Black Jesus (2014) s02e06 Episode Script

Hey, hey, is God mad at us? Of course not, man.
Why would Pops be mad? Look, he blessed us with this beautiful day.
We out here chillin'.
You got a pocketful of weed.
And we're about to catch some free dinner.
Did I mention that it was "free" and it was "dinner"? Why would he be mad at us? 'Cause I'm fishing for dinner in Wilt Chamberlain Lake.
I mean, I don't mind the free food, but this is embarrassing.
I don't want to be seen doing this crap.
Guys, this is a terrible idea.
We should not be eating this fish.
Oh, here you go with that bullshit, man.
What, you reading some dumb shit online about the fish in the hood bad? I was reading the California Office of Environmental Hazard Assessment June 2010 report titled "Health Advisory "and Safe Eating Guidelines for Fish from the Wilt Chamberlain Lake.
" It's fine, Tray.
It's fine.
Pops told me.
He blessed us with the fish so we can sustain and nourish ourselves.
You like to eat, right? - Yeah.
- Just like he blesses us with struggle.
'Cause without struggle, we wouldn't be strong people.
He kind of tests our mettle you feel me? And you know what, Boon? You asking the right questions, dawg.
And that makes me think, man, we got to get out here and deliver the Word to the people that need it that can't get to us.
We got to take this show on the road, dawg.
I'm the preacher and you the deejay.
Feel me? Oh! Ms.
Tudi, I ain't even here for what you think, girl.
Oh, Heavenly Father, please look down on us! Jesus Christ lying to my face.
I know you want some money.
Nah, don't nobody want your bread, girl.
You can keep your little purse private.
Mm-hmm.
Then what you want? Oh, just a little of your time, that's it.
Baby, what you seem to forget is, for us mortals, time is money.
You feel me? Look, Ms.
Tudi, I finally figured out why Pops wanted me to have that food truck.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, the truth has been revealed.
Peep this out.
We about to start Jesus's Church of Compton and Fish Taco Truck.
Whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Say that again.
"Jesus's Church of Compton"? And Fish Taco Truck yeah! We about to set up, give away some bomb-ass tacos.
I'm talking about some bomb Baby, baby, what you want me to do? Oh, I just want you to bless the grill with some of your fine and exquisitely honed culinary skills.
Whoa, hold it! Hold up.
You want me to cook for free?! For free? Girl, how absurd.
You talkin' stupid.
I don't know - nothing about for free.
- Jesus? You gonna get paid in grace.
All right, listen, you must need money for something.
Where you gonna get the fish? Oh, the fish are caught locally.
You better not sleep.
I'm talking about a bonanza of fish! Oh, my You telling me you got this out the Wilt Chamberlain Lake? God is a mother, ain't he? Mm I'm gonna let y'all try this shit first.
The hell's all this shit? Hey, hey! What's happening, Vic? Hey, come check us out, man! You'd better get you one of these delicioso fish tacos! You know you want one! Check it out! So a bunch of losers done started up a new business, huh? Hell about to freeze over.
Excuse me, but who you calling a loser? Ms.
Tudi, well, I didn't even know you was in there.
Mm-hmm, you'd better quit being a hater.
Try one of these fish tacos.
This here's our first batch.
- Ain't no weed in there, right? - Of course not.
- Ain't no weed in that, man.
- That's right.
Mmm-mmm-mmm.
Mm-hmm.
Wow.
That's actually good.
Yeah, man, and the crazy part is, Pops blessed us with this straight from Wilt Chamberlain Lake.
Wilt Chamberlain Lake?! Nigga, are you crazy?! Whoa, whoa, hold just relax! This here okay.
All I try to do is spread joy in your life, man, and you keep on coming at us like we some peons, man.
Who you think sent your mama that big-ass "bouquette" of flowers for her birthday on Wednesday, man? Oh, yeah, I know it's "bouquet," but I like to say "bouquette.
" Who you think did that and put your name on it? You got my mama those flowers? You didn't do it.
Man, I ain't even supposed to be revealing my infinite and divine powers to you like that, man.
But I like you, Vic.
And guess what, Vic.
I helped him pick them.
Yeah, I bet you feel like a real dick now, don't you? Yeah, well, where you get my mama's info from? Pops gave it to us.
I mean, he knew it was for a good cause, man.
You need to quit trippin', Vic.
Divine insight from the Big Guy upstairs; that's all it was.
Bullshit.
You's a nerd bitch hacker! Hey, man, when you get mad, you look like the hyenas on The Lion King.
Mufasa.
Vic, Trayvon a hacker? He real smart, man, but he ain't no hacker, brah.
You niggas is a bunch of identity thieves.
Yeah, I hope you ain't using the WI-FI in the complex to do some goddamn cyber crime.
Nah, Vic, man, you got it all wrong, brah.
No, you got it all wrong, see.
Yeah, you done went too far this time, nigga.
You send my mama some more flowers, that's your ass.
And these tacos? You can have them.
Wilt Chamberlain Lake.
Hey, wait, wait, wait, what you doing? That nigga taking all the tacos.
He's hungry, man.
Let him eat.
Oh, yeah! From Galilee to Gardena.
Cairo to Compton.
Probably seen him hanging around Rick Ross' neck.
Hell, he used to be white! Give it up for Jesus Christ! Come on out and get you some salvation! This baby is Jesus's Church of Compton and Fish Taco Truck! Where the food will not only nourish your soul, but please your piehole.
Can I get an amen, y'all? War, famine, pestilence who needs that shit when you got God's love and fish tacos? You ever heard of the term "undying love"? That comes from the fact that I died and undied for you.
Came back to give you some more love.
Loving guidance by the boatload! Trees, Boon! Boon, trees! For respect one time, y'all! Think I'm getting to them.
Get fat on God's Word this Sunday at Jesus's Church of Compton and Fish Taco Truck! Right here get fat on God's love and God's Word, 'cause he got plenty.
Ha! You love that, don't you? God's love is free, amen? But food trucks need gas.
Yeah, we appreciate all these little donations y'all are giving us.
That's right.
Where is Trayvon? Did he make the run to the store? Yeah, he been gone.
All right.
Come on, baby.
Thank you.
God bless you.
Hello, Jesus' phone.
I'm at the store right now.
Boonie already talked to me.
Oh, sorry, go ahead.
Yeah, look, I don't have enough money for that.
Hold on one second, hold on.
Yeah, hello? Aah! Wait! That's Give me that bike! Wait! That's my bike! Come back! Hmm.
Ooh, look-a here.
No, no, no, no.
No.
Hope to see you all this Sunday, serving salvation and swordfish tacos! Jesus's Church of Compton and Fish Tacos, where there ain't nothing but love Hello.
Hey, Victor.
I just saw that dirty Jesus nigga.
Yeah, yeah.
You know what I found out? This nigga's a identity thief.
Stole my mom's address.
He's bad news, man.
Well, he just rolled by the church in that taco truck he's got.
You know about this? Yeah, fish taco truck.
You know those fish come out the Wilt Chamberlain Lake? Well, he's not just selling tacos.
He's preaching the Word.
And taking donations.
On my turf! I ought to cut that nigga.
Anybody taking money from God in Southwest Compton is me.
Everybody want to judge.
But if anybody qualified to do the job, it should be me.
I wear the robe and I'm of the divinity.
But do you see me judge anybody? No.
Uh, Fish, sorry to interrupt the sermon.
What's up, Tray, what's up? - I got jacked.
All right? - What? And they stole my bike and everything.
Oh, man, they tore that eye up, man.
- Yeah.
- Do that hurt? Aah! That's not funny.
Yes, it hurts.
Okay? Listen, it was this dude.
It was, it was two dudes, okay? And they had shotguns and there were some pit bulls and everything.
But that's not the worst part.
All right? I dropped your phone.
I dropped your phone when I was gonna go chase her the-the dudes and then, when I went back, it was gone.
Someone stole it.
Uh-oh.
Oh, we sorry, Officer.
We see the fire hydrant.
We had a flat; we fixed it now.
We on our way out, Officer.
Have a great day.
Like a taco? Well, I guess not.
I guess not.
Guess not.
And let's call it quits, man.
I'll be okay.
I'm sorry to let you down.
- Oh, just as long as you're okay, Trayvon.
- God, thank you.
This phone has literally billions of contacts.
Mm-hmm.
And famous people, look at that! Bill Gates.
The President! Russell Simmons.
Hey, man.
You know what this means, right? This is proof that whatever that crooked nigga's up to, it's a whole lot bigger than we think, man.
What? Hello? Judge Judy? Hey, baby, how you doing, sweet thang? Hey, come on, man.
- You can't do that, man! - Why not? She may not be the hottest white woman around, but that bitch is paid.
You don't get it, do you? - This phone is probably being tracked.
- Tracked? Yes, tracked.
FBI, CIA, the government Think about it, Lloyd.
The phone has billions of stolen personal contacts in it.
We could go to jail just for having that.
So what do we do? We get this shit out of here, is what we do.
- Hey! - The phone is being tracked, Lloyd.
I mean the phone should be trackable as long as the battery's inside, but right now I'm not getting anything.
I mean Man, I'm so stupid.
Well? Well, what? That's barely enough for gas.
Well, what you think the problem is? The problem is poor people, Jesus.
- They ain't got no damn money.
- Okay, well, it ain't about the money no way, right? I mean, it's about spreading the Word and getting it out there, and you can't front we had a beautiful-ass day today, - Ms.
Tud - No, we didn't, Jesus.
This was exhausting.
You got me up here as a fry cook, six hours straight.
And I'm an old girl.
I mean I still got it going on.
But I'm saying OGs can't be doing that.
Yeah, she right.
That was some hard-ass work today, Jesus.
I'm telling you, man, God hates us, man.
I mean, we do all this, and for what? I don't know.
Man, I thought Pops would at least gave us enough to keep this thing going, though, man.
Yeah.
Well, he gave us $24.
Here.
$24.
All right, so what? It's $24, and $24 is not a lot of bread.
But don't start losing faith right now.
Come on, man.
Pops love this truck, man, he ordained it.
He don't want to see it stop.
Boonie! You okay, Mom? The hell Boonie! Man.
- Nigga, what'd you do? - Hey.
- Mama, I didn't - You did something.
Ms.
Tudi.
I don't even want to hear it.
Mama, what a hernia look like? I'm sorry I let you down, big guy.
Don't even trip, Tray, I'm just glad you're all right.
Let me see.
Yeah, you're good.
Well? Looks like I'll be up all night.
Hey.
I got to get some sleep.
Hey, little kitty.
Hey, little kitty.
Oh.
What's up, y'all? It's Taco Sundays! Guaranteed good taco.
Hey, lady over there! Take your time and come over here and get a taco! My man with the Afro playing basketball, stop all that, come over here and get a taco! Hey! You Yeah Tac And we got a special guest coming out.
It's gonna blow your mind.
Hey, cross-eyed girl! Hey! Wiggle over here and get some of these taco! No, the truck right here! Stop going Oh, this Yeah.
Oh.
Jesus Christ.
I don't give a shit.
Hello? Is the Pope in? Tell him it's Deez.
Deez Nuts! Got him.
Please record outgoing message at the beep.
Taco Sundays, come on over here! Some bonbons in the truck.
Yeah Hey, Jesus, I think I know who stole your phone.
Not right now, Trayvon, the show about to kick off.
N-N-N-N-No, you need to see this right now.
Look, come here.
Is that Lloyd's penis?! Yeah.
Ugh, he got it all out and shit? Yeah, he does, that's not the only thing, all right? This is all over all your social media accounts.
- Every one.
- All of 'em? All of 'em.
Don't worry.
I'm-a get it handled.
Okay.
Y'all know what mother(bleep) time it is.
It's Taco Sundays out here in the pond, and I'm about to bring to you the original Galilean gangster.
Give it for your nigga and mine, Jesus H.
(bleep) Christ! Hey, hey, what's happening, everybody? I'm so glad to see y'all here today, man.
But, look, before I get started, I want to let y'all know, man, that all my social networking accounts have been hacked, man.
Somebody put some real janky shit out there that ain't me.
You might see an old man's penis up there, but I promise we're gonna clean that shit up as soon as possible.
Somebody's just hatin', y'all.
So check this out, I'm gonna need everybody to gather on round and have a seat right here so I can tell you about this hate.
Jesus say sit down! That's one of the commandments.
See, hate is like a fire, man.
And you don't stop a fire with fire.
See, the way you stop hate is with love.
Didn't nobody tell you to put yourself out there like that.
- That's that ego.
- All right, now, who's got Ms.
Tudi's Alaskan halibut? 'Cause if it was your ego, you got to let that go, brother.
That's some bullshit.
Ego done killed more black and brown men than the police.
- Can I get an amen, y'all? - Amen.
You ever play football, little dude? - Yeah.
- Okay.
So, just say you got the ball.
You runnin', you runnin' and you jukin' and you spinnin' on fools.
What the other team supposed to be doing? - Try and tackle me.
- Okay.
So, you got some fat-ass lineman that just jumped off and he just tried to tackle you but he missed.
- What you gonna do then? - I'm-a keep runnin'.
What? That fool tried to tackle you.
Is you a sucker or something? You gonna keep runnin'? You ain't gonna tackle him back? Is you a little bitch? - Man, of course not.
- Why not? Because that's stupid.
That's revenge.
Yeah, yeah! That was real deep, nigga! But-but I got a question for you.
Now, I was just enjoying this delicious fish, and I was wondering where it came from.
Oh, the fish? The fish came from Pops.
Oh, really? Because I heard it came from Wilt Chamberlain Lake! Mm-mm.
- Oh, come on, Jesus.
- That true, Jesus? Now, you wouldn't lie to the people, would you? Now did you or did you not get this fish from that nasty Wilt Chamberlain Lake? Yeah, we did get the fish from the lake, but but-but it was a miracle, though.
It was a miracle.
That's right, ladies and gentlemen, you're eating fish from the Wilt Chamberlain Lake.
Now, I'm sure that you're all gonna shit blood and die shortly.
But if you don't, Sunday is the Korean barbecue cookout at the First Jesus of Christ Church of Compton.
Get out of here, son.
Uh, y'all come back, now, hear? Lloyd, Lloyd! Come here.
Come here.
Stop.
- Oh! - You little - monster, you - Give me the phone! - He's stealing from me! - Okay, stop! Okay, got it, yeah.
It's wrong to steal people's phones, Lloyd.
And it's wrong to knock a mother(bleep) out.
Ooh! - World star! - What the Mother $31? This some bullshit, man.
Yeah, I don't know, man.
Come on, y'all.
Didn't nobody say it was gonna be easy.
We still working the kinks out.
But look, man, overall, I think we did good, man.
I think we reached some folks today.
You know what, Jee? I ain't mad no more.
But I'm tired, hear? I'm tired.
Hey, man, I guess I could eat that Toxic Avenger fish, man, I'm just tired of this church taco truck, man.
Yeah, I mean, we gave it a shot, Jee, so Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey, what you said back there about revenge I never even really thought about it like that.
I just been going through a lot lately.
It be like that sometime.
But God gave you that ball, brah, and he wants you to run that.
Don't stop.
And don't get caught up in that bullshit, you feel me, young brother? I'm-a take your word on that.
This (bleep) always got to be right about something.
Please bless these sorry-ass followers who don't have any faith in me whatsoever.
So I can expect to see all y'all next week, right? Yeah, right.
You want us to come back next week just 'cause you saved a kid? God hate me, I know it! His little pussy-ass .
38 kind of clean, though, huh? - Oh! - Oh! Hey Nigga, what did I tell you about playing with guns, huh? What'd I tell you about that?