Workaholics s02e05 Episode Script

Wake up, you old piece of shit! - Slappy birthday! - Happy Birthday.
Guys, guys, come on, please.
Not this year, guys.
I don't want to do it this year.
All right, all right.
Fine, I'll do it, but only because I'm already dressed, guys! Oh! Bam.
Are you ready for the birthday booze-athon? Walking, walking, walking, walking.
Well, it's your birthday, slappy birthday.
He's looking good, but you gotta wonder if his age is gonna be a factor in this year's tour de franzia.
I've got you by the back.
I got you by the back.
You can do it.
We all believe in you.
Very good.
Oh, he lost helmet.
He missed the flamingo.
Oh, guys.
Yeah.
What is it? That's not beer.
No, it's whiskey.
I watered it down though.
Okay.
All right, fine.
With beer.
Here we go.
Come on.
Oh! Booze-athon, yeah.
Come on, derzel Hasselhoff, baywatch those beers, you're doing great.
No, dude.
I can't do it, I'm starting to get hot mouth.
Come on, they need your help.
Clock's ticking by, let's go.
No, no.
Yeah.
Get 'em.
Eww.
Oh, my gosh.
Nobody's puked the pool in like, a while.
It's been a while.
It's been too long, actually.
I guess we did it.
Yeah, it's been a while.
I'm done.
Well, you're paying for a pool cleaner.
I mean, don't be a dick about it.
That is an entire bagel bite.
He ate your bagel bite.
He ate my bagel bites.
Son of a bitch! Dammit! Where are you going? Well, this is Ders' birthday breakfast.
I got him some grapefruit, a grandpa bran muffin, and a shot of prune juice and Jagermeister.
'Cause you saw him yesterday, man.
He's an old dude.
Man, he's crazy old.
It's bizarre how old he is.
It's not carrot cake.
- Hmm, yuck.
- No, no.
Nah, it's no good.
Yeah, it's for old men.
Yeah, Ders is old, he's like a year and a half older.
You know how many months that is? That's like-- Anyways, don't mention anything about him getting old 'cause, you know, it's his birthday.
Just play cool.
I should help you carry the tray though because that looks - No.
- Heavy and I'm-- definitely have a solid core.
Okay.
I see what you're doing, you're trying to say it's from both of us.
It's not.
This is sort of from both of us though, because My mom gave us this tray when my grandma died.
Well, uh, tell your dead grandma I said thanks.
Well, look who's up.
Whoa, beef castle.
Oh, what's up with you guys? - Who's swagging? - No, I'm swagging.
You swagging? - I--I think maybe.
- Yeah.
Come on, man.
What are you listening to? Oh, dudf, it's this new mash-up tape, dj Chris unchained! Lah dow.
Marry lah dow--let me-- - uh-hmm.
- Let me listen.
Yeah.
Like jamiroquai, mix of smash mouth.
I hear it now.
Nope! That's a chop, buddy.
Ow.
What--what was that? That was weird.
Why are you chopping him? It's a chop, man, you say or do anything stupid and that's a chop.
We used to do it on the playground when I was a kid, so I'm bringing it back.
- Okay.
- Yeah, that's cool.
Thank you for that and thank me for this.
It's a breakfast for your birthday and, oh.
I got you this gift.
And you know what? Happy Birthday.
Well, it's--it's just from me, not Adam.
It came on my tray, so.
It's a golf polo.
Very American dadiator.
You could get married in something like that; You could probably also get divorced in that as well.
Or a job interview or maybe like a soldier's funeral, or I was thinking, hey, you know, you want to be city councilman dude, one day.
So, maybe you can wear that and get elected.
It's not really what the young go-hards are wearing right now, you know, the go-hards are wearing-- I can't wear this if I'm gonna run with the go-hards.
Very swag.
Maybe I'll--I'll just-- oh, yeah.
There we go.
- Get this bad boy there.
- Cool, yeah.
That's much better.
That is much better.
You're very strong by the way.
- Looks great, yeah.
- Yes.
That was $60.
City councilman dude? How about I try and be like city breakdancer man.
Oh, I like that.
Boom, city breakdancer man city breakdancer man very swag, swag, swag, swag, swag city breakdancer man swag, swag, swag, swag, swag I got this one, Adam.
You got next.
That was fun.
That was my first taxi ride.
There you go, thank you.
- It went pretty fast.
- Thanks a lot.
Dude, what are we doing here? We should be wut drinking more.
We should be out drinking more.
- Yes.
- We're not gonna do that.
Are we still gonna do that? Whoa.
Look at this.
Dude, this is swagged out.
Very swagged out.
Hey, hey, hey you all like this, don't you, huh? This is captain America times stoked right here.
I won this at the mall, I guessed its weight.
Yo, dude, it's my birthday right now today.
Let me take this thing out for a smob.
You out your mind? Colleen don't even get to ride in this, unless she's doing maintenance from the passenger seat.
And you all know I'm talking about road-head.
Surprisingly, I did know that.
It's licky, licky time.
I don't care what you guys say, Harry and the Hendersons is legit.
No, we said it was legit.
Whoa, yeah, here's my birthday present that I got you.
Oh, dude.
I put it in a box.
Thanks so much, except you're lying.
I had this next-dayed last night.
Oh, that's a chop.
Who wants to do a snippet? I love snippets.
Uh, actually, we-- With the whippets, right? Yeah, it's a whippet.
People comes to snip its snout.
What if we just, uh, ducked out into the bathroom and got drunk like usual? That'll be fun.
No, we are making memories and then destroying them.
Okay, no.
That is hippy-crack, man.
Did we not all cry during that Steve-O documentary? Relax your mind, I'm gonna blast off.
Oh, wow! We're just celebrating big Ders' dog birthday.
Yeah.
Because the Ders' a dog and then there is everything that's happens to-- Sorry? Nothing.
Yeah, he's monkeying around again.
Whatever.
Look, uh, there's a big surprise for you in the break room.
It--it's a birthday cake.
Anyway, I'm not going.
Okay.
Anders, we have a dress code, can you please? It's Craig Norman, bitch.
Surprise! Yeah.
There he is! How does it feel to be 25? You get nothing.
Ders, the secret to staying young is Laugh a lot.
And Moisturize, that's right.
You know, Anders, you're the same age my parents were when they had me.
And then they gave me away and then I was adopted by those horrible Koreans.
Oh, well.
Der, you always doubt.
That.
Laugh a lot.
All right, okay.
Just-- Oh.
I know how old I am! Sorry.
He's on a ton of drugs right now.
He's like drugged out of his mind.
Thank you.
No, waymond, no, no! No! Bad waymond, bad! - Ders.
- Ders.
Gosh, what the heck is wrong with that guy? Whatever, we just gotta party through those demons.
No, that's the last thing we need to do.
We need to slow down.
Otherwise he's gonna turn into "The Ders.
" That would be awesome.
I love "the Ders," and you love "the Ders.
" Last time we partied with "the Ders," we went to seven Mary three.
Got us backstage.
He head butted a female security guard, bum-rushed the stage, and dedicated a song to his dad.
Yeah, but that song was cumbersome.
And it meant a lot to all of us at the time.
Did it, though? That's my favorite dersion of vers.
Whoa.
All aboard to downtown pound town.
Too heavy, too light, too black or too white too wrong or too right, today or tonight cumbersome Oh, we are so American.
This is the most American thing we could do right now.
- Whoo! - I feel like I'm in a parade.
How cool of montez to let you borrow his new car.
- Yeah, that's cool.
- Borrow that dude's car? Dude, I took the keys right off that fool's desk.
Whoa.
- Uh-huh.
- Holy grand theft auto.
We're badass.
That's American.
- Stealing cars is American.
- Thank you.
Where are we going? Dude, we're going straight to pound town.
Yeah, baby.
Population three, cheap import beer, cheap export swag.
Ah, okay.
Exported swag, I like it.
And I know it's your birthday, I don't want to be a wet serape, but maybe we should go home to chill ville.
It's pretty cool.
Plus Adam, nobody serves beer at 10:30, so help me out.
Yeah, a little place called dolphin's strip club.
Most definitely booze.
Um, they're not open yet.
Damn it.
No, it's fine that it's closed because home has tons of pornography.
I know that's a fact.
And the kitchen serves beer all day.
It's gonna be fun.
We could just go drink at a parking lot somewhere.
Yeah.
That's a chop, even for suggesting going home.
- I know.
- Consider yourself chopped.
It's a chop back.
No, ten for contact.
Is that real? Is that part of the game? I've never heard that, but I like that.
You wanna get real, whoo, then act real we've got fun and food at Dante's Dante's Dante's pizza palace Wow, very good.
All right.
This place is awesome, man, where did you--where did you find out about this spot? Dude, my dad took me here for my 11th birthday.
He got weird drunk and he showed up, most importantly.
That was the first time I got arrested, at 11.
This is really fun, guys.
I'm having a great time.
I didn't think I would say this ever in my life, but maybe we should get back to work, yeah? Return a stolen car that's in our possession? Boo, Nicky's joking.
Is that a joke? I'm puking--I'm drinking it.
Dude, we're shutting this bitch down.
- We're partying until 8 p! N! - Yeah.
Oh, yeah? You--you--yup, that's a chop.
You said p.
N.
It's official.
Oh, well that's a chop back because p.
N.
Is post noon, everyone knows that.
You need to go back to school, pick up some knowledge.
So, uh, Ders, what would it take for you to consider maybe doing the exact opposite of shutting bitches down? Maybe leaving this bitch, heading towards home bitch, home sweet home bitch? You know what? See that shark blimp over there? You win me that, and I'll go home right now.
All right, well, then one shark blimp chumming right up.
Nice.
Hey, good luck, buddy.
Oh, yeah! Yeah, yeah.
Whoo, whoo, whoo! How many more times are you gonna play? Uh, I'm gonna play infinity more times, little man.
Okay? All right, Ders, keep pounding that dog.
- I gotta make a call, okay? - Will do.
Dolphins.
Hey, Marty, what's up? It's d-bone.
You might remember me as d-train.
Mister, it's my birthday.
Buddy, it's my birthday, too.
You're not special.
Did someone tell you that you were? 'Cause you aren't.
I'm gonna tell on you.
You tell everybody you wanna tell.
Tell the whole world.
I'm gonna tell on you.
Pbbbt! Ahhhh! - Hey, man.
- Ow! What? What you doing here, man? Kid's trying to play and you game hogging? Since when is this the only game? There's a million games.
They can play other games.
You do realize that this is a Dante's, right? I mean, it's basically a black Chuck E.
Cheese.
Okay.
I can see that.
I mean, that guy's not black.
Oh, that's Oakland Tony.
O.
T.
Oh, he blacker than I am.
Buddy, I-I'm sorry.
Today is my birthday.
I'm gonna wild out and have a good time.
I got a cup full of coins, and I'm gonna get wild with them, all right? Sorry.
Hey.
I got my eyes on you.
Legitimately scary.
Too drunk to care.
It's illegal for you to tell me I can't take this outside, that's illegal.
Oh, there they are.
My sweet, sweet princesses.
Welcome to my castle, can I take your coats? No, wow, mama.
Oh, you better put those on, you're getting jealous.
You're getting jealous, huh? Whose birthday? It's feels like my birthday.
So it might as well be.
Hitch a ride on the sex bus.
Just kidding.
We can't have sex here.
There's kids everywhere.
Yeah, it's my birthday.
I figured I'd treat myself a little bit, you know.
Keep shaking it, here we go.
- Whoa.
- Oh.
Dude, is that my gift? - Uh, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah, it is your--it is your birthday present.
Woo, hey.
I just want to make sure they are not poisonous.
No, it's good unless you're allergic to glitter, so-- Whoa, glitter titties, for real? I'll be right there.
Come on, man.
Let's go.
Sorry, man.
You're 46 tickets shy of the shark.
You could get some vampire teeth and some scrunchies.
What? Okay, look.
I'm not trying to freak out on you, man.
You're just doing your job.
I've got a job, too.
And I do it sometimes.
But this is an emergency, okay? We've got a guy who is five beers away from turning into the Ders.
This is a guy who [Bleep.]
Ed a coy fish in the mouth until it died in front of a p.
F.
Chang's.
I just count tickets, dude.
Yeah, I'm your boss.
Here we go.
Trying to buck you.
Oh, she just made her butthole wink.
- What? - It just winked at me.
Oh, that is too real.
Oh my God.
Well, not a fan.
Let's stick to hits, please.
Cool.
- Titties up.
- Angel, hold up buddy, my knees are burning-- what the hell! I need to see you outside now.
Where they go? Where they at? Oh, I'm going to miss you.
I can't afford you for longer.
But I'm going to miss you.
Button up.
Let's play it safe.
There's kids.
There's kids.
You got to respect the kids.
Someone took a sip from my beer.
I don't like that, birthday boy.
Angel, go play with the team, okay? Later, dude, we changed your life.
Don't forget that.
Yeah dude, you're going to remember that forever.
Now, I ain't trying to fight today because it's a beautiful occasion.
But you brought strippers, albeit some fine ass strippers, to a kid's pizza place.
Dude, I'm not going to say this again.
Today is my birthday and I'm going to do whatever I wanna do.
What was that? That's the Ders.
Uh, all right.
Look.
I've got $19 and a one hitter, all you gotta do is give me that shark blimp.
That's all yours.
You just need to hand me-- hand me the sharp blimp.
The Ders is unleashed, yeah.
Gather around.
There's going to be a real show over here.
Ders, I got it.
I got your shark blimp.
What do you say we go home and give it a whirl.
It's no use, bud.
He's unleashed.
Gotta ride it out like a hurricane.
No, no, we're not riding anything.
Now, Ders, let's go home.
Let's ride home.
And you need to start acting your age, man.
What are you, 30? Ennnghhh, I'm 25, dickhead, and that's a chop.
Can I have some more tokens? Yeah, I'll go get you some tokens.
Hey Ders, how you doing, man? Come on.
Talk to me.
He's refusing to get off.
This is the saddest thing I've ever seen, dude.
You're not a child.
Do you have any more tokens? I wanna play pop-a-shot again.
I got like the fourth highest score on the thing.
I'm not just going to give up.
I'm not a quitter.
- You need to chill out.
- Okay.
This is the worst birthday I've ever had.
What? Remember those strippers I got you.
That was awesome of me.
Wait.
You didn't get him-- I-I got him-- you took my car.
Yeah, that's true.
He bought them.
But I was--I made the call.
I'm so old, now.
You know, I thought maybe if I said swag, and jammed hard to mash-ups, and tore sleeves of cool golf shirts that I'd feel young.
But it didn't work.
I mean, I don't even know what swag means.
No one does, really.
I just wanted to sound cool.
You didn't, really.
You kind of sound like a dork.
Ye.
Hey, uh.
I crossed the line back there.
Thought I'd try to make it right, starting with some cake.
No, I'm in a cutting phase right now.
I'd better not.
Unless it's chocolate.
Is that chocolate? Uh, no, it's vanilla.
Yeah, that will work.
Cool.
Thanks.
As for your busted up face Thank you.
Hey, uh-- I'm sorry I knocked you on your ass back there, man.
But you said, "chop.
" I thought you had a knife.
I used to work in a Chinese kitchen, man, I have seen some.
Anyway, moving on.
You're crying 'cause you're 25? But I'm 37.
But you know what I got? I got meaning in my life.
You'll see.
It's radical, dude.
All right.
And it's real.
He's right, you know.
Turning 25 isn't the end.
It's--it's the beginning of something older.
Yeah, it's definitely older.
- Yeah.
- It's for sure, older.
And oh, but you can do a ton of cool stuff that you couldn't do before.
Yeah.
- Like what? - Yeah, like what? You can get off your parent's health insurance.
Well, that will kick you off.
My dad sends me countdown e-mails.
- It's bogus.
- Yeah.
Guys, I think I know what I need to do.
But I can't do it alone.
Now, look.
Whatever you need, I'm here for you.
No, I mean, like, I'm really hammered.
I don't even think I can get out of this ride right now.
Okay sir, you can have a seat.
Thank you.
All right.
Statute 7-b, let the proposed property tax override fund the Ladies and gentlemen! Please put your hands together for the next president of rancho cucamonga, Anders Holmvik.
Hey! Hello.
Greetings, my fellow rancho cucamongans.
My name is Anders Torfin Holmvik.
I'm here to announce today that because I am now it's not old, it's young, I'm therefore eligible to run for city councilman dude And I'm going to do it.
- Yeah.
- All right.
So proud.
Okay.
Not today like, you know, maybe down in like 2016.
I've got a-- some student loans to pay off.
So get that out of the way and then I'm gonna be up in your grills asking for votes, okay? So, consider this a warning.
And here's a slogan: It's, "you can always bet on Ders.
" That's my name.
Excuse me.
This is like a forum we run for city council.
I know, dude.
I'm said, I'm going to run.
We gotta stick.
I'll get him out of office, asap.
Vote or die.
Vote or die.
Vote or die.
Vote or die.
- Please leave.
- Vote or die.
We need you to go.
Vote or die.
Vote or die.
So, I get to see you naked? You're driving the convertible, right? Um.
Come on.
- Officer-- - You know what, Ders? Happy Birthday, bud.
Yeah, I was driving.
What's it to you? I've gotten plenty of duis.
Give me another.
I don't care.
I don't care, copper.
The car's been reported stolen, and you've been driving it drunk? Really? I didn't know that.
I didn't know it was reported.