Better Off Ted (2009) s02e06 Episode Script

Sometime's whan Your working out about a importing project from the all dedline, Puting a lot's lates night.
are You sure You don't want to sure something guilt Honey, i'm sure Your'e Eating all my breakfast bars while you sleep, And then hiding the wrappers from mr.
Ted.
- I want to stay here with you.
Good.
Good night.
We did it, ted.
We now have a working prototype for the veridian sleep system.
All the hard work, Late nights and no rest have paid off.
We've cured sleeplessness And demonstrated irony.
Well, that's great, Because the relaxation convention's only a week away.
I know.
It's so exciting.
We heard a commercial for it this morning.
"relaxxxacon! The world's largest gathering of relaxation technology.
" "72 hours of nonstop, In-your-face, cutting-edge relaxation.
" "sammy hagar! Alice cooper! And the navy's blue angels!" we're a little loopy Due to the exhaustion.
behold.
Inside this box is a transmitter Which will induce the human brain To emit alpha waves, Gently lulling it into a restful sleep.
that sounds means it's working.
if you can put up with it for three minutes, Hello, dreamland! Turn it off! Just turn it off! I have a note.
It's the sound, right? That's what's bothering you? It's too loud, correct? You've only got a few days to crack this, fellas.
Otherwise, we are not gonna make this year's.
relaxxxacon! The extra "x" is for more z's.
well, that is fun.
Hey, linda.
One more week.
How you holding up? I'm a little tired, And working these hours is making everyone unhappy.
Bob stole amy's danish.
She got so mad, she stapled his lip to his cubicle.
He tried to call for help, but it came out "helf.
" It was actually horrifying.
They had to call an ambulance.
Ugh! This is bitter.
Oh! God, you idiot! Oh, my god.
Jenkins, I'm so tired, I thought you were a sink.
I'm so tired, I thought you were my mouth.
Morale does seem pretty low.
It's like that time They paid our holiday bonuses in frozen food.
Potpie christmas.
It did not help that they made them with real reindeer.
We have a morale problem.
You're always coming to me with a problem.
Just once I wish you'd greet me with a sparkler and cotton candy And tell me I have the number one albumn america.
You handed out "veronica in the key of love" at the office party, And no one threw it back at you.
Consider that a victory.
Listen, this deadline is coming up fast, And if we want these people to keep going, We've gotta do something to keep th motivated.
Ted, if there's a morale problem, The company recommends You take the hardest-working employee and fire them.
That'll scare the rest of the peasants Back into the fields.
What if instead of scaring people, We single out the hardest working employee And reward them with something fun? Less stephen king, more stephen The clown.
I couldn'think of a fun stephen.
Segal.
No, that one's no good either.
Fine.
The workers pushed the button and lit up the light.
They can have their monkey chow.
Now you've all been working really hard this week, But no one harder than jenkins.
He was here when I left last night, And he was already at his desk when I got in this morning.
If I had known jenkins was gonna be such a hero, I wouldn't have thrown my coffee at him.
You should never throw your coffee at anyone, Because you never know if they're going to become A great man.
I threw coffee at a cardinal on a plane.
Now he's the pope.
Back then he was just a guy in a big hat blocking the movie.
All right, guys.
Okay, I was wrong.
It's more than a morale problem.
- We worked a man to death.
- I heard about jenkins' death.
The company feels terrible about it.
People are working too hard, veronica.
We need to slow down.
Legal's position is, We don't know if hard work killed jenkins.
Legal thinks he may have had high cholesterol.
They're also floating the idea that his being dead May have been a preexisting condition, And that he may not have been alive when we hired hi Apparently he was pretty quiet in his job interview.
Veronica, we need to get back to a normal work schedule, Even if that means we don't make the relaxxxacon deadline.
We can introduce our sleep system Even if that meanext montht make the at the snooze-a-palooza Or in July at the texas pillow and gun show.
Look, they're giving everyone an afternoon off.
And we're throwing the guy a big memorial, Something nice he would never have treated himself to.
So that's it? A half a day off? Sorry, ted.
The company feels That if we ease up just because someone died, It will only encourage other people to die.
Well, if it's one thing this company understands, It's how human beings work.
So we can ship it all to florida.
I think jenkins has family there.
Either that, or florida has a shortage Of miniature mouthwash and dilbert cartoons.
this cartoon resonates With my own experience of office life, But through a comical lens.
God.
You're here one minute, and then--poof.
You've exhaled your last minty fresh breath And died in your office, cakess.
That's why it's important To always appreciate the moment you're in, Because the future is a cake which may never come.
Wow.
Look how profound this moment just got.
Let it wash over you, linda, because now it's gone.
Did you appreciate it? I did, because I always live in the present.
Wow.
This is a good moment, too.
Savor it.
I am.
And now it's gone.
I wish I could live completely in the present.
That's something about me I've always wanted to work on.
Maybe I'll attack it this summer.
No, I was gonna do some traveling, maybe go to europe.
Also, I want to go up in a blimp-- Ow! God! My eyes.
What the hell? I was helping you to live in this moment.
It hurts! Exactly.
You're in pain, And so you're completely in the present.
And when you're in the present, you're living your life.
You're not caught up in what could have been Or what might be.
Huh.
That makes sense.
And so the student becomes the master.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh, I'm in this moment.
Excellent.
Now quick, look at the dilbert cartoon.
Oh.
It's fun now.
Because you're giving it your complete focus.
Ah.
Now let's go listen to my cd.
It'll blow your mind.
Since the company wasn't gonna ease up on the schedule, I thought I'd use the memorial to encourage everyone To take better care of themselves.
You know what I remember about jenkins? He used to be alive.
So pace yourself, know your limits, And if you feel yourself dying Uh, well, tell your supervisor.
I can't believe ted's making me Speak at this thing.
you knew jenkins better than anybody.
I didn't know him.
Nobody did.
All I did was throw coffee at him.
I am not saying things were always smooth Between the two of you, But in the end, you understood each other.
Chest bump for good luck? now I'd like to ask lem hewitt to say a few words.
These sugar cookies are great.
I'm gonna have 'em at my memorial.
I love sugar cookies.
When I was a kid, my mom used to make 'em.
But instead of sugar, she'd use brandy.
And instead of dipping them in milk, She'd dip them in brandy-- now what's going on? My mind was drifting, and I'm trying to stay in the moment.
Oh.
Now I know what a beard of fingers would feel like.
It's just as I had imagined.
Gordon jenkins was a good man.
But he was also a complex man.
For example, he liked coffee, But he did not like having coffee thrown at him.
In fact, jenkins hated being burned by any hot liquid.
In that way, he was like many of us, Sensitive to heat.
What a character.
Good-bye, jenkins.
I hope you're throwing coffee at god right now.
Nice work, lem.
Goose bumps.
Really? Sure.
Why not? Carl jenkins-- Gordon.
Carl gordon-- Jenkins.
Carl gordon jenkins-- Gordon jenkins.
Carl gordon jenkins gordon jenkins.
Are you sure that's right? That's fine.
Was a man who loved his work.
He lived for it, And in all but the legally culpable sense, He died for it.
And so we must ask ourselves, how do honor this great man? By giving up on the project he held so dear? I said, by giving up on the project he held so dear? no.
By quitting on him and his dream of creating The most advanced sleep system in human history? no.
Or by finishing the job Carl gordon jenkins gordon jenkins started So that his death will not be in vain? yes! By working day and night to meet our deadline And storm the walls of relaxxxacon.
yes! My friends, we will complete this project on time, And we will do it for jenkins! for jenkins! I can't hear you.
for jenkins! Avenge him! Who do we kill?! Insomnia, and who do we kill it for? jenkins! You're damn right.
Now let's go upstairs and get back to work, For tonight, we dine in hell! Sorry, ted.
The company didn't think sad was the way to go.
Veronica's speech at jenkins' memorial Inspired people to work even harder.
The company liked what it saw, so the next day, It shifted the jenkins mobile into turbo drive.
So after day care, Do I get to sleep in your office again? Oh, look at you, Saying "get to" to make me feel better.
Honey, I know my being busy is hard, But it's just for a few more days.
It's okay.
At least your couch is comfortable.
So we're doing posters now? The company got us these To remind us what we're working for.
Plus, they got us These neat little rubber wristbds for free.
It says, "work strong.
For jenkins.
" here.
Sheila, don't you see what's happening? The company is exploiting jenkins' death To make people work harder.
The compansaid that jenkins said That some people would say that.
I just can't believe it's one of the finders.
The finders? One of the eight people who found his body.
Lem! Wake up! The cool accountants are on their way down.
Oh, damn it.
And the lab is such a mess.
Wh--perry and todd and beaver? What are those guys doing coming down here? Stop questioning me and help clean this place up.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Clean lab, bro.
Yeah, whatever.
So you were friends with jenkins, huh? Me? Uh, yeah, yeah.
We werpretty tight.
Sure.
That's sick.
What was he really like? He had a huge heart.
Uh, I remember him saying once, "lem, you are my best friend, and if I should die, "at least I'll die knowing one really cool guy.
You, lem, the cool guy I'm referring to.
" Nice.
Dude, we're gonna step outside to take a cigarette break.
Do you want to come? Well, I don't smoke, But I'd love to watch you guys smoke.
Me, too.
Then it's settled.
We all get to Hang out with you guys.
Oh, sorry, odd lab dude.
The smoking area's kinda small.
Well, isn't it all of the outdoors? For the love of god, phil, please don't ruin this for me.
Oh, linda, I need your testing report On the sleep system packaging.
Marketing keeps I'm going to count to one.
Sorry.
It helps me stay in the moment.
If your moments don't hold your attention, You need to look deeper Until you find what's interesting in them.
Like right now, I'm losing interest in this moment.
And so I'm going to Sweep the leg.
Oh! Oh.
Ahh.
That's what this moment needed.
Now the company's exploiting jenkins To get people to work harder.
There's posters d bracelets.
There's an inspirational video About him playing in the elevator.
I know.
I got them to use one of the songs from "veronica in the key of love.
" the settrs crossing the prairie Jonas salk discovering the polio vaccine Gordon jenkins writing the table of contents For the veridian sleep system manual Great achievements take hard work.
Shouldn't you try to be more like gordon jenkins? Yes, you should.
Don't get me wrong.
It was the best elevator video Since the soft-core porn one about recycling.
But if the company keeps using jenkins to rev people up, Someone else is gonna get hurt or dead.
It's just for a few more days until relaxxxacon, And then the jenkins thing will end.
Yeah? Because knowing how much this company loves productivity, It wouldn't surprise me If 14-hour days became the new normal.
The jenkins thing will end.
And so will the 14-hour days.
The jenkins thing will end.
Veronica, the 14-hour days? Jenkins, good-bye.
Adios, jenkins.
Jenkins no mo'.
You gotta be kidding me.
So they really are gonna make this permanent? None of us are gonna see oufamilies again.
Ani like rose.
I wasn't entirely sold in the first six months, But now I'm way into her.
I'm gonna go tell everyone in this department, veronica, And they are not gonna stand for it.
Oh, ted, you adorable little flower.
What are they gonna do, quit? If they do, the company will just replace them.
Then I am gonna go upstairs and convince management That what they're doing is immoral.
Wow.
I'm glad I tried that one out on you Before going up there.
Ted, no one knows how many licks it takes To get to my moral center, but I can see How this is important to you, so here's the deal-- If you want to get the company off this, you have to show them That this new pace is gonna cost them money, Because the company loves its money.
If they could, they'd go to strip clubs And throw naked women at money.
So jenkins hooks this 6-foot trout, And it's freaking out, flopping around the boat.
And jenkins hated the sight of blood Because of his time in the mossad.
So I had to reach past those razor-sharp teeth And pull the hook out for him.
we hugged and wept, And jenkins said to me, "lem, you Are my best friend.
" Le Can I talk to you for a minute? Oh, sure.
That was our fishing story, except it was you who was Flopping around on the floor with a hook in your mouth, And I was thone who took it out, and there was no fish Because the whole thing happened at a sporting goods store.
And it is my wife who was in mossad.
Phil, the cool accountants like me.
They let me go to the store and buy them cigarettes.
And I need more jenkins stories than that coffee spilling one That just lies there like a turd.
I feel like jenkins is replacing me.
that's ridiculous.
Why don't we have lunch later, just you and me? It's basted chicken day in the cafeteria.
It'll give us another chance to figure out what broasting is.
Well, I do want to get to the bottom of that.
Okay, we'll have lunch.
I just hope "broasting" is not a typo, Like that butter crotch pudding.
So I've been trying to live in the moment, But it's really hard Because a lot of my moments aren't that interesting.
So I was wondering Do you want to have sex right now? Gee, that feels really right, But I'm in the middle of something.
In fact, you can help me.
I need to sabotage the sleep system And make sure it's not finished in time for relaxxxacon.
Cool.
That's not sex but it beats Getting knocked to the floor so hard, you want to go Back to wisconsin and get your master's in cheese sciences.
Yes, it does.
See, I need to show the company that overworking people Will make them so tired, they'll make mistakes, And that will cost the company money.
Yeah.
This could be a great moment.
We'll go to the basement and get a fire hose.
Then we get ten pies, a ramp and a motorcycle-- all I need is your computer.
See, you have access to the shipping database.
And I need to cancel an order of parts For the sleep system prototype.
And you want to use my computer So you don't get in trouble.
Nice try, crisp.
Sweep the leg.
Look, you're not gonna get in trouble.
It'll just look like an anonymous worker Maki a sleepy mistake.
Fine.
It turns out that broasting is a combination of, And I'm quoting, "roasting and get the hell out of my kitchen.
" He wouldn't tell me the proportions.
Who's in the urn? It's him, isn't it? Jenkins doesn't have any family out here, So the company asked me to pick up his ashes.
I see.
Well, you two enjoy your lunch.
Oh.
Come on, phil.
What was I supposed to do, leave him in a car? It's a hot day.
He's already ashes.
Look, I know you don't like him, But he is my friend now.
So why don't you come join us for lunch? I'm sure the three of us can work this out.
Or Why don't I do this?! You two are jerks.
? shaba-daba-dee-do-da ? ? shaba-daba-boo-be-ba ? It is 8:00 at night, and the shipment of parts For the sleep system never got here.
Now we are not gonna make our deadline, And the company will learn That pushing people too hard leads to mistakes.
How do I feel about that? ? never gonna let you down ? ? never gonna run around and desert you ? ? shaba-daba-dee-do-da shaba-daba-boo-be-ba ? Ted, the parts shipment for the prototype didn't arrive.
We'll never be ready in time for relaxxxacon.
Where's your jenkins now? The parts didn't come? Oh, my god.
This is terrible.
What are we gonna do, go home to our families? Okay.
Can I have everyone's attention, please? We are all disappointed we're not gonna make the deadline.
Now nkins' soul is going to hell! aw.
No, it's not, sheila.
That's just something the elevator said.
Look, when we push ourselves too hard, mistakes get made.
And now there's no possible way-- I've got the parts for the prototype! What? That's impossible.
The parts didn't come because someone was tired So now the company can't work us so hard.
Actually, last night, I was so sleepy, I accidentally opened the shipping database, And I saw that someone had canceled the order.
So I stole my ex-wife's minivan, drove all night to stockton Got the order and brought it back.
I've been driving for 20 straight hours.
I took everything the truckers gave me.
Watch how fast I can run.
Now we can go back to work.
For jenkins! for jenkins! No, wait, wait, look.
The company is using jenkins to get you all to work harder.
but the thing is, it's-- It's not gonna be just for this project.
The company wants to make these crazy hours the new normal.
But we can't work this way forever.
No, we can't.
So I'm going back to my old schedule.
I don't care what they do to me.
I'm taking my daughter and I'm going home.
So we weren't working this hard for jenkins? We were doing it all for the company? But jenkins was still a great man, right? I mean, you were with him when he helped that killer whale Find its way home.
I had not heard that one.
Was that an embellishment of the time I helped That large woman with the hole in the top of her head Find her way back to her apartment? Actually, I stole that story from "free willy.
" oh.
I've been using jenkins for my own gain, Just like the company.
All those stories I told about jenkins Were really just things I did with phil.
Phil is the great man and phil is my best friend.
Who's phil? Where are you going? I've had it.
I'm going home.
But it's still dark out.
I have to pee.
Uh, can it wait, honey? We're kinda having a moment here.
Nope.
Sorry.
hey.
Hold the door! I'm going with you.
You're supporting me on this? What? Oh, no.
I just have a dinner date.
Well, all my stuff's still here.
And they didn't spring the trap door on me in the lobby.
So I guess I haven't been fired.
Nope.
We won.
Apparently after we stormed out last night, The whole department filed out behind us.
So the company backed down on the new hours? I/we did it, Because I/we stood up for what was right.
I/we am proud of me/us.
I/me, too, ted.
Together, we're like gandhi.
I'm skinny, and you're tan.