Close Enough (2020) s02e06 Episode Script

♪♪
[ Alex, Bridgette grunting ]
Why'd you put our box of stuff
so high up?
What photo could possibly
be worth this?
It's the one they took on
the Legoland roller coaster
where I'm rocking
amazing bangs.
I have to post it
for Throwback Thursday.
[ Grunts ]
[ Gasps ] Oh,
the Brewins bar.
Yeah, from the night
we first met.
I thought
you were so hot.
When you said hi,
I saw fireworks.
Uh, let's reminisce
a little faster!
What the hell?!
Our divorce papers?!
You said you signed these
over a year ago!
[ Grunts ] I must have
gotten distracted!
You know we're in
a golden age of TV.
So we're still married?
You need to let go
and sign these!
[ Both grunting ]
Aah!
[ Slow motion ] No!
No!
[ Groans ]
♪♪
♪♪
I can't believe you never signed
your divorce papers.
It's got these cool stickers
that tell you where to do it
and everything!
I always had this hope that
I could fix the relationship.
I guess it's time to destroy
that hope with alcohol.
Dude, is that that moonshine
we made in college?
Yeah, I just found it
in the garage.
Plus the blues record
we got the recipe from.
If drowning your sorrows
is what you seek ♪
Got a hooch so strong,
it'll knock ya into next week ♪
I could trace it back
to one day, Josh.
One night I made myself
this sando.
Stepped away
for one second.
When I came back, Bridgette
had scarfed the whole thing.
We got in a huge fight,
and I said I wish we never met.
The next day, she asked me
for a divorce.
If I could just go back
and stop that fight
Think of a memory
and take a shot ♪
To the sandwich!
Well, that's the era, baby,
you'll be brought ♪
You know what?
Tastes pretty good.
[ Both screaming ]
[ Both grunt ]
Aah! What the hell
just happened?!
Hey, does your room
seem different?
July 21, 1969?
[ Gasps ] My God.
We've traveled through time
to three years ago, when I got
into collecting '60s stuff!
Wait, "Time Hooch."
The whiskey did this.
"Think of a memory
and take a shot.
That's the era
you'll be brought."
So the whiskey recipe
is actually a recipe
for time travel!
"Rye, barley,
a dead man's pocket watch
mixed at the crossroads
under a full moon."
Okay, yeah, we should
have seen this coming.
Whoa! Remember when we used
to keep the couch over there?
So trippy.
Hide!
Holy crap.
Slightly younger us's.
[ Snickers ]
Look how dumb we looked.
See you guys later. I'm gonna go
see the new Kevin Spacey movie.
Nice!
That guy can do no wrong.
[ Both inhale sharply ]
I'm gonna go make myself
a big old I-talian sando.
This is the day
of the big sando fight!
If I can prevent that
from happening,
I can save
my marriage.
Okay,
when I leave the room,
Bridgette comes in
and eats my sando.
That's when
the argument starts.
Then let's hide the sandwich
so she doesn't see it,
then put it back.
[ Gasps ]
Dude!
You made it super oily.
How else do you
lock in the flavor?
[ Both grunting ]
Aah!
Hide!
Uh, Bridge,
where's my sando?
Bridgette: What are you
talking about?
My sandwich!
It's gone!
Alex, I didn't
touch your sandwich!
Oh, so I suppose it just
flew out the window!
Look, I don't know
what's up with you,
but you're being a jerk.
-Oh, I'm being a jerk?!
-Ugh!
-Okay, well, guess what!
I wish we never --
-Ooh!
-What the hell?!
Shh!
I'm you from the future.
Yeah, right. Here's a question
only I would know.
What year were you born?
Holy shit!
You really are me.
Hey, you've been
keeping it tight.
Alex,
I hate to say this,
but you gotta let
this sando thing go.
This fight leads to
the destruction of our marriage.
Really? But we've been off
the rails for a while now.
Remember that argument we had
at Candice's birthday party?
Oh, yeah. That's when things
really got tense.
You know what?
We got to go back there.
Why didn't we just go back there
in the first place?
We had a lot of fights,
okay?
Hey, you wanna
come with us?
[ Footsteps approaching ]
Bridgette's coming!
We gotta drink!
♪♪
[ All screaming ]
[ All grunt ]
Blow 'em out, Candice.
Oof. I could not deal
with monsters like these.
Yeah, the whole parenting thing
would not be a good look for us.
Oh, so you think
I'd be a bad father?
What? No.
You just said that.
But you're not exactly
disagreeing with it!
Ugh, I can't
deal with you.
Oh, you can't
deal with me?
Well, actually --
What the hell?!
Shh! Shh!
We're you from the future.
What? No way.
When were you born?
Both: 1982.
Ha ha! Oh, you are me!
Wow, you both look fit.
Listen, the fight
you were about to have
leads directly
to our divorce.
Are you sure about that?
I mean, this fight is really
just a continuation
of the one from
Bridgette's aunt's funeral.
I said her dead aunt
looked like Michael Shannon.
I mean,
I wasn't wrong.
Up top!
[ Grunts ]
You just forget
these precious moments.
Josh, stop
living in the past!
We have to travel back
to three weeks ago.
You shredded
the space-time continuum ♪
Now what you gonna do? ♪
Now, take a drink ♪
And meet the past ♪
But watch your step,
or you'll ♪
Unleash an endless series
of consequences ♪
That may prove to be worse
than the original problem ♪
You were hoping to solve ♪
You know what I mean? ♪
I mean, it's right there
in your face, man ♪
Dum, dum-dum dum-dum ♪
Dum, dum-dum ♪
Before you take it,
stop and think ♪
Is changing history
worth a drink? ♪
That's right,
you better think about it ♪
You better put that
drink aside for now ♪
Man, how many fights
did you and Bridgette have?
More than I remembered.
Wait, this is where I meet her
for the first time.
But we didn't fight that night.
-Don't you see?
Stopping all these fights
doesn't change anything.
We're still gonna lose our job,
get divorced, live in a closet.
We live in a closet?
Wow, sucks to be me.
The only way to fix our lives
once and for all
[ Gasps ]
is to stop me
from meeting Bridgette.
So if I never meet Bridgette,
she'll never end up
in my class at UCLA,
I'll never get fired
for dating a student,
and I won't end up a broke,
divorced loser
living in a closet.
I'll get my life back.
We'll get
all of our lives back.
Uh, they're twins.
There she is.
[ Gasps ]
♪♪
There!
Hunk -- dead ahead.
We've got to stop him
from seeing Bridgette.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
We can't.
All I wanted was to fix
our relationship, not erase it.
What the hell are you
talking about?!
This is our chance
to have a normal life.
But that's a life
without Bridgette.
Look, I'm the oldest Alex here
and, therefore, the wisest.
And I can see now that however
crappy my life turned out,
it's not because of her.
It's
It's because of me.
And me and me
and definitely me.
No way, hot stuff.
We're doing this.
Yeah, sorry handsome.
It's nine against one.
Wait!
You're gonna have to
go through me first.
[ Grunting ]
Come on, Josh!
We can't let them stop me
from meeting Bridgette.
Take that, Alex!
Ow!
Body blow, uppercut,
roundhouse kick!
Oh, no, I don't!
Ow!
♪♪
Alex, I just want you
to know
I got to pee so bad!
Aah!
Hey, barkeep.
You got any craft beers?
Maybe a double IPA?
Hey.
I'm Bridgette.
I'm Alex.
Wow.
Fireworks.
Yes!
♪♪
Josh, look out!
♪♪
[ Both grunt ]
Oh, man, we're way
in the future!
And we're all out
of Time Hooch.
What are we gonna do?
Alert! Alert!
These two humanoids
must be neutered and chipped.
[ Both scream ]
♪♪
Whoa!
-Get in, Dicktaints!
-Dicktaints?
That's how we say "dudes"
in the future.
-Cool.
-Dicktaints.
♪♪
Thanks for the ride!
-Sure.
P.S. -- "Dicktaints"
still means dicktaints.
[ Laughs ]
Oh, man,
they got us so good.
[ Chuckles ]
Dicktaints!
It's time
to let go of the past.
[ Grunts ] Sign.
Sticker there.
Sticker there, too.
Geez, what happened?
Are you okay?
I'm better than okay.
Here.
Oh, you signed?
What changed?
Well, I guess you could say
it wastime.
Okay, a lot of emphasis on
the word "time," but thank you.
♪♪
Well, huh.
What do you, uh --
What do you guys think
we should do now?
I mean, there's
one obvious option.
-So fit.
-Ooh, yeah, the forbidden fruit.
-Mm! So jacked.
-I wanna touch it.
I'm gonna touch it.
♪♪
[ Beeping ]
Insert its DNA
into the embryo.
Congratulations, gentlemen.
We're going to clone
a Neanderthal!
[ Laughs maniacally ]
[ Guitar strums ]
Good morning ♪
Good morning ♪
-How are you?
-Just fine ♪
It's so wonderful
to be with you today ♪
Wow,
am I Mr. Adam Levine?
Because you kids
have the voice.
[ Laughter ]
Good morning, children.
Mr. Campbell,
can I have a moment?
Certainly,
Principal Becket.
I'd like you to meet
River Lake,
our school's
new music teacher.
Well, enchanté!
Bienvenue to chamomile.
Oh! Thank you!
Everyone says
she's the best.
She'll visit your class
every Tuesday and Thursday.
These kids can be a bit shy
with strangers.
But don't worry,
I'll warm them up for you.
[ Slurps ]
-Mm.
What an empowering mug.
Oh, this? It was a gift
from the children.
Attención, class.
I'd like you to meet
our new music teacher.
Her name is Ms. Lake, and --
-Hello, kindergarten!
I'm River Lake.
If you know this one,
let me hear you sing along!
The more we say good morning,
good morning, good morning ♪
The more we say good morning,
the awesomer we'll be ♪
[ Chimes ring ]
With Dashiell and Emma
and Candice and Winnie ♪
She knows our names!
[ Drumming ]
When I say "good,"
you say "morning."
Good!
-Morning!
-Good!
-Morning!
[ Guitar playing ]
Children: Yeah!
Oh, fu-u-u-u-n.
♪♪
♪♪
-Good morning, Mr. Campbell.
-Good morning!
What do you say, Candice?
Are you ready to carpe
that diem?
[ Bicycle bell dings ]
-Mom! That's her! That's her!
So that's the Ms. Lake?
She has us just call her
"River."
Isn't that cool, Emily?
Nope, we don't do that.
She's just been going on and on
about River
these last few days.
Hmm, yeah?
That's neat.
[ Drumming ]
Rhythm is a language,
and you guys are speakin' it!
Tell me somethin', Esme!
What's the good word, Candice?
Uh, yes!
You guys, feel that groove!
Oh, I feel it!
Dr. Jam in da house!
And Dr. Jam says
y'all need to floss!
Gotta floss err'y day!
This feels racist.
Come on, class,
keep the beat!
You go, Mr. Campbell!
-Thanks.
Oh, and it's Dr. Jam.
[ Laughs ]
Whoa!
[ Children scream ]
It's all right!
Myrtle is okay!
See guys?
[ All screaming ]
Oh, God, blood.
Mm. [ Clears throat ]
What?
Oh, look, he's awake!
How are you feeling,
Mr. Campbell?
Um, I'm okay.
I just, um
It's 2:30?!
You've been with them
the whole day?
[ Gasps ]
-Oh, I stitched you up.
Don't you worry, we've been
having so much fun together.
River taught us how to read!
[ Chuckles ] Very funny,
Candice.
What?
Even Ethan?
Shh! Yo, I got to find out
if that dude eats the ham.
Okay, class,
that's it for today.
All: Ohh!
Oh, it's all right.
I'll see you again on Thursday.
Aw!
Girl:
We love you, River.
-Oh, God.
-You're pathetic.
-Who said that?
-Over here.
-[ Gasps ]
-Look at you, Campbell.
These kids used to love you.
Now?
You're the world's
greatest nothing!
That's not true!
Th-That's not true?
Oh, cut the shit!
This River Lake has made
a fool out of you.
Well, what was I
supposed to do?
She has perfect pitch
and this casual retro-chic style
that just --
-[ Spits ]
-Ow!
Shut up and listen,
you little bitch!
Do you want to get back
to being everyone's
favorite teacher or not?
-Yes, of course I do!
Then you have to
crush her.
♪♪
Ha.
Yes. Sip of me.
Sip my ass!
Okay, who's ready
for a musical parade?
All: Me!
All right! I'll give you each
an instrument and --
[ Gasping ]
Oh, my God!
What happened?
The instruments,
they're all broken.
What? Oh, no!
You know what? I bet those
punk fifth-graders did this.
Well, I guess music class
will have to be canceled today.
Oh, no. No, no, no.
The only instrument we need
is right here.
[ Beatboxing ]
[ Vocalizing ]
[ Vocalizing ]
[ All vocalizing ]
[ Vocalizing continues ]
I think we've got a front-runner
for teacher of the year!
[ Chuckles ]
Oh, see you all
next time!
Thank you so much for sharing
your heart songs with me.
[ Sighs ] Was that all you got,
you man-bunned little bitch?
E-Excuse me?
Busting up
my instruments?
I ought to
rip your dick off.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
Oh, please, Campbell.
You think you're
the first teacher
who tried to
Nancy Kerrigan me?
I've got dual
masters degrees
in music
and early childhood education.
I can drum circles around
your Montessori bullshit.
Big talk from someone who
only teaches two days a week.
Oh, I'm gonna
be full-time.
In fact, maybe
I'll take your job.
Youfrickin' --
Crap!
[ School bell rings ]
Um, River, we're hosting
a barbecue tomorrow
in honor
of my losing my first tooth.
Would you like to come
and sing,
since you're the best singer
in the whole world?
Sweetie, I'm sure Ms. Lake
is really busy on the weekends.
Candice, I would love to sing
at your rite of passage.
Yeah-ha-ha!
She said yes!
[ All cheering ]
♪♪
[ Hums ]
[ Chuckles ]
[ Bicycle bell rings ]
Unh!
[ Sobbing ]
Ow!
You don't deserve to
drink piss out of me!
You've never been invited
to a kid's house.
Now she's gonna
sing at one.
She -- She's a fake!
A phony!
It's time to strap on your dick
and end this!
♪♪
[ Vehicle approaches,
brakes squeal ]
♪♪
Okay.
[ Laughs maniacally ]
Neighbor: Hey! Cut those
brake lines quieter!
I'd like to try that.
So, how do you
know Candice?
What?
Mom, where's River?
She promised
she'd come and sing.
I don't know, sweetie.
But if you want, I could
get my guitar and sing.
Ew. I promised my friends
something cool -- a teacher.
Ding-dong!
[ Chuckles ]
Mr. Campbell? Uh, hi.
What are you --
I was just in the neighborhood
and thought Ms. Lake
might need this
for her big performance.
She didn't come.
Wait, what?
She blew off
your barbecue?
I guess there's some teachers in
this world you just can't trust!
Wait a second. I just happen
to have my karaoke machine.
Candice, how would you like it
if I sang?
-Uh, no tha--
-Yay, this worked out
for everyone!
Children, gather round!
Criss-cross applesauce,
por favor.
♪♪
Grace and greetings.
I'm Mr. Camp--
-River! You came!
-[ Gasps ]
-Hi!
Oh, Candice,
I am so sorry I'm late.
I just came from
the hospital.
-Oh, God, are you okay?
-I'm fine.
I loaned my bike to my neighbor
this morning,
and he got into
a terrible accident.
He's gonna be okay, though.
And even better,
he and his doctor
fell in love!
All: Aw!
Mr. Campbell,
thank you so much
for warming them up.
♪♪
Finish her!
Okay, kids, whoever sings better
gets to stay as your teacher,
and the other has to drive out
to the desert to die.
Bring it.
It's a teacher sing-off!
I believe the children
are our future ♪
No, I do!
Teach them well,
and let them lead the way ♪
Show them all the beauty
they possess inside ♪
G-G-G-G-Give them
a sense of pride ♪
A lonely place to be ♪
And so I learned
to depend on me ♪
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yow ♪
N-N-N-N-N-N-N-No,
no, no, no, no, no ♪
I can't believe this.
Eeeeeeeh ♪
Caw, caw, c-c-caw ♪
Both: Can't take away
my dignity-y-y-y ♪
Yeah!
That was so great!
Maybe we do work
better together.
I'm sorry I tried
to steal your job.
And I'm sorry I tried to kill
you by cutting your brakes.
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
Only if you're thinking
what I'm thinking.
Let's sing the 1987 hit
"I Knew You Were Waiting"
by Aretha Franklin
and George Michael,
abridged karaoke version!
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Oh, yeah ♪
-Ooh, that's my favorite.
-I'd like to try that.
[ Chuckles ] Um, did we just
agree to become best frenemies?
Bitch,
you know we did.
No!
No friends!
Only enemies!
You don't own me!
-[ Panting ]
-Oh, everything okay?
Yeah, I'm just hot
off a psychotic break.
[ Laughs ]
Anyway, did you hear the goss
about Ethan's dad?
Ooh, spill the tea!
Word is he's getting
indicted.
♪♪
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♪♪
♪♪
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