Clarkson's Farm (2021) s02e06 Episode Script

[theme music playing]
That's not a happy face.
-[Jeremy] Well, it isn't a happy face.
-What happened?
-They're not going to do it at all?
-No.
Total refusal.
And the lawyer told the council
All right, Alan.
That's made us redundant then,
for the next six months.
[Jeremy] You're redundant.
Fucking planners.
You must have
come across them a lot.
[Alan] Fucking ridiculous.
Fifty plus people,
that would have employed.
[Alan] Unbelievable.
What about all the farmers
that would have employed, you know,
pork and stuff like that, local people?
[Jeremy] I know. We told them that.
Crop to farm.
It's not gonna happen now, is it?
[Jeremy] And now we've got these cows
and absolutely no way
of selling them profitably.
[Kaleb] We're committed now, aren't we?
-Investment.
-[Jeremy] Yeah.
-'Cause there was gonna be a restaurant.
-Yeah.
I know people at home
are going to be thinking
"Why did he spend all this money
before he got planning permission?"
Well, if the restaurant
opened in April, May,
whenever Alan got it built,
you had to be able to sell something.
That's why we got the cows now.
'Cause I couldn't see a reason why
they'd turn the planning permission down.
I didn't know that that man
watches Sky At Night.
I couldn't see that that was
a relevant fact.
-You can appeal.
-Secretary of State.
What's a Secretary of State?
What does that mean?
Secretary of State
is the actual government.
[Charlie] Yeah.
We can't not do anything.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] The next day at the farm shop,
Lisa and I were discussing the fallout.
So you know I worked out last night
how much I spent on the cows so far?
[Lisa] No.
-Right. On the whole cow enterprise
-Yeah.
Bearing in mind we were going to get
£10,000 a cow in the restaurant.
This is the cost so far
of the cow enterprise--
£240,822.20!
Yeah.
Nigh on a quarter of a million pounds.
-Now, if you sell ten grand a cow
-Yeah?
-Twenty-five cows
-Yeah.
Ten grand,
and we've paid for the cow enterprise.
[Jeremy] If you were to sell a cow
to a supermarket,
you get twelve hundred quid, basically,
for a cow.
So, now I've got to sell 250 cows.
And I haven't got 250 cows.
I mean, it's gonna be thirty years
thirty years before we turn a profit.
[Jeremy] The other problem was that
our request to make a parking area
had been tied in
to the restaurant application.
So now, because it had all been refused,
we wouldn't be able to provide parking
for visitors to the farm shop.
The council's saying that this is an Area
of Outstanding Natural Beauty,
which it isn't, because look.
And we say to them, "Can we have
permission to put some hardstanding down
"so that visitors can not chew
the fields up?"
"No, you can't."
And people can't go in that,
so they go and park on the verge.
If you come and look at this
So the locals complain that people are
parking on the verge and chewing them up.
Which is true, they are.
Right, so we say to the council,
"Can we build a car park?"
"No, you can't."
[Jeremy] Back at the office,
I discovered that even people
on their side of the fence
agreed with me.
I've had messages on social media
from councillors
in other councils saying
that decision was idiotic
and that I should take them to court.
And I've had one
from Roger Daltrey saying,
"Welcome to the land of no.
"I'm sorry to hear your planning
was turned down, Jeremy.
"How dare you diversify."
This is the lead singer of The Who.
I'll listen more to him
than some Herbert councillor.
"I am putting in planning permission
for a microbrewery on my farm.
"Water from a spring, hops and grain
from the local farms.
"The cost of just putting in the planning
with all the environmental surveys,
"newts, bats, earwigs and such:
£70,000.
"How can the average farmer afford that?
"Oh boy, can you have some fun with this
when you go to appeal.
"Be lucky, mate. Roger."
[sighs]
[Jeremy] I then had to break the news
to our little cooperative.
-[Jeremy] They've turned us down.
-[man] Yeah, we heard.
That's really disappointing for us.
We're desperate, on our knees,
to get rid of more pigs.
Our farm's overflowing with pigs
at the moment.
Pig farmers are suffering Well,
I was about to say "more than anyone."
But Emma's got TB, so.
So how many
You've lost sixty cows now?
Yeah. Yeah, sixty in total.
[Jeremy] And you can't get rid of pigs.
We can't get rid of them.
And the price is horrendous.
And the feed costs are astronomical.
We're cereal farmers
and we're buying in wheat
at these astronomic prices
to feed the pigs.
They're making no money.
Jesus!
[Jeremy] I then went back to the farm,
and got some bad news
about the thumb-flavoured crisps
I'd been making from our potatoes.
"Environmental and regulatory services
of West Oxfordshire District Council.
"According to the results,
the sample measures
"10,500 micrograms of acrylamide."
What?
My crisps are carcinogenic.
How many people knew
that a certain type of potato
when cooked in a certain type of oil
could perhaps cause cancer?
How would you know that?
[mutters]
Prepared from twenty
[groans]
So if I want to make crisps,
I have to use a different type of potato.
That means I've got--
How many tons of Melody potatoes
have I got in cold storage?
Which have started to sprout.
Oh God!
[Jeremy] The only good news
is that we couldn't actually sell
the crisps anyway
because at this point,
we didn't even have a farm shop.
[Jeremy] Right.
So we'll clear all this out.
[Lisa] Yeah.
[Jeremy] The council had decided
that its traditional green-tin roof
was an eyesore
and that it must be replaced with slate.
So the shop had had to close
while the work was done.
The problem we've got is because
we're having to put heavy slate on,
these simple beams and rafters,
or whatever they're called,
aren't strong enough.
So we've gotta replace
the whole structure of the roof.
It's almost like the council knew.
"Can we put composite slate on,"
which is light? "No.
"Gotta be proper slate."
It's, um
[scoffs]
[Jeremy] While the roof work
was going on,
Charlie was busy preparing
a new separate planning application
for a parking area.
That car park is, you know,
absolutely vital
to service the needs of the farm shop.
And if we've ticked the box
with the roof,
I'm really hopeful they turn around
and say,
"Yeah, great, have your car park."
[Jeremy] That left me free to get on
with some actual farming.
The hens didn't need much attention
as they were still toughing it out
in bird-flu quarantine.
[Margaret Thatcher's voice]
To those waiting with baited breath
for their favourite media catchphrase
"the U-turn",
I have only one thing to say.
You turn if you want to.
[laughter]
[Jeremy] But the new calves all needed
to have their ears pierced.
And, as I didn't know how to do that,
I had to ask Kaleb for help.
[Kaleb] These are the taggers, yeah?
[Jeremy] So that goes through their ear?
Yeah. We've gotta find 10002.
-[Jeremy] What, in there?
-There it is. Look.
Open up, open up. Relax.
Give it a bit of a spray with iodine.
Just to disinfect it.
And then go put it in his ear.
-I'm not doing that.
-Why?
Could you just-- It's the first one.
I've gotta see it being done.
Hold that one, then.
You do the tags, I'll do the ear.
[Kaleb grunts]
[Jeremy] They're all a bit surprised
by this.
[Kaleb] Steady, steady, steady.
I'm gonna get killed in a minute.
Let's do it quick.
You get 'em like that. Yeah?
[cow mooing]
[Jeremy] It's all right, cow. Relax.
We should have brought some nuts--
[Kaleb] Right, number two.
We've got another one.
-[Jeremy] What?
-Quickly.
[Jeremy] What? Another one of what?
[Kaleb] The other number two.
We've gotta put two in their ears.
You didn't tell me that.
There's thirty-seven, five
-[Kaleb] I need two
-Two!
[Kaleb] Got 'em?
[Jeremy] Please tell me
I've done this right.
[Jeremy] You've got new earrings!
Yes! Look at your earrings!
It's like going to Accessorize, this is.
[Kaleb] Next one, quick.
[Kaleb groans]
-No.
-[Jeremy] Is that your testes?
Yeah.
I reckon you could definitely
tackle this calf.
[Kaleb] Right, come on, then, quickly.
Quickly, quickly.
[Jeremy] What?
-[Kaleb] You see them two marks?
-No!
[Kaleb] There, look.
[Jeremy] I haven't got my glasses on.
There?
[Kaleb] No, no, no.
Now. Squeeze hard.
-[Kaleb] Hard! Hard!
-[Jeremy] She squeezed her ear up
-[Jeremy] She squeezed her ear up
-Hard, hard. That's it. Perfect.
[Jeremy] I did a thing!
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Once the tagging was complete,
the numbers all had to be registered
with the government's cow police.
So, Kaleb stayed in the shed
and rang them through
to Charlie and me.
-[Kaleb] Right. Are you ready?
-[Charlie] Yeah.
[Kaleb] So, 300225
[Charlie] Yeah.
[Kaleb] Is the mother of
50002.
Whoa, whoa 400002?
-[Kaleb] No, 5.
-5. 5?
How can that be?
[Kaleb] Trust me. Hear me out,
hear me out. Chill out. Chill out.
Right.
And now, I don't know.
[Jeremy laughs]
[Kaleb] The 400177
Yeah?
225's heifer calf is which one?
[Kaleb] Number 1.
[Charlie] No, that was 164's, Kaleb
[Kaleb] Number 3.
No, number 2.
Oh my God, this is hard.
The chances of these
being registered accurately: nought.
I'm still not happy about 300225.
That's the mother.
[Kaleb] Yeah? I just told you,
that's number 2.
-[Charlie] No, you didn't.
-[Kaleb] 3, sorry.
[Charlie] Yeah
Which one? Which one?
[Kaleb] Poppy's mum.
I just read her out, yeah?
I don't know who Poppy is.
-The first one. Number 1.
-[Kaleb] Right.
400177
is the mother of
40001.
Last time you said 500164
had calf 400001.
[Kaleb] 2.
That's number 2.
[Jeremy and Charlie laughing]
No, seriously
[Kaleb] I'm going from the beginning.
Oh no!
No! God!
Has anybody got a gun?
[Jeremy] After all that,
we assumed that registering
the numbers with the cow police
would be a breeze.
[automated voice] Thank you for calling
the British Cattle Movement Service.
Many of our people
are still working from home,
so you may hear additional
background noise.
We've gone back to work.
[automated voice] For information
on how we handle personal data,
and search Rural Payments Agency
This is what we have to put up with.
[automated voice]
Personal Information Charter.
To report animal births,
movements and deaths to us,
press one.
Please tell me your county parish
holding number.
That's the CPH.
Three, three, slash, one, zero, two,
slash, zero, one, six, zero.
[automated voice] Thank you.
Was that: three, zero, one
No! No.
[automated voice]
zero, two, zero, one?
Okay. Sorry about that.
Let's try again.
Please tell me your county parish
holding number.
Three, three,
one, zero, two,
zero, one, six, zero.
[automated voice] Thank you.
Was that: three, three, one, zero, two,
zero, one, six, zero?
Yes.
[automated voice] Right.
Please wait while I check those details.
Sorry, there isn't a match
between the CPH number
and the phone number you're calling from.
No ?
[automated voice] I cannot
put you through to the BCMS helpline.
For further help and information,
please hang up
and call the following number
during normal office hours.
The number is:
0345-050-1234.
Charlie, that was all recorded, OK?
I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it.
They can piss off.
I hate the government so much.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Mercifully, I was scheduled
to spend the next day
with a normal, nice, proper person
who wasn't from the government.
All right, looking for a man
called Robin,
who is a hedge person.
[Jeremy] Robin is a scout for
the British Hedgelaying Society.
And he'd come to see me
because Diddly Squat
had been invited to host
a prestigious competition.
There he is.
Examining the hedge.
Excellent.
-[Jeremy] Robin. Are you well?
-Always good.
[Jeremy] Have you found
a suitable hedge?
[Robin] Yes.
So we're going to lay this hedge,
with your permission,
from here right way round to there.
And we'll have thirty-two competitors
doing five different styles.
[Jeremy] You're basically making a fence
out of a hedge?
[Robin] Yes. Well, see, it's a craft.
[Jeremy] In my mind,
I was being rather cunning,
because I assumed
I was getting a free fence.
However
[Robin] The competition,
we start it at nine.
Five hours. You'll be very kind
to provide them with something to eat.
-Oh, so I'm doing lunch?
-Yes, yes.
How many people?
Thirty-two.
-Plus
-And wives and partners.
So it could be sixty? Seventy?
-Yes, yes.
-So, big lunch.
And does that tend to be in the house
or do we put up a marquee?
-If you're gonna put up a marquee
-A marquee.
And at the end of this,
you will put in the prize money,
etcetera.
-So I do the prize money?
-Yes, you do.
What sort of level of prize money
would it normally be?
Per class, it's about £240.
£240 per class and there's five classes?
Five classes, yes.
[Jeremy] This news caused me
to break out my emergency first-aid kit.
[Robin] Oh my God!
I'd been sitting
looking at the sloe gin
I mean the sloe berries.
These are ones we made earlier.
Oh my God. This is good.
-Cheers!
-[Robin] Cheers to you.
That's good.
-The sloe's out of there.
-Yeah.
Mixed with a little bit of gin.
There's a drink here I don't know
if you've come across it, King's Ginger.
Which I'm always amused by.
It says here: "This ginger beverage
"was specifically formulated
by Berry Brothers in 1903
"for King Edward VII."
"It was created to stimulate His Majesty
"during morning rides
in his new horseless carriage."
It was actually invented
for drinking and driving!
-"This'll keep you warm, sir."
-Horseless carriage!
[Jeremy] In his new horseless carriage
in 1903.
Yeah, yeah.
So, my mine's evaporated.
[laughs]
[Jeremy] After Robin's hedge fund
had emptied my wallet
and my drinks cabinet,
I went off to see
the entrepreneurial foetus,
who'd just invested in some new kit
for his ever-growing farm
contracting business.
[Kaleb] What do you think?
Have you got a new tractor?
A bit small.
[Kaleb] What do you mean, "small"?
210 horsepower.
-[Jeremy] Well, with boost.
-Yeah. Yeah.
[Jeremy] 185.
What do you think of the wheels, though?
I customised it.
-[Jeremy] Black wheels?
-Black wheels.
[Kaleb] I put a go-fast stripe on it
as well.
Where is it?
Is it on the roof?
No, on the bonnet.
So it starts here, look.
[Jeremy laughs]
So that's your go-faster stripe?
-[Kaleb] And it's on the top as well.
-Yeah, because
So the only evidence that you've got
a go-faster stripe is that.
Yeah.
185 horsepower.
How much was it?
A hundred and four.
Two and a half times more expensive
than my tractor
and with a hundred horsepower less.
Lifting capacity of this?
Eight point seven-five?
-Ten and a half.
-Yeah?
I've got GPS.
Right. And how long do you think
you're gonna have GPS before it's stolen?
Oh, a couple of months.
What's the longest
a farmer's ever owned GPS
before they get up in the morning
and someone's nicked it?
Probably six months
is the longest time.
[Jeremy] His piddly tractor's first job
would be to help me plant
the spring barley.
[Kaleb] You're missing a few, um
pins, look.
[Jeremy] Which meant
attaching the drill
to my vastly superior Lambo.
-[Kaleb] Oh my God!
-[Jeremy] What?
[Kaleb] It's a little shrew or something.
-[Jeremy] Oh, there he is! Oh wow!
-[Kaleb] Get the gun.
[Jeremy] Don't be so unkind.
-[Jeremy] You're not frightened of mice?
-I don't like rats and mice.
-It's not a rat, it's a mouse.
-[Kaleb] Can you finish him off, please?
I'm not gonna finish him off!
And I'm not going out there
with him in there.
[Jeremy] Do you think that goes
all the way down?
[Kaleb] Yeah, yeah.
[Jeremy] Come on, little mouse.
[Kaleb] Just dangle it down there.
He'll be all right.
[Jeremy] This is kind to the environment
and kind to animals.
Sir Attenborough would like me
for doing this.
[Jeremy] There he goes!
Mr Mouse!
[Kaleb] He's underneath your wheel.
He's actually underneath your wheel.
As soon as you move,
you're gonna kill him.
He's in the tyre tracks
of the tractor down there.
Come on! Out.
[kicks wheel]
[Kaleb] we can't afford to lose
any more time 'cause of the mouse.
Oh bloody hell. I mean, there's a lot
of decisions in farming
but this is a really nasty one.
[Kaleb] Just go.
[Kaleb] We've gotta go drilling.
[Jeremy] If I roll back a millimetre,
Mr Mouse is toast.
[engine]
Now, that is how you do a hill start.
[Jeremy] But then,
when I lifted the drill
Oh shit. I've rolled back!
[Kaleb] You just killed that poor mouse.
I'll bury him.
Back up.
[Jeremy] No, forwards.
Is he stuck to the tyre?
[Kaleb] He lived!
[delighted laughter]
[Kaleb] Meow!
[laughter]
The mouse lives because I can drive.
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] Crisis over,
we got down to planting.
Look at this,
we are working as a team now.
You're fertilising and I'm drilling
in the same field at the same time.
[Jeremy] And instead of expensive
chemical fertiliser
We were using my very own chicken muck,
which made Kaleb very happy.
My brand-new tractor's covered
in chicken shit. It stinks.
[Jeremy] The spring barley from here,
if the quality's good enough,
will go to the brewery and will be made
into Hawkstone beer.
That's why we have to do it
really, really, really
to the best of our abilities.
[Jeremy] However, at the moment
there was neither a farm shop
nor a restaurant
in which to sell that beer.
But, over at the Royal Academy,
Charlie was working on a plan
to sort that out.
To take the restaurant appeal
to the next level
is to take it to the Secretary of State.
We've got one shot at this.
This is our last chance.
So we need the best specialist advisors
to help with this,
and, you know, barristers and lawyers.
And I'm looking at, you know,
who they are now.
[lively music]
[Jeremy] By some miracle,
Charlie had also managed to register
the calves with the cow police.
And today was yet another milestone
in their adolescence,
because two of them
were due to be dehorned.
[Dilwyn] So I'm just gonna jab 'em.
[Jeremy] And this is what?
To calm them down?
Just to make 'em
They'll hopefully fall asleep.
-[Kaleb] Bring that gate round this way.
-[Jeremy] What, now?
-[Kaleb] Yeah.
-[Jeremy] That's the ticket.
-[Kaleb] This one first?
-[Dilwyn] Yeah.
-[Kaleb] Where does it go?
-[Dilwyn] In the neck.
-[Dilwyn] Is this the other one?
-[Kaleb] Yeah.
[Dilwyn] Jolly good.
We'll just leave 'em now for 10-15
minutes and they'll just fall asleep.
[Jeremy] Why do you get rid
of their horns?
[Dilwyn] Because the ones with horns
become dominant and bully the rest.
-[Kaleb] And safety for us as well.
-[Dilwyn] Yeah.
[Kaleb] Oh, there you go, look.
He's down.
Look at his face.
[Jeremy] Yeah, really sleepy.
The mother looking all concerned, look.
All right, mum, she's fine.
[Jeremy] There we go.
-[Jeremy] What's this? A local?
-[Dilwyn] Yes.
[Dilwyn] Normally, when they're conscious
you're grappling with them now.
But because we knocked 'em out,
it's a lot less stressful for the calf.
[Jeremy] Dilwyn's medical equipment
then became slightly less high-tech.
[Jeremy] Oh my giddy aunt.
You've set fire to her head.
Holy cow!
[Kaleb] So you keep going round
in a circle.
[Jeremy] But there's actually flames.
[Jeremy] Aw. That must hurt.
Aw!
[Jeremy] And this kills the horn?
[Dilwyn] Yeah, it burns
the germinal layer,
which is the bit of the horn that grows.
So you get rid of the horn
and also you get rid of the tissue
where the horn grows from.
Is this iodine you're putting on there,
Kaleb?
[Dilwyn] It's an antibiotic spray,
actually,
to stop it becoming infected.
And I'm gonna give her
an injection of a pain killer
'cause one of the things
that sometimes happens
is, as the anaesthetic wears off,
the head becomes tickly.
[Jeremy] I don't think anybody
who's ever had their head set on fire
says, "It's a bit tickly."
[Dilwyn] So there, that's one done.
[Jeremy] Poor little fella.
[Jeremy] Thankfully,
the coming weekend's activities
promised to be much less stressful.
[epic music]
[Jeremy] Thirty-two of the country's
finest competitors,
each allotted a nine-metre section
of unkempt hedge,
would be making a living fence
using five different styles.
Dorset,
North Somerset,
Midland,
Lancs & Westmorland
and Welsh.
[man] Welcome to Diddly Squat.
Judging will take place through the day.
The scores will be added up
on the computer this time,
so there'll be no mistake.
[laughter]
If you're all ready, go!
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] These premier-league fencemakers
had five hours
to complete their hedges.
And it wasn't just a beauty contest.
This is the traditional way
of creating a fence,
an impenetrable fence, from a hedge.
They've been doing it this way for
hundreds of years.
The idea is, you cut the trunk,
but not completely,
and then bend it over.
Here we go, look.
And he pulls them down.
Look at that.
You just go, "Well, you've ruined that,"
but he hasn't.
They're still attached to the roots.
But it'll now be going that way.
And then you have to find another one
to sort of intertwine it with.
And then you've got a living
Literally a living fence
through which sheep can't pass.
When they get the trunk down to that,
you say,
"Well, don't bend that,
it's just going to snap."
-[Jeremy] But it doesn't.
-[man] No.
[man] Eighty percent
is what you want to be looking for.
-Eighty?
-Eighty percent cut.
-[Jeremy] You need twenty percent left?
-[man] Yeah.
[Jeremy] And twenty percent is enough
-to keep the plant alive?
-Yes.
[chainsaw]
[Jeremy] As the hedge-bound managers
toiled away,
they were joined by a rival
from "Wall Street", and his wife.
-[Jeremy] Hi, Gerald.
-Good morning.
-[Jeremy] How are you, Mrs Gerald?
-Fine, thank you.
-[Jeremy] This is good, innit?
-Yeah, it is.
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
Yeah.
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
This, I don't know, I think I'll just
[continues speaking indistinctly]
That's what I didn't like about the job.
[Gerald's wife laughing]
Well, I'm gonna have a try at this.
[Jeremy] In fact, Kaleb and I
both decided to have a try.
Have you noticed again
how we are hitting
every single diversity target
that you have to hit on TV these days?
Black, homosexual, transitioning.
-That's what I used.
-Which do you want? That one?
I mean, I've gotta have the feel for it.
Why won't it cut
It won't cut through this.
Yeah, that's exactly what I was about
to do. Just show me again.
[Kaleb] Don't do it all for him.
[Jeremy] And again. Yeah!
[Jeremy] Having trimmed the branches,
on my own,
I switched to the axe
which went well.
[Jeremy] Oh, God!
[Kaleb] It's thinner.
Shall I start at the top
and then come down nicely like that?
[man] Yeah. That's nice.
-[Kaleb] A bit more?
-[man] Yeah.
[man] Excellent. Excellent.
[Jeremy groans]
[Jeremy] I've got it.
Jeremy?
Are you doing Midland style?
I'm doing a Brazilian,
unless I get it wrong,
in which case it's a Hollywood.
You don't know what I'm talking about,
do you?
Do you not know what a Brazilian is?
I've never ever seen a Brazilian person.
[Jeremy] Mercifully, we were interrupted
at this point by Gerald,
who wanted to inspect my handiwork.
[Jeremy] That looks great, doesn't it?
[Gerald] Dear oh dear.
[Jeremy] But that, that those
[Gerald] What a load of shit.
I mean [speaks indistinctly]
Every time you pull out you've gotta try
and get the baby between the stumps.
You're never gonna
[speaking indistinctly]
'Cause you're looking at cars and buses
and stuff all the time.
You can't mow-- You know,
it's like mowing grass.
You go whoof, like that, one hit,
and it's all done, innit?
[man] Yeah.
[Gerald laughs]
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] Having created nothing more
than a sodding great gap in the hedge,
Kaleb and I went to see
how the experts were getting along.
[upbeat music continues]
-[Jeremy] Holy shit, look at this.
-[Kaleb] That is amazing.
[Jeremy] This is absolutely stunning.
And this is Dorset?
Birds can nest in this, can't they?
[man] Yes. It's good for wildlife.
And butterflies.
Well, I think that's incredible.
[Jeremy] Oh, hello.
There's another beauty here, look.
-And that's Midlands?
-[woman] Yes.
[Jeremy] Yeah, they made
the Austin Allegro and the Morris Marina,
the Midlands.
But they do give us the best hedge.
That's a beautiful hedge.
Yeah. Is Midlands Birmingham?
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] Eventually,
the five hours were up.
The fencemakers went off
to have lunch in the marquee.
And Simon Cowell and Amanda Holden
moved in to start judging.
It's not following
the flow of the hedge.
But otherwise,
they've done a very good job.
[Jeremy] I did not envy their task,
because the whole length of the field
was now a work of art.
[soft music]
Judging over,
it was time for the prizegiving.
Third place in the North Somerset class
is Colin Clutterbuck.
[Jeremy] Well done, Colin.
Second place in the North Somerset,
Alex Bown.
[Jeremy] With the runners-up sorted,
Kaleb and I then had to announce
the overall winner.
And we were very slick.
Right, so, this is it.
The supreme champion.
-Do we know who it is?
-[man] Yes.
-I mean, we
-[laughter]
-[man] The supreme champion today
-[Jeremy and Kaleb arguing]
I know, but I need to know the name.
'Cause we
[man] Paul Gulliford.
[cheers]
He's done it. Congratulations.
Now you're gonna have
your local newspaper
I've gotta come round by you, have I?
You hold that one end.
Thank you all ever so much for coming.
We hope you enjoyed your day
and we hope you enjoy
watching yourselves on television.
Well, you will 'cause you won.
Everybody else is being edited out.
[laughter]
[lively music]
[Jeremy] On the Monday after
the wonderful hedge-laying weekend,
I went to the farm shop,
because Alan had finished the new roof.
-[Jeremy] Morning, Alan.
-[Alan] Morning, Jeremy. All right?
[Jeremy] Good work.
You've done a bloody good job.
That's the fastest
I've ever seen you move.
-No, it's not.
-Yeah, it is.
Yeah, that's bloody quick.
[Jeremy] Alan had also been busy
making the shop ready
for the arrival of the fire inspector.
Fire alarm's up there,
just if you don't know there's a fire.
And a smoke alarm.
"Ah!" Panic, panic.
-Is that the rules?
-Yeah, yeah. Listen.
Fire extinguisher's there,
in case you wanna put it out.
We had to put a light up there, look.
Emergency light in case it gets dark
and we shut at four.
And I put signs on the door
in case nobody knows which way to run.
[Jeremy laughs]
[Jeremy] The fire inspector then arrived.
-Jeremy. Nice to meet you.
-[Alan] Fire officer.
[Jeremy] And though Alan
had been very thorough,
this chap reckoned
we could go further still.
I would maybe just suggest
some emergency lighting on the outside
to cover any darkness.
I'm sorry, light out here?
Yeah, emergency lighting.
So if it's dark outside
and people obviously have to evacuate.
You know it's not a Boeing 747 this?
It's just a shop.
[fire officer] Yeah.
[Jeremy] Bottom line, though,
the fire inspector was happy
and the roof was how the council
wanted it to be.
All we needed now, then,
was planning permission
to put down some gravel
to make a car park.
[Lisa] Uh-oh.
Charlie's got a notepad and pen.
[Jeremy] And a couple of days later,
Charlie dropped round
with the planner's decision.
[Jeremy mutters
while reading the letter]
"Would not be compatible
or consistent in scale
"with the existing farming business"
-They didn't give us an alternative.
-"Visibly intrusive"
They simply say at the top that the--
-"Notice."
-Oh, "Hereby refuses the application."
[Lisa] They can't refuse the car park,
Charlie.
Well, they've refused everything now.
They've refused the restaurant,
the car park.
They've just refused everything.
The strange thing about this decision
is that this is--
They've just done this
without the committee.
[Charlie] They've done this
without committee.
So they haven't asked councillors,
they've just decided on their own.
Do you know all planning applications
are meant to be treated
in a positive and creative manner?
You know, for farmers,
the government policy
is supporting social and economic
development, wherever it is,
as long as it's sensitive
to the environment.
But we've still ended up with that!
-[Charlie] Yes.
-I know.
And we're always going
to end up with this.
A council have decided there will be
no more development of any sort
at Diddly Squat.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] To get a car park, then,
and, more importantly,
a restaurant where we could sell
our meat,
we'd have to appeal to the government.
[Jeremy] And you're not really seeing it
at its best
'cause you're looking into the sun.
But it's a hell of a view, that.
[Jeremy] And to help us do that,
Charlie had finally managed
to assemble a team
of legal Avengers.
If you have evidence on footfall,
on usage, on turnover
and all that sort of thing
from last year's operation,
that's going to be very, very important.
Where's the nearest footpath
in that direction?
-There isn't anything.
-[Jeremy] There is no footpath.
So the road, the visual receptor
would be the road.
Yeah, something like that.
And the building, I take it, was built
in accordance with the plans?
-There's no issue about that?
-Yeah.
[Jeremy] Once the legal team
had assessed the situation,
they laid out their plan,
which was impressive.
[man] So you appeal
to the Secretary of State.
The Secretary of State appoints
a planning inspector.
We'll be going for a public enquiry,
so he convenes a public enquiry
in an appropriate room.
And he hears the evidence, he hears
the advocates, he hears the submissions.
We're going to have a landscape bod.
We're going to have a transport bod.
We're going to have a planning bod.
We might have a farm business bod.
So, what's that, four witnesses so far?
-Lighting.
-Oh, lighting.
There may be a technical
lighting bod involved.
So that's four to five witnesses for us.
We can expect the authority
to match those.
We've then got a row of third parties,
who, I mean, someone like Mr Dewar
might decide he'd like to be
what's called a Rule 6 party,
which is where he takes
a formal position.
He's the one who had
the council's opinion, isn't he?
Yeah.
So you can well imagine that he might
decide to instruct planners,
landscape bods and turn up
as another party.
So we're then looking
two to three weeks of enquiry.
[Jeremy] Everything he was saying
was leading me to one question.
Broadly speaking, how much does it cost?
I did give a figure to Mark.
Which was?
It was on the basis
of a one-week enquiry.
How much would a one-week enquiry be?
Probably around two hundred
to two fifty.
[Jeremy] So a three-week enquiry
would be?
There'll be a larger brief for you
and then you have more refreshers.
It's going to-- So on that--
And someone from us. So
It's going to be £300,000.
If it's that long, yeah.
You talk about 300,000,
there are obviously
the consultants' fees.
Because each one's gonna have
to produce a proof of evidence,
-various documents go with it
-So that's more?
So more than 300,000?
300,000, that's the legal.
So QC, us, and then the witnesses.
The witnesses are all going
to have to be
[Charlie] It's gonna be half a million.
It is going to be half a million,
isn't it?
-When all is said and done.
-[man] Yeah.
[sighs]
[sighs]
OK, that's that, then.
You know, with that level of cost,
you know, there's no chance ever
of making, you know, a profit.
No matter, you know,
how good the business plan is.
Half a million pounds to fund an appeal
for the Secretary of State
that we might not even win,
you know
You know,
that's the notion of the restaurant gone.
I just Actually even
I don't know what we should do now.
[dramatic music]
[Jeremy] We're gonna have to live
in a murky, grey area
of loopholes and cunning reasons.
You can turn that into something
straightaway.
Hold on
[Charlie] We are allowed to do it.
[Kaleb] Why didn't anybody
figure this earlier?
I don't know.
It's clever this.
[upbeat music]