Black Dynamite (2009) s02e06 Episode Script
'Mister Rogers' Revenge' or 'Please Don't You Be His Neighbor'
[Gavel bangs.]
We are here today to determine if, um, congress shall cut funding for the Pubic broadca what is this? "Public.
" Public broadcasting system, PBS, currently at $20 million a year.
- Okay, Rogers.
It's your floor.
- Senator Pastore, I'm the host - of a television program on PBS called - "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood.
" - Yes, we all are aware.
- Could I tell you the words of one of the songs on our program that I feel is very important? - Sure.
Why not? - It's you I like because your back is hairy like a bear.
It's you I like, not your fat booty bottom that barely fits the chair not your man boobs or your obviously fake hair.
I make no judgments about how ugly you are and tell you I like you just the way you are.
- Mister Rogers, I think - Wait, senator.
I haven't even gotten to your flaccid little ding-dong and your elephantitis of the nuts.
Or would you rather just give me my hush money now? [laughter.]
Looks like you just earned your $20 million.
[Cheers and applause.]
Mister Rogers, put it here, baby! Congratulations! All of us at PBS knew you could do it.
Oh, I'm just pleased for all the children we'll be able - to care for over the next few years.
- Yeah, yeah.
Don't worry, Rogers.
Trust me this $20 million is gonna last a long, long time.
[Cheers and laughter.]
Guess what, guys this $20 million didn't last long at all! Really? All I did was buy this opulent mansion, import this coke from Colombia, and throw a few parties with bitches - and money bonfires! - Whoo! Burnin' money! Yeah, and this is the cheapest luxury submarine they had! [laughs.]
Can't say the same for the hoes, though! - Quality hoes are expensive.
- Hey, what are we gonna tell - that guy Mister Rogers? - Oh, oh! I know! [Buzzing.]
[bleep.]
him, that's what! Hey, quit hogging the titty cocaine! [Laughs.]
# Dynamite! Dynamite! # [title music.]
He's Dynamite so Dynamite Ooohhh, ooohhh Ooohhh, aaahhh He's Dynamite Dy-no, Dy-no Ooohhh, ooohhh Ooohhhh Dynamite! Dynamite! Bullhorn: This week Cream Corn: Ooh, yeah, girl.
That's how I like it.
Rub a little harder, you'll get some milk.
Honey Bee: Cream Corn! [gasps.]
Bring your little ass over here and stop playing with yourself, you nasty ass! [Static.]
Bullhorn: Man, this antenna been a hemorrhoid in my ass nipples all day.
And this raggedy old mother[bleep.]
better not be shrinkin' my [bleep.]
with all these microwaves! Bullhorn, "Mister Rogers" is gonna start! We're gonna miss it! You don't know how to fix nothing.
Bullhorn: Bitch! I'm adjusting these rabbit ears as best as I'm able! But I don't know why the [bleep.]
we don't just break down - and get some goddamn cable! - All: Yay! Honey Bee: Bullhorn! Come here! Come here! Bullhorn: Orpheens, don't go no place.
Keep your ass sittin' tight.
Bullhorn will be back faster - than you can say, "dolemite"! - B.
D.
: Hey, y'all.
I know this is short notice, but I need your help to throw a surprise birthday party today.
- Cream Corn: A surprise party for me?! - Honey Bee: Shhh! - Shut shhh! - B.
D.
: For the orphans.
We never celebrate their birthdays anyway, mostly because there's 30 of them and I can't remember all those goddamn dates.
Besides, we don't know when half their birthdays are anyway.
So today is gonna be the day we celebrate all of them.
Honey Bee: Okay, look, I think that if you two go out Bullhorn, where you at? We said, "dolemite" like - 50 times already! - Bullhorn: Orpheen, you ain't sittin' where I told you to stay! Can't you see we tryin' to inconspicuously plan your - mother[bleep.]
birthda [groans.]
- Honey Bee: Defects! - Yeah, we're talkin' 'bout your birth defects! - But "defects" don't rhyme with Honey Bee: Hush, boy, and go sit your little smart ass down! [Sighs.]
B.
D.
: Okay.
So, we got to get this whorephanage ready for a surprise birthday party that these orphans - will be surprised by.
- Honey Bee: And how the hell we gonna do that? You see how nosy these little mother[bleep.]
are.
[kid screams.]
Cream Corn: Ooh, I know! We take the kids to see the "Mister Rogers" show.
They seem to love - that learning [bleep.]
- B.
D.
: Fine.
- Now what presents we got? - Honey Bee: Okay, look.
- I got this cute little my mommy doll from - Oh! Suey! B.
D.
: What are you thinking? If we give that mommy doll to the orphans, all it's gonna do is remind them that they ain't got no mommies, and it'll break - their little parentless hearts.
- Bullhorn: So we got to find new gifts at full price or on clearance that don't remind them orpheens that they ain't got no parents! Cream Corn: Okay, look I don't know 'bout y'all, but I'm - ready to come out of the closet.
- Honey Bee: Hmph.
It's about damn time.
Dynamite! Dynamite! [Soft piano music playing.]
[trolley dings.]
Look it's speedy deliveryman Mr.
McFeely.
What you got for us today, Mr.
McFeely? Hey, Mister Rogers! Today I got you this piano! A piano? Wow! Looks like that congress money is starting to pay off.
Boys and girls, let me show you how I hit the G-spot I mean, note.
You just press these keys, and each one makes - a different sound.
- Yay! Yay! B.
D.
: Now, this is an environment I can safely say the orphans will be safe in.
Now's our chance to slip out and get their presents.
Come on, y'all.
Honey Bee: Black Dynamite, are you sure you just want to - leave the orphans like this? - B.
D.
: Look 'em.
When's the last time you seen them this interested in some [Bleep.]
you were saying? Now, if there is a white man you can trust, it's a Mister Rogers white man.
[Soft piano music plays.]
[note plinks.]
Oh, wait.
This one sounds wrong.
A broken piano string.
See, neighbors? Life is full of problems, but you can fix them yourself by pretending that they're not problems.
Let's pretend this broken piano string is a magical gold wand that can make all your problems go away.
[Children cheer and laugh.]
B.
D.
: Okay, gang.
Let's not [bleep.]
this up, 'cause I don't want to be buyin' birthday presents for at least another year.
Cream Corn: Ooh, here's a cute goo-goo baby! - I love goo-goo babies! - B.
D.
: Shaa! We can't get them this baby doll 'cause babies come from mamas, and mamas is exactly what we don't want them thinking of.
Bullhorn: All right.
Surely we can't go wrong if we get these orpheens this stretch Armstrong! B.
D.
: Suey! I don't want them wrapping skrech arms around each other 'cause they'll just think of the hugs they no longer get from the parents they no longer have.
Honey Bee: Okay.
Ooh! How about this light-up - Simon Says memory game? - B.
D.
: Shaa! Honey Bee, the last thing we want them orphans to do is remember - [Bleep.]
like their parents.
- Cream Corn: Okay, here a totally innocent non-parental-reminding - Lionel Train set! - B.
D.
: [thud.]
I don't want - orphans putting the train in the tunnel! - Honey Bee: Trains in the tunnel? What does that have to do with orphans? B.
D.
: You know "put the train in the tunnel.
" It's a euphemism, like the train is the dick, - and it goes in the tunnel.
- Cream Corn: Well, then, - what's the tunnel my [bleep.]
? - B.
D.
: Okay, what we got left? Bullhorn: There ain't nothin' here I can find that ain't gonna remind these orpheens of parents and a happier time, except maybe - these toy guns, knives, and land mines! - B.
D.
: I don't know.
Maybe we should get' 'em nothin', 'cause that's the only thing I can think of that won't remind them of somethin'.
[Bell dings.]
We're back in five, Fred! Thanks for letting me know that, Abe.
- You're great with numbers.
- What? Oh, hi, there, public broadcasting friends.
I thought we were going to use some of that money from the government to get some new equipment around here.
Money? What money? Oh, that money is all gone.
- You see, your show just isn't profitable.
- Not to worry, though, Freddy baby! We got a whole stable of product-endorsement deals that'll shoot our budget sky-high! Well, I've got to say I've never been a fan of endorsing.
Hey, kids are gonna beg their parents for sugary bad [bleep.]
anyway, so they might as well get it from us! And we've got the shirt that promotes the soda! - Double pump! - We call it the "Obesi-tee"! Get it? Obese? Tee? T-Shirt? Y-You just had to be there.
And we've got snacktime covered! Oh, my, fellas.
That looks like cocaine.
- I'll call the police.
- Are you kidding me? With coke prices these days? This is pure refined sugar.
A survey we did said 100% of drug addicts used to be kids! - You believe that?! - And finally, cartoons! Check it out our new addition to "Mister Rogers' neighborhood"! - Oh [bleep.]
! It's "waka blocka blaow!" - # Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! # bitch, I'm bustin' at 'em! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! - # bitch, I'm bustin' at' em! # - So, you just introduce these cartoons, tell the kids to buy some crap Welcome to the neighborhood, bitch! enough cash for at least three submarines! - Huh?! - Huh?! [Ka-ching!.]
Sorry, Fred.
We got to do this.
We just don't know where the money went.
Is my money tie on straight? I told you they don't care - about the kids like we do.
- What the hell is he doing? - Maybe he needs some cocaine.
- You know what you always said you'd do if it came to this.
If no one is going to protect the kids from all the bad in the world, it has to be you.
You know, friends, I try to teach my children a lesson about overcoming problems with their imagination, but I guess sometimes you just got to find the thing that's broken - and take it out.
- Put that down, Fred.
[men screaming.]
[thud.]
Dynamite! Dynamite! B.
D.
: Now, see? This can't say, "birthday.
" We can't have the orphans thinking about how they was once birthed, 'cause that would remind them of their mama's vagina, which is connected to Cream Corn: What's that, Black Dynamite? B.
D.
: A mama! Better, although now that I think of it, each of those orphans was born on a day.
Hmm.
Do y'all think "happy" might be too close to "pappy"? Dynamite! Dynamite! You know, kids, we all have problems.
I want to talk to you right now about a new way to solve your problems.
[giggles.]
I've never seen this part before.
- Why does he look like that? - What do you do when the mad that you feel, when each way you walk is uphill, when the grown-ups are working against you and all you can do is to kill? [all gasp.]
Don't run away.
Don't admit defeat.
[gun cocks.]
Just point your gun up and fire one volley.
[All scream.]
All you kids hop out of your seats and get on the mother[bleep.]
trolley.
[trolley dings.]
Timmy, no! - That's my son.
- Rondell.
Rondell.
Rondell! There you go.
Watch that step.
- Rondell, come back! - White kids, too, ladies.
- Rondell! - Timmy, no! - We're moving, boys and girls, - Rondell! - Off to the real land of make-believe.
- Rondell! [children cheer.]
[trolley dings.]
No! No, no, no! Fred! I'm your neighbor! [Crash.]
Rondell! Well, it's time to move, bitch.
- Now say, "bye," kids! - Don't let them put you in the back of that white man's trolley! [People clamoring.]
Well, where's Black Dynamite when you need him?! Wasn't he just here?! B.
D.
: Okay, y'all.
Now let's get these orphans and have the best birthday ev [bleep.]
- [Sobbing.]
Rondell! - Oh, Timmy! - Oh, Jimmy! My baby! - Honey Bee: Damn, damn, - damn it, Black - # Dynamite! Dynamite! # [Siren wailing.]
- B.
D.
: Who's in Charge here? - Sarcastically, - Mister Rogers is in charge.
- B.
D.
: Chief Rodney Magilahorn, honkies from the ATF I can't say I'm happy to see you, so I won't.
What's the lowdown? Cream Corn: Damn! Mister Rogers did all this? Makes me question every lesson I ever learned from him.
I knew sharing from your heart was a crock of [bleep.]
Mister Rogers kidnapped all the kids in the audience at gunpoint and escaped via trolley down this tunnel, which seems to have been built for the sole purpose of kidnapping kids via trolley.
So, as soon as we get through these rocks, we're gonna use our biggest, hardest unit - and penetrate that tunnel.
- Cream Corn: Oh, I get it! - The tunnel's a vagina! - Yeah.
B.
D.
: Chief Magilahorn, I respect you as much as I can respect any incompetent cop who always [Bleep.]
things up, but unless you got some good intel, you never just storm into a situation and start shooting unless you're Black Dynamite, that is, and you're not Black Dynamite.
I am.
He's just a kiddie-show host.
What's he gonna do strangle me with his cardigan? [trolley dings.]
[trolley dings.]
[trolley dings.]
Oh, well, hello, little trolley.
[trolley dings.]
What's that, little trolley? [trolley dings.]
There's a S.
W.
A.
T.
team coming to take away all the kids? [trolley dings.]
Oh, no! - We can't let that happen.
- But why are they coming - to get us, Mister Rogers? - Well, boys and girls, how 'bout I tell you in a song? [Children cheer.]
Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Bitch, I'm bustin' at 'em! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! bitch, I'm bustin' at 'em! they show you ass and sex, so, bitch, I'm bustin' at 'em! adults don't give a [bleep.]
so, bitch, I'm bustin' at 'em! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! bitch, I'm bustin' at 'em! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! bitch, I'm bustin' at 'em! they'll get you hooked on smack, heroine and coke and [bleep.]
then you'll sell your mama or even suck a [bleep.]
Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! bitch, I'm bustin' at 'em! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! bitch, I'm bustin' at 'em! violence, guns, and sex, we're gonna snap their necks the grown-ups want to flex, we'll put their ass in check Pow! [chuckles.]
Okay, boys! Saddle up! Hut! Hut, hut, hut! Hut, hut, hut, hut! - B.
D.
: Magilahorn, I'm goin' in.
- No.
No one can go after him.
Those men are all gonna die! Honey Bee: Speedy deliveryman Mr.
McFeely? Oh, damn! Looks like your ass ain't gonna - be deliverin' no more mail! - Your back is broke, your limbs are twisted.
- You look like you just got double-fisted.
- Call them back! It's just what he wants! You don't understand! They're dead men "hut, hut, hutting"! [slap.]
[gasps.]
Are you trying to tell me that 30 cops against one old TV host is a no-win situation for us? Wait! You don't know? You don't know about the secret of Fred Rogers that no one knows about? B.
D.
: Tell me, dismembered mailman! Flash back! Flash back for me, as I have no past with Mister Rogers, so I cannot flash back for myself! Captain Fred Rogers is the baddest mother[bleep.]
I ever knew! I first knew him in 1958, before he turned.
[Breathing heavily.]
We ain't getting through that! There's got to be at least - 100 commies in there! - Ugh! Ugh! Well, hello, there, little fella.
Are you scared? It's a scary place, isn't it? It's okay to be scared.
It's okay to not know - what you should do.
- I'm sorry! I didn't mean to turn out this way! If only there had been positive influence in my neighborhood and that taught me important values of sharing, being friendly, and resolving problems in a constructive manner, this would - have turned out different.
- I've got an idea.
Why don't you just hand me that pineapple, very slowly? Okay? [Bullet zooms.]
No! Hy-y-y-y-y-y-y-ah! Ugh! [screams.]
Ugh! [screams.]
[people screaming.]
[breathing heavily.]
And that was just the beginning.
Beirut, 1960.
Cuba, 1961.
Sinai, 1967.
Anytime there's kids involved, nobody stands a chance.
Ugh! Honey Bee: Damn it, Black Dynamite! I can't believe I let you convince me to leave my babies by themselves with this crazy psycho maniac! B.
D.
: Okay.
Now, how the hell was I supposed to know the nicest, friendliest, soft-spokenest mother[bleep.]
in the world would turn out to be a crazy maniac psycho honky?! All right, let's not waste time thinking about how Black Dynamite [bleep.]
up and could have potentially cost the orphans their lives.
Now, I assure you my men can handle this fight.
Hut, hut, hut, hut! [gunshots.]
Aaaaaah! - Nooooo! - Aaaaah! Aaaaaah! Oh, god! We cannot handle this fight! [trolley dings.]
[gasps.]
What the [bleep.]
- Cream Corn: Ohh! - Oh [bleep.]
! Somebody survived?! - See? I told you they were professionals! - I don't think he wants us - to be his neighbor.
- Cream Corn: God damn! Mister Rogers did this, too?! I ain't never saying, "please" or "thank you" for the rest of my whole [bleep.]
life.
[trolley dings.]
Honey Bee: Uh-oh.
- B.
D.
: Look out! - Bullhorn: Whoa, whoa, whoa! [All scream.]
B.
D.
: All right.
That's it.
I'm going in there and getting those orphans back that never belonged to me in the first place.
Not without us honkies from - the ATF, you're not.
- The ATF honkies are in command now, Black Dynamite.
You dig? B.
D.
: Whatever you got to tell yourself, chief.
But the only thing you'll be digging is more honkies - from the ATF's graves.
- Listen, Black Dynamite, you just stay behind us and we'll take care of everything.
B.
D.
: You know, for the first time in my life, I'm inclined to do what a cracker cop tells me to.
Aaaaaaah! B.
D.
: Suey! Aaaaaaah! - Black Dynamite, what are you doing?! - B.
D.
: Just staying behind you, sucka! Black Dynamite, I'm not gonna make it! - Go on without me! - B.
D.
: All right! - Wait, what?! - B.
D.
: Suey! Dynamite! Dynamite! Well, hi, there.
I sure didn't expect anybody to survive all that.
But, gosh, surprises make me happy.
B.
D.
: I wish I could say the same, Mister Rogers, and I am impressed by your ability to slaughter mother[bleep.]
with a cardigan.
But this ain't no pleasantry visit to your make-believe land of murder and death.
Some of those kids there belong to my whorephanage.
- What ever is a whorephanage? - B.
D.
: It's like an orphanage but with a lot more [bleep.]
Oh, I see.
You must be the Black Dynamite some of these kids have been talking about.
You raise them around sex, violence, and foul language.
What do you think that's going to do to them? B.
D.
: Listen, Rogers, I'm starting to lose my patience with you, so I'm dropping the "mister.
" Now I got to evict everybody in this neighborhood.
You know, it's easy to take a gun and annihilate your opponent, but it's so much more fun sometimes to just wrap your - sweater around a mother[bleep.]
- B.
D.
: Mr.
Rogers, you ain't the only one that mastered the ancient art - of cardigan kung-fu! - # Dynamite! Dynamite! # Dynamite! Dynamite! B.
D.
: Ugh! Swung and he missed, Black Dynamite don't take no shit oh, there goes the cardigan in his eye he hit him, and he moved knocked him down, ain't got nothin' to prove Black Dynamite, ooh! Mister Rogers 'bout to get up with the knife! break his arm! he 'bout to do him wrong wrap it around his neck look at the kids, they're gettin' concerned, oh, lord Kids? Uh, okay.
What did Mister Rogers teach you about dealing with these bitchass grown-ups? kids, you better not say shit - Come on, kids! Say it! - We can't.
Black Dynamite always taught us to shut the [bleep.]
up - when grown folks is talking.
- B.
D.
: That's my boy, lil' orphan Arnold.
Now shut the [bleep.]
up! You grown-ups can't be trusted, Black Dynamite.
All you're gonna do is smother 'em with ass, guns, and drugs.
B.
D.
: You know, it's funny you bring that up, because that's what I've been thinkin' about this whole episode.
See, I realize I've been doing the same thing all along.
I can't hide the fact that these orphans don't have any damn parents, and you can't shelter them from the real world by puttin' they asses in a make-believe land that's real.
You always say you got to accept people for who they are.
Well, you got to accept the world for who he is, too.
Uh, n-no matter what you say, Black Dynamite, you're a grown-up, and I won't listen to you! But, Mister Rogers, aren't you a grown-up,too? [gasps.]
Oh, my bejeebers.
You're right.
Black Dynamite, you've made today a special day.
I have to accept myself for who I am.
I am a grown-up.
I am a grown-up.
Thank you, Black Dynamite.
Now I know what's wrong with me.
- I can't be trusted.
- B.
D.
: Glad I could help, Mister Rogers.
You know, sometimes love I think I'm just gonna take this sweater and wrap it around - my neck and snap my - B.
D.
: Mister Rogers! All: Noooo! [Crunch!.]
Well, I've got to say goodbye for today, but I'll see you again soon, neighbor.
Bye, now! # Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! # bitch, I'm bustin' at 'em! I be bustin' at 'em! I be bustin' at 'em! I be bustin' at 'em! - # Dynamite! Dynamite! # - Bitch! B.
D.
: All right, little orphans.
Since I cannot shelter you from your painful parentless little worlds, I will remind you of your pain every day and thusly make you all a better person.
[Children cheer.]
Here you go, little orphan Willis.
Your parents were killed in a car crash, so here's a 1966 Coupe DeVille, the same make and model they burned to death in.
[Whimpers.]
B.
D.
: Here you go, little orphan Penny.
Your mama was a heroin junkie, so we got you a doll with holes in the arms to remind you of why you will never see her again.
[sobbing.]
B.
D.
: And, little orphan Stevie, we got you a pair of track shoes to remind you of how quick your daddy ran out of your life.
[Sobbing.]
B.
D.
: [laughs.]
Now, isn't this the best - birthday y'all ever had? - Honey Bee: Damn it, Black ugh! [Children sobbing.]
- B.
D.
: What? - # Dynamite! Dynamite! # [sobbing continues.]
# Dynamite! Dynamite! # Hey, Black Dynamite! You ain't [bleep.]
.
We are here today to determine if, um, congress shall cut funding for the Pubic broadca what is this? "Public.
" Public broadcasting system, PBS, currently at $20 million a year.
- Okay, Rogers.
It's your floor.
- Senator Pastore, I'm the host - of a television program on PBS called - "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood.
" - Yes, we all are aware.
- Could I tell you the words of one of the songs on our program that I feel is very important? - Sure.
Why not? - It's you I like because your back is hairy like a bear.
It's you I like, not your fat booty bottom that barely fits the chair not your man boobs or your obviously fake hair.
I make no judgments about how ugly you are and tell you I like you just the way you are.
- Mister Rogers, I think - Wait, senator.
I haven't even gotten to your flaccid little ding-dong and your elephantitis of the nuts.
Or would you rather just give me my hush money now? [laughter.]
Looks like you just earned your $20 million.
[Cheers and applause.]
Mister Rogers, put it here, baby! Congratulations! All of us at PBS knew you could do it.
Oh, I'm just pleased for all the children we'll be able - to care for over the next few years.
- Yeah, yeah.
Don't worry, Rogers.
Trust me this $20 million is gonna last a long, long time.
[Cheers and laughter.]
Guess what, guys this $20 million didn't last long at all! Really? All I did was buy this opulent mansion, import this coke from Colombia, and throw a few parties with bitches - and money bonfires! - Whoo! Burnin' money! Yeah, and this is the cheapest luxury submarine they had! [laughs.]
Can't say the same for the hoes, though! - Quality hoes are expensive.
- Hey, what are we gonna tell - that guy Mister Rogers? - Oh, oh! I know! [Buzzing.]
[bleep.]
him, that's what! Hey, quit hogging the titty cocaine! [Laughs.]
# Dynamite! Dynamite! # [title music.]
He's Dynamite so Dynamite Ooohhh, ooohhh Ooohhh, aaahhh He's Dynamite Dy-no, Dy-no Ooohhh, ooohhh Ooohhhh Dynamite! Dynamite! Bullhorn: This week Cream Corn: Ooh, yeah, girl.
That's how I like it.
Rub a little harder, you'll get some milk.
Honey Bee: Cream Corn! [gasps.]
Bring your little ass over here and stop playing with yourself, you nasty ass! [Static.]
Bullhorn: Man, this antenna been a hemorrhoid in my ass nipples all day.
And this raggedy old mother[bleep.]
better not be shrinkin' my [bleep.]
with all these microwaves! Bullhorn, "Mister Rogers" is gonna start! We're gonna miss it! You don't know how to fix nothing.
Bullhorn: Bitch! I'm adjusting these rabbit ears as best as I'm able! But I don't know why the [bleep.]
we don't just break down - and get some goddamn cable! - All: Yay! Honey Bee: Bullhorn! Come here! Come here! Bullhorn: Orpheens, don't go no place.
Keep your ass sittin' tight.
Bullhorn will be back faster - than you can say, "dolemite"! - B.
D.
: Hey, y'all.
I know this is short notice, but I need your help to throw a surprise birthday party today.
- Cream Corn: A surprise party for me?! - Honey Bee: Shhh! - Shut shhh! - B.
D.
: For the orphans.
We never celebrate their birthdays anyway, mostly because there's 30 of them and I can't remember all those goddamn dates.
Besides, we don't know when half their birthdays are anyway.
So today is gonna be the day we celebrate all of them.
Honey Bee: Okay, look, I think that if you two go out Bullhorn, where you at? We said, "dolemite" like - 50 times already! - Bullhorn: Orpheen, you ain't sittin' where I told you to stay! Can't you see we tryin' to inconspicuously plan your - mother[bleep.]
birthda [groans.]
- Honey Bee: Defects! - Yeah, we're talkin' 'bout your birth defects! - But "defects" don't rhyme with Honey Bee: Hush, boy, and go sit your little smart ass down! [Sighs.]
B.
D.
: Okay.
So, we got to get this whorephanage ready for a surprise birthday party that these orphans - will be surprised by.
- Honey Bee: And how the hell we gonna do that? You see how nosy these little mother[bleep.]
are.
[kid screams.]
Cream Corn: Ooh, I know! We take the kids to see the "Mister Rogers" show.
They seem to love - that learning [bleep.]
- B.
D.
: Fine.
- Now what presents we got? - Honey Bee: Okay, look.
- I got this cute little my mommy doll from - Oh! Suey! B.
D.
: What are you thinking? If we give that mommy doll to the orphans, all it's gonna do is remind them that they ain't got no mommies, and it'll break - their little parentless hearts.
- Bullhorn: So we got to find new gifts at full price or on clearance that don't remind them orpheens that they ain't got no parents! Cream Corn: Okay, look I don't know 'bout y'all, but I'm - ready to come out of the closet.
- Honey Bee: Hmph.
It's about damn time.
Dynamite! Dynamite! [Soft piano music playing.]
[trolley dings.]
Look it's speedy deliveryman Mr.
McFeely.
What you got for us today, Mr.
McFeely? Hey, Mister Rogers! Today I got you this piano! A piano? Wow! Looks like that congress money is starting to pay off.
Boys and girls, let me show you how I hit the G-spot I mean, note.
You just press these keys, and each one makes - a different sound.
- Yay! Yay! B.
D.
: Now, this is an environment I can safely say the orphans will be safe in.
Now's our chance to slip out and get their presents.
Come on, y'all.
Honey Bee: Black Dynamite, are you sure you just want to - leave the orphans like this? - B.
D.
: Look 'em.
When's the last time you seen them this interested in some [Bleep.]
you were saying? Now, if there is a white man you can trust, it's a Mister Rogers white man.
[Soft piano music plays.]
[note plinks.]
Oh, wait.
This one sounds wrong.
A broken piano string.
See, neighbors? Life is full of problems, but you can fix them yourself by pretending that they're not problems.
Let's pretend this broken piano string is a magical gold wand that can make all your problems go away.
[Children cheer and laugh.]
B.
D.
: Okay, gang.
Let's not [bleep.]
this up, 'cause I don't want to be buyin' birthday presents for at least another year.
Cream Corn: Ooh, here's a cute goo-goo baby! - I love goo-goo babies! - B.
D.
: Shaa! We can't get them this baby doll 'cause babies come from mamas, and mamas is exactly what we don't want them thinking of.
Bullhorn: All right.
Surely we can't go wrong if we get these orpheens this stretch Armstrong! B.
D.
: Suey! I don't want them wrapping skrech arms around each other 'cause they'll just think of the hugs they no longer get from the parents they no longer have.
Honey Bee: Okay.
Ooh! How about this light-up - Simon Says memory game? - B.
D.
: Shaa! Honey Bee, the last thing we want them orphans to do is remember - [Bleep.]
like their parents.
- Cream Corn: Okay, here a totally innocent non-parental-reminding - Lionel Train set! - B.
D.
: [thud.]
I don't want - orphans putting the train in the tunnel! - Honey Bee: Trains in the tunnel? What does that have to do with orphans? B.
D.
: You know "put the train in the tunnel.
" It's a euphemism, like the train is the dick, - and it goes in the tunnel.
- Cream Corn: Well, then, - what's the tunnel my [bleep.]
? - B.
D.
: Okay, what we got left? Bullhorn: There ain't nothin' here I can find that ain't gonna remind these orpheens of parents and a happier time, except maybe - these toy guns, knives, and land mines! - B.
D.
: I don't know.
Maybe we should get' 'em nothin', 'cause that's the only thing I can think of that won't remind them of somethin'.
[Bell dings.]
We're back in five, Fred! Thanks for letting me know that, Abe.
- You're great with numbers.
- What? Oh, hi, there, public broadcasting friends.
I thought we were going to use some of that money from the government to get some new equipment around here.
Money? What money? Oh, that money is all gone.
- You see, your show just isn't profitable.
- Not to worry, though, Freddy baby! We got a whole stable of product-endorsement deals that'll shoot our budget sky-high! Well, I've got to say I've never been a fan of endorsing.
Hey, kids are gonna beg their parents for sugary bad [bleep.]
anyway, so they might as well get it from us! And we've got the shirt that promotes the soda! - Double pump! - We call it the "Obesi-tee"! Get it? Obese? Tee? T-Shirt? Y-You just had to be there.
And we've got snacktime covered! Oh, my, fellas.
That looks like cocaine.
- I'll call the police.
- Are you kidding me? With coke prices these days? This is pure refined sugar.
A survey we did said 100% of drug addicts used to be kids! - You believe that?! - And finally, cartoons! Check it out our new addition to "Mister Rogers' neighborhood"! - Oh [bleep.]
! It's "waka blocka blaow!" - # Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! # bitch, I'm bustin' at 'em! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! - # bitch, I'm bustin' at' em! # - So, you just introduce these cartoons, tell the kids to buy some crap Welcome to the neighborhood, bitch! enough cash for at least three submarines! - Huh?! - Huh?! [Ka-ching!.]
Sorry, Fred.
We got to do this.
We just don't know where the money went.
Is my money tie on straight? I told you they don't care - about the kids like we do.
- What the hell is he doing? - Maybe he needs some cocaine.
- You know what you always said you'd do if it came to this.
If no one is going to protect the kids from all the bad in the world, it has to be you.
You know, friends, I try to teach my children a lesson about overcoming problems with their imagination, but I guess sometimes you just got to find the thing that's broken - and take it out.
- Put that down, Fred.
[men screaming.]
[thud.]
Dynamite! Dynamite! B.
D.
: Now, see? This can't say, "birthday.
" We can't have the orphans thinking about how they was once birthed, 'cause that would remind them of their mama's vagina, which is connected to Cream Corn: What's that, Black Dynamite? B.
D.
: A mama! Better, although now that I think of it, each of those orphans was born on a day.
Hmm.
Do y'all think "happy" might be too close to "pappy"? Dynamite! Dynamite! You know, kids, we all have problems.
I want to talk to you right now about a new way to solve your problems.
[giggles.]
I've never seen this part before.
- Why does he look like that? - What do you do when the mad that you feel, when each way you walk is uphill, when the grown-ups are working against you and all you can do is to kill? [all gasp.]
Don't run away.
Don't admit defeat.
[gun cocks.]
Just point your gun up and fire one volley.
[All scream.]
All you kids hop out of your seats and get on the mother[bleep.]
trolley.
[trolley dings.]
Timmy, no! - That's my son.
- Rondell.
Rondell.
Rondell! There you go.
Watch that step.
- Rondell, come back! - White kids, too, ladies.
- Rondell! - Timmy, no! - We're moving, boys and girls, - Rondell! - Off to the real land of make-believe.
- Rondell! [children cheer.]
[trolley dings.]
No! No, no, no! Fred! I'm your neighbor! [Crash.]
Rondell! Well, it's time to move, bitch.
- Now say, "bye," kids! - Don't let them put you in the back of that white man's trolley! [People clamoring.]
Well, where's Black Dynamite when you need him?! Wasn't he just here?! B.
D.
: Okay, y'all.
Now let's get these orphans and have the best birthday ev [bleep.]
- [Sobbing.]
Rondell! - Oh, Timmy! - Oh, Jimmy! My baby! - Honey Bee: Damn, damn, - damn it, Black - # Dynamite! Dynamite! # [Siren wailing.]
- B.
D.
: Who's in Charge here? - Sarcastically, - Mister Rogers is in charge.
- B.
D.
: Chief Rodney Magilahorn, honkies from the ATF I can't say I'm happy to see you, so I won't.
What's the lowdown? Cream Corn: Damn! Mister Rogers did all this? Makes me question every lesson I ever learned from him.
I knew sharing from your heart was a crock of [bleep.]
Mister Rogers kidnapped all the kids in the audience at gunpoint and escaped via trolley down this tunnel, which seems to have been built for the sole purpose of kidnapping kids via trolley.
So, as soon as we get through these rocks, we're gonna use our biggest, hardest unit - and penetrate that tunnel.
- Cream Corn: Oh, I get it! - The tunnel's a vagina! - Yeah.
B.
D.
: Chief Magilahorn, I respect you as much as I can respect any incompetent cop who always [Bleep.]
things up, but unless you got some good intel, you never just storm into a situation and start shooting unless you're Black Dynamite, that is, and you're not Black Dynamite.
I am.
He's just a kiddie-show host.
What's he gonna do strangle me with his cardigan? [trolley dings.]
[trolley dings.]
[trolley dings.]
Oh, well, hello, little trolley.
[trolley dings.]
What's that, little trolley? [trolley dings.]
There's a S.
W.
A.
T.
team coming to take away all the kids? [trolley dings.]
Oh, no! - We can't let that happen.
- But why are they coming - to get us, Mister Rogers? - Well, boys and girls, how 'bout I tell you in a song? [Children cheer.]
Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Bitch, I'm bustin' at 'em! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! bitch, I'm bustin' at 'em! they show you ass and sex, so, bitch, I'm bustin' at 'em! adults don't give a [bleep.]
so, bitch, I'm bustin' at 'em! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! bitch, I'm bustin' at 'em! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! bitch, I'm bustin' at 'em! they'll get you hooked on smack, heroine and coke and [bleep.]
then you'll sell your mama or even suck a [bleep.]
Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! bitch, I'm bustin' at 'em! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! bitch, I'm bustin' at 'em! violence, guns, and sex, we're gonna snap their necks the grown-ups want to flex, we'll put their ass in check Pow! [chuckles.]
Okay, boys! Saddle up! Hut! Hut, hut, hut! Hut, hut, hut, hut! - B.
D.
: Magilahorn, I'm goin' in.
- No.
No one can go after him.
Those men are all gonna die! Honey Bee: Speedy deliveryman Mr.
McFeely? Oh, damn! Looks like your ass ain't gonna - be deliverin' no more mail! - Your back is broke, your limbs are twisted.
- You look like you just got double-fisted.
- Call them back! It's just what he wants! You don't understand! They're dead men "hut, hut, hutting"! [slap.]
[gasps.]
Are you trying to tell me that 30 cops against one old TV host is a no-win situation for us? Wait! You don't know? You don't know about the secret of Fred Rogers that no one knows about? B.
D.
: Tell me, dismembered mailman! Flash back! Flash back for me, as I have no past with Mister Rogers, so I cannot flash back for myself! Captain Fred Rogers is the baddest mother[bleep.]
I ever knew! I first knew him in 1958, before he turned.
[Breathing heavily.]
We ain't getting through that! There's got to be at least - 100 commies in there! - Ugh! Ugh! Well, hello, there, little fella.
Are you scared? It's a scary place, isn't it? It's okay to be scared.
It's okay to not know - what you should do.
- I'm sorry! I didn't mean to turn out this way! If only there had been positive influence in my neighborhood and that taught me important values of sharing, being friendly, and resolving problems in a constructive manner, this would - have turned out different.
- I've got an idea.
Why don't you just hand me that pineapple, very slowly? Okay? [Bullet zooms.]
No! Hy-y-y-y-y-y-y-ah! Ugh! [screams.]
Ugh! [screams.]
[people screaming.]
[breathing heavily.]
And that was just the beginning.
Beirut, 1960.
Cuba, 1961.
Sinai, 1967.
Anytime there's kids involved, nobody stands a chance.
Ugh! Honey Bee: Damn it, Black Dynamite! I can't believe I let you convince me to leave my babies by themselves with this crazy psycho maniac! B.
D.
: Okay.
Now, how the hell was I supposed to know the nicest, friendliest, soft-spokenest mother[bleep.]
in the world would turn out to be a crazy maniac psycho honky?! All right, let's not waste time thinking about how Black Dynamite [bleep.]
up and could have potentially cost the orphans their lives.
Now, I assure you my men can handle this fight.
Hut, hut, hut, hut! [gunshots.]
Aaaaaah! - Nooooo! - Aaaaah! Aaaaaah! Oh, god! We cannot handle this fight! [trolley dings.]
[gasps.]
What the [bleep.]
- Cream Corn: Ohh! - Oh [bleep.]
! Somebody survived?! - See? I told you they were professionals! - I don't think he wants us - to be his neighbor.
- Cream Corn: God damn! Mister Rogers did this, too?! I ain't never saying, "please" or "thank you" for the rest of my whole [bleep.]
life.
[trolley dings.]
Honey Bee: Uh-oh.
- B.
D.
: Look out! - Bullhorn: Whoa, whoa, whoa! [All scream.]
B.
D.
: All right.
That's it.
I'm going in there and getting those orphans back that never belonged to me in the first place.
Not without us honkies from - the ATF, you're not.
- The ATF honkies are in command now, Black Dynamite.
You dig? B.
D.
: Whatever you got to tell yourself, chief.
But the only thing you'll be digging is more honkies - from the ATF's graves.
- Listen, Black Dynamite, you just stay behind us and we'll take care of everything.
B.
D.
: You know, for the first time in my life, I'm inclined to do what a cracker cop tells me to.
Aaaaaaah! B.
D.
: Suey! Aaaaaaah! - Black Dynamite, what are you doing?! - B.
D.
: Just staying behind you, sucka! Black Dynamite, I'm not gonna make it! - Go on without me! - B.
D.
: All right! - Wait, what?! - B.
D.
: Suey! Dynamite! Dynamite! Well, hi, there.
I sure didn't expect anybody to survive all that.
But, gosh, surprises make me happy.
B.
D.
: I wish I could say the same, Mister Rogers, and I am impressed by your ability to slaughter mother[bleep.]
with a cardigan.
But this ain't no pleasantry visit to your make-believe land of murder and death.
Some of those kids there belong to my whorephanage.
- What ever is a whorephanage? - B.
D.
: It's like an orphanage but with a lot more [bleep.]
Oh, I see.
You must be the Black Dynamite some of these kids have been talking about.
You raise them around sex, violence, and foul language.
What do you think that's going to do to them? B.
D.
: Listen, Rogers, I'm starting to lose my patience with you, so I'm dropping the "mister.
" Now I got to evict everybody in this neighborhood.
You know, it's easy to take a gun and annihilate your opponent, but it's so much more fun sometimes to just wrap your - sweater around a mother[bleep.]
- B.
D.
: Mr.
Rogers, you ain't the only one that mastered the ancient art - of cardigan kung-fu! - # Dynamite! Dynamite! # Dynamite! Dynamite! B.
D.
: Ugh! Swung and he missed, Black Dynamite don't take no shit oh, there goes the cardigan in his eye he hit him, and he moved knocked him down, ain't got nothin' to prove Black Dynamite, ooh! Mister Rogers 'bout to get up with the knife! break his arm! he 'bout to do him wrong wrap it around his neck look at the kids, they're gettin' concerned, oh, lord Kids? Uh, okay.
What did Mister Rogers teach you about dealing with these bitchass grown-ups? kids, you better not say shit - Come on, kids! Say it! - We can't.
Black Dynamite always taught us to shut the [bleep.]
up - when grown folks is talking.
- B.
D.
: That's my boy, lil' orphan Arnold.
Now shut the [bleep.]
up! You grown-ups can't be trusted, Black Dynamite.
All you're gonna do is smother 'em with ass, guns, and drugs.
B.
D.
: You know, it's funny you bring that up, because that's what I've been thinkin' about this whole episode.
See, I realize I've been doing the same thing all along.
I can't hide the fact that these orphans don't have any damn parents, and you can't shelter them from the real world by puttin' they asses in a make-believe land that's real.
You always say you got to accept people for who they are.
Well, you got to accept the world for who he is, too.
Uh, n-no matter what you say, Black Dynamite, you're a grown-up, and I won't listen to you! But, Mister Rogers, aren't you a grown-up,too? [gasps.]
Oh, my bejeebers.
You're right.
Black Dynamite, you've made today a special day.
I have to accept myself for who I am.
I am a grown-up.
I am a grown-up.
Thank you, Black Dynamite.
Now I know what's wrong with me.
- I can't be trusted.
- B.
D.
: Glad I could help, Mister Rogers.
You know, sometimes love I think I'm just gonna take this sweater and wrap it around - my neck and snap my - B.
D.
: Mister Rogers! All: Noooo! [Crunch!.]
Well, I've got to say goodbye for today, but I'll see you again soon, neighbor.
Bye, now! # Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! # bitch, I'm bustin' at 'em! I be bustin' at 'em! I be bustin' at 'em! I be bustin' at 'em! - # Dynamite! Dynamite! # - Bitch! B.
D.
: All right, little orphans.
Since I cannot shelter you from your painful parentless little worlds, I will remind you of your pain every day and thusly make you all a better person.
[Children cheer.]
Here you go, little orphan Willis.
Your parents were killed in a car crash, so here's a 1966 Coupe DeVille, the same make and model they burned to death in.
[Whimpers.]
B.
D.
: Here you go, little orphan Penny.
Your mama was a heroin junkie, so we got you a doll with holes in the arms to remind you of why you will never see her again.
[sobbing.]
B.
D.
: And, little orphan Stevie, we got you a pair of track shoes to remind you of how quick your daddy ran out of your life.
[Sobbing.]
B.
D.
: [laughs.]
Now, isn't this the best - birthday y'all ever had? - Honey Bee: Damn it, Black ugh! [Children sobbing.]
- B.
D.
: What? - # Dynamite! Dynamite! # [sobbing continues.]
# Dynamite! Dynamite! # Hey, Black Dynamite! You ain't [bleep.]
.