could
make it official.
Wait. That's why
you redid the garden?
I just thought you were bored
like every other gardener.
It's a metaphor.
I want to grow something together.
How am I supposed to figure
that out from flowers?
Aman! What are you doing?
Butt out! And don't
stand in my flowers!
Or do. I don't care anymore!
Velma! What can I do
that doesn't involve
me confronting anyone
who might hurt me?
Maybe you and your dad
can just pay them to leave.
Like when a CEO
messes up real bad.
What? I didn't hear you!
I'm telling you to shut down
the will of the people with money.
It's every rich person's dream.
Dad, are you
getting any of that?
It's just like the squeak
of a balloon deflating.
Velma, that won't work!
I've been around William enough
to learn that rich people can't hear you
when you tell them
how to spend their money!
It has to be their idea. Watch!
William, look,
I really like you.
- But it's too soon to get married.
- I agree.
But if you're not locked down,
you can just leave.
That gives you too much power.
My friends at the club will laugh.
But a real relationship isn't about
power, and locking people down.
It's about caring and respect.
You are truly the most remarkable
woman I've ever known.
I would do anything for you.
Then please, pay these people
to leave Velma alone.
I'm sorry.
Did you say something?
Mom! They lit the fire!
Hey, no one roasts
my daughter but me!
Now, why'd you go and do that?
Help!
The Brains can't die!
They were about to start internships
as buoys in the marina.
- How do we save them?
- Well, it's fairly simple.
I just need to change the solution
in their jars as soon as possible.
Wait, that's it?
Great! Let's go!
Ow, I thought you were
asking hypothetically.
See, that's how I would save them
if I could leave the asylum.
But I can't. No one
outside of this place
can know I'm alive
or the military might find me.
I've had it with you, Grandma!
It's bad enough you think your work
is more important than your family,
but you also think it's more
important than saving lives?
- Yes! Perfectly summarized.
- Hold on.
What if you went
to the Brains in my body?
This is all my fault, Mom.
I'm worse at social media than a fast
food company during Pride month.
You can't win. Being bad at social
media makes people insecure,
and so does being good at it.
At least that's what I tell myself
when someone unfollows me.
No, wait, Mom,
that's the answer.
Fear and insecurity created the mob,
which means it can destroy it.
All I have to do is exploit
the biggest insecurity of all.
Or should I say, smallest.
I'm gonna post some altered
photos of Sheriff Cogburn,
Mr. S, and the coroners.
Just prey the "bulge" setting
on Olive's butt enlarging app works.
And post!
- Velma, you're brilliant!
- What did you post?
- Do you not follow me?
- I do. My battery died.
Velma, is this post true?
That all the victims
were better endowed
than a public
broadcasting service?
Yes. Sorry, we didn't
mention that earlier.
The killer is only
targeting men with huge dongs.
So if you don't have a huge dong,
stay here as long as you want.
You're fine. Everyone will just
know you have a small dong.
Yeah, I see.
Well, the rest of you
fellas are probably safe.
But I should head inside.
I have to go feed mine
so it don't attack me.
All this rampaging and having
a big penis hurts my back.
You did it, Velma!
You used social media
to actually do a good thing.
Maybe I'm finally starting
to figure it out.
In fact, I've heard selfies
perform better
when you take your glasses off.
You're suggesting my grandma
do a reverse Get Out?
That movie is a modern classic,
I don't think Jordan Peele
needs our take on it.
But it's the only way to save Lola
and the rest of the Brains.
Not to mention
being a brain in a jar
sounds like it's exactly what
I need to figure out who I am.
She should use my body instead.
My granny, my choice.
And for that reason,
I say, "Hell, naw."
Because you couldn't live with
yourself if something bad happened
to your flesh and blood?
How dare you?
The procedure is foolproof.
I just don't want to touch your penis
when I have to pee. It's weird.
But then again, putting my brain
in the body of a young Asian woman,
could raise some
thorny questions.
Agreed. So let's stay off social media
and handle it respectfully.
And go save those Brains!
Help us! Or at least toss out a s'more
so I can die happy!
- Oh, no!
- It's Arizona all over again.
- Dad, you saved us!
- No, this wasn't about you.
I was putting out the fire before
the heat wilted Sophie's flowers.
- You were?
- Yes. I know I'm not perfect.
But I always protect
what's important to me.
Amber, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have jumped
to any conclusions.
Or posted that picture.
Or bought 50,000 followers
to repost it.
It's honestly not okay,
but according to my rune stones,
you'll get what's coming
to you soon enough.
The good news is that we'll be able
to focus all of our attention
on catching
the actual serial killer
as soon as we're elected
co-sheriffs tomorrow.
This is gonna sound insane, but voters
are actually responding negatively
to the fact that Merle
tried to burn women alive.
Well, if that doesn't merit a post,
I don't know what does.
What?
What do you mean you liked,
then unliked Velma's post?
Oh, God,
I just did it again.
I told you
to stay off social media.
So teens, my point is,
Jesus only had 12 followers
and he still went viral.
LOL,
Lord of Light.
No, fuck me. It was dark.