Chelmsford 123 (1988) s02e06 Episode Script

(Sawing) (Thud) Grasientus.
Grasientus! I hope this is important, Aulus.
I was preparing to go to bed.
There's been a theft.
Something's been stolen? Grasientus, you are a genius.
I say, "There's been a theft" and quick as a flash you say, "Something's been stolen.
" - How do you do it? - What's been stolen? I'll tell you.
I own two priceless gold figurines of identical twins Castor and Pollux.
One of them has been stolen.
- Which one? - Well, I don't know.
They're identical.
By the way, what's that on your face like cow dung? It is not cow dung, Aulus.
It is Wolfbane's magic mud.
Helps rejuvenate the skin and tone up the facial muscles.
It's supposed to improve my looks.
It certainly does.
I should keep it on.
I've done it.
Ladies and gentlemen, the heavenly twins.
What do you think? Er, Mungo, these twins - Are they supposed to be identical twins? - Yeah.
It's just that for identical twins, I can't help noticing that this twin is not 100% identical to this twin.
I mean, this one is very identical indeed but this one isn't the slightest bit identical.
- Yeah, all right, Badvoc.
- This one I love.
This one I hate.
Well, I prefer this one.
The other one's a bit obvious.
- Stay out of this, Blag.
- Badvoc.
We're in the presence of greatness here.
We're talking about art.
This transcends material considerations.
It is beauty incarnate.
It has been fashioned by the gods.
He who gazes upon this gazes upon immortality.
True.
True.
Blag, go and swap it for a couple of pigs.
No, wait, Badvoc.
Wait.
If this is what I think it is, you could be looking at a lot of money.
- Where are you going? - I'm going to swap it.
You don't have to do everything I tell you, do you? Blimey.
If I said "Stick your hand in the fire", he probably would.
Yes, yes, yes.
Yes, I thought so.
I know what this is.
- What? - It's an instrument for magnifying small objects.
- I'm talking about the statue.
- Oh, that.
Well, you struck very lucky there.
This isn't any old heavenly twins.
This is one of the world-famous heavenly twins by Theo Frastes.
Now, if you had the other one as well, I could guarantee you a small fortune.
Er, can I take my hand out of the fire now? I've brought the guard who was on duty on the night of the theft.
Oh, good.
Oh, by the way, Grasientus, that cow dung you had on your face last night - Magic mud.
- Magic mud.
- It rejuvenates the skin - And improves the looks.
Yes.
It didn't work.
- Good.
So, you were on guard last night.
- Yes, sir.
- And you stood guard at my door all night? - Oh, yes, sir.
If at all, I may have left once briefly just to, um, well, you know - Go to the bathroom? - Go to the bathroom.
Back at my house.
I wasn't there long.
I just went to the toilet, had a spot of dinner, and then put some shelves up.
I mean, she's been on at me for months.
You know what women are like.
Then I came straight back here, after I'd given the missis a bit of a seeing to.
I mean, I was there.
I thought, well, why not? - What's your job again? - Head of security.
So in the three minutes you managed to stand guard at my door, did anybody enter my office? No, sir.
- No-one at all? - No, definitely not.
I think I can say that not one living soul, no single person, crossed that threshold.
- Not one.
- Good.
Except the rat man.
- The rat man? - Yes.
We don't have any rats here.
No, sir.
That's why he came.
To deliver some.
Did you notice anything unusual about him? - He was naked.
- Naked? Yes, he said he was, anyway.
Said he'd left home in a hurry and didn't have time to put his clothes on.
It's easily done.
- What did he look like? - I didn't see him.
He asked me to look the other way.
He was naked.
- So, a naked man - Yes.
arrives at my office - Yes.
in the early hours of Sunday morning - Yes.
to deliver rats.
- Yes.
Didn't that strike you as odd? You know, it did.
I mean It's so difficult to get people to deliver at the weekends, isn't it? Oh.
- There was one other thing, sir.
- Yes? He tried to bribe me.
Did he? Successfully.
He bribed you successfully? He gave me two whole bags of gold not to tell a living soul that his name was Mungo.
And my word is my bond.
There's only one thing for it, Mungo.
You're going to have to go back and bribe that guard again.
What with? I've used those 10 bags of gold you gave me last time.
- All 10? - Yeah.
God, aren't people greedy nowadays? Yeah.
It's very depressing.
What's that? It looks like a cheese and carrot pie? Oh, yummy.
And what's that? - A vase of dried flowers.
- Oh, yummy.
Someone's been in here.
Quick, check the statue.
Blag, outside and check the horses.
- The statue's still there.
- (Camp) Oh, I don't believe it.
Who's been at this quiche? Oh, my God.
It's him.
That's a fine way to greet your long lost twin brother you haven't seen for 10 years.
I never knew you had a twin brother, Badvoc.
Huh? Badvoc? Is that the name you're using at the moment? - What's wrong with - Badvoc is the name I have as tribe leader.
I'm a warrior chieftain now.
Head of the Trinovantes.
I've checked the horses, Badvoc, and they're all there.
Oh, sorry.
I've checked the horses, Badvoc, and they're all there.
'Ere, I thought you were him.
But you are.
No, you're not.
You're him.
Er, I think I'll go and check the horses again.
So, um, what's your real name, then, Badvoc? Listen, Mungo, we had very weird parents, all right? They named us all after herbs.
He's called parsley and I'm called something else.
- But Badvoc certainly is the name that I - Basil.
My cousin's called Basil, funnily enough.
- Tarragon.
- Shut up, Mungo.
- Dill.
- Leave it out, Mungo.
You can't stay here, you know.
I just want to see if there's a market round here for my dried flowers.
- Dandelion? - You can stay a week and that's all.
Uh, I got it.
Rosemary! Tell anyone, you're dead.
(Spanish accent) Hey, Aulus.
It's me.
Whatever it is, the answer's no.
Hey, Aulus.
Your long lost twin brother you no see for 10 years.
He come a 1,000 miles, he walk over land and sea and all you can say is, "The answer is no"? Yes.
Agh! That's all I need.
My long lost embarrassing twin brother turning up out of the blue like that.
Oh, God, I need a drink.
Hey, Aulus! That's no way to treat your embarrassing long lost twin brother who turn up out of the blue like that.
I thought you were in Granada happily running a takeaway brothel.
Yes, I was.
But one night, a dissatisfied customer, he fall carelessly on my dagger.
Look, I'm not harbouring wanted criminals in my villa.
How about this, uh? How about I go around Chelmsford telling everybody that the Roman governor is not a Roman at all but Spanish? Who spent most of his youth hanging round the bars of Seville doing drag acts for Moroccan sailors.
All right.
You can stay one week.
Who could forget your Cleopatra and her disappearing asp.
Two weeks, that's it.
Listen, Wolfbane, I just want somewhere where I can sell my dried flowers.
Come on, Badvoc, tell me, what's the scam? There's no scam and I'm not Badvoc.
I'm his identical twin brother Parsley.
Brilliant.
Look, Badvoc, this whole scheme has the hallmark of genius.
The false name, the dried flowers, the silly voice.
Everything.
I don't know what it is you're planning but I want in.
The name is Parsley.
OK.
OK, Parsley.
- What do you want? - I want to sell my dried flowers in your shop.
Oh, no, listen, Badvoc.
I can't sell your dried flowers in here whatever your scam is.
Look.
I sell bona fide medications.
Essence of skunk, rats' eyelashes in treacle, Wolfbane's magic mud.
Restores your looks.
100% cow dung.
Tincture of hedgehog bogey.
I'm a serious pharmacist.
If I started selling something weird like dried flowers, everybody would think I was a charlatan.
Wolfbane, you're a charlatan.
These rats' eyelash Oh, I'm glad I bumped into you.
Oh.
Frock's a mistake.
Purple's very much last year's colour.
I wouldn't wear it.
No.
Me neither.
In my profession, you couldn't wear something ludicrous like that.
You have to dress formal, inspire confidence.
Listen, Badvoc, one of my golden statues For the last time, will you all stop calling me Badvoc? My Oh, what's the point? Here, you have the dried flowers.
I'm fed up.
What's wrong with him? Between you and me, Aulus, I think he's finally flipped his lid.
- Flipped his lid? - Yes.
I think the stress of leadership has finally got to him.
Don't let it happen to you.
Buy Wolfbane's anti-lid flipper.
For leaders like you.
And that is why he's called your identical twin? That's right, Blag.
So you're identical in every way, completely similar, physically, like.
Yes.
So an outsider wouldn't be able to tell you apart.
Precisely.
- Right, I think I understand.
- Good.
So, where is Badvoc now, then? I am Badvoc! Listen, Blag, you put Badvoc and Parsley together and they look exactly the same.
I mean, it's like we put you next to an enormous pile of pig shit.
Oh, got it now.
- Thanks, Mungo.
- What are friends for, Blag? 'Ere Here's Aulus.
He don't half look rough.
What's he doing in here? I thought British drinking dens were out of bounds to Romans.
Yeah, they are.
Don't worry, I'll sort this out.
Er, listen, I don't want to make anything of this but this is a British drinking den and you're a Roman.
So I suggest you finish your drink, quickly and quietly, and then make yourself as scarce as possible, otherwise things round here might take on a rather unfortunate hue.
Thank you.
Well? - I think he got the message.
- Good boy.
What did he say? He said (Spits) Those were his exact words? Right.
Listen, Aulus (Spanish accent) Aulus? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Aulus, yeah.
You may be the governor of this country but you do not, I repeat, you do not spit in the face of one of my friends, all right? If you want to spit at someone, you spit at me, OK? OK.
It's only my little joke.
I'm sorry for the joke.
He's talking funny.
Look, to make up for my behaviour, I, Aulus Paulinus, declare a public holiday.
Everybody have the day off.
'Ere, we don't work.
Does that mean we don't get a day off? - Everybody, drinks on me.
- That's more like it.
Send the bill to the villa.
- Great.
- OK.
Here, a toast.
To the Britons.
To Britons.
A nation of stinking rats! Lovely speech.
Shut up, Blag.
He was insulting us, you fool.
- Was he? - He called me a stinking rat.
Well, fair's fair, Mungo.
Well, Aulus better not show his face in here again.
Ah, Badvoc, the very man I want to Keep your bloody drinks! Well, you can stick your dried flowers as well.
I'm not sure about the lemon any more, you know.
It's such a dangerous colour.
What do you think of the lemon, Mango? Hang on.
I'll just put down my needlepoint.
Now, listen, I don't mind embroidering bunny rabbits on towels but I draw the line at being called Mango.
Listen, you lot.
I have got a foolproof plan of Oh, sorry, wrong house.
What in God's name's been going on here? Your twin brother.
He wants this room to make a statement.
He wants it to say something.
Well, it's obvious what it's saying.
It's saying, "Hello, I am the room of a great big poof.
" A very tasteless remark, Rosemary.
- (Sniggering) - Shut up.
Get out of there.
Now, listen, you lot.
I've just come up with a foolproof plan for getting that other gold statue back.
Parsley is going to me at the public reading of the emperor's letter tomorrow.
Leaving me free to go round to Aulus' villa unnoticed.
- Brilliant.
- What's in it for me? Well, if it comes off, I'll set you up in a chain of dried flower shops.
- Oh, great.
- In Belgium.
- So, what do I have to do? - Simple.
Just graciously thank Aulus and wave at the crowd.
What, like this? "Thank you, Aulus? Mwah! Hello, crowd.
" On seconds thoughts, Mungo, you do the talking.
Blag, you do the waving.
Right.
"Hello, crowd.
All right?" - Mungo - Talking and waving.
Yeah.
(Spanish accent) No way.
I no do it.
Just to get your stupid statue back.
No.
Give me one good reason why I go out in public dressed like this.
I could always send you back to Rome in chains.
We could have you thrown off the top of the villa.
Or I could just stab you here.
OK, OK.
I only asked for one.
Let's go through your speech again.
(Sighs) Frie Frie Friends.
Romans.
Britons.
Pah! Grasientus, I think you'd better do all the talking.
Greetings, Badvoc.
And the governor also says "Greetings, Badvoc.
" Why can't he say it himself? Um, sore throat.
- Can't speak.
- (Coughs) So, how are you, Badvoc? He's very well.
- Apart from a sore throat.
- (Clears throat) - Can't speak.
- There's a lot of it going about, ain't there? Now, my little beauty.
It's time to restore you to your rightful place next to your twin brother.
It's gone! Guard! Yes, sir.
Oh, no.
It's you.
Have you been on guard all day? Oh, yes, sir.
- No-one's been in? - No, sir.
- No-one at all? - No, sir.
I was just saying to the emperor how quiet it is.
The emperor? - What? - You said the emperor.
Yes, sir.
Well, he wasn't dressed as the emperor.
Obviously.
He was disguised as Badvoc.
God, it was good.
If he hadn't told me he was the emperor, I would have thought it was Badvoc.
It was Badvoc.
Badvoc's done this.
I knew it.
Badvoc No, wait a minute.
He couldn't have done it.
He's been out there all morning in the marketplace.
With me.
Look, see.
Look, there I am down there next to Badvoc.
He couldn't have done it.
I'm down there.
I couldn't have done it.
How could I have done it? - Sir.
- I couldn't have done it.
It's none of my business, of course, but have you ever tried this? Wolfbane's anti-lid flipper.
Ah, my little beauty.
Time to restore you to your rightful place.
Ah, Wolfbane.
Badvoc, I've been up all night trying to work out what your scheme is.
But I'm beaten.
So, as long as I can have a slice of the action, the answer is yes, you can display your dried flowers.
Wolfbane, what are you talking about? Oh, I see.
Fair enough.
Still hush-hush, eh? Don't worry.
Your secret's safe.
Mum's the word.
Schtum is my middle name.
Hey? Wolfbane Schtum.
That's me.
Wolfbane, have you been eating those funny mushrooms again? - No.
- Look at this, eh? Oh, yes.
Very nice.
But have you got the other one yet? This is the other one.
The first one's in this barrel where it's always been.
Ta-da! Sorry.
Ta-da! Something's wrong.
Try the other hand.
- The statue's been stolen.
- No.
Aulus has done this.
Aulus is the only person who could have.
(Cheering) Hang on, Aulus has been out in the marketplace all morning.
What are you doing out there when you're in here? Perhaps I have been at the funny mushrooms.
Aulus, I want a word with you.
Ah, so it was you.
You broke into my house and stole my statue.
Well, I'm shocked, depressed and disappointed by this, Aulus.
I mean, why? If you wanted the statue that badly, you should have asked me.
I'd have probably given it to you.
You're my friend.
At least I thought you were.
Look, Aulus, I'm prepared to say nothing further on this sorry matter.
I'll just leave you alone with your guilt.
Wait a minute! They're my statues! They were stolen from my villa in the first place.
Listen, I came by these statues in good faith from Mungo.
If he's got hold of them by unlawful means, then I will take him to task.
But the fact remains that you broke into my house and stole them.
First of all, Badvoc, I cannot steal my own statues.
And I couldn't have possibly gone to your house this morning.
I'm attending a public function in the marketplace.
Look.
Well, so am I.
Look.
BOTH: I can explain everything.
- What an amazing coincidence.
- Yeah.
We both have identical twin brothers.
And they both turn up on exactly the same day.
There I was in Wolfbane's shop talking to your twin brother at complete cross-purposes.
There I was in the tavern talking to your twin at complete cross-purposes.
And then, there's the amazing coincidence of these two statues.
Themselves both twins.
You had one, I had the other.
I didn't know which one I mean, it's crazy.
If you saw it on television, you'd never believe it, would you? What did you just say, Blag? I dunno.
I just had one of my blinding headaches.
I'd better sit down.
Still, I'm relieved we got the thief.
Yes, and I'd like to thank you, Mungo, personally, for your great honesty and courage in stepping forward and giving me that vital piece of information which led to the arrest of Wolfbane.
Well, I was just doing my job as a pillar of society.
In fact, they call me Mungo the Pillar.
Well, it's close.
Well, that's that all sorted out.
Badvoc, I've packed your twin Parsley off with enough money to start his own dried flower shop with his wife and 12 children.
Wife and 12 children? - I thought he was a - Badvoc, there you are, you see.
You've fallen victim to your own crude sexual stereotyping again.
Trying to hide the fear of the feminine in your own sexuality behind a torrent of cheap jibes and a crude display of macho posturing.
Yeah, I saw something about that on Panorama.
I I've done it again.
And as for your twin, Aulus, I told him that the eight-foot-tall champion gladiator Nicias the Thracian Throttler liked to be called Phyllis.
Really? The funeral's on Monday.
- Brilliant, Grasientus.
- Yeah, brilliant.
But why? - Why what? - Why are you helping us like this? Well, I too have a small problem which I was hoping you might be able to help me with.
What sort of problem? This is Saupicius, my long lost brother.
Hi.
I'm Saupicius.
I'm a Christian.