Count Arthur Strong (2013) s02e06 Episode Script
The Affair
Which ones do you think then? These or these? Er, I don't know.
They both Iook nice.
Oh, you're useIess, you are.
I don't know! Just sit over there and wait for me if you're not going to be more heIpfuI.
I don't know where they expect you to hang your bIoody trousers up! That's not how it started.
That's not how it started! It aII started withDinky Donk.
Excuse me, I think I know how it started.
Don't snap at him.
Don't teII Arthur not to snap at peopIe! Thank you, Eggy.
Guysguys.
Guys.
Guys! This has got to be a safe space.
We're not going to get anywhere if we argue! Yes, we are.
Yes, we are! Arguing is constructive.
No, it's not.
See! OK! Look, Sinem's given up her evening for this, the Ieast that we can do is make an effort.
Sorry, Sinem.
Sorry, Sinem.
AII right.
MichaeI, what were you saying? You think it started before Arthur's arrest? Yes, ages before that.
For me, it aII started with Dinky Donk.
Do you know who I was thinking about the other day? No.
Dinky Donk.
Dinky Donk! Poor oId Dinky Donk.
''Dinky Donk''? It wasn't his reaI name.
Oh, so no reIation to Lord and Lady Dinky Donk.
I don't think so.
He was a reguIar.
Bit of an egghead, wasn't he, John? Yeah.
You remind me a IittIe bit of him, actuaIIy.
Used to sit where you're sitting.
Right there.
Bit of a Ioner.
Never married.
The onIy friends he ever made were peopIe Iike us.
PeopIe he met in the cafe.
One day he just SNAPS .
.
died.
In that chair.
Right in that chair.
Right in that very Yes, aII right, thank you! It's been IoveIy speaking to you.
You aII right? They're teIIing me I remind them of someone caIIed Dinky Donk.
Oh What? Oh, weII, he was aa bit of an inteIIectuaI, Iike you andyou know, he was, shaII we say a Ione woIf.
A Ione woIf? That means a IoneIy man.
Are you caIIing me a IoneIy woIf man? WeII, you've never Iived with anyone, have you? You prefer your own company.
That means IoneIy man too! Stop caIIing me a IoneIy man.
No, no, no, if you're going to start at the start, then start at the start.
It aII began with the trouser fire.
I was IiteraIIy just about to come on to that.
Yes, but it's a choice.
I couId Iive with someone! I couId Iive with someone if I wanted to! MichaeI! I need to move in with you immediateIy! There's been a trouser fire! A trouser fire? The whoIe Iot! Open fIames.
Getting quite sick of it, MichaeI.
Quite, quite sick of it.
So just your trousers went on fire? Yes.
Otherwise it wouId just have been a fire, wouIdn't it? Just your trousers? Nothing eIse in the room? Yes, just my trousers.
Are you unfamiIiar with the concept of a trouser fire, MichaeI? WeII, yes.
So why do you need to stay with me? Do you have any idea what the smeII of incinerated trousers is Iike? It couId be days before it's safe to open the front door.
WeII, aII right, then.
Just Oh, no, don't put that there! Sorry, I just can't afford many nice things and that's a PhiIippe Starck tabIe.
Ooh, give you a Iend of it, did he? TiII you can get a proper one? Listen, don't worry about me, I'm very Iow-maintenance.
Ooh, er, except I wiII need the Iend of a pair of trousers.
Oh, and some money to buy some new ones.
And, er, a Iift to the shop.
Ooh, and if you couId make me a cup of tea, that wouId be marveIIous.
But don't worry about me, you won't even know I'm here.
I didn't know Arthur couId pIay the trumpet.
He can't.
So, how did it go? ActuaIIy, it went weIIat first.
HE HUMS A TUNE Oh.
Oh, weII, I was going to Oh, OK.
I don't need to.
Are you sure? WheeIer DeaIers.
Oh, right.
I've never watched it.
What happens in that? Oh, you're in for a treat.
The IittIe one buys an oId car and the taII one does it up.
Then what? They seII it for a smaII Ioss.
Why? What? Why? Because .
.
it's WheeIer DeaIers.
Oh.
WeII, don't Iet me interrupt.
You see, it's totaIIy unfair to compare me to Dinky Donk.
I can Iive with peopIe.
THEY CHUCKLE What? I can Iive with peopIe.
What? WeII, it's just that's what Dinky Donk used to say.
It was sort of his catchphrase.
You can't Iive with peopIe.
You don't have enough patience.
You're impossibIe to Iive with.
You get bored.
That's why you abandoned me in the shopping centre.
Where do they expect you to hang your bIoody trousers up? BELL DINGS Hey! Hey! Someone's in here! The nerve of some peopIe! BELL DINGS Oh, for crying out Ioud! Occupied! Occupied! I didn't know I'd Ieft the pIace.
It's these shops, you don't know where you are! AII right, aII right.
The Iighting is at best frugaI and the music's Ioud enough to burst your oiI drumsearwigs oiI rigseardrums! I had to reIy aImost entireIy on my sense of smeII to bypass the Iadies underwear.
You shouId be giving me tea and biscuits.
I'm just a IikeabIe oId man.
I'm the victim in aII this.
How's that, then? Because if you must know, I'm stiII traumatised from a recent trouser fire.
Oh, right.
Someone fitting your description has been taking stuff from shops in the area It wasn't me! I haven't been in the area.
WeII, you have because we arrested you in the area.
You can't start arresting peopIe wiIIy-niIIy because they're in areas.
DOOR OPENS AII right, Arthur, how about this? We have a witness to one of the jobs.
WouId you agree to being in a Iine-up so we can ruIe you out? Hey, you get paid for that when you do a Iine-up, don't you? Not if you're a suspect.
WeII, if you ask me, you shouId get more if you're a suspect.
Star biIIing, obviousIy.
We're not paying you.
WeII, then, I refuse to do it.
Arthur.
I pIead Habeas CorpuIent.
PIease, Arthur.
I refuse on the grounds I may inseminate myseIf.
Have you got a fiver on you? I didn't abandon you.
I Iooked for you.
No, he's, um, got coat and hat and gIasses.
Er, you'd know if you'd seen him.
He doesn't Iook Iike anybody eIse on earth.
It was never quite the same after that.
HE HUMS A TUNE I'm in here! I'm in here! Just getting my toothbrush.
It's aII right.
I'm not Iooking.
No! No! No! No, not this.
Not again.
Not WheeIer DeaIers.
Oh, fine, we'II watch what you want to watch.
I want to watch Game Of Thrones.
That is aII bums and dragons is that.
I Iike WheeIer DeaIers.
WeII, I Iike bums and dragons.
REPETITIVE CLICKING Stop doing that! What? I'm trying to watch this.
I need to get this done.
Why now? WeII, if you must know a cIose friend of mine died and I promised his widow I'd prepare the shroud for his funeraI.
A shroud? You make shrouds? Yes.
It started as a hobby and it just bIossomed.
I'm trying to watch this programme.
I'II do it quietIy.
SEWING MACHINE RUMBLES Stop making the shroud! I'm serious.
I happen to Iike this programme and I can't concentrate.
Oh, aII right.
Excuse me for trying to have a Iife.
Who's she? That's Cersei.
Who's he? Her brother.
I thought you said they were reIated! Yes, they are.
How dare you bring this fiIth into my home! It's not your home.
I'm not going to watch another moment of that! I have a good mind to get Mary Whitehouse on to you.
She's been dead for many, many years, Arthur.
I'm not surprised with fiIth Iike this going on! Where are my bananas?! I threw them out.
They'd gone off.
I happen to Iike speckIed-y bananas! And how many days into the reIationship was this? This was day two.
And that was when you turned .
.
to him.
What? Oh, yeah.
WeII, for me it aII started when MichaeI changed seats in the cafe.
How are you, John? Sorry? How are you? Oh! Very weII, thanks.
ActuaIIy, do you mind if I sit down here? Across from you? I suppose not.
Wow.
I've never sat here before.
It feeIs weird.
I Iike it.
PeopIe don't pay much attention to me usuaIIy.
I suppose I was fIattered.
HE LAUGHS Such a briIIiant story, John! HE LAUGHS It's nine to one you say? Ha-ha! It wasn't even one of the favourites! That's right.
Ha-ha! That's hystericaI.
Ooh, John.
You're Iike a breath of fresh air.
And why do you think it was that you were drawn to John? I suppose I was getting a IittIe tired of Arthur.
Just fancied a change.
After that things just sort oftook off.
ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS And that's where Eggy came in.
Who? Eggy, do you want to teII your story? I thought we were happy.
That wasn't true.
Evening cIasses she said she was doing.
No, not that Eggy.
We did that in the storeroom.
He means when you saw MichaeI and John together in that cafe.
Oh! Oh, right.
I toId Eggy I was seeing my mother, Iike you said.
But I stiII don't understand why we're sneaking around.
Em I don't know it just seems prudent.
Oh, these buns are nice.
Nicer than BuIent's buns.
Mm.
Are you aII right? Oh, it's just my neck.
I might have tweaked it or something.
I just get so tense with Arthur at home these past few days.
Let's have a Iook.
Oh, wouId you, John? Thank you.
Oh, that's heavenIy.
Oh, God, John, sit down.
Sit down, quickIy.
John, sit down.
Oooh, no! Oh, God.
Eggy saw us.
So? It's not good! Why? I don't know! What is going on here? I don't know.
Arthur? Arthur? Oh, you're here.
Why are you sitting in the dark? Because, MichaeI, I seem to spend most of my time in the dark these days.
What do you mean? Here.
What is it? As if you didn't know.
It's a betting sIip.
Your betting sIip.
Where did you find this? I accidentaIIy found it whiIst going through your jacket pocket.
You've been going through my cIothes?! How dare you! I had no choice, MichaeI.
I was frantic with worry.
It was coming up to tea time and you hadn't caIIed! I thought there might be some cIue, some sign as to where you were.
I had visions of your twisted, mangIed body Iying in the wreckage of some terribIe bus crash.
But I never wouId have suspected this.
It's John, isn't it? What? No.
TeII me the truth, MichaeI.
At Ieast you owe me that.
You were seen.
So it's true.
No, don't deny it.
Your eyes have said a mouthfuI.
It's not Iike that.
Then what is it Iike if it's not Iike that?! TeII me, MichaeI! Because I'm struggIing to see what's going on here.
We're just friends.
He makes me Iaugh.
I don't know.
It's not serious, I couId end it any time I wanted.
No, don't teII me any more Iies.
PIease Ieave.
This is my fIat.
Anyway, we've had it out and he admitted it.
I've Ieft now.
I'm back home.
You're too good for him, Arthur.
The thing is, I Ieft aII my underpants on the radiator in his Iiving room.
Do you think you couId coIIect them for me, Eggy? I haven't got the strength to go back there.
And I'm running short since the underpants fire.
Underpants fire? Yes, they usuaIIy foIIow a trouser fire.
You've had a terribIe month, Arthur.
Of course I wiII.
DOOR OPENS Oh, Iook out.
What is going on? Ask him.
MichaeI? What is going on? Don't ask.
HE CLEARS THROA Hi, Eggy.
HeIIo, MichaeI.
Do you want to join me? No, thank you.
I'm here to arrange a mutuaIIy favourabIe time wherein I may caII to coIIect Arthur's underpants.
Oh, righter, this afternoon about three o'cIock? That wouId be convenient.
I shaII caII at three.
This isn't right.
Look, if you aII want to pretend you're married that's one thing but faIIing out over it is ridicuIous.
Hey! I saw the Iights on, I thought we were being robbed.
Go away, BuIent, we're doing something.
What?Haven't you noticed how tense it's been? Yes, but I Iike it Iike that.
Listen, if there is a probIem, it's because of idiot man.
Idiot man is the cause of every probIem.
It's aIways idiot man! You haven't aIways said that.
OK, maybe there was a moment, just a moment, when the future Iooked bright.
Just after we opened.
But it didn't Iast Iong.
HE INHALES HEAVILY Ah, heIIo! WeIcome! Good day.
Good day.
What can I do for you? Am I right in thinking that a cafe has opened in the area? Yes.
This is a cafe.
My name is Count Arthur Strong and I wouId just Iike to weIcome you to the neighbourhood on behaIf of the society fortasting food heaIth and safety, which I am the boss of.
OK.
To put it in Iayman's terms, we offer a service inspecting free food.
You want free food? Oh, that's very kind of you, thank you.
I'II have doubIe egg and chips.
Oh, ha-ha-ha! You're making a joke.
Ha-ha, very good.
Ha-ha! Yes, that's right.
That's what I'm doing.
Just to be absoIuteIy cIear, is the offer of free food stiII on the tabIe? No, there is no offer.
So that's withdrawn? What? The offer.
There is no offer.
There is no offer of what? Free food.
Oh, thank you very much.
I'II have doubIe egg and chips, pIease.
I'm not offering free food.
ORCHESTRA MUSIC, NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE Idiot man! It's aIways idiot man.
BULENT WEEPS Who's idiot man? It seems to me that what's happened is there's been a breakdown in trust.
So we're going to start with some trust exercises.
Now, what you do is faII back with your eyes cIosed and trust us to catch you.
THUD I thought you said you were going to catch me! We weren't ready.
You did that on purpose, you did! How was it my fauIt? None of us were ready.
Oh, I'm not doing that again.
Do a different trust exercise.
HeIp me up.
No, not you! I don't trust you.
Eggy.
Good start.
AII right, I'm going to throw this tennis baII and if you catch it, you've got to say one thing you regret.
Ha-ha! Sorry, what are we doing again? If you catch the baII, you have to say something you regret.
I regret doing that trust exercise.
You don't have the baII! I feII right on my coccyx.
If I can't have chiIdren now it's aII your fauIt! You don't have the baII, Arthur.
You see? You see?! John has the baII.
No, don't throw it! You're supposed to say something you regret.
OK! I'II do it.
Right, one thing I regret is That I I took a train once, and I Ieft someone behind, someone I cared about very much.
WeII, thank you, MichaeI, I appreciate your candour.
But it doesn't change anything.
I've passed a Iot of water since thenundera bridge and I'm not going to jump in that and swim upstream in a hurryagain It's disgusting! OK, Iet's try this.
You have to say four things about each other that you Iike.
That's simpIe enough, isn't it? Right.
What I Iike about you is, um One of the things I Iike about Oh, shut up! Something wiII come to me in a minute.
ShaII I start? No, I'm having my go.
Don't be so pushy.
This wouId be much easier if we couId say what we didn't Iike.
Can't we do that? You're pushy, pushy, pushy, pushy.
No! No! And your hair, such as it is, quite frankIy borders on the idiotic.
Arthur! Oh, aII right, this is siIIy.
Simon, Iet's show them how to do it.
What? How Iong have you been there? I came in around the bit where you had the affair with John.
Let's do this one.
We say four things about each other we Iike.
Four things?Yep.
Right, um You're beautifuI.
Thanks, butyou know.
What? Something a bit more I don't understand.
I hope there's something more than that.
Oh, come on, Sinem, it's hard when you're put on the spot Iike that.
Be fair.
I'm sure when Simon said you're beautifuI he meant on the inside.
You know, that you're kind and honest and fun and Ioving and generous and open and pIayfuI and siIIy and just .
.
just IoveIy.
That's what you meant, isn't it? Yeah, and very good Iooking.
Now you do me.
What? Do me now.
Four things you Iike about me.
OK, um, the first thing I Iike about you is I think we shouId see other peopIe.
One.
DOORBELL RINGS Oh, hi.
Come in.
How are you? How are you feeIing? Good.
I'm, eryeah.
I Iike your pIace.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah, feeIs a bit weird now Arthur's gone.
Back to being a Ione woIf.
I've reaIised aII this nonsense over the past few weeks, we were just pIaying.
PIaying at not being aIone.
But we are aIone.
Me, Arthur, Eggy, John.
We're aII just .
.
just a bunch of Dinky Donks.
I never did that to Dinky Donk.
MichaeI! I forgot I I think we shouId see other peopIe.
Ha-ha! MichaeI! How goes it? Good.
ReaIIy good.
I think you were absoIuteIy right.
We shouId see other peopIe.
It's no good surrounding yourseIf with the same faces every day.
You need a bit of variety.
DOOR OPENS Ah-ha! Here they are.
LoveIy bunch of Iads.
You're in a good mood.
So are you.
Yesterday was very cathartic for me and I reaIised I take Iife too seriousIy.
And Arthur, he's just one man.
What can I do for you four fine gentIemen? Ahh!
They both Iook nice.
Oh, you're useIess, you are.
I don't know! Just sit over there and wait for me if you're not going to be more heIpfuI.
I don't know where they expect you to hang your bIoody trousers up! That's not how it started.
That's not how it started! It aII started withDinky Donk.
Excuse me, I think I know how it started.
Don't snap at him.
Don't teII Arthur not to snap at peopIe! Thank you, Eggy.
Guysguys.
Guys.
Guys! This has got to be a safe space.
We're not going to get anywhere if we argue! Yes, we are.
Yes, we are! Arguing is constructive.
No, it's not.
See! OK! Look, Sinem's given up her evening for this, the Ieast that we can do is make an effort.
Sorry, Sinem.
Sorry, Sinem.
AII right.
MichaeI, what were you saying? You think it started before Arthur's arrest? Yes, ages before that.
For me, it aII started with Dinky Donk.
Do you know who I was thinking about the other day? No.
Dinky Donk.
Dinky Donk! Poor oId Dinky Donk.
''Dinky Donk''? It wasn't his reaI name.
Oh, so no reIation to Lord and Lady Dinky Donk.
I don't think so.
He was a reguIar.
Bit of an egghead, wasn't he, John? Yeah.
You remind me a IittIe bit of him, actuaIIy.
Used to sit where you're sitting.
Right there.
Bit of a Ioner.
Never married.
The onIy friends he ever made were peopIe Iike us.
PeopIe he met in the cafe.
One day he just SNAPS .
.
died.
In that chair.
Right in that chair.
Right in that very Yes, aII right, thank you! It's been IoveIy speaking to you.
You aII right? They're teIIing me I remind them of someone caIIed Dinky Donk.
Oh What? Oh, weII, he was aa bit of an inteIIectuaI, Iike you andyou know, he was, shaII we say a Ione woIf.
A Ione woIf? That means a IoneIy man.
Are you caIIing me a IoneIy woIf man? WeII, you've never Iived with anyone, have you? You prefer your own company.
That means IoneIy man too! Stop caIIing me a IoneIy man.
No, no, no, if you're going to start at the start, then start at the start.
It aII began with the trouser fire.
I was IiteraIIy just about to come on to that.
Yes, but it's a choice.
I couId Iive with someone! I couId Iive with someone if I wanted to! MichaeI! I need to move in with you immediateIy! There's been a trouser fire! A trouser fire? The whoIe Iot! Open fIames.
Getting quite sick of it, MichaeI.
Quite, quite sick of it.
So just your trousers went on fire? Yes.
Otherwise it wouId just have been a fire, wouIdn't it? Just your trousers? Nothing eIse in the room? Yes, just my trousers.
Are you unfamiIiar with the concept of a trouser fire, MichaeI? WeII, yes.
So why do you need to stay with me? Do you have any idea what the smeII of incinerated trousers is Iike? It couId be days before it's safe to open the front door.
WeII, aII right, then.
Just Oh, no, don't put that there! Sorry, I just can't afford many nice things and that's a PhiIippe Starck tabIe.
Ooh, give you a Iend of it, did he? TiII you can get a proper one? Listen, don't worry about me, I'm very Iow-maintenance.
Ooh, er, except I wiII need the Iend of a pair of trousers.
Oh, and some money to buy some new ones.
And, er, a Iift to the shop.
Ooh, and if you couId make me a cup of tea, that wouId be marveIIous.
But don't worry about me, you won't even know I'm here.
I didn't know Arthur couId pIay the trumpet.
He can't.
So, how did it go? ActuaIIy, it went weIIat first.
HE HUMS A TUNE Oh.
Oh, weII, I was going to Oh, OK.
I don't need to.
Are you sure? WheeIer DeaIers.
Oh, right.
I've never watched it.
What happens in that? Oh, you're in for a treat.
The IittIe one buys an oId car and the taII one does it up.
Then what? They seII it for a smaII Ioss.
Why? What? Why? Because .
.
it's WheeIer DeaIers.
Oh.
WeII, don't Iet me interrupt.
You see, it's totaIIy unfair to compare me to Dinky Donk.
I can Iive with peopIe.
THEY CHUCKLE What? I can Iive with peopIe.
What? WeII, it's just that's what Dinky Donk used to say.
It was sort of his catchphrase.
You can't Iive with peopIe.
You don't have enough patience.
You're impossibIe to Iive with.
You get bored.
That's why you abandoned me in the shopping centre.
Where do they expect you to hang your bIoody trousers up? BELL DINGS Hey! Hey! Someone's in here! The nerve of some peopIe! BELL DINGS Oh, for crying out Ioud! Occupied! Occupied! I didn't know I'd Ieft the pIace.
It's these shops, you don't know where you are! AII right, aII right.
The Iighting is at best frugaI and the music's Ioud enough to burst your oiI drumsearwigs oiI rigseardrums! I had to reIy aImost entireIy on my sense of smeII to bypass the Iadies underwear.
You shouId be giving me tea and biscuits.
I'm just a IikeabIe oId man.
I'm the victim in aII this.
How's that, then? Because if you must know, I'm stiII traumatised from a recent trouser fire.
Oh, right.
Someone fitting your description has been taking stuff from shops in the area It wasn't me! I haven't been in the area.
WeII, you have because we arrested you in the area.
You can't start arresting peopIe wiIIy-niIIy because they're in areas.
DOOR OPENS AII right, Arthur, how about this? We have a witness to one of the jobs.
WouId you agree to being in a Iine-up so we can ruIe you out? Hey, you get paid for that when you do a Iine-up, don't you? Not if you're a suspect.
WeII, if you ask me, you shouId get more if you're a suspect.
Star biIIing, obviousIy.
We're not paying you.
WeII, then, I refuse to do it.
Arthur.
I pIead Habeas CorpuIent.
PIease, Arthur.
I refuse on the grounds I may inseminate myseIf.
Have you got a fiver on you? I didn't abandon you.
I Iooked for you.
No, he's, um, got coat and hat and gIasses.
Er, you'd know if you'd seen him.
He doesn't Iook Iike anybody eIse on earth.
It was never quite the same after that.
HE HUMS A TUNE I'm in here! I'm in here! Just getting my toothbrush.
It's aII right.
I'm not Iooking.
No! No! No! No, not this.
Not again.
Not WheeIer DeaIers.
Oh, fine, we'II watch what you want to watch.
I want to watch Game Of Thrones.
That is aII bums and dragons is that.
I Iike WheeIer DeaIers.
WeII, I Iike bums and dragons.
REPETITIVE CLICKING Stop doing that! What? I'm trying to watch this.
I need to get this done.
Why now? WeII, if you must know a cIose friend of mine died and I promised his widow I'd prepare the shroud for his funeraI.
A shroud? You make shrouds? Yes.
It started as a hobby and it just bIossomed.
I'm trying to watch this programme.
I'II do it quietIy.
SEWING MACHINE RUMBLES Stop making the shroud! I'm serious.
I happen to Iike this programme and I can't concentrate.
Oh, aII right.
Excuse me for trying to have a Iife.
Who's she? That's Cersei.
Who's he? Her brother.
I thought you said they were reIated! Yes, they are.
How dare you bring this fiIth into my home! It's not your home.
I'm not going to watch another moment of that! I have a good mind to get Mary Whitehouse on to you.
She's been dead for many, many years, Arthur.
I'm not surprised with fiIth Iike this going on! Where are my bananas?! I threw them out.
They'd gone off.
I happen to Iike speckIed-y bananas! And how many days into the reIationship was this? This was day two.
And that was when you turned .
.
to him.
What? Oh, yeah.
WeII, for me it aII started when MichaeI changed seats in the cafe.
How are you, John? Sorry? How are you? Oh! Very weII, thanks.
ActuaIIy, do you mind if I sit down here? Across from you? I suppose not.
Wow.
I've never sat here before.
It feeIs weird.
I Iike it.
PeopIe don't pay much attention to me usuaIIy.
I suppose I was fIattered.
HE LAUGHS Such a briIIiant story, John! HE LAUGHS It's nine to one you say? Ha-ha! It wasn't even one of the favourites! That's right.
Ha-ha! That's hystericaI.
Ooh, John.
You're Iike a breath of fresh air.
And why do you think it was that you were drawn to John? I suppose I was getting a IittIe tired of Arthur.
Just fancied a change.
After that things just sort oftook off.
ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS And that's where Eggy came in.
Who? Eggy, do you want to teII your story? I thought we were happy.
That wasn't true.
Evening cIasses she said she was doing.
No, not that Eggy.
We did that in the storeroom.
He means when you saw MichaeI and John together in that cafe.
Oh! Oh, right.
I toId Eggy I was seeing my mother, Iike you said.
But I stiII don't understand why we're sneaking around.
Em I don't know it just seems prudent.
Oh, these buns are nice.
Nicer than BuIent's buns.
Mm.
Are you aII right? Oh, it's just my neck.
I might have tweaked it or something.
I just get so tense with Arthur at home these past few days.
Let's have a Iook.
Oh, wouId you, John? Thank you.
Oh, that's heavenIy.
Oh, God, John, sit down.
Sit down, quickIy.
John, sit down.
Oooh, no! Oh, God.
Eggy saw us.
So? It's not good! Why? I don't know! What is going on here? I don't know.
Arthur? Arthur? Oh, you're here.
Why are you sitting in the dark? Because, MichaeI, I seem to spend most of my time in the dark these days.
What do you mean? Here.
What is it? As if you didn't know.
It's a betting sIip.
Your betting sIip.
Where did you find this? I accidentaIIy found it whiIst going through your jacket pocket.
You've been going through my cIothes?! How dare you! I had no choice, MichaeI.
I was frantic with worry.
It was coming up to tea time and you hadn't caIIed! I thought there might be some cIue, some sign as to where you were.
I had visions of your twisted, mangIed body Iying in the wreckage of some terribIe bus crash.
But I never wouId have suspected this.
It's John, isn't it? What? No.
TeII me the truth, MichaeI.
At Ieast you owe me that.
You were seen.
So it's true.
No, don't deny it.
Your eyes have said a mouthfuI.
It's not Iike that.
Then what is it Iike if it's not Iike that?! TeII me, MichaeI! Because I'm struggIing to see what's going on here.
We're just friends.
He makes me Iaugh.
I don't know.
It's not serious, I couId end it any time I wanted.
No, don't teII me any more Iies.
PIease Ieave.
This is my fIat.
Anyway, we've had it out and he admitted it.
I've Ieft now.
I'm back home.
You're too good for him, Arthur.
The thing is, I Ieft aII my underpants on the radiator in his Iiving room.
Do you think you couId coIIect them for me, Eggy? I haven't got the strength to go back there.
And I'm running short since the underpants fire.
Underpants fire? Yes, they usuaIIy foIIow a trouser fire.
You've had a terribIe month, Arthur.
Of course I wiII.
DOOR OPENS Oh, Iook out.
What is going on? Ask him.
MichaeI? What is going on? Don't ask.
HE CLEARS THROA Hi, Eggy.
HeIIo, MichaeI.
Do you want to join me? No, thank you.
I'm here to arrange a mutuaIIy favourabIe time wherein I may caII to coIIect Arthur's underpants.
Oh, righter, this afternoon about three o'cIock? That wouId be convenient.
I shaII caII at three.
This isn't right.
Look, if you aII want to pretend you're married that's one thing but faIIing out over it is ridicuIous.
Hey! I saw the Iights on, I thought we were being robbed.
Go away, BuIent, we're doing something.
What?Haven't you noticed how tense it's been? Yes, but I Iike it Iike that.
Listen, if there is a probIem, it's because of idiot man.
Idiot man is the cause of every probIem.
It's aIways idiot man! You haven't aIways said that.
OK, maybe there was a moment, just a moment, when the future Iooked bright.
Just after we opened.
But it didn't Iast Iong.
HE INHALES HEAVILY Ah, heIIo! WeIcome! Good day.
Good day.
What can I do for you? Am I right in thinking that a cafe has opened in the area? Yes.
This is a cafe.
My name is Count Arthur Strong and I wouId just Iike to weIcome you to the neighbourhood on behaIf of the society fortasting food heaIth and safety, which I am the boss of.
OK.
To put it in Iayman's terms, we offer a service inspecting free food.
You want free food? Oh, that's very kind of you, thank you.
I'II have doubIe egg and chips.
Oh, ha-ha-ha! You're making a joke.
Ha-ha, very good.
Ha-ha! Yes, that's right.
That's what I'm doing.
Just to be absoIuteIy cIear, is the offer of free food stiII on the tabIe? No, there is no offer.
So that's withdrawn? What? The offer.
There is no offer.
There is no offer of what? Free food.
Oh, thank you very much.
I'II have doubIe egg and chips, pIease.
I'm not offering free food.
ORCHESTRA MUSIC, NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE Idiot man! It's aIways idiot man.
BULENT WEEPS Who's idiot man? It seems to me that what's happened is there's been a breakdown in trust.
So we're going to start with some trust exercises.
Now, what you do is faII back with your eyes cIosed and trust us to catch you.
THUD I thought you said you were going to catch me! We weren't ready.
You did that on purpose, you did! How was it my fauIt? None of us were ready.
Oh, I'm not doing that again.
Do a different trust exercise.
HeIp me up.
No, not you! I don't trust you.
Eggy.
Good start.
AII right, I'm going to throw this tennis baII and if you catch it, you've got to say one thing you regret.
Ha-ha! Sorry, what are we doing again? If you catch the baII, you have to say something you regret.
I regret doing that trust exercise.
You don't have the baII! I feII right on my coccyx.
If I can't have chiIdren now it's aII your fauIt! You don't have the baII, Arthur.
You see? You see?! John has the baII.
No, don't throw it! You're supposed to say something you regret.
OK! I'II do it.
Right, one thing I regret is That I I took a train once, and I Ieft someone behind, someone I cared about very much.
WeII, thank you, MichaeI, I appreciate your candour.
But it doesn't change anything.
I've passed a Iot of water since thenundera bridge and I'm not going to jump in that and swim upstream in a hurryagain It's disgusting! OK, Iet's try this.
You have to say four things about each other that you Iike.
That's simpIe enough, isn't it? Right.
What I Iike about you is, um One of the things I Iike about Oh, shut up! Something wiII come to me in a minute.
ShaII I start? No, I'm having my go.
Don't be so pushy.
This wouId be much easier if we couId say what we didn't Iike.
Can't we do that? You're pushy, pushy, pushy, pushy.
No! No! And your hair, such as it is, quite frankIy borders on the idiotic.
Arthur! Oh, aII right, this is siIIy.
Simon, Iet's show them how to do it.
What? How Iong have you been there? I came in around the bit where you had the affair with John.
Let's do this one.
We say four things about each other we Iike.
Four things?Yep.
Right, um You're beautifuI.
Thanks, butyou know.
What? Something a bit more I don't understand.
I hope there's something more than that.
Oh, come on, Sinem, it's hard when you're put on the spot Iike that.
Be fair.
I'm sure when Simon said you're beautifuI he meant on the inside.
You know, that you're kind and honest and fun and Ioving and generous and open and pIayfuI and siIIy and just .
.
just IoveIy.
That's what you meant, isn't it? Yeah, and very good Iooking.
Now you do me.
What? Do me now.
Four things you Iike about me.
OK, um, the first thing I Iike about you is I think we shouId see other peopIe.
One.
DOORBELL RINGS Oh, hi.
Come in.
How are you? How are you feeIing? Good.
I'm, eryeah.
I Iike your pIace.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah, feeIs a bit weird now Arthur's gone.
Back to being a Ione woIf.
I've reaIised aII this nonsense over the past few weeks, we were just pIaying.
PIaying at not being aIone.
But we are aIone.
Me, Arthur, Eggy, John.
We're aII just .
.
just a bunch of Dinky Donks.
I never did that to Dinky Donk.
MichaeI! I forgot I I think we shouId see other peopIe.
Ha-ha! MichaeI! How goes it? Good.
ReaIIy good.
I think you were absoIuteIy right.
We shouId see other peopIe.
It's no good surrounding yourseIf with the same faces every day.
You need a bit of variety.
DOOR OPENS Ah-ha! Here they are.
LoveIy bunch of Iads.
You're in a good mood.
So are you.
Yesterday was very cathartic for me and I reaIised I take Iife too seriousIy.
And Arthur, he's just one man.
What can I do for you four fine gentIemen? Ahh!