Brickleberry s02e06 Episode Script

So I was thinking, Woody, you should buy me a new pet.
Hell no.
Every time I do, you do a shitty job of taking care of it.
That is nonsense.
I am totally responsible.
Oh, really? Who are we to question God's plan? Sure, I've missed a couple vaccinations and meals, but you can't pin that hamster suicide on me.
Wasn't that the cutest little suicide note you ever saw? Look, I've changed.
I promise I will not let another pet die on my watch.
Wait a minute.
What happened to that pony I got you last month? Aah! Brickleberry! Brickleberry! Listen up, Rangers.
Brickleberry is hosting the Ranger Games for the first time this year.
I cannot stress how important it is that we win.
We're ready to rock! Uh, what are the Ranger Games? Only the most important competition between all the world's Park Rangers.
Ah, just watch this.
Ooh, wrong tape.
Here.
On the evergreen tundra of the world's most hallowed Park grounds, Rangers from around the globe gather to compete for the coveted Golden Acorn.
Goddamn Yellowstone has won the Ranger Games every year since 1908.
Ha ha! But now that Brickleberry's back in the games for the first time since 1982, their reign is over.
Why haven't we had a team compete since 1982? - Yeah, uh, nobody knows.
- I know.
Then in 1982 came the Ranger Games' darkest day.
Brickleberry's Woody Johnson was near flawless in forest gymnastics.
But he was beat out by 1/10th of a point by Yellowstone's John Radcliff.
What? This is hogshit.
Aah! I'm a winner.
You're being pissed on by a winner! At least you won the gold medal for being a self-serving asshole.
It's called cycling.
Yellowstone wouldn't have won shit if they'd have let blacks play in your stupid Ranger Games.
Instead, we had to compete in our negro Ranger Games.
Ah, Denzel, stop living in the past.
The Ranger Games have been fully integrated since 2008.
So what sport you gonna dominate, huh? Running? Jumping? Watching TBS? I'm gonna honor my hero "frozen toes" Carruthers, the first black figure skater, by competing in his event.
God damn it! The one time you could've been useful to me, and you pick the one sport black guys aren't good at.
That is so wrong.
- They're also bad at swimming.
- Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
I'll do the log deadlift event.
Lesbian super strength powers activate.
I like to run.
- Vag-first into boners.
- Shut up.
So I'll take the deadly animal dash.
And I'll compete in forest gymnastics.
Forest gymnastics? - Hey, that's my old event.
- Exactly.
I'm gonna make you proud, Woody.
And since when are you a gymnast? I always loved the sport.
They didn't have male gymnastics in my town though.
That didn't stop me.
Oh.
I see you went all out.
Was the Home Depot out of Mexicans? No, they won't get in my car anymore, since the pinata incident.
Gather around, boys.
It's payday.
You're paying them with meth? Why not? It saves them a step.
Plus, it makes 'em work faster.
- Thanks, boss.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
This bag looks a little light.
- Yeah, F.
I.
C.
A.
withholding.
- [Bleep.]
Obama.
Keep up the good work, and you boys just might get a raise.
Thank you, Obama.
Let's get back to work.
What the Wow, I can use that.
Yeah, this'll fit.
This ought to fit.
And who are you? Hobo Larry's name is Hobo Larry.
- Yes, Sir.
- Hmm.
Stray hobo, huh? Hey! Who the hell took a shit in my boot? Oh, that must've been my new pet.
Hobo Larry's sorry about that, yes, Sir.
- W-won't happen again.
- You have a pet hobo? You wouldn't buy me my own pet, so I had to make do.
Okay.
I see what's going on.
You're doing this to screw with me.
Well, fine.
You want a pet hobo, have at it.
But if you let this one die, it's the last pet you will ever get.
You understand me? Ever! Thanks, Daddy.
Now where's my other boot? Oh, God damn it! Hobo Larry was wrong about that whole shitting in the boot thing happening again, yes, Sir.
Aah! Aah! Whoa! Aah! Yeah.
This shit ain't for black people.
How's it going, team Brickleberry? Ready to kick some Yellowstone ass? I am.
Check this out, Woody.
Damn it.
I guess I should buy a male uniform.
But it was still pretty awesome.
Right, Woody? What Woody? Excellent, my new American friend.
Who are you? Rangers, meet the ringer I hired to ensure victory over Yellowstone Olympic gold medal gymnast Magnus Blickensderfer.
Gymnast? B-b-but that's my event! Oh, right, sorry, Magnus.
That's Steve's event.
You'll have to get back on a plane and go home to Switzerland.
- Oh.
Thanks so much, Wood - Oh, shut the hell up, Steve.
Magnus ain't going anywhere.
You suck at everything, and you're off the team.
Woody, you can't do this to Ooh, uh, your mm-mm.
I know! So you're really an Olympic Champion? Yeah, but only twice.
Wow.
You won two events? No, I won two entire Olympics.
Do you have a girlfriend? I'm saving myself for marriage.
I cannot how you say dip my meat in your fondue.
But I can eat the cheese all day and night.
Oh, my.
Oh, Ethel's just thinking with her privates.
I have a more intelligent question.
Do you smoke the chronic? Good, you're all getting to know Magnus.
I brought you breakfast, pal.
Ah, don't waste energy chewing your protein.
I'll handle that.
This'll digest nicely.
And the second that turd starts to crown, give me a call.
Woody, why did you replace me with this Swiss Miss? I told you, I'm good at gymnastics.
Well, it's pretty simple.
Magnus is a winner.
You're a - Steve.
- Don't feel bad.
Everyone seems like a Steve when you compare them to Magnus Blickensderfer.
Why don't you go back to your stupid country With its prosperous economy! And stick that Alemannic dialect up your ass? Will you stop using Wikipedia to insult him? Even if Magnus burping-fur-burger is this "ringer" you claim, there's one tiny problem He has to be a ranger to compete in the Ranger Games.
Right.
Thanks for the reminder, Steve.
- Boom! Now he's a ranger.
- What? - Hooray! - Hell yeah! You may have the badge, fondouche, but you're not a real Park Ranger, so stay out of my way.
Help! Watch and learn.
Ow! Hurts! Aah! Hurts bad! Aw, he's like the son that I didn't let drown in the lake because I was drunk.
Magnus is too big for the seat belt, yah? Yah.
Listen, Magnus, you seem like a nice guy.
- I like you too, Steven.
- I didn't say I liked you.
Look, I'll do anything to get back on the team.
So, I'm sorry about this.
Sorry about what So much for the ringer.
- Steve, are you okay? - How the aah! Hobo Larry, how many times do I have to tell you? No indoor fires.
Well, how is Hobo Larry gonna keep warm? You ever hear of the thermostat? I got a thermos and a bat, but the bat's dead.
Yes, Sir.
Look.
I just need to keep you alive for a week or two so Woody will buy me a real pet, okay? Now here, eat your dinner.
That's a good boy.
Yeah, this'll fit.
This ought to fit.
I appreciate you taking such good care of me.
H-Hobo Larry loves you, Malloy.
I love you, Hobo Larry.
Uh! Mmm-mmm, re-barfed beans.
What happened? We got into a wreck.
- What? - Are you okay? - Well, I-I - Some water? - A back rub? - Over-the-drawers hand job? Broke my nose.
Almost died.
- Hello.
- Wow.
They hate you so much.
Shut up, Mal oh, cool hobo.
What is he, a wino? Junkie? He's a schizo-wino mix.
I'm thinking of having his ears clipped.
You guys, open your eyes.
This jerk has you fooled into thinking he's the best thing since Viggo Mortensen erotic fan fiction.
- Well, isn't he? - No.
What do you even know about this foreigner? He could be a child molester or a convict or a terrorist.
Oh, that's rich a Swiss terrorist.
The Swiss are neutral, dumb-ass! Oh, boy, are you stupid.
Ugh! All right, everybody, back to practice.
Oh! Whoa! How you stop? How you stop? Screw this.
I'm getting a Trainer.
Yo, old-timer, wake up.
Hey.
Huh? What you want, punk? I was told that frozen toes Carruthers lived here.
- Are you him? - I used to be.
Now they call me "no toes" Carruthers.
Oh, man.
Did you lose your toes to frostbite? Hell no! Diabetes.
Oh.
It's an honor to meet you.
Listen, I need your help.
I wanna be a champion ice skater like you.
- Can you teach me? - Yes, I can.
Or my name ain't "no penis" Carruthers.
Damn, you lost that to diabetes too? Nah, frostbite.
I got drunk and [Bleep.]
a snowman.
Now let's get to work.
Steve, I brought your Spanx back.
Steve, are you okay? Go away, Connie.
I wanna be alone.
No way.
You're not going through this alone.
Okay.
This is weird.
Expressing your feelings is not weird, Steve.
I want so badly to win my event so Woody will finally respect me.
Maybe I can cheat my way back on to the team.
Steve, listen to me.
I know you're hurt.
But you can't take shortcuts just to win Woody's approval.
Oh, like you'd know anything about it.
Let me tell you a story about a little girl, we'll call her, uh, Connie, who wanted to play football so badly, she took steroids.
Oh, yeah! They destroyed her mind and body and turned her into a monster.
Connie! Connie! Connie! Connie! So the lesson is don't ever take ster Steve? I've never injected anyone with this many steroids before.
But that's why we call it a medical "practice.
" Welcome to Brickleberry Park and the 2013 Ranger Games.
Aah! Ooh.
Well, well.
If it isn't Woody Johnson.
I guess they'll let any psychopath back in the Ranger Games these days.
Radcliff, I will rip the head off your mother's rotten corpse and make her go down on herself.
Hey, who you calling a psychopath? Oh, man, I'm missin' the opening ceremonies.
We gotta get this training started.
- What's first? - Iron my laundry, bitch.
What? How is that gonna help me ice skate? How dare you question "crisp shirt" Carruthers? Now let's start the training montage.
They don't call me "breaking the fourth wall" Carruthers for nothing.
Mop that floor.
Cut that sandwich.
Wipe my ass.
I'm still not sure how bringing you a keg of Colt 45 is training to be What? I've been doing all these chores just to set up some stupid party? I knew that wasn't training.
You're right, son, that wasn't training.
- This is.
- Gettin' drunk? My secret to skating like a steed on speed is to do it while [Bleep.]
up and liquor and weed.
If it rhymes, it's gotta be true.
What is it, boy? Oh, no.
That's not one of your regular scabs, buddy.
That stray hobo bit you.
Oh, no.
Oh, God, no.
Bitten by a rabid hobo Son, I'm afraid we'll have to put your pet down.
But don't worry.
It'll be extremely painful.
- No! - Well, okay.
But if he shows any sign, you'll have to follow the American Medical Association's guidelines and "cap that cracker in his mother[Bleep.]
dome.
" Now taking the ice for team Brickleberry, Denzel Jackson.
Woo! I hope I made you proud, Mr.
Carruthers.
Mr.
Carruthers? Why, he died in 1998.
This is Silly Willie.
He has severe late stage Alzheimer's.
Very sad.
They don't call me "where the [Bleep.]
am I?" Willie for nothing.
Now, for our final event forest gymnastics.
Ha! Look at 'em, Magnus.
You've got Radcliff so scared, he doesn't even have someone to go up against you.
The Golden Acorn is as good as ours.
You guys, I'm really worried about Steve.
I can't find him anywhere.
Competing for team Brickleberry, the Swiss fist Magnus Blickensderfer.
And for team Yellowstone, the ranger of danger Steve Williams.
What's up, bitches? Steve, what did you do to yourself? I took a shit-ton of steroids, like you told me to.
I never told you to do that.
You implied it.
And now look at the Steve He's ripped! Did you work out at all? You have to work out? What the hell good are steroids then? Ah, doesn't matter.
I'm gonna win either way.
Uh, I think the 'roids are messing with your emotions, Steve.
Shut your fat filthy whore mouth! I'm sorry, Connie.
I always loved you.
Eat my balls in hell! Why would you do this? Nothing is more important than winning, Connie.
You're just jealous, because the Steve is a winner! Please, the Steve, listen to me.
- I'm your friend.
- I don't need friends.
I need to crush that ringer.
Okay, my balls just disappeared.
Oh, God.
What am I doing? What have I become? Everyone, can I have your attention? I have something to say.
Hey, Adele, shut up and sing Rolling in the Deep.
In a minute.
I, Steve Williams, am withdrawing from this event.
What? Why? Because I've hurt everyone I care about, including my nuts.
I thought winning was the most important thing, but it isn't.
Family is, my Brickleberry family.
I pushed all of you away, even this cool new guy named Magnus Bird-turd-[Bleep.]
.
That was a nice speech, the Steve.
And you're right, I will totally be friends with you.
Right after I blow this entire place up! Yah! Oh-ho! Magnus is a terrorist? I was right.
Yes! I told you! In your face! Oh, great.
I'm lactating.
Stay where you are.
This whole place is littered with bombs, all wired to this detonator in my Swiss Army knife.
But but you're Swiss.
How could you be a terrorist? Because the world mocks us for being neutral, for not choosing a side.
So I vow to destroy both sides.
I'm really confused by your message.
Hey, I'm Swiss.
I'm new to the whole terrorist thing, yah? Now shut up and prepare to die.
Sorry, guys.
This is all my fault.
I really effed us in the ass good, deep, and hard.
Not yet you haven't.
One of us has the power to beat Magnus The power of steroids.
Do it for Brickleberry, son.
Let's dance.
Don't come any closer, fat man, or everybody goes boom, yah? Easy now.
Drop the knife full of useless attachments, and we can settle this like men Through gymnastics.
You don't have the balls to take me down.
Literally.
That's far enough.
Death to some small part of America.
I thought I wired the scissors.
Magnifying glass? No.
Nail file? No.
Fish scaler? No.
Bubble wand? No.
Pregnancy test? No.
Lipstick? No.
Chapstick? No.
Stain stick? No.
Glue stick? No.
Glow stick? No.
Blow torch? No.
Smaller Swiss Army knife? No.
Baby dildo? Aah! You did it, Steve.
You saved us.
That was amazing.
Sorry I ever doubted your gymnastic skills.
The Judges have a winner for the gymnastics event.
Wait.
They were judging that? A perfect score for Steve Williams.
I can't believe it.
I won! I won! With that victory, the Golden Acorn goes to Yellowstone National Park.
God damn it! Die, Steve, die, die! It's like a hug A violent hug that's slowly killing me.
No, Woody.
There's no hope for him now, Malloy.
He's sufferin'.
You know what we've gotta do.
I know, Woody.
But he's my hobo.
I'll do it.
- Hello? - Hi, Malloy.
It's Dr.
Kuzniak.
I just wanted to let you know that there's no such thing as hobo rabies.
Turns out I was tripping balls on ecstasy yesterday.
Bye.
Poor old Hobo Larry.
I'm gonna make sure he gets a proper funeral.
One of these days, Malloy, you are gonna kill something that won't flush.