Catastrophe (2015) s02e06 Episode Script

1 Giving £15,000 of our money away without telling me is lying.
I wanted to help your brother, not mine, to keep a roof over his family's head.
Catherine dumped me, so I really want her to think I'm, like, "in danger".
That's what this is all about.
If I wasn't married If my marriage were in slightly worse shape, I would totally Olivia's made a rather serious complaint against you.
She no longer feels comfortable - working in the same environment as you.
- What? Earlier today Do you want to put the baby down? Hey, man! Terrific! Oh, I'm not high.
Great.
Ah, you mind if I put these in the back seat? Go ahead.
Oh, y-you know what? I-I fucked a plus size model back there last night.
I'm going to be honest with you, it was a bit of a mess.
Just like that, like like it was nothing, like, I don't This is crazy.
I don't want to talk about it in front of Melissa.
- OK, Melissa, could you give us a minute? - Sure And don't call me as a character witness in your sexual harassment trial, because I don't feel I could be very helpful, right now.
Uh, Melissa, just to get you up to speed, here, there's no trial.
- Don't talk to Melissa.
- OK, I see you're not interested in sane dialogue, so I'm going to go.
But we at least need to arrange a time - where I can - You can e-mail me.
- OK, uh, so w-when? - Just e-mail me.
OK.
Is your e-mail address still ImpatientShithead@Mean.
jerk? Yeah.
Yeah, it is.
Is yours still FatIdiot@BadBreath.
cunt? - I don't have bad breath.
- Yeah, you do.
Melissa, does he have bad breath? It's just too much coffee, I think.
It's not like halitosis.
You just need to drink more water.
Can you drive? I'm legitimately afraid of her.
I looked in her eyes back there and there's, like, nothing to lose.
"Dot cunt".
That's awesome.
Is that an actual domain name? Because if it is, I will buy that.
I think this neighbourhood could suit us.
Smaller houses, too.
Our house is just too big and showy.
- Do you know what I mean? - Yeah.
- Yeah, you have to keep it real.
- Exactly.
That was a Vietnamese restaurant till it shut down last week.
Who knows what they'll put there next.
Could be anything.
Yeah, could be a Betfred.
- Where's Rob today? - Oh, don't you know? Aren't you in business with him? You know Mum and Dad are mortified about all this.
- Y'know Morrises don't get divorced.
- We're not getting - Yeah, what about next time they go home? - divorced! How's Mum going to tell Dymphna Brennan? You think of your mum, waddling up to Dymphna Brennan cos you know how bad her hip is now waddling up, as if everything wasn't bad enough already, - waddling up to her - Shut up, Fergal.
And, just to be practical, your street value's declined.
I mean, you're old now and you've kids.
Think there's going to be something better out there for you? Pff! Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you, remember that guy you went out with at school, Connor Byrne, remember him? - Course, what about him? - He died.
I saw it on Facebook this morning.
He died? He's dead? Yeah.
That's your dating pool now.
Dead guys, letting agents maybe and your husband.
And that's it.
Bird in the hand, what? Ah, Dave? Oh, hey, man.
D-don't worry about this, it's This is just Friday.
Whatever, do what you've got to do, it's your house, but, ah, would you mind turning that video game thing down? Er, it's been on loop for a few hours.
Is that what the noise is? Oh, Sasha said it was inside our heads.
Oh, my God, I'm so relieved it's coming from there.
I thought I had a problem.
You know, Dave, I'm getting the sense this might not be the right place for me.
I mean, I-I can't bring the kids.
Muireann's just a baby, her skin's so porous, I don't want her getting a bunch of coke in her bloodstream.
This isn't coke.
This is krokodil.
Like I'd do coke around a baby! I love seeing you in my home, buddy, - Hey, Mom.
- So, I've just got off the horn with Sharon and, if you want my honest opinion, this is the best thing that could have happened to you.
Really? 'Cause it doesn't feel like it.
Yeah, I've spoken to Susan Greenburg's husband, Mitchell, and he says he can get you a killer lawyer who'll I'm not saying send her to jail but he can definitely get you full custody of the kids.
I don't want full custody of the kids.
No, you're right, start over, clean slate.
- I've got to go to work.
- No, you don't.
Sharon told me you're under house arrest for sexually assaulting some French woman.
- I didn't sexually assault anyone.
- I know you didn't.
And, even if you did, it doesn't define you, it's just a thing you did.
Oh, oh, oh, I-I've gotta go.
Did you know that you can actually message people from inside eBay? I will always answer one of those.
Goodbye, baby.
- Where you taking them? - Don't know.
Uh, we might hit a Stay And Play or we might fly out to Botswana.
Are their passports in the bag? First, that's not funny and, second, you would need a notarised letter from me to leave the country with them, because I looked that up and that will never happen.
First, it is funny and, second, I looked it up too and you're right.
- Hey! Bye.
- Bye, Mummy.
Bye-bye, bye-bye, have fun.
Does he ever use those pads when he you know, when he goes downtown? He uses a pillow.
Oh, OK.
More importantly, what's going on with you and Rob? Oh, I just I just kind of hate him at the moment.
I I gave up everything for him and he What did you have to give up? I had a I gave up my career for him.
My body.
I have to wear a padded bra now just so my giant nipples don't poke through, even when I'm wearing a fucking leather jacket.
Your nipples got big? My nipples got long.
Mine got big and long.
And he repaid me by lying about money and having a verbal sex affair with a French slut, who I've looked up online, so I've got no qualms saying that.
She had purple eye shadow on in her corporate photo.
You're disappointed he's not perfect? Well, that's on you, not him.
What? Take it from someone who's recently wrapped up her own imperfect marriage get him back before it's too late.
- A rose for my rose? - Oh, lovely.
A rose.
Before it's had the chance to fully blossom.
Plucked from my very own garden.
We're the only men here.
I thought dads were supposed to parent now? Not really.
It's like a meat market with a special on mum chops.
Nah, this well's poisoned.
They've seen me here with Sharon.
Ah well, the odds are good but the goods are odd.
Do you want to get out of here? No way! This is the most fun I've had in weeks.
You have all these plans for your life post-marriage, then you remember you're pushing 50 and the Sky football package is, in fact, quite competitively priced.
So, what's the plan? You want to rehearse your apology with me? - I haven't done anything wrong.
- OK, OJ.
- What? I didn't - Come on.
You put a down payment on an affair, you dish-faced American twat.
You let Emmanuelle know there's cracks in the dam at home.
And that stinks.
Stinks like French pussy.
Oh, and Frankie got a little cut on his finger.
- How did he cut his finger? - He said a man with a sword did it.
I didn't see any men with swords.
Right, well, I'm going to go.
Wait, well, erm, I just wanted to say, erm Well, I just wanted to sorry for some of the things I mean, I think it's, you know, maybe certain things I could have handled a bit better, I suppose.
OK, thank you.
Thank you? I-I just said sorry and you said, "Thank you"? Well, you didn't say, "Sorry", you said, "Sorry for some of the things".
That's not an apology.
It wasn't supposed to be an apology, that I didn't even want to apologise.
I've got nothing to apologise for.
I've got nothing to apologise for because I didn't do anything wrong.
What I did was like a fidelity traffic violation.
You told that woman, or as good as told her, that you think about fucking her often and you got yourself fired.
I haven't been fired, I'm just not allowed to go to work right now.
Plus, I'd say there was a pretty big difference between that and what I actually said.
If you didn't say it then it's what you exuded.
You don't know what I exude.
You exude black squid ink.
What are you talking about? That doesn't even make any sense.
- It makes sense.
- Hey! Just what did you gain for not telling that French cow exactly where to get off w-when she said all that shit to you? Did you want her to like you? Not everyone has to like you, you're not a puppy, you're an adult man with a wife.
Honest people who tell people how they feel when they feel it have people not like them, OK? That's what I do.
I-I have earned the right to have people dislike me.
I am very happy to have people not like me.
No shit.
- Let me call the Associated Press.
- And you know what I think? I think the truth is your marriage wasn't a fucking funfair 100% of the time, you child, so you had to have yourself a little escape hatch pussy at the ready.
Well Wipe Frankie's ass better next time because when I picked him up it was not clean and it made the car smell.
Oh! Hello, it's Sharon.
What are you doing tonight? Dave, something's burning.
Are you cooking? Hey! Wait, wait, wait, where are you going? - I'm going to get a hotel.
- No, no, no, no.
No, no you've got this all wrong.
I'm cleaning up my act.
See, I-I had Ken come over specifically to finish off the drugs with me.
And later I have a cleaning lady coming over, so now my home is a safe place for kids and their drugs - D-dads.
- Ah er thanks for letting me stay, Dave.
I-I'll-I'll call you.
Well, I-I'm going to bake a Key lime pie later, so w-why don't you come back then? For pie! Where's the toilet? Huh? Oh, it's it's just there.
Do you have another one further away? Watch whatever you want, eat whatever you want.
There's some coconut bullshit in the fridge, I don't know what it is.
Ah, please eat it.
Oh, erm, I noticed you had some little Heinekens from the fridge last time you were here.
I don't want you to drink, is that OK? Even a little can of when you're with my kids.
Well, there was nothing else to drink.
Even even still.
Just have some tap water.
From the tap.
Where's Rob? - Er, I don't know where he is.
- What, did he leave ya? - No, I kicked him out.
- Shit.
- You kicked him out? - Yeah.
That's nuts.
You all right? Yeah, I'm very all right.
- Wait, you kicked him out? - Yeah.
- God, that's nuts, that is.
- Yep.
So you said.
Right, I'm going.
I'll see you later.
Why do you think it's nuts? What's so nuts? Well, I I don't know.
He's just fit, isn't he? Yeah.
- Do you not think I'm fit? - What? Nothing.
Doesn't matter.
I've counted the beers.
Ah, for goodness' sake.
And Brian said if I'd been less brazen about it he might not have kicked me out.
Oh, right.
Yeah.
But I had receipts for lube from, like, - five different chemists in my bag.
- Right.
You know how you need a lot more lube when you get older? But I get to see the kids every other weekend, though.
- Ah! - Ellie, my four-year-old, called me a slag the last time I saw her.
- Christ.
- I'm not helping You know? So think about it for a minute before you move into a dirty houseboat with a tanning-bed salesman.
Even if he does have a massive cock.
- Look - No, I mean it's massive.
How's it going, lads? Yeah, I was just saying, do you know who you look like? Er, your PE teacher? People say I look like a filthy Natalie Portman.
Do you want a drink? Say yes.
- Uh, yeah.
- Love it.
Can I have an escort? OK, I'm sorry Um can you give me the phone number for not an expensive one? OK, sorry I I-I mean You're right and, plus I was only kidding! And you need to lighten up.
I'm just partying, if you wanna come up.
What's your name? OK, thanks, Kevin, maybe next time.
No.
Fucking Do you think they're talking to them about us? Ah, I doubt it.
We bought them those drinks on the understanding that they would then buy us drinks.
- Right? - Yeah.
Hang on! Did they just buy them drinks? You did not pay it forwards.
I'm going over there.
What? No, wait.
Don't don't go! Be patient.
Hey, Dave? Hey, Dave?! Dave?! Dave?! Lamp.
Dave, are you here?! Jesus, Dave.
Dave? Hey, wake up, man.
Wake the fuck up! Are you breathing? Are you breathing, you fucking 45-year-old heroin-partier? Hello? I-I have an OD.
My friend OD'd.
On Clark Street.
Hey.
- Want a drink? - Oh, no, I've had enough, I'll just Oh, well, yeah, I'll have a Diet Coke.
But what are you having? - Um, whisky.
OK! - Yeah, OK, I'll have one of those.
We thought we lost you to Elsa and Anna over there.
- Who? - Have you not seen Frozen? Oh, I suppose you wouldn't if you didn't oh, it doesn't matter.
So what's what's the deal with all this? Do you play with bear wrestling, whatever? No, it's CrossFit, baby.
Gross.
Hey, uh you ever been up on the roof of this place? It's pretty cool, you can see for, like, a thousand miles.
Really? Over full 1,000s? So, like, all the way to Namibia? Where? Na-mi-bi oh, it doesn't matter.
Come on, let's go.
I love a good roof.
- Hey! - I'm just going up on the roof! Where'd the other one go? He's in a stable for now.
I mean, he's in a coma, but the good news is that anything that is gonna happen has already happened other than death.
So, now we just wait, see what damage there's y'know, that's totally um, you know, that's to be figured out.
- That's, um, TBD.
- Jesus.
- I feel terrible.
- Why? Because you got mad when he lied to you? - M-men shouldn't lie to women - Don't feel you need to talk to me.
OK, I'll just be here by the vending machine.
And, only if you get the chance because this is a huge favour, but I put £2 in the machine for some chicken soup.
It's E-6 and no chicken soup came out! So, if there's a machine in the doctors' lounge, you co I'm just so fuckin' hungry.
Hey.
Hey.
Are you OK? Jesus! I don't want him to die.
I mean, cos I quite like him, but also he just made me feel better about me.
Thanks for telling me.
Well, who else am I gonna tell? Sorry, I know I smell like a festival toilet, I drank a lot last night.
- No.
- Brushed my teeth five times, I had a shower, I don't even know where the smell's coming from.
It's like my liver? I dunno W-where's Frankie? What?! Do you not have him?! He's at Ollie's.
How are you? Very shit.
- How are you? - Very not well.
Look, I've really thought about everything.
So have I.
So have, I-I think this is how I'm gonna get my head round it.
You hated your job, right? I mean, you really hated it.
And this French hussy waltzed in and made things exciting for a while and-and you let her, because y-you're weak.
- And stupid.
- And, yeah, and sometimes, when I feel worthless and ugly I go to the coffee place by the canal, because the Spanish guy who works there definitely wants to fuck me.
I mean, he definitely wants to and I let him want that with my body language and and sometimes my words language.
What I did is worse because I jeopardised everything.
- No, you just - What did you want? Some free cinnamon on your cappuccino? - I put my job and my family at risk - Yeah, well, maybe don't you know, - because I'm already finding it hard to - OK.
just get my head around the I don't want to be alone.
- I don't either.
- I don't feel safe in the house.
You know, on my own.
There's new night-time noise and it's not a fox, or a mou I don't know what it is but it's - There's a bad new night-time noise.
- OK.
I would like to help you identify that noise and I know you wanted to move the bed against the other wall, and you can't do that on your own.
Are they good enough reasons to stay together? Maybe not but here's another one I've been looking at flats and they're so expensive.
I'd have to move 30-miles away from you and the kids and I don't want to do that.
And, this is a tiny one, but as I look at you, all the reasons that I fell in love with you have come flooding back so much that I think I might throw up.
And, again, flats are very expensive.
I mean, they do sound really expensive.
- Have you slept with anyone? - No! I did jerk off a couple times at Dave's, cos his porn collection is, like, museum-level, but that's it.
Have you? - What? - Slept with anyone Course I haven't fucking slept with anyone! - Really? - Ha! No! No! I can't show this fanny to anyone it's a mess.
There's, like, scar tissue and I don't even wanna look at it.
The only person I can show this fanny to is you.
Can you show it to me right now? - Oh, shit, there's a guy.
- He can't see us.
OK! I love you.
I love you! frog.
Ribbit.
- Hey.
- Hi, Kate, it's, ah, Sharon.
How's it going? - Are you still with? - Am I still with who? What's-his-name.
From last night.
No! I am not.
I'm at home with my husband and my kids and I've just made a lasagne, and now I'm putting toys away.
- Good for you.
- Can you just tell me, approximately, what happened last night? There's a huge chunk of it I can't remember.
I dunno.
You went off with your man.
F-For what, like, like a minute? More like an hour! And then you left.
Like, with him.
Oh, shit.
Oh my God, what have I done, I can't even um Oh, God.
Oh, shit.
Honey! Frankie wants to show you the poop that he just did.
Before you say no, it's pretty amazing.
Sure.
Oh, God.
- Hi.
- Can I help you? Yeah, um, I need Plan B.
Like, a morning after pill.
Or whatever.
I mean, I probably don't but I'm just gonna I need the morning after pill.
Oh, shit.
You think Frankie understands the plot? It's just two cowboys fallin' in love.
I think he probably gets it.
I'm minding Muireann.
OK - Here you go, and ah, keep the change.
- Thank you.
Oh, um, this was in there.
Cheers.
What the fuck? Mmm.
You OK? Pretty spicy.