Animal Control (2023) s02e06 Episode Script

1
[CROWD BOOING]
Thank you so much for coming.
We had the Amazing Donald
performing between periods
and his rabbit got away.
Oh, we are very familiar with AD.
Congrats on the charges being dropped.
He lost 200 pigeons at a
corporate event last month.
[MAN] Come on! Get
that bunny off the ice!
Oh, the crowd's getting restless.
- [CROWD BOOING]
- Alright. Let's do this, Shred.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Woah!
- Hey!
- [CROWD BOOING]
We're the good guys!
Don't engage them. They're hockey fans.
They'll start throwing
stuff, like their babies.
Hold on, hold on.
Hey! Get him!
[THUD]
- [BANGING STICKS]
- Okay, excuse me.
Can I get a stick?
Okay. Here we go.
Okay. Here we go. Okay. Okay.
I'm coming. Here I come.
[SHRED] You got it!
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
You got it, Frank.
Nice and easy. Just hop in there, bunny.
[GOAL ALARM SOUNDS]
[CROWD CHEERING]
I think I just invented a new sport.
Yeah!
Woooo! [LAUGHS]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]
♪
♪
[SHRED] Man, your dating
profile is fire, Frank.
Look at that picture of you gardening.
I don't even know
what vegetable that is.
- It's so cool.
- It's parsnip.
And you should probably
familiarize yourself
with organisms on your
intellectual wavelength.
If I didn't know you were
real I'd think you're fake.
Man in uniform saving kittens,
community garden, 6'4"
Ashley and I have
been messaging non-stop
since we matched two weeks ago.
Isn't getting to know people the best?
But it's weird because I
now know so much about her.
I helped her pick out a rug.
I mean, we talk about everything
except for going on an actual date.
That's how dating is now.
It's why the birth rate is declining.
No. I'm gonna speed things
up. I'm gonna call her.
That's a mistake. Nobody calls.
Well, why would there be
a call button on the app
if nobody does that?
Truck 12 calling for back-up.
Frank is trying to call a lady
out of the blue on a dating app.
Truck 8 responding.
Don't do that. Nobody
does that. It's weird.
I'm calling.
[RINGING]
Standing by.
- Hello?
- Oh hey, Ashley, it's Frank.
- Okay.
- I know that, um,
we've been messaging a lot, but
I thought that uh, we
could actually talk.
And here's me talking. How are you?
To be honest, a little uncomfortable.
Ooh, that's not good.
Frank, watch your angle.
From that low you're
all neck. There you go.
Uh, do you want to
go to dinner sometime?
[HANGS UP]
The call dropped.
Oh, that was a delightful train wreck.
Delightful.
How did they find me? No way.
- No. Another gift from your secret admirer?
- Yes, Blummies.
- A what?
- Which is crazy, I don't know
- how they found these.
- What are Blummies?
- Blood gummies?
- Hmm.
Never caught on outside New Zealand.
There's so many of them. I
mean, do you guys want a pack?
I'll take some home.
Rick's an adventurous eater.
He once ate yogurt that had
been expired for two days.
Mm-hmm, crazy.
Hold on, this says that my
secret admirer is finally ready
to reveal themselves
tomorrow morning at 9:00.
You're not actually into
this walking, talking,
future true crime podcast, are you?
Well, they're really trying.
And not in a creepy,
calling-out-of-the-blue
- on a dating app kind of way.
- [PATEL] True.
Yeah, it's not creepy at all
to send blood-based candies
from an undisclosed location.
[PATEL] That's extortion!
Shred, get over here!
Our house flip is about to flop.
The bid from the contractor
came in. It's $10,000.
For a simple paint and carpet job?
For a simple paint and carpet job!
Okay, you're out, Greg.
Going with plan B. See ya. Patel. Send.
Okay, well we probably
should've had a quick side bar.
But it's cool. What's plan B?
Uh, plan B is we do it ourselves.
- Hell yeah.
- Right?
Are we capable of that?
Not only are we capable,
we cost zero dollars.
Okay, then yet again, hell yeah!
[BUZZING]
Pssst.
- [DOG WHIMPERS]
- Sorry.
Um, hey. So I know someone
that works at the DMV.
Oh, no one likes a braggart.
She ran the plates on
the car that dropped off
the Komodo dragon, no hits.
Oh. So, fake plates? Wait, what's that?
- [BARKS]
- Good point.
- Maybe a stolen car.
- That's what she thinks,
so she's gonna keep digging
and let me know if she
finds out anything else.
Okay.
So I heard about the call.
Yeah, I used my phone calling device
to make an actual call to a person.
- What a weirdo I am.
- Sorry, online dating sucks.
Yeah. It's a hellscape
of personality disorders.
I don't know why I can't just
meet someone in real life.
- Totally.
- Through a friend or something, right?
- Right.
- I mean, that way you could find somebody
compatible and possibly have a
shot at an actual relationship.
Exactly, 'cause actual
dating is the worst.
Yeah. It's the worst.
- Mm-hmm.
- I mean, do you have somebody in mind
or whatever? I really
don't care whatever.
Wait, are you are
you actually asking me
to set you up with somebody?
Please, I'm 6'4". I
don't need help dating.
Do you have somebody
in mind or whatever?
I really don't care whatever.
Wait, do you not want my
help or do you want my help?
'Cause I actually have someone in mind.
What's she like?
Okay, I'm confused so
I'm just gonna call Rick.
[RINGING]
[RICK] Hey there, long legs.
Hey Rick, you're on
speakerphone with Frank.
[CLEARS THROAT] What's up, my man?
Um, so what do you think
about Tiffany for Frank?
[RICK] Uh, I love it.
Frank, she's great.
She's a physical therapist.
[RICK] And she's also into
gardening so you have that in common.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, great.
And not that this matters
in the least, but
how would you describe her looks?
- [RICK] Take me off speaker.
- Okay.
Here.
I'm in.
[EMILY] I hope he likes Tiffany.
Oh, I'm sure he will, she's great.
And they have to like
us as a couple, too.
Yeah, we need 'em for game night.
I just think Frank and Tiffany
would be perfect together.
Do you think they would
go apple picking with us?
I'm getting sweaty
just thinking about it.
[LAUGHS]
Wait, yeah, you don't
you don't look so great.
[GAGS]
- Oh, what's what's happening?
- [GAGS]
- Oh.
- I think I overdid it on the Blummies.
- Oh, okay.
- Give me that bag.
Uh, what what bag? There is no bag!
- Wait, do you want this?
- [GROANS] Oh.
Just like anything, like
a receipt or [GAGGING]
Stop doing that 'cause
I'm a sympathetic vomiter.
[RETCHING]
It's climbing.
Oh, Frank, hey.
I'm so sorry, um, Rick's
actually in the parking lot.
He overdid it with the blood candies
and he's now sneezing diarrhea,
um, so we need to go to a car wash
and then probably an urgent care.
Everyone heard. No one's eating now.
Right. Okay, um, but I
Oh, okay. Hey, Tiffany, this is Frank.
- Hi.
- Frank, Tiffany.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
But I feel like I've seen you before.
Do you garden at the
Queen Ann community garden?
I do. Are you plot 14B?
- Yes, and you are 14A, right?
- I am, yeah.
[TIFFANY] You have all
of that amazing bok choy.
Gotta give credit to the 200 days
of annual rainfall that we get.
But your snow peas, you you
wouldn't believe them, Emily.
- Oh.
- They're perfect.
Um uh, Rick keeps
texting me actually,
and his texts are making
less and less sense,
I think he might be delirious so I um
- Go, go.
- I have to go.
- Go.
- I'm so sorry.
- Are you gonna be okay?
- BOTH: Yes..
You've introduced us and given
us quite a conversation starter.
[SHRED] Let me ask you something.
What's the first thing
you touch in a room?
- Door.
- At night.
- Light switch.
- Ding ding.
- Yeah.
- Look at these beauts.
What the authentic
craftsman style look?
I like the sound of that.
Oh my gosh. They work with dimmers.
- Dude no.
- It's like having 32 lights in one.
We have to, right?
Dude, it's a no-brainer. Give
the whole dining room a facelift.
- Yes!
- Yes!
- Oh God.
- What? What?
- It's Greg. It's the guy we fired.
- No.
- He's coming over here.
- Greg's here.
- He's right there.
- Don't say anything.
I'm gonna say something.
Gre [CLEARS THROAT] Greg.
Greg? [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
Greg. Hey man, what're
what're you doing around here?
I'm a general contractor.
I come here every day.
- Yeah, tell me about it.
- Totally.
- Yeah.
- So,
who'd you end up going with for the job?
Uh, we actually we decided
to tackle it ourselves.
Yep. You get it.
Lot of Red Vines for a
simple paint and carpet job.
Curious, do you think
this is enough paint
for the whole job, or ?
[SCOFFS]
You guys know what you're doing.
[KNOCKS]
And correct me if I'm wrong
but drywall is just wall?
Greg?
Oh hey. Is Rick alive?
Uh, yeah. He's keeping liquids down.
Um, how was the date last night?
Pretty good. I give the appetizers
a four, the goodnight kiss a nine.
I'd give it a full ten
but we clanked teeth.
Okay, well it sounds like Tiffany
had a good time, too, so
Wait, did she text you?
I texted her, actually.
Very casual, see how it went.
She gave your date a thumbs up.
Alright, well I will
accept that rave review.
Mm-hmm.
Wait a minute, uh, was it
an emoji or a text on its own
- or a reaction to a text? May I?
- Okay.
So it was a reaction to a text
which is not as good, right?
No, no, she had a good time, Frank.
You're exactly where you wanna be.
Oh, no, I'm not. I hate dating.
I just wanna skip to the part
where we're binge watching
- tv shows and gaining weight.
- Like a relationship?
I don't wanna put labels on things.
It's just that thing where you're
content and monogamous
and all that crap.
I could text her, propose
a second double date,
- maybe after work?
- What is going on
with you and double dates? Just
be alone with your boyfriend.
Have you guys run out of stories?
This is not about me, it's
about you finding someone
that you can, you know, bring to
game night or the apple orchard.
Apple picking, making apple tarts.
Cool. Let's text her. Great.
- Yeah? Okay.
- Sure.
- I mean, without the apple picking.
- Maybe.
- People get paid to pick apples.
- [MESSAGE ALERT]
Hey, Tiffany's in.
Told you she likes you.
That's great. What did she say?
- Thumbs up. Yeah.
- Great.
[PHONE ALARMS CHIMING]
[GASPS] Okay, here we go.
Wait, did you guys actually set alarms?
Oh yeah. T-minus five minutes
until you meet the
stalker of your dreams.
We found this on your locker.
I wanted to read it but
somebody wouldn't let me.
All will be revealed in the
In the multi-purpose
room. Yeah, I did take a peek.
Awe, you get to meet your
one true love in the room
- where we de-worm cats.
- Wow.
- Okay, I will take it from here.
- Awesome.
I think we should all just take it.
I I think this this is a me thing.
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, I mean
- I feel like a we we thing.
- Yeah, I'll go.
This has the potential
to be very romantic.
Oh, yes, romantic.
Once this person goes from
breaking into your locker
to breaking into your home
you'll be positively swooning.
Okay, shut up. I'm trying to be open
to the possibility of
something different
- Mm-hmm.
- And I'm willing to give this person
a chance as long as
they're over 18 and under
As long as they're over 18.
- Yeah.
- [GASPS]
[FRANK] Wow.
[EMILY] Oh, Victoria!
I knew it was water guy!
Oh my God, yeah. I can work with this.
Hi.
Uh
- Oh.
- Pardon me.
- Happy birthday, I guess.
- Yes, thank you.
So it's not sexy water guy?
- Yeah, so who is it, then?
- [BALLOONS POPPING]
Ta-dah!
[VICTORIA] Ah, there he is. Okay.
This is a prank. Well done, Frank.
- Oh, no, I didn't do this.
- Of course it was Templeton.
Literally the last person that
you would think it would be.
[EMILY] This is a twist.
- I got HR on hold
- Uh-huh.
- just in case this escalates.
- Mm-hmm.
But also I'm recording this
because this is too much.
- [EMILY] Yeah.
- [WHISPERS] I thought it would just be
- the two of us.
- [PATEL] Huh?
- We can't hear you over here.
- 'Cause I'm recording.
- [PATEL] Just turn it up just a little.
- I said I thought it would be the two of us,
but I've come this far
so I'm wondering if,
as your former secret admirer,
I could openly admire you on a date.
- [FRANK] You said you'd be open to anyone.
- No, thank you.
Ah, well that was
three months and $3,500
- that was not spent wisely?
- Oh, well, from where we're standing,
it was worth every penny.
Alright, well you can
tell a man's character
by how he reacts on his darkest moment
so I'm going to just leave
and do the right thing.
- Okay.
- Okay, everybody.
You have a
What's that smell?
Oh God, it smells like burning hooves.
Yeah.
Somebody has killed the
only thing I've ever loved.
Blummies.
Templeton.
Ohhh
- [SNIFFS]
- They jammed my boy.
They jammed my boy!
Oh boy.
You brought this evil into our house.
Woah, back, okay? Do not
turn this around on me.
A man asked me out. I said no
and, what, I deserve vengeance?
And I'm just putting this out there,
it could have been Rick.
He also likes Blummies.
Nope. This is Templeton level of petty.
He did this.
He probably did it while we
were still laughing at him.
He never complained,
- no matter what I put inside him.
- What?
That's tough wording, Frank.
Yogurt time.
I'm gonna come back, okay.
- Cheers!
- Cheers!
[CLINKING]
- Mmm.
- That is good.
- Mm-hmm.
- Glad we got the bottle.
Yeah, it really is the most
sophisticated way to get hammered.
- Be cool, my dear.
- I'm cool.
- I have your salads here.
- Oh, I don't believe we ordered salads.
Actually, uh, I took the liberty,
these salads are made with
vegetables from my garden.
What? Frank, that is
so thoughtful and sweet.
And I might have snuck
some of Tiffany's snow peas
and watermelon radishes in there.
- Oh.
- How delightfully unexpected.
Did you pick them from my plot?
I certainly did.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] Oh.
- It's so nice.
- It's so specific.
Rick, why aren't you doing
this kind of thing for me?
- Oh, you got me in trouble.
- Yeah, Rick, what the hell.
[LAUGHS] So great.
Um, if you'll excuse me, I'm
going to use the ladies room.
Okay.
Isn't she great?
- [TEMPLETON] Oh good, you're still here.
- No, I'm not.
You are, I see you.
And I only have one more
little care package for you.
Okay, if I open that
and it's a dead bird,
- I'm I'm gonna be so mad.
- Not a dead bird.
It's an invoice with all the receipts
for little New Zealand
lollies, and the basket,
the mileage from my trip to Spokane
to the specialty store for you.
You're seriously charging
me for your crush?
You led me on. You're like a
classic temptress from Oceania.
Okay. I did not lead you on.
I have shown you nothing
but contempt and distain.
- I really don't Playful?
- Playful contempt and distain.
And that is very confusing.
You have 30 days or
interest starts to accrue.
- Unless
- No.
Okay. You know what? I only date
women made in America, anyway.
Oh.
No.
- [BUZZING]
- You hear that?
That's the sound of
generational wealth accruing.
[LAUGHS]
Ugh.
The sawdust tastes like bad mushrooms.
- Yeah. What?
- Gross.
Oh, that's black mold.
- Black what?
- That's black mold.
- That's black mold.
- I'm not up on my molds
but is that worse than green?
It might just be that one little spot.
It's fine, just open it up.
- Open it up?
- Open it up!
Okay.
That seems bad.
It's probably just the
That's probably the end of it, right?
Probably.
Unless it goes down.
No chance it goes down, right?
We gotta get out of this house!
We gotta get out of this house!
You don't think the whole
salad thing was weird,
I mean, everybody cheered when
the guy did it on Instagram.
I'm just gonna say it,
I thought it was cute.
So cute, right? I mean,
also very masculine.
I think it might be good to acknowledge
that from Tiff's perspective,
it could have come
off as a bit invasive.
Invasive? Honey, excuse me, but what?
Well, you know, he just
stole her veggies
Stole? It's a community garden.
Basically an open field.
And if anything, her
reaction was a little nutty.
I mean, running away to the bathroom?
I just think you could have
used your own vegetables,
like simplified the gesture.
No. No, no, no. Mixing
is what makes it special.
Two people from different
plots coming together
- to form something new.
- Yes. Rick gets it.
Okay. Shall we just leave it at that?
Just say it's a grey area,
even though I'm right.
When do you think she's coming back?
She's gonna be back in a second.
- She's been gone 10 minutes.
- Babe
- What? She has.
- Emily, I think you're right. She ghosted me.
At the very least she's
sitting in a bathroom stall
- trying to figure out how to ghost me.
- No, I I didn't say that.
That's quite a leap, pal.
I mean, we'd see her if she
left, we're right by the door.
- The bathroom has a window.
- Honey, you're killing him.
You're not texting
Tiffany right now, are you?
I just want to let her
know that it is not okay.
You're typing pretty
hard over there, buddy.
Want a second set of eyes on that?
No, I'm just letting it roll,
don't wanna overthink it.
All caps, exclamation point,
exclamation point, send.
- [MESSAGE ALERT]
- Sorry, one of my clients called me.
Um did you text me?
No. Uh you know, I just um
my phone's unlocked and I
kinda move my finger on it
and it just spells words.
My snow peas are as hollow of flavor
as I am of good character?
- [EMILY] Oh, dear.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I'm gonna go.
Oh. Uh okay.
[MESSAGE ALERT]
Oh, yeah. Uh, thumbs down.
Wanna skip to dessert?
I'll order three bourbons.
Do you guys want anything?
[PHONE RINGING]
What can I do for you, Templeton?
Nice try, I know you sent the email.
- What email?
- Don't play dumb,
the one from the Royal
Highlander Quartet
inviting me to audition?
I don't even know what that is.
Come on, you sent me a fake email
from the preeminent bagpiper ensemble
in the Pacific Northwest
'cause you know I wanna be
taken seriously as a bagger.
Well, this might surprise you
but I didn't even know
that you play the bagpipes.
Really? So you don't remember me
in a tartan kilt at the cougar funeral
playing Tears in Heaven, or at the wake
when I brought the house
down with Sexual Healing?
Nope.
Huh.
Maybe you didn't send that email.
No, I didn't send it.
Okay. Thank you.
I'm gonna go now and if
you try and call me back
and it doesn't go through that's
because I blocked you forever, okay?
Bye.
[HONKING HORN]
Excuse me? Can I help you?
I'm here for the Royal
Highlander Quartet audition.
Auditorium's this way, right?
Hydrated, ready to blow pipe.
[BELL RINGS]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
[VICTORIA] That's him!
That's the creepy old man
- Oh geez.
- Pretending to be a student at this school!
- No.
- He's probably a pervert!
Oh no, no, no.
I'm [CLEARS THROAT] I'm
an animal control officer.
That blows pipe. Uh, bagpipe.
- Frank?
- Yeah.
What're you doing in the grooming
hammock with the lights off?
Good for my back and the
lights are on a motion sensor.
So, was justice served?
I don't know, you tell me.
That's the creepy old man
pretending to be a student
at this school! He's probably a pervert!
[LAUGHS]
That's good.
I uh, buried a panini
press behind the building.
It was a short and touching
service so thank you for that.
- How was your date?
- Crushed it.
- This is my celebratory dangle.
- [LAUGHS]
It was one of those dates
where the starter salad
turns into a "I never
wanna see you again" salad.
Oh, that's rough.
- Yeah.
- But I'm in no place to judge.
I actually thought I might
have a super sexy secret admirer
but instead I got Templeton.
Love, like cornhole, is a
game I'll never understand.
[HORN HONKING]
What was that?
That's the water
delivery guy. He's so hot.
I needed a palate cleanser. He
still thinks it's my birthday
and I told him to pick
me up after his shift.
Oh, well he brought the delivery
truck so I hope he takes you
to the most romantic
distribution center in town.
Goodnight, Frank.
Can you give me a push?
Hi. I recently made a
purchase I'd like to return.
Well, I know you're a
realtor, that's why I called.
[DIAL TONE]
Hello?
It's no use, buddy.
These closing docs are rock solid.
- I'm still in if you are.
- Oh, I'm still in.
Because legally neither
of us can walk away.
Yeah, that's what I found
in my due diligence, as well.
So, what's our next move?
I'll do it, but now
it's double the price.
When can you start?