Ally Mcbeal s02e06 Episode Script

Ms.
Long, we're willing to go to trial.
It's just that - You don't think you can win it.
- we don't think we can win it.
The thing is- Making love is wonderful.
But when you're a- How do I say it? - A nun.
- Yes, a nun.
Nuns are not supposed to have sex.
Except with other nuns.
The jury would be sympathetic.
For the church to dismiss me- I'm not totally current, but isn't celibacy still part of the job? I made a mistake.
I admitted it.
Why can't I move on? We can take it to trial, but- It would be a total Hail Mary.
Mugging.
- Is it me or do we attract odd cases? - It's both.
And sex too.
So many of them are about sex.
Any time somebody does it, some legal right is violated.
Our world has come to this: do it and sue, do it and sue do it, do it, do it, sue, sue, sue.
- Hello.
- Hello.
I thought John was with me.
I actually like that little Can you show me how to do that? You just have to get the circular - You're making fun of me.
- I am.
Late for court.
World's Without Love - You're going to trial? - She wants to.
- These kinds of cases- - I know, I know.
Renee? Matt.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How are you? I'm fine, I'm fine.
How are you? - Great.
- Great.
Great.
Matt Griffin, Ally McBeal, my roommate.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Old friend.
I'm here for a T.
R.
O.
A rival is flouting our trademark.
- Well, good luck.
- Thanks.
- It was great to see you again.
- You too.
Bye.
All right, who was that? That was my Billy.
High school.
- You never mentioned him.
- Because I don't do that.
How long did you guys go out? I didn't mean for it to happen.
It just did.
But you took certain vows.
I know, and I'm not condoning the affair, but- Tell us how it began.
I was doing charity work at a homeless shelter that Peter ran.
That's his name.
- It was "work day.
" - "Work day? " Scrubbing floors, painting walls.
It had been a long day and we were tired.
So you made love.
No, we didn't make love.
It didn't just happen in a snap.
Let's move on, could we? As I was saying, we were both painting and tired it turned into a game where we both slopped each other- - And made love? - No.
What's wrong with you? Please just continue.
We were looking at each other, and there was this We knew.
And suddenly I had urges I was totally unprepared for.
- So, you- - Not yet.
We couldn't act on it but we started making excuses to be together.
Meetings over the shelter, more work days and coffee and lunch and dinner and another dinner.
We talked about anything except how we were feeling.
We couldn't go there.
And then, one night, we were painting another room I think painting was the closest thing to permissible foreplay.
We found ourselves staring at each other.
It was awful.
I was looking at something I wanted more than anything.
Something I knew I could never have and he saw it.
He moved a little closer and he kissed me.
It was so soft.
It was the most delicate That night in the same kind of soft, delicate passion we made love.
Ms.
McBeal, in chambers, please.
- What? - The little nose blow? You've been near John Cage too long.
I don't allow tricks.
It wasn't a trick, it was real.
I have a sinus infection.
Is that right? - Let me see.
- Excuse me? Look up.
Look up.
Say "ah.
" You look fine.
You can go.
Thank you.
Is that why you called me back here? For a checkup? I called you back to shut down the stunts.
You can go.
Okay.
Ally? How's Richard doing? He- Fine.
Good, good.
Is he seeing anybody? A little.
You can just tell him that I said hi.
Sure.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Hey.
Matt.
Hey.
My case is in that room.
- Really? - Yeah.
They haven't called us yet.
You look- We both look great.
So how's married life treating you? It's been a little bumpy lately, actually.
- You, you're not? - No.
Want to get some coffee? Maybe go out for a drink? It really would be nice to catch up.
You 're a nun.
Yes, and I confessed, sought penance and was granted absolution.
And then you saw him again and lied about it.
- It was wrong.
- You had sex with a man- A priest has sex with a boy, he gets transferred.
At least my lover was of legal age.
She was tricked into saying that.
This man is a trickster.
Sanction him.
I'm going to overrule that one.
- You believe nuns should be celibate? - Yes.
What message does your running around send? It wasn't running around.
It was discreet.
- I don't know how it got out.
- But it got out.
If the church does nothing, the parish is furious.
If they do do something, you sue.
Damned if they do, damned if they don't.
Is that it? We're Catholic.
Objection.
He tricked her.
He's an anti-Catholic, papal bigot trickster.
- He's alive.
- Or not.
John, John, we have to try to settle this.
No jury will pay a nun damages- Then you talk to her.
I could talk them into rehiring her.
Clergy love me.
At communion I always got an extra wafer.
What a shock.
Come on, Stefan.
Come on.
I think I can feel a pulse.
He's not breathing.
- He must have survived in the pipes.
- He's a tree frog, huh? John.
John.
God, I was just thinking about you.
What? What? I'm having a dinner party tonight- - When? - Ling.
Hi.
Never mind "hi" or "Ling.
" Why am I not invited to this party? Ling, you are invited.
You, me, John and Richard.
I just decided.
I need to speak to John.
- He's breathing.
- He is? - Look at his little lungs.
- He's breathing.
He's still unconscious.
Come on, Stefan.
They're talking to a dead frog.
- Billy, Stefan.
- What? That's Stefan? Yes.
I was on the toilet and he just jumped out at me and I tossed him to Nelle, gently, and she threw him at the door.
- We need a vet.
- I have a strange but urgent message from Nelle: John needs to pee like a racehorse.
- Stefan? - He's alive, but dying.
Can we put him in something to sneak him by- - What was that? - What? You passed something to Billy.
I don't have anything.
Why is your bosom beating? It's my heart.
I'm in love.
Bye.
So why did we fall out of touch? Matt, we fell out of touch because we couldn't keep in touch without touching.
Benny Pico's wedding? "Hi, it's good to see you.
" We touched.
Bill Kepler's wedding? "How you been? " We touched.
Susan Miller's 25th birthday? But when you got married, keeping in touch became a bad idea.
What? Remember the prom? We were up all night and went fishing at daybreak.
We kept our clothes on that night.
Anyway Two days before my marriage I was leafing through the RSVPs and I came across yours.
It said, " Regrets.
Gone fishing.
" And I cried.
Me too.
So here I am talking to a man in a bumpy marriage and this tide of common sense just comes rushing in.
It was great to see you, Matt.
- Can I call you? - No.
She doesn't regret it.
As much as she declares remorse, I know she doesn't.
She's just saying she's sorry to keep her job.
It's not the easiest thing to leave a man.
You never were in her positions- Position.
She lied to me.
T o err is human.
T o forgive, divine.
There's an old Latin saying.
What does it mean? If the sex is great, you can't be a nun.
She did stop seeing the man? Yes, she did, for the most godly reason of all.
- Which was? - He dumped her.
- Is that true? - Does it make a difference? Being dumped isn't penance.
If it were, I'd be Mother Superior.
How did she find out? Peter wouldn't tell her.
It doesn't matter how she knows.
It's in evidence.
Look out.
All right.
Thank you.
- He'll be okay? - Stabilized, but he's in a coma.
What are the chances? Unknown, but there's brain swelling.
They'll watch him.
We should tell John.
He might want closure.
It's a frog.
Avocado.
John feels guilty because he thinks he killed it.
He should know it was Georgia.
- Me? - You threw it first.
- She threw it into your door- - Okay.
- If he lives the night, we tell.
- Even if it's a vegetable? A frog is not a vegetable.
It's meat.
Does anything nice come out of your mouth? We 're just having dinner.
Nobody goes to dinner to have dinner.
You work next to your love every day.
- But I never- - Neither will I.
Just dinner to catch up.
On what? Your memories are all physical.
You'll be- - Give me a little credit.
- No.
You'll bring him back here for a nightcap and show him the yearbook.
You won't believe how funny these pictures are.
Look at that one.
And, oh, look at that one.
And oh, oh, look at that one.
Look at that one.
It was only supposed to be dinner.
What happened? How's he doing? Respirator.
The next 24 hours are crucial.
I'm gonna head over there after you guys leave for court.
Richard, can I ask you something a little personal? Personal questions don't bother me.
I just lie.
You and Ling.
Are you two serious? I can't tell.
I haven't slept with her yet.
But the reason I ask is Whipper kind of asked.
- She did? - She misses you.
She does? Well, that's over.
When I was six, I wanted to be a nun.
I thought it'd make me fly.
I suppose television can cause these misperceptions.
I once asked Santa for a super feminine napkin so I could bike, swim, ride a horse, all the things they promised.
Counsel.
I can't be a nun.
It's impossible.
But they say my client can't be a nun because she broke the vow of celibacy.
But it's not impossible with her.
All that she needs to continue is forgiveness.
And of all the places to look for it you'd think the church would be a good one.
Love must win out.
Go with your heart.
Follow your passion.
We never hear anybody in the movies say: "What about the consequences? " She was a nun.
The thing about love, sex We've managed to cloak it with so much romanticism that people sometimes refuse to see it as wrong even when it's wrong.
This was wrong.
T aking responsibility for it is more than just saying, "Sorry.
" - Feminine napkin? - I made my point.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Excuse me.
I switched the dinner to drinks at the bar so that you can chaperone and I won't get creamed.
That's smart.
You're doing the right thing.
You okay? Look what my life has come to.
I'm taking advice from you.
Hey, hey.
This is from me, not him.
- Who? - Don't give me "who.
" Richard "who.
" Don't, don't "who" me.
I'm not saying you're interested or that you even care but for what it's worth, "who" misses you.
The relationship with whoever doesn't look serious.
Ally, I really don't care.
I'm saying that it's not too late.
One day, it could be.
Wish me luck.
It's a miracle.
Maybe it's because you're helping a nun.
Praise the Lord.
- What- - Stefan surfaced in the bowl.
He's in a coma, but he's not dead.
He's alive, alive, coma.
We rushed him into the vet.
He's living! Coma.
And stable, coma.
He's not dead.
He's alive, alive, alive! - Which vet? - I'll take you there.
Alive! He's good.
If it were just the sex, maybe.
But the cover-up and the lying.
How can I excuse that? They were legally accurate lies.
She doesn't want money damages.
She just wants her job.
I adore Chrissa.
But she became a nun after a bad breakup in college and she's coming back to us on the rebound.
We're just not that kind of sanctuary.
I'm sorry.
Forgive me, Father.
I'm only about a quarter Catholic.
That's my first sin.
How may I help you, my child? I bet lots of women come here and confess stuff about married men.
And I know it's a sin.
But, on average do these women strike you as happy or miserable? - Are you happy, my child? - No, no, no, not me.
I'm not the one.
Never mind.
Shall we talk about you? Me? Okay.
Quickly, I guess.
I'm a lawyer.
Let's just get that out of the way.
And the 1 Oth Commandment.
I covet all over.
Anything with decent glutes.
The premarital sex thing.
We don't need to go there.
There's one that haunts me.
Last year, I bed.
I can say it.
Bed.
I went to bed with a guy, partly because he had a- It was big, big, big.
God, I slept with it.
Him.
I often hear that size doesn't matter.
How was it? It was great.
Unbelievable.
You have no idea.
I assume you don't.
It was amazing, amazing, amazing.
Am I forgiven? - Still on the respirator.
- Does John know-? That Nelle Koufaxed him into the coma? No, not yet.
Who's with Renee? Old high school friend.
- Is there-? - No, they are just catching up.
Right.
This is Millie.
I told her all about you.
She can't- She can't wait for you to wake up.
I taught her a little song.
Green legs leaping Amphibial reaping Life zeal It's all in the keeping Be a frog Be a frog Be a frog Be a frog Nelle, hello.
You took him home.
Yeah, I guess they figured familiar surroundings.
The doctor can check up on him here.
It's a miracle he's back.
I don't understand how he could surface in a coma.
Why didn't he drown? It's just a miracle.
Yeah.
I expected better.
It is better.
I'm subtle.
I have problems with newness.
It doesn't make me feel sexual.
What? There's a naked nude woman lighting a fire! - Why'd she come? - She had keys? Yes, but we haven't spoken in months.
- Of all the times.
- Did you call her? No answer.
But I got one from Ling.
What happened? Richard and Ling went home and Whipper was waiting, naked.
What? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Richard, I told her that you might miss her.
- What? - Ally! What else did you say? That she shouldn't wait until it's too late.
- Ally! - That's why! I didn't tell her to go to your place naked! Ling.
Dumpling.
Macaroon.
Crouton.
Toast.
- You can't really sue him.
- Intentional emotional distress.
- Ling- - I saw naked, nude buttocks.
And a blond thing with big hair.
I'll never get over it.
It was just an old flame who wanted him back.
He had no idea.
You're on his side.
You're my friend, and I'm sideless.
- Ling- - No, I want to sue.
I can't sue a person in my own firm.
Fine.
Sideless.
I need to shop.
Took the morning off, I assume.
Matt, what are you doing here? I called your office to tell you what a great time I had.
They said that you weren't coming in until later.
So, I Can I come in? Well This is what married men do? Meet in private places.
We never broke up.
When college came, we went in different- You're married.
My marriage.
You shouldn't have come here.
Okay.
Goodbye.
Come in.
I'm sorry.
I feel like I just- Ally, you didn't do anything wrong and neither did Richard.
I just feel so humiliated.
I thought maybe- I just wanted to surprise him.
Can you imagine? I'm a judge, even.
I'm thinking instead of calling him to win him back - I'll take my clothes off.
- This is not about gender esteem.
If a man got naked in an ex's home, would that belittle him? Ally, he'd be arrested.
Right.
- I feel like- - Listen.
Here's a little game I play when I get lonely.
- Close your eyes.
Just close them.
- What? Think of a guy.
The perfect guy.
Even on your wedding day, the suit, the smile the night back at the hotel.
Now make a little sound that goes with that.
Now think of that man in his entirety: His habits, his hobbies, his friends what he laughs at, what's important to him.
Now think of living with him for the rest of your life.
Exactly.
Open.
We're wired to want what we can't have and don't want.
- Do you think? - Yeah.
We're women.
Yes, come in.
- This wouldn't be ex parte, I hope.
- Yes, I'm writing her a check.
We've come to settle and offer your client her job back.
What? Why? I think I'll let Sister Helen explain.
- Unfortunately- - Just tell them.
Your client's affair was well known throughout the abbey.
I just learned today that it was our priest who revealed it.
The priest? She'd confessed to him and Father O' Reilly who's no priest in my mind- - He broke the seal? - Much worse than that.
He has these little video cameras in the confessional.
Excuse me? He's been taping all the- He's trying to sell "World's Naughtiest Confessions.
" - He's making a documentary.
- What? He plans to leave the priesthood to be a TV producer.
Fox has given him a slot between " Deadliest Car Crashes" and "The Oral Office.
" With the things that people confess? The sex talk, yes.
Since that's how your client's secret- Have you seen the tape? No, he won't give it to us.
But tell Chrissa she's reinstated.
Great.
- He's not out of the woods yet.
- Still, off the respirator.
He's still in a coma.
I'm taking him home.
There's nothing they can do for him.
- Did he touch your face? - Sorry? You have a rash and their skin can be toxic.
Was he on your face? Actually, I tried to give him mouth-to-mouth so maybe - I must tell you something.
- I have to go.
Stefan didn't come floating up comatose.
He was conscious.
I beg your pardon? Georgia was on the toilet.
And he came jumping up and he jumped on her.
She threw him.
It hit me.
I panicked and threw him back.
She threw him back, then I threw him just as Richard opened a stall door.
He went splat.
And he slipped to the floor unconscious.
You were on the toilet and he jumped out? Yes.
Was it a fresh bowl? If you'll all excuse me, I need to take a moment.
I'm back.
I got my job back.
Yes, but Chrissa are you really sure this is your calling? - Sorry? - There are plenty of fish in- There's no sin in loving men.
Only pain.
I'm a nun, Ally.
I was meant to be a nun.
- You're sure? - Aren't you? Of course, I'm sure.
Okay.
Thank you again for saving me.
Yeah.
- Hey.
- Renee, hey.
- I kissed him.
- Matt? He came by, I asked him to leave.
I did great until I kissed him.
- There is no happy ending there.
- Some men do leave their wives and find happiness with the other woman.
It happens.
You're right, you're right.
But are you gonna see him again? You stinker! SDl Media Group