Are You Being Served? Again! (1992) s02e06 Episode Script

1
( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )
I MUST SAY, IT'S BEEN
A VERY QUIET WEEKEND.
IT'S BOUND TO BE.
THEY'RE A SILENT ORDER.
LOOK OUT,
HERE THEY COME.
WE OUGHT TO LINE UP IN OUR
"SAYING FAREWELL" POSITION.
WE HOPE YOU ENJOYED
YOUR STAY.
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT,
MR. HUMPHRIES?
THE ABBOTS OFFERED ME
A FREE TRIAL WEEKEND
AS A NOVICE
IN THE MONASTERY.
THE POOR THINGS
IN BARE FEET.
HOW ARE THEY GOING
TO MANAGE ACROSS
THAT GRAVEL?
MONKS:
OW! OOH!
SHUT THE DOOR,
PEACOCK.
SHUT IT YOURSELF.
CAN I HAVE A WORD
WITH YOU?
IN FACT, CAN WE ALL
GATHER AROUND?
WE HAVE JUST WITNESSED
ANOTHER EXAMPLE
OF THE UNDERMINING
OF MY AUTHORITY.
WOULD YOU CARE
TO BE MORE SPECIFIC?
YES, I WOULD.
IN MY POSITION,
AS MANAGER OF THIS
ESTABLISHMENT,
WHICH WAS CLEARLY INFERRED
IN YOUNG MR. GRACE'S WILL,
I AM BEING
FREQUENTLY UNDERMINED
BY A MEMBER
OF THE STAFF.
IF I MAKE A SUGGESTION,
HE COMES UP WITH ONE
WHICH HE THINKS IS BETTER.
OH, IT'S A "HE."
I HOPE YOU DON'
THINK IT'S ME.
I'VE NEVER BEEN
CONSIDERED UPPITY.
NOT AS FAR AS
MY WORK IS CONCERNED.
NO, NO, NO,
MR. HUMPHRIES,
IT'S NOT YOU
I'M COMPLAINING ABOUT.
I CAN HANDLE YOU
PERFECTLY WELL.
WHY DON'T YOU
COME OUT IN THE OPEN
AND SAY THAT I AM
UNDERMINING YOUR AUTHORITY
MAINLY BECAUSE YOU HAVE
PRECIOUS LITTLE
AUTHORITY TO UNDERMINE.
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
YOU MEAN "SWEET FANNY ADAMS"
IN MY LIFE, DARLING.
MAY I REMIND YOU
I ANSWER DIRECTLY
TO MR. THORPE
OF THE EXECUTORS?
IF ANYTHING GOES WRONG,
I HAVE TO CARRY THE CAN.
IF ANY OF YOU THINK
I'M NOT UP TO THE JOB
YOU SHOULD SAY SO.
EVERYONE:
YOU'RE NOT UP TO THE JOB.
OH.
THAT'S CLEARED THE AIR.
HANDS UP,
THOSE WHO THINK
I SHOULD BE IN CHARGE.
THAT'S CLEARED
THE AIR AGAIN.
IF WE ARE ANYTHING AT ALL,
WE ARE A DEMOCRACY.
AUTHORITY IS CONFERRED
BY COMMON CONSENT.
IN HER CASE,
DEAD COMMON.
THAT'S QUITE RIGHT,
MR. RUMBOLD.
WE DON'T MIND YOU
BEING IN CHARGE.
IF ONLY YOU WOULDN'
KEEP RUBBING
EVERYBODY UP
THE WRONG WAY.
YOU GET RIGH
UP MY NOSE SOMETIMES.
I THOUGHT I WAS
VERY POPULAR.
HA HA.
I'M JUST TRYING
TO DO MY JOB.
I KNOW I MAKE MISTAKES
FROM TIME TO TIME.
LITTLE ONES.
EVERYONE DOES.
IT'S JUST THAT SINCE
MRS. RUMBOLD LEFT ME
FOR MR. PRENTISS
OF "TOOLS AND HARDWARE,"
I'VE PROBABLY BEEN
A BIT INTROVERTED.
I WAS OFTEN WORRIED
ABOUT MR. PRENTISS OF TOOLS.
HE OFFERED ME SOME
VERY UNUSUAL ATTACHMENTS
FOR MY BLACK AND DECKER.
PERHAPS WE CAN BE MORE
UNDERSTANDING WITH YOU,
IF YOU IN RETURN CAN BE
LESS POMPOUS WITH US.
ANYBODY SEEN MR. RUMBLES?
MR. MOULTERD, YOU DO NO
COME IN THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR.
WIPE YOUR FEET,
TAKE YOUR HAT OFF,
AND SAY, "EXCUSE ME"
BEFORE YOU INTERRUPT.
WHAT'S BIT HIM
THIS MORNING?
HIS WIFE RAN OFF WITH
A DO-IT-YOURSELF EXPERT.
I'VE BEEN ASKED
TO PASS ON
A CHALLENGE
FROM THE LOCAL PUB.
THEIR TEAM WANTS TO KNOW
IF YOU'LL PLAY THEM
AT DARTS.
WHAT DO I TELL THEM?
A MOMENT AGO,
I WOULD HAVE SAID NO.
NOW, I HESITATE
TO MAKE A DECISION.
YOU PLAY DARTS,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
SHE SCORED A BULL'S EYE
WITH ME IN TIVERTON.
SHE SURPRISED
ALL THE LADS
WHEN SHE PULLED OFF
A DOUBLE TOP.
WE DON'T WANT TO GO DOWN
MEMORY LANE AGAIN.
I THINK IT WOULD BE GOOD
FOR PUBLIC RELATIONS
IF WE, SO TO SPEAK,
MINGLED WITH THE LOCALS,
AS I'M SURE MR. RUMBOLD
WAS ABOUT TO SUGGEST.
IT WOULD BE NICE TO ACQUAIN
OURSELVES WITH THEIR CUSTOMS.
I'LL TELL THEM THEN.
AND I SHALL NEED
SOME HELP OUTSIDE.
WE GOT TO GET THEM SHEEP
ONTO THE TRAILER
AND IT'S MORE THAN
ME AND MAVIS CAN MANAGE.
RIGHT.
COME ALONG THEN
THAT IS, IF EVERYONE
WOULD BE PREPARED
TO LEND A HAND?
PERHAPS WE OUGHT TO CHANGE
INTO MORE SUITABLE ATTIRE?
ABSOLUTELY RIGHT,
MRS. SLOCOMBE
WHAT A GOOD
SUGGESTION.
I'M SO GLAD
YOU MENTIONED IT.
I PREFERRED HIM WHEN
HE WAS BOSSY AND HORRIBLE.
MR. HUMPHRIES,
YOU DO LOOK NICE.
THANK YOU, MAVIS.
WHERE'D YOU GE
THAT HAT?
MY PEN PAL SENT I
TO ME FROM AUSTRALIA.
ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO WEAR I
TURNED UP ON THE RIGH
OR ON THE LEFT?
IF YOU HAVE IT TURNED UP
ON THE RIGHT HAND SIDE,
IT MEANS
YOU'RE IN THE ARMY.
IF YOU HAVE I
ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE,
IT MEANS YOU COME
FROM QUEENSLAND.
I'LL WEAR IT LIKE THIS
JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE.
DAD'S JUST FIXING
THE TRACTOR.
OOH, AREN'T THEY
CUDDLY?
IT BRINGS OU
THE MOTHER IN ME.
THEY LOOK LIKE
A LOT OF THERMAL VESTS.
WHERE ARE THEY GOING?
NEXT DOOR FARMER'S
BOUGHT THEM.
YES, WE'RE MAKING A GOOD
PROFIT OUT OF THEM.
THAT IS,
IF EVERYONE AGREES.
SHOULDN'T WE HAVE
ONE OF THEM SHEEP DOGS
LIKE THEY HAVE
ON TELEVISION?
DAD USED TO HAVE
ONE OF THEM.
HE USED TO CONTROL I
WITH HIS SILENT WHISTLE.
THEN HE GOT HIS
NEW FALSE TEETH,
AND HE COULD NEVER
HIT THE RIGHT NOTE AGAIN.
MIND YOU, IT WASN'
FOR THE LACK OF TRYING.
HE SPENT ALL DAY
BLOWING AWAY.
DIDN'T THE DOGS
TAKE ANY NOTICE?
THEY JUS
IGNORED HIM.
HE ENDED UP SURROUNDED
BY A LOT OF BATS.
DEALING WITH SHEEP
MUST SEEM VERY TAME TO YOU,
AFTER YOUR
HAND-TO-HAND ENCOUNTER
WITH THE GESTAPO ALSATIAN
WHEN YOU WERE PARACHUTED
INTO YUGOSLAVIA
DURING THE WAR.
ALL THE YEARS
I'VE KNOWN YOU
AND YOU'VE
NEVER MENTIONED IT.
IT WAS ONLY
RECENTLY THAT M.I.5
GAVE PERMISSION TO RELEASE
SOME OF THE DETAILS.
IT MUST BE TRUE
ABOUT THE ALSATIAN,
HE ACTUALLY SHOWED ME
THE TEETH MARKS.
HE GOT THEM FROM
MISS ADDENBROOK
IN ACCOUNTS.
I WOULD APPRECIATE I
IF YOU WOULD NOT REVEAL
THOSE THINGS WHICH
I HAVE FROM TIME TO TIME
MENTIONED TO YOU
IN CONFIDENCE.
DOES THAT INCLUDE
MR. RUMBOLD'S HEMORRHOIDS?
SHH-HH!
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
YOU TAKE THE HURDLE AWAY,
YOU GET BEHIND
THEM WITH ME,
AND WE'LL
GET THEM GOING.
I'VE NEVER GO
SHEEP GOING BEFORE.
IS THERE ANY
SPECIAL METHOD?
WAVE THAT HA
AT THEM.
THE REST OF YOU STAND
EITHER SIDE OF THE RAMP
AND MAKE SURE THEY DON'
GET OUT THE SIDE
BEFORE THEY GE
ON THE TRAILER.
ARE WE READY?
TOGETHER:
READY.
WITH YOUR PERMISSION,
MR. RUMBOLD?
GO.
OH, THAT'S DONE IT.
DAD'LL GIVE ME
THE STRAP FOR THIS.
DON'T WORRY.
I'LL TELL HIM
IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT.
TROUBLE IS, HE'LL
GIVE ME THE STRAP.
ARE WE ALL READY?
OH, GOD.
I DECIDED
WITH YOUR PERMISSION,
THAT WE WOULD
PROCEED TO THE PUB
IN YOUNG MR. GRACE'S DAIMLER.
IT WAS HIS PRIDE AND JOY.
HE WAS MAD
ABOUT HIS CARS.
HE HAD AN OLD
RACING BENTLEY.
HE USED TO LOVE ME
TO DRIVE WITH THE TOP DOWN.
SOME OF THE VILLAGERS
STILL TALK ABOUT IT.
THAT'S A SIGH
THAT WOULD LIVE
IN THE MEMORY.
RIGHT.
FOLLOW ME, THEN.
PLEASE.
PEACOCK:
QUITE A MUSEUM PIECE.
HUMPHRIES:
DOES IT GO?
OH, YEAH. I TURNS I
OVER ONCE A WEEK.
THE DEPRESSION'S GOOD.
CAREFUL OF YOUR
APPLIANCE, DAD.
( CAR SPUTTERS )
I HEARD
SOMETHING GO.
I THINK
SHE'LL START NOW.
YOU CAN GET IN.
MISS LOVELOCK,
HELP ME WITH THIS.
I LOVE THE SMELL
OF REAL LEATHER.
( CLUCKING )
NOT TO MENTION,
REAL HEN.
IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN,
DEAD FERRET.
THEY DO SAY
IT USED TO BELONG
TO A MARJORIE RAJAH
FROM INDIA.
THERE'S STILL SOME CURRY
ON THE FLOOR.
( LOUD TOOT )
YOU'VE FLATTENED
ANOTHER HEN.
I'LL DRIVE, THAT IS,
IF EVERYONE'S AGREEABLE?
HOW LONG IS HE GOING
TO GO ON LIKE THAT?
I SAY, MOULTERD, THERE DOESN'
APPEAR TO BE A TAX DISK.
OH, WE DON'T BOTHER ABOUT THA
ROUND THESE PARTS.
ALL YOU NEED
IS A BEER LABEL.
HOW NICE TO FIND A BI
OF THE SPIRI
OF OLD ENGLAND LEFT.
OH, LOOK. THERE'S ONE OF
THOSE SPEAKING TUBES.
MR. GRACE USED TO USE I
TO GIVE INSTRUCTIONS
WHEN WE HAD
A CHAUFFEUR.
OH. WHAT DID HE
USED TO SAY?
"KEEP YOUR EYES
ON THE ROAD"?
MR. RUMBOLD,
MR. RUMBOLD,
CAN YOU HEAR ME?
VERY FAINTLY.
( BLOWS LOUDLY )
IS THAT BETTER?
YOU'VE DAMN WELL
BUNGED ME EAR UP!
NOT THAT I MIND,
OF COURSE.
LET ME
HAVE A GO, DAD.
( ENGINE STARTS )
MR. GRACE DIDN'T HAVE
TO DO MUCH, DID HE?
YOU MIGH
HAVE MENTIONED
THAT APART FROM
A MISSING TAX DISK
WE WERE ALSO
MISSING SOME PETROL.
WHEW!
IF THAT DOESN'
IMPRESS THE LOCALS,
NOTHING WILL.
OH, THERE'S
MALCOLM'S BIKE.
HE'LL NOT LIKE IT,
ME BEING HERE WITH YOU.
YOU JUST BRING ME
HALF A SHANDY.
I'LL HAVE IT OUTSIDE
IN THE CAR.
I DON'T MIND.
NO. YOU MUST GO INSIDE,
MR. HUMPHRIES.
MALCOLM'S
JUST A BULLY.
DO YOU MIND,
MAURICE?
ARE YOU THE DRIVER
OF THIS VEHICLE, SIR?
SEEING THAT I'M SITTING
BEHIND THE WHEEL,
IT WOULD HARDLY TAKE
A SHERLOCK HOLMES
TO COME TO THA
CONCLUSION.
PERHAPS SHERLOCK HOLMES
WILL ALSO NOTICE
THAT INSTEAD
OF A TAX DISK
YOU'RE DRIVING
WITH A LABEL
FROM A BOTTLE
OF NEWCASTLE BROWN ALE.
- AH.
- IS THAT ALL YOU'VE GO
TO SAY FOR YOURSELF, "AH"?
I TOLD HIM
ABOUT THAT, PERCY.
I SAID, "YOU'LL NEVER
GET AWAY WITH IT."
THESE TOWN FOLK THINK
WE'RE ALL STUPID.
I'M AFRAID, MAURICE, THERE'S
ONLY ONE COURSE OPEN TO ME.
TAKE A BRIBE?
SPOT ON.
I'VE NEVER BEEN
IN HERE BEFORE.
IT'S REALLY RATHER COZY.
WHERE IS EVERYBODY?
ARE WE THE FIRST?
LANDLORD?
WHERE'S MALCOLM?
OH, DON'T YOU
BOTHER ABOUT HIM.
HALF THE BLOKES IN THE VILLAGE
IS AFTER MAVIS.
AT LEAST WITH YOU,
I KNOW SHE'S IN SAFE HANDS.
DAD! DON'T GO ON
LIKE THAT.
GOOD EVENING,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
YOUR USUAL?
I THOUGHT YOU SAID
YOU'D NEVER BEEN HERE BEFORE?
OH, WELL NOW
I REMEMBER.
I HAD BEEN IN JUST ONCE
WHEN I WAS SHOPPING,
BUT ONLY
FOR A MINUTE.
THIS IS THE MOB
FROM THE MANOR.
THE OTHER LOT ARE
IN THE PUBLIC BAR,
DRINKING SCRUMPY.
SHALL WE HAVE
A SMALL TINCTURE
BEFORE WE GO IN?
WHAT A GOOD IDEA,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK!
THIS ROUND'S ON ME.
DOUBLE WHISKEY.
LARGE GIN AND TONIC
FOR ME.
- AND ME.
- SAME FOR ME.
I'LL HAVE A PIN
OF SCRUMPY.
THE SAME
FOR MR. HUMPHRIES.
NO. I'D LIKE A SMALL
PORT AND LEMON, PLEASE.
THAT WON'T PU
LEAD IN YOUR PENCIL.
I WASN'T PLANNING
TO WRITE TO ANYBODY.
THE USUAL PIN
OF SCRUMPY, MAVIS?
WHY NOT? ONE OF THOSE,
AND I REALLY LETS MYSELF GO.
NOW DON'T YOU GO GETTING
MR. HUMPHRIES INTO TROUBLE.
IF SHE BOTHERS YOU,
LET ME KNOW.
I'LL GIVE HER
THE STRAP.
SHE HASN'T BOTHERED ME
UP TO NOW.
YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ME
AFTER A PINT OF SCRUMPY.
CHEERS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, CHAP.
TAKE CARE NOW.
THEY'RE HERE
FROM THE MANOR.
MALCOLM,
MAVIS IS WITH
THAT YOUNG BUCK
FROM UP THE HALL.
I'M WARNING YOU,
I'M HAVING NO TROUBLE HERE.
IF YOU WAN
TO SORT HIM OUT,
YOU TAKE HIM
'ROUND THE BACK.
RIGHT.
LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE WELCOME
THE MILLSTONE MANOR
DARTS TEAM.
PINTS ALL AROUND
FOR THE MILLSTONE
MANOR MOB.
I'M HENRY HEATHCLIFF,
MALCOLM'S DAD.
WHO'S YOUR
CAPTAIN, THEN?
OH, WELL,
WE'RE A DEMOCRATIC TEAM.
SINCE CAPTAIN PEACOCK
IS A CAPTAIN ALREADY,
WE SHOULD MAKE HIM
THE CAPTAIN.
WITH YOUR PERMISSION,
MR. RUMBOLD?
OH, YES.
PLEASED
TO MEET YOU.
I'M THE ONE WHO BOUGH
THEM LAMBS OFF YOU.
NICE TO KNOW
THEY'RE IN GOOD HANDS.
FIRST TEAM TO EMPTY
THEIR GLASSES
WINS THE TOSS.
DO YOU THINK I COULD HAVE
A PORT AND LEMON?
OF COURSE YOU CAN,
MY DEAR.
POUR I
IN THE SCRUMPY.
- THANK YOU.
- HERE, MY DEAR.
RIGHT!
ONE, TWO, THREE, GO!
( SPITS )
IT TASTES LIKE
PAINT STRIPPER.
YOU'RE SPILLING IT,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
I KNOW. I'VE MELTED
HALF MY SEQUINS.
- AH!
- AH!
LOOKS LIKE
WE WON THE TOSS.
FILL 'EM UP.
WE CAN'T GO EMPTY
DURING THE CONTEST.
WELL, MALCOLM,
WHAT SAY
WE GIVE 'EM
FIRST THROW?
SUITS ME.
- HERE'S YOUR DARTS.
- THANK YOU.
LADIES FIRST,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
HALF A TICK,
I HAVE A DROP LEFT.
RIGHT.
DOUBLE TOP FOR STARTERS,
500 AND ONE UP.
SOUNDS LIKE SHE KNOWS
WHAT SHE'S DOING.
MAN:
I KNOW YOU!
I SEEN YOU
PLAY DARTS AFORE.
YOU WAS MAURICE'S BIRD
IN TIVERTON.
ONE DOWN,
TWO TO GO.
YOU WAS KNOWN AS
"THE TIVERTON BICYCLE."
IF ANYBODY ELSE HAS FOND
MEMORIES OF TIVERTON,
WOULD THEY KINDLY SPEAK NOW
BEFORE I THROW ME LAST DART?
KEEP YOUR NERVE,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
PEACOCK:
DOUBLE TOP, 40.
MALCOLM'S
STARING AT YOU
THROUGH THE BOTTOM
OF HIS BEER GLASS.
HE'S NOT STARING AT ME,
HE'S STARING AT YOU.
HE'S TRYING
TO FRIGHTEN YOU.
THE SIGHT OF AN EYEBALL
MAGNIFIED THROUGH THA
IS A BIT UNNERVING.
MAN: 98!
YOUR TURN NEXT,
MR. HUMPHRIES.
IT'S MY TURN.
NOW STAND BACK,
I CAN GO WILD AT TIMES.
WOULD SOMEONE EXPLAIN
THIS GAME TO ME?
YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO HIT THE BOARD.
OH! HEH, HEH.
THAT ONE GOING
ROUND AND ROUND?
MAN'S VOICE:
ONE!
IS THAT GOOD?
NO.
MAN'S VOICE:
TWO!
MAN'S VOICE: 60.
SCORE, 62.
THAT MAKES A 102.
YOU'RE WONDERFUL,
MR. HUMPHRIES.
YOU KEEP
YOUR HANDS OFF HER.
DON'T YOU
PUSH HIM!
I'LL PUSH
WHO I LIKE.
DON'T YOU PUSH HER!
DON'T YOU
PUSH ME!
YOU BEHAVE YOURSELF.
DON'T YOU PUSH
MY LAD,
OR YOU AND ME
WILL STEP OUTSIDE.
I SHOULDN'T STEP OUTSIDE
WITH CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
HE WAS TRAINED BY THE S.A.S.
IN JAPANESE OBAKABE.
YES, WELL UNFORTUNATELY
I'M NOT ALLOWED TO USE I
UNLESS THERE'S A WAR.
THERE'LL BE A WAR HERE
IN A MINUTE.
DAD, DO SOMETHING!
( SNORING )
I DON'T LIKE
THE LOOK OF YOU.
STAND ASIDE,
PEACOCK.
AND I DON'T PARTICULARLY
LIKE THE LOOK OF YOU.
RIGHT.
( SPITS )
OUTSIDE WITH YOU.
I SHALL BE
DELIGHTED.
( SPITS )
MY DAD'LL
KILL HIM.
COME ON THEN,
IF YOU FANCY IT.
I DO FANCY IT.
WELL THEN,
ARE YOU GOING
TO HAVE A GO?
GO ON THEN.
YOU CAN HAVE
A GO FIRST.
I WILL DO.
WELL,
COME ON THEN.
YOU COME ON.
I'LL COME ON
WHEN I'M READY.
MISS BRAHMS,
I'VE BEEN TALKING
TO THAT FARMER OVER THERE.
AND YOU KNOW THOSE
SWEET LITTLE SHEEP WE SOLD?
MALCOLM'S DAD IS GOING
TO SELL THEM TO THE BUTCHER'S.
OH, HOW AWFUL.
DO YOU THINK,
IF WE ASKED HIM NICELY,
HE'D GIVE US THEM BACK?
I DON'T THINK NOW
IS A GOOD TIME TO ASK.
HE'S JUST TAKEN
MR. RUMBOLD OUTSIDE
AND I THINK HE'S
GOING TO KILL HIM.
IS HE INDEED?
WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT!
PASS ME THA
BOTTLE OF LIGHT ALE.
RIGHT.
WATCH MY GIN AND TONIC.
I'M JUST
WORKING MYSELF
UP TO IT.
I'M WORKED UP
ALREADY.
EXCUSE ME.
MAY I SAY A WORD
ON BEHALF
OF MILLSTONE MANOR?
WHAT IS IT, THEN?
- IT'S THIS.
- OW!
YOU NEEDN'
HAVE INTERFERED.
I WAS QUITE CAPABLE
OF DEALING WITH THAT MAN.
WELL, I GO
MY DANDER UP.
SO DID I,
AND IT'S UNUSUAL
FOR ME.
YOU WERE WONDERFUL,
MR. HUMPHRIES,
THE WAY YOU MANAGED
TO CONTROL YOURSELF,
SO YOU DIDN'
HIT THAT MALCOLM.
ESPECIALLY AFTER HE CALLED YOU
A WEEDY LITTLE GIT.
YES, YOU NEVER MOVED.
I WAS SUFFERING FROM
A WELL-KNOWN CONDITION,
KNOWN AS
TEMPORARY PARALYSIS.
WE DIDN'T DO A LO
FOR OUR PUBLIC IMAGE.
AT LEAST MRS. SLOCOMBE
LAID OUT THE LOCAL BULLY.
BUT WE GOT OURSELVES
BANNED FROM THE LOCAL PUB.
I'M STILL WORRIED
ABOUT THOSE SHEEP.
IF WE DON'T DO
SOMETHING QUICKLY,
THEY'LL BE
IN THE BUTCHER'S
BY TOMORROW.
WHAT DID YOU THINK
THEY WERE GOING TO DO?
I JUST THOUGH
THEY WERE GOING
TO GROW WOOL.
THERE'S NOTHING
MUCH WE CAN DO.
I SUGGEST WE TRY
TO GET THEM BACK.
WE CAN HARDLY DO THAT.
WHY NOT?
IF SOMEBODY NICKED
JOHN WAYNE'S CATTLE,
HE'D HAVE BEEN
ON HIS HORSE
AND OVER THERE
QUICK AS A FLASH.
HE'D HAVE RAISED
A PUSSY POSSE.
COULDN'T YOU ORGANIZE SOMETHING
LIKE THAT, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
YEAH, DO ONE OF THOSE
COMMANDO TYPE RAIDS,
LIKE WHEN YOU TRIED
TO GET ROMMEL.
WELL IT'S QUITE SIMPLE,
OF COURSE,
BUT I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD
BREAK THE LAW.
HE COULDN'T COMPLAIN
IF WE TAKE THE SHEEP
AND LEAVE THE MONEY.
I STILL HAVE THE CASH,
I HAVEN'T PAID IT IN YET.
COME ON,
LET'S HAVE A GO.
- I'M GAME.
- I'M GAME.
WHAT ABOUT YOU,
MR. HUMPHRIES?
ARE YOU GAME?
I ALWAYS HAVE BEEN
UP TO NOW.
YOU TELL US WHAT TO DO,
AND WE'LL FOLLOW YOUR LEAD.
RIGHT.
DAMN,
THAT STRAP'S BROKEN.
I'LL GET ANOTHER ONE.
( COW MOOS )
HE LOOKS
EVER SO SLEEPY.
PERHAPS HE ISN'
USED TO BEING AROUSED
AT 1:00
IN THE MORNING.
WON'T THE HORSE'S HOOVES
MAKE A BIT OF A CLATTER?
I HAD ALREADY
THOUGHT OF THAT.
I'VE ASKED
MR. HUMPHRIES
TO PREPARE
SOME SACKING
FOR ITS FEET.
HOW ARE THESE,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
THAT'S EVER SO GOOD,
MR. HUMPHRIES.
YOU'RE A DAB HAND
WITH A NEEDLE AND
A BIT OF RIBBON.
GOOD.
PUT THEM ON
THE HORSE'S HOOVES.
EXCUSE ME,
WOULD YOU MIND
LIFTING YOUR FOOT UP,
PLEASE?
NO, YOU'VE
GOT TO BE FIRM.
I'LL HOLD IT FOR YOU
AND YOU SLIP IT ON.
YOU'VE DONE THIS BEFORE,
HAVEN'T YOU?
RIGHT.
ON BOARD, EVERYONE.
MRS. SLOCOMBE,
WHAT ARE
THE SHEARS FOR?
DON'T WE HAVE TO CU
THE TELEPHONE WIRES?
AH, GOOD THINKING.
AS SOON AS I FIX THIS,
WE CAN GO.
MISS BRAHMS,
WILL YOU HELP ME?
WILL YOU GET UP THERE
AND GIVE ME A HAND?
WHY DON'T YOU JUS
JUMP UP BACKWARDS
AND SIT ON IT?
( WINCES )
OH, IT'S HOPELESS.
MR. RUMBOLD,
IF WE TAKE A FOOT EACH,
WE MAY BE ABLE
TO GET HER UP THERE.
- HERE WE GO.
- HOW DARE YOU?
GET OFF! GET OFF!
HOW "IGNOMONIOUS!"
WOULD THESE HELP?
MR. HUMPHRIES,
THANK YOU. HOW KIND.
HOLD TIGHT, EVERYBODY.
OFF WE GO.
( WHEELS SQUEAKING )
HUMPHRIES:
PITY WE DIDN'
BRING SOME 3-IN-1.
PEACOCK:
THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHING.
STOP, MISS LOVELOCK.
MR. HUMPHRIES,
WHY DON'T YOU PUT ON
SOME OF MY COLD CREAM?
OH, THANK YOU,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
ON THE AXLE,
MR. HUMPHRIES.
( CART RATTLING )
- MR. HUMPHRIES?
- YES.
YOU TAKE THE MONEY
AND PUT IT THROUGH
THE LETTER BOX.
WHAT ABOUT THE DOG?
TAKE THE TAKE-AWAY
TANDOORI.
- GOOD LUCK.
- THANK YOU.
GATHER ROUND.
MISS LOVELOCK,
YOU'RE IN COMMAND OF THE CART.
YES, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
YOU KEEP IT HERE,
WE CRAWL TO THE BARN;
MISS BRAHMS AND MAVIS,
YOU KEEP A LOOKOUT;
MRS. SLOCOMBE,
YOU OPEN THE BARN DOOR;
MR. RUMBOLD AND I
CARRY OUT THE SHEEP
ONE BY ONE,
AND FETCH THEM
TO THE CART.
IS THAT CLEAR?
RIGHT. OFF WE GO.
NOW, SHH-HH.
RIGHT. DOWN WE GO.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
YES, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME
TO GO ON TIPTOE?
ARE YOU QUESTIONING
MY ORDERS, MRS. SLOCOMBE?
NO, IT'S JUST THA
RATHER A LOT OF COWS
HAVE PASSED THIS WAY.
AH, VERY WELL.
HELLO, NICE DOGGIE.
COME ON. HAVE SOME
TANDOORI CHICKEN.
- COME ON,
TANDOORI CHICKEN.
- ( WHIMPERS )
NO, WE DIDN'
LIKE IT, EITHER.
OH, HECK!
GET OUT OF THE WAY.
WHAT'S GOING ON
DOWN THERE?
WOOF, WOOF, WOOF.
( PANTING )
GET BACK IN YOUR KENNEL
AND BELT UP.
WOOF, WOOF!
WOOF WOOF!
ARE YOU READY,
MRS. SLOCOMBE?
YES, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
GO!
YOU KNOW, THEY'RE
PROBABLY ALL ASLEEP.
I SAID, GO!
( SHEEP BLEATING )
OH! OH MY GOODNESS!
OH! AHH! OH!
THAT STUPID WOMAN!
HEY! WHO'S THERE?
WHAT'S GOING ON
OUT THERE?
( SHEEP BLEATING )
WHERE'S MR. HUMPHRIES?
MR. HUMPHRIES:
WAIT FOR ME!
WAIT FOR ME!
MISS BRAHMS:
THAT WAS A RIGHT COCK-UP
AND NO MISTAKE.
HARDLY A TRIUMPH
OF MILITARY LEADERSHIP,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
I REFUSE TO TAKE
THE BLAME.
IT WAS YOUR PLAN.
I DID NOT PLAN
FOR MRS. SLOCOMBE
TO FALL ON HER BACKSIDE
AND LOSE ALL THE SHEEP.
NEITHER DID I PLAN
FOR MR. HUMPHRIES
TO GIVE HENRY ALL
THE MONEY FOR NOTHING.
( BLEATING )
DO SHEEP
HAVE HOMING INSTINCTS
LIKE RACING PIGEONS?
I DON'T THINK SO.
LOOK AT THAT.
( BLEATING )
THEY'VE ALL COME HOME.
HOW SWEET.
WE ONLY SOLD
THEM 20,
THERE MUST BE
50 HERE.
DO WE PAY FOR THE REST,
OR TAKE THEM BACK?
DO YOU HAVE A
CONTINGENCY PLAN,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
YES, I HAVE.
A LARGE DRINK,
AND A HOT BATH.
THAT'S REAL LEADERSHIP,
THAT IS.
( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )