All In The Family s02e06 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made [ together .]
those were the days and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days well, I got another stack of leaflets.
How many more blocks do we have to cover? Only three more.
We still have to canvas below northern boulevard.
Oh, boy.
Practically all conservative.
But those are the ones we have to talk to the most.
I just hope it's not like last night.
Remember? "Get away from my door, you radical, hippie, yippie, commie, freak pinko!" Hey, hey, knock it off, will ya.
I got a screamin' headache over here.
[ Mike .]
Oh.
Hi, arch.
What are you doin' anyway? Oh, geez.
The two politicians are hard at it.
Well, let me tell you somethin'.
If you're still workin' for the Claire packer woman, you're wasting your time 'cause this district ain't gonna put her in the assembly.
That's what you think.
If we get out enough votes, this could be a very close race.
You want a hot tip? Put your money on cohn.
He's gonna win by a nose.
Archie, that is not only an old joke, that's a bad joke.
And it's also an anti-semitic joke.
That's right.
It's absolutely hateful.
I'm ashamed of you, daddy.
[ Mockingly .]
"I'm ashamed of you, daddy.
" You know something? If I was to open a mouth to my old man Like you just opened a mouth to me, he'd have let me have it right across the kisser.
Wop.
Oh, excuse me.
Bam.
You can't say "wop" around here.
[ Doorbell ringing .]
I'll get it.
Oh, leave it alone.
It's another one of them election jerks beggin' for your vote.
I wanna see.
What is it with her and this election? She's interested, Archie.
She's voting for the first time.
Oh, that's right.
Youth is votin' for the first time.
"And a little child shall lead them.
" Whoever said that didn't know nothin'.
Look at this, daddy.
When the youth vote does count, political parties won't still be choosing candidates by religion like this.
This is terrible.
What's the matter with this? I call this representative government.
Salvatore, feldman, O'Reilly, Nelson.
It's an Italian, a Jew, an irishman and a regular American.
It's what I call a balanced ticket.
Why do you always have to label people by nationality? 'Cause how else are you gonna get the right man for the right job? For instance, take feldman there.
He's up for treasurer.
Well, that's perfect.
All them people know how to handle money.
Know what I mean? - No, I don't.
- Then you got Salvatore runnin' for d.
A.
He could keep an eye on feldman.
You know, I wanna tell you somethin' about the Italians.
When you do get an honest one, you really got somethin' there.
Oh, come on, arch.
Here you got O'Reilly, the Mick.
You can see that the graph is equally spread around, you know.
You got Nelson, the American guy.
He's good for tv appearances.
Make the rest of them look respectable, you know.
Where do you get all these ideas? Oh, from the college of hard knocks, Sonny boy.
I've been everywhere the grass grows green.
I've seen everything there is to see.
[ Doorbell ringing .]
I know people.
The reason you don't know nothin' about people is you always got your big mouth open.
You're never willin' to listen to nobody.
How do you do, sir? May I have a moment of your time? No.
Furthermore, that Claire packer and the whole progressive party Is sure losers.
Now if you wanna pick a real winner-- I'm not interested in picking a "winner.
" Well, I knew that the day you married this guy.
Oh, that's funny, arch.
Very funny.
You don't know anything about the progressive ticket.
I know one thing about this election.
It's gonna be won by Floyd Jay lundey, your distinguished "incrumbent.
" Floyd lundey? My man.
How can you be for lundey? Look at his record.
He's against school bussing, he's voted down every pay raise for teachers and he's a hawk on Vietnam.
A great American.
[ Doorbell ringing .]
There's another one of them pamphlet pests.
They're gonna be ringing the door all day long.
We ain't interested.
- Archie.
- Oh, geez.
All right, Edith.
Come on in.
Did I do something wrong? Get in here, will ya! Have I got news for you, Archie.
Oh, never mind the news.
Did you bring back the aspirin? Gloria, guess what happened at the supermarket.
They broke the code.
What code? The secret code at ferguson's supermarket.
What are you talkin' about? Ferguson's always puts a stamp on perishable foods That tells him what day it came in.
But it was in code, so they knew and we didn't.
But now we know.
I'm waitin' for the aspirin here, Edith.
Yeah, Archie, I got it right here.
Now look at these eggs.
See, they're marked x-21.
That means they came in this morning fresh from the farm.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Guess who broke the code.
J.
Edgar hoover.
No, he wasn't in the store.
It was Claire packer who broke the code.
You know, she's the one that Gloria and Mike Have been campaignin' for.
Yeah, I know.
The one that's got her big nose into everything.
Oh, no, not the American cheese.
No.
That's today's.
X-l.
Here, eat the Swiss cheese.
X-y.
That's yesterday's.
You gotta eat yesterday's x-y before you eat today's x-o Because tomorrow today's x-o will be yesterday's x-y.
See? Am I goin' too fast for ya? D-b'd.
D-b'd? Dingbat! I don't want no cheese.
Claire packer.
I'd like to give that Claire packer a piece of my mind.
You'll get your chance, daddy.
She's coming here tonight.
What? Edith! Claire packer is comin' here tonight? Just to pick us up.
This is our last night to ring doorbells.
- Yeah, Archie? - Get me an ice bag, will ya? - For your head? - No, Edith.
I wanna build an igloo.
Will you get it? Sure.
Right away, Archie.
Claire packer here? Now, daddy, when she gets here, please don't start anything.
No nasty remarks, no insults, please? Listen.
I don't even wanna look at your Claire packer.
Just let her come in here, turn around on her broomstick and fly the hell out of here.
I am sick and tired of your negative attitude about Claire.
Who are you to look down on anyone? You're not even voting! What? Gloria, you didn't tell me that.
That's right.
He's not voting.
Oh, boy.
I don't believe it.
I just don't believe it.
You mean to tell me that Archie bunker, super patriot, flag waver par excellence is not voting in tomorrow's election? Yeah, because I cherish my vote the way you're supposed to.
That's why.
I don't waste it on these little meatball elections around here.
I save my vote for the biggies.
Did you-- did you hear that? Did you hear that reasoning? He's not gonna vote 'cause he saves it for the biggies.
That's right.
Your presidential, your senatorial, your "governororial," your "mayorororial.
" Daddy, what about the school bonds? What do I care about them? You don't see any schoolkids running around here, do you? If you don't care about school bonds, then you don't care about the future of your country.
- And you call yourself an American? - Yes.
And I think of some of the things you've called me-- pinko, commie.
Don't forget meathead, dead from the neck up.
You wrap yourself in the flag and then you won't even exercise your right to vote? You won't do that much for your country.
Listen, you.
When my country called me, I was there.
Where was you in 1942? I wasn't even born yet.
That ain't no excuse.
[ Doorbell ringing .]
I was over there in Italy fighting the big one.
my group flew.
Archie, you were in the ground crew.
Which without them the planes would have never took off.
So you won the big one, but you don't care we're losing the war at home.
Listen, Americans never lost no war.
- We're losing one right now.
- Huh? The war against poverty, injustice, ignorance.
That's the war Claire packer's fighting.
- Who are you? - Claire packer.
Oh, geez.
The queen of the liberals just blew in.
Well, thank you, Mr.
bunker.
It's nice to meet you.
Yeah? Well, it's nice to meet you too there, miss Claire packer, so's I can give you a piece of my mind.
You know somethin'? If you liberals go on gettin' your way, we're all gonna hear one big loud flush.
That's the sound of the U.
S.
A.
goin' down the toilet.
Mr.
bunker, I want that vote of yours tomorrow.
Now you tell me.
How do I get it? Can you handle a shotgun? 'Cause that's the only way I know.
Come on, Claire.
Let's go.
No, Mike.
Just a minute.
I wanna talk to Mr.
bunker.
Oh, hello, miss packer.
I didn't know you were here.
Here's your ice bag, Archie.
How would you like a nice cup of coffee? I just got some fresh-- x-l.
Thank you.
Edith.
Yeah, Archie? I wanna thank you for the ice bag.
You're welcome, Archie.
Now do you suppose I could have a little ice in it? Oh, I forgot.
Sure.
I'll be right back.
Listen, sis, I got a word of advice for you.
Women and politics is like oil and gasoline.
They don't mix.
It's against nature.
Why, Mr.
bunker.
You sound like a male chauvinist.
Right-- an ordinary taxpayer.
Now you better stop runnin' for public office And start runnin' after a husband.
'Cause I wanna tell you from where I sit you got some runnin' to do.
Now just a minute.
Here you are, Archie.
Your ice bag with ice.
All right, Edith.
Leave it there.
The coffee will be ready in a minute.
'Cause you ain't gonna sell me none of your progressive pinko welfare ideas.
What have you got against welfare? Everything.
I am sick and tired of people like you Givin' away my hard-earned money to a bunch of families who ain't even related to me, which couldn't be related to me for "complexionary" reasons, if you know what I mean.
Are you related to any of the executives at lockheed? Huh? Well, you must be because you're supporting them.
What are you talkin' about? I'm talking about government subsidy.
You're giving welfare to the rich.
Welfare to the rich? What is she-- nobody in this country needs welfare.
We got the highest standard of livin' ever.
And six to seven million people out of work.
The grossest national product.
And an inflated economy.
We got the strongest country on earth.
Capable of being wiped out by the second strongest country on earth.
Not if we get them first, lady.
If we launch, then they launch, and then we both go up.
Boom! Will you tell me something? Why is it you liberals No matter what subject you're talkin' about, you always get around to that? You guys got more ways for the world to end Than a dog's got fleas.
And you guys got a way of wrapping up any discussion with one simplistic line That sounds good, satisfies you and solves nothing.
Wanna do me a favor? What? Scram.
- Daddy, Claire's our friend! - That's all right, Gloria.
My father had a word for people who think and talk like you.
I ain't interested.
Mr.
bunker, you are a meathead.
What was that word I heard? Meathead, arch.
That means dead from the neck up.
We better get out of here.
He's not voting anyway, so three out of four votes from this house isn't bad.
Well, she ain't even gonna get that, little girl, because I just changed my mind.
Here's your coffee, miss packer.
Forget it.
She's leaving.
I'm gonna tell you what's gonna happen around here.
Edith and I are gonna vote.
So that's gonna cancel your two votes.
So from this house you get zilch.
But more than that, I'm gonna follow youse into that neighborhood tonight And I'm gonna go over it with a fine-tooth comb.
I ain't lived around here for 30 years for nothin'.
These people around here know Archie bunker.
They're my people.
I'm gonna knock on every door and I'm gonna say to them all, "stick to your guns, folks.
Vote for lundey!" Will you quit breathin' on me? We're gonna see who's gonna win this election-- packer or bunker.
What's this one's name? Kleinheim.
You think it's too early in the morning? Not on election day.
Uh, hello, Mrs.
kleinheim.
Yeah, I rang your doorbell last night and you weren't in.
So, I was-- what? No, this is not an obscene phone call.
Mrs.
-- Mrs.
kleinheim, this is the way I always breathe.
I-I was-- wait, wait-- she's gonna call the police.
You better make the rest of the calls.
Okay.
Daddy, you're up.
Up and at it, little girl.
Up and at it.
What were you doing outside? I was just outside raisin' the flag So that everybody includin' the foreigners would know That this house sits on American soil.
Coffee, everybody.
Edith, I don't want no coffee and you better hurry up with yours 'Cause we gotta get out of here and vote.
[ Doorbell ringing .]
- I'll get it.
- You're rarin' to go.
Yesterday you weren't gonna vote at all.
That was before packer's pinko invasion here.
How do you do? My name is George Robinson And I represent the gay liberation front.
How do you do? This must be Mrs.
Robinson.
No, I'm Cynthia Nash of the daughters of sappho.
We wanted to talk to you about our candidate in today's election.
Now hold it.
Hold it, Edith.
Let me handle this, huh? Edith, don't you know what they are? She's a daughter of sappho and he's a gay liberator.
Step aside, will you, huh? Just let me do the talkin' here.
Excuse me.
Get lost.
Archie, that wasn't polite.
Edith, do you have to be a dingbat all of the time? They seemed like such a nice couple.
A couple of what? He ain't a he and she ain't a she.
I don't know what you mean.
Edith, do you remember Richie Clifford from across the street? He used to sit on the stoop knittin' sweaters.
Yeah.
He taught me how to cable stitch.
You remember schultzy's daughter, Maxine the cab driver, they wouldn't let into the teamsters union? Oh, you mean butch.
Yeah.
Oh.
You mean they're-- yeah, yeah.
Tooty and fruity.
Let's see what kind of garbage they're givin' out here.
Oh, look at this.
"We are citizens too.
Make it legal for two consenting adults To do whatever they wish in the privacy of their own homes.
" Why would they need a law for that? [ Doorbell ringing .]
Go have your coffee, huh, Edith.
I'll answer the door here.
Hi, Mr.
bunker.
Hi, everybody.
Hello, Lionel.
[ All .]
Hi, Lionel.
We're just gettin' ready to go out and vote.
I'm glad I caught you because I'm here to do a little campaigning.
Mr.
bunker, I would like you to vote for diangelo for city council.
What are you doin' rootin' for an Italian? Oh, no, he's black.
Here's his picture.
Hey, look at this.
Gee.
What's this guy doin' with an Italian name? Oh, the usual thing-- puttin' it on his letterbox, on his checks.
[ Mutters .]
I mean, how come a colored guy's got a name like diangelo? It gets confusing, doesn't it? There's a lot of black people named white and a lot of white people named black.
Just the other day I was delivering some cleaning to a family named rockefeller.
Black? No, white.
Sometimes it works out just right.
So how 'bout it, Mr.
bunker? You gonna vote for diangelo? In America we got a secret ballot here.
So all I can tell you is that I'm gonna vote with my conscience.
Yeah, that's what I was afraid of.
Well, thanks anyway.
Bye.
[ All .]
Bye, Lionel.
- Well, let's go get 'em.
- All right.
- Go where? What are you doin'? - We're gonna go vote.
Edith, they're gonna go vote.
Come on.
Hurry up.
Finish the coffee, will ya! They're getting out the door.
Why can't you hurry? See you at the polls.
Come on, Edith.
Will you get your hat and coat.
Here's your bag.
Hurry up.
They're gettin' ahead of us! And the voting booth is right over there.
Thank you, Mrs.
Jefferson.
Well, here goes.
My first time.
Don't be nervous, honey.
Come on, meathead.
You're holdin' up the whole line here.
Can't you see the sign? "No electioneering.
" Under "s", Mrs.
Edwards.
Stivic, Michael.
And while you're checking, see if he passed the "literaracy" test there.
Will you sign here, please? Sure.
Good morning, Mr.
bunker.
Good morning, Edith.
Good morning, Mrs.
Jefferson.
What are you doing here, Mrs.
j? Picking up a couple extra bucks for yourself? That's right.
Under "b," Mrs.
Edwards.
Bunker, Archibald.
She didn't have to say it that loud.
Bunker, bunker.
I don't have an Archibald bunker.
Well, it's in there.
Just look a little further.
- I have an Edith bunker.
- That's me.
That's my wife.
She's in there.
I must be there too.
Well, I can't find your name either.
What do you mean, Mrs.
Jefferson? It's gotta be in there.
When was the last time you voted, Mr.
bunker? Uh, I voted for Nixon.
Well, I should have a card here for you.
That was in 1968.
No, you didn't vote for that Nixon.
That was the Humphrey Nixon.
You voted for the Kennedy Nixon.
You haven't voted since 1960? Uh-- well, listen.
I had a lot of things to do.
Something was always comin' up.
Yeah.
Once he had a bad toe spasm.
Stifle it, will you.
Well, I'm awfully sorry, Mr.
bunker, but if you haven't registered in 11 years, you're not eligible to vote.
Now, hold it.
You ain't gonna sit there And tell me I ain't gonna be allowed to vote in this election! Hey, hey, hold it down now, Mac.
Now what's the trouble here? Mr.
bunker isn't registered, officer, and I can't find his name.
Well, then look in some other book.
It must be there.
I've been livin' in this neighborhood for 30 years.
I even went to school in this buildin' here.
It's gotta be there.
Is his card in the book? No.
Then you can't vote.
Now step aside and let the lady vote.
Step aside.
Under "b.
" "B" for baloney, that's what that is.
Why didn't you say something about this? Hey, hey, hey! Is this guy botherin' you, lady? Oh, no, he's my husband.
You got my sympathies.
Try and keep him quiet, will ya.
Will you sign here, please, Mrs.
bunker? Okay.
And then go right over there.
Thank you, Louise.
I'll be right back, Archie.
Wait a minute.
Edith, come here.
Now don't say nothin' to the kids about what happened over here.
Oh, no, Archie, not a word.
I promise.
Wait.
Edith, Edith, come here.
How you gonna vote? Oh, I can't discuss that, Archie.
It's a secret ballot.
Edith! Come over here and sit down.
I wanna know how you're gonna vote.
I can't tell you that, Archie.
A person's vote is between his conscience and himself.
Edith, remember when we was married, what the minister said? A man and his wife are as one.
It was a beautiful thought then And it's a beautiful thought now.
And it was never truer than now, Edith.
Because between the two of us, we only got one vote.
Because I'm registered and you're not.
Because you didn't remind me to register.
Oh, yes, I did.
How many times? Once? Really, let's forget it.
Lundey needs all the help we can give him.
But you got a lot of votes for him last night.
You was out till midnight ringin' doorbells.
Edith, listen to me.
I only got as far as kelcy's bar.
I couldn't get out of there.
Now, Edith, as man and wife We're supposed to share everything, right? Yeah.
So I lost my vote, you share my loss.
You got your vote, I share your gain.
Fifty-fifty.
See how it works? Now, this is the way I want you to vote our vote.
[ Mike .]
Hey, folks.
Dummy up.
Aren't you guys gonna vote? Yeah, I better go in now.
- What about you, arch? - Oh, I already voted.
I done that.
- That fast? - Well, all I had to do was go in and vote against packer.
In and out like a shot, that's all.
Okay, see you at home.
Bye, daddy.
[ Whistling .]
Why don't you turn on the tv, daddy? Oh, leave it off.
There ain't nothin' but election results on there.
That's exactly what I wanna see.
If you're still hopin' for Claire packer, forget it.
She ain't got a chance.
There was a pretty big turnout at the polls and Claire just might squeak through.
So aren't you glad you voted, daddy, even if it wasn't the biggie? How would you feel if Claire packer won by just one vote? Or two.
[ Man .]
All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.