YOU (2018) s02e05 Episode Script
Have a Good Wellkend, Joe!
- [FORTY SIGHS.]
- [CAR DOOR SLAMS.]
I cannot believe there are no charging stations.
Fucking Arizona.
Well, we could call a tow, but, uh, you know, what the fuck, it's gonna take way too long.
Let's just take the PJ.
I know jets are wasteful, but I don't want you driving through the night, and my mom really hates it when people are late.
God, I cannot wait for you to meet her.
- What time is Love getting there? - Who knows? She's on her new boyfriend's dick like herpes.
Don't get me wrong, I love the guy, but Will, right? She's bringing him? Yep.
[CANDACE.]
Move, Joe.
Wait, stop! Stop! Stop, Candace.
I love you.
Just let me go.
Tell me you don't love me.
I don't! I don't love you.
I never have.
What are you gonna do about it, Joe? Don't do this! Stop! Looks like it's gonna be a proper meet-the-parents Wellkend.
Oh! [CLEARS THROAT.]
Hi.
Yeah.
Forty Quinn here.
Yes, like the number, but spelled out.
F-O [OPENING SONG PLAYING.]
[EGG TIMER TICKING.]
[JOE.]
I now truly understand the term "love of my life".
My life makes sense now with you in it.
Complete.
Not closed.
More open to the world and everything beautiful than ever before.
Nothing to hide.
You've asked me to meet the parents.
Might be messy, family can be.
But whatever comes, we'll get through it, together.
[TIMER DINGS.]
[GROANS.]
I don't wanna.
Can your parents really be that bad? Worse.
They can be worse.
Okay, remember, they charm so that they can manipulate.
My mom is a lot.
Just give in to her crazy.
And my dad is impenetrable.
Just don't take it personally.
Try not to.
I still do.
Is there anything I can do to support you? We could have a signal.
Like What is that? Are Are you Spider-Man? [CHUCKLES.]
No, no.
Um, it's it's, uh ASL for "I love you".
In, like, a friendly you know, like, platonic way.
[JOE.]
I love you.
In the non-friendly way, but I'm waiting to say it.
Why rush when we have the rest of our lives? [LOVE.]
Hmm! My dad's gonna like that shirt.
[JOE.]
I know.
I do my research.
America's surrogate dream parents, Ray and Dottie Quinn.
Ray is a Pasadena golden boy who comes from old-school money.
Dottie is the spark plug that gives him life.
They met in the naked hot tubs at Esalen, eloped shortly thereafter.
Joan Baez is rumored to have officiated.
Dottie opened Anavrin with Ray's family cash.
What started as a pet project has evolved into a global brand largely due to Dottie, all centered on the Quinn family motto, "Transparency and realness".
This weekend is Ray and Dottie's 30th anniversary, and they're making up for their quickie wedding with a wellness bacchanal.
Ray and Dottie's vow renewal will be the culmination of packed community say it with me now "Wellkend".
Shoot me in the face.
But whatever you need, Love.
These people may pretend to be real, but you and I really are.
[PHONE RINGS.]
- [JOE.]
Speaking of messy family - Hey.
Did you know Ja Rule and Ashanti never banged? Okay.
And? I don't know, it just kind of ruins it for me knowing their love was never real.
Can you check out? It fucks up inventory when you steal.
- Is that kombucha? - Stop being so codependent, okay? 'Buch has about as much alcohol in it as fresh-pressed juice, and I want to pour one out for Henderson.
Because it was our thing.
[FORTY.]
Did you hear they're saying it was a suicide now? Too good for this world.
[JOE.]
Another melancholy clown dies by his own hand, and his adoring fans and acquaintances grieve deeply for, oh, about the next one to two news cycles.
Are you making it to meetings? I'm in such a positive place right now and AA is a breeding ground of negativity.
Speaking of circle jerks, you still coming to Mom and Dad's Wank-end? Yes, of course.
Forty, just promise me that you won't do anything Gotta go.
Amy's in the whip.
[PHONE BEEPS.]
Is everything okay? Yeah.
No.
[SIGHS.]
Forty's gonna go off the rails again.
I can tell.
It's gonna be bad.
You like the girl he just met, right? Sure.
We went to the movies.
We didn't even talk.
What can I say? He's on pattern.
Meets a girl, each a new impossible-to-predict type of bad for him, and then he tries to get our parents to like her, then he flings himself off a cliff when they don't.
[JOE.]
Leaving you to clean the splatter.
I can neutralize.
I can distract.
I'm good with parents.
We got this.
[ELLIE.]
Sure, I could tell you were my sister is, but what is this about? [MAN.]
It's about Joshua Bunter.
- You might know him as - [JOE.]
Henderson.
Clearly, I need to be in two places at once, with you and near Ellie.
Just crossing the T's here.
We know from Henderson's IMs he was planning on seeing your sister that night.
Yeah, I don't read the news.
It's, like, so depressing, but I I thought he offed himself.
[JOE.]
Delilah's smarter than these guys.
[DETECTIVE.]
Yeah, well, it seems that way.
[JOE.]
And I've got parental tech to keep an eye on Ellie and the fallout from Hendy's tragic suicide.
Well, Ellie's not home right now, but I can call you when she is if you want, or, like Oh, no.
I have to go into work.
I'm sorry.
Bye.
Were you at Henderson's the night he died, Ellie? What are these? - What do you think they are? - Don't evade with a question.
- You evaded with a question first! - Jesus! Half the time you treat me like an adult, but, wait, suddenly, I'm a kid because you can't get it together to be an adult? You really wanna know? Those are Henderson's.
No, they're not.
They're random.
They're He's not even in 'em.
They're just I know because he did it to me.
I don't believe you.
- Where's your photo then? - You don't believe me? You need proof? Listen, don't get mad at me because he was a bad guy and you fell for it.
He was my friend! He wasn't your friend, Ellie! Let me guess.
He made you promise not to tell anyone you were hanging out alone together? Basic predator move.
You are a lot of things but you're not stupid.
[ELLIE SOBS.]
[NEW AGE MUSIC PLAYING.]
[LUCY AND SUNRISE CHUCKLING.]
[LUCY.]
Ah, ooh, ooh! Hi.
- Hello.
- Hi, babe.
[LOVE.]
Oh, my God, I'm so glad you guys are here.
Oh, my God.
[BOTH MOANING.]
- How are you? - I'm good.
Yeah, this is great.
[JOE.]
Well, thankfully, teenagers text emotional gibberish, so I know Ellie's okay.
All right, put the phone away.
Welcome to the Hellmouth.
[CHUCKLES.]
[JOE.]
And I'm in a Wes Anderson movie set in a weirdly Caucasian ashram.
- Hey, Dad.
- Lovey, hey.
Hey.
This is Will Bettelheim.
Oh.
You related to Bruno? [JOE.]
Ray's a not-so-secret fantasy fan.
He's referring to Bruno Bettelheim, author of The Uses of Enchantment is a classic.
No relation, I'm just a fan.
It's good to meet you, Mr.
Quinn.
Call me Ray.
[WOMAN.]
Will? Finally we meet.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh! You are delicious.
The pleasure is all mine, Dottie.
Come here, darling.
You look beautiful.
- Hey, Mom.
- I'm sorry, I'm all over the place.
- Let's get you a drink.
- Okay.
Sounds good.
[FORTY AND WILL GRUNT.]
- Forty.
- Sport! Hi, Love.
Where'd she go? There she is.
You gotta meet my girl, Amy.
Amy, come here.
[SONG IN SLOW MOTION.]
Hi there.
[CHUCKLES.]
Will Bettelheim, Amy Adam.
Nice to meet you.
[JOE.]
It can't be.
Am I hallucinating? This is her hand, this is real.
Candace is here.
Will Bettelheim What a great name.
Almost sounds made up.
[JOE.]
Is she trying to spar with me? That's funny, I was just thinking, "Amy Adam".
How totally un-google-able.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
[JOE.]
This is a game to her.
She's enjoying this.
I'm so happy to see you again.
[JOE.]
She's crazy, Love.
I'm also so hungry I could eat my own hand, so let's - Oh, no, don't worry.
Just eat mine.
- Oh! [LAUGHS.]
[JOE.]
Like the kids say, "Fuck my life".
[CANDACE WHIMPERING.]
[CAR ENGINE STOPS.]
Oh, good, you're awake.
- [CANDACE SOBS.]
- Shh-sh-sh-sh.
It's okay, you are totally safe.
I have a surprise for you.
[CANDACE WHIMPERING.]
Can you promise to be calm? Okay, good.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean what I said.
I'm an idiot.
Okay, I'm stupid.
Let's just go home.
You're just saying that because you think it's what I wanna hear.
No, I'm saying that because I'm tied up in the back of a van.
I had to so we could get here to talk.
I am so sorry.
- But it's all gonna be worth it.
- Where are we? Lake Mahopac.
You remember that amazing picnic we had? I brought all your faves again.
No, just, okay I know I know you don't want to hurt me.
- I would never hurt you.
- Just untie me.
Untie me.
I can't do that yet, you know I can't.
Just hang on.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Thanks.
Thank you.
Candace! [SHRIEKS.]
[CANDACE GRUNTING.]
Listen, you don't understand.
Don't do this! Stop! Please, don't do this! Shh! Sh-sh-sh-sh! Stop - [THUDS.]
- Stop! [JOE.]
How? How did she manage this? So tell, tell! How you two met.
We're dying to hear.
- [RAY.]
Yeah, tell us.
- [FORTY.]
Well, we were at - [CANDACE.]
South By.
- Yeah, and - Amy was giving me stalker eyes.
- I was interested, but so was he.
- So she reached for the queso.
- Oh, the queso! - And, um, it felt like - It was fate.
Inseparable ever since.
[JOE.]
Enjoy it while it lasts.
[FORTY.]
Yeah, we actually road-tripped back from Austin.
Got to know each other a little bit better.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- And what are you doing? - Amy is an indie film producer.
- [JOE.]
Oh, come on.
[FORTY.]
Yeah, we're actually already in soft prep for a film we're trying to get going.
[DOTTIE.]
Honey? [FORTY SIGHS.]
He could pretend to care, like, if he wanted to.
[CHUCKLING.]
Wow, these waiters are so slow! Oh, you want a drink? I'll I'll grab you a drink, bunny.
Yeah, could I get a 'buch, please? - Virgin, obviously.
- [CHUCKLING.]
Yes.
[FORTY.]
Appreciate you.
- [BARTENDER.]
Here you go.
- Thanks.
What are you doing here? I told you I'd show up to give you what you deserve.
So here we are.
Merry Christmas.
[JOE.]
How do I get this time bomb away from you, Love? - Want to know how I found you? - I would love to hear.
[SCOFFS.]
[CANDACE.]
So, I was feeling like shit one fine afternoon, when I saw this clickbait about how the stars live.
I mean, who doesn't need a little escapism? So I clicked and there was this link about how all the cool kids go to Henderson's house, and although I wasn't familiar with his work, I was curious about this random douchebag high as balls on his coffee table, which is when I first set eyes on my new dreamy beau.
[SCOFFS.]
[JOE.]
Of course, your brother destroyed my life, our life.
And he's such an idiot.
And I keep watching and No.
Couldn't be.
Could not be.
[JOE.]
I was trying to help you, Love.
Altruism is dangerous.
Shocked you'd choose LA.
But I found you.
Great.
What's the move? You gonna tell them this dramatic tale? I mean, it is their special weekend, so I'll wait if and when I have to, But in the meantime, I am going to protect them from you, bunny.
[SCOFFS.]
Especially your gorgeous girl.
Lucky man, Will.
[CHUCKLES.]
- I missed you, babe.
- Aw! [LOVE.]
Yeah, we can, uh, situate ourselves for dinner.
The fuck? I didn't know you bite your nails.
I don't.
Not since I was a kid.
Well, what, is meeting my parents making you nervous? 'Cause I don't care what they think.
And now I have to do this vow renewal.
I cannot believe I have to call my parents "lovers".
Then don't.
- Do you.
- No, I can't.
My mom gave me a script.
I mean, she said, "Make it your own", but I'm pretty sure that means, "Don't change anything".
Do you want some space to work? I can go to Forty's yurt.
Yeah, actually.
I mean, if you don't mind.
No.
The kombucha thing is not a good sign.
I just - I know, I get it.
- Okay.
Don't get lost out there.
[JOE.]
I will help you, helicopter sibling.
I need to keep eyes on Candace so I can protect you from her, but lest I accidentally stumble into Jeff Bezos's lodge, I need the blessed yurt map.
Will? Everything okay? It's perfect.
Thank you.
I just, you know, wanted to check out the Truth Yurt.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I was also looking for - Care to partake? - I don't really - I insist you be here now.
Okay.
[JOE CHUCKLES.]
[JOE.]
It's fine.
I won't inhale.
Now inhale.
[INHALES.]
[JOE COUGHS.]
So, fresh in from New York, huh? - Yeah.
- [DOTTIE CHUCKLES.]
I remember being in New York when I was a kid.
Ah, to be young.
Oh, you're still young.
Tell that to my vagina.
No one warns you.
You wake up one day drier than the Sahara.
If it weren't for this wonder lube we've developed, I don't know what I'd do.
It's already so difficult to reach orgasm at this age.
[JOE.]
Is this really happening? Anyways, it seems like you understand, Will.
What a chin.
[JOE.]
She's not flirting, she's testing me.
I'm drugged.
She hopes it's truth serum.
I think your daughter is the most amazing woman I've ever met.
I like you for Love.
[JOE.]
Between the obstacle course that is Dottie, and the more fundamental issue, that every millisecond of this Wellkend is scheduled, how do I get Candace alone? How do I do this, Love? How do I get her away from you? [MAN.]
Let the wolf awakenyour unconscious.
Meet your id.
[JOE GROANS QUIETLY.]
Hey.
[WOLF SNARLS.]
[SHRIEKS.]
[CANDACE LAUGHING.]
[GROUP MURMURING.]
[JOE.]
On the plus side, she's striking out with the Quinns.
Schadenfreude is karmic suicide.
[FORTY CLEANS THROAT.]
Dad, do you actually Do you have a minute? Not now, son, I've got doubles with Bozzi from the Palm.
Right.
Sorry, Bozz.
- [CHUCKLING.]
- Let's go, Bozz.
Shit.
It's okay.
Forty always you know, tries to impress our parents with these girls.
Can you just help? [SIGHS.]
[SNIFFLES.]
[NEWS ANCHOR.]
Ali Wong's in studio to talk about Henderson, or as she knew him, Josh.
[FORTY CLEANS THROAT.]
I will make a film that premieres Sundance 2020 at the Eccles.
Friday night slot.
Then goes on to sweep the Gothams, winning two, no, three Indie Spirit awards.
Fuck the Oscars.
I hear and accept you, Forty.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Is this gonna work? 'Cause my car is really old.
Yeah, that shiny, new Prius is all yours.
All you need is a group hug and 35K.
I will find the perfect partner.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's good.
[DOTTIE.]
We hear and accept you, Gabe.
I will fulfill my life-long dream of traveling to Italy.
[CHUCKLES.]
[JOE.]
Italy? Seriously? She is obsessed with me.
Okay, come on, somebody needs to help her.
Go.
- [SUNRISE.]
I accept you.
- [WOMAN.]
I accept you.
I hear and I accept you Amy.
[HEART THUMPING.]
[STAMMERING.]
You sorry um [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
I'm not feeling well.
- I I think I'm just dehydrated.
- [WOMAN.]
It's okay.
Don't fear love.
Hug.
[CANDACE YOWLS.]
I'm I'm sorry, I I just need to lie down.
Don't try anything.
I am texting someone on the outside every hour.
You hurt me or the Quinns, I reveal your identity to everyone, and everything to get turned over to the authorities.
Are you crazy? I'm just trying to talk to you.
Oh, you mean like the time you left me for fucking dead?! [JOE.]
She can't hold a knife.
One swift move and No, no, she's wrong, I don't hurt people, especially women, especially when they're out of their minds.
No, that is not me.
Candace, can we - please just have a truce? - Stay away from me.
I think this is just some big misunderstanding.
Stop gaslighting me! [CANDACE GRUNTS, PANTS.]
You don't want to protect them.
You want to hurt me.
Go ahead.
Do it.
I can't.
[JOE.]
It's a lot harder than it looks.
What are you guys doing in here? [CHUCKLES.]
Hey.
Is everything all right? Yeah, um [CLEARS THROAT.]
Allergies.
Will snuck me some Claritin.
Thanks, man.
No problem.
[FORTY.]
Let's go.
Time to get pretty.
[WILL.]
Ooh.
[WHISPERING.]
All right.
All right, well So, I brought two, and you can pick whichever one.
Oh, I'm I'm fine with either.
Amy, are you okay? Look, I know my mom can be a handful.
And I know my dad can also be a handful.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thanks.
It's it's not really that, it's more You can tell me anything.
I am a vault.
I don't want to sound crazy.
Well you won't and you aren't.
Something bad happened to me out in a place like this.
Just, I I got lost with a guy who I kind of thought was bad news.
It it turned out fine, though.
Well, that's good.
Yeah, I mean, you're probably being triggered.
Trauma lives in the body, so, you know, you can't control it, but At the risk of sounding like my mom, maybe Shaman Open can help.
It's it's really no big deal.
You and your family have been so welcoming.
- Oh - And also cool.
[CHUCKLING.]
I'm glad you think so.
[CHUCKLES.]
So tell me, how did you and Will meet? You two seem so great together.
Oh.
Um work.
I basically forced him to date me.
Ooh, does that get complicated? - Working with someone you're dating? - Not really.
Does it get complicated with you and Forty? Oh, no, we're great.
We're we're good.
He We're actually hiring.
Cinematographers.
Already? Isn't that a bit early? No, just just establishing like, tone.
Yeah, where do you work? Have you met my friend Lucy? She works at United.
- Oh, I'm independent.
- Mm-hmm.
And I usually just fly Southwest.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
I meant the agency.
- United Talent? - Oh, right.
Um No, no.
I don't think I've met her.
[CHUCKLING.]
No, it's It's an easy mistake.
[CANDACE CHUCKLES.]
Dad.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Finally.
Um did you get my email? It's not every man that can pull off linen.
Can you say hi to me at least? Forty, I don't want to hear it.
Okay, okay.
Uh, look, I know, but Amy actually has a really incredible idea Amy.
[CHUCKLES.]
Ugh, another walking visible panty line.
Let me guess.
She wants to open a vegan junk food restaurant, like Krystal-with-a-K? [FORTY CHUCKLES.]
Will, [SMACKS LIPS.]
ask him how much he wants.
[JOE.]
In times of triangulation, it's best to stay awkwardly quiet.
Did Forty tell you how he doodled on his SAT Scantron? I had to donate a building to Dartmouth to get him in.
Okay, Dad you know that I've struggled with drug addiction on and off, my [CHUCKLING.]
It's not eczema, Forty.
Addiction's not an on-and-off thing, and it's no excuse for being a bum.
One hundred K, this is the last time I ask.
Will Will has heard the pitch.
Yeah, I have.
I think it's a great idea.
Your son shows real promise.
Well, if my son wasn't such a big flapping pussy, he wouldn't need other people to carry his water for him.
[RAY.]
I'm not writing you another check.
Get a job.
And a life.
- Well - [PHONE CHIMES.]
That is my Postmates.
Yo quiero Taco Bell.
Forty.
Forty, are Are you okay? Yeah.
He's a douche, and I am so done - with all of this vegan bullshit.
- [PHONE BUZZES.]
You should come with.
Uh, you can service my sister post-chalupa.
What does the future hold? [LOVE CHUCKLES.]
Okay.
Um, what were you and Amy talking about earlier? Oh, why? Did something seem No, no.
I just I caught her in a lie.
And, uh now I'm worried.
[JOE.]
I knew we were on the same page.
I agree, she's - she's the worst.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Get rid of her now.
[CHUCKLING.]
Wait, what? No, that's aggressive.
And, plus, it would upset Forty.
I mean, what is going on with you? [JOE.]
Wrong page.
I know we're not in the Truth Yurt, but we can still be honest with each other, right? You've been off.
You feel weird, ever since we got here.
[JOE.]
I want to tell you everything.
And I will, soon, but for now You want to know why I'm weird? 'Cause your family is insane.
I warned you.
You warned me? Your mom can't stop telling me about her vagina.
She did what? And your dad, I just stepped in it with him trying to help Forty, which you asked me to do, and then he made me eat a chalupa, and now I'm sick.
Wait.
- Forty ordered Taco Bell? - Yeah.
What What? What's happening? Well, I have to go.
Forty always orders Taco Bell before he relapses.
You are so obsessed with your brother.
This is not normal.
Just to recap, you now have a problem with my mom, my dad, Forty, me, - this chick Amy for some reason - You don't like her either.
I'm I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I am trying to be the perfect boyfriend.
- I want to be so badly, - [SCOFFS.]
but you fed me to the wolves, literally.
[STAMMERS.]
Thanks for making a stressful weekend so much worse by starting this fight.
[JOE.]
Our first fight.
I blame Candace.
It's time for her to go.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Um, no, I I I look like cat shit right now.
I'm on my period.
Okay, who gives a fuck.
Just let me in.
Jesus, what kind of assholes have you dated that care about that kind of stuff? Why are you here? Uh, [SIGHS.]
I need those pictures back.
Um why? I think you look great for the record.
Yeah, uh, they're trying to get a full picture of what Henderson was into.
I told them that I got a lead on someone who has some knowledge of some young girls that we could follow up with.
D, they want to know why he did it.
Okay.
What's wrong? I left them right here.
I [WOMAN.]
Hi.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Have you guys seen my brother? No, not since cornhole.
Are we literally drinking the Kool-Aid right now? [CHUCKLES.]
Goodbye, cruel world.
- [SUNRISE AND LUCY CHUCKLE.]
- [GLASSES CLINK.]
[JOE.]
Candace must go, but first things first.
Time to apologize.
You're more important than my pride.
Love, I'm sorry.
I cannot be the one that makes you feel better right now.
I am looking for my brother and trying to handle my mother and Okay, I'll help.
I'll find Forty.
Okay.
Thank you.
[PHONE BUZZES.]
- Delilah, hey.
- Hey.
Any chance you're with Ellie? [JOE.]
That's what I get for not parent-spying on her for an hour.
No, but I I have some texts from her.
Hang on.
Okay, uh, the the Alex Theater is doing a Chandler thing.
- You could try that, but I gotta go.
- Okay, thanks.
[PEOPLE GIGGLING.]
[COUGHING.]
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
[JOE.]
Fucking crackheads.
[LOVE CHUCKLES.]
Um My parents aren't just parents, they're lovers.
They're, um I hate rom-coms.
- I do.
Take away my ovaries.
- [GUESTS CHUCKLING.]
Want to know why? Because throughout my life, when I look at my parents, their love doesn't feel like one.
You know, it's, um fighting over which toilet paper to buy.
And then plunging the toilet together when it gets clogged.
- [GUESTS LAUGH.]
- It's being there when someone's damage makes them impossible.
Knowing that they are so much more than their worst moments.
[JOE.]
You're not talking about them.
Contrary to internet opinion, my parents' love is not perfect.
[JOE.]
You're talking about us.
It's, uh It's sticky, messy, often potentially way too much to handle.
[ALL CHUCKLE.]
But it is so much better than perfect, because it's real.
Wait.
Wait, I want to go.
Forty No, I want to go.
I want to go.
Um [CLEARS THROAT.]
- Forty? - [FORTY.]
Um, remember when they, uh, they dragged us to the Hoffman Institute because, uh, they had differing definitions of the word "monogamish"? - [GUESTS CHUCKLING.]
- That was real.
- I have more.
I just, uh - Enough, son.
I I just need a smoke.
Just need a smoke.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, um, not that one.
No, it's fine.
It's it's okay.
Got it.
It's okay.
- [LOVE.]
It's okay.
- Oh! It's fine.
Everything's You look lovely, Mom.
Let's go.
It's okay.
Shh.
- I don't feel good.
- [LOVE.]
Yeah.
[RAY.]
I do.
[APPLAUSE.]
Let's party! [GUESTS CHEERING.]
[LOVE.]
Hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
- How are you guys doing? - You've done enough.
All you ever have to do is keep your brother safe.
You failed.
You disgust me.
You're a fucking hypocrite.
[LOUD SLAP.]
[JOE.]
Earth mommy dearest.
Oh, Love.
It's okay, it's okay.
It's okay.
- It's okay.
- [SCOFFS.]
[DOTTIE.]
It's okay.
[JOE.]
I saw what your mom did.
Are you okay? My dad hit me a lot.
Why couldn't you tell me? Probably same reason you couldn't tell me.
I couldn't tell you because I wanted us to stay us.
[SIGHS.]
I didn't want it to be polluted by all this fucking I guess my life has been dark.
Well, who you really are the dark, that's not a burden.
You don't have to push that away from me.
I want to know you.
I want to know you.
You know, the more I get to know you, the nicer it is.
I don't just mean the cute parts.
As far as I'm concerned we will stay us no matter what.
Yeah, I feel like I've been, um I've been acting weird, and I feel like it's because there's all these things that I felt like I couldn't tell you, but, like, fuck that.
[SIGHS.]
Okay, um You remember the, um the Nilla Wafers, the au pair? Of course.
My parents started Anavrin when we were, like, 13.
And they hired this woman, Sofia.
She was, like, 19.
She was from Spain.
The way Forty tells it she was his first love.
To this day, he does not acknowledge that it was was abuse.
And eventually my parents caught them together, and so much shit ensued.
And they let her go.
And she was troubled.
She killed herself.
Forty's the one who found the body.
[GROANS.]
Yeah, and nothing has ever really been the same.
My parents kept everything quiet with money.
[SIGHING.]
Yeah.
I get that Forty is a lot.
I know.
And I know that I take care of him too much.
But you've met my parents now, so you know why.
I'm stuck with him.
No.
We are.
[EXHALES HEAVILY.]
[JOE.]
I don't think I've ever been in love before.
- It's been infatuation.
- [GROANS.]
This is it.
Accepting you're not perfect and loving you more for it.
What the fuck? [LOVE LAUGHS.]
[IMITATES A SNARL.]
I'm sorry, did that trigger you? Can I tell you I love you yet? Whenever you're ready.
In the meantime, let me say I love you Love.
Ugh, it's a complicated word.
Oh, yeah.
Is there another word we can use? Our word? Um I wolf you.
I wolf you too.
I like it.
It's like you're part of my pack.
I am your pack.
[BREATHING LOUDLY.]
[LOVE CHUCKLES.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- Hey! - Klepto.
The police came for these.
- The actual police or your fuckboy? - Why would you take these? [STAMMERS.]
I couldn't believe he would do this.
But I do now.
I'm sorry I was being such an asshole.
It's okay.
I think we should burn those.
If these photos were ever leaked every time someone googled the girls, it would just What would you want done with yours? Hey, just so you know nothing could ever make me see you different.
[COP.]
Tell me again what happened.
Um, my boyfriend ex We fought.
And he He took me to the woods.
Um I don't remember what happened next.
I just I I woke up.
Like buried.
We sent a car out.
No tire marks.
No, he dug a grave.
A lot of tree removal in that area, right? Loose dirt.
No one saw anything? You happen to take any pictures or save any texts between you? No! He has my phone! I mean, isn't there any DNA where he buried me alive? This isn't CSI, all right? We're in Putnam County.
So you have no proof? [SNIFFLES, CHUCKLES.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Honey, let me level with you, all right? I looked you up.
- You have a rap sheet.
- [SCOFFS.]
Ever had any friends go through with reporting assault? This'll be labeled domestic violence.
This isn't He tried to murder me.
The best we can do is get a restraining order.
Right, temp for three months.
For a permanent one, you'll have to stand before a judge, - so will he.
- But it will be permanent? Well, three years.
And then file again.
If you have no pics, no proof What am I supposed to do? He thinks you're dead? You want some really off-the-record advice? Stay that way.
[SCOFFS.]
This is unreal.
Figured you'd come find me.
[CANDACE CHUCKLES.]
[SIGHS.]
Crazy family we've fallen into, huh? [CHUCKLES.]
So now you see I'm not I'm not afraid of you anymore.
If you really had something on me - you would've turned me in already.
- I'm not afraid of you either.
Why would you be afraid of me? Candace, it was an accident.
[CANDACE CACKLES.]
End of story.
I never tried to kill you.
[SNORTS, CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
You know what they say? You never know if you're fight or flight until you're forced to find out.
Turns out I'm fight.
So now I found you, I'm not going anywhere, and I don't care what story you tell yourself, because all I have to do is wait for you to mess up.
Murder has a way of following you.
And you're not getting away with it.
[JOE.]
Things aren't over with Candace.
But I have to rest before I plan my next move.
Wellness is exhausting.
Huh.
A postcard from Will in Manila.
It's going well with Gigi.
If I stay committed to being a good man, things might work themselves out.
[DELILAH.]
My God, why aren't they burning? [ELLIE.]
We need kindling.
Oh, man.
Evidently, there's toxins in Polaroids.
[BOTH SIGH.]
All right, there's one more.
[DOOR OPENS.]
- Aw.
- I wolf you.
Mm.
Do you now? - Yeah.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Do you want to go to the stockroom? Yes, I would like that very much.
[GIGGLES.]
Stop with the PDA.
Before anybody asks Amy picked me up from a meeting, where I found a new sponsor.
Can't name names, but, uh - let's just say the Academy robbed him.
- [CANDACE CHUCKLES.]
Anyway, I will have to make amends.
So I promise I will apologize to both of you whenever I get to that step.
You don't need to do that.
I'm just glad you're okay.
I really am.
And, um, I'm staying busy too.
I mean adapting this book Amy found for us is going to consume me, in the best way possible.
- Thank fuck we got that option.
- [CANDACE CHUCKLES.]
What's the book? I thought you were busy prepping Bang, Marry, Kill.
Yeah, that felt like more of a second feature.
But, uh Amy turned me on to this memoir.
Yeah, this main character, Beck she really speaks to me, you know? - She just wanted to be loved.
- [CANDACE.]
Mm.
- [JOE.]
She's worse than Eva Braun.
- Oh! Ugh! Anyway, just waiting for the deal points to come through, but - [LOVE.]
Oh, my God.
- [PHONE PINGS.]
Holy fuck.
- No way.
- What? - [FORTY.]
Hold on.
- What happened? [FORTY.]
No way.
Now they're saying they think Henderson was murdered.
[JOE.]
Benji, Peach, Beck, Ron, Jasper, Henderson Well, if if that's true, a famous man like Henderson, they won't stop until they find who did it, right? - Right.
- He won't get away with it.
[SIGHS.]
Murder has a way of following you.
[CLOSING MUSIC PLAYING.]
- [CAR DOOR SLAMS.]
I cannot believe there are no charging stations.
Fucking Arizona.
Well, we could call a tow, but, uh, you know, what the fuck, it's gonna take way too long.
Let's just take the PJ.
I know jets are wasteful, but I don't want you driving through the night, and my mom really hates it when people are late.
God, I cannot wait for you to meet her.
- What time is Love getting there? - Who knows? She's on her new boyfriend's dick like herpes.
Don't get me wrong, I love the guy, but Will, right? She's bringing him? Yep.
[CANDACE.]
Move, Joe.
Wait, stop! Stop! Stop, Candace.
I love you.
Just let me go.
Tell me you don't love me.
I don't! I don't love you.
I never have.
What are you gonna do about it, Joe? Don't do this! Stop! Looks like it's gonna be a proper meet-the-parents Wellkend.
Oh! [CLEARS THROAT.]
Hi.
Yeah.
Forty Quinn here.
Yes, like the number, but spelled out.
F-O [OPENING SONG PLAYING.]
[EGG TIMER TICKING.]
[JOE.]
I now truly understand the term "love of my life".
My life makes sense now with you in it.
Complete.
Not closed.
More open to the world and everything beautiful than ever before.
Nothing to hide.
You've asked me to meet the parents.
Might be messy, family can be.
But whatever comes, we'll get through it, together.
[TIMER DINGS.]
[GROANS.]
I don't wanna.
Can your parents really be that bad? Worse.
They can be worse.
Okay, remember, they charm so that they can manipulate.
My mom is a lot.
Just give in to her crazy.
And my dad is impenetrable.
Just don't take it personally.
Try not to.
I still do.
Is there anything I can do to support you? We could have a signal.
Like What is that? Are Are you Spider-Man? [CHUCKLES.]
No, no.
Um, it's it's, uh ASL for "I love you".
In, like, a friendly you know, like, platonic way.
[JOE.]
I love you.
In the non-friendly way, but I'm waiting to say it.
Why rush when we have the rest of our lives? [LOVE.]
Hmm! My dad's gonna like that shirt.
[JOE.]
I know.
I do my research.
America's surrogate dream parents, Ray and Dottie Quinn.
Ray is a Pasadena golden boy who comes from old-school money.
Dottie is the spark plug that gives him life.
They met in the naked hot tubs at Esalen, eloped shortly thereafter.
Joan Baez is rumored to have officiated.
Dottie opened Anavrin with Ray's family cash.
What started as a pet project has evolved into a global brand largely due to Dottie, all centered on the Quinn family motto, "Transparency and realness".
This weekend is Ray and Dottie's 30th anniversary, and they're making up for their quickie wedding with a wellness bacchanal.
Ray and Dottie's vow renewal will be the culmination of packed community say it with me now "Wellkend".
Shoot me in the face.
But whatever you need, Love.
These people may pretend to be real, but you and I really are.
[PHONE RINGS.]
- [JOE.]
Speaking of messy family - Hey.
Did you know Ja Rule and Ashanti never banged? Okay.
And? I don't know, it just kind of ruins it for me knowing their love was never real.
Can you check out? It fucks up inventory when you steal.
- Is that kombucha? - Stop being so codependent, okay? 'Buch has about as much alcohol in it as fresh-pressed juice, and I want to pour one out for Henderson.
Because it was our thing.
[FORTY.]
Did you hear they're saying it was a suicide now? Too good for this world.
[JOE.]
Another melancholy clown dies by his own hand, and his adoring fans and acquaintances grieve deeply for, oh, about the next one to two news cycles.
Are you making it to meetings? I'm in such a positive place right now and AA is a breeding ground of negativity.
Speaking of circle jerks, you still coming to Mom and Dad's Wank-end? Yes, of course.
Forty, just promise me that you won't do anything Gotta go.
Amy's in the whip.
[PHONE BEEPS.]
Is everything okay? Yeah.
No.
[SIGHS.]
Forty's gonna go off the rails again.
I can tell.
It's gonna be bad.
You like the girl he just met, right? Sure.
We went to the movies.
We didn't even talk.
What can I say? He's on pattern.
Meets a girl, each a new impossible-to-predict type of bad for him, and then he tries to get our parents to like her, then he flings himself off a cliff when they don't.
[JOE.]
Leaving you to clean the splatter.
I can neutralize.
I can distract.
I'm good with parents.
We got this.
[ELLIE.]
Sure, I could tell you were my sister is, but what is this about? [MAN.]
It's about Joshua Bunter.
- You might know him as - [JOE.]
Henderson.
Clearly, I need to be in two places at once, with you and near Ellie.
Just crossing the T's here.
We know from Henderson's IMs he was planning on seeing your sister that night.
Yeah, I don't read the news.
It's, like, so depressing, but I I thought he offed himself.
[JOE.]
Delilah's smarter than these guys.
[DETECTIVE.]
Yeah, well, it seems that way.
[JOE.]
And I've got parental tech to keep an eye on Ellie and the fallout from Hendy's tragic suicide.
Well, Ellie's not home right now, but I can call you when she is if you want, or, like Oh, no.
I have to go into work.
I'm sorry.
Bye.
Were you at Henderson's the night he died, Ellie? What are these? - What do you think they are? - Don't evade with a question.
- You evaded with a question first! - Jesus! Half the time you treat me like an adult, but, wait, suddenly, I'm a kid because you can't get it together to be an adult? You really wanna know? Those are Henderson's.
No, they're not.
They're random.
They're He's not even in 'em.
They're just I know because he did it to me.
I don't believe you.
- Where's your photo then? - You don't believe me? You need proof? Listen, don't get mad at me because he was a bad guy and you fell for it.
He was my friend! He wasn't your friend, Ellie! Let me guess.
He made you promise not to tell anyone you were hanging out alone together? Basic predator move.
You are a lot of things but you're not stupid.
[ELLIE SOBS.]
[NEW AGE MUSIC PLAYING.]
[LUCY AND SUNRISE CHUCKLING.]
[LUCY.]
Ah, ooh, ooh! Hi.
- Hello.
- Hi, babe.
[LOVE.]
Oh, my God, I'm so glad you guys are here.
Oh, my God.
[BOTH MOANING.]
- How are you? - I'm good.
Yeah, this is great.
[JOE.]
Well, thankfully, teenagers text emotional gibberish, so I know Ellie's okay.
All right, put the phone away.
Welcome to the Hellmouth.
[CHUCKLES.]
[JOE.]
And I'm in a Wes Anderson movie set in a weirdly Caucasian ashram.
- Hey, Dad.
- Lovey, hey.
Hey.
This is Will Bettelheim.
Oh.
You related to Bruno? [JOE.]
Ray's a not-so-secret fantasy fan.
He's referring to Bruno Bettelheim, author of The Uses of Enchantment is a classic.
No relation, I'm just a fan.
It's good to meet you, Mr.
Quinn.
Call me Ray.
[WOMAN.]
Will? Finally we meet.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh! You are delicious.
The pleasure is all mine, Dottie.
Come here, darling.
You look beautiful.
- Hey, Mom.
- I'm sorry, I'm all over the place.
- Let's get you a drink.
- Okay.
Sounds good.
[FORTY AND WILL GRUNT.]
- Forty.
- Sport! Hi, Love.
Where'd she go? There she is.
You gotta meet my girl, Amy.
Amy, come here.
[SONG IN SLOW MOTION.]
Hi there.
[CHUCKLES.]
Will Bettelheim, Amy Adam.
Nice to meet you.
[JOE.]
It can't be.
Am I hallucinating? This is her hand, this is real.
Candace is here.
Will Bettelheim What a great name.
Almost sounds made up.
[JOE.]
Is she trying to spar with me? That's funny, I was just thinking, "Amy Adam".
How totally un-google-able.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
[JOE.]
This is a game to her.
She's enjoying this.
I'm so happy to see you again.
[JOE.]
She's crazy, Love.
I'm also so hungry I could eat my own hand, so let's - Oh, no, don't worry.
Just eat mine.
- Oh! [LAUGHS.]
[JOE.]
Like the kids say, "Fuck my life".
[CANDACE WHIMPERING.]
[CAR ENGINE STOPS.]
Oh, good, you're awake.
- [CANDACE SOBS.]
- Shh-sh-sh-sh.
It's okay, you are totally safe.
I have a surprise for you.
[CANDACE WHIMPERING.]
Can you promise to be calm? Okay, good.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean what I said.
I'm an idiot.
Okay, I'm stupid.
Let's just go home.
You're just saying that because you think it's what I wanna hear.
No, I'm saying that because I'm tied up in the back of a van.
I had to so we could get here to talk.
I am so sorry.
- But it's all gonna be worth it.
- Where are we? Lake Mahopac.
You remember that amazing picnic we had? I brought all your faves again.
No, just, okay I know I know you don't want to hurt me.
- I would never hurt you.
- Just untie me.
Untie me.
I can't do that yet, you know I can't.
Just hang on.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Thanks.
Thank you.
Candace! [SHRIEKS.]
[CANDACE GRUNTING.]
Listen, you don't understand.
Don't do this! Stop! Please, don't do this! Shh! Sh-sh-sh-sh! Stop - [THUDS.]
- Stop! [JOE.]
How? How did she manage this? So tell, tell! How you two met.
We're dying to hear.
- [RAY.]
Yeah, tell us.
- [FORTY.]
Well, we were at - [CANDACE.]
South By.
- Yeah, and - Amy was giving me stalker eyes.
- I was interested, but so was he.
- So she reached for the queso.
- Oh, the queso! - And, um, it felt like - It was fate.
Inseparable ever since.
[JOE.]
Enjoy it while it lasts.
[FORTY.]
Yeah, we actually road-tripped back from Austin.
Got to know each other a little bit better.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- And what are you doing? - Amy is an indie film producer.
- [JOE.]
Oh, come on.
[FORTY.]
Yeah, we're actually already in soft prep for a film we're trying to get going.
[DOTTIE.]
Honey? [FORTY SIGHS.]
He could pretend to care, like, if he wanted to.
[CHUCKLING.]
Wow, these waiters are so slow! Oh, you want a drink? I'll I'll grab you a drink, bunny.
Yeah, could I get a 'buch, please? - Virgin, obviously.
- [CHUCKLING.]
Yes.
[FORTY.]
Appreciate you.
- [BARTENDER.]
Here you go.
- Thanks.
What are you doing here? I told you I'd show up to give you what you deserve.
So here we are.
Merry Christmas.
[JOE.]
How do I get this time bomb away from you, Love? - Want to know how I found you? - I would love to hear.
[SCOFFS.]
[CANDACE.]
So, I was feeling like shit one fine afternoon, when I saw this clickbait about how the stars live.
I mean, who doesn't need a little escapism? So I clicked and there was this link about how all the cool kids go to Henderson's house, and although I wasn't familiar with his work, I was curious about this random douchebag high as balls on his coffee table, which is when I first set eyes on my new dreamy beau.
[SCOFFS.]
[JOE.]
Of course, your brother destroyed my life, our life.
And he's such an idiot.
And I keep watching and No.
Couldn't be.
Could not be.
[JOE.]
I was trying to help you, Love.
Altruism is dangerous.
Shocked you'd choose LA.
But I found you.
Great.
What's the move? You gonna tell them this dramatic tale? I mean, it is their special weekend, so I'll wait if and when I have to, But in the meantime, I am going to protect them from you, bunny.
[SCOFFS.]
Especially your gorgeous girl.
Lucky man, Will.
[CHUCKLES.]
- I missed you, babe.
- Aw! [LOVE.]
Yeah, we can, uh, situate ourselves for dinner.
The fuck? I didn't know you bite your nails.
I don't.
Not since I was a kid.
Well, what, is meeting my parents making you nervous? 'Cause I don't care what they think.
And now I have to do this vow renewal.
I cannot believe I have to call my parents "lovers".
Then don't.
- Do you.
- No, I can't.
My mom gave me a script.
I mean, she said, "Make it your own", but I'm pretty sure that means, "Don't change anything".
Do you want some space to work? I can go to Forty's yurt.
Yeah, actually.
I mean, if you don't mind.
No.
The kombucha thing is not a good sign.
I just - I know, I get it.
- Okay.
Don't get lost out there.
[JOE.]
I will help you, helicopter sibling.
I need to keep eyes on Candace so I can protect you from her, but lest I accidentally stumble into Jeff Bezos's lodge, I need the blessed yurt map.
Will? Everything okay? It's perfect.
Thank you.
I just, you know, wanted to check out the Truth Yurt.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I was also looking for - Care to partake? - I don't really - I insist you be here now.
Okay.
[JOE CHUCKLES.]
[JOE.]
It's fine.
I won't inhale.
Now inhale.
[INHALES.]
[JOE COUGHS.]
So, fresh in from New York, huh? - Yeah.
- [DOTTIE CHUCKLES.]
I remember being in New York when I was a kid.
Ah, to be young.
Oh, you're still young.
Tell that to my vagina.
No one warns you.
You wake up one day drier than the Sahara.
If it weren't for this wonder lube we've developed, I don't know what I'd do.
It's already so difficult to reach orgasm at this age.
[JOE.]
Is this really happening? Anyways, it seems like you understand, Will.
What a chin.
[JOE.]
She's not flirting, she's testing me.
I'm drugged.
She hopes it's truth serum.
I think your daughter is the most amazing woman I've ever met.
I like you for Love.
[JOE.]
Between the obstacle course that is Dottie, and the more fundamental issue, that every millisecond of this Wellkend is scheduled, how do I get Candace alone? How do I do this, Love? How do I get her away from you? [MAN.]
Let the wolf awakenyour unconscious.
Meet your id.
[JOE GROANS QUIETLY.]
Hey.
[WOLF SNARLS.]
[SHRIEKS.]
[CANDACE LAUGHING.]
[GROUP MURMURING.]
[JOE.]
On the plus side, she's striking out with the Quinns.
Schadenfreude is karmic suicide.
[FORTY CLEANS THROAT.]
Dad, do you actually Do you have a minute? Not now, son, I've got doubles with Bozzi from the Palm.
Right.
Sorry, Bozz.
- [CHUCKLING.]
- Let's go, Bozz.
Shit.
It's okay.
Forty always you know, tries to impress our parents with these girls.
Can you just help? [SIGHS.]
[SNIFFLES.]
[NEWS ANCHOR.]
Ali Wong's in studio to talk about Henderson, or as she knew him, Josh.
[FORTY CLEANS THROAT.]
I will make a film that premieres Sundance 2020 at the Eccles.
Friday night slot.
Then goes on to sweep the Gothams, winning two, no, three Indie Spirit awards.
Fuck the Oscars.
I hear and accept you, Forty.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Is this gonna work? 'Cause my car is really old.
Yeah, that shiny, new Prius is all yours.
All you need is a group hug and 35K.
I will find the perfect partner.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's good.
[DOTTIE.]
We hear and accept you, Gabe.
I will fulfill my life-long dream of traveling to Italy.
[CHUCKLES.]
[JOE.]
Italy? Seriously? She is obsessed with me.
Okay, come on, somebody needs to help her.
Go.
- [SUNRISE.]
I accept you.
- [WOMAN.]
I accept you.
I hear and I accept you Amy.
[HEART THUMPING.]
[STAMMERING.]
You sorry um [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
I'm not feeling well.
- I I think I'm just dehydrated.
- [WOMAN.]
It's okay.
Don't fear love.
Hug.
[CANDACE YOWLS.]
I'm I'm sorry, I I just need to lie down.
Don't try anything.
I am texting someone on the outside every hour.
You hurt me or the Quinns, I reveal your identity to everyone, and everything to get turned over to the authorities.
Are you crazy? I'm just trying to talk to you.
Oh, you mean like the time you left me for fucking dead?! [JOE.]
She can't hold a knife.
One swift move and No, no, she's wrong, I don't hurt people, especially women, especially when they're out of their minds.
No, that is not me.
Candace, can we - please just have a truce? - Stay away from me.
I think this is just some big misunderstanding.
Stop gaslighting me! [CANDACE GRUNTS, PANTS.]
You don't want to protect them.
You want to hurt me.
Go ahead.
Do it.
I can't.
[JOE.]
It's a lot harder than it looks.
What are you guys doing in here? [CHUCKLES.]
Hey.
Is everything all right? Yeah, um [CLEARS THROAT.]
Allergies.
Will snuck me some Claritin.
Thanks, man.
No problem.
[FORTY.]
Let's go.
Time to get pretty.
[WILL.]
Ooh.
[WHISPERING.]
All right.
All right, well So, I brought two, and you can pick whichever one.
Oh, I'm I'm fine with either.
Amy, are you okay? Look, I know my mom can be a handful.
And I know my dad can also be a handful.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thanks.
It's it's not really that, it's more You can tell me anything.
I am a vault.
I don't want to sound crazy.
Well you won't and you aren't.
Something bad happened to me out in a place like this.
Just, I I got lost with a guy who I kind of thought was bad news.
It it turned out fine, though.
Well, that's good.
Yeah, I mean, you're probably being triggered.
Trauma lives in the body, so, you know, you can't control it, but At the risk of sounding like my mom, maybe Shaman Open can help.
It's it's really no big deal.
You and your family have been so welcoming.
- Oh - And also cool.
[CHUCKLING.]
I'm glad you think so.
[CHUCKLES.]
So tell me, how did you and Will meet? You two seem so great together.
Oh.
Um work.
I basically forced him to date me.
Ooh, does that get complicated? - Working with someone you're dating? - Not really.
Does it get complicated with you and Forty? Oh, no, we're great.
We're we're good.
He We're actually hiring.
Cinematographers.
Already? Isn't that a bit early? No, just just establishing like, tone.
Yeah, where do you work? Have you met my friend Lucy? She works at United.
- Oh, I'm independent.
- Mm-hmm.
And I usually just fly Southwest.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
I meant the agency.
- United Talent? - Oh, right.
Um No, no.
I don't think I've met her.
[CHUCKLING.]
No, it's It's an easy mistake.
[CANDACE CHUCKLES.]
Dad.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Finally.
Um did you get my email? It's not every man that can pull off linen.
Can you say hi to me at least? Forty, I don't want to hear it.
Okay, okay.
Uh, look, I know, but Amy actually has a really incredible idea Amy.
[CHUCKLES.]
Ugh, another walking visible panty line.
Let me guess.
She wants to open a vegan junk food restaurant, like Krystal-with-a-K? [FORTY CHUCKLES.]
Will, [SMACKS LIPS.]
ask him how much he wants.
[JOE.]
In times of triangulation, it's best to stay awkwardly quiet.
Did Forty tell you how he doodled on his SAT Scantron? I had to donate a building to Dartmouth to get him in.
Okay, Dad you know that I've struggled with drug addiction on and off, my [CHUCKLING.]
It's not eczema, Forty.
Addiction's not an on-and-off thing, and it's no excuse for being a bum.
One hundred K, this is the last time I ask.
Will Will has heard the pitch.
Yeah, I have.
I think it's a great idea.
Your son shows real promise.
Well, if my son wasn't such a big flapping pussy, he wouldn't need other people to carry his water for him.
[RAY.]
I'm not writing you another check.
Get a job.
And a life.
- Well - [PHONE CHIMES.]
That is my Postmates.
Yo quiero Taco Bell.
Forty.
Forty, are Are you okay? Yeah.
He's a douche, and I am so done - with all of this vegan bullshit.
- [PHONE BUZZES.]
You should come with.
Uh, you can service my sister post-chalupa.
What does the future hold? [LOVE CHUCKLES.]
Okay.
Um, what were you and Amy talking about earlier? Oh, why? Did something seem No, no.
I just I caught her in a lie.
And, uh now I'm worried.
[JOE.]
I knew we were on the same page.
I agree, she's - she's the worst.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Get rid of her now.
[CHUCKLING.]
Wait, what? No, that's aggressive.
And, plus, it would upset Forty.
I mean, what is going on with you? [JOE.]
Wrong page.
I know we're not in the Truth Yurt, but we can still be honest with each other, right? You've been off.
You feel weird, ever since we got here.
[JOE.]
I want to tell you everything.
And I will, soon, but for now You want to know why I'm weird? 'Cause your family is insane.
I warned you.
You warned me? Your mom can't stop telling me about her vagina.
She did what? And your dad, I just stepped in it with him trying to help Forty, which you asked me to do, and then he made me eat a chalupa, and now I'm sick.
Wait.
- Forty ordered Taco Bell? - Yeah.
What What? What's happening? Well, I have to go.
Forty always orders Taco Bell before he relapses.
You are so obsessed with your brother.
This is not normal.
Just to recap, you now have a problem with my mom, my dad, Forty, me, - this chick Amy for some reason - You don't like her either.
I'm I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I am trying to be the perfect boyfriend.
- I want to be so badly, - [SCOFFS.]
but you fed me to the wolves, literally.
[STAMMERS.]
Thanks for making a stressful weekend so much worse by starting this fight.
[JOE.]
Our first fight.
I blame Candace.
It's time for her to go.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Um, no, I I I look like cat shit right now.
I'm on my period.
Okay, who gives a fuck.
Just let me in.
Jesus, what kind of assholes have you dated that care about that kind of stuff? Why are you here? Uh, [SIGHS.]
I need those pictures back.
Um why? I think you look great for the record.
Yeah, uh, they're trying to get a full picture of what Henderson was into.
I told them that I got a lead on someone who has some knowledge of some young girls that we could follow up with.
D, they want to know why he did it.
Okay.
What's wrong? I left them right here.
I [WOMAN.]
Hi.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Have you guys seen my brother? No, not since cornhole.
Are we literally drinking the Kool-Aid right now? [CHUCKLES.]
Goodbye, cruel world.
- [SUNRISE AND LUCY CHUCKLE.]
- [GLASSES CLINK.]
[JOE.]
Candace must go, but first things first.
Time to apologize.
You're more important than my pride.
Love, I'm sorry.
I cannot be the one that makes you feel better right now.
I am looking for my brother and trying to handle my mother and Okay, I'll help.
I'll find Forty.
Okay.
Thank you.
[PHONE BUZZES.]
- Delilah, hey.
- Hey.
Any chance you're with Ellie? [JOE.]
That's what I get for not parent-spying on her for an hour.
No, but I I have some texts from her.
Hang on.
Okay, uh, the the Alex Theater is doing a Chandler thing.
- You could try that, but I gotta go.
- Okay, thanks.
[PEOPLE GIGGLING.]
[COUGHING.]
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
[JOE.]
Fucking crackheads.
[LOVE CHUCKLES.]
Um My parents aren't just parents, they're lovers.
They're, um I hate rom-coms.
- I do.
Take away my ovaries.
- [GUESTS CHUCKLING.]
Want to know why? Because throughout my life, when I look at my parents, their love doesn't feel like one.
You know, it's, um fighting over which toilet paper to buy.
And then plunging the toilet together when it gets clogged.
- [GUESTS LAUGH.]
- It's being there when someone's damage makes them impossible.
Knowing that they are so much more than their worst moments.
[JOE.]
You're not talking about them.
Contrary to internet opinion, my parents' love is not perfect.
[JOE.]
You're talking about us.
It's, uh It's sticky, messy, often potentially way too much to handle.
[ALL CHUCKLE.]
But it is so much better than perfect, because it's real.
Wait.
Wait, I want to go.
Forty No, I want to go.
I want to go.
Um [CLEARS THROAT.]
- Forty? - [FORTY.]
Um, remember when they, uh, they dragged us to the Hoffman Institute because, uh, they had differing definitions of the word "monogamish"? - [GUESTS CHUCKLING.]
- That was real.
- I have more.
I just, uh - Enough, son.
I I just need a smoke.
Just need a smoke.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, um, not that one.
No, it's fine.
It's it's okay.
Got it.
It's okay.
- [LOVE.]
It's okay.
- Oh! It's fine.
Everything's You look lovely, Mom.
Let's go.
It's okay.
Shh.
- I don't feel good.
- [LOVE.]
Yeah.
[RAY.]
I do.
[APPLAUSE.]
Let's party! [GUESTS CHEERING.]
[LOVE.]
Hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
- How are you guys doing? - You've done enough.
All you ever have to do is keep your brother safe.
You failed.
You disgust me.
You're a fucking hypocrite.
[LOUD SLAP.]
[JOE.]
Earth mommy dearest.
Oh, Love.
It's okay, it's okay.
It's okay.
- It's okay.
- [SCOFFS.]
[DOTTIE.]
It's okay.
[JOE.]
I saw what your mom did.
Are you okay? My dad hit me a lot.
Why couldn't you tell me? Probably same reason you couldn't tell me.
I couldn't tell you because I wanted us to stay us.
[SIGHS.]
I didn't want it to be polluted by all this fucking I guess my life has been dark.
Well, who you really are the dark, that's not a burden.
You don't have to push that away from me.
I want to know you.
I want to know you.
You know, the more I get to know you, the nicer it is.
I don't just mean the cute parts.
As far as I'm concerned we will stay us no matter what.
Yeah, I feel like I've been, um I've been acting weird, and I feel like it's because there's all these things that I felt like I couldn't tell you, but, like, fuck that.
[SIGHS.]
Okay, um You remember the, um the Nilla Wafers, the au pair? Of course.
My parents started Anavrin when we were, like, 13.
And they hired this woman, Sofia.
She was, like, 19.
She was from Spain.
The way Forty tells it she was his first love.
To this day, he does not acknowledge that it was was abuse.
And eventually my parents caught them together, and so much shit ensued.
And they let her go.
And she was troubled.
She killed herself.
Forty's the one who found the body.
[GROANS.]
Yeah, and nothing has ever really been the same.
My parents kept everything quiet with money.
[SIGHING.]
Yeah.
I get that Forty is a lot.
I know.
And I know that I take care of him too much.
But you've met my parents now, so you know why.
I'm stuck with him.
No.
We are.
[EXHALES HEAVILY.]
[JOE.]
I don't think I've ever been in love before.
- It's been infatuation.
- [GROANS.]
This is it.
Accepting you're not perfect and loving you more for it.
What the fuck? [LOVE LAUGHS.]
[IMITATES A SNARL.]
I'm sorry, did that trigger you? Can I tell you I love you yet? Whenever you're ready.
In the meantime, let me say I love you Love.
Ugh, it's a complicated word.
Oh, yeah.
Is there another word we can use? Our word? Um I wolf you.
I wolf you too.
I like it.
It's like you're part of my pack.
I am your pack.
[BREATHING LOUDLY.]
[LOVE CHUCKLES.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- Hey! - Klepto.
The police came for these.
- The actual police or your fuckboy? - Why would you take these? [STAMMERS.]
I couldn't believe he would do this.
But I do now.
I'm sorry I was being such an asshole.
It's okay.
I think we should burn those.
If these photos were ever leaked every time someone googled the girls, it would just What would you want done with yours? Hey, just so you know nothing could ever make me see you different.
[COP.]
Tell me again what happened.
Um, my boyfriend ex We fought.
And he He took me to the woods.
Um I don't remember what happened next.
I just I I woke up.
Like buried.
We sent a car out.
No tire marks.
No, he dug a grave.
A lot of tree removal in that area, right? Loose dirt.
No one saw anything? You happen to take any pictures or save any texts between you? No! He has my phone! I mean, isn't there any DNA where he buried me alive? This isn't CSI, all right? We're in Putnam County.
So you have no proof? [SNIFFLES, CHUCKLES.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Honey, let me level with you, all right? I looked you up.
- You have a rap sheet.
- [SCOFFS.]
Ever had any friends go through with reporting assault? This'll be labeled domestic violence.
This isn't He tried to murder me.
The best we can do is get a restraining order.
Right, temp for three months.
For a permanent one, you'll have to stand before a judge, - so will he.
- But it will be permanent? Well, three years.
And then file again.
If you have no pics, no proof What am I supposed to do? He thinks you're dead? You want some really off-the-record advice? Stay that way.
[SCOFFS.]
This is unreal.
Figured you'd come find me.
[CANDACE CHUCKLES.]
[SIGHS.]
Crazy family we've fallen into, huh? [CHUCKLES.]
So now you see I'm not I'm not afraid of you anymore.
If you really had something on me - you would've turned me in already.
- I'm not afraid of you either.
Why would you be afraid of me? Candace, it was an accident.
[CANDACE CACKLES.]
End of story.
I never tried to kill you.
[SNORTS, CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
You know what they say? You never know if you're fight or flight until you're forced to find out.
Turns out I'm fight.
So now I found you, I'm not going anywhere, and I don't care what story you tell yourself, because all I have to do is wait for you to mess up.
Murder has a way of following you.
And you're not getting away with it.
[JOE.]
Things aren't over with Candace.
But I have to rest before I plan my next move.
Wellness is exhausting.
Huh.
A postcard from Will in Manila.
It's going well with Gigi.
If I stay committed to being a good man, things might work themselves out.
[DELILAH.]
My God, why aren't they burning? [ELLIE.]
We need kindling.
Oh, man.
Evidently, there's toxins in Polaroids.
[BOTH SIGH.]
All right, there's one more.
[DOOR OPENS.]
- Aw.
- I wolf you.
Mm.
Do you now? - Yeah.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Do you want to go to the stockroom? Yes, I would like that very much.
[GIGGLES.]
Stop with the PDA.
Before anybody asks Amy picked me up from a meeting, where I found a new sponsor.
Can't name names, but, uh - let's just say the Academy robbed him.
- [CANDACE CHUCKLES.]
Anyway, I will have to make amends.
So I promise I will apologize to both of you whenever I get to that step.
You don't need to do that.
I'm just glad you're okay.
I really am.
And, um, I'm staying busy too.
I mean adapting this book Amy found for us is going to consume me, in the best way possible.
- Thank fuck we got that option.
- [CANDACE CHUCKLES.]
What's the book? I thought you were busy prepping Bang, Marry, Kill.
Yeah, that felt like more of a second feature.
But, uh Amy turned me on to this memoir.
Yeah, this main character, Beck she really speaks to me, you know? - She just wanted to be loved.
- [CANDACE.]
Mm.
- [JOE.]
She's worse than Eva Braun.
- Oh! Ugh! Anyway, just waiting for the deal points to come through, but - [LOVE.]
Oh, my God.
- [PHONE PINGS.]
Holy fuck.
- No way.
- What? - [FORTY.]
Hold on.
- What happened? [FORTY.]
No way.
Now they're saying they think Henderson was murdered.
[JOE.]
Benji, Peach, Beck, Ron, Jasper, Henderson Well, if if that's true, a famous man like Henderson, they won't stop until they find who did it, right? - Right.
- He won't get away with it.
[SIGHS.]
Murder has a way of following you.
[CLOSING MUSIC PLAYING.]