Chad (2021) s02e06 Episode Script

1
[MONA SNIFFLING]
♪
Mona?
Oh, shit, you're crying real tears.
Do you want me to
find a girl to talk to?
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
Stupid idiot.
Who?
It is Benoit.
I just broke up with him. [SNIFFLES]
For the third time, he cancels
his trip to come visit me.
And we were supposed to go
to the Spring Formal together.
I mean, I was really excited.
I-I wanted to go.
Uh, I'm just in shock,
'cause I was really
rooting for you and Benoit.
♪
What a dick.
♪
The sexy Frenchman is history,
and the road is clear
for my Chaddy Joon.
So, what is your next move, Mr. Stud?
Um, I think I'm gonna ask
Mona to the Spring Formal.
Wow. So bold. I love it, Chaddy.
I love it! Now, how
are you gonna ask her?
Oh, easy peasy. I'm
gonna have Peter do it.
What? No flowers? No poetry?
We are Persian men, Chaddy Joon.
The passion of Rumi beats in our hearts.
Rumi? That, like like,
that little robot vacuum?
No. The greatest of all Persian poets,
maybe the greatest poet ever.
In over 800 years, no one
has written so beautifully,
so profoundly about love and longing.
Okay, Hamid, no
offense, but straight up,
this Rumi character sounds like a simp.
He is a simp for romance.
You should read Rumi's
poems to inspire you
to go big or go home.
Alright. I'll take your word for it.
If there's one thing
I've seen on Reddit,
it's that the opposite
of a simp is a pimp.
♪
Peter.
Peter, I'm nervous.
Just promise me this'll go well.
This prom-posal has
to go well, you guys.
- It will.
- You sure?
Why does this band have three clarinets?
You guys are on some
clown shit right now.
What is happening, Peter?
This is everyone I could
get on short notice, Chad.
I don't even know what
sound a clarinet makes.
Really? It sounds like
[IMITATES CLARINET] Right?
Yeah. Like [IMITATES CLARINET]
I-I don't like that sound at all.
I didn't sign up for this.
A-Are you sure we have other
sounds that'll come out of you?
Alright, guys, you're part of a
really important day in my life.
I believe in you.
And now, to pump us up,
I'm gonna quote the feistiest
little poet that ever lived.
"His palms are sweaty,
knees weak, arms are sweaty,
there's vomit on his sweater
already, his mom is sweaty.
Spaghetti."
That was Eminem.
May his soul rest in peace.
D-Did Eminem die?
Yeah, he's still alive, Chad.
Why did I think he was dead?
Even better.
Okay, you guys, just
blast your hearts down
that hallway, loud as hell.
Cool?
Good luck.
I've never been to an
American dance before.
Is it casual?
- Do I wear long dress or short dress?
- Yeah. No, just casual.
Okay, fine, yeah.
Yeah, I'd love to come.
Cool, I'm gonna have a couple
people and a whole crew, something.
- That'll be really fun.
- Yeah, cool, cool.
Pick you up around 6:00?
Yes, that will be great.
- 'Sup, Chad?
- Kev-Nasty.
I do not like that
you are here right now.
Kevin's always everywhere.
Scram!
- I'm just kidding.
- Okay.
But, uh, see you Saturday.
Whatever back.
Bye, Kevin.
See you Saturday? What's that?
Oh, he asked me to go to
the Spring Formal with him.
Better than sitting
at home feeling sorry
for myself over that idiot Benoit, yes?
Yeah. No, that is much better.
Y-You deserve to bounce
on back and get back out there
and make sure that you feel empowered
- [BAND PLAYING "OLD TOWN ROAD"]
- Jesus Christ.
Kevin is getting a limousine
and a bunch of us are
all going together.
You should come to the dance with us.
Oh! I would totally normally love to,
but I forgot the dance
was this Saturday!
It's so loud, you guys!
I'm sorry, what is happening?
What is this?
I'm not sure, but I'm
actually finding it
pretty easy to ignore.
What?
I can't hear it that much!
Why is Peter here?
Oh, hey, what's up, Peter?
- Hi.
- PETER: How's it going? How's the thing?
It's going great, Peter!
♪
I think they're just practicing.
Kevin asked her?
Damn it. How did our
sweet god let this happen.
It makes no sense.
- You know what? You need to go to this dance.
- Why?
I don't want to watch
the love of my life
grinding K-Pop Kevin
on the dance floor.
How much longer, Madison?
A while. Your eyelashes
are flat as shit.
So what if she is
going with someone else?
There is no rule that says
you can't dance with her.
And one dance can change
everything, Chaddy Joon.
I still remember that one dance I shared
with Shayesteh Mirhosseni in 1979.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Okay, well, what the heck
is Shayesteh Mirhosseni up to now?
She's poking the shit out of
me on Facebook, that's what.
- From that dance?
- Huh.
I still need to find a date.
How How am I gonna
do that in two days?
[SIGHS]
What about that one
girl? What is her name?
You know the girl. High pony.
She sings "Thank U Very Much."
Ariana Grande?
- That is the one.
- [SIGHS]
Hamid, she's an international superstar.
That is not a viable option for me.
There's no way her flight
would get in on time.
Damn it.
I'll go with you.
Now blow on your eyes.
How do I blow on my own eyes?
You want to go to the dance with me?
[SCOFFS]
Random.
- Why?
- I don't know.
- It's a high school dance.
- With all due respect,
- literally who are you?
- I'm Madison.
It doesn't seem like you have
a ton of other options, Chad.
This is the most romantic
thing I have ever heard.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
Okay, peace signs.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
Now rock ons.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
Arms crossed back-to-back,
like detectives.
- Mm-hmm.
- This is so cute.
Chad, go stand next to Madison.
Mom, I have absolutely
zero interest in doing that,
- but thank you.
- Chad, stop ignoring her.
It's rude.
- Mother, I love you.
- Mm-hmm.
But there are wheels in
motion you don't know about,
so please trust me when I just tell you
there's wheels in motion
you don't know about.
I don't care what wheels are in motion.
You asked Madison to go
to this dance with you,
- so pay attention to her, now.
- Mom, look at her.
She's thriving, doing her little poses.
She friggin' tore one
of her sleeves off.
She's loving life right now.
Just be a gentleman
and talk to her, okay?
Fine. God.
I'll be a gentleman for you.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
So, how are you?
What are your interests?
I don't know. My uncle just died.
Okay. I'm very sorry to hear that.
Also, my grandpa died a few months ago.
Oh, God.
My grandma will probably die soon
because she can't live without him.
Oh, it's so romantic.
So, your family is just
dying left and right?
Yeah, pretty much.
And these are your interests?
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES]
- Oh, Kevin just texted me.
- The limo's here.
- Thank God!
Alright, well, everyone, stop talking.
The limo's here. Let's go!
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING RAPIDLY]
[DOOR CLOSES]
[MAN GRUNTING]
I love how your awesome little
Vespa matches your dress, Denise.
Thanks, it's a mobility
scooter, not a Vespa.
Yeah, Denise has chronic
fatigue syndrome, actually.
Okay, geez. I barely care.
Hmm. Okay. That was strange.
Hey, Mona, that hostile little
exchange just reminded me
I really like your dress.
Oh. Thank you, Chad.
It was my mother's. She gave it to me
Alright, guys, everybody's
gonna need to get in the car.
We're losing daylight, and
I do not see well at night.
So, less time on the road, the better.
Everybody, pile in.
After you. Ladies first.
I know that. [CHUCKLES]
Ugh. What are you doing?
I'm trying to sit next to Mona.
I'll talk you up to her, okay?
What the [SIGHS]
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Actually,
buddy Hey, bud? Little guy?
Come with me.
- Sorry, dude.
- What?
I'm gonna need you to
sit up front with me.
- Why?
- With that big-ass tricycle in the back seat,
- we got a max capacity situation.
- I just wanna sit with my friends.
Yeah, I know, that's
fine. You'll be with them.
It's just a different part of the car.
Come with me, and, uh,
you'll be my navigator.
What are you doing?
Dragging you like a toddler
'cause you won't get in the car.
- Let's go!
- I just wanna sit with my friends.
Sorry about the papers.
I'm studying to be an aesthetician.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC BLARING]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]
I should be back there with
my classmates and my crush.
There weren't enough seats. I'm sorry.
- What do you want me to do?
- [SIGHS]
Just hold Just Can
you hold it more like this?
Thank There's glare.
What would you have done
if I didn't sit up here?
I'd put it down there.
Could you just start with it down there?
It's better up here.
Don't read it. Just hold it.
Does anyone want to
change places with me?
You guys? It's really fun up here!
We're all good back here, bro!
Thanks, though!
Not talking to you, Kev-Nasty.
Just please always assume
I am never talking to you.
Okay, you're, like, right
in my ear when you do that.
You can just turn around.
Put your feet on that stuff.
There's no room!
There is room if you put your feet
just in all that stuff down there.
Ugh, you have a friggin'
mound of trash in here!
The hell's going on in your car, man?
Stapler?
How often are you putting documents
together in this thing?
You'd be surprised.
I'm gonna ask you a serious question.
Do you live in this car?
- Live?
- Oh, my God.
- You live in this freaking car!
- I don't
[INDISTINCT HIP-HOP
MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY]
♪
Wanna dance, babe?
Uh, I'm actually feeling
a little fatigued.
Can we go hang out for a bit?
Oh. Uh, yeah.
Oh, my God.
If I hear one more person
talk about your needs
and how tired you
are, I'm gonna lose it.
Um, w-we'll catch up
with you guys later on.
Don't take it personally.
Something's wrong with her.
♪
Okay, what did Mona say about me?
Tell me everything.
Who's Mona?
"Who's Mona?" She's the
whole reason I'm here.
That's who you were
supposed to talk about me to.
Sorry, but you didn't really come up
organically in our conversation.
Don't be such a narcissist.
God. Crap.
It looks like she's having fun with him.
Fricking Kevin.
He drives me crazy, but
God, that man can dance.
Can we go drink now?
My buzz is wearing off.
Buzz is When were you drinking?
- In the limo.
- Can we please table your sick little addictions?
This night's really important for me.
Just pipe down and be normal for a bit.
Oh, my God. She's such an angel.
♪
She looks so happy.
What are you doing?
I can feel your manic energy.
What are you doing right now?
What is going on with your body?
Hold my purse.
♪
Come on, Chad. Dance with me.
Let's make Mona super jealous.
♪
Oh, my God. It's totally
working! She's noticing us!
Dance harder!
♪
["PURPLE YELLOW RED AND BLUE" PLAYING]
All I want to do is ♪
Live in ecstasy ♪
I know what's best for me ♪
I can't help it ♪
It's this hopeless itch ♪
I just wanna feel ♪
Wanna feel ♪
Purple, yellow, red, and blue ♪
♪
When I grow up, I wanna be ♪
A movie star or on TV ♪
♪
'Cause workin' just
don't work for me ♪
But I can't focus feeling hopeless ♪
So I'll just sit
back, try to relieve ♪
♪
All I wanna do is ♪
Live in ecstasy ♪
I know what's best for me ♪
I can't help it ♪
Thank God. Kevin finally left.
- I'm gonna ask her to dance.
- No, you're not.
What? What are you doing?
Sorry, but your little
hard to get plan worked.
I'm totally into you now,
and you're not going anywhere.
I'm not playing hard to get.
I'm trying to dance with Mona.
My God, she's right there.
You are so unsupportive.
You promised me you
wouldn't do this tonight!
[GIGGLES] There you go again.
I'm so in.
I got a taste of that sweet Chad juice,
- and I need more.
- What?
Stop it.
This isn't even the dance.
Madison, you're too sexual.
Mona!
♪
- That you in there, Chad?
- CHAD: No.
Can I come in?
- Everything okay?
- You tell me.
I'm sitting here fear-squatting
on top of a public toilet
to avoid my sexually
aggressive child-date.
Yeah, I don't blame you
for hiding from Madison.
She won't leave me
alone for even a second.
I told her I had to
inject my insulin shots
just to get away from her.
You're not diabetic, Chad.
Yeah, well, I wish I was
so I'd pass out from it
right now just so I don't
have to see her again.
All I want to do is dance with Mona.
Well, Madison's been obsessed
with Denise's scooter,
so we could probably distract
her with it to buy some time.
My gosh, Denise would
really do that for me?
Mm, she'd probably be
doing it for me, but yeah.
I think she would.
We don't like her.
Let's give it a whirl.
- Thanks, Peter.
- Whoa, don't fall. Don't fall.
- Don't fall.
- Don't let go of me. It's hard to balance.
They wanna talk criticize the
swag, but they love it, hey ♪
All my fellas just thump
in your force one air ♪
This is "taughting"
them, no Jordans here ♪
Step up in the rave,
everybody gon' stare ♪
Stunner shades on, but
your "zuits" in the air ♪
So all my olders and
the youths in here ♪
Oh, hey.
- Chad.
- Oh, my gosh. Hi.
Where did you go?
And where is your crazy little date?
Oh, man, I literally have no idea.
I see Kevin is hardcore committed
to the Cinderella fantasy carriage.
Yes. [CHUCKLES]
[APPLAUSE, SLOW-PACED MUSIC PLAYING]
So, is this is a good time,
like, if you want to dance?
♪
I'd love to.
Are you feeling it, too? ♪
Do you feel it, too? ♪
Chad, I have a little theory.
Okay.
I think that the marching
band at school the other day
was you trying to ask me to this dance.
- Am I right?
- Oh, no.
T-They were just on their way to
Are you feeling it, too? ♪
♪
You're right.
I tried asking you to the dance,
and I had my ass handed to me.
[CHUCKLES] Oh.
Bad timing.
I wish you would have asked me first.
I would have said yes.
You would have?
W-What about Kevin and
his sexy Asian mystique?
Kevin is my friend, yes.
But he is not funny.
You always make me laugh.
I am not without my
charm, I'll give you that.
And you have a cute little face.
That is true.
I still have to work on my mind
and my body and my soul and my thoughts,
but I do have a pretty
solid little face.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Do you feel it, too? ♪
God, it's just a relief to
hear you say Kevin's not funny.
I've been saying this for years.
The way you say his name Kev-een
it sounds so funny sometimes.
I just say it the way I say it.
No, you say "Kev-een".
[BOTH LAUGH]
But it's it's cute.
I like it, and your funny
little way of saying things.
Thank you.
Are you having fun?
Yeah.
Me, too.
MADISON: Hey!
Get away from my king!
Madison. Madison, don't!
What are you doing?
Don't push her! What are you doing?
It was your idea to bring
me here to make Mona jealous.
I can't help it if I totally
fell for you along the way.
- No, wait, Mona
- I'm sorry, what?
♪
No, Mona, no. Don't listen
to anything she's saying.
- What is this?
- It's true, but it's not how it sounds.
It's not a bad thing.
It's a sweet thing of me.
I like you.
You brought this girl
here to make me jealous?
Why would you do that?
Do you really think I'm that stupid?
Of course you're not stupid. No.
Sorry, but he totally does
think you're that stupid.
- No. No.
- Which is why he's with me now.
No, I'm not with you!
- [FAST-PACED MUSIC PLAYING]
- Stop What are you ?
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
I'm
I'm not
I would Stop it.
Okay, whatever this
weird little game is,
I want no part of it.
No, wait, Mona.
Mona! What did you do?
Mona!
Madison, Denise's scooter is not a toy.
She just got super tired from dancing
and we couldn't find it anywhere.
Apologize.
Fine.
- Sorry, Denise.
- Don't be.
Peter yelling at you
like this is super hot.
Aw. Babe.
♪
Girl, get it, get it, girl, get it ♪
- Girl, get it ♪
- When will it end?
Girl, get it ♪
Yeah.
Yeah, no, we got kicked out.
He's so weird.
No, he's right here.
Yeah, I know, right?
Totally.
He does look like that. [CHUCKLES]
I don't know what I was thinking.
Madison, in case it's not
perfectly clear already,
I would love to never see you again.
You are such a messy bitch.
Hey, guys, just a friendly
request that you guys,
uh, don't have sex back there.
You can fool around.
I just can't In this car,
we can't do the whole thing.
Blair, how much longer?
Says about 45 minutes. Not too bad.
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES]
- Oh, wait.
52 minutes. It just updated.
♪
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES]
- 54.
It keeps doing the thing where
it's calculating, calculating.
♪