Bizaardvark (2016) s02e06 Episode Script

1 Hey, guys! I'm Paige! I'm Frankie, and we're Bizaardvark.
- Remember when you were a baby? - The answer is no, because the human brain does not make memories until you're three.
I think my first memory was when I was in preschool.
- Me, too.
- Yeah, I think I was taking a nap, and I had this awesome purple pillow that I absolutely loved.
I remember a milestone for me was making my first best friend.
- Yeah.
- Aww.
It wasn't you.
I didn't know her.
Back then.
Didn't know you back then.
- Still hurts, though.
- Okay.
Well Here's our latest video, "The Worst Lullaby Ever.
" - Mommy - Time for bed, little baby.
(baby noises) I've never sung a lullaby before, so I hope this goes well.
(guitar playing) Now it's time to go to sleep You've had a busy day Let your eyelids slowly close Your cares will drift away You're snuggled in your blankie And pillow made of down Hop aboard that sleepy train Express to night-night town Kick it! Maybe you'll have sweet dreams Where you're dancin' on a cloud Listen to my calmin' voice I'll try not to sing too loud Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the Main Street Gospel Choir! - Go to sleep - Go to sleep - Count some sheep - Count some sheep One sheep, two sheep Three sheep It's a whole barn of sheep, child - Count 'em - Ooh - Count 'em - Ooh - Count 'em - Ooh - Count 'em - Ooh Sheep sheep sheep sheep (drumming) Oh, come on! Sleep, sleep Go to sleep, go to sleep Go to sleep Close your eyes and drift off into dream land - Don't let anything keep you awake - Sweet dreams Focus on soothing sounds (cymbals crash) Go To Sleep (banging gong) (booming noises) ms, little girl.
Okay, guys, same time tomorrow.
Both: You could spend all day On a swing eating a baguette But why do boring things like that When there's the Internet? Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! - Let's go make some videos - Hey! You could watch Dirk doing crazy dares - Saying, "Here we go" - Here we go! He'll do anything you want Just don't try this at home Or watch Amelia teaching ya How to look your best Making over people is her never-ending quest You could watch Do you have constant foot odor? You could watch us make ridiculously funny videos Like the one with evil pop-up books That punch you in the nose Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! Let's go make some videos And I I missed it.
Hey, Sierra High! I seem to have lost my watch.
What time is it? Students: Pep rally time! Whooo! I was gonna say "too early for this.
" Amen, sister.
Now let's amp up that school spirit by bringing out the Sierra High Hawwwwk! (cheering and applause) (owl hooting) Hey, isn't that an owl? I don't know, let me check.
Hey! Isn't that an owl? - Yes, technically.
- Yes, technically.
We came up with the mascot before we knew how tough it was to actually get a hawk.
But, we named this owl "Hawk.
" So it still works.
Go Hawks! Hawk! Go Hawk! Saved it! Do the wave! (cheering) I don't like how Hawk's in a cage.
I don't like where this is going.
You know, I've always passionately believed Paige/Frankie: Whoaaah! That animals deserve to be free.
- We are not okay with this? - No.
- Right? - No, no, no, don't rope me into this.
- I - Paige/Frankie: Whooooa! I'm completely fine with it.
That owl has a great life.
People cheer for it just for existing.
I agree we need to do something.
All-school flash mob! (cheering) Again, there is no "we.
" And whatever plan you're hatching, I'm sure it's Paige/Frankie: Caw! Caw! Caw! Caw! Totally dumb! Paige/Frankie: Caw! Caw! Caw! Caw! Get excited, Ameliacs, because Alisha Marie and I are workin' on the DIY collab of the century! We don't wanna give away too much, but I've got two words: aloe, vera.
I know your "Aloe Vera Cures Everything" video has 20 million views, but this project doesn't involve aloe vera.
But it could.
Quick announcement, Dareheads.
I'm takin' the week off from dares to babysit my buddy's little brother while he's out of town.
I'm gonna nurture this kid so hard, by the time I'm done with him, he's gonna be a delightful young man! I worship the ground you walk on.
What was that? I said, uh, it's time for lunch.
Surprising life hack: A fun way to add texture to any sandwich is by adding aloe vera.
Okay, I find that hard to believe.
Oh, my gosh! This is how I eat now! Where's DareMeBro? Hey, you must be Patrick.
And I'm Bernie.
I know we're gonna get along great because kids, like all people, love me.
(groans) Everybody hates me! Oh, noooo! Okay, so remember how you said the owl looked sad? Nooo And remember how you said if we stand for nothing, we are nothing, so why not stand up for animal rights? Nooo! It's Hawk the owl! I see that.
Why is it in my room? So we can liberate it together! Like we talked about, remember? First of all, there is no "we.
" What's second of all? There is no "we"! L I don't want any part of this, and I definitely don't want that thing in my room.
Thing? Him? Her? I'm not checkin'.
Whoo! Yeah! Gotcha! Game's over, tough guy, you're not escapin' these claws.
Aaah-haha, that was all bone! Ooh, lemme take a look at that.
Dude, do you shave your legs? It's a wrestling thing.
(girls screaming) Don't move! We caught this little monster trying to destroy the amazing DIY project that we've been working on for over a month.
It's a shower chandelier.
It hangs over your shower and can dispense shampoo, conditioner, and body wash.
Elegant and practical.
Nice! You can also put aloe vera in it.
What is your deal? Must break! Must break! We have to post this video by tomorrow, and without that shower chandelier, we've got nothing.
If he breaks it, we break you guys! Hot.
I mean No, that's hot.
Lemme go, I have to break stuff! How are you so strong? That's it! I'm callin' your brother to come back and take you home.
I can't let you do that.
All right.
It's time I share some intel with you.
And I'm only telling you this because you look like two smart guys.
- That is true.
- I wasn't paying attention.
I'm not a regular eight-year-old.
I'm an undercover agent in the CIA.
That's ridiculous! You're a little kid who likes to destroy stuff.
That's just my cover.
That shower chandelier is a threat to our national security.
What? Think about it.
If our enemies got ahold of something like that, they could use the soap dispensers as condiment dispensers during wartime.
While our soldiers are squeezing little ketchup and mustard packets onto their hot dogs, our enemies are done with lunch and ready to attack! What? So what do you say? Will you guys help me destroy that shower chandelier and save your country? Patrick, would you give us a minute? Okay, we've got an eight-year-old telling us he's a CIA agent who needs our help to destroy a shower chandelier for national security reasons.
Do we believe him? - I absolutely do.
- Me, too.
We will help you defend our nation! Excellent! Now, will someone take me to the bathroom? I'm not allowed to go tinkle by myself.
(sigh) Been there.
(majestic music playing) All right, you beautiful creature.
The moment has come to set you free.
Soar! Explore! Live! - W W W Wait! Paige, wait! - (music turned off) What are you doin'? The music was swellin', man! Birds living in captivity have a hard time surviving in the wild.
You can't free Hawk the owl because he doesn't know how to fend for himself.
Oh.
Oh, no.
I just wanna point out this is the one time I didn't get us into trouble.
This is awful! What do we do with the owl? It's okay.
Just be calm, okay? Obviously the first thing we do is stop saying "we"! - You gotta take him back! - Hey! Hawk's not a pair of cargo pants, I can't just return him.
Ugh.
Living in a cage forever must be miserable.
(gasp) You don't think returned pants feel miserable, do you? No, that's dumb.
Well, then what's your plan? I don't know, this is my first owl.
But I guess for now Hawk is our responsibility, and he must be hungry.
We have to feed him.
(mice squeaking) He eats mice? Do you not know anything about owls? What if we give him the option of a nice kale salad? He could be a vegan and not even realize it.
Paige, there's no such thing as a vegan owl.
Hey! That's a micro aggression! I think.
Whatever.
Why don't we let Hawk decide what he wants to eat? Hoo.
Did the mice run away while we were out of the room? Yes, Paige.
That's exactly what happened.
(screams) I can't believe someone dared you to give us a year's supply of nail polish! You know, a fun substitute for nail polish is aloe vera.
Is someone sponsoring you? And how can I get in on it? (giggles) Bad news, ladies.
There is no nail polish.
What? You can't leave this room.
Patrick works for the CIA and must destroy your shower chandelier as a matter of national security.
What? Bernie's not explaining it right.
It involves hot dogs.
Did you ever think that the little brat is just playing you because he likes destroyin' stuff? The door's locked! That kid locked us in here! You guys are idiots.
Amelia, would you give us a minute? Okay Amelia is saying that we're idiots.
Do we believe her? - I absolutely do.
- Me, too.
I've been wanting to free Hawk the owl for years.
But finally, some brave, anonymous hero had the guts to step up and do the right thing.
It was Paige! (cheers and applause) All chanting: Paige! Paige! Paige! Paige! Paige! Paige! Paige! Paige! Paige! Paige! Both: Paige! Paige! Paige, wake up! You were having a hero dream, weren't you? Yeah.
You know it's not gonna be like that, right? Yeah.
Hawk is out there somewhere.
We need to find him.
You, search the gym.
You, search the cafeteria.
You You're fired.
I know this is an awkward time to tell you, but we both knew it was coming.
Principal Karen? You wanted to see us? Yes.
Our majestic friend, Hawk the owl, has been stolen! (gasp) (gasp) I need you girls to keep an ear to the ground in case you hear anything.
What's with the phones? Well, I've set up an owl hotline center, where anyone can call in with tips on Hawk's whereabouts.
(phone rings) Hawk hotline! Yes, my refrigerator's running, why? Oh, ha, ha, very funny.
Man, you are determined to find out who took Hawk.
Duh.
It is a federal crime to take an owl.
Whoa! Federal crime! Wow-wow-wow! (phone rings) Hawk hotline! No, I don't care what kind of bagel can fly! - (phone rings) - Hawk hotline! A plain bagel? (chuckles) Okay, that's actually not bad.
Hawk is in danger.
Only trained individuals with a license can possess an owl.
I am one of those individuals.
That's pretty cool, right? Both: Uhhh (phone buzzes) Ooh.
Animal Control says Hawk has a GPS tracker on him.
I just have to download this app to find his location.
- We gotta go move Hawk.
- Totally.
We gotta run, PK.
Good luck on your search.
Check Bernie's locker! He's destroying your studio.
Why hasn't he gone for the shower chandelier yet? Because he's good.
He's been one step ahead of us from the get-go.
He's playin' chess, we're playin' checkers.
I hid it in the lounge.
Another interesting theory.
He's in the lounge! Oh, no, no, no.
How are we gonna get outta here? Did someone say aloe vera? Quick! Gimme a shoelace! I haven't learned how to tie my I mean, uh, I prefer Velcro.
I got one! Now stand back and witness the power of nature's miracle goo! If this doesn't work, I've got the key.
Always have a plan B, Bern Man.
Where are we going? Aww do you hear that, Hawk? She said "we.
" We just gotta keep movin' before Principal Karen tracks us.
- (knocking on door) - Girls? Are you in there? It's Principal Karen! We need to talk! (knocking on window) Hello in there! Helloooo! It's not gonna end like this, Hawk! It's probably gonna end like this, Hawk! Okay, I'll take Hawk upstairs.
Get rid of her as fast as you can.
(knocking on window) - Hellooo? - Hi.
Principal Karen! What are you doing here? So, I'm waiting for the owl tracking app to download, and then I'm like, duh, the best way to find Hawk is to post a missing owl video up on our channel.
- Our channel? - Bizaardvark's channel.
Oh, our channel.
Yeah, that's what I said.
Uh, w well, you can't make a video without Paige, who is definitely not here, - so - You're right, Paige is the funny one.
Excuse me? In the meantime, I'll just wait for this owl tracking app to finish downloading.
What's your Wi-Fi password? Is it "password"? - No! - "Password 1"? Yeah.
Great.
It downloaded! Victory selfie! (click) - (beeping) - Oh! He's close! As a licensed owl handler, I know how to call him Hawk? Hawk, are you here? Hawk! Yeah, I got it! Unhand that chandelier, you little brat! No, give it to me! - It's Amelia's, not yours! - It's not yours, it's mine! Give it I guess you don't love your country anymore, huh? You're not fooling anyone, kid, give it a rest.
Don't listen to her, soldier.
Hand me that chandelier.
No, give us the chandelier.
It's a threat to our nation.
It's a fun shampoo holder.
Millions of lives are at stake! It's a plastic thingy with flowery body wash.
Come on! Patrick! He's a good kid! Principal Karen: Frankie! I got a signal! It's close by! Hawk! Hawk! All right, Hawk.
It's now or never.
(majestic music playing) You're gonna make it out there! I know you're not meant to live in the wild, but it's either this or the cage, and you've gotta take that chance.
And I, uh, packed you some kale in case you get hungry.
And don't let the other owls tell you that veganism is pretentious.
It's a life choice, and they can mind their own business.
Now go! Be free and live your best life! Freedom beckons! Ahhhhh, shoot.
- Hawk! - (gasp) Oh, my gosh! Where did it come from? Paige! What did you do? Principal Karen, uh, I can explain.
I know it was wrong to take Hawk, but this animal should not have to live its entire life locked in a prison.
He deserves to be free.
I agree.
That's why we need to get him back to the sanctuary right now.
Sanctuary? I thought Hawk lived in this cage at school.
Oh, no.
The school only brings Hawk out for pep rallies.
Then he goes right back to a hundred-acre nature sanctuary where he can roam free.
It's an incredible life.
In fact, this is the longest Hawk's ever been in his cage.
He's probably miserable.
We fed him a mouse.
But you two did commit a crime.
So your punishment is to take an owl safety seminar.
Oh.
That's not so bad.
It's six hours long, and I teach it mostly through dance.
Frankie/Paige: Ahhhh.
You'll also have to pay a steep fine, and serve community service.
Now, come on, Hawk.
Let's get you back to your treetop mansion.
Where the only limit you have is the sky.
Wow.
We should not have gotten involved.