Blackadder s02e06 Episode Script

Get out, libidinous swine! And take that whore slut painted strumpet with you! May you both rot in the filth of your own fornication! - And what did you say to him? - Say, Madam? I said nothing.
I pulled up my tights and jumped out of the privy window.
Edmund, you are so naughty! Well, I try, Madam.
And then ten minutes later when I've got my breath back, I try again.
Perhaps we can move on to more important matters.
- Must we? - I fear so.
Lord Forest's son has been kidnapped and begs you to pay the ransom.
Edmund, what would you say? I have had experience of this dreadful situation.
Last year my aunt asked for my help in the ransom of my Uncle Osric.
Then you know something of the dreadful pain involved.
And can suggest no better answer than the one I gave to her.
- Which was? - "Get stuffed.
" You would jest over a young man's life? For young man read young idiot.
Anyone stupid enough to let some mustachioed dago say: "Excuse me, Meester" and hit them over the head deserves everything they get.
- You're in good fooling this morning.
- Thank you, Baldrick.
I heard quite an amusing story myself the other day.
Oh, good! - Excuse me, Meister.
- Yes, what is it? I said: "What is it?", not hit me on the head with I've changed my mind about that Forest bloke.
He is obviously very stupid, but we can't punish people for that.
If we did, Nursie would have been in prison all her life.
A very piquant observation, Majesty.
So I will sign this ransom, but it must be the last.
Absolutely the last! Final.
Full stop.
Never again.
Cross my heart and hope to die.
- Surely not "hope to die", Majesty? - All right.
I'll cross that out.
Here you are.
Sorry about the smudge.
- Excuse me, Meister.
- Yes? Oh, God! What on earth was I drinking last night? My head feels like there's a Frenchman living in it.
Where am I? - Who's that? - It is I, Melchett.
You really ought to get your house cleaned up.
This is no time for jokes, Blackadder.
We've been kidnapped! How incredibly embarrassing! As private parts to the gods are we! They play with us for their sport.
Oh, God.
Who's that? If anyone is going to be spoken to, it is going to be me.
- Tell him, Melchy.
- Certainly.
That's better.
Now, what's he saying? He would like a word with you.
Anything else? He would like to torture you as well.
Am I addressing a senior dignitary of the Spanish Inquisition? Good.
Because if I am, I wish to make it quite clear, that I am prepared to tell you absolutely anything.
No speako dago.
I demand to see the British ambassador.
For God's sake! How can you question me when you don't speak English? All right, let's start with the basics.
English is a non-inflected Indo-European language derived from dialects of How's that! Percy! Who's Queen? Whoops! Butterfingers! - So I win again.
- Yes.
Well done, Majesty.
There's definitely been no sign of Edmund? - I fear not, Ma'am.
- Why, then he has vanished.
Like an old oak table.
Vanished, Lord Percy.
Not varnished.
Forgive me, my Lady, but my uncle's old oak table vanished.
'Twas on the night of the great Stepney fire.
And on that same terrible night his house and all his other things completely vanished too.
So did he, in fact.
It was a most perplexing mystery.
Lord Percy? It's up to you.
Either you can shut up, or you can have your head cut off.
I'll shut up.
Bastardo! Barrister.
- Bastardo.
- Embarrassing.
You're embarrassing.
I'm embarrassing.
Rogering! Pregnant.
Baby.
Bathwater! Sounds like Bastard.
Donkey! Big bastard.
Little bastard.
Boy, man, father.
I'm a bastard's son.
Thirsty.
Thirsty bastard.
Thirsty barking bastard.
Oh, dog! Right, dog.
Woman.
Woman, dog.
Bitch! I'm a bastard son of a bitch! In that case, you're a fornicating baboon.
- Que? - Oh dear! - You - Tu? Fornicating Yes.
I can't really do it in this box.
- Tus testiculos.
- My Yes, those - Sobre un fuego grande.
- Over a large Fire! I got it.
So, let's recap.
If I admit that I'm in love No! Sorry! Head-over-heels in love with Satan and all his little wizards, you will remove my testicles with a blunt instrument resembling some kind of gardening tool, and roast them over a large fire.
If I don't admit that I'm in love with Satan and his little wizard you will hold me upside down in a vat of warm marmelade.
And remove my testicles with a blunt Oh, I see! Well, in that case, I love Satan.
Oh, it's a scythe.
I don't know.
I've looked everywhere.
Perhaps They're not hiding at all! Perhaps they've been kidnapped! Nonsense! Edmund said: "Only real idiots get kidnapped".
Do they?! Stop! Forgive me, Herr Blackadder.
I have been neglecting my duties as a host.
Please accept my appoloaggies.
I accept nothing from a man who imprisons his guests in a commode.
I hope this scum has not incoweenienced you.
It takes more than a maniac trying to cut off my goolies.
If he had inconweenienced you, I was going to offer you his tongue.
Believe me, sir.
If he had inconweenienced me, you would not have a tongue to make such an offer.
Let me assure you, Blackadder, if I no longer had a tongue you wouldn't have a tongue to tell me that if I had inconweenienced you, I would no longer have a tongue with which to offer you his tongue.
Yes, well.
Enough of this banter.
Who the hell are you, sausage breath? You do not remember me? I don't believe I've had the pleasure.
On the contrary.
We have met many times.
You knew me by another name.
Do you recall a mysterious black marketeer and smuggler called Otto with whom you used to dine and plot and play - at the Old Pizzle in Dover? - My God! I was the waitress! I don't believe it! You? Big Sally? "Will you have another piece of pie, My Lord?" But I went to bed with you, didn't I? For my country, I am willing to make any sacrifice.
Yes, but I'm not! I must have been paralytic! Indeed you were, Mr Floppy! Now, would you mind? "Such a disappointment for a girl" "It really doesn't matter! We'll try again in a few minutes.
" We are proud of our comic serving-wench voice, aren't we? Just because we can say zur instead of sir.
The tedious little turd who keeps putting on amusing voices.
- Be quiet! - What else in your repertoire? A brilliant drunk Glaswegian, no doubt.
An hilarious black man: "Where am dat watty-melon" I can't wait for your side-splitting poof and that funny croaky one who isn't anyone in particular.
I like the one you do all the time.
The fat-headed German chamberpot.
You talk too much, Blackadder.
I think it's a case of werbal diarrhoea that you are having.
I should, perhaps, tell you I have given the Queen a week to reply to my ransom demand.
Unless she pays up, you die.
Howwibly.
She will pay up.
And within a week, you die.
Howwibly, howwibly.
You find yourself amusing, Blackadder.
I try not to fly in the face of public opinion.
A week from now you'll be less in the mood for being amusing.
Well, at least I can be amusing.
Choose your next witticism carefully, it may be your last.
Guards! Fetch his friend.
Ein, zwei, ein, zwei Oh no, please! - We meet again.
- Don't think we've had the pleasure.
- You do not recognise me, then? - No Let me refresh your memory.
In Cornwall, at the monastery.
- The old shepherd.
- Good Lord! Dimkins? Yes! I was one of his sheep.
- One of his sheep? Not Flossy? - Yes! - But didn't we? - Yes, Lord Melchett.
- Baa! - Oh, my God! But enough of such pleasant reminiscence, eh? The guard has found an interesting document in your clothing.
The Queen will only pay one ransom.
Absolutely the last.
Final.
Full stop.
Never again.
Cross my heart and hope to be spanked until my bottom goes purple.
She has a difficult choice in front of her.
Not really.
Bad luck, Melchers.
Life is overrated, I reckon.
Well, gentlemen, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do.
Evil plots don't just make themselves, you know.
Dear Qveen.
I, evil Prince Ludvig the Indestructible, have your two friends and you must shoose between them.
The ransom is one million crona.
Many, many appoloaggies for the inconweenience.
What a difficult choice! It isn't the first difficult choice you've ever made, little tadpole.
In the old days, it was all difficult choices.
Should you have Nursie Milk or Moo Cow Milk? But then left breasty-dumpling or right breasty-dumpling? Of course, it was always both breasty-dumplings.
Shut up, Nursie! This is very confusing.
Lord Percy, play a while to calm my spirits.
Certainly, Ma'am.
Patty-cake, patty-cake, baker's man.
You're it! Ring-a-ring o'rosie, all fall down.
What say you, Blackadder, I sing a song to keep our spirits up? That depends on whether you want the slop-bucket over your head.
Well, perhaps some pleasant word game.
All right.
Make a sentence out of the following words: Face, sodding, your, shut.
We must do something to relieve our minds of the fate that awaits us! Awaits you, Melchy.
Not me.
How's my beard looking? Alas! Shall I never see England more? Her rolling fields? Her swooping swallows And her playful sheep.
- About time.
- Gentlemen, the answer has arrived.
Well, thank God! I'm sick of this place.
The conditions are just disgraceful.
It's like a prison in here.
I shall read it to you.
Typical master criminal.
Loves the sound of his own voice.
After careful deliberation the Queen has decided to extend the ransom money on a big party.
Just impossible to decide between my two faves.
I've decided to keep the cash, have a whizzy-jolly time and try to forget both of you.
Hope you're not too miffed.
Byeee! What?! "Hope you're not too miffed.
Byeee!" As you can imagine, this makes me very unhappy.
Oh, I am sorry! But if you gentlemen were to tell me a way to gain access to your Queen, I might just be able to commute your death to a life sentence.
- Are you suggesting we betray her? - Oh yes.
All right.
Blackadder! What are you saying? What of loyalty? Honour? - What of them? - Nothing.
- So you will both play ball? - Yep.
Oh, what joy! See how you collapse before me, great and incorruptible English nobs.
So proud of your great big stiff upper lips? Gloating is a sign of insecurity.
Do you want to know how to get the Queen? I thought some kind of disguise.
I do a good Mary Queen of Scots.
Hoots, mon.
Whar's me heid? - What sort of party should it be? - A fancy dress.
I love fancy dress.
- Nursie? - I think it should be one of those where everybody comes with nothing on at all.
Shut up, then! I agree with you, Acting Lord Chamberlain.
If we're to forget our woes, then we should have as much fun as possible.
What's more fun than people dressed as frogs and rabbits and nuns? - And bits of wood.
- You're not going as a bit of wood.
- Aren't I? - No! How about a pencil? Should I come as a pencil? You always talk like this and always end up as the same thing.
- Do I? - Yes, you know you do.
Lassie, what does Nursie come to fancy dress parties dressed as? - I thought everybody knew.
- Everybody, except Nursie.
Tell her.
She always comes as a cow.
Yes, that's right! A lovely cow with great lovely udders.
I swiggle around going "moo".
"Come to Nursie Cow, you lovely little heifers!" What fun! - I want to be a cow again, please? - Shut up! - Isn't Nursie stupid? - She certainly is, Ma'am.
You see? We're having a good time already! We've completely forgotten about those chaps in prison.
What chaps? Ein, zwei, ein, zwei My friends, I come to bid you farewell.
The guards will die of old age, but their sons will attend to your needs.
Thanks for your concern, we intend to escape.
With your information, I intend to bring down your Queen and country.
The Master of Disguise will become the Master of the World.
- One thing, Ludwig, before you go - What? - Were you ever bullied at school? - What do you mean? This ranting and raving about power, there must be some reason for it.
At my school having dirty hair and spots was a sign of maturity! I bet your mother made you wear shorts right up to your final year.
Shut up! When I am King of England, no-one will call me Shorty-Greasy-Spot! Touched a nerve there, I think.
What good is it going to do us if we're doomed to die here? Don't worry, I have a plan.
With Ludwig gone, we won't have trouble overcoming the guards.
Germans are sticklers for efficiency, I've been watching their routine.
I've selected the moment when they're most vulnerable.
- That is when we will attack them.
- How? That is the most cunning bit Ein, zwei, ein, zwei This is it.
Don't forget, when they're at their most vulnerable.
Halt! Jingle the keys! Open the door! Greeting to the prisoners! Guten Abend, Englander-scum.
March to the table! Ein, zwei, ein, zwei Halt! Food on the table: ein, zwei! Spit on the food: ein, zwei! Insulting further gestures to the prisoners: ein, zwei! Now! Trust me to get the hard one! Off with their heads! Ma'am, it is brilliant! Your father is born again! Bally well hope not, or else I won't be Queen anymore! Yours is pretty good, too.
What is it? It's nothing, Ma'am.
Just a mere trifle I threw together.
Doesn't look like a trifle.
Looks more like a fruit salad.
I see Nursie's really excelled herself.
Yes, she has.
I'm not sure about this, though.
- What are you meant to be? - A pencil case.
Yes! Oh, it's just like parties I had when I was tiny.
We had tea and cakes and venison.
Then a trip with a couple of little friends to the executions.
If I wanted my little friends executed, that is.
How I do wish Edmund could be here.
He always loved parties, and always, always wore very, very tight tights.
Edmund who? Edmund Blackadder! - Oh, Edmund.
But - Have I ever missed a party? - But what about Lord Melchett? - Yes, unfortunately, he made it too.
Joy beyond measure! Bliss which cannot be counted on fingers.
Baa! - Sorry, Edmund? - Nothing.
Yes, unfortunately, apart from my nose getting a little prettier, nothing much has changed around here.
Your animal still isn't house-trained, Percy's still unemployed, and Nursie's one stick short of a bundle.
- Moo! - Thank you for reminding me.
Nursie! You've killed Nursie! That's horrid.
Guards! Take him away and execute him! Can anyone help me with my udders? - Nursie? - Yes.
May I introduce you to our captor, Prince Ludwig the Indestructible! Queen Elizabeth, we meet again.
No, I don't think so, actually.
Remember when you were young your father used to take you riding on a magnificent grey pony that you used to kiss and fondle in the stable yard.
I was the tall and attractive German stable-lad who held him.
- No! - Yes! Shorty-Greasy-Spot-Spot? You will regret the day that you mocked my complexion! I shall return and vreak my rewenghee! No, you will die and be buried.
Hurray! Strange man.
But how did you know it was him? This was the information with which we bought our lives.
We said: If the Queen's having a party, then Nursie always goes as a cow.
All we had to do was escape, return and kill the cow.
How could you be sure it was not Nursie? Because Ludwig was a master of disguise.
Nursie is a sad, insane old woman with an udder fixation.
All we had to do was kill the one that looked like the cow.
That was Ludwig's mistake.
His disguise was too good! Gosh, Edmund! How brilliant! Welcome home.
- I must say it's good to be back.
- Welcome, Edmund.
- Did you miss me? - I certainly did.
Many was the time I said to myself: "I wish Percy was here" ".
.
being tortured instead of me.
" - We have missed your wit! - Did you miss me, My Lord? Baldrick, is it? No, not really.
And me.
Did you miss me, Edmund? Madam, life without you was like a broken pencil.
- Explain? - Pointless.
Beware all ye who lust for fame The path of life is most uncertain Prince Ludwig thought he'd won But now the Kraut's gone for a burton Blackadder! Blackadder! He beats the Hun by luck Blackadder! Blackadder! He's smarter than a duck Lord Melchett! Lord Melchett! Intelligent and deep Lord Melchett! Lord Melchett! A shame about the sheep Now this is a disguise I'm really going to enjoy! If I can just get the voice right.