Avenue 5 (2020) s02e06 Episode Script

1
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Uh, and you have coffee
with the ship's imam at 10.
Then the cleaning crew want to gift you
- with some new pillows.
- RYAN CLARK: Excellent.
My memory foam ones
have developed dementia.
Uh, then the Avenue 5 Brass Band
want to play for you,
- and then gift you a tuba.
- Can we un-gift it?
- Fly safe.
- Fly true, Supreme Commander!
Yes. Heil me. Supreme Commander.
What if I get used to this?
Respectfully, you should.
Striding about like a Dutch hairdresser
who killed someone once.
RAV MULCAIR: Um, at noon,
could you officially
open the ship's Cuddle Club?
- Cuddle Club?
- Mm, yeah, a group of passengers
have put it together
as some sort of group therapy.
- RYAN: Sit down.
- It's totally non-sexual.
And totally non-normal.
For goodness' sake.
What's wrong with a good
old-fashioned frosty handshake?
Look at Iris suffocating him
like a horny praying mantis.
BILLIE MCEVOY: Yeah,
Ryan could do a shit right now
and all these passengers would line up
to take a selfie with it.
And at one o'clock,
you're meeting with Theater Action.
- (DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪
- Can we un-action that?
Actually, un-theater it, preferably.
- Fuck you, Supreme Commander.
- Fly true, Supreme Commander.
How did we end up with him
in charge twice?
Tell me about it.
BILLIE: He is not worthy of your ship.
I don't know why, but I find you
very interesting right now.
- Hmm.
- You speak from the heart.
(RAV CLEARS THROAT)
I hate to be the bearer of bad news.
And I hate hearing it.
Feels like there's a solution
in there somewhere.
- PASSENGER: Commander.
- Well, rumors are Hi.
(WHISPERS) Rumors are spreading
that the water is contaminated.
You see, this is why people
should never, ever talk.
RAV: Mm, agreed,
but conversation is inevitable.
Which is why I'd like
to install some operatives.
What do you mean, operatives?
You mean secret police?
I hesitate to use
the term "secret police."
Well, you didn't hesitate very long.
- Matt is
- Highly problematic.
No, no. We are not having secret police.
That is my final decision.
Decree. But fine, I won't appoint any.
You say that, Iris, but will you?
MATT SPENCER: Soon we'll be
at each other's throats.
- Do you want that?
- FOLLOWERS: No!
- (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- When brother fights brother
for the moisture that he's wrung
from a hand towel,
will Lyin' Ryan be there to save you?
- FOLLOWERS: No!
- MATT: No, he won't,
but we'll be there,
because we've got ammo.
(FOLLOWERS MUTTER)
- We've got camo.
- FOLLOWERS: Yes!
- We are ready to go
- FOLLOWERS: Blammo!
- Blammo!
- (FOLLOWERS YELLING)
Oh, what is this intoxicating clarity?
- (YELLING) Yeah!
- (FOLLOWERS CHEER)
("AVENUE 5" THEME MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
Seeing some sweet cuddles
out there, guys.
Really nice.
Some nice swaying cuddles. Comforting.
Tap your cuddler's head
if you want your cuddle to end early.
Otherwise, just surrender
like a calf in the butcher's embrace.
(BELL RINGS)
All right, there's time to chug
a few more hugs
before our Supreme Commander gets here
and declares our spoon room open.
KAREN KELLY: Will he be cuddling?
- DOUG: If he consents.
- Oh, please.
If he's here, he's asking for it.
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
All good out there?
I mean, considering how bad it is?
RAV: Let's just say the mood
on the ship is uh,
pre-post-apocalyptic.
What what is that dot?
Oh, God, you saw it, too, huh?
(SIGHS) I get these floaters.
- (KEYBOARD CLACKING)
- (COMPUTER BEEPS)
Oh, hold the phone,
that's not macular degeneration.
That's a meteor.
A compass, but instead of telling you
where you are,
it tells you when you are.
- So so, like a clock?
- No, way better.
- Way better than a clock.
- Yeah.
That is just genius.
So so, were you thinking
about talking to Lucas yet?
You know, get the rescue back on track?
Artificially made twins
to serve unwanted jail time.
Smart. You know,
it's just if you did
want some help with Lucas,
then I could set a time and date
for the meeting,
or even if you wanted,
I could help lead the meeting.
Oh, that's so sweet, but fuck no.
Only top CEOs can negotiate
government policy.
That's just how democracy works.
And I'm a top CEO, so
(SLURPS) suck it, Ryan.
BILLIE: Yeah, suck it, Ryan.
RYAN: I believe we booked this room.
- Hey, Ryan.
- We've commandeered it.
Commandeered. Exactly.
You're in breach of protocol. Stand.
- BILLIE: Oh.
- Sit.
Stand and leave,
or face the consequences.
I'm gonna leave 'cause I was
planning on leaving anyway.
But I'm not gonna stand.
Excited to see this process.
- (GRUNTS)
- (CHAIR THUDS)
- (LAUGHS, SQUEALS)
- HERMAN JUDD: Oh, thank fuck.
Rav saves the day.
Rav is speaking in the third person
because she is modest,
and because
she has also discovered a meteor
full of lithium.
I'm gonna stand now, only
because I want to see what's on there.
Billie, understand that for me,
will you?
Eighty-five percent lithium ore?
But this is like pure heroin lithium.
- Heroin's good, right?
- Earth is gagging for lithium.
We can get them
to reprioritize a rescue.
So, we just need
to start negotiating with Lucas.
No, that's incorrect.
Only CEOs can negotiate
with TOTOPOTUS. You, however,
are authorized to, um (SLURPS)
- suck it.
- BILLIE: Yeah!
CEOs only, Captain Cockrag.
Wow.
Right, I Yes, I'm gonna need
to clear the room,
so that I can berate Billie
for gross insubordination.
- Good. A larynx is a privilege.
- JUDD: I'm gonna leave
because I choose to clear the room.
Not because you literally
just said the words.
(DOOR SLIDING OPEN)
Yeah, well, what do you want?
- What do you mean, what do I want?
- What do you want?
Billie, we agreed,
you insult me, I clear the room.
- I'm sorry, I forgot.
- What do you mean you forgot?
So where did "Captain Cockrag"
come from? Was that heartfelt?
Oh, no no. I just
You know, I'm not
I'm not very good at this
- Talking?
- Improvisation.
You have to be with Judd
when he talks to Lucas.
Well, yes, yes,
and we'd be getting into that
if you hadn't just sent him
out the room.
Well, I did that
because you called me Captain Cockrag.
Well, was I wrong?
I don't know. I don't know
what a cockrag is.
Just be there when he talks to Lucas.
BILLIE: Yes, I will be. I have his ear.
RYAN: Fuck his ear.
It's his mouth you need to control.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
If Ryan is king,
I'm Oliver Cromwell, right?
(FOLLOWERS CHEER)
If he's Gladstone, I'm Disraeli.
(SCATTERED CHEER)
If he's A.S. Byatt,
I'm Margaret Drabble!
Compare things we know!
Eh, never been a big sports fan.
MATT: Well, they're not sports stars.
They're sister novelists
who feuded like rappers.
I'm still without a frame of reference.
- Ryan's an asshole, right?
- (FOLLOWERS CHEER)
KAREN: Remember, you may pat and caress
all non-erogenous zones.
At this point,
my entire body is non-erogenous.
- I can confirm that.
- (BELL RINGING)
Okay, cuddlers, find a new cuddlee.
Uh, oh, man, this is Cuddle Club.
How many more times? No crossbows.
Doug, we booked this room
for combat training.
(DOUG SCOFFS)
Hard cheese, Combat Mary,
we've got an extended booking.
Oh, I'll extend your face
with my extended arm.
- No, we
- Ah.
Captain in the hug zone.
(PASSENGERS WHISPERING)
ALL: Fly true, Supreme Commander.
At ease, everyone.
Uh, don't listen to him.
More tense, everyone.
Someone needs to go to Manners Club.
Yeah, I I went to Manners Club.
That's where I learned,
"Please and fuck you."
(QUIET GASPS)
Well, this this is wonderful,
seeing you all clumped together
- like wet sugar.
- (IRIS SCOFFS)
It reminds us that that
togetherness is way forwardness.
Wise words, Supreme Dipshit.
Matt, will you stop it?
This this is serious.
This is Cuddle Club.
In fact, I think Matt
could do with a cuddle,
don't you think? He should be the first.
- (PASSENGERS CHUCKLE)
- I hereby declare this club open.
(APPLAUSE)
RYAN: (QUIETLY) If Matt's
gonna keep cutting me off
at the ankles, someone needs
to do something about him.
DOUG: Okay, everyone.
Continue your therapeutic manhandling.
MATT: Hi. I don't think
we've previously cuddled.
Oh, double cuddle. Okay.
Triple cuddle. (LAUGHS) Wow.
- (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- (MATT WHEEZES)
(SERENE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Looking at you, I can smell your pain.
But can you smell my heart?
- (MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY) ♪
- I'm sorry, I'm not feeling this at all.
- (BELL RINGING)
- Why? What's wrong?
Well, it's just not erotic, is it?
I mean, can we get him shirtless?
Could somebody unwrap him?
Anybody, just unwrap him.
Look, I'm not a piece of meat.
- No, honestly, you are.
- For fuck's sake.
And can we get rid of this fucking box?
Keep the box.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- My king.
- My queen.
- (ELENA CHUCKLES)
- Plus one.
Yes, yes, hadn't forgotten
about you, Charles.
What are you, actually?
Uh, partner's partner.
So that's "quartner"?
Anyway, we're all people.
Quite a lot of people, aren't we,
when you think about it.
I I just wonder if this
whole situation could do
with some clarifying.
Captain Ryan.
Sorry to interrupt your ménage,
but I thought you should know
Matt has been hurt at Cuddle Club.
How do you get hurt
in a club exclusively devoted
to cuddling?
You told people to deal with him,
so he got violently compressed.
Well, just find the culprits
and have a word with them.
Uh, no, that sounds
like code for violence too.
All right, well, I better go
and (INHALES)
pay Matt a special visit.
Hey, I've done it again.
I've got Mafia Tourette's.
To be continued.
Imagine if we got, like,
five million grams of lithium
and we saved Earth.
And they made us gods, obviously.
So that people would say,
"Judd help us all,"
or, "For Judd's sake,
tidy up your room, Christopher.
I'm not gonna ask you again.
Daddy's gonna beat the Judd out of you."
What are you doing down here, Mr. Judd?
Oh, I um, I forgot the password
for my panic room,
so I figured this might make
a good backup.
Have you set a time
to speak to Lucas yet?
Hmm? Oh, yeah, 9:00 tonight.
And what if they built, like,
a fuck-off gold statue of me?
Yeah, that'd be cool.
So, nine o'clock tonight?
And I lived in the statue
and my bedroom was in the eye
of the gold statue.
Right, with a spiral staircase
going all the way up the spine.
Why are you getting into this, Billie?
So um, are you sure that Lucas
is actually gonna negotiate
with you tonight?
JUDD: Oh, absolutely.
Great, because I was really
just wondering if I could sit in
- and I could learn from your
- (PLAYS HARMONICA)
- mastery.
- You can be my penumbra.
'Cause that's what penumbra means.
I'd love that.
(EXHALES)
IRIS KIMURA: Matt pushed your reputation
face down in a cow pat in Cuddle Club.
Oh, he was just letting off steam.
Well, steam burns.
Steam is an enemy to flesh and creases.
Do we have to have this on everywhere?
It's like watching your own colonoscopy.
People are having cosplay
viewing parties.
(GASPS) Oh, you should host one.
You're already in the costume.
I'd rather host my own immolation.
You'd look friendly.
Uncle Ryan Clark, never mind the gulags.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING OVER TV) ♪
- Navigation is down.
- We may die out here.
That's fine. I never lived
before I met you.
Well, they can't write women.
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
I'm sorry, Captain Ryan.
We need you to be a hero one more time.
That is some shaky dialogue.
Dialogue fell out of the back of a dog.
Activate, goddammit!
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
(SCOFFS) Even her thumb is stupid.
Do you want me to get rid of her?
'Cause I can do that, apparently.
(PASSENGERS MURMURING)
Uh, it was a joke.
No, no, it was a joke.
PHILIP: Zara?
Zara, you here?
Zara? (SIGHS) What is she?
- Oh, hi. Uh-huh.
- PHILIP: Oh. Hey.
Why have you called me here after wrap?
Did you want to run lines, or
Well, actually,
I'd quite like to block the spacewalk,
because it's a very technically
demanding scene for me.
Look, it's it's just another kiss,
- all right?
- It's not just a kiss.
Not with me.
- Oh, God, I completely forgot.
- Mm?
You're reenacting
your own sister's tragic death
- by airlock.
- Yeah.
Good for you. I mean, awful.
Also, absolute award bait.
Yeah. I was thinking
about making it quite moving.
Because in reality
I mean, all she did really
was just step back like
(SCREAMS) Fuck!
- (BODY THUDS)
- Oh, shit.
Zara? You okay?
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Djopi Downer for you. TV favorite Zara
is now too dead to play her dead sister.
Let's all miss her.
(MELANCHOLIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
I'M NOT SHOUTING: It's Zara's universe,
and we're all just living in it.
Except her.
VIOLENT HAT MAKER: I named my dog Zara,
so now I have to kill it.
MOUSY TONGUE: I want her hair.
Now she's dead she doesn't need it. LOL.
CARWONTSTART: I hope she prepaid
for her funeral. My mom didn't.
VAMPIREOMBUDSMAN: I once saw her
in a restaurant eating a fish.
INCELBYDATE: Got no words.
Shouldn't have sent this message.
COMMENTER 1: She's explaining
science to the angels now.
Oh, God. Can we kill that?
Sick of looking at it.
PASSENGER: Turn it off, turn it off!
COMMENTER 2: She was killed
by a fatal floor.
- (MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY) ♪
- Sweet relief. Am I right?
DEVON: Feel better, Matt.
Oh, no. He's come to finish the job!
(MUFFLED) Oh, Matt, I am beyond sorry.
Well, I'm not beyond sorry.
I'm still in sorry. But
the far end of it, I'm
- You ordered me squeezed.
- No, didn't. Wouldn't. Couldn't.
- Thank you.
- Yeah. Right.
- What?
- Look at me.
I'm a dissident.
Wounded in a a turf war.
A blood feud.
I'm like that haughty bitch
who tried to fuck up A.S. Byatt.
- You mean Margaret Drabble?
- You're a Drabbler?
- (CHUCKLES)
- You love Madge-Drabs?
Super fan. Dark Flood Rises
it's one of my favorite books.
I lost my virginity to the audiobook.
- I love knowing that.
- I can't believe that
all this time we had this special bond
and we didn't even know about it.
I mean, it's like we're two princesses
and neither one of us can sleep
on a hard pea.
How much have they got you on?
Whoa, that is quite a lot. Yeah.
(INHALES)
Well, look, Matt, it's
Why don't we just put
all this shitty hurt behind us?
I would like that, sister.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
All right, mandatory smiles,
everyone. Smile right now.
- Smile. Hold these.
- RYAN: Matt,
handshake.
(CAMERA CLICKING)
I promise you, no no electric shocks,
no neural toxins.
- (PASSENGERS CHUCKLE AWKWARDLY)
- (IRIS LAUGHS LOUDLY)
MATT: Well
- (BOLT SLASHING)
- (GASPS)
(PASSENGERS GASP)
- MATT: Oh.
- RYAN: Oh.
- Ah ah
- Oh, motherfucker.
Somebody put these in water.
- They're plastic.
- MATT: (GROANS) Fuck.
- (GROANS)
- PASSENGER: It was Ryan!
No, no, no, that wasn't me.
That was that
- (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- (GROANS)
The crossbow killer's right there!
- (PASSENGERS SCREAM)
- SPIKE MARTIN: That's not a killer.
Matt's not dead.
Somebody do something.
We should take him to a hosp
Oh, no, no, we're already there.
SPIKE: It's a crossbow on a spaceship.
It always happens.
Here, I I've got you.
- Spike, this hurts
- Here we go
as much as it looks like it hurts!
(PASSENGERS GASPING)
Oh, I remember, you don't pull it.
You push it through to the other side.
- Okay. (GROANS)
- SPIKE: It's gonna sting a little.
(SCREAMS)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
RYAN: Thought you were
in charge of security.
How could you allow
a drive-by crossbowing?
You said you wanted
to "organize something" for him.
Yes, organize a a gathering.
A celebration with a big
"sorry we crossed you" card.
Uh, not super urgent, but, um
See, this is how it goes
with autocracies.
It starts out, and it's all caviar
and wiping your ass on a swan's neck,
and then pretty soon,
you're perforating dissidents.
- Yes, what is it?
- RAV: We're not gonna cancel
the TV Avenue 5 viewing party, are we?
Uh (EXHALES) No, I'll go
and I'll cheer the passengers up
with the lithium news,
and they can wash it down
with a complimentary glass of eel juice.
Yes, it'll be fun. Lithi-fun.
Okay, well, uh, you won't regret this.
You will. But it's done.
I've issued a ship-wide dictum.
No passengers to dress up
as you out of respect.
No! You see, Iris, these are the actions
of a dictator.
People can come dressed as me
if they like.
I I want you to make that very clear.
I might even go casual,
certainly make me more approachable.
Although if anyone
approaches me, stop them.
(MUSIC PINGS) ♪
IRIS: (OVER SPEAKERS)
If you want a good time tonight
at the fun viewing party, by all means,
dress as Commander Ryan.
That's all passengers as Commander Ryan.
(STATELY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
KAREN: Honey, it's out of my control.
It's Captain's orders.
And God only knows
what you're capable of.
He. What (CLEARS THROAT)
What he's capable of.
(SIGHS) Is it hot in here? I feel hot.
- I just don't feel comfortable.
- KAREN: Well, good. Use that.
It'll help you feel more British.
You know? Just imagine
from the age of three
that you only saw your parents
at Christmas,
and that you have teeth like Stonehenge.
(IN COCKNEY ACCENT) 'Ello, darlin'!
Show us your Beefeater.
Oh, okay, no. Just, no.
If you can't talk British,
just stay silent.
Like the people they subjugated.
Let's just
fix those epaulettes.
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Can I apologize again
for both trying to pull out
and then push further back in
the crossbow bolt?
I was in over my head.
MADS: Everyone's favorite target!
Bullseye dude! How do you feel?
MATT: Well, they ran out of painkillers,
so I'm in horrendous pain.
Right, right. But remember,
pain is all
Think beyond the pain.
People love you now.
Like, maybe that crossbow was fired
by a kind of Nordic god
of public relations.
- What?
- It was me. I shot you.
You shot him, you goddamn Euromaniac?
- What? To help him.
- SPIKE: Wha
MADS: He's charismatic now.
He's got a big following.
- You shot me for the numbers?
- What's wrong with pamphlets?
Also, the Cuddle Club?
I gave the signal to initiate
the terminal cuddle.
Oh, you John Wilkes Booth motherfucker.
People hated your guts
until I shot a crossbow into them.
You should thank me.
You should kiss my asshole.
- I'm a genius, actually.
- You're crazy.
- (ZIPPER FASTENING)
- Oh!
MATT: Oh boy.
Oh. Uh, you know,
I can't take grapes in here,
but a crossbow is fine.
I may be crazy,
but you are a disappointment.
- First Judd, now you.
- (GRUNTS)
Everyone I follow becomes weak.
Listen, I was going to shoot you again,
but I'm not going to.
You don't deserve my bolts.
Phony!
Okay.
Couple of red flags there,
behavior-wise.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
WAITRESS: Here you go, sir.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
PASSENGER 1: He's here! Ryan's here!
ALL: Fly true, Supreme Commander!
Oh, Christ.
It's a gangbang of doppelgängers.
IRIS: No, look,
there's a TV Judd and Doug.
Uh, sorry, we didn't mean
to disrespect you, sir.
We liked you the first time
you were a Captain.
Yeah, that's why we voted
for you the second time.
Oh, no, no, you voted for Nathan.
Uh, only in the ballot sense.
In in my heart, I voted for you.
Also, in my heart, I am dressed as you.
And I thought it was Halloween.
I thought it was like
a Halloween situation,
so I came as Iris,
'cause she's a monster.
Please don't shoot me like you did Matt.
I didn't shoot Matt. No, I like Matt.
I don't like Matt. I respect
Well, I wouldn't hurt him.
I would not hurt Matt.
No, he got someone else
to do it for him.
- (PASSENGERS GASP)
- RYAN: No, I did not!
Look, I'm not gonna murder anyone.
I couldn't give two shits for murder.
- (PASSENGERS GASPING)
- He doesn't care
that someone tried to murder Matt.
LUCY: And Zara!
PASSENGER 2: Watch your backs, heathens.
Crucifix coming through.
Oh, Christ.
- Actually, literally.
- I am Ryan, King of the Eels.
Forgive me for I know not
what the fuck I do.
MADS: Oh, hello. I'm Matt
and I'd rather be in pain than in power.
Look, everyone,
can we just smile and laugh?
This is a party.
We're gonna have fun,
even if it kills us.
(PASSENGERS MUTTERING)
- PASSENGER 3: We're having fun!
- PASSENGER 4: This is so much fun.
Can't believe everyone's scared of me.
Congratulations. Feels good, right?
Did Judd pay you to do this?
No, I thought I'd wear an outfit
that you'd like to get me out of
as quickly as possible.
- Ugh.
- And I have no imagination,
so I copied her. Don't shoot me.
(CHUCKLES) Ryan. Ryan.
(WHISPERING)
Thank you, Captain Buzzkill.
I'm portraying Ryan in his truest form.
Carrying all of our sins
while dressed like a weekend gigolo.
Well, like the Bible, you're
upsetting a lot of people,
so just dial it down tonally.
Something about that uniform
turns him into a big cat.
- IRIS: I don't see it.
- KAREN: Really?
I mean, look at those cuffs. Mm.
Wow, a little more of this uh,
lady gravy,
and we might just break
our eight-year drought.
I want to show her I don't need her.
You know, I can be Judd and Iris.
Yeah. I spent ages on my Sarah costume
and then she died,
and so I don't know
if it's touching or offensive.
No, corpseplay is hot.
And it's better than staying dressed
as a lonely mechanic, right?
Okay, observe the master.
NARRATOR: Previously on Avenue 5
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
No, this can't be right.
When I drink, the demons
don't sound quite so loud.
- (SOBBING) I'm sorry.
- Yeah.
Well, sorry just won't cut it!
Whatever God you believe in,
you better hope
- they're in a good mood.
- (ENGINE FIRES)
SPIKE: Billie, I found another dot.
- (PANTING)
- What?
A big missile heading right for us.
I tho I thought it was a floater.
- It's not a floater.
- What?
Nice. These motherfuckers.
It's like a game of poker
with these guys.
- What the fuck?
- JUDD: All right.
- Lucas, my man.
- BILLIE: Wait!
Little birdie tells me
you launched a missile at us.
Yeah, it's a big fuck off missile
that's traveling at 600 miles per hour.
Watch this. Well,
you may want to turn
that bad boy around,
here's the moment, because we just found
an asteroid
full of a juicy little element
we like to call lithium.
LUCAS SATO: Horseshit. Where is it?
Here comes the clincher.
How 'bout I tell you
after you turn
that missile around, Lucas?
Well, I can't. There's just no override.
Yeah, I mean, we would have
installed a device,
but uh, we're out of lithium.
And now we go along with the ruse.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, sure.
So the missile "can't be stopped,"
and we're "all gonna die."
Yeah. Without the stupid
Were you making air quotation marks?
- Sounded like you were.
- Really?
LUCAS: Yeah.
Maybe don't don't watch this part.
Hey, Lucas, uh, is this for
Are you being for real right now?
Yeah. Yeah, the missile
is uh, it's unstoppable,
and it will detonate on impact
and annihilate every single
molecule of the ship.
- (SIGHS)
- Oh.
So, how about
you just give me the location
- of the asteroid?
- How about this?
I hope that that asteroid
smashes into the planet
and annihilates every single life form
except for you, and then you live
an additional 50 years
and die of an asshole infection!
- No, no, no. (LAUGHS)
- That's what I hope!
Lucas, Lucas, why don't we just
pretend he doesn't exist.
One of my favorite hobbies, actually.
Um, what are the coordinates
of this miss
What the fuck did you just do?
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING OVER TV) ♪
TV RYAN: I had
the nightmare again, Mr. Judd.
- Same one as always.
- KAREN: Ryan
want to make a break for it?
TV RYAN: I was being murdered in space.
My room, now.
Frank won't be back for hours.
Only this time,
it wasn't a nightmare.
It was a dream.
I want you to lock the door
and swear at me in British.
Swear at me like I owe you money.
- (ALARM BLARING)
- Anomaly detected, Captain.
- (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- The light. It's getting bigger.
- (BREATHES HEAVILY)
- Captain, we have incoming.
- What kind of incoming?
- Captain, it's a missile.
I love y
(EXPLOSION BOOMS)
(ALL GASP)
PASSENGER 5: What is this madness?
- (CONFUSED MUTTERING)
- PASSENGER 6: Oh, no!
What?
What just happened?
I believe the old industry term
is a "reverse Soprano."
- They're all definitely dead.
- Wow. Well, that's a wrap.
Any chance this is, you know,
just a dream sequence?
NARRATOR: Dedicated to those who died
on the real Avenue 5
in the tragic terrorist missile strike.
(PASSENGERS GASP)
IRIS: Guess I don't
have final cut after all.
(PASSENGERS MUTTERING)
Oh, my God. We're all dead!
All right, everybody,
calm down, calm down.
There is no missile.
This this is TV writers
desperate to get an award.
Okay, there is, in fact,
a real missile. (PANTS)
- And that's code for
- BILLIE: No, no, no code.
That is some kind of cover up
for the fact
that there is a real missile
coming for this real ship.
Yeah, mm-hmm.
- Fuck. I gotta go.
- MADS: Goodbye, Fake Jesus.
Don't come back in three days.
No. No, guys.
Those are just visual effects.
I know that because I work in VFX.
Um, I may have fucked the pooch.
So, I just want to say I'm sorry.
Tomorrow will be better.
Although it does include a missile.
No. No, no, no. Before we die,
I got one thing to tell you.
I've been fake respecting you.
There are dead eel skins
at the bottom of that tank
that I have more respect for
than you, you narcissistic
little bulb of nothing.
She was great
in the negotiations, by the way.
- Really led it.
- I
What's the plan?
The plan is we have
to control the panic.
Iris, in spite of what I said to you,
I assume there is a secret police force.
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Round up the usual panickers.
Operation Harvest is go.
(PASSENGERS CLAMORING)
And don't shoot anybody with a crossbow.
Unless
No, do what you must.
Come on! Go!
(PASSENGERS CLAMOR)
PASSENGER 7: I haven't
done anything wrong!
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪