Cooper's Bar (2022) s02e06 Episode Script

1
- [Cooper] My grandfather
was a bartender.
My father was a bartender.
Me? I'm a spy.
- Please, I can't take it.
I can't go on.
Please, make it stop.
- You said you got this.
- Sure.
At Quantico they took
it to six or seven.
I've seen drunk guys hit
eight or nine, but 10?
It'll kill me.
- Cold blimey, governor.
We'll be brown bread.
- A steely resolve is
the only damn thing
that's standing between
us and total annihilation.
- Coops, use your lump of lead.
- Kris, I don't know anything!
I'm telling you, these
guys are my buds.
I just loved Brenda's script.
- No one believes you, Cooper.
(dramatic music)
I've had my team at the
NSA read and re-read
the entirety of "Army
of the Unwanted."
It is so nonsensical
that it is clear
that something else
is going on here.
It's a code.
Give me the cipher or tonight,
you meet your maker.
(ominous music)
(electric buzzing)
- Hm, you finally made me laugh.
(grunting)
- End this calumny.
The cipher dies with me.
Ha!
Hiya!
Hiya!
Ya!
Ow.
Ow.
Ow, ow.
Ow.
My hip's locked.
Son of a bitch, ow.
- Cut.
Cut again.
Cut, cut, cut! Jesus!
(upbeat music)
- Ow.
Where where
are we going from?
- From the line you
can't seem to remember.
- Ow.
- Evil is only as strong as
bureaucracy's weakest spine.
Okay?
And then ka-cha, you
karate kick the battery
right into Kris Latimer's head.
You got it?
- You know, I've gotta
be honest with you,
the whole bureaucracy thing,
it's a little much, honestly.
Calumny, give me a break.
- It's calumny,
and I don't know,
because I've never
heard it said right.
- Hey Coop, do you
wanna just take it
from where you're sitting?
- Cooper, sit.
Can everyone please, please
give Cooper some space.
It has been a very long
time since he has had
a real acting job, all right?
So, hashtag respect
the olds, okay?
We got this, you
guys, we got this.
- Hey Cyrus, I mean come on,
how many more takes
do I have to give him
before we just pull the
plug on his life support?
How many?
- Hold on.
Cooper, you promised that this
ludicrous tiki bar redress
would put you in your groove.
Show me that we have not
wrecked this set for nothing.
Let's keep going.
- All right, let's
take it from please.
And please, if Pooperston Kino
doesn't get it right this time,
just bring me a (beeping) gun.
(crew chuckling)
- [Billy] Quiet on set!
(sighing)
Action!
- Ah!
Gah.
End this calumny now.
The cipher dies with me!
Evil's the spine of bureaucracy.
And
We
(beeping)
Do we really need
the karate kick?
- It's not karate, it's
Krav Maga, you idiot.
And it's how he knocks
her out, dumb ass.
It should not take 27 takes
to get one simple kick.
It is day one and I am
already three days behind.
Cyrus!
I need a word!
(sighing)
- Evil's only as strong as
bureaucracy's weakest spine.
What a mouthful.
What the (beeping) does it mean?
And then a karate kick?
I should just quit.
- They don't
deserve you, Cooper.
- It's not your fault.
You've got this lunatic
yelling in your face.
That's not directing,
that's abuse.
You need someone
who's got your back.
A good director would
be offering you support.
- Yeah, like a pair of crutches.
I'm too old for this (beeping).
- Such bull (beeping), man.
You just need better blocking.
- Yeah, and dialogue that
doesn't sound like it came
from the Waitrose Catalog.
- End this calumny?
No!
End this crazy (beeping) bull
(beeping) mother (beeping).
The cipher dies right here.
You slime bag suits gotta
go through me first.
- Whoa.
I love that, Brandon.
- And then we tap into your
superpower for the stunt.
Hi! Hi!
Ha!
- My secret agent ability
to make a mean cocktail.
- Ethan Hunt in "Cocktail."
- That does not sound
like a bad idea.
- [Billy] We'll get an MMA star.
- Forget it.
- [Billy] This guy's
blowing up right now.
- They're hashing out my
letter of termination.
- Let's talk to Antonia,
get some avails.
- Yes, yes, let's do that.
- Antonia!
- Okay, okay.
- You little prick.
- Bollocks to this.
We need that Dunkirk spirit.
Never give in.
Never, never, never, never.
We shall go on to the end,
we shall defend our show,
whatever the cost may be.
We shall fight in the studio.
We shall fight in the bar.
We shall fight in
craft services.
We shall fight in
hair and makeup.
We shall fight in the set.
We shall never surrender.
- Dave, we're not saving
Europe from German artillery.
- No, we're saving Cooper's Bar.
I'm gonna get your take 28.
Guys.
I've got an idea.
- Sure, yeah.
- [Crew] Rolling.
- Hey, did someone
just say rolling?
What?
- Britney Lasker's Cooper's Bar,
director David Butler.
16 delta.
Take 28.
- All right, settle.
And action!
- Ah!
End this crazy (beeping) bull
(beeping) mother (beeping).
The cipher dies right here.
Ha!
You slime bag suits gotta
come through me first.
Ha!
(dramatic music)
(shimmering)
(dramatic music)
- What the (beeping)?
Cut!
Cut!
(thudding)
- Holy (beeping),
Coop, you did it!
(cheering)
- Way to go, man.
- That was amazing.
So authentic, secret
agent bar man.
And that slime bag
suits line? Loved it!
- That was my line.
- Like I always say, the
28th time is the charm.
Right, Billy?
Bill?
Oh crap, cut.
- Check the gate,
that was amazing!
- It's digital,
but we got it, bro.
I would storm the
beaches of Normandy
with this guy any day.
- Yeah!
(applauding)
(cheering)
(light jazz music)
- Your first network premiere.
This is a big effin deal.
- They're screening it on stage
for the four major networks.
- Look at you,
Cooper B. DeMille.
- A bidding war could
change everything, Mary.
I mean, I can't
even think about it.
I'm gonna have a panic attack.
Cyrus says we need
to play it cool,
we can't look too thirsty.
Oh boy.
(clearing throat)
- I'd like to thank the Academy
and my 9th grade
teacher Miss Gilmore
for being the very first person
to believe in me as a writer.
- And I wanna let you
into a little secret,
this was the first episode of
television I ever directed.
(chuckling)
- Guys, we're supposed
to be playing it cool.
- Put it on.
This might not happen again.
- Oh boy.
- Welcome.
Welcome to a very special night.
Rarely as a head of a
studio have I ever been
as confident as I am right now.
- Woo.
- You know what I
think of loyalty.
It goes to the highest bidder.
(crickets chirping)
So as you reach for
your checkbooks,
I would like to
raise a gin and tonic
to the star of "Cooper's Bar!"
Britney Lasker.
- Oh, ho, ho!
I am such a klutz.
Such a klutz, hold
me up, okay, hello.
One second.
- Ha, ha, ha.
- Get outta here, bye-bye.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
I mean, look, this business
literally kills me.
(audience laughing)
You know, it's like
people always ask me,
they're like, who do you have
to (beeping) to get the part?
I'll tell ya who you
have to (beeping).
Mic. Right here.
(audience laughing)
It's been a long time,
I've been in Hollywood
a long time, okay?
I don't know where my
show would be without
my esteemed co-star
Cooper Marino.
Didn't realize that the
AARP had a boy band.
(audience chuckling)
Come on, get up here, come on.
So, when Cyrus told me that
he was casting Cooper Marino
he was in a panic.
He was like, I
just cast this guy.
He's a nothing,
he's a washed up nobody
no one's ever heard of.
And I was like, no, no!
No.
This is Cooper Marino.
Who is that?
(audience laughing)
No, come on, he's
been acting forever.
He is the star of an infinite
number of self tapes.
(audience chuckling)
So you are about to
see Cooper Marino,
as you have never
seen him before.
Because you have
never seen him before.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Cooper Marino!
Get over here, come on.
Hold it up.
Hold it right up to your
- Thank you.
- All right, let's go, come on!
- Okay, say listen,
thanks for coming
and we just want
(funky music)
- [David] My grandfather
was a bartender.
My father was a bartender.
(crowd murmuring)
- What on earth is
going on, Antonia?
- Don't worry, I got this.
I once found electricity for
a Madonna concert in Aleppo.
(ethereal music)
- Seize the hard drive,
laptops, I want the DCPs.
All these marketing materials.
(clapping)
All right, nobody leaves
until the IP is secure.
- Hey, that's mine.
- Actually, Coops, it's mine.
Everything in here is mine.
- Security!
Escort this woman out of here.
- Sorry, Cyrus, your
security works for me now.
Everyone in here
works for me now.
You guys should read Deadline.
(beeping)
- The Ascension Network
just bought the studio.
Kris Latimer is the
new chairperson.
- What?
- Chairman.
That's what they call
you when you make deals
that necessitate
big, hairy balls.
And the first move
I'm gonna make
as head of this company is
to (beeping) can this turd.
Ha, so, you're welcome.
"Cooper's Bar" is canceled.
- Okay hang on, hang on.
Okay, just hang on for a minute.
Please.
(beeping)
Damn it, at least
let us screen it.
Why do you have such a
(beeping) for my failure.
- If your failure gave
everyone (beeping),
they would discontinue Viagra.
- There's four networks standing
over there eager to buy it.
Just let us screen it.
People busted their
asses on this, it's good.
- It'll be Ascension's
first big deal.
- A bidding war.
- Yeah, it'd be the perfect
way to start your tenure.
A win-win.
- OMG! You're right, a win-win!
Something for me and
something for you.
You know what, I never
even thought of that.
No, not once.
Not while I was wondering
if I would ever get
the hot sauce out of my veneers.
Not while I was
dusting off my resume
to take a second rate job
at a religious programmer.
And not once while I was
gobbling up Cyrus Long's
outstanding debts so that I
could take over this studio.
Not once, ever.
What sandbox of toddlers do
you think you're playing in?
- You know none of
that is my fault.
- Yes, it is!
And I am going to bury
Cooper's Bar so deep
you're going to need a
proctologist to find it.
Okay, party's over!
You can go molest
your assistants now.
- Kris, I just
wanna say, congrats.
I am so excited to be back
in business with Ascension.
I have so many ideas,
we'll talk later.
I have a comedy, Mary Magdalene.
- Brilliant.
- [Britney] Right?
- Idiot.
Hey, hey, hey, make sure
you run a magnet over that.
- Smart move, Chris.
The tax write off
alone should put us
in the black for this quarter.
- I'm sorry, us?
- Well, you're now my boss.
- No.
- Then who should I report to?
- The unemployment office.
You're fired.
- Not so fast, Latimer.
You obviously have
not given my contract
a very careful read.
I provided for just such a
hostile corporate takeover.
- Your contract is
superseded by Ascension's
moral hazards clause.
You made a bar show, Cyrus.
And while Ascension's viewership
may be mostly
porn-addicted alcoholics,
they do maintain the
right to hold you
to a higher standard.
Christians! They
got a vengeful god.
- Oh my god, Kris, no!
I just bought a
palacio in Tulum.
- Your job is safe.
(clearing throat)
I intend to torture you every
last second of your contract.
- Oh my god, oh my god,
yes, Kris, thank you.
Thank you.
- Okay.
Yep.
Got a job for you.
Just inventory that (beeping).
Well, at least now
you can go live out
your father's dream
and open up a chain
of pathetic bars in Buffalo.
- I can't do that.
You own that too.
- Oh that's right, I do!
Your family's name.
The whole brick and
mortar franchise.
Jesus!
You just tossed it away on
this empty Hollywood dream.
- It was our retirement plan.
- Mm.
- What the (beeping)
do you want, Kris?
You already got everything.
- Not quite.
I want Brandon's screenplay.
"Army of the Unwanted."
Free and clear.
If Ascension holds the
rights in perpetuity,
you can have your bar back.
- Okay.
- Wait.
- All right.
You want my buddy's screen play.
How about this?
Cooper's Bar belongs
to us, in every sense,
brick and mortar.
And we get the TV rights back.
- You can have Cooper's
Bar back, brick and mortar.
Go pour drinks in your
sad little hole somewhere.
I don't give a (beeping).
But Ascension Network
holds the TV rights.
- No! No.
No deal.
- Cooper!
How long are you gonna
let this business dictate
who you are?
I'm done.
I'm done.
- Mary, hang on.
Mary, wait a second.
- Wait, hold on a
second, guys, wait.
Wait, Mary.
Cooper.
She can have "Army
of the Unwanted."
("Taps" playing)
And we keep the bar.
("Taps" playing)
- Brandon then you
and I got nothing!
- Hey, David.
- Yes, Kris?
- (beeping) off.
("Taps" playing)
(somber music)
- Good riddance, Hollywood.
The last big shindig
at Cooper's Bar.
- Buffalo, here we come.
- The bloody moving
van's outside already.
- Yeah, what's the rush, Coop?
- There's nothing here for us.
- What, so you're just gonna
leave and run your dad's bar?
- Amongst other things.
- Maybe I should
move to Buffalo.
They have Uber there, right?
- Yeah, you just
need a snow plow.
- And it's fantastic,
everybody is depressed.
I am going to build a
hugely unhealthy practice.
- You know Coops,
I was thinking.
Maybe I can work the door.
- So, where's our star?
- Am I seeing a ghost or is
that Cyrus Long in Cooper's Bar?
- Guys, there
really is something
we could all do in Buffalo.
- Gentlemen, y'all still
have the movie rights.
- How?
- Golden parachute magic.
- We are gonna make "Cooper's
Bar" into a blockbuster
and we don't need to be
in Hollyweird to do it.
- Guess where the
hottest tax credit is?
- Buffalo, baby!
- Holy (beeping).
- And in fact, I'm holding in
my hand the perfect sizzle.
- Is that the
- You stole the pilot?
- Ha, ha, ha.
Cooper's Bar, episode one.
(funky music)
Sometimes I feel like I can
turn the world upside down ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I can never be wrong ♪
Sometimes I feel like there
is somethin more that I want ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I don't have a reason ♪
Sometimes I feel like I can
turn the world upside down ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I can't ever be wrong ♪
Sometimes I feel like there
is somethin more that I want ♪