Changing Ends (2023) s02e06 Episode Script
He Thinks It's All Over...
RADIO: 'The Cobblers are a week
away from potential promotion.
'Can they do it? I know
I've got everything crossed.
'But now, here's George
Michael and Aretha Franklin.'
'Things were coming to a head.
'While my dad was
flying high'
Just take those
off for you, Alan.
'..I was down in the dumps.'
Now we'll put these on you.
'Headaches had become
the bane of my life.'
OK.
Now, is this better with
or without?
Oh, with, thank you, Duncan.
OK, let's move
onto the other eye.
Thank you, bye.
Oh, what a lovely man.
Delightful.
Duncan said my
left eye is a 2.25,
and my right eye is a 2.50.
You couldn't write it.
I was thinking about
going for a round frame,
but then Duncan said, "No, no,
just stick with the square frame,"
and I thought, "Do you know what?
Duncan, he knows his stuff."
I got my hair done
at the weekend.
Duncan's got hair. It's brown.
You all right, gaffer?
Hang on. Is that you?
'62 to '68.
Ah, we were tougher then.
Not as pacy, but
definitely tougher.
Feeling nostalgic?
Yeah, I am a bit.
20 years, gone in
the blink of an eye.
We just have to do the
town proud, you know?
SIGHING: Richard Hill.
This match could
make you a hero.
Yeah - people buying you pints,
women falling over themselves
to try and sleep with you.
It's not about that.
It's about inspiring
the next generation
to take on the
beautiful game. Mm.
And then they'll tell their
kids, who'll tell their kids
all about the time that
Northampton Town won the league.
I bet your kids are
absolutely buzzing about it.
Mm.
Oh, Jackie.
You know how I've been
getting those headaches,
and we couldn't find out why?
Well, I went for
an eye test, and
You're not Jackie.
Well spotted.
No, she's gone.
Got an acting job and
waltzed off to Corby.
Without telling me?
I mean, I knew she had a
callback for a musical,
but that wasn't for a month.
I didn't think she'd get it
Neither did we.
So soon.
'Dad said picking
a team was tough.
'But had he ever tried picking an
outfit for a post-match party?'
Hello? What do you think?
Perfect. If you wanna
look like a headrest.
Oh, Graham, please!
SHE SIGHS
Polka dots?
Oh, it's only C&A.
It's got to be right.
I'm gonna be standing next to
players' wives and girlfriends.
'Wives and girlfriends.
'If only there was a
quicker way of saying it.'
I'm gonna feel
like such a frump.
Look, have they dropped any hints
as to what they might be wearing?
What about Dawn? Or Moscow
Magda? They did, actually.
Maxine's wearing a little
blue off-the-shoulder number,
Magda's in a bikini,
and Dawn
has got a pretty little bonnet
on her pretty little head!
You look fine. I'm
not going for "fine".
Lovely. Lovely.
Ms Gideon's gone!
Oh, thank God for that.
She's just upped and left.
Maybe now you'll start
concentrating on sport
instead of flouncing
around in tights.
I need her!
No, you don't. You're a growing
lad, you can look after yourself.
You don't need bloody
Carmen Miranda
holding your hand.
'My dad, reading
the room as usual.'
PHONE RINGS
Douglas White Opticians, Pamela
speaking, how can I help?
Hello? Can I speak to Duncan?
Mr Harper.
I'm afraid he's at lunch. Can
anybody else be of assistance?
I just wanna speak to
Duncan, he'd understand.
Maybe I could help.
Well, I can't see
my friend any more.
Because of your prescription?
No. She's moved to Corby.
Is this a hoax?
'Wasting an optician's
time is criminal offence.'
'Criminal? Could
things get any worse?'
I've got AIDS, and my
girlfriend's on heroin.
I need my fix.
I'll even sell my telly.
Oh, Candy.
When I get a job, I swear,
I'll protect you
and the triplets!
WHISTLE BLOWS
Right, come on, let's
get out of here.
But we need feedback!
Ms Gideon always gave us
constructive criticism.
You were both
rubbish. Happy now?
Right, c'mon, break
time. Out, out, out!
Well, I enjoyed being
your girlfriend.
Aw, thanks, Kay.
I enjoyed being your
boyfriend-slash-dealer.
It could be good to see what
it feels like in real life.
You and me?
'Even blue slushy
hadn't put her off.'
What?!
Kay! What are you doing?
I don't know, sorry!
Is it the heroin?
Oh, God.
'Another person had
walked out of my life,
'leaving me with nothing.
'Well, apart from a
triplet-slash-pillow thing.'
MUSIC: 'More Than
This' by Roxy Music
Hey. Hey. I've told you before.
Do that top button up. Oh, no.
'Millennials will
never know the panic
'of seeing someone
you want to avoid
'and having to manually
wind up a car window.'
Hey. Hey!
Big game tomorrow, eh, Graham?
I bet It's all right,
I know what you're after.
Go on, take 'em.
Headmaster's privilege.
No, no, no, I just
came to say good luck.
Oh.
The school's absolutely
buzzing about the game.
I think even the bullies have
given Alan the day off. Ha!
You what? I'm not judging.
Not like some of the other
teachers around here.
No, just just
ignore the comments.
So what if you dropped
the ball with Alan,
you definitely haven't dropped the
ball with the Cobblers, have you?
Top of the league!
You don't get that by being
father of the year, do you?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up a bit.
You've got a lot on
at the County Ground,
and you're never there for him.
Hey, how are you to know
if he's getting a shove
here and an elbow there?
I mean, a little bit of
ribbing, it's normal, isn't it?
And he's coping with it.
Mostly.
You know what, I might
be in the minority here,
but I think you're doing
a decent job, considering.
Oh, hello, Mr Robertson,
everything all right?
Get in the car.
Oh You know, if those
tickets are going spare
I might wanna, erm
Get stuffed! Dad!
Oh, OK. That's the headmaster!
Belt.
Shoe Army!
Oh, that school run was tense.
I don't know what Mr
Robertson had said to my dad,
but I knew it wasn't good.
He'd driven home
without listening
to his Chris Rea On
The Beach cassette,
and he never did that.
Gary Gary
Eat your dinner.
Gary
"Potato waffle, Mr President?"
Boop, boop, be-doo! ♪
CHRISTINE CHUCKLES
Alan
Can I have another goujon,
Mum? Help yourself, love.
I've gotta keep my strength up,
I'm playing Jack the
Ripper tomorrow. Ooh.
Might borrow one of your
marigolds. Ooh, and an apron!
For Christ's sake,
Alan, will you shut up?
I've got enough on my plate without
you making a show of yourself.
All right, Graham. No,
it's not all right.
Is there any wonder kids
are giving him stick,
when he's acting like that?
He doesn't help himself.
'To this day, my dad doesn't like
my Marilyn Monroe impression.'
RADIO: For hardcore
Cobblers fans'
Say when. 'Today could
not come quicker.
'When I'm walking around
Northampton town centre,
'there is definitely a buzz.
'A win against Crewe
'will automatically promote the
Cobblers to the Third Division.
'I've been speaking to people
up and down Abington Street'
Alan! Get up, you're
gonna be late!
Why's he pretending
to be dead today?
He ain't got PE.
We're going to hit all the traffic.
I'll get him. Here you are, love.
Alan. Alan!
Hm?
Rise and shine.
Good morning, sleepy head.
Alan, come on
SHE SCREAMS, DRAMATIC STING
Graham! Graham!
Alan?
Alan!
Ange, have you seen Alan? No.
Oh, he's gone
missing. Oh, my God.
First Ms Gideon, now Alan!
It's like the Bermuda Triangle.
What next, my looks?
Say he's been kidnapped!
He might have been, but with that
voice, they'll soon give him back.
I've called the school,
he's still not there.
Biggest game of the
season, and he disappears.
I'll kill him when I find him.
IF you find him.
I'll go check my shed.
Oh, Graham.
Alan! Not in my ear, Graham!
Alan!
Alan! Alan!
Ch Charlie, what?
What? What are you
doing? Mum made me do it.
It's all right,
Chris. It's all right.
I'm doing a reconstruction
of Alan's last movements.
Charlie very kindly agreed to dress
up as Alan on his lunch break.
I didn't. No, you are
not. Get this off.
Ange, this is Above
and beyond, I know.
But I will not rest until
he is found, Christine.
Morning, noon and night, I
will pound these streets.
Have you had any
sightings? No.
Just abuse so far.
Right, do that annoying little
skip he used to do, go on.
And action.
MUSIC: 'Landslide'
by Fleetwood Mac
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Thank God, I've made it.
Are there any tickets
left for Calcutta Or Bust,
starring Jackie
Gideon? My friend.
Take your pick. Oh, great!
'Graham, he's still not back.
'I I don't know what to
do, I've looked everywhere.'
Listen, Christine, he's
teaching us a lesson.
He's an attention-seeker.
Sort your outfit for tonight,
and come to the match.
Graham, how can I sit
there and watch football?
'He'll turn up. Trust me.'
Look, I've gotta go.
Booker's refusing to play
because he's split up
with his girlfriend.
Oh!
Right. You soft bag of
'I wasn't proud that
I'd worried my family,
'but I knew I needed to be
near people who really got me.'
Alan? HE GASPS
No, it can't be. Alan!
Oh, you should be in school!
Oh, you've come all
this way to see me.
What a performance.
The other person in the
audience loved it, too.
Oh, how kind.
There's been some wicked whispers
that a woman can't play Gandhi,
but to hell with them.
I mean, once I've got that bald cap
on, there's nothing stopping me!
How did you change into
Mother Teresa so fast?
SHE LAUGHS No, don't!
You'll spoil the magic.
Anyway, enough about me!
God, I hate saying that.
Erm What have you been up to?
Not much, really.
Same old, same old
I should get going.
You're probably exhausted,
being in that harness.
Stop, stop, you can't come
all this way to see me
and leave after two minutes!
Are you all right?
Oh, Jackie, I'm stressed!
Nothing's going right.
My insides are churning
like a Zanussi on fast spin.
Oh! Mr Chapman took the
drama class instead of you.
He hated my performance.
That is like replacing a
parakeet with a budgie.
And it went weird with Kay.
She tried to kiss me,
and then she ran away.
Crikey, have you tried
changing your toothpaste?
Sorry, sometimes I'm too
damn quick for my own good.
Oh! And then I started
getting headaches!
Oh, I wasn't expecting
that reaction.
And a lovely optician,
Duncan. Really helpful.
He said my left eye's a 2.25,
and my right eye's a 2.5.
He's so clever.
Oh, well, I'm
I'm glad Duncan's helping
you to see more clearly.
Oh, he is.
Oh, look, you're getting
every emotion thrown at you,
but you'll get through it.
You'll survive. Do you know why?
Why?
Cos you're unique.
You're a one-off.
I don't know anyone
else quite like you.
Fab today, Jacks.
Hey, I popped that hummus recipe in
the clutch, all right? Thank you.
Oh, sprinkle some
paprika on it - divine!
Bye, boys.
Er, maybe less blusher next
time on Mother Teresa, Fabrice.
Oh, look. You had an
underwhelming kiss with Kay.
So what? You'll
kiss other people!
Love, it
It's like an egg, you can
have it any way you want.
Fried, scrambled, poached.
A little bit of tabasco
if you like some spice.
I like mine with
soldiers. Oh, do you?
Yeah.
Now, look, with my limited
football knowledge,
I think your Dad's got
a big game tonight.
Oh, he doesn't care if I'm there.
He'd probably rather I wasn't.
Tosh! We've missed
it now, anyway.
Not on my watch, Alan Carr!
SHE WHISTLES Jeremy!
Fetch the chariot!
Where we going?
It's like when Gandhi jumped on
the speedboat in your musical.
BOTH: Get me to
the Ganges, baby!
Got to get a better
outfit, probably.
C'mon, Jackie, sing us a tune.
Oh, no, I couldn't. No, stop!
Pack up your troubles In
your old kit bag and ♪
ALL: Smile, smile, smile ♪
Chronicle and Echo!
SONG: 'Pack Up Your Troubles'
Chronicle and Echo!
Chronicle and Echo!
CHEERING Can you
sign this for Fynn?
Are we gonna win today?
Oh, we're gonna smash 'em.
HORN BEEPS
Thanks, Graham, keep it up!
Dad! Dad, Dad, Dad, I'm safe!
Where the hell have you been?
Let's not worry about that now,
we got him here for kicking off!
SHE CHUCKLES We must
leave you to limber up.
Ignore the crowd, Mr Carr,
just, the noise of it all.
Just focus.
Because that's what
Alan is so good at.
Oh He really is
a remarkable boy.
You must be very
proud. Yeah, course.
I, er
I know he's been
missing someone lately.
Rather taken the wind
out of his sails.
One more game, and
I'll be back home.
THEY LAUGH
No!
No, I meant me!
Oh, yeah. Well,
of course you did.
But
I may be returning to
Easton Lovell! HE GASPS
What? You're coming back?
Well, there's a small chance
of a Broadway transfer
It might fall through.
And so, then, I will
be back next term!
That's amazing! Oh, isn't it?
Well, er, break a leg.
Bonne chance dans le foot.
Er, goodbye.
Come on. Inside.
Bye, Alan. Bye, Alan!
Up the Cobbles!
PHONE RINGS
Hello? Hello, any news?
Ah, he's here. I've
got him. He's safe.
Oh
'Where's he been?'
I don't know,
but he's just been dropped
off by the Village People.
Get your glad rags
on and get down here.
Oh, Graham, I can't.
I look a right state.
'Ange saw some disturbed earth.'
Thought it might have been Alan,
so I've been digging with a spade.
What? 'It was Janine's cat.'
We reburied it and
said an Hail Mary.
Look, I'm I'm covered in mud.
Chris, kick-off's in 30 minutes.
I don't care what
state you're in,
this is the biggest
game of my career.
I want you here.
I need I need you here.
DRUMS BANG, FANS CHAN
You happy now, hmm?
Get all the
attention you wanted?
I ran away because I was
sick of getting picked on.
I was sick of getting ignored.
No-one was there for me.
Lads!
Come on, little man. Cheer up.
No man too big for cuddle.
MUFFLED: Thanks, Magda.
Aw. That's more
like a bear hug.
Excuse me, ladies. See
you on the terraces.
Alan!
'Fun fact - the more
successful my Dad got,
'the more my mum
dressed like Prince.'
I've been worried sick.
Don't you ever run off again.
Do you hear me? Yeah.
Right, there you are.
It's from Duncan!
Yeah.
How do I look? Perfect.
Where's Kay? I don't
think she could make it.
Oh, why not? She always comes
to the big games to support you.
I don't know why, OK? God!
PLAYERS CHATTING
Oi. CHATTING STOPS
Right. This is the moment.
This is the time to go out
there and play your best game.
And I'm not just
talking about winning,
I'm talking about
making history.
In 90 minutes, you
can be champions,
go up to Division Three,
and earn the respect of every
single fan on those terraces.
And just think what
that means to this town.
Boys
Now, I look
at each and every one of
you, and I am so proud.
And I know in the past, I've
been swearing and shouting.
But, in fairness, Banjo,
you can be really annoying.
LAUGHTER
I haven't gone easy on you -
because winning a league isn't easy.
Life isn't easy.
You did that for us, boss.
Course I did.
HE SOBS Sort it out, mate.
HE BLUBBERS
So, for me
You go out there, and you
leave everything on that pitch.
No regrets.
Everything changes today.
That were beautiful, gaffer.
Now, let's get out there
and whip Crewe's arse!
Come on, lads!
ALL CHEERING Come on!
PLAYERS SHOU
Come on! Come on, boys.
Are you still crying,
Richard? You soft pr
MUSIC: 'And She Was'
by Talking Heads
CHEERING
Oh, I love your
hair. Oh, come on.
Come on, boys. Come on.
Who are we? The Cobblers!
That's what I like to hear.
Oh, he's got Murray
on the bench?
I've got a good feeling
about this, boss.
Glad someone has.
WHISTLE BLOWS
CROWD: Shoe Army! Shoe
Army! Shoe Army! Shoe Army!
Come on. Go on,
pass it to him.
Go on! Get in!
CROWD SHOUTING
Penalty! Pen! That's a pen!
Yes!
Come on, boys, you can do it!
Score the ball in the goal!
Go on, Alfie.
Come on, Alfie!
CROWD CHEERING, WHISTLE BLOWS
COMMENTATOR: And that
was Alfie Wellington
CHEERING
Better, better.
Go on! Whoo!
Can't believe it.
HE GASPS Kay! You came?
I had some persuasion.
About the other
day Please, don't.
I'm mortified. Yeah, but
Did you feel anything?
Not really, no. Yeah.
Me neither.
Well, that makes me
feel a bit better.
I mean, never say never.
If we're still single when
we're old, let's try it again.
Say 30?
Make it 40.
Push up. Hold that
line! Hold that line!
CROWD SIGHING
COMMENTATOR: And that's
Stevens with the equaliser.
I knew it. I said, didn't I say?
Come on, switch on!
Switch on!
Heads up! Right, we reset,
we go. WHISTLE BLOWS
Shoe Army! Shoe Army! Shoe Army!
Shoe Army! Shoe Army! Shoe Army!
Come on, lads! We're
great! Come on!
Come on, push up!
One minute, Mum.
We need to score.
Oi! Oi, Graham! You don't
know what you're doing!
Alfie, push up! He
won't even look at me.
Come on, Cobblers.
Come on, Cobblers.
You can do it! You can do it!
Come on, Cobblers!
Come on, Cobblers!
Oi. Graham! Teach your
son some proper chants!
Come on, Cobblers!
Come on, Cobblers!
Oi, Graham, can you hear me?
At least my son's not gay!
What did you say?
Say that again.
I said, at least
my son's not gay.
ALAN GASPS, CROWD CHEERS
I'd heard the "gay" insult
a million times before,
but this time, it was different.
I knew what had come out of
that mean-spirited fan's mouth
had been the truth.
But what really hurt was that he'd
said it to my dad before I could.
So at that very moment, I
realised I needed to change sides.
And find a team of my own.
But for now
Let's party like it's
Northampton 1987!
Come on!
MUSIC: 'Never Can Say
Goodbye' by The Communards
accessibility@itv.com
away from potential promotion.
'Can they do it? I know
I've got everything crossed.
'But now, here's George
Michael and Aretha Franklin.'
'Things were coming to a head.
'While my dad was
flying high'
Just take those
off for you, Alan.
'..I was down in the dumps.'
Now we'll put these on you.
'Headaches had become
the bane of my life.'
OK.
Now, is this better with
or without?
Oh, with, thank you, Duncan.
OK, let's move
onto the other eye.
Thank you, bye.
Oh, what a lovely man.
Delightful.
Duncan said my
left eye is a 2.25,
and my right eye is a 2.50.
You couldn't write it.
I was thinking about
going for a round frame,
but then Duncan said, "No, no,
just stick with the square frame,"
and I thought, "Do you know what?
Duncan, he knows his stuff."
I got my hair done
at the weekend.
Duncan's got hair. It's brown.
You all right, gaffer?
Hang on. Is that you?
'62 to '68.
Ah, we were tougher then.
Not as pacy, but
definitely tougher.
Feeling nostalgic?
Yeah, I am a bit.
20 years, gone in
the blink of an eye.
We just have to do the
town proud, you know?
SIGHING: Richard Hill.
This match could
make you a hero.
Yeah - people buying you pints,
women falling over themselves
to try and sleep with you.
It's not about that.
It's about inspiring
the next generation
to take on the
beautiful game. Mm.
And then they'll tell their
kids, who'll tell their kids
all about the time that
Northampton Town won the league.
I bet your kids are
absolutely buzzing about it.
Mm.
Oh, Jackie.
You know how I've been
getting those headaches,
and we couldn't find out why?
Well, I went for
an eye test, and
You're not Jackie.
Well spotted.
No, she's gone.
Got an acting job and
waltzed off to Corby.
Without telling me?
I mean, I knew she had a
callback for a musical,
but that wasn't for a month.
I didn't think she'd get it
Neither did we.
So soon.
'Dad said picking
a team was tough.
'But had he ever tried picking an
outfit for a post-match party?'
Hello? What do you think?
Perfect. If you wanna
look like a headrest.
Oh, Graham, please!
SHE SIGHS
Polka dots?
Oh, it's only C&A.
It's got to be right.
I'm gonna be standing next to
players' wives and girlfriends.
'Wives and girlfriends.
'If only there was a
quicker way of saying it.'
I'm gonna feel
like such a frump.
Look, have they dropped any hints
as to what they might be wearing?
What about Dawn? Or Moscow
Magda? They did, actually.
Maxine's wearing a little
blue off-the-shoulder number,
Magda's in a bikini,
and Dawn
has got a pretty little bonnet
on her pretty little head!
You look fine. I'm
not going for "fine".
Lovely. Lovely.
Ms Gideon's gone!
Oh, thank God for that.
She's just upped and left.
Maybe now you'll start
concentrating on sport
instead of flouncing
around in tights.
I need her!
No, you don't. You're a growing
lad, you can look after yourself.
You don't need bloody
Carmen Miranda
holding your hand.
'My dad, reading
the room as usual.'
PHONE RINGS
Douglas White Opticians, Pamela
speaking, how can I help?
Hello? Can I speak to Duncan?
Mr Harper.
I'm afraid he's at lunch. Can
anybody else be of assistance?
I just wanna speak to
Duncan, he'd understand.
Maybe I could help.
Well, I can't see
my friend any more.
Because of your prescription?
No. She's moved to Corby.
Is this a hoax?
'Wasting an optician's
time is criminal offence.'
'Criminal? Could
things get any worse?'
I've got AIDS, and my
girlfriend's on heroin.
I need my fix.
I'll even sell my telly.
Oh, Candy.
When I get a job, I swear,
I'll protect you
and the triplets!
WHISTLE BLOWS
Right, come on, let's
get out of here.
But we need feedback!
Ms Gideon always gave us
constructive criticism.
You were both
rubbish. Happy now?
Right, c'mon, break
time. Out, out, out!
Well, I enjoyed being
your girlfriend.
Aw, thanks, Kay.
I enjoyed being your
boyfriend-slash-dealer.
It could be good to see what
it feels like in real life.
You and me?
'Even blue slushy
hadn't put her off.'
What?!
Kay! What are you doing?
I don't know, sorry!
Is it the heroin?
Oh, God.
'Another person had
walked out of my life,
'leaving me with nothing.
'Well, apart from a
triplet-slash-pillow thing.'
MUSIC: 'More Than
This' by Roxy Music
Hey. Hey. I've told you before.
Do that top button up. Oh, no.
'Millennials will
never know the panic
'of seeing someone
you want to avoid
'and having to manually
wind up a car window.'
Hey. Hey!
Big game tomorrow, eh, Graham?
I bet It's all right,
I know what you're after.
Go on, take 'em.
Headmaster's privilege.
No, no, no, I just
came to say good luck.
Oh.
The school's absolutely
buzzing about the game.
I think even the bullies have
given Alan the day off. Ha!
You what? I'm not judging.
Not like some of the other
teachers around here.
No, just just
ignore the comments.
So what if you dropped
the ball with Alan,
you definitely haven't dropped the
ball with the Cobblers, have you?
Top of the league!
You don't get that by being
father of the year, do you?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up a bit.
You've got a lot on
at the County Ground,
and you're never there for him.
Hey, how are you to know
if he's getting a shove
here and an elbow there?
I mean, a little bit of
ribbing, it's normal, isn't it?
And he's coping with it.
Mostly.
You know what, I might
be in the minority here,
but I think you're doing
a decent job, considering.
Oh, hello, Mr Robertson,
everything all right?
Get in the car.
Oh You know, if those
tickets are going spare
I might wanna, erm
Get stuffed! Dad!
Oh, OK. That's the headmaster!
Belt.
Shoe Army!
Oh, that school run was tense.
I don't know what Mr
Robertson had said to my dad,
but I knew it wasn't good.
He'd driven home
without listening
to his Chris Rea On
The Beach cassette,
and he never did that.
Gary Gary
Eat your dinner.
Gary
"Potato waffle, Mr President?"
Boop, boop, be-doo! ♪
CHRISTINE CHUCKLES
Alan
Can I have another goujon,
Mum? Help yourself, love.
I've gotta keep my strength up,
I'm playing Jack the
Ripper tomorrow. Ooh.
Might borrow one of your
marigolds. Ooh, and an apron!
For Christ's sake,
Alan, will you shut up?
I've got enough on my plate without
you making a show of yourself.
All right, Graham. No,
it's not all right.
Is there any wonder kids
are giving him stick,
when he's acting like that?
He doesn't help himself.
'To this day, my dad doesn't like
my Marilyn Monroe impression.'
RADIO: For hardcore
Cobblers fans'
Say when. 'Today could
not come quicker.
'When I'm walking around
Northampton town centre,
'there is definitely a buzz.
'A win against Crewe
'will automatically promote the
Cobblers to the Third Division.
'I've been speaking to people
up and down Abington Street'
Alan! Get up, you're
gonna be late!
Why's he pretending
to be dead today?
He ain't got PE.
We're going to hit all the traffic.
I'll get him. Here you are, love.
Alan. Alan!
Hm?
Rise and shine.
Good morning, sleepy head.
Alan, come on
SHE SCREAMS, DRAMATIC STING
Graham! Graham!
Alan?
Alan!
Ange, have you seen Alan? No.
Oh, he's gone
missing. Oh, my God.
First Ms Gideon, now Alan!
It's like the Bermuda Triangle.
What next, my looks?
Say he's been kidnapped!
He might have been, but with that
voice, they'll soon give him back.
I've called the school,
he's still not there.
Biggest game of the
season, and he disappears.
I'll kill him when I find him.
IF you find him.
I'll go check my shed.
Oh, Graham.
Alan! Not in my ear, Graham!
Alan!
Alan! Alan!
Ch Charlie, what?
What? What are you
doing? Mum made me do it.
It's all right,
Chris. It's all right.
I'm doing a reconstruction
of Alan's last movements.
Charlie very kindly agreed to dress
up as Alan on his lunch break.
I didn't. No, you are
not. Get this off.
Ange, this is Above
and beyond, I know.
But I will not rest until
he is found, Christine.
Morning, noon and night, I
will pound these streets.
Have you had any
sightings? No.
Just abuse so far.
Right, do that annoying little
skip he used to do, go on.
And action.
MUSIC: 'Landslide'
by Fleetwood Mac
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Thank God, I've made it.
Are there any tickets
left for Calcutta Or Bust,
starring Jackie
Gideon? My friend.
Take your pick. Oh, great!
'Graham, he's still not back.
'I I don't know what to
do, I've looked everywhere.'
Listen, Christine, he's
teaching us a lesson.
He's an attention-seeker.
Sort your outfit for tonight,
and come to the match.
Graham, how can I sit
there and watch football?
'He'll turn up. Trust me.'
Look, I've gotta go.
Booker's refusing to play
because he's split up
with his girlfriend.
Oh!
Right. You soft bag of
'I wasn't proud that
I'd worried my family,
'but I knew I needed to be
near people who really got me.'
Alan? HE GASPS
No, it can't be. Alan!
Oh, you should be in school!
Oh, you've come all
this way to see me.
What a performance.
The other person in the
audience loved it, too.
Oh, how kind.
There's been some wicked whispers
that a woman can't play Gandhi,
but to hell with them.
I mean, once I've got that bald cap
on, there's nothing stopping me!
How did you change into
Mother Teresa so fast?
SHE LAUGHS No, don't!
You'll spoil the magic.
Anyway, enough about me!
God, I hate saying that.
Erm What have you been up to?
Not much, really.
Same old, same old
I should get going.
You're probably exhausted,
being in that harness.
Stop, stop, you can't come
all this way to see me
and leave after two minutes!
Are you all right?
Oh, Jackie, I'm stressed!
Nothing's going right.
My insides are churning
like a Zanussi on fast spin.
Oh! Mr Chapman took the
drama class instead of you.
He hated my performance.
That is like replacing a
parakeet with a budgie.
And it went weird with Kay.
She tried to kiss me,
and then she ran away.
Crikey, have you tried
changing your toothpaste?
Sorry, sometimes I'm too
damn quick for my own good.
Oh! And then I started
getting headaches!
Oh, I wasn't expecting
that reaction.
And a lovely optician,
Duncan. Really helpful.
He said my left eye's a 2.25,
and my right eye's a 2.5.
He's so clever.
Oh, well, I'm
I'm glad Duncan's helping
you to see more clearly.
Oh, he is.
Oh, look, you're getting
every emotion thrown at you,
but you'll get through it.
You'll survive. Do you know why?
Why?
Cos you're unique.
You're a one-off.
I don't know anyone
else quite like you.
Fab today, Jacks.
Hey, I popped that hummus recipe in
the clutch, all right? Thank you.
Oh, sprinkle some
paprika on it - divine!
Bye, boys.
Er, maybe less blusher next
time on Mother Teresa, Fabrice.
Oh, look. You had an
underwhelming kiss with Kay.
So what? You'll
kiss other people!
Love, it
It's like an egg, you can
have it any way you want.
Fried, scrambled, poached.
A little bit of tabasco
if you like some spice.
I like mine with
soldiers. Oh, do you?
Yeah.
Now, look, with my limited
football knowledge,
I think your Dad's got
a big game tonight.
Oh, he doesn't care if I'm there.
He'd probably rather I wasn't.
Tosh! We've missed
it now, anyway.
Not on my watch, Alan Carr!
SHE WHISTLES Jeremy!
Fetch the chariot!
Where we going?
It's like when Gandhi jumped on
the speedboat in your musical.
BOTH: Get me to
the Ganges, baby!
Got to get a better
outfit, probably.
C'mon, Jackie, sing us a tune.
Oh, no, I couldn't. No, stop!
Pack up your troubles In
your old kit bag and ♪
ALL: Smile, smile, smile ♪
Chronicle and Echo!
SONG: 'Pack Up Your Troubles'
Chronicle and Echo!
Chronicle and Echo!
CHEERING Can you
sign this for Fynn?
Are we gonna win today?
Oh, we're gonna smash 'em.
HORN BEEPS
Thanks, Graham, keep it up!
Dad! Dad, Dad, Dad, I'm safe!
Where the hell have you been?
Let's not worry about that now,
we got him here for kicking off!
SHE CHUCKLES We must
leave you to limber up.
Ignore the crowd, Mr Carr,
just, the noise of it all.
Just focus.
Because that's what
Alan is so good at.
Oh He really is
a remarkable boy.
You must be very
proud. Yeah, course.
I, er
I know he's been
missing someone lately.
Rather taken the wind
out of his sails.
One more game, and
I'll be back home.
THEY LAUGH
No!
No, I meant me!
Oh, yeah. Well,
of course you did.
But
I may be returning to
Easton Lovell! HE GASPS
What? You're coming back?
Well, there's a small chance
of a Broadway transfer
It might fall through.
And so, then, I will
be back next term!
That's amazing! Oh, isn't it?
Well, er, break a leg.
Bonne chance dans le foot.
Er, goodbye.
Come on. Inside.
Bye, Alan. Bye, Alan!
Up the Cobbles!
PHONE RINGS
Hello? Hello, any news?
Ah, he's here. I've
got him. He's safe.
Oh
'Where's he been?'
I don't know,
but he's just been dropped
off by the Village People.
Get your glad rags
on and get down here.
Oh, Graham, I can't.
I look a right state.
'Ange saw some disturbed earth.'
Thought it might have been Alan,
so I've been digging with a spade.
What? 'It was Janine's cat.'
We reburied it and
said an Hail Mary.
Look, I'm I'm covered in mud.
Chris, kick-off's in 30 minutes.
I don't care what
state you're in,
this is the biggest
game of my career.
I want you here.
I need I need you here.
DRUMS BANG, FANS CHAN
You happy now, hmm?
Get all the
attention you wanted?
I ran away because I was
sick of getting picked on.
I was sick of getting ignored.
No-one was there for me.
Lads!
Come on, little man. Cheer up.
No man too big for cuddle.
MUFFLED: Thanks, Magda.
Aw. That's more
like a bear hug.
Excuse me, ladies. See
you on the terraces.
Alan!
'Fun fact - the more
successful my Dad got,
'the more my mum
dressed like Prince.'
I've been worried sick.
Don't you ever run off again.
Do you hear me? Yeah.
Right, there you are.
It's from Duncan!
Yeah.
How do I look? Perfect.
Where's Kay? I don't
think she could make it.
Oh, why not? She always comes
to the big games to support you.
I don't know why, OK? God!
PLAYERS CHATTING
Oi. CHATTING STOPS
Right. This is the moment.
This is the time to go out
there and play your best game.
And I'm not just
talking about winning,
I'm talking about
making history.
In 90 minutes, you
can be champions,
go up to Division Three,
and earn the respect of every
single fan on those terraces.
And just think what
that means to this town.
Boys
Now, I look
at each and every one of
you, and I am so proud.
And I know in the past, I've
been swearing and shouting.
But, in fairness, Banjo,
you can be really annoying.
LAUGHTER
I haven't gone easy on you -
because winning a league isn't easy.
Life isn't easy.
You did that for us, boss.
Course I did.
HE SOBS Sort it out, mate.
HE BLUBBERS
So, for me
You go out there, and you
leave everything on that pitch.
No regrets.
Everything changes today.
That were beautiful, gaffer.
Now, let's get out there
and whip Crewe's arse!
Come on, lads!
ALL CHEERING Come on!
PLAYERS SHOU
Come on! Come on, boys.
Are you still crying,
Richard? You soft pr
MUSIC: 'And She Was'
by Talking Heads
CHEERING
Oh, I love your
hair. Oh, come on.
Come on, boys. Come on.
Who are we? The Cobblers!
That's what I like to hear.
Oh, he's got Murray
on the bench?
I've got a good feeling
about this, boss.
Glad someone has.
WHISTLE BLOWS
CROWD: Shoe Army! Shoe
Army! Shoe Army! Shoe Army!
Come on. Go on,
pass it to him.
Go on! Get in!
CROWD SHOUTING
Penalty! Pen! That's a pen!
Yes!
Come on, boys, you can do it!
Score the ball in the goal!
Go on, Alfie.
Come on, Alfie!
CROWD CHEERING, WHISTLE BLOWS
COMMENTATOR: And that
was Alfie Wellington
CHEERING
Better, better.
Go on! Whoo!
Can't believe it.
HE GASPS Kay! You came?
I had some persuasion.
About the other
day Please, don't.
I'm mortified. Yeah, but
Did you feel anything?
Not really, no. Yeah.
Me neither.
Well, that makes me
feel a bit better.
I mean, never say never.
If we're still single when
we're old, let's try it again.
Say 30?
Make it 40.
Push up. Hold that
line! Hold that line!
CROWD SIGHING
COMMENTATOR: And that's
Stevens with the equaliser.
I knew it. I said, didn't I say?
Come on, switch on!
Switch on!
Heads up! Right, we reset,
we go. WHISTLE BLOWS
Shoe Army! Shoe Army! Shoe Army!
Shoe Army! Shoe Army! Shoe Army!
Come on, lads! We're
great! Come on!
Come on, push up!
One minute, Mum.
We need to score.
Oi! Oi, Graham! You don't
know what you're doing!
Alfie, push up! He
won't even look at me.
Come on, Cobblers.
Come on, Cobblers.
You can do it! You can do it!
Come on, Cobblers!
Come on, Cobblers!
Oi. Graham! Teach your
son some proper chants!
Come on, Cobblers!
Come on, Cobblers!
Oi, Graham, can you hear me?
At least my son's not gay!
What did you say?
Say that again.
I said, at least
my son's not gay.
ALAN GASPS, CROWD CHEERS
I'd heard the "gay" insult
a million times before,
but this time, it was different.
I knew what had come out of
that mean-spirited fan's mouth
had been the truth.
But what really hurt was that he'd
said it to my dad before I could.
So at that very moment, I
realised I needed to change sides.
And find a team of my own.
But for now
Let's party like it's
Northampton 1987!
Come on!
MUSIC: 'Never Can Say
Goodbye' by The Communards
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