Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s02e06 Episode Script

1 So the basic advice I'm going for in this column is invest in yourself, take ten minutes of me time every day and don't look at your phone first thing in the morning.
That is wonderful, I love it.
Shandra, thank you very much, Thank you very much.
Okay so, we need some advice for parents on how to talk to trans teens.
Cynthia this one's for you.
Yes.
Woman 2: What do you got? Obviously this is a hot button issue.
Beep beep.
So uh invest in yourself.
Ten minutes of me time every day.
Don't check your phone first thing in the morning.
- Perfect.
- Okay.
- That is wonderful.
- Everyone: Great.
Okay so and the next one is how to disarm a nuclear device.
And Nat, this one was definitely yours.
Okay so I would say start by investing in yourself.
- Yes.
- Okay.
Um, you're gonna want to take ten minutes of me time but maybe just not right when you're disarming the nuclear device.
- Ten minutes.
- Yep.
["Dancing Underwater": Brave Shores.]
Me and my friends will spike the punch Rolling in the party we'll start the fun Get fancy Hey Hey There's no clouds it's just the sun Living in times that are meant for fun yeah Hold your breath a little longer Let's go dancing underwater Oh, oh, oh oh How do you like it? Uh eh, you know, it's okay.
I'm not sure I'm really totally feeling it.
It's on sale.
Oh, okay.
Well I guess it does fit well and Wait a second.
This dress has pockets? - This dress has pockets.
- Yeah.
- I frickin' love pockets! - Oooh.
Finally a place to put my hands! Free from the tyranny of a purse! I could go out with like a bus token and a Kleenex.
Tampon.
I could put twenty bucks and my bank card in here and go out for the night like a dude.
Yeah it is a garment of liberty.
I feel like a goddamn goddess.
This dress has pockets! Pockets people! Ma'am, you cannot leave the store.
Hi.
Can I help you? Uh yeah, I'm having some trouble sleeping and I was wondering if I could buy some pot.
Um Okay, well you could try Hemp Star or Skull Crusher 2.
But you look like you need something stronger.
Sure.
I'll-I'll try anything.
Well you know women of a certain age sometimes we have a little bit more trouble sleeping.
Come with me.
Okay.
Pharmacist: You don't need pot.
You need Pat.
Hey.
Would you like to try a sample? Ah sure but I have to warn you I've been married for ten years so I have a very high tolerance.
I've been checking out a power tool soft grip dehandle saw.
There's a ten inch one but I'm considering the twenty inch.
That's amazing.
Is that legal? [Inhales.]
It's a grey area, just remember not to use Pat while driving or operating heavy machinery.
Pat: You know, like, - baby carrots? - Mhm.
Their glycemic index is like way higher than regular carrots.
So if you're gonna choose, you know, based on glycemic index definitely get just regular full size carrots.
[Yawning.]
Okay.
Yeah that's pretty good.
Yeah, right? I've been using Pat myself for several years.
Once he gets going on subprime mortgages, I'm out like a light.
Did you know that female hyenas have something that, um, resembles a phallus basically for dominance? It's useless, it just hangs there.
I have-I have to go home now.
Do you have any pick me up weed? [Yawning.]
You don't need pick me up weed, you need pick me up Wade.
Oh hello.
Where to? 39 Madison.
Do you have any chips? They're on your way out.
Oh man.
Pat you are potent today.
I'm getting like a contact yawn just from you.
You know, like, how John Lennon is considered a creative genius.
Yeah good work.
Paul McCartney was the real musical master.
You know when they recorded Abbey Road there was a lot of tension in the band at that time.
Waiter: Here's the bill.
Thank you so much ladies take your time.
Woman: Oh thank you.
- Woman 2: Thank you.
- Thanks so much.
- Oh hey.
- What? Not a chance.
I'm getting this one.
No you're not, absolutely not.
Mmm mmm mmm, stop it, you paid last time.
No you stop it 'cause you paid last time.
I did not.
- You did too.
- Stop it.
- You stop.
- Be an adult.
I am an adult.
I'm paying for this one.
- Stop it.
- Grow up.
- You're not You grow up.
- Stop it.
- Oh my gosh.
This is - I will.
No.
Stop.
You know what's happening right now? Um, you're taking a small contribution, Hun.
- No I'm not.
- Yes you are and here it is.
I don't want your money.
I'm slipping it in.
I don't want it.
I want you to want it.
Stop it, I don't want it.
- Stop it.
- We're adults.
We are let's treat youuuuaah.
- Take it.
- Oh stop it.
Enough.
- You stop! - Okay, enough.
Take it.
I don't want your money.
You keep repeating what I say you little minx.
I won't.
Just take it.
Take it.
Take it.
Take it.
Take it.
- Take it.
Take it.
- I'll take it.
- Fine.
Okay.
Alright.
- Fine.
Go pay the big - Just going to settle this up.
- fat bill.
That was so great.
It was so great.
No it was wonderful to see you, it really was.
Here let me give you a hug.
Oh thank you so-oh no you didn't.
Look what you just did.
I didn't do anything.
I think you did.
I saw you.
No I swear I didn't do a thing.
Honey, take it.
I'm not taking your money.
I'd rather it stay on the sidewalk.
Don't you I'm not oh look at it down there.
I don't want it.
Hi.
Would you like to donate to Compassion For People? - Oh no thank you.
- I don't have anything.
Here, listen, just take it.
No I don't want it.
I'm not going to take it.
You're making me late.
I don't want your money.
Don't make me rip open that shirt and shove this twenty between those big beautiful sweaty titties of yours.
I'm sorry.
I'm just gonna - Go now? You have to go? - Yeah I think I'll go.
- Okay.
- You can - You can keep the twenty.
- Twenty? I'll keep it.
- Titties.
- I'll-I will hold onto it.
I'm sorry.
- I've got beautiful titties.
- No not really.
Okay.
And after about twenty minutes my perineum was just so soft and stretched out.
It was like taffy.
And then the baby came out? Then the baby came out.
Oh yeah that's good.
Woman 2: This only cost me thirty dollars.
- Namaste.
- Namaste.
- Namaste.
- Namaste.
- Namaste.
- Oh, Namaste.
- Namaste.
- Oh, Namaste.
Oh, she's facing the sun.
That makes sense.
[Clears Throat.]
[Humming.]
[Whispering.]
I just want to tell you I love your teaching method how you get in among the students.
Woman 4: Oh I'm not a teacher, I'm a student like you.
That is so wise.
We are indeed all students.
I'm a student.
I'm a student too.
Yeah me too.
Um, I just have to I'm sorry to interrupt, but to say that I went on a four day trip of India and uh it was the best trip of my life so.
I'm from Brampton.
Oh, I didn't make it down that far south.
But, uh, I hear it's beautiful.
Anyway thank you just for being here it means a lot to all of us.
Okay.
Lianne: Woo.
Okay.
Hi guys, sorry I'm late.
I couldn't find parking.
I'm your yoga teacher, Lianne.
Hi.
Do you do private lessons? - Sure.
- Yeah? Twenty bucks out back.
- Out back? - Yeah Okay thank you.
Namaste.
I wouldn't do that.
But somehow I did it.
- Oh you're such a gentleman.
- No, I'm not American.
Woman 2: Do you want to know something? They're both married.
Yes, that's all I'm going to say.
Woman: I mean if you did like who would complain, right? Just sayin' don't be playin' Oh hey, don't forget your files babe.
- Gracias.
- Okay - Hi Annette.
- Oh hi.
How are you? - Oh, I'm good.
- May I ask you a question? - Sure.
- What is up with you and Jason? He's my work husband.
That's disgusting.
Oh my god we just get along really well and we work together.
It's harmless.
- Hey, um, babe.
- Si? You forgot your lunch.
Breach, did you make that for him? Of course I did.
Here you go.
Keep it tight, right.
That is not cool.
Annette, I work in HR.
Oh my god you guys need to chill the eff out.
It's disgusting.
Hey, everybody needs a little pick me up at work, right? A little tickle, a little side drive by, right? Besides it stays at work.
We're very professional.
I just don't think it's a good idea.
Well I think this is about your work wife.
Work ex-wife.
Oh, is that what I am now? I'm your work ex-wife? The sheets are barely dry Camille.
Oh give me a break Susan.
Oh you give me a break, go back to your hetnorms lifestyle.
Ohhoho, that's rich.
You took the best four years of my work life and you know it.
Susan: Oh.
Oh I did.
Did I? Well you couldn't have it when you had it and then you had it and you didn't know how to take it back and now you can't have it anymore so go and take it and have it and go with it wherever you want.
- Mom? - Mhm? I just had a work fight with Susan.
Oh honey I'm so sorry but you can't let her in like that.
You know she's bad for you.
Camille: Yeah.
I'm her work mom.
Okay.
Mom: Okay tell me all about it honey, I'm right here.
Wow that is really dysfunctional.
I know, it's, like, get some boundaries.
Ugh.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh [Exhales.]
Will you be needing any bags? Um Do um - No.
- Do you need some bags? No I'm good.
Are-are you sure? This is a it's a lot.
I got it.
I don't need a bag.
Look, I do this all the time.
Fit a little in here, a little in here.
I'm not going to like wreck a cotton field.
These guys are shear sheep.
All this.
Okay are you sure you don't need any bags? I-I'm fine.
I don't-I don't need any bags.
I got this.
Don't worry about me.
I just-I just have to reorganize.
Oh.
Could you just hold this please? Oh yeah, sure, sure.
Oh I didn't, that's fine.
There's always way too many potatoes.
I was going to eat this anyway.
I'm starving.
- Do you mind? - Oh yeah.
- A little help.
- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
- There's loads of room.
- Oh yeah.
- Just dump that straight in.
- Yep.
There we go.
Just one second.
If you could just hold that for me there.
Yeah that's great.
Bet you feel silly with your bags now? Maybe you should have thought about it before you came and brought all your bags.
I just have a lot of room in the back here.
It's going to go there anyway right.
Got that one.
There you go.
For that time of the month.
You're really helpful.
This is-this is why I like to shop here.
Okay.
I'm a heavy bleeder.
Okay, um - Okay.
- Okay.
Okay.
Store Clerk: Do you want to come back for the rest or? - Yeah.
I'll come back.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Well done you.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Sir, let me just uh Okay.
What have we got? Woman: Have a good day! Yeah, you too.
Oh that's us.
You're so cute here.
Oh my god, I love this one of us.
Yeah kiss.
You're so cute.
Aw.
Wife: It's just that when you're buddies come over to play cards I end up doing the dishes.
But I bought you a dishwasher so it wouldn't be so hard.
It just would be nice if you could help out more.
Honey, I bought you a dishwasher.
I don't know what more I can do.
Um, listen, excuse me I-I don't mind if you engage in heteronormative gender role play but do you have to do it out here in the park? Yeah maybe keep it for the privacy of your own home, okay? I mean there's there's children playing here.
Child: How are my moms going to explain this to me? I don't know.
Sorry.
Do you know her moms? - No.
- No.
[Fun Lively Music.]
[Buzzing.]
Nooooooooo.
Nooo! I don't want to go.
I don't want to gooooaah.
[Sighs.]
TOTAAALLLYYYY!!! [Buzzing.]
Oh shit.
Oh, oh oh oh oh oh.
AMAZIIINNNGGG!!! GREAT!!!! Where should we meet? Just pick a place.
Your pick! Why do I always have to pick the place?! How about the market? There.
[Buzzing.]
[Gasps.]
The market is closed today.
Cancel, cancel.
[Buzzing.]
Please.
Oh no! Sad face.
Should we cancel? Aw.
Yes! [Buzzing.]
Boom, boom, boom, boom! Yes! Hallelujah Yes! Hey - Hey see you Monday.
- See you Monday.
Sorry it didn't work out.
- No, no problem at all.
- Next time.
Have a good weekend you guys.
Darnella: Congratulations.
You are officially homeowners, the house is yours.
Man: Amazing.
- I can't believe it.
- Finally.
How does it feel? Does it feel good? - Yeah it feels so good.
- Honest to god, I'm so relieved.
Fantastic, well listen, I got you a little something.
Oh that's so nice.
Well to welcome you to the neighbourhood.
- Did you get her something? - No.
Okay, don't worry.
Darnella: Gift one, this one is for you.
Oh.
And this one, Michael, is for you.
Great.
Thank you.
It's a-it's a old dirty robe.
It is a neighbour robe.
Okay, yeah.
It is to welcome you to the neighbourhood so you, you know, fit in with everybody else because you're not just homeowners, - you're neighbours now.
- Oh.
And if you take a look two doors down that's Tina and Rick.
They're in their morning coffee robes.
Hi Tina.
- Hi Rick.
- Hi guys.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi, new neighbs.
Welcome to the neighbourhood.
Hi! Um, are those really our neighbours? They look like they're from a cartoon.
It is a bit uncanny isn't it.
But judge not, till you've walked a mile in their robes.
Uh, there's Ken.
Yeah he's in a nice beltless terry cloth number.
He comes out every morning to pick up his newspaper.
He's waving at ya.
Michael: He certainly is.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi.
That's like a soft twisted plum.
I don't know.
Come on try them on.
Um, okay.
This one's missing a sleeve.
Mine smells a tiny just a tiny bit of sick.
Take a look right over there.
Woman: Uh huh.
That's Jeff and Jeff they're in the satiny shorty robes and you see those robes leave room for a lot of self-expression, you know, a lot of movement.
They're dancers.
- Jeff and Jeff.
- Wow.
You can tell, yeah.
Hi, Jeff and Jeff.
Hey, J2.
- Hello.
- Hi! Welcome to the neighbs, neighbs.
- Woman: Hello - Look how happy they are.
Come on, get into the spirit, make yourself more comfortable.
Excuse me? Well, I mean, you're all uptight in your clothes why don't you loosen up a bit.
It's our house, we should get comfortable.
- I'm free willing I'm gonna - Yeah, let's free will.
We should fit in.
Well just take your time.
I mean I won't be changing I'm - I'm the agent so - Right.
Free your bits it's really fun.
Thanks for the commission I really appreciate it, you know.
Of course, thanks for thanks everything.
You paid 50% over market.
Okay, bye bye.
Bye.
Hi.
Oh, hi.
Look at those eyes, he is going to be a heartbreaker.
Woman 2: What a charmer.
Oh, you got a real Casanova on your hands.
Woman: Don't look at them.
Tell me about it.
He is already such a flirt.
Aren't you, it's like see ya later mom.
[Gasping.]
Ooh he likes you.
Mom: What a flirt.
Everyone: Ooooh.
Mom: Thanks so much.
He's such a cutie.
Oh, thank you.
I'll see you guys soon okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mom: Mwah.
Bye, bye.
Ah great party Claire.
Oh.
Congratulations again.
Thanks so much, babe.
It's so good to see you again.
It's been so long.
Totally, totally.
Listen, when-when you put Felix down for his nap, did he say anything about me? Did my newborn son say his first words and were they a question about you? Mwamwa.
No it's just that, you know, after you mentioned that he was flirting I mean I never notice this stuff but, um, you know, since you-you brought it up and pointed it out I just think it's better to be upfront now.
Um, I'm not really dating right now.
I'm pretty happy being single.
Woman: Great party, Claire.
Great party.
Sorry, you have a little sweetheart on your hands.
Oh my, he really had eyes for you at one point.
No, no, no, I told her.
It can't happen.
Sorry, Claire.
Alright, bye.
Yep.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh - [Whispering.]
Don't move.
- What? Don't move.
Why? Doctor Penfield is on the bed.
- The cat's on the bed.
- The cat's on the bed.
- The cat's on the bed.
- Shut up - You shut up.
- You shut up.
Shhhh.
- Okay, shhh.
- Shhh.
Okay, I'm pretending to read my book.
Okay, and I am going to just keep talking in this voice.
I'm just going to slide myself like a seal over here.
Woman 2: I'm going to lift my bum she needs more vertical.
Woman: Okay, she wants more room, she wants more room.
Okay, okay, she's still here.
I'm just going to move my leg up like this and then it gives her a little more room.
- Okay, wait, wait, wait.
- Oh this is good.
Woman 2: Don't move.
Dr.
Penfield? Oh, she's trying to get comfortable.
[Deep Breathing.]
Just give her a little more room.
Just give her a little more room.
We're going to go back to sleep and spend Sunday morning, comfortable in bed.
Okay you put your ass on my ass and I'll just reach out and see if I can pet her then we'll all be touching.
Oh yeah I'm touching her, my fingers are touching her.
Woman 2: Okay.
I love you.
Woman: I love you too.
Woman 2: I love this so much.
Woman: Let's just sleep like this every night okay.
Woman 2: Okay.
Karen: Gigi! It's Karen.
Oh, hi! Karen: Hey, I can't stop.
Oh that's okay.
I'm on my way to work I've got a big meeting.
Okay.
It's a, you know, a slide presentation with a thousand slides.
Yeah, yeah, that's fine keep biking.
I just didn't want you to think I didn't want to stop and talk to you.
- Okay.
- How are you? - I'm great.
- Oh good.
You know, we should really catch up when we have time to stop.
Yeah sure.
- Okay, okay this was great.
- Okay.
Oh! Okay whoa! [Bang.]
Glad that finally stopped.
Ooh.
I'll call you! Woman: Mmm.
What would you wish on a star for? I wish that I could transform into any animal.
Meow.
Grrr.
I think I would wish to be able to fly.
I would wish to read minds.
Oh, that's good.
I wish for bone marrow.
Wishes are so fun, you know, just to sort of focus on the unattainable.
Actually bone marrow's really common.
You all have it.
You know what would be nice? Woman 4: Pizza.
Ossobucco.
Oh, yes, yes.
I could really go for some.
Woman 4: That would be lovely.
Any of you could go down and donate and see if you're a match.
- Does anyone want more wine? - Oh that sounds great.
You read my mind maybe you got my wish.
Yeah, you're the mind reader.
I've been asking you for six months.
Okay, red or white? White?