Welcome to Flatch (2022) s02e05 Episode Script

1
[BOBBY PICKETT'S "MONSTER MASH"]
[ALL CHEERING]
Four Barbaritas for la mesa ♪
- That's "table" in Spanish.
- All right.
It's time to get this
fiesta started, ladies ♪
It hasn't already started?
We've yelled "woo" like five times.
OK. I do love a pink drink.
Reminds me of middle school.
I too love a fancy drink.
And I hate to be a party pooper,
but I need to take photos of
Nan's house for the website
before the sun goes down.
You know? Play hard, work harder.
Right, boss?
Who are you calling boss? [LAUGHS]
I'm off the clock, and so are you.
You can take the pictures tomorrow.
It's spooky night.
What is spooky night?
It's something that I used to
do with my girlfriends,
AKA "The Coven" back in the Pomp
to get in the spirit of Halloween.
Now I'm doing it with my new
girlfriends here in Flatch.
First thing we did Witchy manicures.
[GROWLS]
Spooky gals.
Poo gas.
I asked for something natural
and low-key and got these.
[CHUCKLES] Still having
lots of fun, though.
ALL: To spooky night!
- Woo!
- Yes, witch!
- [CHUCKLES]
- Mm-mm.
Just trying it out.
Spooky night is awesome.
I mean, it's so fun hanging
out with Barb outside work.
She's so cool and fun.
Did you hear when she was like,
"Who you calling boss?"
I think if I play my cards right,
we could be like, best friends.
And like, I've never had one
of those other than Shrub.
Oh, my God. He'd be so bestie-rita.
I just made that up.
I gotta go tell Barb.
Who is that?
Oh, that's Rick.
But everybody calls him the Hot Hermit
'cause he lives off the grid
and he's hot.
Yeah, he is.
He's like one of the hottest men
I've ever seen in my life, and I
I was a judge at the Mr. Pompano
Beach apron-only grilling competition.
Enjoy.
Did Hot Hermit just pay in soup?
Bone broth.
He's a live-off-the-land type, but he
comes in once a week
to buy Fruity Pebbles.
- Mm.
- 'Kay.
OK. That's it. I'm putting it out there.
I want a new man.
It's time to get over Bert
and hop under a hermit.
[CAR HORN HONKS]
[SCREAMS] [BOTH SCREAM]
So for Halloween this year, me, Beth,
and Mickey are actually
doing a throuple costume,
which at first I really
was not excited about.
But then I thought about it,
and it turns out
that there's actually
a ton of really cool costumes
that you can only do with three people.
You know, like Bella, Edward, Jacob.
Plug, socket, surge protector.
- Rock, paper
- Cowgirl.
So you two are my horse.
When was this decided?
I think it was when my dad
let us use the jacuzzi.
Wait, you guys were in
a Jacuzzi together without me?
So I'm the cowgirl,
and Mickey's the front of the
horse, and you're the back.
Uh, you mean the butt. [CHUCKLES] Um
Right. Well, what if
Mickey is the butt actually?
'Cause he has an amazing rump.
Well, thank you, but think
about the optics of
a Black man being the butt of a horse.
Not the message that we want to send.
[SIGHS]
- Here, horsey.
- Oh, thank you.
I'd give you some, but your
part doesn't have a face.
I love Halloween.
It's one of my favorite holidays.
All the candy, and the
pumpkin-themed stuff,
all the scares.
[SCREAMS] [LAUGHS]
And I found all my old A-Men stuff.
A lot of memories in here.
A lot of panties, too.
Christian Teen Idol and all,
it was huge in Germany.
Yeah. I was, uh, very good for
the unmentionables industry.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, yeah. I remember that show.
So much fun, guys.
So now for the best part
of spooky night, a psychic.
Oh, yeah. I'm out.
I don't I don't do psychics.
- What?
- Oh, come on, Mandy.
- Psychics aren't real.
- [SIGHS] No.
I don't mess with psychics.
Plus I saw that guy at the drugstore.
Dude tries on the Chapsticks
and then puts them back.
That's pervert behavior.
I'm going to ask who my
next lover is going to be
because, honey, it is time.
Honey, it is time.
[SMOOCHES]
I'll leave that honey stuff to you.
Girl, it is time for you
to get back on that horse.
Yeah, it is. [CHUCKLES]
I'm seeing that your next
big love is going to be
someone sexy but a little bit spicy.
- Ooh. I like spicy.
- But not your usual type.
That's really good
because Bert was my type,
and apparently the entire
brokerage is as well.
So when when am I going
to meet this person?
- Soon.
- Oh, OK.
But keep an eye out
for someone unexpected.
Oh, my God. OK.
This is good. This is good.
- But buckle up
- What?
Because it's going to be intense.
[GROANS] God. OK.
[CHUCKLES] Thank you.
Your turn, babe.
Thanks, babe.
[RETCHES] I don't I don't say "babe."
Ooh. Ooh. Oh, my.
You're going to be like
extremely frightened really soon.
No.
That's not possible.
I literally don't get scared.
I saw "The Exorcist" when I was four,
and I went home and slept like
a baby, 'cause I was one.
I'm telling you
you're going to be terrified.
And I'm telling you
I need to get you a mic.
- You're a comedian.
- Ow.
Sorry.
And last but not least
Oh, OK.
[CHUCKLES] Not what I was expecting.
Glam in the front, granola in the back.
I see you, miss mullet.
So what do you want to know?
Well, why don't you
just tell me something?
Oh, well, if I ask you a question,
you'll know what I want to hear.
Then how am I going to know if you're
really telling my fortune
or you're just a fake?
Mm. OK.
Your attitude is not appreciated.
I don't go to your job
and say the news is fake.
Well, actually, that's
a big problem in journalism
- right now.
- You're cool.
You're cool.
- You both get free herb baths.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- No herb bath for you.
You're not cool. Get out. Bye-bye.
When people are rude,
it is more a reflection of them
than it is of you.
Wait.
How did he know I work in news?
[DOG HOWLING, BARKING]
What do besties do?
They let you know if you
have a boog hanging out.
They have your back in a prank war.
Most importantly, be a good wing woman.
If Barb likes that Hot Hermit,
I'm serving up Hot Hermit on a platter.
Mickey?
Imagine your body
is on the crest of a wave.
As you inhale, the tide
goes out, and you notice
- Dude, what are you doing?
- Oh.
Your grandma said you were in the
closet, but I thought she was being old.
Oh, I'm just making a recording
for my Meditate With Mickey app.
The acoustics in here
are incredible, thanks to
my extensive hand-knit
woolen cap collection.
Listen to this.
I feel it's my duty to make use of my
[SLOWLY] Soothing voice instrument.
So what brings you
to my studio, Kel-dawg?
Well, Mick dog, I'm actually
here because I need to borrow
your drone to make a sick
video of Nan's house for Barb.
Ah.
A drone is the perfect
tool for that job,
though I have two very important rules.
- Are you listening?
- Yes.
One is that you be careful
with Sharon Drone.
Rule number two is very important.
It's that you adhere to all
federal privacy regulations.
No spying.
Dude, we are on the same page.
Literally was going to say no spying.
Oh, we're definitely spying.
As Barb's employee, I need to get
those photos for the website.
But as her wing woman, I need
to check out the Hot Hermit.
See if he's Barb material.
I'm like a Barb bouncer.
If you want to get into Barb,
you've got to go through me.
Damn it.
[GROANS]
I hired you to do some touch-ups,
but that is some angry painting
you're doing.
[SIGHS] I'm sorry.
I'm just like
super frustrated right now.
Having throuple trouble.
What's going on?
Beth and Mickey are making me
be like an actual butt for Halloween.
Like, we're doing like
a cowgirl and a horse,
and they took the good parts
of the costume, obviously.
Always, actually.
Huh, sounds to me like
you're getting pushed around.
Right? Yes. Thank you.
It's like no one ever listens to me,
and I'm feeling like a third wheel.
It's like I I really
honestly can't even tell you
if Beth even likes me anymore
or if she just likes being part
of a very complicated calendar.
I hear you.
I mean, I've had a few
throuple experiences myself.
Oh, yeah?
They were more like threesomes.
Um
You want my advice?
Absolutely.
A throuple is only as
strong as its weakest link.
- You got to put your foot down.
- Right.
Make it clear that you will not
be pushed around, 'cause right now,
it's just a Halloween costume.
But the next thing you
know, you are pushed
out of the family plan and a 22
year old is wearing your at-home wig.
And I will tell you what I told
that girl from Tallahassee.
I said that is my damn waterbed,
and Barb is not an appetizer.
She is the whole damn meal.
Well, that is that's
really great advice.
To be completely honest with you,
I don't know what most
of Barb's advice means.
But I do know that when
someone with a waterbed talks,
you listen.
Hey, look.
All my fan letters from my A-Men days.
- Aw.
- People were so thoughtful.
One woman named her
Boston Terrier after me.
Fan mail, panties,
fan mail, panties.
Oh, hey. Look.
The remote from my first apartment.
[CHUCKLES]
More panties.
I forgot about the sheer volume
- Ooh.
- Of panties.
Look at this.
The puka shells.
The girls went crazy for this thing.
Hey, Cheryl, can you handle the heat?
I remember the first time
I saw that necklace
in the video for the song
"Take My Body and Eat It."
Those, uh, puka shells
all covered in sweat and
just bouncing up and down on his chest
as he danced.
What were you talking about?
[ANIMALS CHITTERING]
[DRONE BEEPS]
Hey, thanks for taking me out
here and showing me the ropes.
Wouldn't want to risk slamming
this puppy into a house
- on its first flight, right?
- Of course.
Well, the only person who lives out here
is Rick the Hot Hermit.
Really? The hot what?
I didn't know anyone lived out here.
Who is that guy?
[STUTTERS] Kelly, what did I say?
- This is spying.
- That was the wind. OK?
It's not spying
if the wind wants to do it.
The wind is really curious
what Rick's up to.
Weird, but OK, wind.
[DISPLAY BEEPS]
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
That's like a lot of axes, right?
Like, what's a normal amount
of axes to have? Seven?
Any number of axes is our cue to go.
Do you think he's like an ax murderer?
If he is, that's his business,
and it's his right to keep that private.
And it is my right to stay alive.
- So I will take back
- No.
It is my business if he's a killer. OK?
As Barb's potential best friend,
I don't want her hooking up
with someone dangerous.
Wait. Rick is Barb's boyfriend?
He could be if he plays his cards right,
like having a good explanation
for his really creepy yard, right?
You ready for lunch?
Ugh, lunch? Right.
Yeah, OK. Give me two minutes.
I have had a day.
First, the dishwasher broke down,
and then the chickens
mistook my nails for talons
and tried to peck me to death.
I'm a little concerned
that Emily Chickenson
might have enjoyed it.
[SIGHS] You know
what's happening, right?
That psychic put a curse on you.
Oh.
No, it's It's just a bad day.
None of that woo-woo stuff is real.
Did you tell the psychic that?
- Uh, I may have implied it.
- Come on.
Let's go. Let's hurry up.
OK, I just need to check
the paper today.
[GASPS] Oh, no!
They forgot to print the front page?
That's never happened before.
So let me get this straight.
You want me to wear this,
and you added a muscle suit for Mickey?
Well, it's nothing personal, Shrub.
- Do you want a muscle butt?
- Yeah.
Of course I want a muscle butt.
I'm only human, Beth.
But it's about having to ask, guys.
- I'm like
- Comrades, I do hate to rush us.
But I need to get back
to protecting my drone.
- What are you talking about?
- Well, throuple focus.
Cowgirl assemble.
It's time to jaunty walk.
Ready? OK.
Here we go.
OK. Shrub, you need to get lower.
The head shouldn't be on
the same plane as the butt.
I'm trying, Mickey.
I have a lot of back problems
for a young man, actually.
If the butt talks,
it ruins the illusion.
Yes, as our sweet Beth aptly
put it, shush your tush.
Well, I'm not going
to shush my tush, OK?
This butt has something to say,
and it's that you guys
never listen to me.
No one ever cares how I feel, and all
the good stuff always goes to Mickey.
And it's like, what?
Now you don't want me to talk?
Are you kidding me?
That is so stupid.
You know what?
I'm out of this costume
and the throuple.
Gah. Whatever!
Just you know,
Shrub is not an appetizer, OK?
I'm the whole dang meal.
[DOOR SLAMS]
[SCREAMS]
Cheryl! Are you OK?
I think I'm having an allergic reaction.
So Mandy gave me this oil that she
got at a gas station in New Orleans.
And she swears that that's why
she hasn't had bad luck
in like six years.
No, I haven't been cursed.
[CHUCKLES] That's ridiculous.
She just she wouldn't
take no for an answer.
Oh, these are good for that.
[SIGHS]
She thinks that the psychic
put a curse on me,
which is ridiculous, obviously.
I totally believe in curses.
I also believe in elves.
And if you cross your eyes long
enough, they'll stay that way.
And that quicksand is everywhere.
I mean, minus the axes, it's
a really beautiful property.
Kelly, I've been looking
for you everywhere.
What are you doing here?
We're supposed to meet at Nan's house.
Rick. It's Rick.
Oh, my God. What is he doing?
[GASPS]
- Oh!
[DRONE BEEPING]
Sharon! [CRASH]
Sharon!
Been thinking about my new guy.
You can't go fishing without a pole.
And by fishing, I mean snagging a man.
And by pole, I mean me.
Hey, Barb. You look nice today.
Look, I know Joe's with Cheryl,
but there do seem to be
quite a few weird arrangements
in this town.
Maybe I should be open to one, too.
You know, the psychic
did say "unexpected."
Hey, you too.
You look great.
- Oh.
- What are you
What are you how are you?
[SIGHS] Great. Yeah.
I'm just picking up some
anti-itch cream for some boils
that started to ooze.
Oh.
- Well, got to go.
- Yeah, me too.
Told you.
Catnip.
[KNOCKING]
- [EXCLAIMS]
- Hell oh.
Hello, sir. How are you doing today?
Are you spying on me?
No. No, man.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] Seriously.
We're going to look back on
this and just laugh up a storm.
OK?
We were just curious
why you have so many axes.
I have axes because I chop stuff.
Look, if we could just get
the drone back, we will be
Invading my privacy again?
Mm-mm, I don't think so,
because I am so pissed off right now
that you're not getting this back.
I am so angry that I'm making
myself more angry
thinking about being angry right now.
And I'm not supposed to get that angry.
And I got a damn stress-induced ulcer.
- [GROANS]
- OK.
I'm going to hack this
to bits just to calm down.
Great idea, but real quick
Have you ever heard of
Meditate With Mickey?
It's an app
[SLOWLY, SMOOTHLY] For relaxation.
You know, the strangest thing happened
when I was out picking up
your anti-itch cream.
I think Barb Flatch was hitting on me.
Must be the puka power.
Yeah, OK. Fine.
I have been cursed.
Hey. Sorry about that.
I just had to, uh, dip out
for a quick throuple thing.
The last throuple thing, actually.
Yeah, I took your advice, and
I ended it with Beth and Mick.
[POPS MOUTH]
- Wow.
- Yeah.
- Well, good for you, Shrub.
Eh.
I have to say that is certainly
not what I was expecting.
[SMOOTHLY] And you're walking
by a babbling brook
in a peaceful meadow.
Some lovely birds are chirping.
A meadow mouse pops up to
say hello, and the mouse
[SMOOTHLY] And the mouse thinks
you should go on a date
with a strong, hot real estate woman.
So when Rick started yelling,
I was like, this dude's a psychopath.
Like, I don't want him
anywhere near Barb.
Friends do not let friends
date psychopaths.
But then he sort of committed
to working on himself,
and Barb loves a project.
That girl always has her
glue sticks out, you know?
If anyone can fix him, it's Barb.
So yeah. I'm back on Rick for Barb.
I think it could be great. You know?
But he's on really thin ice.
And find something to focus on,
bringing your attention
back to the room.
And that concludes today's session
of Meditate With Mickey.
Namaste.
I accept.
Uh, you accept what?
Your offer.
With a strong hot woman
in real estate, right?
Oh. Uh
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
How many pounds of
frozen meat can you lift?
[IMITATES CRACKING] [SCREAMS, GASPS]
That was Rick falling through the ice,
though I can't blame him
for catching feelings.
Mandy! You're right.
I was cursed, and now the
curse is coming for Joe and I.
What do we do?
We go confront that psychic.
Son of a witch gave it to you.
That means he can reverse it.
- Yes!
- Yeah.
Oh. Mm. Are those oven mitts?
Oh, yeah.
They help me stop itching, the hives.
Also, can you drive?
I had real trouble shifting
on the way out here.
I got you. I know. It's yeah.
I got you. Don't worry.
[SULTRY MUSIC]
♪
- To the unexpected.
- Oh.
Those are really pretty.
- You are drinking a Barbarita.
- Mm.
[CHUCKLES] Like how that tastes?
Uh-huh.
It is way better than
my nan's Banananana colada.
Here.
Let me. Let me help you.
♪
I used to work summers for the
neighbor, who was a handyman.
He taught me all of his secrets.
[BOTH GRUNTING, GASPING]
Close your mouth some.
Come here. Come here.
[MOANING] Oh.
[DOOR SLAMS] [CRASH]
[FABRIC RIPS] Oh!
OK, you got to pull hard.
I couldn't get the tail off either.
Well, I didn't get back on the horse,
but I got back on the back of the horse.
[CHUCKLES] Oh.
And it was intense. [CHUCKLES]
Oh, Shrub is surprisingly
good at taking direction.
[EXCLAIMS] I lost my virginity
three and a half times!
Yeah, turns out there is
a ton of stuff you can do,
and it all counts as sex.
Um
Lots of twists and turns, though.
Few red herrings.
- OK. Bye, Rick.
- Wait, wait, wait, hey.
- Bye.
- Please.
Please take some soup.
- Oh. Thank you.
- Thank you.
And, Kelly, let me know
if you ever change your mind.
- Sweetheart.
- Bye.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Thank you.
- Yeah. Go, go, go.
- Uh, he kills his own meat?
I don't know, but I don't
think we should eat this soup.
OK.
[WHISPERS] Hey, dude.
Look, look, look, look.
- [GASPS] Sharon Drone!
- Shh!
[LAUGHS]
Yeah, I did that.
Spy.
You need to remove the curse that you
put on me right now or else.
Or else you'll bake me a pie?
All right. That's enough.
No one makes fun of my weird friends.
Yeah!
I got one word for you Chapstick.
Two words, lickin' Chapstick.
You, drugstore. Seen it, filmed it.
That's a bunch of two words.
Scared?
Wonder what would happen to
your business if that got out.
You know what?
Let me get that curse removal
done on the house.
- Got you, babe.
- Give me your mitts.
Say goodbye to the puks, babe.
Yup. That's the past.
I can't be going around town
breaking girls hearts.
Besides, Cheryl's my only lady.
Maybe we keep them out.
Just for tonight.
I knew that psychic was bunk. OK?
Literally nothing that
scared me all day long.
Even went to the psycho hermit's house.
And like, between us, I'm like
5% sure that dude is a murderer.
[DRONE BEEPS] Guess I'm unscareable.
Let's do this.
If I know Barb,
she loves a window detail.
[DRONE BUZZING]
[DOG HOWLS]
[SCREAMS]
[DRONE BEEPING] [CRASH]
Sharon Drone!
[SOBS]