Z Rock (2008) s02e05 Episode Script

(acoustic rock music playing) Grand Central Station up to Central Park One last look, 'cause it's getting dark Ooh-ooh In the city Wave to the Statue of Liberty As we head home on the BQE Ooh ooh-ooh-ooh In the city.
I mean, we figured, you know, since you guys are New Yorkers and everything, we thought we'd write a song about the city and all that.
- So, you think Jenny'll like it? - Jenny's gonna love it.
- Do you want to see her picture? - Yeah, sure.
Why not? - Sure.
- Of course.
Let's see.
- Uh, you have anything more recent? - It's a sonogram.
I'm pregnant.
- Jenny's not born yet? - No.
- So when's the party then? - Next week.
How are we supposed to sing to an unborn fetus? - You sing to my tummy.
- Man: Go ahead and show 'em, honey.
(laughs) Okay.
Oh my Lord.
- To her belly.
- Her belly, Paul.
Ooh-ooh In the city.
- That was perfect.
- I sing harmony.
- (siren blaring) - (engine starts) - (rock music playing) - We're a Brooklyn band It's rock 'n' roll we live But to pay the rent We gotta play for kids Yeah! Are you ready? Are you ready to start the show? Z Rock coming Here we go.
Kids: Z Rock! - Take this.
- Oh my God, it's cold.
- I'm freezing out here.
Let's go! - What is that anyway? It's my walkin'-around pork.
- What the hell's walkin'-around pork? - You have your cell phone on you, your keys, your glasses, right? You need a little pork in case of an emergency.
I wish I had a walk-around shotgun.
No, seriously, come on.
This is gonna be a crazy weekend.
Let's do it.
Two nights opening up for Bret Michaels.
Oh, it'll definitely be worth all this hassle.
But what's the best part? - AIl: No Dina! - Yes! Not only that, but of all the shows not to have Dina there, Bret Michaels shows you know what that means, right? That's gonna be all the hot girls.
- Absolutely.
- Oh! - Road trip! Huh? - What are you doing here? You guys are going upstate, opening for Bret Michaels.
I asked the guys if I could come.
They said no.
I showed up anyway.
(chuckles) No.
We figured we have two rooms, right? - Yeah.
- Why waste a bed? - Why would you say that? - Joey: What do you mean? They said we had to bunk up together.
They said you'd be totally cool with that.
Yeah, we had two rooms.
You're not getting a room by yourself.
- So you got Neil.
- (chuckles) Hey, smile, pumpkin.
I'm gonna take you on a tour up there.
- I'm from that area, so - All right, so you - who's staying with him, you or you? - You.
Why me? I didn't even know he was coming.
You're right.
Fair is fair.
Let's play a little game to see who rooms with Neil.
Okay? I'll pick a number from one to 10.
Whoever gets closest to the number rooms with Neil.
- I agree.
This is a good idea.
- That's fair.
Paulie, pick.
- Uh, eight.
- One.
I pick four.
The number was eight.
I always lose this stupid game! Guys, Chappaqua.
- This is where I grew up.
- Paulie: You're from Chappaqua? Yeah.
This is where Westchester gets real up here.
- Real rich, maybe.
- Joey: Look at the size of these houses.
- You don't have any money.
- I don't have any money, - but my dad was a millionaire.
- Bullshit.
- What?! Get out of here.
- Neil: Yeah.
Big hedge-fund guy on Wall Street.
- Paulie: Really? - Yeah.
Paulie: You're not pulling my leg right now? Neil: Not at all, man.
I remember all this.
That's Joe Miller's house right there.
There was a window in his house we could look in you could see his mom getting changed every night.
- Really? - And if you were willing to hang in there for an extra 15 minutes, you could catch his dad.
That's Jimmy Kellerton's house up there.
He used to have this beautiful dog Golden Retriever.
That dog would eat peanut butter off anything.
- (groans) - Well, if you were patient.
Neil: That's Regis Philbin's house down there.
- Dave: Get out of here! - Paulie: What? Right there? - The Regis? - Swear to God.
- I love Regis! - Slow down a little bit - and pull over to the right.
- Paulie: You think we'll see him? Neil: I hope so.
Fuck you, Philbin! - AIl: Oh! - (tires screeching) - What the hell did you do that for? - Gun it! Whoo! - Oh, man! - What's wrong with you? - I feel alive! - Alive?! - Let's go kill a hooker.
- Joey: Oh my God! - Paulie: Where the hell did you get a bat? - This is actually my Little League bat.
Philbin used to be the assistant coach on my Little League team and he called me a fat bitch in front of all my friends.
Regis would never say that! Fat bitch, he called me.
Was that the swing of a fat bitch, Philbin! - Whoo! - We've got to get out of here.
Neil: I have a lot of demons, guys.
A lot of things happened to me in this town, all right? And I'm sorry.
I get a little out of hand sometimes.
In hindsight, I may have overreacted back there.
- Do you think?! - Let me make it up to you.
I'm gonna take you guys to lunch, okay? There's a place, Murphy's, up the road best Irish stew on the Eastern Seaboard, all right? - It's on me.
- Stew? - Neil: Are we good? Friends again? - Joey: No bat though.
Leave the bat here.
Paulie: Yeah, no more shenanigans.
I'm excited to be here, man.
This really brings back a lot of memories.
After every high-school football game, everybody would come out - and eat together.
- That's cool.
- This is where they all came.
- No, they would all go to Dairy Queen.
- But I came here.
I just loved this stew.
- They wouldn't let you go to Dairy Queen? Well, they'd let me but I don't know if I was necessarily welcome.
You were like the outcast when you were young? - I was different.
- I was different.
Yeah? I used to wait around during gym class and steal people's boxers.
I didn't do anything with them.
I just wanted to have them - and smell them.
- (all groan) Suddenly the stew is not so appealing anymore.
- That's Cliff Brenner.
- Who? Neil: Cliff Brenner.
Yeah, I went to grade school and high school with that guy.
It's crazy seeing him here.
I'm gonna go over and say hi.
I can't believe they let a dog in a bar.
- Cliff Brenner? - Neil Latham, right? - Yeah, man.
- Dude, you look amazing.
- Oh, thanks, man.
- You've almost got no stomach now.
No no, my titties just got bigger.
- Is this your dog? - Yeah.
- Oh, he's so cute.
- His name's Smitty.
- Smitty! How old is he? - Smitty's gonna be three tomorrow.
- It's his birthday.
- Really? Yeah.
Getting him some stew.
Every year I get it for him.
He loves the stuff.
Oh man, that's crazy interesting, man.
- (grunts) - Break for it! - Oh my God! - What the fuck do we do? - Run.
Just run.
- (groaning) - Come on, guys! Let's move! - Are you fucking crazy? - What are you, a maniac? - Let's go! Let's go! - Where the fuck is Paulie? - I don't know where he is! Shit! - Come on! - I got the stew! Go! Go! - (tires screech) - You are out of control, you know that? - That was fucking righteous, man! - What the hell is wrong with you? - I floored that bitch! - You knocked that guy out - with one punch.
- What did that guy do to you? Cliff Brenner back in high school, we go away to Cambridge to do a model UN, and this jerk-off throws my top-siders in the Charles River! What the hell is a model UN? It's actually a four-day retreat where a bunch of prep-school students go away and we re-enact the goings-on at the UN - Oh.
- What?! Guys, I'm sorry.
I didn't know it was gonna go down like that, okay? - And we probably should get out of here.
- Yes.
- All right, we're gonna get out of here.
- The sooner the better.
- I'm gonna make one more stop, but - No! No, you're not! Don't freak out, okay? This isn't a bad one.
(bell rings) St.
Michael's Episcopal Church, boys.
Drink it in.
Hand designed by Jesus himself.
That's wonderful.
Speaking of Michaels, can we get to the Bret Michaels show now? No! I have a lot of great memories here.
- Like what? - I was baptized here, my first communion, got my first hand job here from a girl.
- What? - Yeah.
Palm Sunday.
Ironic, right? And we had Palm Tuesday.
We were gonna have Mouth Wednesday, but her parents converted to Judaism.
Oh, yeah, guys, I got wasted here for the first time.
No way.
A little sacramental wine? No no, it was weed.
We got stoned in the sanctuary.
That Bible's pretty awesome when you're baked.
- (laughing) - Oh, you know what? In sixth grade, someone threw eggs at the church.
Father Martin swore it was me.
I had to clean the entire church with a toothbrush.
- It took me four days.
- What? Yeah, they called me "Bristles" for two years.
- Joey: Oh, man.
- Paulie: That's awful.
Well, I already did the time.
Might as well do the crime, right, boys? - Joey: What the hell is that? - Paulie: Hey! - (all shouting) - What are you, nuts? - This is hallowed ground! - I'm not fucking nuts.
- This place ruined my life! - Stop him.
I'll stall this guy.
- Paulie and Dave: Hey! Stop it! - Father! Father! Father! Hold on, I gotta talk to you.
I gotta talk to you, Father.
Please, I gotta unburden my soul, Father.
- Get in there, get in there.
- What the hell is happening here? - May I help you? - Yes, Father, I need to confess.
- I need to get some things off my chest.
- Come in, sit down.
Oh, thank you.
Whoa! Look at this.
- This is beautiful.
Wow.
- Thank you.
Oh my God.
Uh where's Jesus? What do you mean, where's Jesus? You know, the body, the blood, the crown of thorns, - the Jesus I know and love.
- We celebrate the risen Christ, son.
Oh, that's good, 'cause the bloody one scares the hell out of me.
(chuckles) What's your religious belief? Oh, I'm a Catholic, Father, of course.
- Roman Catholic, that is? - No, not Roman, I'm from Sicily.
(chuckles) Well never mind.
Anyway, tell me what your problems are, son.
Well, first, I just broke up with my girlfriend Becky.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear about Becky.
Whoa, Father, we're gonna be all right for the rest of the day, but don't mention that name ever again, please.
Anyway, you know, sometimes when I'm home now, I choke up on the bat a little bit, you know what I mean? - I don't understand.
- I don't know how to put this so you understand.
You know, l I lay my hands upon myself until, you know, until I'm fully anointed.
That's normal for a young, healthy man.
No, you don't understand, I don't want to do it.
But the problem is, I go down to Grastiti's, right? I get myself a little walk-around pork, and the girl at the counter, she scoops up the potato salad, she bends over Father, she's built like a beast, - you know what I'm trying to say? - I think you'll be all right.
Well, no, Father, Father, I have more.
- Clean it up.
- You clean this up right now.
- I'm not cleaning it up! - You are cleaning it up! I already cleaned this whole thing with a toothbrush! Well, you're gonna do it again, you stupid idiot! - Just go clean it.
I'm gonna get the car.
- With what? What am I gonna do? - Here, take this, take this.
Go.
- Where did you get napkins? They're my walking-around napkins.
Go.
- Dude, give me the keys right now.
- All right.
- Hey! - Fuck you, Father Martin! - I'm a wrestling fan.
- Yes.
So at the end of the month they have these pay-per-views.
And my cousin Charlie hooked me up with this box and I get the pay-per-views for free now.
You're not stealing, are you? (stammers) Mm I'm not stealing.
Charlie stole the box, but he gave it to me as a gift, so I don't really consider that stealing.
- So what's the problem then? - No no, Father, please, sit.
Sit sit sit.
I got plenty more.
- A stranger is touching me! - Come on! This is hard enough.
There's a stranger touching me right now! - Dave, what are you doing! - Give me Get the fuck off I didn't have a charmed childhood like you, Dave.
I'm going through some shit and I'm trying to figure it out.
- What are you talking about? - Haven't you ever wanted to punch someone in the face who fucked with you? - Yeah, right now! - You make me feel really welcome here.
- Thank you.
- I feel at peace.
I hope so.
I gotta confess some stuff for real.
Yes? Ever since I got here, my friend Neil, he's been terrorizing this town.
- How so? - Oh Jeez, where do I start? He destroyed private property.
- Really? - He actually just egged the church outside.
- What? - I made him clean it up.
Father, I promise you, I swear.
Jeez, I swear to God.
I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I had to tell somebody.
Thank you.
You're a very good boy.
And I think what you just have to do is relax and all these things will take care of themselves - in due time.
- Should I say some Hail Marys? We don't say Hail Marys here, but if that's what you like - That's my favorite.
- How many would you like to say? - Five? 10? - I mean the Grastiti's girl alone deserves 10.
I think at least 12, 13, right? Say 12, an even dozen.
I don't know if this is gonna be insulting to you, but I'm Italian.
I gotta express myself the way we do it.
Come here.
I gotta lean in for the real thing.
(pastor chuckling) Oh.
All right, Father, thank you so much.
Thank you, Father.
I feel better already.
Come back any time, I'll be very happy to talk to you again.
Thank you, Father.
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.
By the way, Mary, I love what you're doing with this Episcopalian thing.
It's phenomenal.
Give me the keys to the car right now.
We have to get to this Bret Michaels show - and I don't want to get in trouble for this.
- I'm throwing two more! - Would you please stop right now? - No, I'm not gonna fucking stop now.
- (siren beeps) - Dave: Look at this.
- Fuck! - God Almighty.
Officer, I'm so happy you're here.
Yeah, we got a report of vandalism.
You guys know anything about that? Yeah, I do.
This guy's vandalizing my chest and balls.
Is that supposed to be funny? I can't believe you called the cops on me! - Cop: Come on, let's go.
- You dirty rat! At least a Catholic priest knows how to keep his mouth shut! Holy shit! Father Martin! Latham! You scumbag! I knew it was you.
Look what you're doing to my church! - Okay, that's it.
- I fucking nailed him.
- You two, you're coming - That ain't gonna wash off with no toothbrush! Whoo! (laughs) - Cop: Come on, step it up, guys.
- Yeah, we're coming.
- (guys grumbling) - We don't have all day.
- Paulie: Guys, this is a mistake.
I know - White bread? Get out of here.
- Dave: This is ridiculous.
- Officer, you don't understand.
- You're making a huge mistake here.
- Oh, are we? Yeah.
Don't Thank you.
Um, I have a phone call, right? - I get a phone call? - Give him his phone call.
Thank you.
Okay.
Wait.
Hold on, hold on.
Hold that.
Don't let 'em eat it, please.
Guys, one phone call take care of everything, all right? - Don't worry.
- Come on.
- You believe this shit? - Are you kidding? - This is your fault we're in here! - If you didn't rat us out, man, we wouldn't be here right now.
I'm no rat.
That fucking priest is the rat.
Guys, come on.
Let's lighten this up a little bit.
We got free running water, heat, a roof over our heads, enough beds for three or four of us just to hang out, do each other's hair and talk about boys.
- You are really demented, you know that? - No, I'm just saying Think outside the box.
This this is our window to the world.
And how many chances will I get to be in jail with my good friends Tan-man and Wonder Girl? - You know I'm not happy, right? - I do.
(dialing) (ringing) Come someone get John Travolta's left testicle out of here, please? - It's in the way! - (phone ringing) - Yeah? - Yeah, hi.
It's Paulie Z.
I told you never to use this number.
It's the only number you gave me.
It's the only number I got, but you're never supposed to use it.
Look, I have some really bad news.
We're not gonna be able - to make the show tonight - What the fuck are you talking about - you're not playing? - There was a major pile-up on the highway.
And there was a truck, and the truck fell.
And then there was a lady under the truck.
And then Dave and I had to lift the truck.
And then she said her cat was in there, so we had to get the cat.
- It was crazy.
- If you don't show up to this gig, you will never work for Bret Michaels again.
Do you fucking understand me? I have a solution.
Don't jump to conclusions.
Just have Pete and the boys from Evick let them open for Bret tonight and then tomorrow we'll be there.
Don't tell me who I will put on with Bret ever.
No no, I'm not telling you.
I'm just I'm suggesting.
I'm I'm a suggestion kind of guy.
I'll tell you what, if you are playing tomorrow, you ain't getting paid.
That's fair.
Don't p you don't have to pay us.
- How about just food? - Maybe a bagel.
Okay.
Bagels are cool.
And do you have bialys? What the fuck is a bialy? - You don't know what a bialy is? - Just make sure you get your ass - down here tomorrow.
- Fair enough.
There's one more thing.
There's a place called Murphy's.
Man: It's got amazing Irish stew.
Bret loves it.
If you bring it here, he may forgive you and there may be a future for you guys playing with him again, all right? But don't forget to bring the stew.
Are you kidding me? Murphy's Irish stew? 100%.
I'll get some for Bret.
I'll get some for you.
I'll get some for everybody.
Irish stew on me.
Don't fuck it up.
I said get rid of the disco ball, jerk-off! This is awful.
I mean, all I want to do is get to the show and open up for Bret.
Is that too much to ask? Here he is.
- Well? - Well what? I took care of it like I said I was going to.
- Really? - Yes.
That's what I do.
I take care of shit.
- We're out? - No.
We got the show for tomorrow with Bret secured.
Good.
Well, what do we do about tonight? - We're still stuck in this hellhole.
- It's a holding cell.
- This is not jail.
- We're in Chappaqua.
- How bad could it be? - We'll be out in the morning.
- What - Hello.
Here.
Does that prove my point? There's a businessman in the cell with us.
- (chuckles) - Give me your balogna sandwich.
Get out of here, you geek - Give me your balogna sandwich - Whoa! or I'll stick this fucking shiv in your spinal cord! - All right.
- Thank you.
What the fuck are you doing? You don't know where you're at so don't run your mouth.
The businessmen here will split you from your ball sack to your nipples.
Learn your surroundings before you start running your yap.
Now don't worry.
I'm from this area so I can probably go work this out, okay? - Hold my balogna sandwiches.
- Buddy, a second if I may.
Why don't you do me and yourself a favor, give my friend back his balogna sandwich - and take a nap? - It's my balogna sandwich now.
But I will make you a deal.
I'll give you the balogna sandwich, if you give me Pale Rider over there for half an hour in my captain's quarters.
Yeah.
I mean, I see where you're going with that, man, but I can't let it happen.
Those are my friends.
So I'm just gonna grab this sandwich and go.
I'm gonna turn your dick into a balogna sandwich if you don't get your hand off that Ziploc bag right now.
Well, that would solve our shortage- of-balogna-sandwich problem.
Hey buddy, I'm trying to save your ass from getting in a situation you're not gonna know how to get out of.
Oh, I can get myself out of any situation.
See, l I don't think you know who I am, - so I'll just tell you.
- I don't give a shit who you are.
I'm Neil Latham.
- Yeah.
- L I'm sorry, man.
- L I didn't realize.
- That's all right.
Apologize to my friends.
I am sorry I took your sandwich.
- It's yours now.
I wanted - It's too wordy.
Just say you're sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- All right, pumpkin, hop up.
- Yep.
- Hit Daddy's shoulders.
It's been a long day.
Oh, by the way, if you throw me two packs of cigarettes, I'll give you a five-minute dance with V for Vendetta over there.
- Yeah? - Deal.
Dave, I'm gonna make you dance with our new friend over here for five minutes because you need to learn a lesson about whining.
- Thanks, Neil.
- Dave: Are you serious? Go collect your prize.
- Thank you.
- Neil: We need some music.
Paulie, give me some "Dirty Water.
" What do you mean give you "Dirty Water"? - What does that mean? - Sing "Dirty Water"! - She dreams in red - And you air-drum it! - What? - Air-drum it! And use your brushes.
We're in tight quarters.
I never realized, yeah Just how much You mean to me (rock music playing) Dirty water - (gavel hammers) - Mr.
Z, I see you've waived your right - to an attorney? - Yes.
There's a saying, "He who represents himself has a fool for a client.
" I have three fools, so I think I'm good.
- Continue.
- Okay.
Your Honor, look at my client over there, Mr.
Neil Latham.
It's obvious he did not have an easy childhood.
Case number one Regis Philbin.
What did he call you? - He called me a fat bitch.
- Fat bitch! - (gavel hammering) - (crowd murmuring) - He's not a bitch.
- Can can I just go to jail? Neil, I need your help.
Okay, what about the second case? Okay? We're at Murphy's and a man walks in with a dog.
Forget the fact that my client punched him.
How about the fact that he was in a business residence with a dog? That's against the law, my friends.
Third instance the church.
He egged the church.
He egged the minister.
- (crowd gasps) - But do you know what Father Martin did to Neil when he was a kid? He made him clean the church with a toothbrush.
Now I ask you, is that religious? Is that what God and Jesus and the other people in the scene with that hay and stuff is that what they wanted? And we suffered.
We missed a Bret Michaels show, Your Honor! You like Poison, no? "Unskinny Bop"? Are you finished? Almost.
What I'm trying to say is that we missed a show and we have a show tonight.
We can't miss that show too.
That could be the end of our career.
And for everything that Neil has went through, I think he was justified.
That's the key-word here, people.
I'm talking about justice meeting injustice and injustice being rectified by justice.
So by the power invested in me, uh, by the state of Brooklyn, I rest my case.
You may now kiss the bride.
Thank you.
Judge: That was a nice performance you just put on.
I'm inclined to drop the charges against you guys.
- (crowd murmuring) - But unfortunately, you rolled into this town Mr.
Latham and he is a menace to society.
Since you came here with him, we have to put you all away.
You'll do six months waiting for a trial date.
- If convicted, you'll get two to five years - What?! No no! God, no! Please! - Lord, no! God! - That is my final decision.
You Honor, pardon me.
May I approach? Man: Who the hell is that guy? (all chattering) Paulie: Fuck! - (gavel hammers) - All right, gentlemen.
I want to send you to jail, but an important member of out community has interceded on your behalf.
So I'm gonna wipe your records clean in exchange for some community service.
You can shove community service up your ass! - (gavel hammers) - I'll do a nickel - standing on my fucking head! - Watch your language, Neil! - I'm sorry, Daddy.
- Daddy? Well, there's a lot of things I probably did too.
And I might have to apologize for calling you a big fat manatee, tying you to that chair in the basement, flinging peanut butter at you Papa.
See you at Christmas.
I love you.
I like you a lot.
(crowd chattering) Thank God we're not going to jail.
Thank God.
What could they possibly want us to do for community service? Joey: This is ridiculous.
What are we supposed to do? Play "In the City" and just trust me.
I'm gonna change the lyrics a little bit, all right? - Let's go.
- I don't know "In the City.
" You just play this in time.
- Ready? - Go.
Gonna go smash a mailbox or two Then we'll head to Murphy's for some Irish stew Ooh-ooh Happy birthday, Smitty Father Martin got an egging But it's not our fault Now the judge booked us all for assault Ooh-ooh Happy birthday, Smitty Yeah! And sorry for punching you in the face.
Now blow out your stew, buddy! Paulie: I don't believe this.
We're gonna miss the Bret Michaels gig 'cause we had to play a birthday party for a dog.
Joey: Drive faster! Paulie: Oh thank God, Bret's bus is still here.
Maybe we can still make it.
Neil: See? All problems worked out.
All right, let's get the gear.
- Paulie: Oh, whoa whoa! - Joey: Go go go! Shit.
Wait! Bret, come back! I've got the stew! (rock music playing) Man: One, two, three! Kids: Z Rock!