Warehouse 13 s02e05 Episode Script

Previously on Warehouse 13.
Hello.
I have a special Order.
Do you have a date? No.
Be yourself.
So, what high school did you go to? Why all the questions about my past? What am I doing here? What kind of advice is, "Be yourself"? Because myself is a giant freakazoid.
When you said, "Meet me at the diner," I thought you'd arranged some lame meet with me and Todd.
Todd.
Hey.
Hey.
Get out.
Yeah, leaving.
My lips can't focus.
I'm too excited.
Me, too.
I know the Warehouse is finally getting a computer upgrade.
Right.
The IRS warehouse where you work.
Exciting.
Very exciting.
I know, right? That place has been running on a first-gen eight-bit GUI since like the Stone Ages.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I keep forgetting you're not a high tech kind of guy.
Hey, I'm pumped if you're pumped, but my computer skills go as far as getting new ringtones for my cell phone.
You're cute for a luddite.
Oh! Yikes, I'm late.
We have this guy coming to install the new system.
Some mucky-muck from some place called Global Dynamics.
Catch up later? I could bring lunch.
Crustless PB and J, Twinkies and Doritos? And an orange for fiber.
Mmm, that's why I loves me some Todd.
What What What are you doing? Do you have any idea what you're doing? Look, I was asked to upgrade this place to class seven standards and I can't do that with you constantly interrupting me.
Adapt.
This is not Eureka.
I will not have you gutting my system.
Your guts are rotted.
All right, every single wire has to go exactly back where it was.
Half of these aren't even wires.
This one looks like shoelace.
All right, let me be perfectly clear.
There's no metal.
Just ask the lady that asked me to come and ask her what she wants me to do.
Heyo! If you damage any of my data, you will not come within an inch of a computer for the rest of your life.
Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie.
Artie, why don't we let our special guest, who I bet Mrs.
Frederic wouldn't have sent here if he was trouble, do his thing, huh? Come on, buddy.
He's a Global Dynamic geek.
I know.
He's soulless.
He's made up of binary numbers.
Yeah.
I'll tear his heart out if I need to.
Hello? Wire in the hole? I drop stuff down there all the time.
Hold onto me, will you? I'm Claudia.
Resident tech girl.
Douglas.
Douglas Fargo.
Everyone just calls me Fargo.
Okay, Doug.
Neat gizmo, huh? Yeah.
What makes it glow? Is it like a phosphorous compound? No.
It belonged to Ben Franklin, amplifies human energy to First time in the Warehouse? Until the scary lady with the beehive showed up, I kind of thought Warehouse 13 was just an internet rumor.
So, any chance after I'm done with the install, I could get a tour? Ooh, no can do, outlander.
You've only got blue level clearance.
I have to ask, is this GasP? Better than GasP.
This is going to replace all of that.
It's from Global Dynamics, where I work.
Well, run, I guess.
I'm in charge.
What about this thing? It's a MARA.
A Maintenance and Repair Automaton.
It's for use in unmanned space stations, large facilities.
I actually invented it.
But I was going to install it with your system, but your boss vetoed it.
Yeah, Artie would have vetoed fire if he'd been born just a couple years earlier.
So you ready to fire up Warehouse 13.
1 or what? Let's get this over with.
Okay.
Shutting down the old systems now.
And bring in the new.
Anybody going to ask me to dance? What exactly did you do? The new OS should have come right on.
Oh, really? I hope that means we can't park here.
Catastrophic failure detected.
Catastrophic is a bad word.
Those eyes are popping up all over the Warehouse.
Is this thing looking at me? And what are they doing? I think they're watching us.
This is all your fault, Bismarck.
Fargo.
And it is not my fault.
When we shut down the old system, some sort of failsafe activated.
I'm completely locked out.
You didn't think to mention there was a failsafe? I didn't know there was a failsafe.
And aren't so-called computer experts supposed to realize that before you shut down a system? Okay, boys, take it outside.
Let me work a little Claudiaosity.
I never should have let you in here.
Well, it wasn't exactly your decision now, was it? Hey.
Oh, no, you didn't.
That's not coming from this office.
All systems functioning within acceptable parameters.
That voice.
I recognize that voice.
That's Hugo Miller's voice.
Who? He was the original designer of the Warehouse systems.
Where are you going? Um, the computer lab.
You have a computer lab? More like a computer morgue.
You didn't think to mention there was a computer lab? Well, later on, I'll make a list for you of all the things that I didn't think to mention.
Has this been running the entire time? No, of course not.
The place has been shut down for 35 years.
So why is it You know what? Spread out, don't touch anything but look for an off switch.
Who was Hugo Miller? Brilliant man and more than a little devious.
He actually encouraged Bill Gates to go in one direction while pushing Steve Jobs to go in another.
Hey.
Hey.
Hugo spent years down here integrating the whole Warehouse into a workable platform.
Looks like he spent a lot of time playing with himself, too.
No way.
Awesome! Lemon-lime! Pete, that's been here for years.
If I were you, I'd put that down.
Hugo was a huge practical joker.
He'd leave exploding cans of pop everywhere.
Used to drive everybody nuts.
Artie, what happened to him? He retired.
Hello, blinky.
Bet that's the failsafe.
There must be a main power junction.
Are you all right? I've been hit with worse.
You sure? This thing is tied into the failsafe.
Whoa, take a gander.
It's uploading a massive amount of data from our mainframe.
Whatever it is, I think it's moving in.
This failsafe is hardwired into the whole system, into the temperature regulators, the security feeds, into the neutralizer pump.
Maybe that's okay.
We were installing a new computer anyway.
Well, one we can control.
Why don't we just bring Hugo Miller here? I told you, he's retired.
Retired? Or No, he's alive.
Don't be dramatic.
There were rumors of a nervous breakdown, but Well, sitting in a windowless room for What could go wrong? Do we know where he retired to? Place called Hutchinson, it's in Featherhead.
Featherhead, that's two hours away.
We should at least go talk to him.
It's worth a try.
Yeah, I think I could "retire" here.
Well, let's check you in then.
Hugo doesn't get many visitors.
Just give me a moment.
I wonder if they give sponge baths here.
Do you know every former Warehouse agent we've ever known is either crazy, evil or dead? Or all three.
You can come in now.
Mr.
Miller, we're from the I know who you are.
You're President Ulysses S.
Grant and the snowman.
You've come because it's Arbor Day, and there aren't enough zippers to go around.
Well, at least he's not evil or dead.
Yet.
Hugo? We have some questions about something you built years ago, a backup computer system.
It went round and round, spinning and spinning and dancing and flying.
This is not going to be a standard interview.
No, no, it's not.
The koala bear is actually a marsupial.
"All systems functioning within acceptable parameters.
" Hmm.
"Recovery failsafe is active.
" Yes, Hugo, exactly.
Exactly.
The failsafe.
How do we shut it off? You don't have the code.
Agent Miller, President Grant is ordering you to give us the code.
Of course, Mr.
President, but I must be paid in bicycles.
Can do.
Mmm-hmm.
I'm not paying a bicycle for that.
You know, maybe we should just take him back to the Warehouse.
Warehouse 13? Yeah.
Yeah.
You remember Warehouse 13? The spinning and the dancing, and And the boxes.
If he sees the Warehouse, he may remember the code.
What do you think about that, buddy? Huh? Can we get ice cream? Yeah.
If that's what you want.
Yeah.
Definitely.
Okay.
Ice cream.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Hugo.
Hey! No! We got everything on Hugo Miller.
Excellent.
Is it hard to find? Yes and no.
Perfect.
All we have to do is go through All of it's redacted.
Who would do that? The Regents.
Crossing things out.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, they found Hugo collapsed on aisle Allentown-22C.
Cited it as mental exhaustion.
Um, guys, it's finishing.
Please don't blow up.
Oh, that wasn't so bad.
No, no, no, we're still locked out.
Is that Hugo.
It's Agent Miller.
Agent Nielsen, I am Hugo One.
I assume control in the event of catastrophic failure.
Holographic artificial intelligence.
Must be one of the earliest models ever.
That would explain the Tom Selleck mustache.
We were just installing a new system.
There is no catastrophic failure.
I will be the judge of that.
The judge? My eyes are currently scanning the Warehouse for irregularities.
I must also review decades of artifact retrieval and personnel files.
Excuse me.
At least he's polite.
Artie, look, we found Miller, okay? But he's a complete nut job.
He kept talking about spinning and dancing.
He Tesla'ed us, Artie.
Well, his program is some kind of artificial intelligence.
Bring him back here so he can turn this thing off.
Yeah, he kind of slipped away from us, so we'll call you back when we get him.
This is very unusual.
He's normally quite docile.
We checked.
He's not on hospital grounds.
Here are his records you asked for.
Thank you.
You know, Myka.
Yeah.
This guy couldn't have spun or danced far.
Spinning and dancing, right.
On the way here, we saw I think I might know where he is.
What? What? What? What did we saw? Hugo, are you okay? So sad.
It worked last time.
Hey, Hugo, hey, buddy, I'm going to put these bright shiny bracelets on you, okay? And you can tell us all about it on the way to the Warehouse.
Yeah? Come on up.
Yeah, let's do this one first.
Hugo, we really need your help.
Can't help without the spinning.
So why would he model Hugo One after himself? Lots of programmers do that.
I mean, I never have.
But some others do.
But this is impossible.
When this was developed, A.
I.
Was just science fiction.
If something seems impossible, it usually means there's an artifact involved.
He's coming back.
I have completed my analysis.
And everything's cool, right? So you can skedaddle.
Claudia Donovan, your file shows nine separate incident reports.
I actually thought it would be more.
I guess he's got your number.
Douglas Fargo, your Global Dynamics profile includes the phrase "inappropriately pushed button 38 times.
" Wait, wait, wait, you can access my G.
D.
File? No, no, he's accessing the Warehouse system.
If I can view an ATM in Sweden, for example, then so can Hugo One.
Agent Nielsen, your unconventional management skills are subpar.
Okay, I've have had just about enough of you.
I have determined the source of the recent catastrophic event.
Which is? The agents who work here.
I have completed my analysis.
- Todd? - Hey! Where are you? Your Doritos are getting cold.
Shoot.
Ah, I'm sorry.
This is Got a bit of an emergency here, I'm going to have to reschedule lunch.
Oh, okay.
No problem.
Maybe dinner? God, I hope so.
- Who's that? - Nobody.
I'm nobody? No, you're Todd.
This is Todd.
I can't talk right now.
Who is that? Nobody.
I'm nobody? No.
Uh, I can't do this.
I'm going to have to call you External communications are for Warehouse business use only.
Maybe a bad idea anyway.
So who's Todd? A guy.
A friend.
A guy friend.
It's not serious.
Why? Yeah, no particular reason.
I just got the impression that Just call her when your voice has changed.
We have work to do.
Hugo One, I think that your calculations are incorrect.
The agents are not the problem here.
Falcon Scott Protocol initiated.
No, no, no.
You can't be serious.
Protecting the Warehouse is my primary function.
No.
No.
What's Falcon Scott Protocol? Well, the system initiates a temperature drop to subzero to protect the artifacts.
And what happens to us? Ooh! Oh, that was fast.
Anything useful in that file about our Lawrence Welk back there? It's weird.
There's a recent neuroimaging of his brain and it shows that there's a whole section of it that's completely dormant.
And there's no explanation why.
I need to shed a tear.
Don't we all? I think he means he needs to go to the bathroom.
What? Yeah.
My uncle used to say that.
Hugo, okay, you hold it.
Okay? I just got this baby detailed.
There's a gas station down the road.
Jeez, it's cold in here.
You think by saying that every three minutes, it's going to get any warmer? We've got about an hour left before it becomes life threatening.
Then where are you taking us? We gotta I didn't catch that.
What the hell is Whoa! You took off his cuffs? He likes to sit.
That's not in my job description.
Ice cream.
Not now, Hugo.
That's what it was like in the bathroom.
Fine, you know what? Grab me some Twizzlers.
I'm going to call Artie and see what's up.
Artie, I can't understand you.
Albert grows things.
Huh? Yeah, he's had a long day.
Just keep the change and thank you.
Artie, slow down.
Well, there's a new one.
I think the Farnsworth is broken.
Babble, babble, babble.
Okay.
Artie, I don't know if you can hear me but I went through Hugo's medical file and half of his brain is burned out.
"Bring Hugo back.
Computer has taken over" What? Mmm.
Okay, we have to get back there now.
All right, buddy, we're going for a ride.
I'm going to have a little chat with Hugo One.
Lattimer and Bering? That's what I thought.
Hands above your head.
Hey, pal, you're making a mistake.
Don't push me, cowboy! Or we could just raise up our hands.
Yeah.
Don't you have any artifacts that make it warmer? Increases elasticity, makes pigeons dance.
Nothing here.
I don't get it.
How is any of this dangerous? Oh, trust me, if it's been snagged, bagged and tagged, it's got an evil streak.
So, Todd, is he your boyfriend? Guy friend.
Okay.
Boyfriend.
He's nice.
What about you? Girlfriend? Used to.
She doesn't exist anymore.
Oh.
When you break up, you really break up.
I'm new to the whole dating meme.
I mean, I like Todd, but he thinks I work in a tax warehouse, so it's not like I could say, "Hey, sorry, I can't make our date, "an evil computer took over my workplace.
" Be nice if I could just have someone in my life I could be honest with, like you.
Yeah.
Nice.
Oh! Ooh! Hey.
A Zoetrope.
I used to have one of these when I was a kid.
Yeah, that would probably make Fargo, no! I think I just saw your whole life flash before my eyes.
And? Was that a genie costume? No.
"Max Wertheimer's Zoetrope.
"Allows for mind transference.
" Get out! Wertheimer.
Wertheimer.
He was the Gestalt guy in the '20s.
He pioneered the study of the brain's thought processes.
I spent some time in a psych unit Research facility.
Hey, wait a second, Myka said Hugo kept talking about spinning and dancing.
Unauthorized removal of artifact.
Security measures engaged.
Those are my MARAs.
Hugo One's been playing with your toys.
But they're just for maintenance and repair though, right? Mostly.
Whoa! Nice! Run! Don't move.
Cops are on the way.
Okay, look, Leo, I think you're kind of stepping in it here, bro, I mean, the thing is, we're kind of in a hurry.
Yeah, no kidding, pretty boy.
I saw you on the APB.
You're wanted for kidnapping, probably that guy, right? The A.
I.
It must've accessed the internet through the Warehouse.
You think it doesn't want us to bring Hugo back? Look, Leo, you're making a huge mistake because we're Secret Service.
Look, I'm just going to reach for my badge slowly and I'm going to throw it over to you and just take a look at it.
This looks real.
That's because it is real, Leo.
But the Secret Service protects the President.
Yeah, and the President's nowhere else around here! Not as stupid as you thought, huh? Hey, hey, hey.
What? Soda pop goes boom! Pete, are you okay? What's he talking about? I don't know.
Blast off with lemon launch.
Remember? Huh? Hugo makes his own lemony launches.
"Houston, we have a problem.
" What's wrong with him? Do not get me started.
Hugo, doesn't Leo look thirsty? What a lark.
Look out! That's it? What the hell? Billy Jack! What did you think was going to happen with a can of soda pop? The guy built a computer that can have us arrested.
I thought his practical jokes would do more than make the floor sticky.
Sticky! You wanted to chat? God, I hate that.
I intercepted Donovan and Fargo attempting to remove an artifact from Allentown-22C.
But you didn't hurt them, right? The dropping temperatures will soon preclude any further breeches of protocol.
Bully for you.
Very happy for you.
Listen, Hugo One, I was thinking, you know, while we're waiting for me to take the big sleep, that you and I, I don't know, we could pass the time, maybe by playing a game.
Attempting to distract me with games is futile.
I know.
I know.
I know.
But come on, Hugo.
Come on.
You can't resist playing a game, any game, I know you can't.
Does that work? No! Stupid MARAs.
We can't stay in here forever.
We can stay in here until that thing wakes up.
Out, out, out.
We got to go.
Was that the original Don't say its name! Trust me on this.
It could get ugly.
All right, come on, we're the two biggest techno brains in the Dakotas and we're totally getting our asses kicked by Colossus.
That ring you have, can it amplify anything other than human energy? Like for instance? For instance, a laser.
Marry me! D-9.
Miss.
D-10.
Hit.
Ah! You sunk my battleship.
Sorry.
A-7.
Miss, again.
If this works, we'll probably only have a few seconds before it drains the cutter's charge.
Hey, if we die, it's been fun.
Agreed.
Awesome.
Fargo, watch out.
It is my destiny! Twenty years of practicing in front of a mirror for the best four seconds of my life.
We rule! I like Todd.
I had a completely different thought.
No, I mean I'm really sorry.
I like you, Fargo.
I do.
But when we kissed, I was totally thinking of Todd.
I really like him.
He's not just some guy.
He's the guy I think about when I impulsively kiss guys I've just met.
We're still cool, right? Yeah, totally.
Good.
Let's find this Zoetrope and get it to Artie.
This is why Jedi turn to the dark side.
Come on, Hugo.
Okay.
Artie's here.
Yes, yes, he is.
He's here.
Come on.
Let's go see Artie.
What's wrong? It won't open.
Tick tock, change the lock.
Oh, man.
I knew this was going to happen someday.
The computers have taken over.
Step one, kill Pete and Myka.
Step two, unleash the nuclear arsenal and then bam! Pretty soon, we're all in human breeding camps wearing fur bikinis.
You know what? Sometimes I think your brain is the artifact.
It's just It's just a program, Pete.
Computers can't think for themselves, all right? Mine does.
Okay.
E-3.
Hit.
You've won, which is impossible.
Well, not when you've played the way I have.
See, I never put any of my battleships on the board.
You cheated.
You know what I think? I don't think that you're artificial intelligence.
You're Hugo Miller.
Part of him, anyway.
Pete and Myka have the other part, don't they? You You don't know anything about me.
Well, I think I know more about you than you do yourself.
I know that you loved wearing those hideous leisure suits, and I know you had a fat orange cat, and I know that you always cheated at games.
It used to drive everybody completely crazy.
And for some reason, the part of you that loves games is still in there, and the part of you that cheated is not.
Hugo, what the hell happened? Full programming was discontinued by the Regents, deemed too dangerous.
But the potential for human-computer interface is invaluable to the scientific community.
And so you took a shortcut.
You cheated, you used an artifact.
I may have miscalculated.
Instead of copying my electroencephalographic waves, it transferred them.
Half of Hugo's brain didn't burn out.
It's in the computers.
Well, the left side anyway.
The compassion and intuition and improvisation, that's still in Hugo's body.
Hugo, you can't run the Warehouse with half a brain.
I mean, look, I was able to trick you at a child's board game.
Let Pete and Myka come back to the Warehouse with the real Hugo.
Let us try to put your brain back together.
Oh, man, I'm really starting to hate these things.
Well, hello.
No, no, Hugo.
No, no, no.
That's a bad sound.
Pete, I really think that we should just Take cover! Take cover! Hugo, get down! Get down! Get down! Artie? Artie, we got it.
Max Wertheimer's Zoetrope! Hugo Miller could've used this to copy his brain into Hugo One.
That's why he was able to create such a sophisticated A.
I.
25 years ago.
Except that he's not an A.
I.
And it's not a copy.
It's really half of Hugo Miller's brain in there, which is why he can't function as a full human being.
Right, Hugo? Your argument has merit.
The right side of my brain should be reconnected with the left, but not in human form, inside the computer.
You'll be trapped in there.
The human body fails after a few years.
Computers are forever.
He has a point.
If I help you then what do I get? I shall lift the restrictions and abort Falcon Scott Protocol.
Lattimer and Bering may return to the Warehouse with Miller and complete the transference.
If you do this, you know you'll be killing the real Hugo Miller.
No.
The real Hugo Miller will become his life's work.
Okay, Hugo, that thing's firing freaking laser beams at us, man.
We have to get past that eye.
Where is the Tesla? Oh, it's in the car.
I'll get it.
Careful.
Be careful.
Okay.
Okay, but it's not fully charged.
All right, well, it's our only shot.
Well, I'm a better shot, so I should take it.
Bull.
Okay.
It's gone.
Hugo? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hugo, you go first.
Pete! What? Just All right, I'll go.
Artie, you can't do this.
I know.
It's just Hugo One has left us no option.
So what? This lamp thing is going to suck out the rest of this poor guy's brain? Yes.
The Warehouse comes first.
We all knew that going in.
Hello, there.
Wait, that's Hugo.
What? I'll explain later.
Shall we begin? No.
No.
Artie, we're not going to feed a former agent to some pissed off Atari.
No, no, Pete.
What the hell are these things going to do? What the hell are those things going to do? Nets? Fire? I don't know.
Or spinning blades.
No, no, no.
No, no.
It's okay, guys.
I got it.
It's okay.
Just stay back there and don't make it angry.
Hugo? That is not necessary.
We will do exactly as we've agreed.
Thank you.
Until the procedure is complete, all systems will remain on automatic.
You will continue to be locked out of any access.
Guys? Could you please hurry because I already shaved once today.
Please connect the Zoetrope to the failsafe.
Claudia.
Sorry.
The spinning.
Begin.
Artie, you can't.
You have to stop this.
There's a person in there.
All right, now.
Now, what? The lights have dimmed.
Yeah, and? That's exactly what happened when Hugo One first Was first turned on.
turned on.
So now we've got a shot because Because the transfer might be taking up most of his processing power.
Yes.
We might be able to get back into the system.
Exactly.
You can remotely access the Warehouse through your laptop? I hacked in from Switzerland once.
Sweet.
Guys, we're losing him.
There's a pass code.
Crack it.
It's six digits or letters.
I'm counting on your hackery.
I need more than eight seconds.
Ah! Myka, the picture! He gave us this code when we visited him.
It's a picture of a cat.
Wait, he had a fat orange cat.
What was the name of the cat? Fatty catty! Orangy? Try Orangy.
No go.
Orangy.
Really? Albert.
Albert.
It's Albert.
How do you know that? Because we went into that store and he got Hugo said, "Albert grows things.
" The name of his cat is Albert.
I'm in.
Yes! Yes! All right.
Lock him out of everything, but this lab.
Illegal access.
Disengage.
Oh, boo-hoo.
Time to set things right.
What are you all doing in my office? Hugo, you don't remember? Remember what? I was in the middle of a procedure and I Oh.
Oh, what the hell is this? What? What? Hugo, buddy, we got a little story to tell you.
Let's go get some ice cream.
I can't.
I'm lactose intolerant.
Ooh.
What? Do you ever think about our future here? Like how do we not end up with our brains scrambled or blown up or whatever new way to die there could be? Well, I mean, look at the bright side, I'm usually within so whatever terrible thing happens to you will probably happen to me, too.
Comforting.
You know, when we play rock, paper, scissors, you don't always have to pick rock.
I don't always pick rock.
Yes, you do.
All right, next time I will pick scissors.
See, you shouldn't have told me that.
And that should do it.
All the most recent patches and upgrades.
I cannot wait to see all the technical achievements I've missed.
Did Billy Gates ever get that project of his off the ground? Um, in a way.
Yeah.
You'll love Eureka, we have a brain mapping project so up your alley, it has a parking space.
Yeah.
If things don't work out in Eureka, please consider coming back to be with us.
Thanks, but I really couldn't leave Eureka Not you.
I'm so glad you're back.
Thank you, Agent Nielsen.
Oh, just call me Artie.
Artie.
Artie? Wait, Artie? We used to play Battleship together.
You hated computers.
Still do.
Maybe there is no such thing as evolution.
You and me and MacPherson, we have to get together.
Well, that would be nice.
But there aren't as many of us from the old days as there used to be.
Ah.
Hugo.
Artie.
Good luck.
Forget it.
Hey.
Hey.
Thank you for coming.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry we got cut off earlier.
Something huge came up.
It's okay.
Listen, there's something I need to tell you.
Me, too.
Look, I'm sorry I've been such a flake lately and my head's been in a weird place, but I recently got some clarity I don't think it's a good idea for me to see you anymore.
I'm sorry.