Big Boys (2022) s02e06 Episode Script

1
It's the first time Shannon's
ever been early for summat.
Apart from when they opened
TGI Fridays in Watford.
She camped out overnight.
Ooh, their Jack Daniel's sauce.
It's like crack cocaine.
[THEY LAUGH]
I feel like I'm
in the Spice World movie!
You know, when they're rushing
to see their mate give birth,
but they've also got
a gig at the Albert Hall,
and Meatloaf's gone AWOL,
having a shit.
It's my favourite piece of cinema.
Mate, I'm, like, thrilled you
introduced me to that, seriously.
Like, Victoria is, like,
really good in it.
You two are so gay.
PANTING: OK
[THEY ALL WHEEZE]
Don't worry.
She's in the best hands.
I know.
I just
I hate this place.
JACK: When my dad went into a
hospice, we all drove him in.
It was the only bit of the hospital
with free parking.
He was on so much morphine,
only now and then would we get
glimmers of clarity.
I ain't dying in this shithole, OK?
He promised that night he would
drive us home in the cab,
unable to quantify he might not.
I'm gonna take us home, son.
I promise.
I promise.
Hey, listen, love
I want to talk about your future.
Let's not, Laurie.
I
don't always feel I have one.
We've got to sort the will
and the house and
funeral plans.
If you meet another bloke Oh
No, no. Sh.
I won't mind. Laurie!
And I just
Make sure he's a good 'un, yeah?
Cos if there is a heaven
I'm cracking right on
with Princess Di.
She wouldn't touch you
with a bargepole. Oh, yeah?
Well, I thought I might have
a chance with Toyah Willcox, then.
I'm really sorry, Laurie.
She's still alive.
Is she?
Oh, that's a shame.
Come here.
Listen
don't worry about the funeral, cos
How many partygoers, or guests,
are we expecting?
I don't know, Shan.
I ain't planning on being there.
Well, will Alan and Shane be there?
Oh, God, I hope not,
cos Shane's now voting BNP.
BOTH: And Alan's a love rat.
Yeah, yeah.
But, you know, even dickheads
want to say their goodbyes.
How are you doing, love?
This is actually quite stressful.
LOUDLY: Hello, Nan.
I'm Tariq. The father.
Please don't talk to me like that.
I'm very glad to be here!
That's not good! No!
Hello, hello! I am Kerry.
And I am Bernie.
Hello, I'm Shannon.
Where's the midwife I know?
Well, you are two weeks early,
and Fatima, she's at her sister's
divorce buffet,
so you are just going to have
to settle for us.
Uh-oh.
A male fucking midwife.
What fucking next?
But, look, we are very excited, cos
this is Ker's first birth here.
Very first.
But don't worry, you know,
luck of the Irish and all that shit.
But I don't know any Irish people.
Your name is Irish.
What? I thought it was Greek.
It's Greek!
You're joking!
We literally have an airport
named after you, you mad thing.
I fucking love Shannon Airport.
First-ever duty free!
Here, smell me.
[BERNIE SNIFFS]
Oh, God. What's that.
Fantasy, Britney Spears. 19 euro.
Can ICan I smell it?
Get that nose in there.
[SHANNON SNIFFS]
That is stunning.
Oh, shit.
The birthing bag's at mine.
Can you hang about for a bit?
I might have to get it.
Of course.
Oh, thanks, Russell.
Sorry.
Ah
Oh, hi!
He's just a minicab driver.
I've got a minicab here.
Oh.
Why didn't you give him any money, then?
All right, Jonathan Creek.
Come on, Shan needs us.
All right, T? All right?
Yeah. You OK? Yeah.
Um, so, Jack is quite drunk, so we
just need to sober him up a bit.
Oh, OK, love.
Can you get him some coke?
What?
Well, it always straightens me out.
Do you mean Coca-Cola?
Yes, love. OK.
That and a Wispa bar.
He'll be fine. Sure.
Hi. I'm Tariq, the father.
Hello.
Hi. I'm Tariq, the father.
[PHONE TRILLS]
Hi. I'm Tariq, the father.
What?
I thought I was the father.
Uh
I'm joking, mate. It's all right.
Good luck to you, pal.
Hi. I'm
Aw
Has that been washed?
Of course it's been washed.
Don't be daft.
I'm here, Shan. Oh.
Oh. You got the birthing bag?
Yeah. Popped in yours en route.
OK.
If there's anything you need.
Oh, I haven't managed to do
my EuroMillions tonight.
So, if you could - 2-4-6-8-10.
Lucky stars - 6 and 9.
Oh.
Ooh, sorry, lads, but there are
way too many people in here.
OK? So, the father can stay, and
WHISPERS: ..one more.
OK
Um
Just one more?
Cheeky bitch!
For six months, I've fed her,
scraped the hard skin off her feet,
prepped her. Tariq's in the room,
she barely knows him.
Of course she's going to want you
in there
Excuse me, nurse.
Where are the nearest bogs?
Oh. Follow me.
Ooh!
Grindr in hospitals always pops off!
Horny doctors on long shifts.
Overnight patients away
from their wives.
Yemi, you can't have sex
in a hospital.
I've been there, I've done that
and I kept the backless gown.
Jesus Christ.
Hospitals are boring places.
When people are bored,
they need to cum.
All right, come on, treacle.
Let's get you some munch.
Are you OK?
Remember, the last time we were
here was for
Oh, yeah. No. I'm OK.
Are YOU OK?
The pill hit me very hard. Yeah.
And right now, I just really
want to get some
Cockney mothers,
they are my favourite.
Makes me feel like I am
in Call the Midwife!
Sorry, can I just say, you look
absolutely gorgeous tonight.
Do I? Yeah.
I think it's that
medicated shampoo you're using.
It's really
cleared up your scalp a treat.
I mean, I have to say
Hmm?
I have dreamt of having a baby
with you.
Well, most people have, Ker.
[THEY LAUGH]
OK, look, I have to ask you -
are you a four finger or two?
Depends on how dilated she is.
Oh, I meant in a Kit-Kat.
Hey-oh!
You make me laugh, Ber!
Hey, Dad.
Are you all right, mate?
Yeah.
I think I might need
a tactical chunder.
OK. Well
Oi, Pegs, your minicab driver's
still outside, you know.
Shit!
I forgot.
Call me if anything happens, yeah?
All right, I reckon we can
leave now.
Oh, give over.
Come on, this is fun.
Oh Look at us.
We're like the three wise men when
Jesus was being born. You know?
I'm bringing
Smints.
Here, Shannon. Yeah?
Shall I play some tunes?
Oh, that's a great idea.
It'll help you relax.
OK.
Um, how about
Lynyrd Skynyrd - Free Bird.
But the full 16-minute Lyve from
Steel Town, Pennsylvania version.
OK. Well, that is drastically going
to push event timings over.
I don't care. You're just going
to have to sit through it all.
God. Right, OK.
What about an intro track, then?
Perfect 10 - Beautiful South.
For my Pegs.
I don't know that one.
Yeah, you do.
No, I don't. You do.
I don't!
Oh Eh?
[LAURIE GROANS]
WEAKLY: # Cos we love our love
In different sizes
I love her body
Especially the lies ♪
Argh!
You bitch!
Oh, Nan, it hurts.
Let it pass.
Breathe Oh, oh, oh!
We could play Breathe!
By Sean Paul,
featuring Blu Cantrell.
Uh, Breathe is BY Blu Cantrell,
feat Sean Paul.
Please do not erase women when
I'm having our baby, Tariq.
Fuck's sake!
MUSIC: Hope There's Someone by
Antony and the Johnsons and ANOHNI
[LAURIE BREATHES HEAVILY]
You all right, lad?
Eh? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm OK.
Yeah? Yeah.
Come here.
The first Christmas after
my old man died,
I was 21.
I got wankered down the pub.
[LAURIE LAUGHS]
I come home on Christmas Day
in a wheelbarrow.
And at the dinner table,
I looked opposite
and there was just this empty plate.
And I was so angry.
But then, as time went on,
you know
grief shifts.
I mean, it don't it don't get any
easier, but
people opposite you
start to have baby teeth.
Or false ones.
Soon enough, you don't just see
the empty plate
but all the full ones.
WHISPERS: I promise you that.
OK?
Hey.
I promise.
Now, you just got to make sure your
mum don't run off with some nutter.
Dad.
You can't say nutter.
It's offensive.
What, you think I give a shit?
[THEY LAUGH]
[LAURIE COUGHS]
I'm so sorry about tonight.
No, it's fine. It's just nice to
get out of the house, you know?
I had a really nice time, though.
Same.
We'll do it again, yeah?
Yeah, I'd like that.
Bye.
[MESSAGE SENT ALERTS]
I can't wait for you to have kids.
They're going to be like proper
lads as well, I reckon,
with English accents!
And they'll all just, like,
love Jeremy Clarkson
just to piss you off.
Danny, will you shut up?
All right. Sorry.
Just trying to make convo.
Sorry. I
I need some air.
They say laughter can speed up
a labour.
So, put your hands together
for County Dublin's
very own Kerry McFall!
Hello, everyone!
Is this thing on?
[MIDWIVES LAUGH]
OK, so, what should a joke
have in common with a pregnancy?
I don't know.
A good delivery.
I'm a delivery driver,
so I can really
Sh! Tariq!
Kerry is performing.
What do you call it
when you can't find someone
to help you through your pregnancy?
BOTH: A midwife crisis!
Not you.
Oh, God. Sorry. Just me.
Christ, I need a fag.
Here, let's let's leave that.
Oh!
Why is this taking so long?
When I was a delivery boy at the
Raj Tandoori, we'd get pregnant
white women ordering vindaloos
they couldn't handle.
I don't eat spicy food.
Dermatologist on This Morning
warned against it.
NAN: Spicy pork?
ECHOING: Spicy pork! Spicy pork!
[VOICES DISTORT]
Spicy pork!
That amount of spicy pork
can't be good for a baby.
Get me five black
Peperami Firesticks right now!
[SHANNON'S SCREAM ECHOES]
You don't have a ciggy
I could pinch, do you?
Oh. Yes
Thanks.
Uh, how is how's Shannon getting
on?
Dragging it out, as always.
Months I've been worried she ain't
ready to have a baby.
And, trust me, if you ain't ready,
then having a baby's a fucking
stupid thing to do.
Yeah.
Then, at the same time, you never
know if you're ready.
But tonight
I think she is.
I'm not fucking ready!
Well, your baby is!
My nan's having a fag
and Tariq's getting spicy pork!
We're going to start pushing
now, Shannon.
Check they aren't out there, then!
Look, love, I
I really ain't
going to be there for it.
I know.
I just, you know, I want to make
Sh
It's OK.
Listen, you don't need me.
I do.
No, you don't need me.
Cos you're a go-getter, girl.
So you go and get them, all right?
You're beautiful.
Oh
OK, so
what would you prefer,
goujons or nuggets?
[SHE STRAINS]
Where are you going?
Where is my nan?
I'm sorry, she's not here!
Pepperami!
Pepperami?
Come on, baby girl!
Are you talking to me or the baby?!
[MIDWIVES LAUGH]
Ow! Fucking hell!
Excuse me, mister.
What's your spiciest Peperami?
For so long, I was gutted that
my dad died here
on the side of an A-road,
like a pheasant or something.
That he never got back home.
You OK, love?
I'm still sad we
weren't here the night he went.
I know.
But Nan was.
Here.
When you have kids, your
worst nightmare is to lose them.
And that night, she
needed to cuddle her little boy.
And even when she's
being a right mare, your nan,
I never begrudge her that.
So it's quite right, really,
that she's with Shan
and I've got you.
I think this will be good.
You know, like a new chapter.
Although, my babe,
I do have something to tell you.
Is it the minicab driver?
What?
Mum, we share an iCal.
What's a fucking iCal?
When me and Shannon got
you an iPhone for Christmas,
she synced up all our phones
so I can see when her scans were
and I saw a hot date with Russell
in our shared calendar.
I hate having a smartphone.
I feel like a
fucking phone hacking victim.
Mum, I'm happy if you're happy.
As long as he's not a nonce.
Oh, I hope not. Yeah.
He is a minicab driver.
You never know.
[PHONE BUZZES]
Shan's having the baby.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my God!
You just go to sleep, my love.
Go to sleep.
In the dream
I am carried
By sun rays through the dark
Humble as a hope
I bow to thee. ♪
Has the baby come out yet?
Uh, yeah. You came out to your mum
last year, didn't you? Oh.
VOICE-OVER: And after I start
worrying all year
about looking after you,
it was you that night who'd
been looking after all of us.
[MOANING,] [BANGS]
He is horrendous.
Come on.
Peperami!
Oh, my God.
There you go.
Ooh!
I love you, kid.
I love you, Nanny Bingo.
Shan!
You did it!
Thanks, Danny.
I've just had a baby.
Yeah. I know, I was there.
With my ASOS delivery man.
Now I've got all my family
around me.
Do you want to hold, Corinne,
after Tariq?
Might be you one day.
I'm cool.
Yeah. No, I'm good.
Um, right, I'm going
to leave you guys to it.
Corinne, will you just tell me
if something's up?
You've been weird all night.
I just, um
I don't, uh
What? Like
I just Danny, I find all
of this just a little bit sad.
You know, and it just reminds me
that I, um
My, um
My, um
My birth mum didn't want me.
And that is fine
I had Like, I had no idea.
No, it's fine.
It is fine because, you know,
it was her right
and it was her choice
and I completely respect that.
But, you know, my, um,
my birth doesn't have a story.
And, um
If I think about her too much
and, like, what
it was like to give me up
then I just feel a little bit
on my own.
Oh, mate, OK, listen.
So I've learned this year
that family,
like, it eventually just becomes
the people that you choose
and who choose you back.
That's it.
Yeah.
And, like, Jack and Yemi
and even Peggy,
like, they've become mine.
Well, I will always choose you,
Danny King.
And I'll always choose you,
soppy girl.
Mmm, salty!
So, Shan, any names?
Well, if the baby had been a boy,
I was going to call him Lawrence.
However, she my little baby girl.
Yes, you are!
So instead, right,
I'm going to call her Lawrensienna.
So it's kind of got Lawrence
in it, type thing.
Tariq, what's your surname?
Milla.
Ooh.
Lawrensienna Milla.
Lawrensienna Milla Papadopoulou,
thank you, Peggy.
I gave birth to her.
This baby is going to be bullied.
And it was in this room that, for
the first time since my dad died,
everything just felt right.
Like everyone
belonged with each other.
And, yeah, the whole room stank
of shit because the baby actually
came out on a
wave of Shannon's turds,
but in this very moment, it felt
like the joy of loving someone new
felt bigger than
the pain of missing someone gone.
MUSIC: Seasons (Waiting on You)
By Future Islands
Seasons change
And I've tried
hard just to soften you
Well, seasons change
But I've grown tired trying
to change for you
Cos I've been waiting on you
I've been waiting on you ♪
Let's go home.
Let's go home.
Cos I've been waiting on you
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
I've been waiting on you
As it breaks
The summer will wake ♪