Code Monkeys (2007) s02e06 Episode Script

1
Code Monkey like Fritos ♪
Code Monkey like Tab
and Mountain Dew ♪
- Aah
-Code Monkey ♪
Very simple man ♪
- Yee-ha!
- With big warm
fuzzy secret heart ♪
- Aah
Code Monkey like you ♪
- Ha ha!
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah!
- I love you, whores!
[Pounding on door]
Hello, God.
It's me--Dave.
Are you home?
There's something
I want to [bleep]
and I want to know
if it's cool with you.
What? Oh, where
the hell am I?
I told you already! I left your
daughter on the beach. I swear!
Michael Jackson: Hello.
Are you Dave?
I'm Michael Jackson.
Dave: Oh, hi, hallucination.
I see that you decided
to be a pop star this time
instead of an angry
purple hippo.
But I'm not falling
for your tricks anymore.
You only exist in my mind.
Michael: But I really am
Michael Jackson.
Dave: That's just what
Abraham Lincoln said.
Next thing I know,
I'm having sex with a dolphin
as a man with a beard
eats a lollipop.
[Funky music playing]
Nice, but everybody knows
that hallucinations can dance.
If you're real,
then kick me in the nuts.
Michael: Violence gives me
the cry-alones.
Dave: What's the matter?
Are you scared hallucination?
Michael: Hee hee!
[Indistinct].
- Aah!
- I'm sorry, gentle friend.
Please forgive me, testes.
A point had to be made, and
you're the unfortunate victim.
Dave: Oh, my balls totally hurt!
You really must be
Michael Jackson!
Michael: Dave, I am
Michael Jackson.
I've got a new album
coming out called "Thriller,"
and it's a whole new thing.
It's sexy--hee hee!
spooky--ha!
and mysterious--shamon!
I want to make a video game
to go along with it
and you're my
favorite programmer.
I love Moon Tennis.
In fact, I have a dance
based on the moon.
Dave: Yeah, drugs
will do that to you.
I want to make an awesome game
like that with spooky.
I want to use dance
that scare away the undead,
you know, for kids.
Can you help me?
Dave: Can I help you?
Let's jam on.
Michael: "Jam on"?
I like that.
Dave: Been saying it for
years. It's yours.
I also have "Talk to the hand,"
"My bad,"
and "This is totally rape,"
but I use it in a good way,
you know, positive.
["Thriller" intro playing]
Michael: See? I started
programming it myself,
but I ran into some trouble.
Dave: Oh, lookit, man, I found
the problem right here.
It sucks.
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna fix your game
and I'm gonna let you have me
in your music video.
Michael: Sure, Dave,
anything you want.
Dave: Yes! Yes, I'm gonna be in
a 120 minutes?
OK, what do you
want it to look like?
Michael: It's hard to express
in words,
but something like this.
Dave: That is the gayest thing
I have ever seen,
but also the most awesome.
It's like you're wearing
shoes made out of science.
Michael: I feel like I have
a new friend in you, Dave.
Dave: Awesome. It's
coattail riding time.
MTV, here I come.
We just have to get
Larrity to sign off on it.
Oh, man, I'm about to be
neck-high in lady parts.
Jerry: Hey, hey! I brought
everyone lemon squares.
Mary: I'm so bored!
Nothing cool
ever happens here.
Dave: Ha ha! Yeah, right.
I am cool.
Oh, hey, guys.
Oh, this is my new friend
Michael Jackson.
- Whoa!
- Michael Jackson?
He's hired me to sing
at his birthday party.
We met at the Awesome Genius
club.
Oh, and P.S., I'm gonna be in
his new music video.
And girls are gonna want to
blackjack my Tom Selleck,
if you know what I mean.
- Hee hee!
Michael: You're funny, Dave.
Hi, everybody.
- Hi, Michael.
- Oh, hello.
Clare: Did you see that?
He just said hello to me!
It's Michael Jackson!
It's Michael Jackson!
Aah!
Dave: Mr. Larrity, we're making
a game with--
Larrity: Be still
my leaking heart.
You don't need to introduce me.
I know who you are.
I been a fan for years.
It's gonna be the best game
Gameavision ever made!
I swear it!
- Now I gotta go!
- He's never done that before.
I hereby declare that
really weird.
Dave: Michael,
you must listen to
everything I say about gaming--
I don't want to fight you.
Michael: And I think I told you,
I'm a dancer not a fighter.
Todd: Everyone! Cease
communications this instant.
There's a celebrity
in our midst.
Ha, dude. Can you be
cool, just for once?
Michael is just a person,
just like me,
because we are both
gonna be on MTV.
Todd: What? I'm talking
about this.
Jerry: How exactly did you
become the richest man in
Sunnyvale?
Dave: Yeah, did I miss the
switch to
a cheese- and tears-based
currency?
Todd: Well, knave,
what you do not know
is that I sold a very rare
Vorpal sword
for 12 million
pieces of gold.
Michael: Whoo! You're rich.
Dave: No, dude. He means
imaginary gold,
which is actually made out of
elf farts and werewolf nog.
And I bet you called the paper
yourself
to tell them about your
imaginary windfall.
Todd: And what of it? May not
a king proclaim his reign?
Just imagine what may come
into my life
now that I am famous
and you're all jealous.
[Crickets chirping]
Larrity: I cain't believe I
just met the Latoya Jackson!
Son, we gonna put
every dollar we got
behind this game.
And before it's over, I'm gonna
put everything I got behind her.
Dean: Dad, you're so rad.
Laritty: Dean, I want to be
startin' somethin'.
W-what I mean to say is,
I gotta be startin' somethin'.
Dean: You're stuck in
the middle, bro.
Larrity: Damn it, boy!
You are a vegetable.
Dean: You mean like an apple?
Todd, what are you doing here?
You're so annoying.
Todd: I'm setting up
an autograph booth.
You know, it is such a burden
being this famous.
I was out today, and everyone
just kept pointing at me,
saying, "Look at that."
Clare: Eww! That's because
your penis is hanging out
of your pants again, Todd!
Todd: Ah, it looks like
little Bilbo
has come out of his
Hobbit hole for some sun.
Mary: Where did
Michael Jackson go?
Black Steve: Yeah, we were
supposed to watch
the mother[bleep]
sunset together.
I brought brie and everything.
Todd: Who the [bleep]
is Michael Jackson?
Man: You the dude
with all the dough?
Todd: Don't tell me.
You'd like my autograph.
Well, the signing will begin
promptly at 5:45 pm.
Man: Yo name Todd, right? I got
somethin' you need to hear.
Long time ago, you made it
with a beautiful black woman.
- But Todd's fat.
- No way.
Todd: Hold on.
This sounds right.
Mary: There is no way
Todd made it with anything.
Todd: Of course I did,
and it was quite erotic.
Man: You did the nasty
in her special place,
and then I came out that special
place a few months later.
Todd: So that's
how it works. Oh
And that is what I did,
with a woman no less,
proving to you all
I am not homosexual
like a gay man
or asexual like a mollusk.
Man: Ha! I knew it was you
when I seed you in the paper.
And what birth name did
the black woman
I slept with repeatedly
choose for you?
Ronnie Jean. My mama's name
is Billie Jean.
Todd: Oh, of course.
Billie Jean. One of
my many conquests.
Yes, I plundered
her cave of treasure.
Everyone, allow me to
introduce my heir.
Ronnie: You smell like
nachos, Pop.
Todd: Nachos and Drakkar Noir,
a smell you will soon
grow to love.
Ronnie: What the hell is that?
Todd: Oh, that's my raven
Nicodemus.
Ronnie: He look like a chicken,
and I think he's sick.
Damn, Pop, you are rich!
Look at all this treasure.
Todd: Ah, my elven gold.
Each token is good for one ride
on the miniature ponies
at the Pleasure Fair.
Ronnie: Now, lookee here, Pops,
let's get down to my allowance.
Todd: As the book says, the
weekly allowance of hugs
is important for
a child's development.
Ronnie: Nah, man, cash.
Money.
Todd: Well, allow me to inspect
the contents
of my coffer/purse.
Ah, here's a dollar.
Husband it wisely as befits
your noble station.
Ronnie: As open or closed, cuz.
- Excuse me?
- Huh! Aah!
Todd: I did not know
such strength ran in my veins.
Our empire shall be mighty.
Nicodemus, I am
about to pass out.
I would appreciate you
not eating
any of Daddy's
soft tissue.
[Squawking]
Black Steve: What you know,
good Michael?
This is how
Black Steve gets down.
Bust a move, Mike.
That's how you do that, bitch.
You want to check out
my office?
Dave: Come on, dude. We're
trying to make a game here.
Michael: Please, Dave.
Pretty please
with sugar and funk on top.
Dave: Fine, but I want to
get this done soon,
so I can be a rock star
and get rich and retire
to an island paradise,
and if that's gonna happen,
these vampire backup dancers
need some sweet choreography.
Yo, man, this is
pissin' me off.
Todd: Son, if you do not learn
the fundamentals of sword play,
how will you attract
a woman of your own?
You may not know this,
but your mother was first
attracted to me when she saw the
vigorous thrusts of my sword.
Ha ha ha!
How bawdy that sounded,
that clever double entendre
I threw out there.
Mary: Ugh! There's no way
he's Todd's son.
Todd: I'm trying to say
in the parlance of our time
that I [bleep]ed your
mother's brains out.
Ronnie: Hey, Pop,
I got an idea.
why don't you let me
drive that lady locker.
Todd: Ah! How cute.
I'll tell you what.
You best me now,
and you may drive it.
En garde! Aah!
Be back before
the street lamps are lit.
Love you too, son.
Michael: Hoo hoo!
Hoo hoo hoo!
- Hoo!
- Michael, come back.
I'm so sorry.
Sex is always weird with me.
Ask everybody.
Michael: Really, it's fine.
It's just--
Larrity: Hey, there you are.
I been lookin' all over
for you, Lay-toya.
Jerry: Latoya?
Larrity: I was gonna
show you my ballroom.
- Say no.
- Let's get gettin'.
- Hoo hoo!
- What happened?
Clare: I did it again.
I think I made another man gay.
Mary: Yikes.
If I cared at all,
I'd actually be
worried for her.
Jerry: Dave,
we have to stop this game.
Mr. Larrity thinks Michael
Jackson is Latoya Jackson.
When he learns the truth that
he's been hitting on a man,
he's going to freak out.
Dave: Hmmyou know what,
you might be right.
Let's go get a second opinion
on this one, though.
Dave: Hey, Black Steve.
Hey, Jerry just told me
that "The Color Purple"
is the stupidest movie
he has ever seen.
Black Steve: What?
Screw you, Jerry.
I'll show you stupid.
You're gonna watch
"The Color Purple" over and over
till you get your head straight.
I dare you not to cry, bitch.
I dare you.
Jerry: Damn it, Dave--oh!
Dave: Shame on you, Jerry.
Shame!
Sorry, man, but there's
only one seat
on the success train today.
All aboard! Boop boop!
Good-bye!
Michael: Hoo hoo!
What's that one?
It looks so sad.
Larrity: Those bones over there
belong to elephant man.
Michael: He's so beautiful
and fragile.
But isn't it weird
to own another man's bones?
Larrity: Heck, no! That's
as natural as flowers or murder.
If you own another man's bones,
you get all his power.
This poor bastard's bones
gave me the power
of a man and an elephant.
You know what,
I want you to have that power.
- I couldn't.
- You deserve the best, honey.
And in return, I gots
one favor to ask.
I'd be much obliged if
you could teach me
those sweet moves,
angel eye.
[Funky music playing]
Whoopsie daisy!
I'm sorry about that.
Why don't you
hold me tight
like a golf pro holds
a bored trophy wife?
It's the only way I learn.
Michael: I'm confused. Clare
freaked me out and now this?
I just remembered,
I have to go.
Larrity: Hurry back, Lay-toya.
I love a gal who
plays hard to molest.
Todd: You stripped my chariot
to the bone.
Ronnie: Nah. I got in
a terrible accident.
And you know what, man?
A real father would be
worried about his son,
not his crap-ass van.
Mary: Whoa, Todd. What the hell
happened to your van?
Did your fake son
sell its parts for skank money?
Ronnie: How about we get
some sizzlers and [bleep]
in the bathroom stall?
Mary: How about you
meet my pepper spray?
- Ow! Ooh!
- Oh, that's gotta hurt.
[Michael crying]
Finally you're back.
I need some ideas.
What can the zombies do?
Michael: Um, I don't know.
Maybe just crawl
out of the grave and
Dave: Do an intricate
line dance. Yes!
Michael: Dave, I came to tell
you that I have to go.
This place is just
too weird.
Two people tried to
make me do things, bad things,
and I cry enough as it is,
so I'm gonna go
somewhere else, OK?
Dave: You're gonna change your
tune when you get
a hot load of zombie dancer
in your face.
Let me show you
what I've done so far.
For the intro,
you're a hovercraft
that turns into a tiger
that turns into you,
Michael Jackson,
in clothes from
the Roaring '20s.
Michael: That doesn't
make any sense.
Dave: That's what happens
when you leave me here alone
with Wrath of Bong.
Now, here is the first level.
Use the power of dance
to cripple zombie cops
who want to outlaw dancing.
Michael: OK. What is
level 2 like?
Dave: That's when you
box Joe Pesci
and then fight Marlon Brando,
who is the crime boss.
- Get it?
- No.
Dave: Oh, man, you should
turn into sand in level 3.
That's brilliant, right?
For the last time, Dean,
no, I don't know
how they get the tiny ship
in the bottle.
- Now, beat it.
- I need to borrow him.
Dean: You promised to teach me
the spelling song.
Todd: Where are my things?!
My sword, my elven shield.
Where are my
tonics and potions?
Ronnie: Oh, hey, Pop.
You know where people buy
drugs around here?
I mean, you know, so I know
which bad places
to stay away from.
Todd: Ronnie Jean,
that is it!
I don't want to do this,
but it seems you'll benefit
from a mythological journey
across my knee.
Ronnie: You put me
across your knee,
and I'll put you
in the grave.
- Uhh
- Next time, you get cut.
Uhh!
Thanks for letting me
take a nap here, Benny.
I was so tired from teaching
Dean "ABC."
He just doesn't get it,
poor thing.
Benny: Michael Jackson,
you smell like a mother[bleep].
Michael: Oh, poor Benny.
You must get lonely
in here by yourself
all day,
but at least your daddy isn't
here stealing your childhood.
Benny: Oh, look!
Michael: It looks like you have
a little pal.
Reminds me of Ben,
this mouse I had as a child.
- Oh!
- [Indistinct]
It just means
more for Benny, bitch.
- Is anyone sitting there?
- [Bleep] off, pal.
Todd: That's a penny
in the swear jar, mister!
Children these days
have absolutely no respect
for their elders.
I can tell you right now
things would be drastically
different
if we were in Toddonia.
Michael: Toddonia?
What's Toddonia?
Todd: What is Toddonia?
It's only a mythical land
where no one is unhappy
and no one ever gets old.
Michael: Can I go there?
Todd: No. What are you,
an idiot?
It's mine. However,
you may build an imaginary
land of your own,
and it may be sited
in the vicinity of Toddonia.
Michael: I'm gonna
call mine Narnia.
Todd: You may not! For that
land is mine as well.
Michael: How about Neverland?
Todd: Surprisingly,
that would be OK.
"Peter Pan" was published
before 1923,
which allows you
unfettered use
of Mr. J.M. Barrie's creation.
Michael: Thank you. Tell your
son about Toddonia
and take him there
because I'm starting
to think this world
is a horrible place.
Todd: It is time we talk
of Toddonia.
Ronnie: Hey, man, I want to talk
to you about
what happens when you die.
Todd: Well, son, there are
various theories on that.
Ronnie: No, man,
when you die.
I want to make sure
I get your money.
I don't want to get [bleep]ed
on a technicality.
Todd: I'm fine.
Ronnie: Well, somebody could
put an axe in your face.
- OK.
- It happens.
And just in case,
I took the liberty
of drawing up these papers.
You keep all that
sweater meat covered up,
nobody gonna ask you
for a taste.
Mary:
The cafeteria is closed.
Dave: I'm begging you
as a friend, just hang tight.
Michael: I don't know if I can
take it here anymore, Dave.
This place
makes me feel ooky.
I wish I could
go to Neverland.
I don't know about this.
Dave: You go with the monkey,
but then you have to
come back and finish the game.
You know, I might as well
do everything myself.
Larrity: Latoya is guaranteed
to go wild
for my wild animals.
Get it, son?
Dean: Word jokes make
my head meat hurt.
Larrity: You love that elephant
man skeleton so much,
I thought you'd want to see
some real live animals.
Michael: This one's
so beautiful.
Larrity: But compared to you,
I think it looks like
a lump of [bleep].
- You want to touch it?
- OK.
Why isn't he in a cage?
Isn't that da--
Aah! My nose!
My beautifully proportioned
rounded nose!
Get me to a hospital!
Larrity: Shh! Quiet down.
Quiet down,
my sweet caramel apple.
There's nothing I like more
than to take you
to the hospital,
but we can't have this thing
getting out.
It'd be bad for the game.
Dean! Go get the Bactine!
[Michael crying]
My nose! My poor beautiful nose!
I'm gonna die,
and I get a bad feeling
the angels don't come
to this place.
Dean: Smell my finger.
Ha ha! You can't, bro,
'cause your nose is gone
and that's where smells go.
Larrity: Quick! Somebody get me
a first aid kit!
My sweet, sweet
Nubian princess
has been attacked
by a tiger!
Dave: Step aside, everybody.
I have this bleach.
Michael: Aah! My beautiful
black face!
Man: It makes no difference
if you're black or white ♪
Michael: My beautiful skin!
I'm a monster, and all of you
are to blame.
Larrity: We gots to get her
to Dr. Gupta's. Hurry!
Mary: I can't say this
any more clearly.
Ronnie is going
to murder you.
Ronnie: Hey, Pop.
Want to play axe catch?
Todd: Ah, you would like to
pursue your Woodsman badge.
Excellent. And I'm something
of a woodsman myself.
You know what I mean?
That I [bleep]ed your mother.
Ronnie: Come on, man,
it's moneymaking time.
Larrity: Don't worry,
sweetheart.
We'll have that nose sewn
right back on.
- Aah!
- Oh, my gosh!
Jerry: Ronnie Jean cut off
Michael Jackson's hand!
Dave: Michael, you can still do
the video with one hand, right?
Oh, by the way, how was
"The Color Purple," Jerry?
Jerry: It was totally fly,
right?
Todd: That's it, son.
I am declaring open season
on your buttocks!
Black Steve: Todd, Ronnie
is not your son.
I know Ronnie Jean from
that bar Blacksion.
He owes me 50 bucks.
Ronnie: I'm gonna get you back
as soon as I get
this life insurance
money, man,
for real this time.
- Yeah, right.
Todd: Let's put this debate
to rest once and for all
because I am a genius
and I foresaw such an event
and have a test
for you, son.
Ronnie Jean, it's time to pull
the sword from the stone.
To the cemetery!
Eerie voice: Darkness falls
across the land.
The midnight hour
is close at hand.
Demons crawl in
search of flesh.
They wear half T-shirts
made of mesh.
- Who said that?
- Blahh!
Todd: Oh, hello, Keith.
I heard you got fired
from the DMV.
Keith: Screw you, Todd.
Todd: And there it is.
The sword in the stone.
Remove it to see if you are
indeed my lost lamb,
the polliwog
of my frog milt,
my half-blood prince.
Wow! It's proven
beyond a doubt.
Todd: Wait. Now give me
my money.
Todd: But you are
not my son!
My true son would be
weak and useless,
unable to pull a toothpick
from a grilled cheese sandwich.
I should have
seen the signs.
You don't like nachos.
You didn't want to wash mother.
And your paltry knowledge
of fantasy and sci-fi
would leave you defenseless
on [indistinct].
Ronnie: Oh, yeah, Pop?
Well, there can be
only one.
Todd: Highlander.
Very good.
Aah!
[Gunshot]
Black Steve: Ain't you got
any survival skills?
You're like a damn manatee.
Todd: Black Steven,
you saved me.
Black Steve: I told you that
dude owed me 50 bucks.
By the transit of property,
guess who owes me 50 bucks now?
Todd: Will you
take a check?
Gupta: This is a sad day.
We should all be ashamed.
Michael was bitten,
bleached, dismembered,
and someone
set him on fire.
Dave: Nobody set him on fire.
Gupta: I am sure
it will happen soon.
Larrity: Whoa, wait a minute
there, Gupta.
what did you call
my sweet Latoya?
You said something
like "Michael."
What's a Michael?
Todd: Billie Jean
was not my lover.
She's just a girl
that said that I was the one.
Ronnie Jean
was not my son.
Man: Don't think twice ♪
Dave: Is this a hyperbaric
chamber?
Gupta: Even more advanced.
It is filled with liquid oxygen.
Dave: Cool. Burn 'em if you
got 'em, dudes.
Michael: Oh! Ha ha!
Dave: Ha ha!
Look at him go!
He's on fire!
Yeah, Michael, go!
Larrity: Dean, do something!
Dean: You got it, bro.
Cool. I'm a fireman now.
I'm gonna grow
a mustache. What's up?
Dave: Sir, I'm telling you,
when "Thriller" comes out,
Michael Jackson is gonna be
the biggest star in the world.
Larrity: Keep dreamin', Davey.
No one's gonna buy an album
by that freak,
let alone a game.
Dave: But if we don't release
the game,
I won't be in the music video.
- Nuh-uh.
Dave: Come on! Michael's gonna
take me to the Oscars.
Larrity: Sorry, Davey,
the game is canceled,
just like my love.
After that Baba Walters special,
Michael's gonna be lucky
if he's not flapjacked
by two guys dead set
on giving him the old
microwave oven
in the back of
a Greyhound bus.
Baba: What do you say to people
who call you eccentric?
Michael: It's important to
understand that I'm not crazy.
Baba: Tell me about this outfit.
Michael: This suit protects
me from girls
who want to do
bad things to me
and old men who want
to dance with me too close.
Baba: Tell me about Neverland.
Michael: It's the place
I live.
All the animals are in cages
so they can't eat my nose.
And no grownups who
want to touch me are allowed.
Baba: Cut. This interview
is creeping me out.
Michael: Would you like
a tour of my basement?
It's where I hide
from all the bad people.
Michael: Violence
gives me the cry-alones.