Absolutely Fabulous (1992) s02e06 Episode Script

Fire! Mum, wake up, fire! Fire Service, please.
34 Claremont Avenue, London W11 4BS.
Thank you.
Come on, let's wait outside.
- Mum, come on, there's a fire in the kitchen.
- I'm just putting something on.
We're gonna die if we don't get out.
It doesn't matter what you wear.
I just hate all my clothes.
Why have I never got anything to wear? What shall I put on? I'm just so fat, fat, fat, fat.
- Why won't my cells stop multiplying? - Mum, there is a fire downstairs! We must evacuate the building now! Easy for you to say, you've got a bloody uniform! - It's nice that you Where did you get those? - That's about it, then.
- What could've caused it? - Could've been a cigarette.
- Patsy! - Where was she? She couldn't be down there.
She'd never let six grown men out alive.
She can't be Patsy! She inhaled our kitchen! I just nodded off.
# This wheel's on fire, # Rolling down the road # Best notify my next of kin # This wheel shall explode # - Hello.
- Shoes off, sweetie.
Shoes off.
Hello, darling.
Sit.
- You should do something about Patsy.
- What do you mean? - Send her to a clinic before she kills us all.
- She's been to a clinic.
They didn't have enough room for the toxic waste they pumped out of her.
Even Japan refused to take it.
She's been dried out.
It made absolutely no difference.
- Pats! - Hello, Eddie.
It's a beautiful day out there.
The sun's so bright it's almost blinding, like shards of glass piercing the clouds.
Every second of my journey here is in my memory.
I feel fantastic.
Champagne? Oh, yeah, thanks.
If Pats wanted to do something about it, she would.
Give me a hand.
- What are you doing? - Throwing out all my clothes.
- Why? - For insurance, er - It's fire damage, darling.
- I could take this down to the charity shop.
You cannot give these sort of clothes to the poor.
Surely they have enough to contend with without the humiliation of wearing last season's.
Why would you buy something and not wear it? I don't know.
Is this The Krypton Factor? Should I do the obstacle course now? - Have you made a decision about the kitchen? - No, but I will.
We should change it.
I was bored of the old one.
Damn! They could do this room, too.
I hate Japanese now.
This was your dream.
I wondered how long it'd last.
I'm fed up with stubbing my toe on everything, sweetie.
And getting down on a futon is one thing, but getting up is quite another.
It's lucky everything's at ground level.
I can get to it just by rolling.
Look.
Put those in there.
Help your mama up.
- Are you going out tonight? - Yes.
- Good.
I've got friends coming round.
- Then definitely! We've got to watch a documentary on TV.
Oh, all right.
What is it that's different about you today? What is it? You've got the top button open.
What are we calling this? A blouse, a blouse.
- Have your shoulder pads slipped? - Stop it! You're becoming a bit of a big girl, aren't you? Oh, that'll be the swatches.
Don't take any of those clothes to the homeless while I'm downstairs.
I haven't forgotten that time I was accosted by that deranged down-and-out meths drinker who leapt out of a cardboard box wearing a Vivienne Westwood catsuit and Chanel mules.
- Still haven't recovered from that, sweetie.
- Only because he looked better in them.
I like them all.
I like every picture.
I like, I want, I want.
Every picture in here.
I want people to think I'm all these types of thing, you know.
- I know it should reflect my personality - God forbid.
Sweetie, this is it style-wise - Irish crofter's cottage.
Mum, it's a kitchen.
It needs a cooker, not a peat-fired oven.
Can't be bothered to think about it now.
Well, when? We can't go on living in this room like this.
House not big enough for you? Let me see what I can do.
Hang on.
No, sweetie, no.
It's as big as it gets, darling.
It's not big enough for you to hog the room with your friends to watch dull, nil-rated narrated doco.
- Stop it! - I rather like it.
It's a bit like the war, dear.
- Like the war? - Leave it, Mum.
What do you mean it's a bit like the war? Without the drab fashion, the powdered egg, the rationing, the bombing without the war.
It's a bit like the war without the war! You always have to say something, you can't let anything just go by! I can, I can.
Mum, I want Channel 4.
You're going out, aren't you? Mum? Am I allowed to open my mouth? Am I allowed to open my mouth? If I am, then yes, I'm going out when Patsy gets here.
Oh, it's just news.
Can't we have MTV? - No, I don't want to miss it.
- What's it about, dear? - Well, in layman's term - Sex, is it? - The beginnings of life.
Conception to birth.
- Birth has changed so much since my day.
- What do you mean it's changed? - They whip you into hospital, no questions asked, and take your tonsils out as a precaution.
- We're much more relaxed these days.
- We? Are we? In my day they could incarcerate you in a high-security asylum - just for not having a whiter-than-white wash.
- Gran.
Yes, dear, and in those days it was the bromide sedatives or ECT.
- What's ECT? - Electric shock treatment, dear.
It's all highly addictive.
I still can't pass a plug socket without the urge to put my finger in.
Well, I wish you would.
Don't be so impressed with her, anyway, sweetie, darling.
Darling.
Sweetie, darling.
Sweetie-darling.
Sweetie-darling.
You don't mind me calling you that, sweetie-darling? It's hard to break a habit like that after so many years.
It started because you couldn't remember my name for the first three years.
Don't be ridiculous.
You didn't have a name for the first four.
It.
Thing.
Thing-It.
Kettle Crisps? Kettle Crisps? You don't normally have these for your friends.
There's always some dried old pumpkin seeds and a pack of Golden Wonder.
I can feel one of my heads coming on.
Have you any aspirin? Or some of that homophobic remedy you gave me last time? - Homeopathic.
I'll get them.
- You knew that.
We're not amused.
- What are you doing here? - Just keeping Saffy company, dear.
She doesn't need your sort of old woman company.
You're a burden to her.
Hang out with some people your own age for once.
Hopefully she'll get horribly lonely and find a life.
Why are these bottles all empty? They were in your room.
- I was very sick last night, darling.
- All of them? Well, I was hungry! It was the only thing that didn't have calories in it.
- Eddie! - Here she is, the human barbecue.
- Are we going out, Eddie? - Yes.
Do you want a little drink first? - I'll just nip home and get an aspirin.
- Good.
You have to lock the door with the key until we get it replaced.
I think I can manage that.
Give it to her! - It's Top of the Pops.
We've got time? - There's no rush.
- You can't stay.
You promised! - We're going in a minute.
What's happened to this programme? Can't they find a presenter who doesn't look like a mannequin from Next children's department? The bands are old crap.
Didn't like them the first time.
Somebody shoot Genesis.
Look.
Evil-looking creeps playing dull, soulless dance music.
- You're showing your age.
- I hate this 70s revival stuff.
Yeah, it's all watered-down crap.
Look, Lenny Kravitz, number 30, thinks he's Jimi bloody Hendrix.
The genius of Hendrix was that he could stand up, he was so pumped full of drugs.
Exactly! He could've choked any second, that was the thrill.
- Who dies in their own vomit these days? - Nobody! I wish some of them would, though.
I don't think that "Kylie chokes on vegetarian sausage after not-drinking binge in safe celebrity nightspot" hasn't quite the same ring about it.
Sorry, darling, I know you like her.
You can't play rock and roll on a diet of Quorn, Veggie juice and Linda bloody McCartney's tofu treats! I've seen the ones you have in the fridge.
It's getting out of control, all these new revivals.
Soon we'll be reviving what we had last week! Get your clothes back from the dry cleaners and it's a revival! Endless stream of old music, new music, old, new, fashion, music, music, music, music.
It's like a mirrorball spinning around inside my head.
Why won't it just stop? - For most people at your age it does.
- Switch it off, sweetie.
- Give me the Stones any day.
- Yeah.
Eddie, remember that weekend with Mick and the boys? Fantastic! Fabulous days.
Patsy used to go out with Keith Moon, sweetie.
Well, sort of.
Woke up underneath him in a hotel bedroom once.
That was going steady for the 60s, believe me.
Look, Mum, if you're not watching TV, can you just go? What is your problem? What is your problem? You don't have to get rid of your mother so you can have your boyfriend round.
We'd be out of here like a shot if there was a chance of you having a heavy snogging session Kettle Crisps, top button - Sweetie, you have! - Don't! I've got to make a phone call.
No, no, no, no.
Oh, my God, I'm having a palpitation.
She's scored, she's scored.
Hang on.
- We'll go as soon as he gets here.
- I don't want you to meet him.
I'll go now.
We're going now.
Move out of the room, Pats, slowly.
Slowly, slowly, don't frighten Saffy.
Go to the door, go to the door.
Sofa, crisps.
Undo your buttons.
- Open the door! - It's stuck! - It's locked! - That stupid bloody woman! - It's not her fault! - The door didn't lock itself! - She just misunderstood what door I meant.
- What happened? - We're locked in, Pats.
- No, no, no! Out of the way, I'm going.
It opens inwards.
- Leave it, Pats.
- How long? What if there's a fire? - She went to get an aspirin.
- Phone's dead, darling.
- The fire knocked that out.
- Don't look at her like that.
The amount you forgive that old woman! She's the one who locked us in here.
We wouldn't be here if you hadn't been planning your disgusting snogging session with your lover boy! - Shut up! - Don't tell her to shut up.
She's just trying to be nice.
Come on, it's all right.
Don't be uptight about it.
Let's talk about it.
- Don't be so embarrassed - Stop it! How long does it take that old woman to score a tab of aspirin? I could score acid quicker.
If there's anything you want, if you want to use my bedroom, I don't mind.
You know, if he wants a condom or anything.
- Or a blindfold.
- Shut up! How come she gets a date? I don't get dates any more.
- You get dates, don't you, Pats? - Oh, I get dates, yeah.
Only if she pays the right price.
You want a little nibble, sweetie? Bombay Mix? Listen to Mummy's funny voice doing that again: Bombay Mix.
- Why didn't you tell me about him? - I didn't want you to know about it.
- I'm your friend.
- No.
I'm your friend, Eddie.
You don't need her.
- Have you any idea how exciting this is for me? - Yes.
It's my duty to guide you through your first sexual experience, darling.
You know the facts of life.
I did I did tell you the facts of life, didn't I, sweetie? If you mean that time you woke me at 2 am, stoned out of your brain, and slurred: "By the way, sweetie, people have it off," then yes, you told me the facts of life.
Well, if there are any gaps you want me to fill in Mum, I need to watch that programme.
Oh, no, it's not the documentary, is it? We can't watch that.
Claire Rayner narrating the journey of the sperm.
Like a cookery demonstration by Hannibal Lecter.
We can't watch that.
No way.
No, darling.
If you wanna learn about that sort of thing, you should do it like every other normal girl.
- How? - Cosmo sex quiz, sweetie.
Come on.
Cosmo sex quiz.
We'll do it together, we'll do it together.
Mum and daughter will do it together.
Shall we, sweetie? There it is.
It's multiple choice, darling, all right? A, B or C.
A.
Is he shaggable? B.
Are you shagging? C.
Have you shagged? A nil rating on that one for you.
What other advice can we give her? Be careful of wigs.
Don't listen to that one, sweetie.
Always get his number, 'cause he'll never call you back.
That's a good one.
B.
Snogging.
Who's snogging? I'm not much of an expert on snogging.
I had two husbands.
One was too short, one was gay.
If you want to know how to peck a dwarf when he's wearing your dress, I'm your girl.
- Ignore her, Eddie.
- God, just like an emotional yo-yo.
You're upset, sweetie? I saw crying.
I'm upset too, sweetie.
Mummy's upset as well.
Give me a hug, darling.
Squish, squish.
Aww, squish, squish.
I can't do that thing you do.
I can't do that tears thing you do.
Squish, squish.
Come on, don't go all silent on me.
Where's the horrid little budgerigar? - You all right? - I will be.
- What can I do? - Nothing, I'm OK.
Miserable little turnip.
- It's a good sign.
- What? That you're crying, sweetie.
You should get in touch with your feelings.
I am in touch with them.
I don't have to pay £3,000 for some cross-legged conman to tweeze them out for me! Con-man? Sher Abu Korma, darling.
He's a genuine reincarnation of Abu Babu, high priest of the spiritual leader, Sag Aloo.
Con-man? Besides, I've checked.
He doesn't keep all the money for himself.
Half of it goes to the rebirthing centre, and half of it goes to pay off the debts he ran up in a previous life.
There's a vegetarian lunch included in that price, don't forget that.
God, honestly.
Look what you made me do! Look at this! Look at this, look.
You've made me go foetal.
I've gone all foetal.
Aw, Mama.
I've been rebirthing.
You should try that, darling, yeah.
That she was born once is enough for me.
Here I go, sweetie.
This is all your fault.
Here I go.
Down through all those tubes.
Hello, organs.
Hello, ovaries.
Just one last little cough for me, mummy-to-be.
There we are.
Untouched by human hand.
Get that away from me! Where am I? Clank, clank, clank.
It's all those lights, sweetie.
That woman's got a lot to answer for.
She made "Eraserhead"look like "Emmerdale Farm"! She didn't take her rubber gloves off for the first 12 years.
Injections, injections, chemicals, chemicals, polio, vaccine, vaccine, bottle, chemicals.
My generation made ICI what it is today.
No wonder we turned flower power.
At least Gran loved you.
I know you never wanted me.
I know I was a mistake.
Pretty accurate so far.
Not a mistake, sweetie, just a little miscalculation.
What difference does it make now, sweetie? The difference between knowing you're wanted and knowing you're not is quite big.
It's like going to a party where you're not invited, no matter how polite people are.
Clever thing to say, eh? - You think you gatecrashed my party.
- I know I did.
Oh, you little bitch troll from hell.
You mean ungrateful little bit of dirt! You think you've had it so hard.
I never had the things you had when I was born.
- Here we go.
- I never had friends, parties or presents.
The first few years of my life, I was just locked in the room.
Or trailing along behind my mother in her sickening musk-laden wake, hoping that she'd turn around, notice me, say something, touch me or ask me something.
- Or send you to school.
- Anything.
My mother didn't give birth.
She had something removed.
Behold! I am that which must overcome itself again and again! Oooh! Je suis au zenith.
Come.
Come now, claw your way out of my body, O alien soul.
Who has ears to hear, let him hear.
Je suis Troyenne, je suis de Troie! I've been ploughed.
Let the swamp-blood flow forth.
Yes! Come! Now! Enter the world.
You tiny mediocrity.
Petite void.
Pallid horror.
Come, come! Rip it from me.
Let me be free.
Cut the cord, cut the cord, cut the cord! I can feel it draining my energy! Let it trail no longer, my ball and chain.
- What kind is it? - C'est une fille.
Une fille?! Aw, shit.
I name the child Eurydice Clytemnestra Dido Bathsheba Rabelais Patricia Cocteau Stone.
Now take it away! And bring me another lover.
- I could've been clever.
- Could you? Yes! I could've gone to university.
All those wasted years, and now you are rubbing it in.
I resent you.
Yes, I do.
I hate you! Just when my life hit a good patch, along you came, miserable piece of flesh.
You should've ended up in the dustbin.
The incinerator was too good for you.
When I heard Eds was pregnant, I told her to abort.
Abort, abort! - Chuck it down the pan, bring me - A knitting needle? A knitting needle! The more you quarrel, the less you hate, Sag Aloo says.
- Don't take her side! - I'm not taking her side.
My friend When you were three, we tied you to the central reservation of the motorway.
Shut up.
Patsy's funny little jokes, darling.
Anyway you were like a homing pigeon.
You were back within a week.
- What was my birth like? - Your birth Shut up.
It was beautiful, darling.
It was gorgeous, it was lovely, I knew it was the best moment of my life.
What's that lovely film? "Bambi"! It was like "Bambi".
Forest glades.
We were like dogs, were they? - Deer.
- Deer.
We were like those deer.
It was lovely.
It was so beautiful, sweetie.
- You must have painkillers.
- No, I don't need any.
- You need drugs.
- Give the drugs to Patsy.
- You're so brave! - I know.
I want this baby to be born on a carpet of roses.
I will suffer any pain for this baby.
It was lovely, darling.
The moment you were born, I knew I wanted you, darling.
I did.
Mummy wanted you, sweetie.
- However, the day after - Shut up! Uh, it's rather stuffy in here.
Saffy, are you all right? Why are you so close to your mother? We're just bonding, something you wouldn't know about.
- This party, Ed - What has she been saying? - She's been telling me about my birth.
- You mustn't believe a word your mother says.
Never mind, Gran's here now.
Something in a blue kagool is hovering outside.
Are you coming to this party or what? I'm just waiting for the lady from the adoption agency to turn up.
Have a look.
Might as well leave it with a note.
What are you looking at me for? What?