Animals. (2016) s02e06 Episode Script
Rats.
1 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) Animals Animals (HORNS HONKING) (SNIFFS) (WHINES) (BELL RINGS) God, dude, this fucking sucks.
- This is your fault.
- It's not my fucking fault, Mike.
- Phil, Mike.
- What? What you've done is absolutely unacceptable.
You're lucky I didn't call the police.
Simon, you're a fucking rat snitch, dude.
You want to be our friend and you fucking come in here, you fucking tell on us? Well, you put a marker up my butt.
Dude, I can't believe I have to say this again.
It was a prank.
Have you ever heard of a prank before? Jamie Kennedy, Ashton Kutcher, Justin Bieber after Ashton Kutcher, those are all master prankers, dude.
- Hall of Fame of prankers right there.
- Hall of Fame.
Technically, Simon, you shoved the marker up your own butt.
Up your own butt.
Mr.
Leif, up his own butt.
Enough.
The two of you and your pranks have disrupted the school day countless times for countless students.
You've pranked too much.
Principal Leif, I don't know if you know this, but I don't have a dad.
And it's hard to grow up without a male influence in your life.
My buddy Mike, he's got a mom and a dad.
So I think that maybe he should bear the brunt of the punishment at this time - because he's got a mom and a dad.
- Fuck you, dude.
- I got no daddy, dude.
- You use that excuse for everything.
No, I don't.
Principal Leif, will you be my papa? My mama's real pretty, you can have sex with her.
Okay, enough, enough, enough.
I'm clearly not getting through to you.
So I have to issue a punishment.
Ring the punishment bell.
(BELL DINGS) - Community service all weekend.
- What? Come on.
You're gonna scrub the graffiti in the back hallway.
- Bell again.
- (DINGS) Also, Simon gets one re-prank on Phil.
- Yes! - That's just a prank law.
No bell.
Now get out of my sight.
(MUTTERING) Fucking Principal Little Dick - Principal what? - I didn't say anything.
- I said Principal Leif.
- I heard you say Principal Little Dick.
- Dude, just go, just go.
- I'm going.
Oh, Phil, one more thing.
Yeah, Principal Leif? Fuck you.
No one will believe I said it.
Saturday fucking community service, dude.
I feel like I'm a goddamn drunk driver or something.
- Mm.
- What is that? - Dude, check it out.
- Did you just draw that? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- Is that Saves the Day? - I fucking love that song, dude.
- I do, too.
- "You Vandal"? - Mmm, no.
See, you don't even know Saves the Day that well.
- I know, dude, I just don't know words.
- You don't even know.
I get all confused when it's written down.
It's weird to me.
Ooh, Michael! Is that a lyric from Newsies? What the fuck are you doing here, Simon? I'm spending time with my boys, my best friends.
- Okay.
- Are we seriously your best friends, dude? - Because we don't even like you at all.
- No.
That's weird, because I love you guys.
You're Phil and Mike, you're cool.
You don't care about anything.
Simon.
(BURPS) - (LAUGHS) Right, dude? - (LAUGHS) - Sick? - Sick.
I got one.
I got one.
(VOMITS) Ugh.
Sorry I made a mess.
Simon! Simon, we have to fucking clean that up now, dude.
What the fuck? - I'm so sorry, guys.
- God, Simon.
What can I do to be more like you guys? What can I do to be in the group? Simon, you're a dunce.
- You're a dweeb.
- I'm a dinger.
- Exactly, you're a dinger.
- You're getting it.
What you need is some sort of currency to make up for it.
Do you have a big house we can party at? A really hot sister that we could possibly make out with? Do you have a mom that keeps Oxycodone in her purse that she leaves around? - These are just ideas.
- Do you got anything, buddy? Because right now, you're just not cutting it.
Actually, um, yeah.
I, uh, I do have something cool.
But it's my secret.
- Hmm.
- So you have to promise on your mother's life, 'cause that's all you have, and both your parents' lives 'cause that's all you have, - that you're not gonna tell anyone! - Whoa.
And then I will show you the secret of a lifetime.
And if that doesn't get me into the cool kids club, I don't know what will.
Hmm.
- We're in.
Let's do this.
- Let's see what you got.
Yes! Follow me, boys.
God, did you see him curtsy? If it's a dead little kid he's been torturing, I'm gonna be super pissed.
Follow me, secret to show you Okay, no, no, no Gentlemen, prepare to be amazed.
Again, a reminder, mum's the word on this.
- What the fuck dude? - Holy shit.
Is that a fucking human baby? I call him Bebe.
- Bebe.
- Bebe.
Can I Can I touch it? Yes, but please, be delicate.
And move slowly.
- It smells so good.
- Careful, Phil.
I heard they're dangerous.
No, this one's trained.
Watch.
Bebe, ho-ho! - (BABY COOS) - Whoa, dude! Holy shit.
Oh, my God.
What the fuck, Simon? Shh, shh, shh, easy, girl.
Easy, girl.
He's actually a boy, but I call him a girl.
Like my real dad did to me.
- Hmm.
- Check this out, he loves to be fed.
Bebe, ho-ho! - Whoa, dude! - Wow.
- And he just eats it up.
- He eats it, that's incredible.
He doesn't have any teeth or anything.
- Look, he's chewing on me.
- MIKE: Wow.
Ow, it tickles.
I'm sorry, Simon, I just want to be clear.
No one knows about this? No, it's completely secret.
And I thank you guys for making the promise to keep it a secret earlier.
- Hey, Phil, can I talk to you over here.
- Yeah.
Sure.
I'm thinking the same exact thing you're thinking.
You have cartoon dollar signs coming out of your eyes.
Dude, this thing is a cash cow! Who wouldn't want to pay to see a human baby? Yes, dude, it's that Simpson's episode with the elephant, but we're charging to see a human baby.
- It's a modern day improvement.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No! We are not commercializing Bebe.
You know, there's a lot of upkeep that takes place when caring for a Bebe.
You gotta feed it.
You gotta clean it.
You gotta care for it.
Simon, you've been doing all that for the past few weeks, right? - Happily so.
- Great.
So you can keep doing that, and I'll just handle the front end of it.
- Yes.
Correct.
- Lot of attention on me and the baby.
Phil and the Baby Show, something like that.
Yeah, I'll handle, like, the money and production.
- Great.
This is fantastic.
- I think we figured out our roles.
- We're good.
- We're happy to have you aboard, Simon.
- Thank you, so much.
- Hey, Simon, hands in, buddy, huh? Phil and Mike, holding hands with us? Feels pretty good.
- All right.
- Bebe money on three.
ALL: One, two, three.
Bebe money! There's that smile.
I love you guys.
I love you guys.
Wow, so hard with the L word, dude.
(COUGHS) (SNIFFLES) Tom pens me a pink letter Says please could you lend me some Red Roulette (EXCITED CHATTERING) All right, human baby up close, guys! Two pence, two pence.
Throw the money in the hat.
- Andy, what's going on, man? - Okay, I'm not paying.
Oh, I'm sorry, what was that? I'm not gonna pay a friend to see a baby.
Andy, breathe in deep.
(SNIFFS) You smell that? It's a live human baby.
- There's nothing like that.
- It's alive? - Yes.
- I thought it was a dead baby.
- Oh, no, we're not - The baby's alive? - Yes, dude.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- And how much is it again? - Two pence.
That's all.
- Here's your fucking tuppence.
- There it is.
- Andy's seeing the baby.
- Andy! - Andy's on board, huh? - All right! Let me see the fucking baby.
PHIL: Is this thing on? Oh.
(FEEDBACK WHINES) Ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for, a live human baby! Mikey, curtain.
(CROWD GASPS) Bebe.
Bebe.
Oh, my God Oh, my God! Holy fucking shit! It's a fucking baby! It's bigger than me! Are you guys seeing this? Look at that! That thing is fucking huge! (LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING) (CHEERING) Bebe, save your energy now.
We got three more shows to do, okay? Ol' Papa Simon gonna take care of you now, Bebe.
Ol' Papa Simon here now to take care of you.
(CHANTING) Baby! Baby! Baby! Show us the baby! (APPLAUSE) (LAUGHING) Yes! Yes! It's the best every time! Okay, do it.
Come on, now, Bebe.
Okay, Phil, we're blowing in three.
Here we go now.
Okay, guys, ponchos up.
Oh, no, here it comes.
Here it comes.
(SNEEZES) Oh! - Yeah! - Got me wet! Haha! All right! Did you get it on you? I got it on me.
Ooh, wow, that was a wet one, Bebe.
Let me clean you up here.
Uh, Phil? Phil? - Hi.
- Yeah, Andy, what's up, man? Sorry, just trying to break down stuff for tonight.
No, I see that.
I need to see the baby.
- Real quick, if you don't mind.
- Oh, but, - you just saw the baby.
- Oh, I know.
That was actually the last show of the night.
- So we're gonna break down for tomorrow.
- I know, I get it.
Let me just see the baby one more time.
I can't explain it, please.
I need you to quiet down and walk away calmly.
- Baby! Baby, it's me! - Mike, get in here.
- Baby's off the clock! - Oh, my God! - You brought this on your self, Andy.
- No! No! No! - You brought this on yourself, okay? - Come on! I hate this.
I hate this, too.
This is the fucking good life, dude.
I've never seen this much money before in my life.
- Think all the shit we could buy, dude.
- Bills, bills, bills.
Dude, we should get all of 311 on vinyl.
Vinyl is like CDs, but bigger and they're harder to play, and like, they sounded better in the '70s or something like that.
- Right.
- I don't really know, but they cost a lot.
- It's gonna be sick.
- Cool.
I'm gonna buy expensive-ass chain wallets at Rat Hot Topic.
- Dude, Zippo lighters.
- Zippo lighters, man! We could get 'em engraved with our names on 'em.
Yeah.
I'll get one that says Mike and you get one that says Phil.
- That'd be so funny and cute.
- Maybe.
Well, just be sure to spend your pennies wisely, gentlemen.
I wouldn't get too excited.
Simon, what the fuck are you talking about, dude? Look at all this money.
Mike and I are fucking rich.
Well, I just want to make sure you're fiscally responsible because the deals you guys signed Well, I've got 'em right here, actually.
- What? - Let me see this.
- Mike, what are those numbers? - Wait Are those in our favor or his favor? Okay, let's see, so I get a finder's fee, 70% overall ownership, and 55% on merchandising.
Wha I And I guess you guys get a little bit less than that.
- I - I hope there are no objections.
My uncle's a pretty powerful rat lawyer.
And let's just say he's behind bars.
- What? - What the fuck? (HUMMING) Okay, we're in trouble here.
Contractually, Simon is our boss.
Simon's my boss? But he's littler than us? And I'm cooler than him in school.
- He got us.
- Why didn't you read the freaking thing? - You're the smart one.
- Aargh! I literally thought he wanted our autographs.
I know, he's such a fucking nerd that I thought that too.
- Yeah.
- I didn't read that piece of paper.
I don't have a dad, so I don't know how to read, okay? That's my problem.
Boys, I see a lot of talking, not a lot of working.
Phil, you're on diaper duty, and, Mike, you're on nail clipping this week.
That baby's butt isn't gonna clean itself.
Trust me.
(LAUGHS) Spent a lot of time with that butthole.
(HUMMING) Why the hell am I on ass duty when Mike just gets to clip the toenails? This freaking sucks.
Heh.
Ass doodie.
(WHISPERS IN ELVISH) All right, this isn't so Ba Oh, God, no! Fuck.
(CHEERING) No, no, no, no, no.
No.
No, you listen to me! No, fuck you! I told you! Bebe don't do birthday parties! Okay, okay.
You take the phone you're talking to me with and you shove it right up your goddamn ass! Piece of fucking shit! Hey, Diane, hold my calls, okay, sweetie? (INHALES) Ooh! Simon's house! Ooh, I'm the king of the castle, baby! I own rat town! Whoo! (BEBE COOS, FARTS) Guys, come on, it's a human fucking baby.
It's the seventh wonder of the fucking sewers! I'm bored with the baby.
I hate this baby.
Fuck your baby! Andy, come on, you want to see the baby, right? Not really.
I'm not interested.
How are you not interested? You were just obsessed with the baby, dude! I don't know.
It lost its luster.
We just need to hit our minimum for the day or else Simon's gonna come down on me, dude.
- Wow.
Look at you.
- Andy, don't look at me like that.
- Don't fucking look at me like that.
- I gotta go.
Dude, where are you fucking going, man? This This is not fun anymore, right? No.
Why don't we just let the baby go free? I mean, this is honestly starting to feel like Blackfish or something.
- Yeah.
- Like Whitebaby.
- Yeah.
That's actually a good one.
- Heh.
Thanks.
You know what? Fuck this, dude.
Let's just quit.
Bebe (SPEAKS ELVISH) Hey, Simon, I gotta tell you, man.
I don't think Ack! Oh, what the fuck? That was funny.
I'll pay tuppence for that shit.
Did you see that fucking pussy sucker punch me? Hey, hit him back! (CHEERING) - (WHISTLING) - Whoo! Hey, Phil, why don't you, uh, fight the baby? (CHEERING) Dude, Simon, you were the one who was worried about its health before.
We are not resorting to violence for cheap entertainment.
- Poop jokes, maybe, but not violence.
- Yeah.
It's cheap.
Look around, guys.
Just seconds ago, they were about to walk out.
As soon as that baby hit you, it's all eyes on us.
No one wants this baby act anymore.
We need to spice things up, okay? Or we're gonna be flat on our asses - sucking each other off for laughs, man! - What? Look, I got expensive habits now, and Daddy wants what Daddy gets.
And if Daddy needs to open up a diamond mine to get some blood, he'll fuck a dead dog to do it.
- Simon, you took a turn.
- I kinda like him though - 'cause he's like, dark and confident.
- Yeah.
Seems to me like Phil and Mike are both pussy-ass babies themselves! I'm not a fucking baby.
I'm not a fucking pussy.
- We're not fucking babies.
- Straight up, dude.
- Prove it! - Fine.
Ahem.
Give me that Mic.
On Sunday night I'm gonna fuck this baby up! (CHEERING) Do you find it gets a little easier Each time you make it disappear? Oh, fools, the magician bends the rules As the crowd watches his every move (WHISTLING) I'm just crazy about my little tulip I love her so, I love her so (HUMMING) Tulip, I'm home! Ugh, it was a hell of a day at work, I'll tell you that much.
- (MALE) Oh, yeah, baby! Oh God.
- Hello? What is that? - The sound of a man moaning? - Oh, you're so beautiful.
Hmm.
Sounds like a porno movie.
Is Tulip watching a stag film? - You're my queen, baby.
I'm your drone.
- Tulip? Oh, give me that pollen! Get it all over my legs! Hey! What the fuck is this?! Oh, shit, sorry, sorry.
I got I got Who the fuck are you?! I can explain, I'm sorry! What the fuck?! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Okay, my name's Todd.
I didn't know she was your flower.
- Todd? - Yeah.
- From the gym? - Yeah, from the gym at the hive.
I saw you shit in the shower! Right.
That's my thing.
- Why are you pollinating with my Tulip?! - She didn't She didn't tell me she was committed, okay? - I didn't know this was happening.
- Just shut up for a minute, okay? Can I talk to my woman? Tulip, sweetie, baby.
I thought things were going so great between us? You know? I I know.
I know.
And I'm working on that.
But that's what I'm saying.
No, no, no, you go.
I don't want to interrupt.
(SNIFFS) I wish I had a time machine and make everything right again.
(CRYING) Listen, man, I think I'm gonna just buzz off, I'm gonna bee out.
Hey, listen, this isn't a Jerry Seinfeld movie, okay, this is life.
Did he make a movie? I thought he was a TV guy? You didn't audition for that? No, I don't I don't audition a lot.
I did some motion capture on that film.
It was a good experience.
Oh, wow, that's really cool.
Mm-hmm.
We improv'ed a lot, too.
Oh, Jerry Seinfeld's one of the funniest comedians of all time.
- He's one of the greats.
- Yeah.
Bee Movie, it's called.
You know, if the circumstances were different, maybe I'd consider you a friend, but she's my flower, man! I thought all these flowers were fair game, man, I'm sorry.
I didn't - Whip it out.
- What? You whip it out.
- Whip it out Oh, really? - I wanna see it.
Is that what it's coming down to? What do you got that I don't have, huh? We don't need to do this to prove anything.
What's the matter? You're ashamed of your stinger now? I'm not ashamed of anything.
Check this out.
What are you doing? Ha! Nice and sharp, huh? You gotta take a chill pill.
- Come on, pull it out.
- Sorry.
- Come on, come on.
- No, man.
It's okay.
You don't have the wings? You don't have the wings? I'm not All right, you wanna see it? I wanna see it.
Here you go.
(GASPS) The fuck is that, dude? It's a beautiful stinger, is what that is.
Look at that.
Well, I I got nothing.
You got nothing on that? I'm gonna beat the fucking shit out of you! Oh, yeah? Your ass is grass, and I'm a lawn mower, bro! Ooh-hoo-hoo! You son of a Come here! (BOTH GRUNTING) Stan You honey sucking bee - Oh, wow - Hey, hey, shut up.
Just listen.
I just can't be for you You know? I gotta be true To what I have to do (SNIFFS) That's my Tulip.
- That's our Tulip.
- Our Tulip.
But pollination Is bigger than me and you It really puts it in perspective, doesn't it? It's a subtle vibration - (MUSIC ENDS) - Aah! He killed her! He fucking killed her! Oh, no! Let's sting this guy! Are you kidding me? If we sting this guy, it's curtains for both of us.
I'm in.
Are you? - For Tulip.
- For Tulip.
Good night, cruel world.
- Kamikaze! - Kamikaze! In other news, two bees have kamikazed themselves in what seems to be a lovers' quarrel.
Suffice it to say the hive will not mourn this selfish insolence.
Love live the hive! All hail the hive! All hail the hive And Jerry Seinfeld Is our one, true god Chocolate, cinnamon sugar Brochures! Brochures! Phil versus the Baby! Fresh merch right here! We got hats, caps, shirts, bandannas.
We got a tuft of the baby's fucking hair! We got a vial of its blood! Look at this shark's tooth necklace, but that's the baby's toenail.
One of a kind! You want a T-shirt, kid? You know what? Fuck off! (DRAMATIC MUSIC STARTS) (CROWD CHEERS) Ladies and gentlemen, at a whopping 3.
5 inches tall, please put your hands together for Phil! (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) (CROWD BOOING) (CRACKING) (MURMURING) And in the other corner, weighing in at over 400 pounds, The Baby! (SPEAKS ELVISH) Bebe, up-up! (CROWD GASPS) As the prophecies foretold the baby walks.
- Oh, my God, his first steps.
- Aww.
My God, it's beautiful.
Such grace, such beauty.
Yes.
I'm a god now.
(SCREAMING) I am a god now! (PEOPLE MURMURING) Phil! You thought you could bully me? Boss me around? Why? Because I'm a dork? Because I'm a dinger? Well, fuck you, man! I just wanted to be friends.
Is that so bad? Am I so bad? It's fucking hard being a teenager.
Growing up is hard.
But instead of banding together, we just treat each other like shit just to try to get laughs.
A marker? Up my butt? You know, if you'd have just let me be your friend, I would have shoved a lot worse things up my butt.
We're all scared, we're all confused, and we are alone.
But this ends tonight.
This is between you and me, Phil.
Aah! - Oof! - (BELL DINGS) Haha! Come on, you guys are loving this! New York City! Is this what you wanted? You wanna see some blood? You wanna see some blood, motherfuckers? - Yeah! - (GRUNTING) Yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, Phil.
Oh, look, Phil's sucking my dick.
Oh-ho-ho! You like that, Phil? You shouldn't have fucked with me! Haha! Simon and the Baby rule! Ho-ho, got me out of the house tonight.
Now I'm sucking Phil's dick.
Ungh.
Didn't see that one coming.
Look at that! Oh, I'm so gay.
Yeah, right.
(SIRENS BLARING) - Oww.
- You like that? No, fuck off, Simon.
I'm gonna steal Michael away from you.
Stop! Stop fighting! No, he's all I have! Don't you get it, Simon? I'm insecure.
Well, I have no one! Fuck Phil! Who's Principal Little Dick now, you little shit? All right, lot of eyes on me.
Probably shouldn't be here.
I'm gonna go.
Simon, please I'll do anything, dude, just fucking stop, please.
Anything? Yeah, dude, fucking anything.
Oh (LAUGHS) I suppose I deserve this.
Daniel, spotlight.
I want everybody to see.
Oh, and Phil, leave the cap on, this time.
With the cap on it's even wider than the base.
Ugh.
(CROWD GASPS) It's deuce ex machine time.
Run! Everybody run! Move! (ALL SHOUTING) Women and children last! Get out of my way! Go, get out of here! Bebe! (SHOUTS IN ELVISH) You're your own Bebe, now.
Get out of here, go.
Go on, get! (SHOUTS IN ELVISH) (CRYING) (SCHOOL BELL RINGS) Okay, so you two did absolutely no community service.
Well, I mean, we tried, and then we got sidetracked.
And, Simon, you tamed a human baby and made it your slave, - which is a big no-no.
- What? Ugh.
But, I gotta say, that little show you put on was a lot of fun, boys.
(CHUCKLES) It was, pardon my French, fucking balls-out crazy.
Ha.
He cursed.
And I don't think any of your parents would like it if they knew I was there, so we're all good.
Everybody's off the hook.
- All right.
- Nice, dude.
That's mighty cool of you, Principal Leif.
Oh, get out of here, you scamps.
All right.
Thank you, Principal.
See you, Principal Leif.
Hey, um, I don't know what you're doing right now, but we have a free period, and we usually just, like, carve stuff into desks in the library - if you want to come with us.
- Yeah, that kind of stuff.
Gentlemen, it would be my honor.
Cool, man.
Oh, Phil, one more thing.
Oh, um, I'll catch up with you guys.
Oh, cool, yeah.
Don't fill up the whole desk this time, okay? Okay, cool.
"Fill up," like my name.
We'll leave some space for you, Phil.
Haha, thanks, dude.
Hey, what's up Principal Lit I mean, Principal Leif? Look, Phil, this is a little delicate, but I'm just gonna say it.
Go ahead.
When you got in trouble, I called your mother on the telephone.
And, um well, we sort of hit it off.
We went out on a few dates, - and - What? Well, I asked her to marry me, Phil.
- What? - We're getting married, Phil.
My mom? I'm going to be your new dad.
I got tickets to the triple-A ball game this weekend.
I hope you'll come with me.
Get some hot dogs and a coke.
Really get to know each other.
How's that sound? I don't know what to say, Principal Leif.
I mean, can Can I call you Daddy? - Oh, boy.
- Can I hug you? - Oh, this is brutal.
- What's brutal? Oh! Ho-ho-ho! Simon? What are you doing here? - You just got re-pranked! - Dude, you just got got! You were on the intercom, the whole school heard you! What the fuck? Did you You thought you had a dad? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Principal Leif, that was a prank? No, I would never marry your mother.
Your mother's a dump.
Haha! Phil thought he had a dad! (LAUGHING) I fucking knew it was a joke, dude.
You thought you had a dad.
No, dude, it was a joke on all of you guys.
Simon, that was hilarious, good job, dude.
Hey, great job to you, Mike.
Let's do our secret handshake.
No! I'm losing Mike! (CRYING) What's happening here? Daddy! - MIKE: Oh - (SOBBING) Stan You honey-sucking bee (COOS) Oh, Bebe, I wish you were there to see it.
He cried like a Well, like a baby.
Haha.
And then he got mad, he spray-painted Principal Leif's car, and that got him a suspension.
It's a whole thing.
Yeah.
I have a feeling he's not going to graduate with us on time.
(DOOR OPENS) Oh, shoot, your mom's coming.
Okay, I'll talk to you later, bye.
And remember (SPEAKS ELVISH) I'll always love you But pollination Is bigger Than me and you Pollination It's a subtle vibration And hey, Stan Don't ever Tell me what to do
- This is your fault.
- It's not my fucking fault, Mike.
- Phil, Mike.
- What? What you've done is absolutely unacceptable.
You're lucky I didn't call the police.
Simon, you're a fucking rat snitch, dude.
You want to be our friend and you fucking come in here, you fucking tell on us? Well, you put a marker up my butt.
Dude, I can't believe I have to say this again.
It was a prank.
Have you ever heard of a prank before? Jamie Kennedy, Ashton Kutcher, Justin Bieber after Ashton Kutcher, those are all master prankers, dude.
- Hall of Fame of prankers right there.
- Hall of Fame.
Technically, Simon, you shoved the marker up your own butt.
Up your own butt.
Mr.
Leif, up his own butt.
Enough.
The two of you and your pranks have disrupted the school day countless times for countless students.
You've pranked too much.
Principal Leif, I don't know if you know this, but I don't have a dad.
And it's hard to grow up without a male influence in your life.
My buddy Mike, he's got a mom and a dad.
So I think that maybe he should bear the brunt of the punishment at this time - because he's got a mom and a dad.
- Fuck you, dude.
- I got no daddy, dude.
- You use that excuse for everything.
No, I don't.
Principal Leif, will you be my papa? My mama's real pretty, you can have sex with her.
Okay, enough, enough, enough.
I'm clearly not getting through to you.
So I have to issue a punishment.
Ring the punishment bell.
(BELL DINGS) - Community service all weekend.
- What? Come on.
You're gonna scrub the graffiti in the back hallway.
- Bell again.
- (DINGS) Also, Simon gets one re-prank on Phil.
- Yes! - That's just a prank law.
No bell.
Now get out of my sight.
(MUTTERING) Fucking Principal Little Dick - Principal what? - I didn't say anything.
- I said Principal Leif.
- I heard you say Principal Little Dick.
- Dude, just go, just go.
- I'm going.
Oh, Phil, one more thing.
Yeah, Principal Leif? Fuck you.
No one will believe I said it.
Saturday fucking community service, dude.
I feel like I'm a goddamn drunk driver or something.
- Mm.
- What is that? - Dude, check it out.
- Did you just draw that? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- Is that Saves the Day? - I fucking love that song, dude.
- I do, too.
- "You Vandal"? - Mmm, no.
See, you don't even know Saves the Day that well.
- I know, dude, I just don't know words.
- You don't even know.
I get all confused when it's written down.
It's weird to me.
Ooh, Michael! Is that a lyric from Newsies? What the fuck are you doing here, Simon? I'm spending time with my boys, my best friends.
- Okay.
- Are we seriously your best friends, dude? - Because we don't even like you at all.
- No.
That's weird, because I love you guys.
You're Phil and Mike, you're cool.
You don't care about anything.
Simon.
(BURPS) - (LAUGHS) Right, dude? - (LAUGHS) - Sick? - Sick.
I got one.
I got one.
(VOMITS) Ugh.
Sorry I made a mess.
Simon! Simon, we have to fucking clean that up now, dude.
What the fuck? - I'm so sorry, guys.
- God, Simon.
What can I do to be more like you guys? What can I do to be in the group? Simon, you're a dunce.
- You're a dweeb.
- I'm a dinger.
- Exactly, you're a dinger.
- You're getting it.
What you need is some sort of currency to make up for it.
Do you have a big house we can party at? A really hot sister that we could possibly make out with? Do you have a mom that keeps Oxycodone in her purse that she leaves around? - These are just ideas.
- Do you got anything, buddy? Because right now, you're just not cutting it.
Actually, um, yeah.
I, uh, I do have something cool.
But it's my secret.
- Hmm.
- So you have to promise on your mother's life, 'cause that's all you have, and both your parents' lives 'cause that's all you have, - that you're not gonna tell anyone! - Whoa.
And then I will show you the secret of a lifetime.
And if that doesn't get me into the cool kids club, I don't know what will.
Hmm.
- We're in.
Let's do this.
- Let's see what you got.
Yes! Follow me, boys.
God, did you see him curtsy? If it's a dead little kid he's been torturing, I'm gonna be super pissed.
Follow me, secret to show you Okay, no, no, no Gentlemen, prepare to be amazed.
Again, a reminder, mum's the word on this.
- What the fuck dude? - Holy shit.
Is that a fucking human baby? I call him Bebe.
- Bebe.
- Bebe.
Can I Can I touch it? Yes, but please, be delicate.
And move slowly.
- It smells so good.
- Careful, Phil.
I heard they're dangerous.
No, this one's trained.
Watch.
Bebe, ho-ho! - (BABY COOS) - Whoa, dude! Holy shit.
Oh, my God.
What the fuck, Simon? Shh, shh, shh, easy, girl.
Easy, girl.
He's actually a boy, but I call him a girl.
Like my real dad did to me.
- Hmm.
- Check this out, he loves to be fed.
Bebe, ho-ho! - Whoa, dude! - Wow.
- And he just eats it up.
- He eats it, that's incredible.
He doesn't have any teeth or anything.
- Look, he's chewing on me.
- MIKE: Wow.
Ow, it tickles.
I'm sorry, Simon, I just want to be clear.
No one knows about this? No, it's completely secret.
And I thank you guys for making the promise to keep it a secret earlier.
- Hey, Phil, can I talk to you over here.
- Yeah.
Sure.
I'm thinking the same exact thing you're thinking.
You have cartoon dollar signs coming out of your eyes.
Dude, this thing is a cash cow! Who wouldn't want to pay to see a human baby? Yes, dude, it's that Simpson's episode with the elephant, but we're charging to see a human baby.
- It's a modern day improvement.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No! We are not commercializing Bebe.
You know, there's a lot of upkeep that takes place when caring for a Bebe.
You gotta feed it.
You gotta clean it.
You gotta care for it.
Simon, you've been doing all that for the past few weeks, right? - Happily so.
- Great.
So you can keep doing that, and I'll just handle the front end of it.
- Yes.
Correct.
- Lot of attention on me and the baby.
Phil and the Baby Show, something like that.
Yeah, I'll handle, like, the money and production.
- Great.
This is fantastic.
- I think we figured out our roles.
- We're good.
- We're happy to have you aboard, Simon.
- Thank you, so much.
- Hey, Simon, hands in, buddy, huh? Phil and Mike, holding hands with us? Feels pretty good.
- All right.
- Bebe money on three.
ALL: One, two, three.
Bebe money! There's that smile.
I love you guys.
I love you guys.
Wow, so hard with the L word, dude.
(COUGHS) (SNIFFLES) Tom pens me a pink letter Says please could you lend me some Red Roulette (EXCITED CHATTERING) All right, human baby up close, guys! Two pence, two pence.
Throw the money in the hat.
- Andy, what's going on, man? - Okay, I'm not paying.
Oh, I'm sorry, what was that? I'm not gonna pay a friend to see a baby.
Andy, breathe in deep.
(SNIFFS) You smell that? It's a live human baby.
- There's nothing like that.
- It's alive? - Yes.
- I thought it was a dead baby.
- Oh, no, we're not - The baby's alive? - Yes, dude.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- And how much is it again? - Two pence.
That's all.
- Here's your fucking tuppence.
- There it is.
- Andy's seeing the baby.
- Andy! - Andy's on board, huh? - All right! Let me see the fucking baby.
PHIL: Is this thing on? Oh.
(FEEDBACK WHINES) Ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for, a live human baby! Mikey, curtain.
(CROWD GASPS) Bebe.
Bebe.
Oh, my God Oh, my God! Holy fucking shit! It's a fucking baby! It's bigger than me! Are you guys seeing this? Look at that! That thing is fucking huge! (LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING) (CHEERING) Bebe, save your energy now.
We got three more shows to do, okay? Ol' Papa Simon gonna take care of you now, Bebe.
Ol' Papa Simon here now to take care of you.
(CHANTING) Baby! Baby! Baby! Show us the baby! (APPLAUSE) (LAUGHING) Yes! Yes! It's the best every time! Okay, do it.
Come on, now, Bebe.
Okay, Phil, we're blowing in three.
Here we go now.
Okay, guys, ponchos up.
Oh, no, here it comes.
Here it comes.
(SNEEZES) Oh! - Yeah! - Got me wet! Haha! All right! Did you get it on you? I got it on me.
Ooh, wow, that was a wet one, Bebe.
Let me clean you up here.
Uh, Phil? Phil? - Hi.
- Yeah, Andy, what's up, man? Sorry, just trying to break down stuff for tonight.
No, I see that.
I need to see the baby.
- Real quick, if you don't mind.
- Oh, but, - you just saw the baby.
- Oh, I know.
That was actually the last show of the night.
- So we're gonna break down for tomorrow.
- I know, I get it.
Let me just see the baby one more time.
I can't explain it, please.
I need you to quiet down and walk away calmly.
- Baby! Baby, it's me! - Mike, get in here.
- Baby's off the clock! - Oh, my God! - You brought this on your self, Andy.
- No! No! No! - You brought this on yourself, okay? - Come on! I hate this.
I hate this, too.
This is the fucking good life, dude.
I've never seen this much money before in my life.
- Think all the shit we could buy, dude.
- Bills, bills, bills.
Dude, we should get all of 311 on vinyl.
Vinyl is like CDs, but bigger and they're harder to play, and like, they sounded better in the '70s or something like that.
- Right.
- I don't really know, but they cost a lot.
- It's gonna be sick.
- Cool.
I'm gonna buy expensive-ass chain wallets at Rat Hot Topic.
- Dude, Zippo lighters.
- Zippo lighters, man! We could get 'em engraved with our names on 'em.
Yeah.
I'll get one that says Mike and you get one that says Phil.
- That'd be so funny and cute.
- Maybe.
Well, just be sure to spend your pennies wisely, gentlemen.
I wouldn't get too excited.
Simon, what the fuck are you talking about, dude? Look at all this money.
Mike and I are fucking rich.
Well, I just want to make sure you're fiscally responsible because the deals you guys signed Well, I've got 'em right here, actually.
- What? - Let me see this.
- Mike, what are those numbers? - Wait Are those in our favor or his favor? Okay, let's see, so I get a finder's fee, 70% overall ownership, and 55% on merchandising.
Wha I And I guess you guys get a little bit less than that.
- I - I hope there are no objections.
My uncle's a pretty powerful rat lawyer.
And let's just say he's behind bars.
- What? - What the fuck? (HUMMING) Okay, we're in trouble here.
Contractually, Simon is our boss.
Simon's my boss? But he's littler than us? And I'm cooler than him in school.
- He got us.
- Why didn't you read the freaking thing? - You're the smart one.
- Aargh! I literally thought he wanted our autographs.
I know, he's such a fucking nerd that I thought that too.
- Yeah.
- I didn't read that piece of paper.
I don't have a dad, so I don't know how to read, okay? That's my problem.
Boys, I see a lot of talking, not a lot of working.
Phil, you're on diaper duty, and, Mike, you're on nail clipping this week.
That baby's butt isn't gonna clean itself.
Trust me.
(LAUGHS) Spent a lot of time with that butthole.
(HUMMING) Why the hell am I on ass duty when Mike just gets to clip the toenails? This freaking sucks.
Heh.
Ass doodie.
(WHISPERS IN ELVISH) All right, this isn't so Ba Oh, God, no! Fuck.
(CHEERING) No, no, no, no, no.
No.
No, you listen to me! No, fuck you! I told you! Bebe don't do birthday parties! Okay, okay.
You take the phone you're talking to me with and you shove it right up your goddamn ass! Piece of fucking shit! Hey, Diane, hold my calls, okay, sweetie? (INHALES) Ooh! Simon's house! Ooh, I'm the king of the castle, baby! I own rat town! Whoo! (BEBE COOS, FARTS) Guys, come on, it's a human fucking baby.
It's the seventh wonder of the fucking sewers! I'm bored with the baby.
I hate this baby.
Fuck your baby! Andy, come on, you want to see the baby, right? Not really.
I'm not interested.
How are you not interested? You were just obsessed with the baby, dude! I don't know.
It lost its luster.
We just need to hit our minimum for the day or else Simon's gonna come down on me, dude.
- Wow.
Look at you.
- Andy, don't look at me like that.
- Don't fucking look at me like that.
- I gotta go.
Dude, where are you fucking going, man? This This is not fun anymore, right? No.
Why don't we just let the baby go free? I mean, this is honestly starting to feel like Blackfish or something.
- Yeah.
- Like Whitebaby.
- Yeah.
That's actually a good one.
- Heh.
Thanks.
You know what? Fuck this, dude.
Let's just quit.
Bebe (SPEAKS ELVISH) Hey, Simon, I gotta tell you, man.
I don't think Ack! Oh, what the fuck? That was funny.
I'll pay tuppence for that shit.
Did you see that fucking pussy sucker punch me? Hey, hit him back! (CHEERING) - (WHISTLING) - Whoo! Hey, Phil, why don't you, uh, fight the baby? (CHEERING) Dude, Simon, you were the one who was worried about its health before.
We are not resorting to violence for cheap entertainment.
- Poop jokes, maybe, but not violence.
- Yeah.
It's cheap.
Look around, guys.
Just seconds ago, they were about to walk out.
As soon as that baby hit you, it's all eyes on us.
No one wants this baby act anymore.
We need to spice things up, okay? Or we're gonna be flat on our asses - sucking each other off for laughs, man! - What? Look, I got expensive habits now, and Daddy wants what Daddy gets.
And if Daddy needs to open up a diamond mine to get some blood, he'll fuck a dead dog to do it.
- Simon, you took a turn.
- I kinda like him though - 'cause he's like, dark and confident.
- Yeah.
Seems to me like Phil and Mike are both pussy-ass babies themselves! I'm not a fucking baby.
I'm not a fucking pussy.
- We're not fucking babies.
- Straight up, dude.
- Prove it! - Fine.
Ahem.
Give me that Mic.
On Sunday night I'm gonna fuck this baby up! (CHEERING) Do you find it gets a little easier Each time you make it disappear? Oh, fools, the magician bends the rules As the crowd watches his every move (WHISTLING) I'm just crazy about my little tulip I love her so, I love her so (HUMMING) Tulip, I'm home! Ugh, it was a hell of a day at work, I'll tell you that much.
- (MALE) Oh, yeah, baby! Oh God.
- Hello? What is that? - The sound of a man moaning? - Oh, you're so beautiful.
Hmm.
Sounds like a porno movie.
Is Tulip watching a stag film? - You're my queen, baby.
I'm your drone.
- Tulip? Oh, give me that pollen! Get it all over my legs! Hey! What the fuck is this?! Oh, shit, sorry, sorry.
I got I got Who the fuck are you?! I can explain, I'm sorry! What the fuck?! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Okay, my name's Todd.
I didn't know she was your flower.
- Todd? - Yeah.
- From the gym? - Yeah, from the gym at the hive.
I saw you shit in the shower! Right.
That's my thing.
- Why are you pollinating with my Tulip?! - She didn't She didn't tell me she was committed, okay? - I didn't know this was happening.
- Just shut up for a minute, okay? Can I talk to my woman? Tulip, sweetie, baby.
I thought things were going so great between us? You know? I I know.
I know.
And I'm working on that.
But that's what I'm saying.
No, no, no, you go.
I don't want to interrupt.
(SNIFFS) I wish I had a time machine and make everything right again.
(CRYING) Listen, man, I think I'm gonna just buzz off, I'm gonna bee out.
Hey, listen, this isn't a Jerry Seinfeld movie, okay, this is life.
Did he make a movie? I thought he was a TV guy? You didn't audition for that? No, I don't I don't audition a lot.
I did some motion capture on that film.
It was a good experience.
Oh, wow, that's really cool.
Mm-hmm.
We improv'ed a lot, too.
Oh, Jerry Seinfeld's one of the funniest comedians of all time.
- He's one of the greats.
- Yeah.
Bee Movie, it's called.
You know, if the circumstances were different, maybe I'd consider you a friend, but she's my flower, man! I thought all these flowers were fair game, man, I'm sorry.
I didn't - Whip it out.
- What? You whip it out.
- Whip it out Oh, really? - I wanna see it.
Is that what it's coming down to? What do you got that I don't have, huh? We don't need to do this to prove anything.
What's the matter? You're ashamed of your stinger now? I'm not ashamed of anything.
Check this out.
What are you doing? Ha! Nice and sharp, huh? You gotta take a chill pill.
- Come on, pull it out.
- Sorry.
- Come on, come on.
- No, man.
It's okay.
You don't have the wings? You don't have the wings? I'm not All right, you wanna see it? I wanna see it.
Here you go.
(GASPS) The fuck is that, dude? It's a beautiful stinger, is what that is.
Look at that.
Well, I I got nothing.
You got nothing on that? I'm gonna beat the fucking shit out of you! Oh, yeah? Your ass is grass, and I'm a lawn mower, bro! Ooh-hoo-hoo! You son of a Come here! (BOTH GRUNTING) Stan You honey sucking bee - Oh, wow - Hey, hey, shut up.
Just listen.
I just can't be for you You know? I gotta be true To what I have to do (SNIFFS) That's my Tulip.
- That's our Tulip.
- Our Tulip.
But pollination Is bigger than me and you It really puts it in perspective, doesn't it? It's a subtle vibration - (MUSIC ENDS) - Aah! He killed her! He fucking killed her! Oh, no! Let's sting this guy! Are you kidding me? If we sting this guy, it's curtains for both of us.
I'm in.
Are you? - For Tulip.
- For Tulip.
Good night, cruel world.
- Kamikaze! - Kamikaze! In other news, two bees have kamikazed themselves in what seems to be a lovers' quarrel.
Suffice it to say the hive will not mourn this selfish insolence.
Love live the hive! All hail the hive! All hail the hive And Jerry Seinfeld Is our one, true god Chocolate, cinnamon sugar Brochures! Brochures! Phil versus the Baby! Fresh merch right here! We got hats, caps, shirts, bandannas.
We got a tuft of the baby's fucking hair! We got a vial of its blood! Look at this shark's tooth necklace, but that's the baby's toenail.
One of a kind! You want a T-shirt, kid? You know what? Fuck off! (DRAMATIC MUSIC STARTS) (CROWD CHEERS) Ladies and gentlemen, at a whopping 3.
5 inches tall, please put your hands together for Phil! (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) (CROWD BOOING) (CRACKING) (MURMURING) And in the other corner, weighing in at over 400 pounds, The Baby! (SPEAKS ELVISH) Bebe, up-up! (CROWD GASPS) As the prophecies foretold the baby walks.
- Oh, my God, his first steps.
- Aww.
My God, it's beautiful.
Such grace, such beauty.
Yes.
I'm a god now.
(SCREAMING) I am a god now! (PEOPLE MURMURING) Phil! You thought you could bully me? Boss me around? Why? Because I'm a dork? Because I'm a dinger? Well, fuck you, man! I just wanted to be friends.
Is that so bad? Am I so bad? It's fucking hard being a teenager.
Growing up is hard.
But instead of banding together, we just treat each other like shit just to try to get laughs.
A marker? Up my butt? You know, if you'd have just let me be your friend, I would have shoved a lot worse things up my butt.
We're all scared, we're all confused, and we are alone.
But this ends tonight.
This is between you and me, Phil.
Aah! - Oof! - (BELL DINGS) Haha! Come on, you guys are loving this! New York City! Is this what you wanted? You wanna see some blood? You wanna see some blood, motherfuckers? - Yeah! - (GRUNTING) Yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, Phil.
Oh, look, Phil's sucking my dick.
Oh-ho-ho! You like that, Phil? You shouldn't have fucked with me! Haha! Simon and the Baby rule! Ho-ho, got me out of the house tonight.
Now I'm sucking Phil's dick.
Ungh.
Didn't see that one coming.
Look at that! Oh, I'm so gay.
Yeah, right.
(SIRENS BLARING) - Oww.
- You like that? No, fuck off, Simon.
I'm gonna steal Michael away from you.
Stop! Stop fighting! No, he's all I have! Don't you get it, Simon? I'm insecure.
Well, I have no one! Fuck Phil! Who's Principal Little Dick now, you little shit? All right, lot of eyes on me.
Probably shouldn't be here.
I'm gonna go.
Simon, please I'll do anything, dude, just fucking stop, please.
Anything? Yeah, dude, fucking anything.
Oh (LAUGHS) I suppose I deserve this.
Daniel, spotlight.
I want everybody to see.
Oh, and Phil, leave the cap on, this time.
With the cap on it's even wider than the base.
Ugh.
(CROWD GASPS) It's deuce ex machine time.
Run! Everybody run! Move! (ALL SHOUTING) Women and children last! Get out of my way! Go, get out of here! Bebe! (SHOUTS IN ELVISH) You're your own Bebe, now.
Get out of here, go.
Go on, get! (SHOUTS IN ELVISH) (CRYING) (SCHOOL BELL RINGS) Okay, so you two did absolutely no community service.
Well, I mean, we tried, and then we got sidetracked.
And, Simon, you tamed a human baby and made it your slave, - which is a big no-no.
- What? Ugh.
But, I gotta say, that little show you put on was a lot of fun, boys.
(CHUCKLES) It was, pardon my French, fucking balls-out crazy.
Ha.
He cursed.
And I don't think any of your parents would like it if they knew I was there, so we're all good.
Everybody's off the hook.
- All right.
- Nice, dude.
That's mighty cool of you, Principal Leif.
Oh, get out of here, you scamps.
All right.
Thank you, Principal.
See you, Principal Leif.
Hey, um, I don't know what you're doing right now, but we have a free period, and we usually just, like, carve stuff into desks in the library - if you want to come with us.
- Yeah, that kind of stuff.
Gentlemen, it would be my honor.
Cool, man.
Oh, Phil, one more thing.
Oh, um, I'll catch up with you guys.
Oh, cool, yeah.
Don't fill up the whole desk this time, okay? Okay, cool.
"Fill up," like my name.
We'll leave some space for you, Phil.
Haha, thanks, dude.
Hey, what's up Principal Lit I mean, Principal Leif? Look, Phil, this is a little delicate, but I'm just gonna say it.
Go ahead.
When you got in trouble, I called your mother on the telephone.
And, um well, we sort of hit it off.
We went out on a few dates, - and - What? Well, I asked her to marry me, Phil.
- What? - We're getting married, Phil.
My mom? I'm going to be your new dad.
I got tickets to the triple-A ball game this weekend.
I hope you'll come with me.
Get some hot dogs and a coke.
Really get to know each other.
How's that sound? I don't know what to say, Principal Leif.
I mean, can Can I call you Daddy? - Oh, boy.
- Can I hug you? - Oh, this is brutal.
- What's brutal? Oh! Ho-ho-ho! Simon? What are you doing here? - You just got re-pranked! - Dude, you just got got! You were on the intercom, the whole school heard you! What the fuck? Did you You thought you had a dad? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Principal Leif, that was a prank? No, I would never marry your mother.
Your mother's a dump.
Haha! Phil thought he had a dad! (LAUGHING) I fucking knew it was a joke, dude.
You thought you had a dad.
No, dude, it was a joke on all of you guys.
Simon, that was hilarious, good job, dude.
Hey, great job to you, Mike.
Let's do our secret handshake.
No! I'm losing Mike! (CRYING) What's happening here? Daddy! - MIKE: Oh - (SOBBING) Stan You honey-sucking bee (COOS) Oh, Bebe, I wish you were there to see it.
He cried like a Well, like a baby.
Haha.
And then he got mad, he spray-painted Principal Leif's car, and that got him a suspension.
It's a whole thing.
Yeah.
I have a feeling he's not going to graduate with us on time.
(DOOR OPENS) Oh, shoot, your mom's coming.
Okay, I'll talk to you later, bye.
And remember (SPEAKS ELVISH) I'll always love you But pollination Is bigger Than me and you Pollination It's a subtle vibration And hey, Stan Don't ever Tell me what to do