Chicago Party Aunt (2021) s02e06 Episode Script

1
- Nine-one-one, emergency!
- Aah!
Gimme your phone,
we don't got a lotta time!
Oh my God Did North Korea
make a missile that can reach Chicago?
No, worse! The radio station
blocked both my numbers
and I want to request some tunes!
Damn it, I'm on hold!
Welcome back to Dank Sherman
and the Fug on WRAG, the Wrag!
Let's take a caller.
S'up? You're on the Wrag!
I got through!
Hi there, I'd like to hear
"American Woman" by The Guess Who,
not that BS Lenny Kravitz cover.
Lenny Kravitz, the actor?
Lady, the only thing we're playing
this a.m. is Jug Jenga!
We got two babes here
that used to be servers at Hooters.
Now, they're just moms.
And we're seeing how many Jenga pieces
they can balance on their racks.
And unless you think you can beat them
Ugh!
She's on her way.
Don't be shy, Fug, my girls have
handled much bigger wood than that.
And that's all the pieces,
making Diane Dunbrowski
our Jug Jenga champ!
Wow, those milk wagons are unreal.
Yeah, these were an FDA experiment
in the '90s.
I was kind of a breast implant guinea pig.
Oh, watch it! We're Italian American pigs!
Mamma mia!
Classic Fug!
And the prize is a free mammogram,
courtesy of WRAG's
Breast Cancer Awareness Week.
Coming up, we're gonna reunite
a porn star with her biological dad,
if she can name all 50 states.
Oh, I'm sticking around for that.
Then she said
Las Vegas was a state
and they played a clip of Ren and Stimpy
where he goes, "You idiot!"
It was classic!
How's that show even still on?
It's so degrading to women.
Who listen to radio anymore?
Podcasts all the way, baby!
Speaking of which,
please subscribe to mine.
I keep asking you.
Diane, you gotta get on that mammogram.
They're mad expensive
and our Borough insurance
doesn't cover them.
We have health insurance?
Yes, the company is Grey Cross.
They are horrible!
Their slogan is "Walk it off."
Hello, all!
I just had a wonderful breakthrough
with my therapist.
She told me I may be allergic
to toxic people.
Gideon, we gotta talk!
She was right!
What's up with our cheapo
health insurance?
I'd think you'd want good coverage,
seeing as you're getting up there.
- You are older than me!
- Mm!
He doesn't care. He's on a manager plan.
That's how he can afford
to see a therapist.
Wait, how does that work?
Diane, it is company policy
that all non-managerial employees
have basic coverage,
which makes sense,
because you are a basic bitch.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go pop a Benadryl.
Mm! Told you.
Take advantage
of any health care you can get, Diane.
I heard you didn't need a mammogram
if you had breast implants.
You need to stop getting medical advice
- from Snapple caps!
- Mm-hmm!
Daniel, it's time for an adventure!
Please stop calling going to the basement
to clear the rat traps an adventure.
No rats today. Huh!
Kreativ Jus is launching a new program
to educate children
that juice is the healthy alternative
to processed sugars.
Uh. the Raspberry Blaster
has more sugar than ten Snickers bars.
It's natural sugar, Daniel!
Corporate assigned each store
one school district in the city
to pass out free samples
during youth sporting events,
and I want you
to be my wingman in the juice van!
Oh, that sounds kinda cool!
You do have
a valid driver's license, right?
I do, but my parents never let me drive
in the city, or much at all.
They felt it would trigger my anxiety.
Well, my license is suspended
due to my younger days.
Let's just say,
alcohol and road rage don't mix
with cocaine and Fentanyl.
You know what? I'm in.
It's time to confront my anxiety
Oh my God, horn!
Are you looking at that shirtless pic
of Hugh Jackman I put on our Pinterest?
Yowza, right?
No, I was confirming my next appointment
with Doctor Perlow.
Oh, right, right. Final test results.
Well, not final.
Even if I can't produce the baby myself,
we have other options.
There's surrogacy
I will say I am
a little worried about that.
I read in Departures magazine,
it's very expensive
and I don't know about me
having S-E-X with another woman.
Mark, I told you,
that is not how it works.
We don't even need to talk about this.
You have been taking
such good care of yourself.
And, may I say, it shows.
That womb is ready to bloom.
Mark, my basal temp is rising.
Why don't I check it with my penis?
Okay, but I have book club
in five minutes.
Oh, sounds like someone
wants to do it twice.
How much longer? The infection
is moving from my eye down to my arm.
Uh, I called earlier
about my mammogram gift certificate?
Have a seat and fill out this paperwork.
We'll be right with you.
Great! And hey,
thanks for "squeezing" me in.
I'll, uh I'll just sit down.
What, are you the doctor too?
I'm a physician's assistant.
Sorry, we're really short-staffed.
So, I gotta put my slammers in that?
Is it gonna burst my implants?
Not yours. They're very dense.
Mm. Much obliged.
Now, I'm going to lower the clamp,
so you may feel some pressure.
Okay, this isn't too baaad!
Oh, sweet Stan Mikita's ghost!
Whoo!
I didn't know my fun bags could
take that much squeezing.
And I once got to second base
with André the Giant.
So, I'll call you in a couple of days
with the results.
You'd think they'd Ow!
Come up with a test
Ow!
Better than this Ow!
Can jammer Ow!
Wait, that one's my Juicy Fruit.
Mm!
Okay, you got this. It's just driving.
Ready to spread the joy of juice?
Oh wow, you grew a very thin mustache.
Oh, well, I'm reforesting my upper lip
to raise awareness of the deforesting
in the Amazon.
Now, Daniel, I am a sherpa helping you
climb the mountain that is vehophobia.
Just ease into traffic.
Okay
Hey, watch it!
Fuck off, you worthless sack of shit!
Apologies, Daniel, old habits die hard.
And one more
- Wow, girl! Okay!
- This is very impressive!
That's a nice little trick.
Zuzs, put it on speaker.
I'm about to break my record.
Yes, I got it.
Go for Diane!
Hello, Diane, it's Cathy
from the Nadir Clinic.
I have your mammogram results.
Let me guess, I tested positive
for bodacious tatas?
That was funny
when you said it in the office as well.
Now, uh, we did find a lump
in the upper quadrant of your left breast.
Uh!
What does that mean?
Most times it's nothing,
unless it's something,
and that something could be very bad.
So, I'd like you to come in
for an ultrasound.
Holy shit!
Let me run this through your insurance.
What's the I.D. number?
Uh one second. Where is it?
Hold on, hold on. Uh
Okay Got it.
It's four-six-nine, nice,
seven-three-five-six-nine, nice,
three-four-twenty, also nice, five.
Okay. Looks like your policy
doesn't cover this.
So, uh, you'd have to pay out of pocket,
which, all said and done,
is usually about $3,000.
I don't have that kind of money!
- You could always try a GoFundMe.
- Uh!
Go fund me? Go fund yourself!
I always thought I'd pass away suddenly
while in a threesome
with John and Joan Cusack.
They are related.
Yeah, but I'm not!
It's just a lump, Diane,
it's not a death sentence.
You're okay.
I've never dealt with anything like this.
It's terrifying.
Diane, remember what I told you
after the Bears lost Super Bowl XLI?
That Peyton Manning looks like a thumb,
but would bang?
No, that's what you said.
I said that you were strong
and you can get through anything.
You got this because we got you.
Thanks, girls.
This is nice! We never just sit on couch
and dish the gossip.
Okay, not the time, girl.
Huh.
That's a good deal.
Hey, how are you?
I hate driving!
Today, Feather told an ambulance
to kill itself!
Daniel, driving's easy.
What did Fast and the Furious teach us?
That a Dodge Charger
can outrun a helicopter?
Yes, and always be on offense.
That's how the job gets done.
Hey, speaking of jobs,
what's your health insurance
sitch at work?
Awful.
Kreativ Jus's benefits are crystal-based,
so I stayed on my parents' plan.
Holy shit, that is heavy.
Is this real gold?
No, it's just gold-plated.
Wait, why are you asking about insurance?
Are you okay?
Daniel, I'm fine.
Could a person who wasn't fine do this?
Rah!
Red Stripe? I haven't had that since
Thanksgiving.
I see a lot of ovarian follicles
not responding to hormones.
Well, I-I guess Mark and I should
What do you mean
I'm not Bonnie Whiddington?
Here's my golden insurance card!
- What the?
- Suburbs rock!
Look at my channel wallet.
Golf is a sport.
Diane?
Oh!
Uh
It's like looking in a mirror!
What were you doing
at the doctor, anyways?
Finally getting your cankles
taken care of?
I don't have cankles!
Ugh, that's not the point.
I can't believe you didn't tell me
what was going on with you, Diane.
I didn't want to worry you!
Look, I'm gonna treat this
like cutting hair.
Wing it and hope for the best.
Oh, the hell you are!
I am not letting my sister
"hope for the best,"
like some kind of Christian Scientist.
I will get you in with my doctor.
Really?
Oh, no, these fertility treatments
basically bought her a second home.
She owes me.
Wow, thank you, Bonnie. Truly.
This is such a relief.
Of course.
So should we grab a carafe of Pinot Gris?
It's 10:00 a.m.
Copy that.
We'll get Merlot.
Remember, just keep your hands
at North Star and Solstice.
Don't you mean ten and two?
Well, I only tell time by a sundial.
It's actually much more accurate,
you'll see.
Goddammit! I'm soaked!
That wasn't my fault!
It's okay. It's okay.
I'll just cover it up.
Oh, God!
Suck my whole ass!
Ooh. My blue blockers.
I've been looking for these.
I can't get over this place, Bon.
They have a valet just for jackets!
It's called a coat check.
Welcome to Northwestern Women's Health.
I'll be bringing out
some fresh biscotti in a sec.
But for now, have a seat
and make yourself comfortable.
I know where I'd be
the most comfortable sitting.
Diane! Oh, thank you so much.
What? That hunk of beefsteak
looks just like Rock Johnson.
Oh, I loved him in the new Jumanji movie.
Jumanji?
No, I'm talking about
the real Rock Johnson? The porno actor.
Balls, these blankets are heavy.
Who the hell would want?
- They're weighted for your comfort.
- Aah! I'm up! I'm up!
Oh, you must be Diane.
It is so lovely to meet you.
And Bonnie, how are you doing
after yesterday?
I'm fine, thank you.
Don't want to talk about it.
Okay. Well, here's a mug
of soothing jasmine tea.
And the seats are heated,
so let me know if you get too toasty.
So, I filled out your paperwork online.
Here are the questions
you need to ask when
If you don't tell me
what's going on with you,
you're gonna get a face full
of soothing Aladdin tea!
It's jasmine tea.
Ugh!
All right, the truth is,
yesterday when I was here,
I found out that there's no way for me
to have another baby, naturally.
Oh, shit. Did you tell Mark?
No. It's so embarrassing!
To admit to your husband
that your body is just done?
He'll understand, Bon.
His body was done years ago.
Plus, Mark adores you.
And never say your body is done!
If you can't get pregnant,
that just means you can fu
Diane, we're ready for you.
I might have to do the test out here.
Alright Timmy,
you're playing shortstop today.
Have fun out there.
Thanks, Coach Davis!
Hey, kids, who wants a free treat?
What the hell? Ugh!
Look at this sick bastard.
Hey! You! Beat it!
Don't worry, sir.
I have something for you to slurp too!
Get the hell out!
I'm not going anywhere!
I'm here to change these kids forever.
It's time to put something healthy
in their mouths!
Hank! Phil! Grab some bats.
We got another pervert!
Oh, this isn't good.
Oh, I'm not
- It's a pervert van!
- Uh, no. Oh! Oh
Oh, no! No, you don't understand.
No, see, my colleague and I
were driving and I got covered in juice.
Oh, I bet you did.
Okay, this is a misunderstanding, but I
Just drive, Daniel!
- It won't move!
- Do you have the parking brake on?
- I don't know what a parking brake is!
- Aah!
See? That wasn't so bad.
Here's a towel
to wipe off the ultrasound gel.
Oh, I'd like a bottle of that for
personal reasons.
- Diane!
- Anyhoo, glad that's done.
So, what's the score? Did I pass?
Well, we still have
to look over the images,
but I'll have the results
first thing Monday morning.
I gotta wait all weekend?
Okay. I can do that.
No problemo.
I hear the ticking of the clock ♪
I'm lying here, the room's pitch dark ♪
Fright night ♪
Doctor Perlow?
Diane! Hope you had a good weekend.
Can't say we did. Our hot tub
at the lake house overflowed
Ultrasound results, please!
Oh, right, right, yes.
Well, good news. That lump was
nothing more than a harmless cyst.
Sweet Ditka's dick! What a relief!
However, uh,
your implants are hardened
due to a calcium buildup.
Nice! Calcium is good, right?
No, it's it's very bad.
Diane, you need to get
your breast implants removed.
But I've had these babies for decades.
I could tell!
The serial number on them was 11.
All right. When can I come
and knock this out?
Well, I saw you as a favor
for your sister,
but unfortunately,
I can't do surgery as a favor, so
I don't care how much it costs,
I'm not going back
to my shitty little clinic!
Okay. Well, these procedures
usually run about 50 grand.
Um, and to finish, the doctor will use
a more economic technique
called "battlefield stitches"
to close up your skin and
patch up any
Yeah, yeah, how much
is this gonna set me back?
Uh, about $10,000.
Hold, please.
Ten grand?!
Where am I supposed to come up with that?!
I would say get into foot-camming,
but the market is
over saturated now, believe me.
So, your next best option
is to apply for a medical loan.
Mm-mm! Diane, the terms
of this loan are terrible.
I know! They say I have to
be an organ donor pre-mortem.
But it's my only option because
someone doesn't care about his employees.
Diane, I'm sorry this is how it is,
but it's not me. It's corporate.
You are corporate!
Yep, she's right, Gideon.
Our plan is terrible.
I had to take out my own appendix.
I'm sorry, it's not my call.
My hands are tied.
Kinky.
Uh
Today has been a lot.
What do you say we close up early
and grab a cocktail? My treat.
Thanks, Gideon,
but I'm not really in the mood.
Oh, Lord, this is bad.
May I have some juice, please?
Of course, you can.
The best part is, it's all natural.
Gimme another one!
You got it.
Good call on changing up schools.
Today's going better than yesterday.
They can't get enough of the stuff.
Yeah. I think they're kinda
wound up on all the sugar.
More juice! More juice!
- Okay. Settle down, kids.
- Juice!
There's enough for everyone. Wow!
Alright kids,
this is our first away game of the season,
so let's show them what
Oh my God!
Hey! You think I wouldn't recognize you
in your new get-up?
What, are you following us?
Sir, I can explain.
This doesn't concern you, glasses!
Is he a bad stranger, Coach Davis?
He sure is, Braydon.
Get him!
Ow! Be careful, I have soft ribs.
- This isn't good.
- Ow!
Thanks for taking me to my surgery.
I'm impressed that you wanted
to get to the clinic so early.
Actually, I wanted to give my gals
a little send-off.
Kind of a "Thanks for the mammaries"
for Moe and Larry.
That's what you named them?
Me? Oh, no, Dan Aykroyd did.
This is where I fell overboard,
and these handfuls kept me afloat.
Oh! That's where I told
those Marines we got Bin Laden.
Thank you for your service!
At least I think they were Marines.
And that's where I got motorboated
by Harry Caray.
His heart stopped for almost ten minutes.
Don't know what you got 'til it's gone ♪
And that's where it all started.
The doctor's office
where I got these yabbos put in.
That's a shame that it's a taquería now.
No, it was always a taquería.
I'm gonna miss these honkers.
Well, at least your insurance
is covering the procedure.
Yeah Hey, did you tell Mark yet?
Not yet.
Bon, there's so much good ahead for you.
And you don't need a baby for that.
Aw, thanks, Diane.
And you don't need those babies
for good things either.
Wah! Sweet Lord,
those things are rock-hard!
Yeah, it's not good.
Good job, Timmy.
Work as a team, boys.
Get outta here!
Daniel, put your foot on the brake!
I did! It's still not working!
We don't have time! Hit the gas!
Oh my God! Feather!
Daniel
you need to get me to a doctor.
I think I broke a couple bones.
Be on offense, like The Rock Johnson!
What, the porno actor?
There he is! Get him!
And stay out!
How are you feeling?
Not bad. I did some
pre-anesthesia edibles in the elevator.
Oh, jealous!
Well, all that's left for you to do now
is sign these loan papers.
Right. Let's get it over with.
Don't sign anything!
She's covered.
How did you get back here?
There's no one up front.
Damn it! We have to hire a temp.
I thought only managers were covered.
Well, someone at Borough
just made you a manager.
Oh, hell yeah! Gideon, you're fired!
Oh, it was me, you goofy fool!
And to be clear, you have
no additional authority at work. Okay?
Seriously, Gideon, thank you!
I will never forget this.
Ugh. And I'll never forget
the sight of you in this gown!
You know you have it on backwards, right?
Grr!
Daniel I don't think I'm gonna make it.
Feather, don't you die on me!
Out of my way, you douche penis!
Less meals, more wheels!
Yes! The open road is my bitch!
I brought Diane some White Castle. Oof!
It is pungent!
Burns the throat.
I gotta say, I'm glad we won't be
having our baby in a place like this.
I mean, where's the harpist?
Mark, I have to tell you something.
When I went to the doctor, she told me,
there's no way for us
to have children naturally.
My body just can't do it.
Oh, Bon, sweetheart.
It's okay.
I'm open to trying anything.
We can do surrogacy
Oh, oh! I just listened
to a fascinating Fresh Air about cloning.
Terry Gross interviewed this sheep and I
Mark, it's fine.
You know, I've thought about it,
and maybe it's not our time
to have another kid.
There's a lot of good things in our life.
Let's just appreciate the people
we have with us here now.
You're sure?
I am.
Help! Help, please!
Where's the oxy? I know you have oxy!
- Hey, kiddo.
- What are you doing here?
Diane's in surgery.
I'm sorry, what?
It's no big deal, she just has
to get her implants out.
Moe and Larry?
How come no one told me
she was having surgery?
We didn't want to worry you!
I don't want to be treated
like a fragile flower anymore!
I drove here! On highways! Like a boss!
Are you the one that ran over your friend?
I am. Is he okay?
Yeah, he'll be fine.
That's fantastic, thank you.
You two were so worried
about me freaking out,
you waited to tell me
you were trying to have another kid!
We're not doing that anymore.
What? Since when?
Like, two minutes ago.
Oh.
Okay, well, thank you for telling me.
Mm?
I knew there'd be kick-ass rock in heaven.
Aunt Diane, you're fine.
I DM'd the station. Listen!
That last one was for Dirty Diane!
Comin' up next,
we got a couple of juicy GILFS
who are gonna see how many White Claw cans
they can stuff in their mouths.
There's no way those bitches
can out-stuff me!
- God, Diane, your gown is
- How is that show still on?
This is what I'm meant to do!
Turn up the radio ♪
I need the music
Gimme some more ♪
Turn up the radio ♪
I want to feel it got to
Gimme some more ♪
Now listen! ♪
I want to shake, I want to dance ♪
So count it off a one, two, three ♪
I feel the beat, I'm in a trance ♪
No better place to be ♪
Daytime nighttime, anytime ♪
Things go better ♪