According To Jim s02e06 Episode Script

I'll get it.
Hello.
Hello! I'm a Swedish stewardess who's lost and dirty.
Can you bathe me and tell me all about your American football, huh? Yes.
I think I just have to ask my Cheryl? It's okay.
Really? Honey, you deserve it.
Go! I'm very, very dirty.
Hey.
Out.
What? Out! Get out! Out! Out! No! Oh, baby! Okay, okay, girls.
Are you ready? All right, let's go over this one more time because it's very crucial.
Kyle, stop playing with your food.
Kyle, well, just don't stick it up your nose, all right? Okay, girls.
Who's taking you to your first Bears-Packer Monday night football game? The greatest daddy in the world.
That's right.
And what is this more important than? My wedding day.
All right, Jim.
I get them back when Kyle can talk, right? Right.
You're the best.
What's in the dryer? Oh, that's my lucky game day jersey.
I like it toasty and warm, 'cause when I put it on, I feel like I'm getting a hug from the whole team at once.
Oh! Oh, honey! You've put my jeans in the dryer.
Oh, man.
I can barely get my big butt into them as it is.
Cheryl, your butt isn't big.
Oh, come on.
Are you kidding? Look at it! It's like two hams.
You know, I liked it even before you compared it to hams.
Just please don't put them in the dryer anymore, okay? I have a mind to stop doing housework altogether.
All right, girls.
Get your jackets on.
- Hey! - Hey! Dana, will you tell your sister her ass isn't big? But you are big, Jim.
Okay, honey.
Now, listen.
I know how rowdy you guys get at these football games, so if you could please watch your language in front of the girls.
Ooh! Muzzle getting a little tight, my lady? All right, Andy, you, too.
But, Cheryl, I'm street.
Street's about keeping it real.
Hey, Andy, I'm putting in these juice boxes you like.
Oh, goody! You know, Cheryl, I'm gonna try not to curse, but, by that time of the game, I'll be so drunk.
I'm kidding! I'm kidding.
Drink with the girls.
Okay, girls! Let's go kick some Gosh! Darn! Packer keester! It's just not the same, honey.
I know, honey.
Just try to set a good example.
All right.
A good example? The man eats in the john.
Excuse me for being efficient.
Hey, way to stick it, Brown! Third down, here we go! All right.
Daddy, Daddy, where are the bears? Honey, they're right down on the field, right there.
Those aren't bears.
They're the Bears.
They're not eating honey.
Oh, come on! Where's the defense? Ah, you bunch of Bully heads.
First down! Bears suck.
Daddy, he's saying a bad word.
I know, honey.
He's a Packer fan.
He can't help himself.
It's all that cheese they eat.
It backs up their system, they get really weird.
The Bears are a bunch of tampons! Hey, shut up, cheese head.
Yeah, just watch your mouth, huh? I've got my little girls here, okay? Yeah, okay, whatever.
Hey, Urlacher! You suck! That's it! That's it! Whoa, snake! You're on parole! You don't want to end up back in the joint.
Oh, so sorry.
I didn't mean to insult your precious girl, Urlacher! What did I just say? You can't walk into my stadium and talk like that.
Oh, yeah, 'cause this is your stadium.
You've got that right.
Oh, because I didn't happen to see the sign out front that said, "Welcome to Big Jackass Field!" Oh! Excuse me, nobody! - Girls, come on, just set it down there.
- Hey, hey, hey! What are you guys doing home so early? Oh, well, you know what? We got up to get the girls some cotton candy because they love it so much and I'm such a great dad, you know.
But then, I noticed that they were kind of cold and tired.
And so, I thought, why push it, you know? Because I'm a great dad.
Okay.
Girls, did you have a good time? You know what? They lost their voices cheering for the Bears.
Go Bears.
Yeah.
Oh, no! Listen to you.
We've got to get you babies into bed.
No, no, no, no.
I'll do it, honey.
Go ahead, girls.
You know what? Right now, they're kind of in a "daddy place.
" You know, with the bonding at the game and because I'm such a Great dad.
Yeah.
You picked up on that, too, didn't you? Okay, girls, I'll be right up.
Good night, my pumpkins.
Night! What? They snap back so fast when they're that age.
So, you left the game early? Yes, you know, fatherhood first, football fan second.
And you are looking pretty good in that robe, baby.
Ew! What are you doing? Oh, my God! What is Ah! What is this? Cheryl, can we please have some mystery in this marriage? Look at the poor I don't have any hair on my arm.
Those are the hot movies opening this weekend.
And, with that, here's Mark Giangreco at the sports desk.
Mark? All right, Janet, thanks a lot.
Well, I tell you it was a low-scoring game tonight between the Packers and the Bears.
But the real action was in the stands.
Look at these two guys.
They don't know the meaning of the words "time out.
" Should've had this guy down on the field That's not me.
- Oh! - Let's see that in slow mo.
That's a fifty yard Oh! Yeah, that's me.
Jim, how could you get into a fight in front of the girls? Easy.
You were not there, Cheryl, okay? You don't know what happened.
I'm done.
I'm done.
No.
No.
Okay.
Okay.
No, no, no! Hey! Okay.
You're judging me.
Hey, hey, hey! You're right.
You're right.
I'm right? You're right.
Honey, I don't know what happened.
And so That's right.
So, why don't you tell me? What did he do? Did he harass Dana? Did he threaten the kids? No, no, no.
No? No.
Well, then, what happened? He called me a name.
He called you a name? Yeah.
A very hurtful name.
What name? Um, fatty? No.
Baldy? No.
Jackass? It is not important! The point is, is that guy was trash talking in front of our little angels.
The little Ruby and the little blonde one? Gracie.
Gracie! I can't believe I was worried about you swearing and you end up doing something a hundred times worse.
Well, whatever happened to being a good example? I am a good example.
Come on.
I don't smoke, I've never been in jail.
I look great in corduroy.
Oh, come on! Will you just admit it? You were wrong.
Please! Please, Cheryl.
I'm not gonna admit I was wrong.
I was not wrong at all.
No! No! Oh, come on.
No, you weren't there.
You're really hurting my feelings right now.
I'm starting to get hurt.
Hurt.
Hello? Oh, hey, Anthony, how are you doing? Yeah, I really nailed him.
Well, thank you.
Thanks for calling.
That was really nice of you.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
FYI, that was Anthony.
He just saw it on TV.
He thinks I'm a hero.
Who's Anthony? Anthony, who is on my bowling team.
The one under house arrest? Jim What? Yeah, well, why couldn't you just call security? That's what civilized people do.
Honey, the football stadium is not civilized.
It's ancient Rome.
It's where men act the way men are supposed to act.
Pushing and shoving and peeing in troughs.
Well, thank you, honey.
Thank you for insisting on taking our little angels there.
Well, they got snow cones, too.
Hello? Hey, Andy.
Really? Really? What channel? Okay, okay.
Bye.
Guess what? They've got a name for me now.
The "Packer Smacker.
" Oh That's just great.
My friend Julie is married to a surgeon.
I'm married to the "Packer Smacker.
" Okay.
Channel 2.
Packer Smacker! Channel 7.
Packer Smacker! Channel 9.
Hostage situation.
Give me that.
What do you think it does to our girls when they see their daddy fighting? I think it shows them that their dad is strong and will protect them.
No, no.
It shows them a role model who solves problems with violence.
- What? - Where do you get that? What, do you think our kids are like little sponges, they soak up everything I do? No, Jim.
I think their teacher taught them how to burp the alphabet.
And do they not read better? Give me that! Don't, don't, Cheryl.
Cheryl, give me, give me Ha! You better change your attitude, baby.
If you want to be Mrs.
Packer Smacker, it's gotta change.
Yeah, yeah, Kenny.
I'll give him the message.
Oh, well, he's a hero to me, too.
Yes.
Well, you know, he belongs to the world now.
Yeah, yeah.
I was being sarcastic.
Yeah.
Good ear.
Can you believe it? Jim is a local hero.
Oh! It's gonna go right to his head.
Yeah.
It was bad enough when he got his picture in the paper for riding that pig.
Ugh! Look, I agree with you that Jim shouldn't have fought in front of the girls.
But do you really think this is gonna permanently scar them? Well, who knows? Do you remember when Dad took us to see The Exorcist? I still have trouble going to bed sometimes.
Well, of course you do.
You sleep with Jim.
Oh, all right, that's it.
That's it.
No more phone calls.
You know, you could just unplug those things now.
Oh.
Ladies, please direct your attention to the man behind the front door.
Oh, no Weighing in at a svelte 190 pounds In sixth grade.
The pride of Chicago The Packer Smacker The man they call Jim! Jim is a registered trademark of Jim.
You know, Cheryl, I know the world is wrong and you are right.
But if that's true, what's with the cheese? You should have seen him at work.
Guys were coming up having him sign boxing gloves, and giving him cheese.
You know, because of the whole "cheese head" thing.
Yeah, I get it, I get it.
Yeah, and I got a call from the Oval Office.
No, I mean, not the real one, you know, the gentlemen's club off Ashland.
All right, fine.
Fine, Jim.
I'm wrong, and you and the rest of the world are right.
Just hit whoever you want.
Grab your crotch! Curse like a sailor! Who cares? It's just our kids.
You know what? It is far more important for you to be right than to be a good example.
Oh, come on, Cheryl.
Everybody's a winner.
- Look.
I fought that jerk.
- He went home a hero.
I'm a hero.
Nobody got hurt.
And we got enough cheese to get through the long, cold Chicago winter.
Please.
What's the big deal? Mommy! Mommy! What, baby? Ruby punched me in the face.
Oh, no.
Let me see.
Oh, honey, her nose is bleeding.
That's the big deal.
Okay, come on, Gracie, let's get some boo-boo cream for your ouchie.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Just don't bleed on Aunty Dana's shirt.
It's Dolce & Gabbana.
Where are you going? Don't take this the wrong way, but I have to distance myself from you right now.
Hey.
Hi, Daddy.
So, what happened? She said I eat poop burgers.
Oh, no, Ruby.
Come on.
Well, what are you doing here? She made me mad, so I punched her.
But you can't do that, honey.
You did it, and everybody clapped.
That's totally different.
Why? It's very simple why, honey.
He's not my sister.
So I can punch somebody else? No, you can't.
Why? Because you just can't.
Why? Okay, but this is the last "why.
" No matter how right you think you are, you should never punch anybody.
Even if when you punch them you think that you were right when you punched them.
You understand? No.
Well, I'm a little confused about this myself.
Let me Okay, here it is, honey.
You punched your sister.
Okay, did that feel good? No.
Okay.
Now you wish you hadn't done that? Yeah.
Okay, well, that's the reason right there.
It's the reason why you should never punch anybody.
Okay? All right, baby.
Now you just sit here and do whatever it is you do, you know, when Mom's punishing you.
She makes me eat candy.
What am I, new here? Daddy? Yeah, honey.
Do you wish you hadn't punched that guy? Yes.
Hey.
Hey.
I just thought everybody would like to know that Gracie is gonna be okay.
Now, is there something you girls would like to say to each other? I'm sorry.
You don't eat poop burgers.
That's my girls.
Do you want me to read to you? Yeah.
"And Bunny looked at his friend, Turtle, and said, "'Have you seen my house?' "'No, I have not seen your house, ' said Turtle.
"'Then can I stay at your house? ' asked Bunny.
" Cheryl, it's those damned violent cartoons! I mean, you got pigs hitting ducks and rabbits without pants! I mean, it's a recipe for mayhem.
Yeah, wherever we go, we're parents.
And our kids are watching us, trying to figure out how to live their lives.
Okay.
I get it.
I mean, you know, honey, I really try to be aware of the message I'm sending.
I try to set a good example and, you know, you should, too.
Good example.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
All right, girls, dinner! Good.
We're done.
And, you know, honey, if you ever find yourself in a situation where you don't know what to do You know how that is.
I want you to go ahead and ask yourself Mmm-hmm? What would Cheryl do? And then, you do that.
Okay? Okay, okay, I'll do that.
Okay.
Hey, girls.
Guess what? We have a special treat for dessert.
Hot fudge sundaes! Yay! I don't want any, Mommy.
Oh, baby, what's wrong? Does your nose hurt when you chew? No.
My butt's too big.
What did you say, honey? Look at it.
It's like two hams! Gracie, baby, that is not true.
You are perfect just the way you are.
You can eat whatever you want.
All right, girls.
Now, go wash your hands.
Okay.
Okay.
Wait a minute, Cheryl, Cheryl.
"Two hams.
" Help me out here.
I seem to recall someone in this house saying the exact same thing.
Someone who sets a good example.
Jim No, not me.
I think it was you.
You know what it is? You know, it's those damn fashion magazines.
They set such unrealistic standards! You know what? I'm gonna go write a letter.
Honey, honey, honey, it's okay, it's okay.
It happens.
But, you know, the next time you're in a situation where you find you don't know what to do Ask yourself, "What would Cheryl do?" And then don't do it.
Oh!