A Black Lady Sketch Show (2019) s02e06 Episode Script

- Come on, green dress! - Thanks, Ally! Come on, brand new red shoes! Appreciate you, girl.
NordStroms.
Jumpsuits! Let's go, jumpsuit! You better romp! Go off, connected top and bottom! - Come on, somebody! - Amen! No! It's lit! - Yeah, we are! - We lit! Hey, cute sweater! You're on fire, girl! Thank you! Let's go! Come through, ladies! Ally's right! We look too cute to eat inside.
Let's go out for lunch.
Yes, let's go to When Pigs Fry.
I love a lunchtime rib.
Yes! I'm a vegan, but I still be eating ribs.
Nasty, nasty! Okay! Come through, fire alarm! I hear you giving me better-late-than-never, lemme-make-sure-this-is-a-real-fire and-not-just-a-drill energy! Fire alarm, sis.
I'mma head out.
But you keep doing you, okay? Tell them that's what's going on.
It's a fire in here.
I hear you.
Bye, sis! This is the asbestos fire I ever seen.
Look at this building, talking about smoke, wind, and fire! Y'all my favorite band! A BLACK LADY SKETCH SHOW You know where I'm President? My fly-ass, apocalypse-proof house.
And I know you all don't believe me, but it is real, okay? And guess who's going back there? Me and only me! So good luck surviving without the cool one! Honestly, fine.
I don't have to live like this.
I can go create my own country.
And when you're all ready to admit that I'm right, you can apply for visas.
And guess what? The process is very long and needlessly complicated.
Fine! I'm out.
Just like Beyonce said, it's gon' be me, myself, and I'mma be my own best friend! Good idea! You all leave.
Let me workout in peace.
Can I stay? I like to work out.
I've never tried it, but it sounds cool.
- We start at 4 AM sharp.
- I'll do whatever it takes.
All I wanted was for us to be together like a family! Cut the sister act, Whoopi Goldberg! I didn't want things to end like this! Everything ends like this! Xscape, The Beatles, B2K.
I used to be the strategic bandana placement officer for B2K! Shut up! Now we screaming at people to shut up? What is this? My childhood? No, we all should just pack our shit.
And yes, I came with nothing, and I'm leaving with something.
You wanted family? You want some family? Well, that's what it's like! Yeah, look, things did not go according to plan out there tonight.
But I'll take some questions.
Go ahead.
Olivia, hi.
Laura James, Skins Weekly.
Tough date tonight.
Can you tell us what went wrong? Yeah, everything.
I mean, you guys saw it.
I was too focused on rebounding and not enough on scoring.
Next! Omega Bell, DTF Sports.
This was your first time going head to head with Team Terrell.
Can you walk us through your strategy? My strategy was to play hard to get.
I waited a regulation three days before returning his text.
But obviously, Terrell is a tough competitor, and he really stuck with his game plan.
Briana Payne, Ding-a-ling Digest.
How would you say Terrell stacked up against other players, like Trent or Corey or Kevin or Steve or Mike.
Or James or Tommy or Tom? - Bubba.
- And a lot of dates.
Trent and Corey were both above 6'3", so with Terrell, I initially felt under-matched.
Earlier in your career, you'd come right out and try to smash your opponents.
Tonight, you took it easy.
Why? At the end of the day, I'm used to shooting my shot, you know? But Terrell came out, and he's such a seasoned vet, It just didn't seem smart to try to take it straight to the hole.
Laura James, Skins Weekly.
Let's talk stats.
You had a few fouls tonight.
Let's talk about your reach-in foul where you pretended to go for the check.
I think the ref made a tough call there, okay? It was clear that my opponent came to pay tonight.
Olivia, you were almost ejected from the restaurant for yelling at a waiter.
Do you think it was your temper that cost you the date tonight? I would say that Terrell's negging put me on the defense, talking about some, "I usually date models, but you cool".
Fans know I play with a lot of heart, and I'm not proud of what I did out there tonight.
No one is talking about the ref's bullshit calls, okay? My opponent clearly drooled over his meal twice! That was double dribbling! With a loss like this Sorry.
Laura James, Skins Weekly.
What does this mean for the rest of the cuffing season? It doesn't look great.
But I'm hoping I can turn everything around and end the season with a ring.
With loss after loss, you still think marriage is on the table for you, personally? You do? My sources are telling me that you've been considering switching to another team.
Are you thinking about a crossover to women? I've taken a lot of lickings in my career.
And I'm always open to strapping on a new uniform.
Olivia.
Who are these people? You told me you was going to the bathroom.
Terrell! Who was you afraid of? Go ahead.
Terrell, you had turnover after turnover tonight.
Care to comment? What can I really say? I really just love pastries, man.
Next question.
You were called out for being on your phone multiple times.
Were you expressing interest in other teams? No, no, not at all.
She kept using words that I didn't know, so I was on Google.
It was nothing but net.
What does this game mean for both your teams moving forward? Me, personally, I was focusing on scoring in the fourth quarter.
But I in definitely think I can bring some more D in overtime, if you're down.
Yes, and I've been working on my ball-handling.
It's not so rough anymore.
- So it ain't gon' hurt.
- It might.
Are those your baby hairs? Were you inspired by Omarion? Crystal! Are you wanted for murder, girl? Because you killing them in that jumpsuit! - This jumpsuit? - Yes, that jumpsuit! - Where'd you get it? - Girl, it's vintage.
But thank you, Fantasia! Of course, it is.
You always find all the cute stuff, and you know how hard that is in our size.
Don't I though? Don't you hate when you find something that would've been cute until they added the leopard print, ruffles, or leopard print ruffles? I am not trying to dress like my mama's couch! Halle! I'm so glad you made it! You think I'd miss my girl's first housewarming? You made it very clear our presence was mandatory.
That's a really cute jumpsuit, Halle.
Thank you, girl.
You know I love my some ASOS.
Guess I'm not the only one! Twinsies! Not really.
You know, hers is vintage, right, Crystal? Vintage.
Well, vintage looks good on you! Thank you, Halle.
First off, I just want to thank everyone for coming to my housewarming.
So we just gon' act like y'all not wearing the same jumpsuit? Fantasia, chill.
So the jumpsuits look alike.
So what? They don't just look alike.
They're identical.
Y'all could switch at summer camp.
They're Parent Trapping y'all.
Move on dot org.
It's not the same jumpsuit.
Anyway, as I was saying, now that I live alone, the thing that I'm looking forward to most is getting to walk around naked.
I've lived with her, and having a roommate has never stopped her from walking around naked.
I want to see the tag.
Well, if it's not the same jumpsuit, then it won't have the same tag.
We want to see the tag.
We don't, Fantasia.
We just came here to judge her throw pillows, be nice to her sister with a Sephora discount, and get out of here.
What's wrong with my throw pillows? They're vintage.
Like the jumpsuit.
Liar! Okay, you know what, don't believe me? Here! Check the tag.
It's gone.
There is no tag.
Thank you, Tarni.
And if there are no further questions, Annalise Keating, we can No.
She lied about where she got the jumpsuit.
Y'all didn't think that she thought to cut the tag out? I mean, come on! Plus, ASOS hasn't even been around long enough to be considered vintage.
According to Wikipedia, ASOS was founded June of 2000.
Really, Tasha? You too? Everybody, stop being nice to my sister.
Sephora let her go.
Also, according to Wikipedia, an item starts being vintage once it's twenty years old.
How long has it been? It's been 21 years! Y'all should not need calculators for that! It's very disappointing.
If she bought it from ASOS, it would've come in one of those composition-printed bags.
Everybody, check the trash.
No! Hey, stop it! This is ridiculous.
Respect me! I am a homeowner! Okay, you know what? Here.
Fine, here's the bag.
I lied, okay? - Are you happy now? - I knew it.
So what, Fantasia? You of all people should know what it feels like to always end up at the party dressed like the other big girl.
And then here comes someone talking about, "y'all have to take a picture", talking about some twins.
I am so tired of going to the mall, and hovering over a table of 8s and 10s, hoping they'll magically merge into an 18.
Nobody makes cute clothes for us! And when they do, everybody jumps on it.
Like Soya! Look at her! Trying to skinnily sneak out of the party.
We can see you.
You're not that skinny! Shop in your own section! It don't look cute baggy? - Way to ruin the party, Soya.
- Okay, lesson learned.
You know what? I am tired of talking about this damn jumpsuit! You want it so bad? Here.
Girl! We got the same one! Goddamnit! Anybody else got my shit on? Y'all want to copy me so bad, copy my bad oral hygiene! I need thirteen root canals right now.
Copy my financial illiteracy.
I've only been in this house three weeks, and I am already under water.
Who's trying to copy that shit? Fuck! That's for Kimmie and me.
And for my girl, of course! Happy birthday, Bernice! Here's mine.
All ones because I had a good night at the club! Thanks, y'all! I know some of y'all only half-employed, but I appreciate you throwing me this dinner.
What? Did Tony use his Terrance Howard math again? - That's what we doing now? - Actually, we're good.
You sure? 'Cause I forgot to give my kids their lunch money today so I could pitch in.
No, girl.
It's your birthday.
And also, we are right on the money, tip and everything.
Greetings, wise and math-tastical ones! I am the get down with the markdown, the get up with the pay up, and the price is always right, Genie of the check! You may call me Sir Charge.
What the fuck was in these drinks? Old Mello Yello and a leftover Zima! Zima's weird.
I'm sorry, are we not gonna acknowledge that this blue nigga just popped out of the check? In the history of the world, there has never been a group of Black people who have split a check with such precision.
What? You mean, never ever? Even the real women from "Hidden Figures" couldn't calculate the correct appetizer sharing ratio.
Just call me Bobby Brown 'cause I'm doing that new addition.
And due to your numerical dexterity, I will grant ya one wish.
- Man, get the fuck out of here! - As you wish.
- No! - I'm sorry.
That's not what I meant.
Very well.
Because you have finally released me from me prison, I'll let that one slide.
But from now on, you must choose your words wisely because once your wish is granted, you don't get another.
I'm sorry.
There's a genie in Outback.
Steakhouse.
I know, right? You'd think he'd be at Spago's.
Anyway, how about you guys take one for the team and we use the wish to get me my dream man? You being selfish! We need to wish for something that's good for all of us, okay? How about rain that doesn't mess up our hair? - That's a good idea! - That's not for all of us.
Precipitation and my Boris Kodjoe get along just fine.
So y'all need to learn how to wish.
That's what's wrong with y'all females.
Females?! I wish a nigga would call us "females" again.
No, no, no! That's a wish! You're good! I may be blue, but I am a Black genie.
So I'm very familiar with the wish/would exception.
We really gon' talk about wishes, we should wish for my favorite pair of Jays in every single colorway, past and future, and for my album to go platinum.
- What album? - Every nigga got an album.
Every nigga got an album.
How about we wish for no kids? Don't tell my kids.
Well, it is Bernice's birthday.
So if we're not gonna get me Reginald VelJohnson, we might as well get her her little wish.
- That's fair.
- No kids works for me.
Very well.
Wait.
We didn't sing Happy Birthday to our girl! Everybody! Happy birthday to you! Y'all don't sing the Stevie version? Your wish is revoked! - This is your fault! - Yeah, good job, Tony.
- Now I have to keep my kids! - Now she has to keep her kids! That's on you.
You shouldn't have your kids.
- No, it's on you.
- I'm not the daddy of them kids.
Man, this whole thing fell apart.
I know.
I'm sad they're leaving too.
I mean, maybe we can fix this.
I don't think we can.
Sometimes you just got to throw the whole thing away.
You and I are the reasonable ones.
If you think about it, Ashley's the one who created all this drama with the whole president thing.
Ashley, you and I are the reasonable ones.
And really, Robin's the one who created all this drama.
You should do another one of those smart speeches we all love and get the crew back together.
I already tried to educate these people.
There's only so much I can do.
I didn't leave room for food.
But I'm not leaving Ta-Nehisi Coates behind.
The new world will have critical race theory and beautiful prose.
Girl, you can have books and food if you stay.
It'll be like one of those cute little cafes.
Let's go talk to Gabrielle.
You know she doesn't actually want to be president.
She's basically like allergic to responsibility.
Am I right? Gabrielle, you're like the most responsible person here.
Wine based currency? Genius! You can totally be the one to convince everyone that the smartest thing to do is stay.
I really should've learned how to make wine before the end of the world.
Well, I will just have to carry as much as I can.
Come on.
Do you really think that's practical? You should absolutely just stay here.
I just keep having to save y'all from y'all selves.
Her duplicitous ass has been double speaking this whole time.
Y'all don't hear that? It's mad echo-y in here.
She lying, lying, lying.
Robin, just stop.
Stop, stop, stop.
Ladies, enough! It is far too early for us to be losing our minds.
We have to look out for each other.
We have to have each other's backs.
We're all we got.
It's just us.
Word, Melania? We stealing speeches now? I gave that exact same speech in my dream.
Brandy sings first! She brought the boy up.
You don't do that if you're the side chick.
That's wifely positioning.
The boy is indeed hers.
Brilliant final argument, Phoebe.
Temi, your turn.
Monica also said, "What we have you can't take".
"Have," possession, nine tenths of the law, it appears then that Monica was in the possession of the boy at the time of recording.
You've both made excellent final arguments.
But see, I'm still unsure as to whom the boy belongs.
And despite my pending brunch plans, I also couldn't determine a clear winner in our previous rounds, sugar versus salt in grits, Biggie versus Tupac, and Vicks VapoRub versus all of western medicine.
So we're gonna move along to the final tie breaker round.
And you all will be taking on the greatest Black debate ever.
I've been waiting my whole life for this.
We're coming for that W.
For this final round, there is only one correct answer.
And a reminder that my brunch starts at two.
- That's just lunch.
- Somebody don't want a scholarship.
Okay, ladies, please have your representatives come to the podium.
Okay, here we go.
Actor Denzel Washington won an Academy Award for Best Actor in 2001 for his role as Detective Alonzo Harris in "Training Day", technically.
But we all know that was an apology Oscar for all the times he didn't win and he should have.
Please make a case for the role Denzel should've won for.
That's money! And you can't say "Malcolm X".
My aunties just slap-boxed over this very debate last week.
Miriam, you're up first.
Go! Cool.
Y'all gon' love this.
Watch me work.
Denzel Washington, legendary thespian and King of Blacks, should've won the Oscar for Damn! What's it called? What's the one that he's like really fine in? All of them? Well, yes, but he's fine in the past in this one.
You know, it's a period piece.
He's serving that mid-century drip.
"The Great Debaters"! She can't just call out! This is a debate, not "Family Feud".
If this is gonna get us to a clear winner as soon as possible, I'll allow it.
Okay, what's the one with the racism? "Remember the Titans"! No.
Racism plus mustache.
Come on, you know it! Remember we watched it at your house when we had to babysit your little cousin 'cause her daddy was gon' be home late.
And we was eating bagel bites.
We was watching the movie, I was like, "Damn, Denzel looked mad fine in these post war clothes".
And you were like, "Eh, I prefer him modern".
And I was like, "He look fine no matter what".
'Member? You remember all that, but you don't remember the name of the movie? "Devil in a Blue Dress".
"Devil in a Blue Dress"! That's where I got my suspenders fetish.
Natalia, it's your turn.
It is of my opinion that Mr.
Denzel Washington, esteemed actor, should've won for his performance in not "Malcolm X", but a different Spike Lee joint.
And it is called Oh my God! What's it called? - "Flight"? - No.
That's not it.
"The Color Purple"! She's cheating! She has IMDB open! Wait, wait, wait.
You have IMDB open, and you didn't even know Denzel is not in "The Color Purple"? I should deduct a point for that.
Can we please move forward so I can give two of y'all a scholarship and get out of here? Okay, Denzel Washington has played many a character, but the role for which he should've won an Oscar is one that we all thoroughly enjoyed.
It is when he played a military man who had immense rage and quiet sensitivity all in one body.
He already won a supporting Oscar for "Glory".
Disqualified! "The Equalizer".
The Oscar should've gone to Denzel for "The Equalizer".
An impressive argument, and one with which I can find no fault, except for the fact that that film came out 13 years after "Training Day".
The correct answer is the character of Detective John Hobbes in the 1998 film, "Fallen".
Are you serious? "Fallen"? Well, look at your fallen faces.
That's what you get for taking too long.
I'm out! Only got paid 25 dollars for this anyway.
Where's my mimosa? See, look, I can pick any song from my library and play it over that wireless speaker system.
The government is using Sonos speakers to spy on us.
Look it up! Girl! Why you look so tired? You're sick? What you got, that, global warming? I'm not about to do this with you today, Ma.
When you gon' stop playing around with that natural stuff and get yourself a perm like you got some sense? When you get some hair that don't come with tags, Aunt Bev.
You gain weight? You look fat.
You lose some weight? You're wasting away.
I think you look amazing, baby.
Who asked you? If she looks so amazing, why don't you marry her? You been shacking up with my daughter for five years.
I'm sorry.
I'm still trying to work this sound system.
You know I love me some "Poison"! Michael "Bivin" finger popped me at the food mart back in '89.
So you know I got to dance whenever I hear "Poison".
Watch out, Grandma Ruby! Looking good! Are you still going to that non-denominational, service-is-only-two-hours, come-as-you-are church? I can tell you weren't covered by the blood, didn't even cover your neck! Out here dressed like the Devil's mistress.
You know what? Y'all better stop it.
Just stop it.
The song got me out here acting all worldly and whatnot.
You know I'm celibate! Can't let the government get my DNA.
Hey, yo, Detric, good to see you! I didn't think you was gonna make it.
- Word? - Why you say that for? 'Cause the last time I seen him, he was with this bad shorty at P.
F.
Chang's happy hour last week.
Shorty was stacked like Legos.
Shorty was thicker than frozen grits.
God damn, my nigga! Yeah! I'm sorry.
What shorty? Stop, Detric! What shorty? Boy, you are in trouble.
- Stop, boy! - We know what you doing! Quit playing the beginning of "Poison" and answer my question, negro! I'll answer your question when you explain why I found a lease agreement in your purse last week.
When was you going to tell me you were moving out? What? - Y'all play too much! - I never liked him.
I'll whoop all y'all asses.
You know, used to be called Uncle Wendell and Maze.
But I realized there was more money in aluminum siding.
What the fuck, Skye? How did you know I said that? I didn't.
Those were my words.
My original words.
They were good words.
No, no, no, no, no.
This is nuts.
I can't let her go out there by herself.
I'll miss you all.
I'll miss you guys too.
Oh, man.
That sounds tough.
Is that tough for you guys? Man, I'm so not ready to lose y'all.
What the shit? Oh, God! Somebody's fucking watching us! And why is Ashley subject number one? I have thought about joining OnlyFans, but not to get naked.
Just to read scriptures.
Were you inspired by Omarion? Do you go when you get braided?