Betty White's Off Their Rockers (2012) s02e06 Episode Script
January 22, 2013 (2)
- Excuse me! - Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Here.
Here.
Here.
Would you take our picture? You can take our picture? Yeah.
Thank you.
- Thank you, thank you.
- This is nice.
Yes, I think, right here.
- Get in position.
- Stand up straight.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
On 3.
1, 2 Okay.
Whoo! Nailed it.
No! Ooh! Ahh.
Hi, there, and welcome to the show.
Hi, Nicole.
Hi.
Mmm.
My BFF and favorite designer Nicole Richie is here to show me the red carpet dress she designed for me to wear to the video music awards.
I told her I wanted a dress to make some noise, this dress is totally delish.
I can't wait for you to try it on.
Me, either.
So, are you gonna go try it on? You haven't given it to me yet.
Oh, I sent it over last week.
It was a dress made completely out of lifesavers.
Oh.
- That was a dress? - Yeah.
Oh, you didn't try it on? Well, I certainly tried it, and you're right.
It was delish.
Uh, uh, hmm? Oh, excuse me.
Do you mind if I sit next to you? Oh, not at all.
I'm sorry.
Thank you so much.
Are you traveling today? I'm not traveling today.
Oh, my.
Where are you traveling? I'm going to Chicago.
- By train? Really? - Yeah.
That should take some time.
I think they said three, four hours, something like that.
It'll be a nice long trip.
- Did you say three or four? - Mm-hmm.
To Chicago? I think that's what they said.
- From here? No, no, no, no.
- No? How long? Chicago's probably somewhere closer to about 12 to 14 hours.
Oh.
Maybe they said 13 or 14.
Oh, my.
Okay, well I would double check before you get on the train.
Okay.
Could, um I have D.
C.
police, please? Yes, I'm at the train station, and I'm sitting next to this young guy.
And he's trying to confuse me about my trip, and I'm really concerned.
Yeah, could you send a police officer over here? Yeah, I think he's trying to plot against me.
He's got on a blue sweater, and he's staring at you know, I'm walking away right now.
Yeah, I'm really afraid.
Oh, he's standing up.
Please hurry.
Please.
Excuse me.
We're doing a scavenger hunt.
Could you help us out? You're perfect.
_ Oh, doesn't matter.
You're perfect.
We need a guy with no shirt on to turn towards the ocean, hold their arms up, and yell out, "I love Justin Bieber!" Five times.
- Five times? - Five times.
She's gonna take a video of it.
All right.
That's amazing.
- Okay.
- Okay why not? Right here.
Right here's fine.
- Hands straight up.
- Like this? Okay.
Are you filming? - Got it? Okay.
Go! - Yeah.
Yeah.
I love Justin Bieber! Sucker! Go! Keep going! So, Betty, we are just about ready to launch your new celebrity fragrance.
Oh, that's just heavenly.
We're still working on the bottle design, but we're so happy you've chosen a name, Eau de White simple, classic, elegant.
E eau de White? When did I choose that? Yesterday on the phone? Oh, honey.
You called when I was in the middle of something, and I was saying, "ohh, Dwight.
" C c can you help me one second? I just need to get to that other concrete, 'cause the batteries on the thank you, son.
I really appreciate it.
Just over there.
That would be perfect.
We're almost there.
Uh, the wheels won't slip right there.
So that'll be perfect.
Oh, I really appreciate this.
Okay.
Thank you.
You smell good.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Sucker! Whee! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Oh.
I am so excited.
One of my dearest friends has asked me to be a bridesmaid.
You know the best thing about being a bridesmaid you get to hook up with the groom.
That's the groomsmen, Betty.
The bridesmaid hooks up with the groomsmen, not the groom.
No wonder I have to keep finding new best friends.
Uh, can I get your advice about something? Yes, sir.
Yeah, well, my wife and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight.
Congratulations.
Well, thank you.
Yeah, so, we got a room in this hotel.
And she's up there.
I want to make tonight really special, okay? So, can you give me your feedback on which one of these nighties you think she would like better? Which one do you like better? That's the question.
- You'd go with the pink? - I'd go with the pink.
Okay.
Then that's the one I'm gonna wear.
Thanks a lot, guys.
Excuse me.
Do you text? - I forgot my glasses.
- Yes, I can text.
Oh, wonderful.
Thank you so much.
I have to send a text to my sister.
- Yes.
What is it? - Okay.
Sue, I saw your husband last night.
"I saw your husband last night.
" Remember that thing he said he hated to do in bed? - "In bed?" - In bed, question mark.
He lied.
And hit send for me, please.
Sure thing.
And to make sure it's correct.
"Sue, I saw your husband last night.
Remember that thing he said he hated to do in bed? He lied.
" That's perfect.
- Send.
You sent it? - Yep.
Wonderful.
Payback's a bitch! - Yes.
- Thank you.
Thank you! How's everyone doing here today? How are you all? You're gonna have a lot of fun.
You're about to see "The Bourne Legacy.
" It runs about 89 minutes, and it's got a new actor playing the role of Matt Damon, who left.
Yeah.
Very much like my wife left me for a tennis player.
Can you believe it? Just left me and went down to Costa Rica.
This movie's full of action.
Well, let me tell you, they're having a lot of action down there, plenty of action.
Anyway, everyone, really enjoy the movie.
Have a good time.
Yes.
Dance time.
Nicole? I need your professional opinion.
I just threw this together.
How does it look? Oh, that outfit is everything.
Yes, everything.
But No, I meant, that's everything.
Like, that's tight.
Well, if it's too tight, why didn't you just say so? Let me put it to you in a way that you can understand.
This outfit is the cat's pajamas.
Oh.
Why didn't you just say I look mad dope? Your tea, sir, Earl Grey, piping hot, just as you like it.
I buttle for this whole area.
If you sit in this area, I'm your man.
If there's anything you need just ring me.
Anything you want.
I'll be right over here.
- Sir? - Yes, uh _ - It's tea time, sir.
- Oh.
In fact, it should be time for your bath if you're ready.
I can draw your bath.
My ba - Hi.
I'm getting married.
- Love your headpiece.
- You are? Oh, my - Yes! - Whoo! - Yeah! Amazing! Thank you.
Listen, I need you to do something.
What? What are we doing? Well, I'm on a bachelorette scavenger hunt.
They gave me a party today.
So I need you to do a little task for me.
I need you to bite off one of these suckers and then sign your name.
- Would you do that? - Yeah.
Hell, yeah.
Oh, you're the best.
Which one do you want? Um, I'll go with the green one.
Okay.
Go for it.
Aah! That's beautiful.
Yes! Yes! Oh, God, don't get the pin.
Okay.
There you go.
Beautiful.
Ohh, yeah.
Aah! Beautiful.
Oh, wow! Yeah.
Bite.
- How do I - Go, baby.
Whoo! I'm gonna plant a big one on him for you, baby.
Thank you so much! A large black red-eye for Tess? Tess Tickle [Testicle.]
? Tess Tickle? A large latte for Buster? Buster Cherry [Bust her cherry.]
? Buster Cherry? A mocha frappuccino for Jacques? Jacques Strap [Jock strap.]
? Is there a Jacques here? A Jacques Strap? Anybody at all? Who ordered this stuff? Go ahead.
Do it.
My arms are getting tired.
Help me out.
Help me out.
Back to me.
Come on.
80, 81, 82.
Pass it to that guy now.
Hey, no beach balls allowed here.
Boo! What a what a jerk! Oh, Richard, it's just wonderful that you're here.
I love reminiscing about our old pranks.
Me too, Betty.
You remember the time we filled Lou's car with ping-pong balls? You know, I don't recall that one, Betty.
How about the time we rigged the door with the bucket of water to fall on Ann? I don't remember that one, either.
How about the time you bet me $1,000 that I'd retire from show business by the time I turned 80? I don't remember that.
Richard, you have the worst memory.
Will you take a check? Of course.
Can I ask you something? I can't ask my friends.
It's too embarrassing.
My husband says that my right breast is bigger than my left breast.
- What do you think? - Yes, yes, it is.
Yes, it is.
I damn.
I had this online deal for breast implantation.
And I guess it didn't work out.
Oh, damn.
If you wouldn't have asked me, I mean, I wouldn't have noticed.
- Really? - I wouldn't have thought to notice something like that.
- Well, he notices.
- 'Cause he's your man, you know? I really got messed up, didn't I? - Probably a little bit.
- Look at that.
Never buy anything with a coupon.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I feel so bad.
Excuse me, ladies.
We're trying to find the Rose Garden.
Could you help us for just a moment? - We're tourists, too.
- Oh, are you really? Oh, but it doesn't matter.
You know what? Let's have a little blessing and maybe we'll all find it.
Let's face the ocean.
Would you join us for just a moment, dear? Thank you so much.
All right.
Let's just know we can find our place.
Here's Oh, yes.
Let's just take hands.
- It's very nice.
- Hear it? Oh, I hear the celestial horns of heaven.
You know, I'm famished.
Oh.
Another chili dog, sister? Yes.
Yes.
This time with more beans.
All right, whatever you want.
I've seen better runs on my grandmother's pantyhose.
You should be walking, not talking.
Hey, would you do a couple of miles for me? You jog like my mother.
Thank you.
She's been dead 20 years.
Pick up the pace! Pick up the pace! - Hello, gentlemen.
- Maybe I have.
Hello.
How are you? Oh, I'm good.
I I'm from the sorority Omega Lambda Delta.
- All right.
- She is, too.
And we're having this great big party.
We'd like for you to come.
Would you? Would you like to come? You're having it where? A big party at our sorority house.
I mean, we have kegs of beer.
We have a tight deejay.
We have experienced women.
You know, I was a gymnast.
I was a gymnast.
And all I can tell you is body shot.
Right? No, seriously.
- When is this party? - Tonight.
Come on.
We'll see you there, right? - Maybe.
We'll try.
- Think about it.
- Promise? - Think about it.
Okay.
Who's still in? Too rich for my blood.
Too much to risk.
Father Gary? I call.
Three 7s.
Four Jacks.
Read 'em and weep.
Oh, father, forgive me.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Here.
Here.
Here.
Would you take our picture? You can take our picture? Yeah.
Thank you.
- Thank you, thank you.
- This is nice.
Yes, I think, right here.
- Get in position.
- Stand up straight.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
On 3.
1, 2 Okay.
Whoo! Nailed it.
No! Ooh! Ahh.
Hi, there, and welcome to the show.
Hi, Nicole.
Hi.
Mmm.
My BFF and favorite designer Nicole Richie is here to show me the red carpet dress she designed for me to wear to the video music awards.
I told her I wanted a dress to make some noise, this dress is totally delish.
I can't wait for you to try it on.
Me, either.
So, are you gonna go try it on? You haven't given it to me yet.
Oh, I sent it over last week.
It was a dress made completely out of lifesavers.
Oh.
- That was a dress? - Yeah.
Oh, you didn't try it on? Well, I certainly tried it, and you're right.
It was delish.
Uh, uh, hmm? Oh, excuse me.
Do you mind if I sit next to you? Oh, not at all.
I'm sorry.
Thank you so much.
Are you traveling today? I'm not traveling today.
Oh, my.
Where are you traveling? I'm going to Chicago.
- By train? Really? - Yeah.
That should take some time.
I think they said three, four hours, something like that.
It'll be a nice long trip.
- Did you say three or four? - Mm-hmm.
To Chicago? I think that's what they said.
- From here? No, no, no, no.
- No? How long? Chicago's probably somewhere closer to about 12 to 14 hours.
Oh.
Maybe they said 13 or 14.
Oh, my.
Okay, well I would double check before you get on the train.
Okay.
Could, um I have D.
C.
police, please? Yes, I'm at the train station, and I'm sitting next to this young guy.
And he's trying to confuse me about my trip, and I'm really concerned.
Yeah, could you send a police officer over here? Yeah, I think he's trying to plot against me.
He's got on a blue sweater, and he's staring at you know, I'm walking away right now.
Yeah, I'm really afraid.
Oh, he's standing up.
Please hurry.
Please.
Excuse me.
We're doing a scavenger hunt.
Could you help us out? You're perfect.
_ Oh, doesn't matter.
You're perfect.
We need a guy with no shirt on to turn towards the ocean, hold their arms up, and yell out, "I love Justin Bieber!" Five times.
- Five times? - Five times.
She's gonna take a video of it.
All right.
That's amazing.
- Okay.
- Okay why not? Right here.
Right here's fine.
- Hands straight up.
- Like this? Okay.
Are you filming? - Got it? Okay.
Go! - Yeah.
Yeah.
I love Justin Bieber! Sucker! Go! Keep going! So, Betty, we are just about ready to launch your new celebrity fragrance.
Oh, that's just heavenly.
We're still working on the bottle design, but we're so happy you've chosen a name, Eau de White simple, classic, elegant.
E eau de White? When did I choose that? Yesterday on the phone? Oh, honey.
You called when I was in the middle of something, and I was saying, "ohh, Dwight.
" C c can you help me one second? I just need to get to that other concrete, 'cause the batteries on the thank you, son.
I really appreciate it.
Just over there.
That would be perfect.
We're almost there.
Uh, the wheels won't slip right there.
So that'll be perfect.
Oh, I really appreciate this.
Okay.
Thank you.
You smell good.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Sucker! Whee! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Oh.
I am so excited.
One of my dearest friends has asked me to be a bridesmaid.
You know the best thing about being a bridesmaid you get to hook up with the groom.
That's the groomsmen, Betty.
The bridesmaid hooks up with the groomsmen, not the groom.
No wonder I have to keep finding new best friends.
Uh, can I get your advice about something? Yes, sir.
Yeah, well, my wife and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight.
Congratulations.
Well, thank you.
Yeah, so, we got a room in this hotel.
And she's up there.
I want to make tonight really special, okay? So, can you give me your feedback on which one of these nighties you think she would like better? Which one do you like better? That's the question.
- You'd go with the pink? - I'd go with the pink.
Okay.
Then that's the one I'm gonna wear.
Thanks a lot, guys.
Excuse me.
Do you text? - I forgot my glasses.
- Yes, I can text.
Oh, wonderful.
Thank you so much.
I have to send a text to my sister.
- Yes.
What is it? - Okay.
Sue, I saw your husband last night.
"I saw your husband last night.
" Remember that thing he said he hated to do in bed? - "In bed?" - In bed, question mark.
He lied.
And hit send for me, please.
Sure thing.
And to make sure it's correct.
"Sue, I saw your husband last night.
Remember that thing he said he hated to do in bed? He lied.
" That's perfect.
- Send.
You sent it? - Yep.
Wonderful.
Payback's a bitch! - Yes.
- Thank you.
Thank you! How's everyone doing here today? How are you all? You're gonna have a lot of fun.
You're about to see "The Bourne Legacy.
" It runs about 89 minutes, and it's got a new actor playing the role of Matt Damon, who left.
Yeah.
Very much like my wife left me for a tennis player.
Can you believe it? Just left me and went down to Costa Rica.
This movie's full of action.
Well, let me tell you, they're having a lot of action down there, plenty of action.
Anyway, everyone, really enjoy the movie.
Have a good time.
Yes.
Dance time.
Nicole? I need your professional opinion.
I just threw this together.
How does it look? Oh, that outfit is everything.
Yes, everything.
But No, I meant, that's everything.
Like, that's tight.
Well, if it's too tight, why didn't you just say so? Let me put it to you in a way that you can understand.
This outfit is the cat's pajamas.
Oh.
Why didn't you just say I look mad dope? Your tea, sir, Earl Grey, piping hot, just as you like it.
I buttle for this whole area.
If you sit in this area, I'm your man.
If there's anything you need just ring me.
Anything you want.
I'll be right over here.
- Sir? - Yes, uh _ - It's tea time, sir.
- Oh.
In fact, it should be time for your bath if you're ready.
I can draw your bath.
My ba - Hi.
I'm getting married.
- Love your headpiece.
- You are? Oh, my - Yes! - Whoo! - Yeah! Amazing! Thank you.
Listen, I need you to do something.
What? What are we doing? Well, I'm on a bachelorette scavenger hunt.
They gave me a party today.
So I need you to do a little task for me.
I need you to bite off one of these suckers and then sign your name.
- Would you do that? - Yeah.
Hell, yeah.
Oh, you're the best.
Which one do you want? Um, I'll go with the green one.
Okay.
Go for it.
Aah! That's beautiful.
Yes! Yes! Oh, God, don't get the pin.
Okay.
There you go.
Beautiful.
Ohh, yeah.
Aah! Beautiful.
Oh, wow! Yeah.
Bite.
- How do I - Go, baby.
Whoo! I'm gonna plant a big one on him for you, baby.
Thank you so much! A large black red-eye for Tess? Tess Tickle [Testicle.]
? Tess Tickle? A large latte for Buster? Buster Cherry [Bust her cherry.]
? Buster Cherry? A mocha frappuccino for Jacques? Jacques Strap [Jock strap.]
? Is there a Jacques here? A Jacques Strap? Anybody at all? Who ordered this stuff? Go ahead.
Do it.
My arms are getting tired.
Help me out.
Help me out.
Back to me.
Come on.
80, 81, 82.
Pass it to that guy now.
Hey, no beach balls allowed here.
Boo! What a what a jerk! Oh, Richard, it's just wonderful that you're here.
I love reminiscing about our old pranks.
Me too, Betty.
You remember the time we filled Lou's car with ping-pong balls? You know, I don't recall that one, Betty.
How about the time we rigged the door with the bucket of water to fall on Ann? I don't remember that one, either.
How about the time you bet me $1,000 that I'd retire from show business by the time I turned 80? I don't remember that.
Richard, you have the worst memory.
Will you take a check? Of course.
Can I ask you something? I can't ask my friends.
It's too embarrassing.
My husband says that my right breast is bigger than my left breast.
- What do you think? - Yes, yes, it is.
Yes, it is.
I damn.
I had this online deal for breast implantation.
And I guess it didn't work out.
Oh, damn.
If you wouldn't have asked me, I mean, I wouldn't have noticed.
- Really? - I wouldn't have thought to notice something like that.
- Well, he notices.
- 'Cause he's your man, you know? I really got messed up, didn't I? - Probably a little bit.
- Look at that.
Never buy anything with a coupon.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I feel so bad.
Excuse me, ladies.
We're trying to find the Rose Garden.
Could you help us for just a moment? - We're tourists, too.
- Oh, are you really? Oh, but it doesn't matter.
You know what? Let's have a little blessing and maybe we'll all find it.
Let's face the ocean.
Would you join us for just a moment, dear? Thank you so much.
All right.
Let's just know we can find our place.
Here's Oh, yes.
Let's just take hands.
- It's very nice.
- Hear it? Oh, I hear the celestial horns of heaven.
You know, I'm famished.
Oh.
Another chili dog, sister? Yes.
Yes.
This time with more beans.
All right, whatever you want.
I've seen better runs on my grandmother's pantyhose.
You should be walking, not talking.
Hey, would you do a couple of miles for me? You jog like my mother.
Thank you.
She's been dead 20 years.
Pick up the pace! Pick up the pace! - Hello, gentlemen.
- Maybe I have.
Hello.
How are you? Oh, I'm good.
I I'm from the sorority Omega Lambda Delta.
- All right.
- She is, too.
And we're having this great big party.
We'd like for you to come.
Would you? Would you like to come? You're having it where? A big party at our sorority house.
I mean, we have kegs of beer.
We have a tight deejay.
We have experienced women.
You know, I was a gymnast.
I was a gymnast.
And all I can tell you is body shot.
Right? No, seriously.
- When is this party? - Tonight.
Come on.
We'll see you there, right? - Maybe.
We'll try.
- Think about it.
- Promise? - Think about it.
Okay.
Who's still in? Too rich for my blood.
Too much to risk.
Father Gary? I call.
Three 7s.
Four Jacks.
Read 'em and weep.
Oh, father, forgive me.