Borderline (2016) s02e06 Episode Script

1 [Andy.]
Actual modelling? -[Tariq.]
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-[Andy.]
Oh, dear.
-How did this come about? -Just some scout came up to me.
-I was doing a set.
-Why? Yeah, right, it's [Tariq.]
The first shoot went really well.
They said I've got like a really good general face.
You know, I can do this one.
And then Oh, yeah, there's that one.
And then there's this one as well.
I've got another shoot tomorrow.
-Is it for jumpers? -No.
-Oh, hair.
Hair Wow? -Yeah, yeah.
-That's my brand! -[Andy.]
Oh, my God! -Oh, my God.
-That's Clive's brand.
No doubt about it I'm on my way Taking over I'm here to sta-ay-ay We're teaming together That's what I say-ay-ay One way to do this Taking over today! We're taking over We're taking over today [Linda.]
So what are we all doing at the weekend? -Car boot sale.
-[Andy.]
Parkour.
Wrong! We are having a workshop! -[groans.]
-[Grant.]
Fuck! With stand-up comedienne Eleanor Wilson, who's going to teach us strategy, dealing with the public and communication, all through games and role play.
-Fuck! -Oh, come on! It might help us be better employees.
You might even enjoy it.
Andy! -You are not pulling a sickie.
-I've never pulled a sickie.
What about the away day? What was it you had again? Consumption, wasn't it? I was reading Jane Austen and I thought that was still a thing.
Well, no consumption! Except of alcohol in the pub after! OK, you can all go.
-You OK? -Yeah, why? -You've got a cough.
-Oh, er, no.
I was just trying to get out of the workshop.
It's Saturday morning and the agents file in with boundless enthusiasm as they give up their weekend for voluntary, mandatory training with comedian Eleanor Wilson.
So you're primarily a comedienne? Comedian, not comedienne.
You wouldn't say "doctress", would you? Well, why don't you talk me through what's going to happen in the workshop? You don't remember me, do you? Sorry I? Should I have seen you in something? Maybe if I had mayonnaise and ketchup smeared all over hair, you might remember.
"Stop it, stop it!" [gasps.]
Lezzer Lennie! We were at school together she had a nervous breakdown, moved to Birmingham.
God, Lezzer Lennie! In those days, it was different.
If you called someone a lezzer, it was a term of endearment.
It's not like that anymore.
Wouldn't say it now.
Oh, God! [laughs.]
-Oh, we were terrible girls, weren't we? -Yeah.
Well, you were.
So the workshop, tell me more.
It's all in the literature, which I'm sure you've read.
Learning through role play with particular emphasis placed on status.
So good to see you.
[Clive.]
Hey, how was your modelling shoot last night? [Tariq.]
Er, it was alright, it was cool.
-What was it for? -It was like a general shoot.
Kind of non-specific pharmacy or something.
Wait, did you have to make a face like, "Aaah!"? Whoa! It's not that bad, is it? We haven't even started yet.
Hello, everybody! Welcome, welcome to my workshop.
My name is Eleanor Wilson.
We're gonna have fun over the next couple of days.
We're gonna workshop, we're gonna role play.
We're just gonna generally shake things up a bit.
First of all though, very, very important for the workplace, -is trust exercise.
-Aaagh! Right, now, you see what happened there? That shows you have to have your wits about you at all times.
-Proctor, thank you.
-Aagh! OK, so let's throw these balls around! There you go! I like to think I help people to escape and yet at the same time to find themselves.
I want them to leave their cage and fly, and that's why I do the workshop.
That and the fee.
I've got quite a big, quite a big mortgage.
Now there's another muscle that's very important, especially in your job and it is here.
It's the vocal chords.
So can you help me, Proctor? Oh, yeah, sure.
Say "I love you.
" What? -Say "I love you.
" -I love you.
-Lower.
-I love you.
-Lower.
-I love you.
-Higher, now higher.
-I love you.
-Higher, like a little baby.
-I love you.
Walk like a little baby.
Love you, love you, love you.
Hunchback of Notre Dame, but he can be English this time.
-I love you, I love you.
-Yes, yes.
You're a monkey! -You're a talking monkey.
-I love you.
I love you.
Show me the monkey, show me the monkey, that's good! Now you're a diva! Sing! Opera sing to the back of the room.
-Come on, high note! -I love you, I love you! -I love you! -And relax.
Sit.
As Proctor begins to suspect she may be in for a long day, baggage handlers Mo and Suj muse on their exclusion from the session.
[Mo.]
Who wants to go there anyway? It's some guy like, "Oh, why don't we role play to be trees?" -Come on, bruv.
-I could be good at that.
-Bruv, no, you couldn't.
-I'll do it now look.
Alright.
What's that one? The willow tree and that? Oak? Oak.
Oh, that's interesting.
Palm tree in the tsunami? Last one.
Yeah, waves.
What? [whispers.]
It's got conkers on it.
-Huh? -Conkers.
-Conkers.
-Conker tree! -Horse Chestnut tree.
-Five out of five for me.
Four trees, five out of five.
-Was it only four? -It's five out of five.
Cut that bit off there, bossman, you understand? I can do my times tables, 2, 4, 6, 8, 12.
10, 12.
-OK.
Where's Larry? -[all.]
Larry! As the morning progresses, slowly but surely, the agents begin to loosen up and engage with the role play.
Where's my bowl of fruit? Oh, Captain, you shouldn't be steering the boat! I'm not.
Someone else should steer the boat.
[Russian accent.]
My name is Vladimir and I am angry.
-Wonderful! Dorkus, Dorkus, have you been in the fields? -Yes, m'lady.
-How did you discover the body? -It was lying on the ground? What happened to the voice you created? The butler voice? [same voice.]
It was lying on the ground.
-Howdy there, partner! -Er, howdy, partner.
-Good old animals.
-How are you, Dorkus? Not bad, m'lady.
Proctor, be my poodle.
Will you be my poodle? No, I wasn't remotely embarrassed.
It's part of my job to model really good presentation skills and improvisational skills, and just to be game, you know? I think I achieved that today.
-Does everybody love my poodle? -[all.]
Yes.
Isn't he wonderful, isn't he wonderful? Very good.
Now beg, beg, Proctor, beg.
I mean, it's just a crock of shit really, isn't it? -Hello.
-Hi.
-You've been really wonderful.
-Oh, thank you.
He's been talking about spreading out.
Well, you know sometimes DJ's now present as well, so they have like personalities on stage.
Yeah, but that's the problem, erm You need to have a little bit moreyou know? -Projection? -Not projection, erm -something to do with -It's like charisma? Charisma, you need to have more charisma.
-Ah! -OK.
After an exhausting morning, over lunch, some of the team discuss how much they've enjoyed the subtleties of the improvisation.
The bit when you had to be a dog and you were doing a wee.
[laughs.]
But it's the self-confessed cynic Andy Church who's most surprised at how much she's enjoying herself.
Yeah, yeah, I really like Eleanor, she's really nice.
We were just chatting and talking and sharing stories, and memories and, yeah.
I think what I'm doing here is describing a normal conversation, which is nice, because it's unusual.
Andy isn't the only agent fascinated by the charismatic Eleanor Wilson.
As the rest of the team prepare for the afternoon session, Grant Brodie pops over for a chat.
How did you get into this business? Well, my ex-wife encouraged me to Wife.
You're a lesbian.
And what about you? Do you have a husband? I assumed you were gay, what with the beard and the look.
I thought you were a bear.
That's what the gay lads call your type.
-Do they? -Yeah.
No.
Where I come from, having a beard is pretty much an emblem of masculinity.
Cos you'll find that even a lot of the Scottish rugby players, like those guys, they've all got beards too.
-You like the Scottish rugby team? -Yeah, I do.
-Yeah, I bet you do.
-A lot.
Would you like a banana? No, thank you.
Bit bruised.
Ah, well -See you back in there.
-Yeah.
After a relatively uneventful afternoon session, team bonding is scheduled to continue in the pub.
Everyone reflects on what a good time they've had today.
No, I have not had a fucking good time today.
I've been ritually humiliated, acting like a fucking poodle in front of all my staff.
Now I've got to go to the fucking pub! Can you not, actually? So, Eleanor, she's a lesbian.
She's got an ex-wife.
I offered her a banana, she said no.
-What we playing? -Do you know what the capital of the Ukraine is? Hmm, no.
Just have to hope it doesn't come up.
Another one? Nope, just me? Sorry.
-Yeah, they never asked her.
-[Eleanor laughs.]
-Oh, I'm gonna get some nibbles.
-OK.
-Hey.
-Mmm.
-Hey, you winning? -Er, no, Clive's playing.
Oh, right.
Yeah.
OK, well, sorry.
[laughs.]
Erm, Eleanor's nice.
Yeah, yeah, she's really nice, yeah.
Really nice.
We were just having a chat about her ex-wife.
Er, yeah, she's taken a liking to you, I suppose.
-Ah, see you later.
-Ah, there we go! That'll help.
Just crisps, I'm afraid I don't do nuts.
-So Andy, Andy, Andy, Andy -Yeah, yeah.
Tell me about yourself.
Have you got a partner? No, no boyfriend or girlfriend, in fact.
I don't have either of those, erm, friends.
But if You know, just I think sexuality's quite fluid.
-Yeah, I'm open.
It's -Polymorphous.
Yeah, that's a good word.
I don't know why I said that.
I'm straight.
I do know why.
It's because if someone makes an assumption about me, I'm too much of a coward to correct them.
My landlord thinks that I'm Australian.
[Australian accent.]
And I cannot afford to move.
-Well, that's my Uber.
-Oh, can I have a lift? Oh.
where you going? I'm at the Travelodge.
I could That would make more sense actually because you You live right next to me, so, yeah.
-Thank you.
-Yes? -Cool.
-Okey-dokey then, girls.
-See you bright and early.
-Absolutely.
-Well done.
-[Grant.]
This is great.
What's Robert De Nero's character in Goodfellas? Mean? -Yeah.
-Oh.
Morning! It's bright and early on Sunday morning and the team are back in for their second day of training workshops with Eleanor Wilson.
-I'd like coffee, please.
-Right, great.
Thanks.
Cheers.
Thank you.
Sorry, your eyes are extraordinary.
-Oh, thanks.
-I would call that colour faded denim.
-Colour's extraordinary.
-Thanks.
Oh, God! Jesus! Oh, sorry.
Ooh, you're overflowing, my dear.
[mobile rings.]
Oh, sorry, sorry! It's OK.
I'll clean it, I'll clean it up.
Unfortunately for Andy, certain of her colleagues are having issues of their own.
-Hi, Proctor.
-And she may not get quite the support she was hoping for.
No, you're not! No, you're not! No, I'm Face Timing you.
I don't believe you.
[Face Time tone rings.]
Where are you? Are you at home? Oh, hi, Andy.
Hi, I'm really sorry.
I'm just really not well.
I'm not gonna make it in today.
No, you're not! You're fine.
Look at you.
Do you know what? I think it might be consumption.
Bye.
No, no, I need you here, Proctor.
Proc Proctor, you fuck! You fucking fucking fuckface! -Hi.
-Hi.
That was Proctor.
Unfortunately, she's got -She's ill and can't come in.
-Is she? -Yeah, so we're a woman down.
-[laughs.]
Mmm.
Yes, sorry, I didn't mean OK, don't worry, darling.
Let's crack on, shall we? Proctor may be off sick, but despite not being invited to the training sessions, baggage handlers Mo and Suj are hard at work, as always.
Sick? No, not me.
I am here every single day, every day of the week.
Bank holiday Mondays, bank holiday all the bank holidays, you find me here, you understand? Yeah, but you don't do any work when you are here.
Yeah, but you know Upstairs, after another full and productive day of training, Eleanor starts to wrap up the session.
The colour blue, the colour blue.
The colour blue.
Lift it, lift it, lift it.
Lift it.
Take it up, take it up, take it up, take it up.
Take it up, take it up! Take it do-o-o-o-own.
Open your eyes.
Well done, well done! -[applause.]
-Fantastic, well done.
Well done.
That was great, that was great.
Oh, well, I think we can safely say that we really, really trust each other now, yeah? Let's put that trust to the test.
One final game.
Andy, will you step out here, my love? Thank you.
Big round for Andy.
She's been great.
-[applause.]
-We're gonna do a little trust exercise.
Now if you stand here, my darlin'.
Stand here, stand here, and just -Relax, lift -I'm relaxed.
-Lift your Lift your arms.
-Oh, right, sorry.
That's it.
Oh, Jack, I'm flying! [laughs.]
Now, what I want you to do is just fall back on me.
Just trust me, I'll catch you.
Fall back on me.
-Great, yeah.
-And go! Whoa! See? Wonderful.
Very well done.
She trusts me so she relaxes.
And when you relax, Andy, what do you do? -You do your best work.
-You do your best work.
Wonderful.
OK, well, that's the end of the workshop.
I so hope you've enjoyed it, cos I've really enjoyed working with you.
Give yourself a round of applause.
You've been fantastic.
Oh, sorry.
There you go, there you go.
Wonderful! It's been a successful weekend's training and although Proctor is suffering at home, she still finds a small way to make her presence felt.
Thank you.
Eleanor? That's a delivery from Proctor.
-Oh, from Proctor? -Yeah.
Thanks.
"Thanks for the workshop.
PS, for what it's worth, sorry.
" Well, who wants some fizz? -Oh.
-Come on! -Yeah, sure.
-Not for me.
That makes me wild like a fox.
But I'll probably have a pint in the pub.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna just join Grant and, embarrassing to say, but that stuff makes me poo like a piggy bank.
-Oh, no! -I'm alright as well.
-Have fun though.
-See you in the pub maybe later, yeah? -It's just us then.
-Yeah, yeah.
Just a small one, cos I haven't, erm, had dinner.
-Cheers! -Cheers.
Cheers, darling.
Mmm! -Mmm! -Ooh, the bubbles! -What about the fruit bowls? -Yeah! Yeah, I didn't know which fruit to be! As they head to the pub, Clive and Grant are treated to an update on Tariq's fledgling modelling career.
Ah! Ah! Oh! [laughs.]
Guy, look! You could've had a glass of champagne.
[laughter.]
-I'm gonna have to get a -That's amazing.
Guys, no, please.
Are you kidding me? -This is so cool.
-Take a -It's a whole body.
-No, guys, come on, please.
Eh, Tariq! It's number one in the UK.
That means it's the best advert in the UK.
You gotta be happy with that? A little later, in the office, Andy has nervously drunk almost all of the bottle of champagne to herself and is starting to feel a little worse for wear.
Oh, God, these lights are so oppressive.
Yeah, sort of mind control.
Why are you here? Cos I work here.
[laughs.]
I think you're too good for this place.
It's weird that a girl that works in an airport like this doesn't want to fly away somewhere.
Don't just think about it.
Shall we go to the pub then? Shall we finish Let's go to the pub! Oh, wow! Oh! Half a bottle of champagne, she's a cheap date.
-Right, show me where this pub is then.
-Yeah, God! [blows raspberry.]
And then a voiceover, "Has this ever happened to you? You need StopT!" You want to have, like, a big acting career.
Like, a big director could be going through the airport.
He'll be like, "Oh, my God! That's the diarrhoea guy.
Get him in my movie!" -It's really likely, yeah.
-You've got a thing now that people will always associate with you, which is great.
-My career in diarrhoea.
-Like a brand now.
Loads of people will know you from travelling.
They're back from holiday and they're like, "Oh, my God! I was like looking at your face on the packet when I was like -[strains.]
-Fuck it! I'm getting rid of it.
One of the biggest killers in the Third World.
I think, like, Brad Pitt.
He started off like that.
With diarrhoea? Thank you.
Ah! As Tariq rushes to remove his life-size cut-out from public view, Andy attempts to remove herself from her own embarrassing situation.
-Are you alright? -Yeah, yeah! God, yeah, sorry.
-I'm a bit of a lightweight.
-You should've eaten something, I suppose.
-That, yeah.
-Actually, you know what, I think it would be better if I went back to the hotel.
Now, Andy, you're wonderful and I want you The thing is that I, erm I have a boyfriend.
It's Yeah, it's Tariq.
-Yes.
-So it's a secret and I Andy, I was going to say I want you to have my card, in case you want to do any more impro, yeah? Oh, I'm sorry! Listen, don't be.
It happens, all the time.
That's really stupid! OK.
You're lovely, but you're not my type.
-Right.
-I like them Actually, Proctor, she was my first crush.
But, er, don't tell her.
-Are you gonna be OK? -Yeah, yeah.
-Are you sure? -Yes, yeah.
I'm just gonna go home too.
-Alright then, my darling, thank you and bye-bye.
-Thank you.
-Sorry.
-No! Bye.
[laughs.]
Oooh! Shut up! You did not see any of that.
Please don't leave and be a model.
Cos I do actually quite need you.
As our cameras move on from Northend Airport for another year, we leave Tariq concerned and a little confused by Andy's actions.
Meanwhile, now that Grant and Clive are in the pub, Proctor has made a startling recovery and manages to join them, where their weekend and their journey ends on a massive high.
What is the capital of the Ukraine? Oh, my God! Oh my God! It's Reykjavik.
-It's Edinburgh! -Kiev! [cheering.]
-How much is it? -Three pounds.
[cheering.]
No doubt about it I'm on my way Taking over I'm here to sta-ay-ay We're teaming together That's what I say-ay-ay One way to do this Taking over today! We're taking over We're taking over today