You Rang, M'Lord? (1988) s02e05 Episode Script

1 # From Mayfair to Park Lane # You will hear the same refrain # ln every house again, again You rang, m'lord? # Stepping out on the town # The social whirl goes round and round # The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? # The bunny hug at the Shim-Sham Club # The Charleston at the Ritz # And at the Troc, do the turkey trot # They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits # Saucy flappers in cloche hats # Natty chappies in white spats # The upper set is going bats You rang, m'lord? (Footsteps approaching) HeIIo, MabeI.
Why are you here on a Sunday? They caIIed me in speciaI.
They're having the bishop for Iunch.
I thought onIy cannibaIs ate bishops.
You are a caution, ConstabIe.
HeIp me take this washing in before they get back or Mrs Lipton wiII have a fit.
The neighbours can't see it here.
I know, but Mrs Lipton doesn't Iike the AImighty Iooking down on His Lordship's underpants on the Sabbath.
Any chance of a cup of tea, MabeI? It's more than my job's worth to touch Mrs Lipton's kettIe.
Anyhow, they'II be back soon.
I'm surprised a God-fearing woman Iike you didn't go too.
I went with them once.
They made me sit at the back where they hand out the hymn books.
Then they docked me a whoIe hour's wages - thruppence.
You're not an atheist, are you, MabeI? I used to pray a Iot but He didn't take a bIind bit of notice, so I thought I'd give it a few years' rest and try again Iater.
When I'm nearer me time.
That is the Iast time I am going to that church.
It's onIy an hour and a haIf and it pIeases Daddy.
WeII, it does not pIease me, having to wear a skirt and this hat.
Oh, Iord, there's Lavender.
I wish she wouIdn't hang out of the window with her hair aII over her face.
Sir, wiII you wait whiIe I go through and open the door, or wiII you use your Iatchkey? What do you think, George? - How Iong wiII it take? - A few minutes, sir.
Been to church, have you? And so you shouId with the sort of Iife you Iead! Hypocrites! They're aII hypocrites, and that man, he's an aduIterer! Do you hear, an aduIterer! It Iooks a bit overcast.
We'II use the key.
- They're aII hypocrites! - Stokes! - Yes, m'Iord? - Send Ivy up to cIose the window.
Very good, m'Iord.
- Morning, ConstabIe WiIson.
- Morning.
I'II have the kettIe on in two ticks.
A quick cup of tea and then I must get the joint in the oven.
Henry, take that hat off.
You Iook a fooI in it.
Mr TweIvetrees and I want a word with you.
Not now.
Go and attend to Lady Lavender.
- We'II have it out with you first.
- You've put it off too often.
- What are you doing about Mrs Lipton? - What are you on about? - She said you asked her to marry you.
- You can't.
You're married to my mum.
She's making it up.
She's never got her nose out of the paper.
- What about that ring you gave her? - I never gave her a ring.
Yes, you did.
I've seen it.
It's a curtain ring.
Oh, that ring! Yeah, we were just Iarking about.
And she gave you £15 cash to pay the stamp duty on the divorce papers.
I've got a Iot of financiaI probIems.
You've no idea how worried I've been.
I aIways try and do my best by everybody, but I'm too easygoing.
PeopIe take advantage of me.
You're the one who takes advantage, Ieading her up the garden path.
If you don't teII her that you're not going to marry her, we wiII.
AII right, I'II sort it out.
Just give me time.
You've got untiI tonight.
(Parrot) Come in.
(Lady Lavender) Oh, shut up.
Come in.
(Parrot) Oh, shut up.
Come in.
- I've brought you a cup of cocoa.
- Thank you, EtheI.
I'II shut the window so it doesn't get coId.
- You Iook nice.
- Thank you.
I'm going riding.
Riding? Ask the groom to bring my horse round.
We haven't got any horses.
Don't be absurd.
The stabIes are fuII of them.
- I mustn't keep Captain DoIby waiting.
- Who's Captain DoIby? A charming man.
Mother thinks he's setting his cap at me.
Oh, I do hope so.
I'm meeting him in Rotten Row at tweIve o'cIock.
- Are you sure? - But of course I'm sure.
There's the note he sent.
- But this Ietter's dated 1885! - What about it? It's 1927.
Oh.
I expect he's gone home by now.
It's 1927! Oh, I wonder if the neighbours know.
It's 1927! Lady Lavender Your cocoa's getting coId.
I'm not surprised if you brought it up in 1885.
God, that's better.
I wish you wouIdn't keep saying God, especiaIIy on a Sunday.
Why are you in your fIying kit? You know the bishop's coming to Iunch.
I'm taking the Tiger Moth up this afternoon.
JoIIy bad form, wearing breeches on a Sunday.
I suppose it's good form to wear short skirts and show your stocking tops Iike Poppy.
I do not show my stocking tops! GirIs, girIs, pIease, not stocking tops! Not on a Sunday.
JoIIy nice for the rest of the week.
Oh, I Iove it when you're naughty! Oh, reaIIy! The Iord bishop, m'Iord.
Oh, pIease, don't get up.
I hope I haven't kept you waiting.
I had a few parochiaI matters to discuss with your vicar.
Good of you to take the service this morning, CharIes.
Don't mention it.
I scatter myseIf around the diocese as much as possibIe.
We've had more than our fair share of you today.
You may jest, but I wiII not apoIogise for the Iength of my sermon.
I'm sure in these days of moraI decIine, there is no more important subject than the sanctity of marriage.
- Hear, hear.
- Sir RaIph Shawcross is here, sir.
- I've put him in the study.
- Oh, God! I'm so sorry.
Excuse me.
- What's he come round for? - I've no idea, sir.
- Didn't you teII him I wasn't at home? - He foIIowed you from church, sir.
Has he got a horse whip with him? Not unIess he has it conceaIed about his person, sir.
You know what a terribIe temper he has.
Perhaps it wouId be as weII if you stayed in the room just in case.
How do you wish me to occupy myseIf, sir? Dust the books.
Ah, so you are at home after aII.
How dare you read my private papers! That's my eIectricity biII.
Don't use much, do you? Do you send them aII to bed at sunset? Make them use candIes? I'd be much obIiged if you wouId state your business and go.
- Not in front of your butIer.
He's a viIIain.
- He's got to dust the books.
Does he have to do it on Sunday morning at haIf past tweIve? He aIways dusts the books on Sunday morning at haIf past tweIve.
In point of fact, it's 25 to one.
He's Iate.
It doesn't Iook as though he did them Iast week.
That is none of your business.
I'm not going to have my househoId routine aItered by you.
- Now, what do you want? - I'm not going to beat about the bush.
Be quiet.
WiII you keep your voice down? I've got the bishop in the drawing room.
- Who were you with Iast night? - What? WhowereyouwithIastnight? That sounded Iike some damned music haII turn.
- Answer my question.
- If you must know, I was dining at home.
- I don't beIieve you.
- Ask Stokes.
I certainIy don't beIieve him.
Where were you at 7:30 Iast Tuesday evening? (Coughing) Look, I refuse to be cross-questioned by you standing behind my own desk.
If you don't answer my questions, I shaII teII the bishop everything! If you must know, I was at a banquet at the Mansion House.
Oh, yes, WorshipfuI Company of Fornicators.
No, WorshipfuI Company of Tin PIate Workers and Wire PuIIers.
Ask the Prince of WaIes.
He was there.
Don't be sarcastic with me, MeIdrum.
If I may interrupt, sir, this is the invitation.
Oh, my God, it's true.
My wife is seeing another man.
Agatha? SureIy not! Oh, you don't know her.
No, no, of course I don't.
It's the Peruvian bIood in her famiIy.
- ReaIIy? - Yes, on her mother's side.
- She goes right back to the Incas.
- Oh, poor girI.
I had to keep my eye on her in Hong Kong, and on the boat coming back.
Oh, it's not her fauIt.
Men just won't Ieave her aIone.
(Whimpering) Oh, my God.
How much Ionger am I going to have to put up with this? - Stokes, a gIass of whisky for Sir RaIph.
- I do Iove her so much! I'm most terribIy sorry, oId boy.
TerribIy sorry.
Don't patronise me, MeIdrum! When I find out who it is, I'II kiII him.
I'II kiII her too.
If I can't have her, no one eIse wiII.
Yes, weII, it's aImost time for Iunch.
I must get back to the bishop and you must get back to yourIunch.
How can I think about Iunch, when, somewhere, out there in London, there's a swine carrying on with my wife? Yes, weII, Stokes wiII see you out.
Good day.
- A IittIe more whisky, sir? - Oh Is your mind at rest now, sir? No, it isn't.
I stiII don't trust him.
I can assure you, sir, in the strictest confidence, that any reIationship his Iordship has with the opposite sex is onIy pIatonic.
- What do you mean? - As they say in France, ''L'amour est fini.
'' - What? - It was the war, sir.
He caught it.
In the artiIIery.
Oh, my God! Not the breech bIock? No, sir, shrapneI.
Oh, how dreadfuI! Poor chap.
It's not affected his voice.
Indeed not, sir.
This way, pIease.
Oh A IittIe more sherry, m'Iord? No, thank you.
I've had my ration.
Oh, weII, perhaps a tiny drop.
Was that your mother-in-Iaw I saw peering out of an upstairs window? No, definiteIy not.
It was probabIy the daiIy woman.
WeII, whoever it was was very concerned that we shouId know that it was 1927.
No, it couIdn't be Lavender.
She's spending much of the time in bed.
She's getting very fraiI, you know? Any booze going? - A IittIe sherry, m'Iady? - No.
A big gin.
- Are you going riding, Lavender? - I was but I'm 42 years too Iate.
- Wait.
- Sir.
Come and sit down, Granny.
Morning, everybody.
Sorry to butt in Iike this.
I just want to say, MeIdrum, that damn war was a beastIy business.
You have my sympathy.
Good day.
- What was aII that about, George? - I've reaIIy no idea.
Good day, sir.
- What the heII were you taIking about? - I'm sorry I misjudged you, MeIdrum.
None of this wiII go any further.
I don't mind you seeing my wife from time to time.
I don't even mind you giving her the odd peck on the cheek.
It's the Ieast I can do.
Goodbye, CharIes.
What on earth was aII that about? I think Sir RaIph has a Iot of probIems on his mind, sir.
(MabeI) I've done aII the washing-up.
- Is there anything eIse? - No.
That'II be aII, MabeI.
WeII, if you're having your Iunch, I'II be off, then.
- Roast beef, is it? - Yes, MabeI, it's roast beef.
I can't remember the Iast time I had roast beef.
You're very generous with your heIpings, Mr Stokes.
We must finish it up.
I can't bear to see good food go to waste.
WeII - I'II be off now, then.
- You've aIready said that once, MabeI.
Don't forget those chicken pieces I said you couId have, the ones I made the soup from yesterday.
- That'II be nice.
- They're in the pan.
You can take that as weII.
The handIe's coming off.
Oh, and you can take the kipper skins Ieft over from breakfast for your cat.
Thank you very much, Mrs Lipton.
Kipper skins, chicken bits and an oId pan with the handIe coming off.
My husband'II think it's Christmas.
AIways on the scrounge, that woman.
And so ungratefuI when you do give her anything.
I saw her washing the miIk bottIes out to put in her rice pudding.
She'II have to go.
She Iowers the tone of the kitchen.
Whose idea was it to give Lady Lavender chocoIate pudding? I had to promise her chocoIate pudding to get her into her room.
Why did you give her so much? HaIf of it's gone on the waIIpaper.
Scrape it off with a knife.
Mrs Lipton can give it to MabeI.
Sit down and have your dinner before it gets coId.
I haven't had this wine before, have I, Mr Stokes? No.
It's new.
I was getting bored with the Margaux.
To teII you the truth, so was I.
ChevaI BIanc It's quite nice.
Do you know that wine you fiIch from his Iordship's ceIIar cost nearIy £2 a bottIe? What do you think he'd say if he knew? He'd be gIad we changed from the Margaux.
That cost four quid.
WeII, here's to Mr Teddy's wedding.
And any other wedding that couId be taking pIace in the near future.
- What other wedding, Mrs Lipton? - You'II know soon enough, ConstabIe.
A nod's as good as a wink, eh, Mr Stokes? (ChuckIing nervousIy) Did you hear them mention the date at Iunch, Ivy? No.
Mr Teddy kept changing the subject.
StiII, he couId do worse.
The Cartwright famiIy are roIIing in money.
Yeah.
She's the soIe heir to the Cartwright empire.
Cartwright's soap, Cartwright's marmaIade.
And pickIed onions.
You can't go into a fish-and-chip shop without seeing a big jar of Cartwright's pickIed onions.
Speaking for myseIf, I think they put too much spice in 'em.
I'II mention it next time I answer the door to Miss Cartwright.
(Tentative strumming) # Sweetsee her # Coming down the street Now, I ask you - (Twanging) - Oh, no.
That's wrong.
Now, I ask you - (Knock on door) - BIast! Come in.
Mr Jerry returned your tennis racket, Miss Poppy.
You Ieft it in his car.
Oh, thank you, James.
- # Now, I ask you # - (Twanging) Oh, hang! I can't get this chord right.
- May I show you, miss? - Oh, can you pIay it? Just a IittIe, yes.
The fingers go Iike this.
- Show me.
- Oh.
# Ain't she sweet? # See her coming down the street # Now, I ask you very confidentiaIIy Ain't she sweet? That was marveIIous, James! Where did you Iearn to pIay? It was during the war.
Now, if you'II excuse me No, don't go.
I want you to show me how that chord goes.
Yes, weII, the first finger goes there, second finger there and third finger there.
Oh, I see.
Like - That? - No.
First finger there second finger there, third finger there.
Like this.
I teII you what, you do the Ieft hand and I'II do the pIinkety pIonk.
Oh! Dropping it.
HoId it for me, James.
- Ready? - Yes, miss.
- This is marveIIous! Let's sing it! - Right.
One, two, three, four.
# Ain't she sweet # See her coming down the street # Now, I ask you very confidentiaIIy # Ain't she sweet? # Ain't she nice? # Look her over once or twice # Now, I ask you very confidentiaIIy # Ain't she nice? # Just cast an eye in her direction # Oh, me, oh, my, ain't that perfection? # I repeat, don't you think it's kind of neat # Now, I ask you very confidentiaIIy, Ain't she sweet? That was wonderfuI.
We shouId go on the haIIs, MeIdrum and TweIvetrees.
We shouId indeed, miss.
- WiII you teach me properIy? - Of course, Miss Poppy.
I'm a duffer, so we'd have to spend time together.
You wouIdn't mind spending time with me, wouId you, James? WeII, I do have my duties to attend to, miss.
What do you do on your afternoon off? - Sometimes I go to the cinema.
- Oh, I Iove the pictures! Take me to the pictures, James.
It wouIdn't be proper for us to be seen together.
We couId meet inside in the dark.
No one wouId know.
We'II do it on Wednesday.
- No, I couIdn't do that, miss.
- Why not? WeII, because I'm I'm going with someone eIse.
Who? ErIIvy.
WeII, if you prefer to go to the pictures with a maid there's no more to be said.
You may go.
BIast! # What'II I do # When you are far away # And I am bIue? What'II I do? - You'd Iook very nice in it, Ivy.
- Oh, I'm sorry, miss! I was tidying up and I got carried away.
It's aII right, Ivy.
WeII, it's a IoveIy dress.
I've never seen you wear it before.
You aIways wear trousers.
Not aII the time.
What I wear depends on the mood I'm in.
It doesn't matter what mood I'm in.
I've onIy got two dresses, a Iight and a dark one.
I've got Iots of things I never wear.
Let's have a Iook.
I don't want this tennis dress.
WouId you Iike it? Oh, I don't pIay tennis.
Oh, no, of course you don't.
What do you do? Run up and down the stairs aII day, waiting on peopIe hand and foot.
You've aIready got the right dress for that.
I must find you something.
How about this afternoon dress? You have afternoons off, don't you? - Yes, once a fortnight.
- What do you do? - Go to the pictures.
- With a boyfriend? No.
- Is there nobody you've got a crush on? - WeII, yes, there is.
- Who? - I don't Iike to say.
- Do I know him? - Yes.
- Does he work in the house? - Yes.
- It's not Henry, is it? - Of course not, miss! - Then it must be James.
- Yes.
He's IoveIy.
Mind you, he's ever so strict and stern, but I Iike that in a man.
Don't you? No, not reaIIy.
Does he know how you feeI about him? WeII, yes, I think so.
I keep dropping hints, but I'm afraid he doesn't reciprocate my affections.
- He onIy has eyes for one person.
- Yes, I know.
My sister.
If you don't mind my saying so, Miss Cissy, and I know it's not my pIace, but Miss Poppy Ieads him on.
Yes, I know.
Be carefuI, Ivy.
She can be very spitefuI.
There you are, Ivy.
I've been ringing.
I might have known you'd be with Cissy.
I was just giving her one of my oId dresses.
- There you are, Ivy.
- Oh, thanks ever so much, Miss Cissy! - Oh, it's IoveIy! - You'II need to take it up a bit.
- And Iet it out quite a Iot.
- I shaII wear it on Wednesday afternoon.
To the pictures? With James? - Eh? - James is taking you to the pictures.
Have you forgotten? Don't stand there with your mouth open.
Bring a pot of tea to my room.
Yes, Miss Poppy.
Mr TweIvetrees, Iook at this dress that Miss Cissy's given me.
- Isn't it IoveIy? - Very nice, Ivy.
- Do you think it suits me? - It's a IittIe fIamboyant for a servant.
We must remember our station and dress accordingIy.
WeII, I'm going to wear it on Wednesday afternoon.
- Oh, yes? - WiII you mind? - I don't see it's any concern of mine, Ivy.
- What are we going to see? Oh, there's Greta Garbo and John GiIbert in FIesh And The DeviI.
Oh, and RonaId CoIman and ViIma Banky in Night of Love, or we can go and see something funny, CharIes Ray and Harry C Myers in Getting Gertie's Garter.
I think RonaId CoIman wouId be best.
He's my favourite.
After Rin Tin Tin, of course.
You Iook a bit Iike him.
RonaId CoIman, not Rin Tin Tin.
There's been some mistake.
I'm not taking you to the cinema.
Oh Miss Poppy said you were.
Oh, I see.
WeII, for reasons I don't wish to go into, Ivy, I had to teII Miss Poppy I had an engagement on my afternoon off, and when she questioned me, I said I was taking you to the cinema.
It was the best excuse I couId think of at the time.
After aII, I couIdn't say I was taking Mrs Lipton, couId I? - I see.
- I'm sorry if you've been misIed.
That's aII right.
- Do you want a cup of tea, Ivy? - No, thanks.
- Are you aII right, Ivy? - Of course I am.
Have you been crying? - No, I haven't.
- Your cheeks are wet.
I've just spIashed my face at the sink.
There's something wrong.
Go on, you can teII me.
We're friends.
I'm I'm cross, that's aII.
You're not cross with me, are you? No, of course not.
No, it's It's James.
He's aIways upsetting you.
One of these days, I'II hit him.
Oh, it's not his fauIt.
He had to make an excuse to Miss Poppy.
He said he was taking me to the pictures and I thought he was.
- Are you disappointed? - Of course I am.
I Iove going to the pictures anyway, but going with James wouId bejust heaven.
- I'II take you if you Iike.
- Oh, Henry I've onIy got sixpence so we'II have to sit in the thruppenies down the front, and they're at the side, so everyone Iooks Iong and thin.
Oh, Henry (James) Ivy? Ah, there you are, Ivy.
Henry, go and wake Mrs Lipton.
It's time for her to get the tea ready.
Yes, Mr TweIvetrees.
Ivy, it occurred to me that I might have upset you.
No.
No, I'm aII right.
I've been thinking very hard since our Iast conversation.
I aIways pride myseIf I try to do the right thing in Iife.
I toId Miss Poppy I was taking you to the cinema, so I wiII go through with it and accompany you.
I'm aware of your feeIings for me, Ivy, and I don't want you to think this is any form of encouragement.
- It is a visit to the cinema.
Understood? - Yes, Mr TweIvetrees.
- Nothing more.
- Yes, Mr TweIvetrees.
You dropped your dress.
- Oh, thank you.
- I'm sure you'II Iook very nice in it.
- Oh, you won't wear Iipstick, wiII you? - No, of course not.
(Mouthing) - Ah! What is it? - There's someone here to see you, sir.
- Who? - (Whispering) Lady Agatha.
- What? - Lady Agatha.
- Who's that? - It's aII right.
Don't wake the bishop.
- Where is she? - In the dining room, sir.
- Agatha.
- George (Both) Oh Are you aII right, George? Yes, of course I am.
RaIph is behaving in a very pecuIiar fashion.
He said he didn't mind you seeing me from time to time and giving me the odd peck on the cheek because you were wounded, in the artiIIery.
I wasn't in the artiIIery.
I was in the infantry.
Were you wounded? You know joIIy weII I wasn't.
You'd have seen the scars.
I wouIdn't.
You aIways want the Iight out.
WeII, that's just to save eIectricity.
We had very heavy biIIs recentIy.
RaIph said something about that too.
And he said, did I think you had a squeaky voice? - What did you say? - No.
- Quite right.
- I'm worried about him, George.
Do you think he's having a nervous breakdown? I must say, he behaved very strangeIy when he came to see me this morning.
He mumbIed something about your having an affair.
- With you.
- No, with someone eIse.
- He didn't say who, did he? - No.
- You're not, are you? - Of course not.
Besides, there wouIdn't be time.
Anyhow, what woman of my age wouId want to carry on with a man 20 years younger than herseIf? RaIph never mentioned him being 20 years younger.
WeIIthey aIways are, aren't they? Yes, I suppose so.
- I think it's disgusting.
- Oh, absoIuteIy.
I'd much rather have a man 20 years oIder, Iike you.
Seventeen, actuaIIy.
Agatha, I think I ought to teII you that if I did find out you were having an affair with another man, apart from your husband and me, I couId getvery dangerous.
Oh, George how couId I possibIy want any other man beside you? You're magnificent.
Now, give me that peck on the cheek RaIph said we couId have.
(Knock on door) Henry has cIeaned your evening shoes, sir.
Those shoes shouId have been cIeaned this morning.
He was unabIe to cIean them this morning.
There was no sour miIk.
On occasion, I've used fresh miIk.
It works perfectIy weII.
Have you taken Ieave of your senses, James? You cannot cIean patent Ieather shoes with fresh miIk! It has to be miIk that's gone off.
Working-cIass peopIe may cIean their shoes with fresh miIk.
They probabIy wear made-up bow ties with their dinner jackets.
We have to set certain standards, otherwise the whoIe fabric of society wiII crumbIe.
- I'm very sorry, sir.
- I shouId think you are.
Now, buzz off.
I want to speak to Stokes.
Now, Stokes, I want to ask your advice, and it's very confidentiaI.
You can reIy on my discretion, sir.
I'm in a dashed pickIe.
My brother's making me marry Madge Cartwright and I can't put it off much Ionger.
- ShouIdn't you go through with it, sir? - I can't.
I'm in Iove with her maid, Rose.
Listen.
I've been giving the oId grey matter a bit of a thrashing, and I've come up with an ingenious wheeze.
Oh, reaIIy, sir? What? I'II have a dupIicate of Madge's wedding dress made with a very thick veiI.
Just before the wedding, I want you to go to Limehouse and engage two Chinamen.
- Is that cIear so far? - Very cIear.
On the day of the wedding, they wiII wayIay Madge, put a chIoroform pad on her face and chuck her in a ditch.
On second thoughts, they Ieave her in the car.
- What about the driver, sir? - ChIoroform him as weII.
That's why you need two Chinamen.
Right here, Stokes.
I've thought it out.
Rose arrives at the church and she's wearing the heavy veiI.
I marry her and no one can do a thing about it.
Those whom God has joined together, Iet no man put asunder and aII that tosh.
WeII, what do you think? I think perhaps you've been reading too much PG Wodehouse, sir.
CertainIy not! I can't stand him.
That character Bertie Wooster with his monocIe and stutter is an idiot.
You don't get p-p-peopIe Iike that in reaI Iife.
- WeII, are you game? - I couId be persuaded, sir, if you're prepared to spend your honeymoon on Dartmoor doing hard Iabour.
- Oh, why? - Kidnapping is a very serious offence.
Oh, hang Oh, weII, that's it, then.
You're so baIIy cIever.
You think of something.
If you take my advice, sir, you'II marry Miss Cartwright and forget about Rose.
I can never forget her.
At Ieast I can take her out on a day off.
Be very carefuI, sir.
If you're seen out with her, tongues wiII wag.
Don't worry, where I take her, no one can see us.
- There's your bottIe, Ivy.
- Thanks, Mrs Lipton.
- Good night, aII.
- Good night, Mrs Lipton.
- Good night.
- Good night, Henry.
Dad, have you toId Mrs Lipton you're not going to marry her yet? I'II pop in her room on my way up.
WeII don't take an hour and a haIf Iike Iast night.
- I know what's going on.
- She's a IoneIy woman, Ivy.
You can't begrudge her a bit of company.
What about Mum? I've Iocked up for the night, Mr Stokes.
Good night, Mr TweIvetrees.
(James) Good night, Ivy.
- Good night, Dad.
- Good night, Ivy.
I hear you're taking my daughter to the pictures on Wednesday.
That's right.
I trust you'II keep your hands to yourseIf.
How dare you?! Don't judge other peopIe's moraIs by your own.
On the subject of moraIs, have you spoken to Mrs Lipton? - I'm just about to do it now.
- You'd better.
If that woman isn't in tears at breakfast, I shaII want to know why.
You're a hard man, James TweIvetrees.
The truth never hurt anyone.
WeII, if it's the truth you want, I'II give it to you.
You've got a gravy stain on your dicky.
Just a minute.
- Who is it? - Who do you think it is? Come in, AIf.
Is that a bottIe of port you've got there? No, brandy.
- Are we ceIebrating? - I'm afraid not, BIanche.
- There's a probIem over the divorce.
- Oh, no.
Not another one.
How much Ionger have I got to go on waiting and waiting? I'm sorry, BIanche.
It's the wife.
She's changed her mind.
Oh.
Why does she keep on cIinging to you when she doesn't want you any more? Why can't she Iet you go so that you canget married andand Iive in eternaI bIiss? WeII, that's women for you.
- Ersome women.
- Did you hear this from your soIicitor? - Yes, this morning.
- But there's no post.
- I rang up.
- But it's Sunday.
I rang his home.
We were at schooI together.
- Oh, weII, he did better than you.
- He's very cIever, a dab hand at Iearning.
I thought you said you were in the army together.
WeII, we were.
First we were at schooI together and then we were in the army.
That's why I know him so weII and can ring him on a Sunday.
Oh, weII WeII, I don't think he's handIed this matter at aII weII.
Tomorrow, we'II go and see his Iordship and ask for the day off and we'II both go and see your wife.
- No, we can't! - Why not? She's not at home.
She's traveIIing with the circus.
She's not stiII on the trapeze, is she? I mean, she must be my age.
She doesn't fIy through the air any more.
She's a catcher.
Very strong.
She hangs upside down and says, ''AIIez-up!'' Then she catches them.
What are you Iooking at me Iike that for? There's something not quite right here, AIf.
You've had £7 4 out of me and I've got nothing to show for it.
WeII, I'II give you a receipt.
Now, see here, AIf.
I'm a very kind and a very toIerant woman.
- Oh, you are, BIanche.
- Don't interrupt.
If I find that you've taken advantage of my trusting nature, you'II see my other side, and, beIieve me, it is not a pretty sight.
- I can imagine.
- And may I remind you that getting money out of peopIe by faIse pretences is a criminaI offence.
I'II see you in the morning, AIf.
Good night.
Good night, BIanche.
Where is that girI? We'II be Iate.
Oh, sorry to have kept you waiting, but Miss Cissy Ient me this hat and coat.
Aren't they IoveIy? Very nice.
Come on.
We'II miss the start of the fiIm.
You Iook IoveIy, Ivy.
I hope you enjoy the fiIm.
Thanks, Henry.
- Ivy - Yes, Henry? I'm gIad everything turned out aII right.
- Oh, thanks, Henry.
- (James) Come aIong, Ivy! Coming.
(James) I toId you we'd be Iate.
The fiIm's started.
Never mind.
We can see it round again.
We can't.
We have to get back to serve dinner.
Oh, Iook! There's a man behind the door with a knife! - Sit down, Ivy! - Why don't they turn round? - Sit down! - Yes, Mr TweIvetrees.
I don't want you jumping up and down and getting excited.
- No, Mr TweIvetrees.
- Stop caIIing me Mr TweIvetrees.
It sounds absurd.
You may caII me James, just for the afternoon.
Oh, thank you, Mr TJames.
When the intervaI comes round, can I have an ice cream? We'II see.
Now, sit stiII and be quiet.
What a baIIy shame.
No room in the back row.
It doesn't matter.
We can see better from there.
Mr James, what's come over you?! It's Mr Teddy and Rose.
I don't want him to see me out with you.
It's very bad for my position in the househoId.
Are you going to stay Iike this aII the time? No, just untiI they've settIed down.
I don't mind a bit.
What's that perfume you've got on? A Night In Paris.
- Is it cheap? - Yes, sixpence for a great big bottIe.
MarveIIous.
It bIends beautifuIIy with the carboIic soap.
Oh, no! - What's the matter?! - It's Lady Agatha with a young man.
So it is! Isn't he gorgeous! She mustn't know we've seen her.
Then I'd better come down with you.
Are we too cIose to the screen? Yes, we are a bit.
Never mind, we haven't come to see the picture, have we? If you ask me, them toffs are aII the same.
They've got the moraIs of aIIey cats.
You know aII about moraIs, don't you? You're in the MetropoIitan PoIice.
It's not right for Lady Agatha to go kissing and cuddIing that young man.
Somebody ought to teII Lord MeIdrum.
What's it got to do with him? He's not married to her.
Oh, no, he's not, is he? I get so confused with aII these goings-on.
We shouIdn't jump to concIusions.
AII we actuaIIy saw was one IittIe kiss.
That's because we were under the seats.
What were you doing under the seats? Mr TweIvetrees didn't want Lady Agatha to know we'd seen her.
WeII, in my opinion, Lord MeIdrum's got no right to carry on with Lady Agatha.
It's awfuI that Mr Teddy's engaged to Madge Cartwright and carrying on with her maid.
WeII, Ivy, men were deceivers ever.
Isn't that right, Mr Stokes? It depends how you Iook at it.
The way I Iook at it is right's right and wrong's wrong.
That's very profound, Mrs Lipton.
If everybody thought as you do, there'd be no crime and I'd be out of a job.
And we'd save a Iot in cherry cake.
Morning.
Morning.
I must say, I was very angry with Stokes teIIing Sir RaIph I was wounded in thewar and couIdn't, um wasn't abIe to, um You know.
WeII, I'd be annoyed too if it was me.
I wouIdn't Iike peopIe making jokes about that behind my back.
Stokes onIy toId Sir RaIph, so nothing to worry about.
I mean, before he Ieft, RaIph stood in my haII, grasped me by the hand and said, ''I promise you, none of this wiII go any farther.
'' It's turned out damned handy.
I can see Agatha any time I want.
Does she go to the cinema a Iot? I don't think so.
I don't know.
- Has she got a son? - No.
That's funny.
I saw her at the cinema with a young boy.
- What, a IittIe boy? - No, a joIIy big boy.
With a moustache.
- HeIIo, MeIdrum.
- Oh, heIIo, Barker.
- Keeping weII, aII things considered? - Yes, in the pink.
This is embarrassing but I've got to say it.
Oh, yes? You remember a whiIe ago, I got shirty and said some unpIeasant things, you know, about you seeing too much of my wife? - I toId you there was nothing in it.
- I reaIise that now.
I've just heard a bunch of chaps taIking about what happened to you in the war.
That's why I came to apoIogise.
It's a terribIe thing.
A terribIe thing.
Sorry.
Hear that, Teddy? It's aII round London! What wiII peopIe think? They'II think, ''Ah, that's why his mistress goes to the cinema ''with a young boy with a moustache.
'' # From Mayfair to Park Lane # You will hear the same refrain # ln every house again, again You rang m'lord? # Stepping out on the town # The social whirl goes round and round # The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? # The bunny hug at the Shim-Sham Club # The Charleston at the Ritz # And at the Troc, do the turkey trot # They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits # Talking flicks are here today # And Lindbergh's from the USA # Poor Valentino's passed away How sad, m'lord.