Wrecked (2016) s02e05 Episode Script

1 Previously on "Wrecked" The Barracuda: You'll come by my tent every night.
What's in it for me? I'm kidding.
Obviously, sex, isn't it? Oh, and I'm pregnant.
And you're the father.
Obviously, there's no way that she's pregnant.
Okay.
What do you need me to do? Just one more big push, Rosa.
- Okay.
- You can do it.
Oh, my! [Gasps.]
It's a baby! Bye.
- Oh, my goodness! - Oh! - We did it! - Oh, my God! - [Laughs.]
- [Laughing.]
Oh! [Sighs.]
You did it.
Okay, you're a good doctor, Dr.
Florence.
No, I'm not.
I'm a bad doctor.
- What? - I'm a naughty doctor.
What are you gonna do about it? - What do I want to do about it? - Yeah.
[Seagulls calling.]
Ahh! Jesus, Karen! The pirates returned our luggage.
Also, you have a boner.
Come on! Well, all my jewelry's gone, but it's not a total bust, because they left me with a single Q-tip.
Oh, God damn it! The cut all the nipples out of my shirts! [Chuckles.]
Hey, I cut the titties out! [Laughs.]
What's up, dawg? I mean, I think that's a good look.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
You think that this is a good look.
Oh, yeah.
You could pull that off.
I'm glad they stole your jewelry.
What is happening over there? Are they flirting? - [Laughs.]
- What the hell Mario? Florence: It's gonna be painful.
Mm-hmm.
Aw, pbht! Check me, I'll figure it out.
Hey! Hey! Are you friends flirting? - What?! - What?! - Flirting - We're not flirting.
- We're talking.
- Oh, my God.
You're flirting! Oh.
Turns out I was flirting.
Oh, what? Yes! [Laughs.]
Babe, they didn't take my Roger by Roger Federer sweatbands.
Suckers were sitting on a gold mine, didn't even know it.
I don't get it.
Why would they give us our stuff back now? - Who cares? - They must be leaving.
Good riddance.
Pirate rule is horse shit.
Todd, these pirates are our last chance to get off the island.
If that boat leaves, we die here.
But I don't want to die here.
I want to die in Scottsdale.
We all do.
That's why we got to get on that boat.
How? We got nothing to offer.
Th-There is one thing.
[Dramatic music plays.]
I don't know.
I really like these sweatbands.
I got to bang one of these pirates.
What?! There is no way I'm gonna let one of these scum sacks anywhere near your smokin'-hot boobies and butt.
Okay, you think I want to do this? - Yeah.
- This is the only way.
In exchange for sex, we ask for two spots on the ship.
It's a classic - reverse indecent proposal.
- Reverse indecent proposal.
- Exactly.
- Hell, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, hell, no.
I just made peace with you and Chet.
I don't think I could handle you boning down with a pirate.
Plus, what makes you think one of these pud-knockers would even go for it? Well, Tank Top's been flirting with me.
What!? Yeah.
He's, like, totally into me.
It's so obvious.
Come on.
All I'm saying is that if we offer, I know he'll say yes.
Except he won't be able to, 'cause I'm gonna murder him by killing him.
- Oh, my God.
Todd, listen to me.
- Do this.
Look.
This is about saving our lives.
And besides, a wiener just a wiener.
- Okay? - Don't cheek-stroke me.
- You know I hate that.
- Listen to me.
I am your babe, and your babe only.
No matter what.
Fine.
But you have to wear like 10 condoms.
That's not how condoms work.
And you have to wrap a shirt around it.
No! Oh, whew! [Romantic music playing.]
I bet your dead husband never gave it to you like that.
[Scoffs.]
He sure didn't.
But it'll do.
So, I've been, uh, I've been thinking a little bit about us.
I have things to do.
Things to do! It's a Monday, isn't it? You know, you act all tough.
But I think inside, you're actually very tender.
I'm not.
Now, if you let me in, I bet old Steve could The Barracuda.
Oh, shit.
Uh, the buyer came through.
Hello, V-Neck.
The buyer's come through? [Whispering.]
Who's the buyer? Can you get out? [Normal voice.]
What about our conversation? - Now! - All right! - Todd: 'Sup, dude? - Jess: Hey.
[Laughs.]
Working hard or hardly working, right? [Laughs.]
Working hard.
- Very cool.
- Mm.
So, it looks like you dawgs are tearin' out of here soon, huh? Yeah, sucks! Feels like we barely got to know each other.
Okay.
What's going on? 'Cause I've got a lot of sorting to do, and I need this interaction to be over.
Well, we were just saying that, you know, it would be so great if we could just go on that boat with you and just, like, really, you know, get to know each other.
Yeah.
Not gonna happen.
Okay.
Well, what if I have sex with you? [Dramatic music plays.]
Reverse indecent proposal.
That's a bold move.
That's a risky move.
What makes you think I'd be interested? [Scoffs.]
Well, I mean, you've been flirting with me - for weeks, so - No, I haven't.
- Oh! Busted! - No.
[Chuckling.]
Oh, my God.
She thinks everyone is flirting with her.
- No, I don't! - Uh, yeah, you do.
My friend Chuck, Tony Touch, Bake Show, Gawler, my boy O-Ring Okay, O-Ring literally proposed to me.
- So, that's - So have I! That literally means nothing! Tank Top: Shh! Keep it hey! Keep your voices down.
So, you know what? I am interested, but I want something different.
I'm talkin' about a reverse reverse indecent proposal.
So, a decent proposal? See, it turns out, um I'm quite bi-curious.
- Oh! - Oh, no.
So yeah, I think I can get you on that boat, but, uh, I'm gonna want to do both of you.
Together.
This dude's crazy.
He's playing mind games with us.
What are you talking about? You've always wanted to have a threesome.
I've always wanted to have a threesome with another girl.
Four boobies, one dong the way God intended.
Read the Bible! Uh, why can't it be two boobs and two dongs, huh? What? The hell kind of math is that? - Are you serious? - Oh, my God.
Todd, are you really not gonna do this? I just I think that we should go back to the OG plan and tell him that it's you and you alone.
10 minutes ago, you didn't want me to do that at all! Babe, it's like you said a wiener's a wiener.
Oh, my God.
And a butt's a butt.
So you man up, and you [bleep.]
that pirate with me.
Jess, come on.
Hey! This reverse reverse indecent proposal is tearing us apart! [Chuckles.]
So weird how everyone was teasing us about that we were flirting.
It's like, "What?" - What? [Laughs.]
- Right? We're all stuck on this island together.
It's not like we're gonna start hooking up and, like, in the bushes, just going down on each other.
[Chuckles.]
That's exactly what why I thought it was so funny.
- It's insane.
- Steve: Florence! Can I have a word with you, just the two of us? Yeah, just just you and I? Um Okay.
Well, uh, hypothetically, if you were in a relationship with someone - Hmm.
- and you wanted - to take it to the next level - Oh.
what would you do? How well do you know each other? Well, let's just say we're having sex.
[Chuckles.]
You really expect us to believe that someone on this island who has met you is having sex with you? Yes, Owen, because it's true! [Laughs.]
I can't hold it in! We're doing it! - Doggy-style - All right.
- Oh! - wheelbarrow, upside-down, how's your father Mm.
Oh, wow.
so sexually, it's, uh, pretty good.
Oh, it sounds like it.
I just need some advice on the emotional front.
Okay.
Steve, whoever this is or isn't - Oh, it is.
- Sure.
She probably just wants you to tell her how you feel so she can know if the vibe is real.
What is that? Is that, like, a song lyric? No, Steve.
Okay? Just, I don't know, take her on a date.
Oh, a date.
Of course.
- Yeah.
- Like a picnic.
Sure, yeah.
That's cute.
Thank you, Florence.
And Owen, a bit rude standing there, just listening to our conversation.
- Oh, I apologize.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
- A bit rude.
[Groans.]
Stupid Todd with his stupid penis! I mean, why can't he just have a threesome? What is the worst that could happen? [Jam music plays.]
Whoa! Hell, yeah.
Some ponging.
That thing that's hilarious.
Yeah, I thought we could chill a little bit before we get to humping.
Brews in the fridge, you guys.
Help yourselves.
Sick.
Lovin' the jam-band tunes.
Wait, are those Roger by Roger Federer sweatbands? Of course.
I don't hit the links without 'em.
- You play golf? - You bet.
I'm still working on my scratch game.
I'm a - Eight handicap.
- Eight handicap.
[Chris De Burgh's "Lady in Red" plays.]
What are we doing? Ooh Jess, you can go.
I'm gay now.
What? I don't love you.
I've never seen you looking so lovely - I love you.
- As you did tonight I know this is quick, but will you gay marry me? You gay bet I will.
I've never seen so many men asking if you wanted to dance [Screams.]
Oh, God.
We can't do it.
He'll fall in love.
[Gasps.]
The hell's her problem? I got to bang some dude? [Grunts, groans.]
Why can't she just do it solo? [Chris De Burgh's "Lady in Red" plays.]
Wow.
[Sighs.]
- This is so - Romantic? Ooh You deserve it.
Ooh See anything you like? - No.
- I've never What? That's tiny.
Todd has a way bigger dong.
What if I just go down on you for like a few hours? Eh, no way.
Hate that stuff.
Well, your boyfriend already turned me down, and if you don't have sex with me, I'll kill both of you.
I don't care.
I want Todd and Todd only.
Even if it kills us.
Aah! I am furious! I will kill everyone! [Gasps.]
Oh, God.
I've got to be there.
She loves me too much.
Jess: Todd! Todd! Jess! Todd! [Grunts.]
You were right.
We can't have a threesome.
No, you were right.
We have to have a threesome.
I let you go in there alone, you'll get us both killed.
- Wait, what? - Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Let's go bang a pirate.
Where are you taking me? I thought you said there was an emergency.
It's a picnic emergency.
I don't have time for this right now, Steve.
I'm very busy.
Five minutes.
Maybe seven.
[Sighs.]
Okay.
So, unfortunately, I don't have any real picnic food because we're stuck on a deserted island.
So you wrote the word "cheese" on a rock? - Fancy some wine? - [Laughs.]
All right.
Let's do this.
Take your pants off.
Uh, actually, um, I brought you here because I want us to talk.
Um, get to know each other.
I'll go first.
So, something you don't know about me is I used to be married.
Okay? And my ex she cheated on me.
She used me.
And I swore I would never let it happen again, no matter how pipin' hot the sex was.
You don't want to have sex anymore.
[Stammers.]
No, no! That's not it! Please.
I'm just trying to get you to let me in.
I know that deep down, underneath that cool, tough pirate-girl image, you're a nice person.
[Scoffs.]
You don't give up, do you, Steve? The Barracuda! Aah, V-Neck! Have you heard of knocking? Where am I supposed to knock, Steve? What is it? The deal's ready to be finalized.
I have to go.
Thanks for the cheese.
Hey.
We We talked over your offer, and we'll do it.
Well, all right.
But we're gonna need to make some rules.
Rule number one You're not allowed to fall in love with each other! - What? - What? Why would that even be a rule? It is a rule! You both have to agree to it, or no deal.
- All right.
- Yeah, of course.
Okay.
Actual rule number one I hump you, you don't hump me.
Wow.
That's interesting.
You're sure you don't even want to try it just a little bit? We'll play it by ear.
Final rule! I pick the music, strictly jam bands.
No! No jam bands! No harmonicas, no improvising, no solos.
- Oh, this is not the girl who was like - One guitar - "Take me to Widespread" - noodling thingie - again and again and again and - whatever that is.
- [Indistinct shouting.]
- Whoa, whoa whoa! God, you guys fight a lot, huh? - No.
- Yes.
So, you down to clown or what? [Chuckles.]
Does it look like I'm down to clown? - Oh, wow.
- That's miming.
No, that's not clowning.
That's real bad miming.
- [Gasps.]
- My God.
- That's - Oh, God.
- Oh, no.
- Wow.
- God bless! - Oh, man! S-So, how should we how should we start? You in her, and them me in her, and then we touch butts? Or you want more of a sandwich sitch? Shh.
Or Show me how you normally start when you're alone.
- Oh, we got this act down.
- Oh.
Yeah.
Quick and dirty.
Jess, hop to it.
- [Groans.]
- [Spitting.]
Tank Top: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey hey! Stop.
What, are you spitting? Jesus, man! What's happening? What? You told us to start slammin'.
No, no, no.
We're not gonna be slammin' anything.
We will be making love, and love is about coming together.
[Both laugh.]
That's impossible.
No, I mean becoming one.
You two need to start listening to each other's bodies.
I mean really hear each other, do you know what I mean? I honestly have no idea what you're talking about.
Okay.
Face each other.
Todd, look at Jess.
Nope, in the eyes.
In the eyes? Why would I Whoa.
Wow.
What is happening to us? I'm getting all goose-pimply.
[Chuckles.]
Now, Jess, I'm guessing that little plank-board situation from before isn't exactly how you like to get down.
So why don't you tell Todd exactly what you want him to do to you? Like, with words, or? Yeah, with words.
That's yes.
Kiss my neck.
Your neck? I mean, okay.
[Moans.]
What's that sound? Am I hurting you? No! No, I-I-I liked it.
Yeah.
Now we're getting going.
[Laughs.]
Now it's Tank Top Time.
Man: All right.
So, he says he'll give you $200,000 a pop and he'll take everyone under 50, so that leaves 29 islanders.
The Barracuda: Tell him I said $250,000, and I want them gone tomorrow.
What about everybody else? Kill them.
Aah! Caught this one outside, eavesdropping.
- You want me to kill him? - Steve: Please, no! I didn't hear anything.
I've actually got an ear infection, so - I'm just - The Barracuda: No.
I've decided Steve will be coming with us.
- Wow! - [Gasps.]
I never felt so close to you.
I never felt so close to you.
Tank Top: Whoo! Oh! Tell me about it, huh? - Yeah.
- [Sighs.]
Whoo! [Laughs.]
- Man, I feel loose! - Yeah.
I'll tell you what.
Your timing couldn't have been any better.
Yeah, I feel like we really got into a nice rhythm there, you know? No, no.
I mean The Barracuda.
She's about to round up all your friends and cut out their organs, sell 'em on the black market.
[Scoffs.]
Come again? Kidneys! Yeah, those things sell, man.
I tell you what, you guys are precious capital.
You'll have to kill everyone.
Yeah, but you know what? You guys don't worry, 'cause you're good.
You're gonna be on that boat with me.
And every day is gonna be Tank Top Time.
[Laughs.]
Whoo! [Laughs.]
Tank Top Time! Todd.
Todd, we have to tell everyone! Okay, yeah, that's great, but let's just think this through.
Think what through? They're gonna kill everyone! I know.
I know, all right? But if we tell everyone what's going on, we'll lose our place on the ship.
That means we just had a threesome with a pirate named Tank Top for nothing! He was putting his fingers in me, - unless that was you.
- Okay, shh.
Todd, look at me.
Look at me.
Even if we die, what we just did in there was not for nothing.
It was for us.
[Both chuckle.]
I love you so much.
I love you.
Now, let's go tell our friends they're about to get murdered.
Okay, but we should wash our hands first.
Hurry up.
Man: So I broke these two fingers punching him right in the chin, and that's how I got thrown off the set of "La Bamba.
" There you are! I've been looking for you everywhere.
Okay, hi.
I was hanging out with Florence.
I see.
Is there anything you'd like to say to me? No.
Okay.
Um, fine.
Uh, I think, you know, that we might kind of be into each other, but, uh, I'm not really sure 'cause we haven't even really talked about it.
Okay, dude.
Do not do this, all right? First you're gonna hook up, then you're gonna break up, and then you're gonna be stuck together here on the island.
Well that's what she said.
I don't get it.
Get what? "That's what she said"? How's that a "That's what she said"? No, that's literally what she said.
Okay, I don't think you understand how the joke works.
No, I'm not doing the joke.
I'm telling you what she told me.
That's what she said.
Yeah, but usually, you have to do it in, like, a reference to a sexual thing, - like, "That's what she said.
" - I understand.
- I understand the joke.
- Todd: Guys! Guys! - They're gonna kill us! - The pirates they're gonna kill us! Todd: We got to get our shit! We got to get our shit, we got to get out of here! Whoa whoa whoa, wait! Slow down.
What is happening? The pirates they're gonna harvest our organs and sell them.
- Man: Sure they are.
- What? Wait, how did you guys find this out? Because we just had Never mind! It's not important.
Guys! Guys! The pirates they're gonna kill us! We know, Steve.
Todd and Jess just told us.
- [Sobbing.]
- Oh.
[Sobbing continues.]
Steve, man.
If it means that much to you, you can come back in.
We'll pretend we didn't know.
It's not that! I thought The Barracuda was a good person.
I've been sleeping with a monster! [Gasps.]
What? - The Barracuda? - What? I couldn't say anything! She was gonna kill me! Steve this Steve has been banging The Barracuda! How?! He's lying.
Is he lying? He's lying.
- Yeah, he's got to be lying.
- Karen: Hey! There are more important issues at hand here! Like the fact that our kidneys are about to be ripped out of our asses! Guys, what are we gonna do? I'll tell you what we're gonna do.
We're all gonna die! [Screaming.]