Crashing (2016) s02e06 Episode Script
Artie
1 This is actually the first sit-down meal that I've had since I moved to New York.
Moved is a strong word.
Shouldn't you move into a place before you use the word move? Artie's like one of those old country songs.
He goes out for a pack of cigarettes and doesn't come back.
I know what you're saying but - he's doing better.
- I'm telling you right now he's halfway to Atlantic City.
Still trying to? - Yes.
Yeah.
- Make a tape? Do you want to come with me to my show? Going to Rififi.
You think they'll let me up or? Nope.
Ali Reissen, everybody.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- [SCREAMING, LAUGHING.]
I've created a monster.
[LAUGHTER.]
That's Caribbean week.
It's my favourite.
Of course you have a favourite.
[TEXT ON SCREEN.]
There's eight fries left.
You can have 'em, I'm done.
I'm only supposed to have, like, three carbs a day.
- Really? How's that working out? - Not working out at all.
It looks like the fourth squeezes in there sometimes.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
It bugs me that you're skinnier than me.
You were always my fat Hey.
How's it goin'? Just sat right down there, didn't you? Is Is somebody sitting here? No, dude, this is the comics' table, all right? But I sit with you all the time at the other club.
Yeah, but this is the Cellar.
The Cellar, it's different.
This is like The Tonight Show.
It's like being called to walk over to the couch.
ARTIE: These kids don't fucking know.
No, they don't know.
They don't get it.
- ARTIE: They don't get it.
- Back in my day, this table - Patrice, Giraldo, Burr, real ballbusters.
- ARTIE: Right, right.
I was scared shitless to sit at this table.
This guy just sits down like a friggin' Sesame Street character.
[LAUGHS.]
That shirt stinks.
Can we just talk about the shirt for a second? Geez, did the guy who molests you leave it on your nightstand last night? - [BOBBY AND ARTIE LAUGH.]
- I didn't know, I'm I'm sorry.
That's the problem.
See, this is it right here.
These guys can't take it.
They give it, they can't take it.
- ARTIE: He's all upset.
- All of a sudden, he's all being serious.
- Gentlemen? - Artie: Wayne-o! BOBBY: Hey, what's up, Federman? Hey, Pete, get the fuck up.
- Yeah.
- He's on the lineup.
Beat it.
You know, I will get up, out of respect.
Larry Sanders.
Step Brothers.
Absolutely correct.
I didn't know that was a benefit? - He knows my credits.
- Nice.
Yeah, there had to be one.
Could I get a sink water, please? - BOBBY [LAUGHING.]
: Guys - [INDISTINCT.]
she walks into is as dumb as mud.
I'm actually starting my own table.
You have to have no credits or respect to sit here.
- [LAUGHING.]
- How's that shirt, Bob Vila? You look like you're gonna build a table.
- What's your name again? - My name Nobody cares.
Shut up.
Oh, God.
Where did you get this kid? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
- I have a book out.
It's a Hollywood memoir.
It's called I'll Take That as a No.
[LAUGHTER.]
And it's being released, direct to PDF, straight to PDF.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- So check that one out.
[PIANO PLAYING JAZZY MELODY.]
Hey.
Hey.
Wings? What? - Would you like some wings? - I This is way too much for me, this is like, for a family of four, from the Midwest.
- I I would love some wi I can? - Come on over.
Yeah, come on over, the bullies are gone.
- [PETE LAUGHS.]
- You are totally safe.
- I I'm honored.
- It's Pete, right? - Yes, Pete.
- Yeah.
- Wayne.
- Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Just grab something there.
- Thank you, I will.
- Oh! The drumstick, that's, uh, bold.
Should I not? No, you should totally take the best thing on there.
- Is this - I'm kidding! Eat! - Thank you very much.
- Yeah.
I really am a huge fan of yours.
Well, thanks.
You're you're in one of my favorite scenes in Curb.
- Uh-huh.
- Legally Blonde.
[LAUGHS.]
You know, I made a career out of being in one scene in a movie, and then never seeing me again.
I guess you're right, right? Yeah, one scene and out.
I call it the Federman in and out.
- I think you could be in lots of scenes.
- Well In fact, I get connected to your character.
I see your character and I go, "What's that guy's story?" I appreciate that.
So, uh, are you going up tonight? Well, not here, obviously.
- But, um, I get up - You do? - I do the alt scene a little bit.
- Right.
I'm trying to get into the college market.
- Mm-hmm.
- I just submitted a tape to, uh, NACA.
- I don't know if - They still have NACA? - They still have NACA.
- NACA changed my life.
Changed my life.
I booked, like, 80 colleges, paid off my student loan.
But here's the crazy thing, more important to me was, I wrote on my tax forms, "comedian.
" - Is that crazy? - No! It was so important to me.
That's that's everything.
That's all I want I haven't had a real job since.
That's what NACA did for me.
- Wow.
- And how about this? As a bonus, you take the rest of these.
I'm gonna go.
- Oh.
- But so nice meeting you.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Nice to meet you.
- Ah.
Maybe the - Right, yeah.
- There's a little Yeah.
I'm sure I'll see you, though, I mean, like, I pop in here a couple times a week, so I'll see you again? Yeah, I'm actually Well, I'm taking a break.
I have Hodgkin's, - so - What? - Yeah.
- Oh my God.
Don't worry, don't panic, it's totally treatable.
It's just, I can't afford the treatments.
I can't afford the bills, it's, like, a whole thing.
Wow.
Yeah, so I'm just gonna move back in with my parents, gonna try to squirrel away some money.
I'm so sorry.
I I hope it works out for you.
It'll work out.
Nice meeting you, Pete.
- Enjoy those wings.
- Thank you.
Be well.
- [CAMERA CLICKS.]
- Hey! We got it, buddy.
All right.
Do me a favor, tag me on that, so people know I'm alive.
[LAUGHS.]
Artie.
Geez, man.
Did you know about Wayne? What? He try to touch your leg? - I No.
- What? He's sick.
He's and he's, like, he can't afford - His insurance is fucking him, and - Yeah, well He doesn't have money to pay for his medical care.
I feel bad, too, man.
But what do you mean he's got no money? None of us have any money.
Look at us, what are we doing here? It breaks my heart.
- Yeah, well.
- A guy that's been working for so long, and he can't even afford to pay for his treatment? I mean, we gotta help him.
You wanna help? You got any bone marrow lying around? Because that's what he needs.
What do you think's gonna happen here? Come on.
It doesn't have to be complicated.
We could just do a show and give him the money.
We could do like a benefit.
- Oh, a benefit? - We could do a benefit.
Right.
Let me explain something to you.
Every time a comedian does a show, it's a benefit, for themselves.
That's how it is, man.
Yeah, but it wouldn't it wouldn't even be that hard.
We just need to get a group of comics together.
If if you headline, all the other comics will fall into line.
- [SIGHS.]
- Put up a great lineup.
- Oh.
Sounds easy.
- Raise some money It is easy.
I could even host.
- Oh, wait, wait.
You'll host? - I I could host.
Yeah, now I get your angle.
You'll host.
I am rubbing off on you.
I get what's going on here.
You wanna use his sickness to get stage time.
Is that what's going on? Artie, I'm not doing this for me.
I'm just sayin', I could put it all together.
Right.
Make it really, really easy.
All you have to do is show up.
I'll do anything to make this stop.
Let me explain something to you.
- I'll headline.
- You'll headline? - I'll headline.
- You'll do it? I'm being honest with you.
I will headline.
But you gotta do the work.
Okay? Of course.
I feel bad, he's a good guy.
Hey, you're a good man, Arthur.
I don't know about that, but I know I'm gonna need a benefit one day, so I'm putting out some karma.
And do me a favor.
Promise me one thing.
When my benefit comes around, you're not hosting.
You're not hosting.
Personally, I like sweet cream, as a base, 'cause it doesn't overwhelm the mix-ins.
For me, it's all about tasting the mix-ins.
Oreo Overload is popular.
I'm gonna take my break, but Camilla Camilla, could you, uh, assist me, please? Uh, thank you, ladies.
I don't know what to say, don't know how Aw.
- What? - You have stubble.
- This? - Yeah.
This pinch of sand? Yeah! [LAUGHS.]
Just a sprinkle of salt.
Yeah, don't get used to it.
I haven't shaved in, like, nine days.
- Wow.
- This is it.
You're looking at it.
- It's crazy.
- That's crazy.
I don't shave.
Except except these guys.
These guys grow little hairs, so I clean 'em off in the shower.
- Mmm.
- Sorry, that's gross.
- It's not gross.
- I'm a gross person.
No, we all have hairs.
I have this one hair, growing out of my nipple.
It's, like, real long.
I could shave it.
But I'm not gonna shave it, 'cause I wanna see how long it'll get.
- [LAUGHS.]
- It's so weird.
I have, like, pride.
I love her.
I call her Betty.
Is it weird that I know Betty? - That makes me sad.
- [LAUGHS.]
- I wanted her to be my little secret.
- No.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, no.
- No, it's lovely.
You're lovely.
- I know.
You should be proud.
- Aw.
- What? I don't know, I feel like you'd look cute with a beard.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
I think about it, though.
The worst part of not being able to grow a beard, - it's like a It's a man thing.
- Mmm.
You know? Like, if I'm on a desert island, you know, that's, like, when men grow beards.
- Mm, I'm sure.
Yeah.
- Like Tom Hanks? If I was on a desert island, a rescue chopper would fly by, they'd look down and they'd think I was fine.
[LAUGHS.]
"Oh, let's save that No.
Roll the ladder back up.
- [LAUGHING.]
- "That guy's just looking to get away.
" He wants to be here.
Yeah.
He's clearly shaving, he's found resources.
[LAUGHING.]
That's so funny.
You should write that down.
Really? You think that's stage funny? - Yeah.
It's a bit.
- Okay.
- [PHONE DINGS.]
- Oh.
Sorry.
Oh, shit, it's Greg.
I got Rififi.
- That's great.
- I got Rififi! Oh, yay.
They want me to do five minutes on Rifi this is amazing! I might've put in a little word.
- What? - [LAUGHS.]
- You did? - Yeah.
- Thank you! - You're welcome.
I just I told 'em you're great, 'cause you're great.
Ooh! I got a sugar mama.
- Thank you! - Woop! Woop! What do you think the employee discount is at the Dollar Store? [LAUGHTER.]
- Do you think it's just, take it? - [LAUGHTER.]
Just take it.
Thanks for working here.
[LAUGHING.]
I'm not, uh, a very manly guy.
I can't grow a beard.
Which is fine.
But, you know, I was thinking about it.
What if I what if I'm in, like, a plane crash, and I have to live on a deserted island? If I can't grow a beard, the rescue chopper's gonna come by, they're gonna see me, they'll think I'm fine.
[LAUGHTER.]
Oh, I guess he just wanted to get away, because he's clearly found a way to shave, so he's got resources, so, roll the ladder back up, he's okay.
[BUZZING.]
- You Nick? - Excuse me? Who are you? Who are you I'm looking for Artie.
Uh, Artie Lange? Oh.
Artie's not here.
Sorry.
Is he coming back or? Yeah, like in five, 10 minutes, all right? Is Can he So he just left you You know what? Wait in the hallway.
You want me to wait in the hall You know what? You're right, wait in here.
I don't like this hallway for you.
Come on.
I could I can - You can wait in here! - Okay.
Is this is this the guy? No.
It's a friend of Artie's.
He's, uh, he's gonna wait for him here.
Oh, oh, oh How are you doin'? I'm Raymond, this is Gene.
We're friends of Artie's from the neighborhood.
- [STAMMERS.]
- How do you know how do you know him? I, um, I'm a comedian, too, so Oh, yeah.
You talk in a microphone? [LAUGHS.]
Right.
You know that reminds me, that reminds me, how I know Artie.
We got a mutual friend that got hit by a train, but he only got his foot cut off, but it wasn't so bad, right? Anyway, that's how we met.
[LAUGHS.]
It was fucking funny, it was fucked up.
Well, I don't um, I'm gonna have to run to my car, so I'll just Okay? Definitely, man.
Watch your hand in the door.
Okay.
Thank you.
Hi.
Is, um, Artie Lange performing? No.
Thank you.
[DISTANT SIREN WAILING.]
[LINE RINGING.]
ARTIE: This is like the eighth time you've called me, Pete.
What do you want? [COUGHING.]
You all right? I'm fine.
Artie, you don't look fine.
Oh, thanks, man, 'cause I don't own a mirror.
So? I mean So, what? Look, you called me.
I called you back, right? So so this is your idea.
What's going on? You It took you a while to call me back.
And then, who were those guys? - What guys? - The guys that you You had two sketchy guys in your apartment.
They're my sketch group.
[CHUCKLES.]
- That's not - No Artie, these guys came over, they they They had drugs with They were doing drugs.
Okay, look.
First of all, Columbo, I don't know anything about that.
Nothing.
If someone's doing drugs, I I don't know - anything about drugs.
- It was right here, it was in your house.
Artie, you can't be using.
You know this.
I thought you were in recovery.
First of all, I'm not using.
Okay? Let's get that straight.
Don't be yelling out that bullshit.
It costs me work.
I'm not using.
I'm in recovery.
Actively.
- So - I would never shoot up with them.
If they First of all, I saw them possibly doing something weird, and I got out I got outta here.
That's That's good.
I'm proud of you.
Thank you.
Well, thanks for being proud of me.
That's not easy to do, that's amazing.
I just wanna help you, man.
If you're on a good streak, I just wanna be here I gotta tell you something.
You know, usually, I I blow people off like this, but, um, you're different than my New York buddies.
You're way more sincere, and, uh, I appreciate that.
I do, I appreciate it.
I do.
Thank you.
- I I appreciate you, are you kidding? - Thank you.
Thank you for telling me that.
Uh, look, uh, thank you for being here.
Nobody else is here.
You know? You're probably the best friend I got right now.
And I appreciate it.
- Well, let - You know, you are.
- Let me help you.
- You wanna help? I wanna be Let me help you.
All right, well let's, uh, let's do something, uh, positive, then.
- Yes.
- Uh You gotta replace a bad habit with a good habit.
I saw a TED Talk.
You just gotta - Let's do it.
- retrain your brain.
Well, I'm in.
Let's do it.
Well, I'll tell you what a good habit is for me, I'm starvin'.
- Let's go get something to eat.
- I would love to.
I'm sorry things aren't easy for you right now, but Yeah, well Yeah, it's not easy.
Life's weird now.
It really is.
Are you going to meetings or? I gotta tell you, the whole thing about AA, it feels a little too religious for me, you know? And God, with me, quite frankly, he's got some explaining to do.
- What do you mean? - What do I mean? So, you know, your father becomes a quadriplegic by falling off a roof, with no insurance.
You gotta go on welfare, and, uh, it ruins your whole family.
That doesn't make you feel like there's somebody up there that's looking out for you.
And, uh, you know, I'm a little cynical about it, quite frankly.
What do you want me to tell you? I mean - I'm so sorry.
- Yeah, right.
To be honest, I've been having a hard time with the whole "higher power" thing myself.
Really? You? Why? I don't know.
So much of my life, I was afraid of God.
Now I'm looking back, I didn't do stuff.
Maybe I missed out, I don't know.
What stuff? I was so worried about hell, I I didn't wanna Like I wouldn't jerk off, just in case Jesus came back while I was masturbating.
Well, that would be horrible luck, bad timing.
It's confusing.
Yeah, well, life can be a pretty fucked up thing, I'll tell you.
It can be, uh be pretty confusing.
I feel for you, man.
I do.
PETE: Isn't this nice? I mean, get the blood going, get fresh air? You know, they say exercise gets the, uh, releases the, um Endorphins.
Yeah, if if you say "endorphins" right now, I'm gonna throw you off a bridge.
- I I'm just - I just gotta I gotta sit down.
I'm having a good time.
I just gotta sit down, I'm tired.
It doesn't look clean.
I'll disinfect you when we leave.
[SIGHS.]
This, uh this does feel nice, though.
I I'm not kidding, I really feel better.
I feel like I should, uh, do this more often, and and just breathe air.
I feel young, you know.
I'm glad.
Thank you.
I like seeing you like this.
You do, yeah? It's like I didn't know you when you were young.
When were you young? - The '30s.
- [LAUGHS.]
[GANGSTER VOICE.]
Those were good times, see? [LAUGHS.]
You would've been a great gang boss.
[LAUGHS.]
You know what? That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
[LAUGHS.]
Uh, honestly, this is very, very cute, but it's gonna start turning into a date pretty soon, so, uh I'm gonna get going.
I'll see you tonight.
- Right? - Yeah.
Thanks, man.
Uh, you know, this really was something else.
- I appreciate it.
- Yeah.
I love you, buddy.
I love you, man.
I'll see you.
- Okay.
- Take care of yourself, man.
- Bye, Arthur.
- I love that shirt.
I get it.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Thanks very much.
Thanks for coming to the Village Underground.
We got a great show tonight.
Uh, and Artie Lange will be here later to headline.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Are you guys You having fun? - [CHEERS.]
- Okay, good, um tonight, your Your money, is actually going to a very good cause.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
All right? I'm super excited, so let's have a great show! - There he is.
- Hey.
How's it goin', how you feelin'? I'm feeling really good.
I went down there, it's sold out.
- I know.
- This is fantastic.
- Thank you.
- They're very excited to see you.
When am I going on? You are on, uh, fourth.
And then Artie will come up after you to close the show.
Perfect, thank you.
Clean up, like the Babe.
That'll do, pig.
That'll do.
Yeah, I'm talkin' about the baseball guy.
- Yeah, I know, I know.
- You sure? Yeah, yeah.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- All right, thanks, you guys, thank you.
[PLAYING PIANO.]
My impression of a Beethoven concert, here we go.
[PLAYING PIANO.]
Please welcome, direct from Bonn it's Beethoven.
- Is Artie here yet? - I haven't seen him.
Thank you very much, it's great to be here.
[LAUGHTER.]
Uh, since this is the last night of the tour, I'm just gonna play the hits.
[LINE RINGING.]
[OVER VOICEMAIL.]
: Yeah, this is Artie, leave a message.
WAYNE: I start my concerts the same way.
Are you ready to classical? [LAUGHTER.]
I can't hear you! [AUDIENCE CHEERS.]
No, I can't hear you.
I'm completely deaf.
It's a miracle I can play piano.
All right, that's my time.
I'm gonna leave you with this one.
PETE: Fucking Artie! Oh my God! I am so sorry! Excuse me! Sorry! Whoa! Sorry! Sorry! I was just with my father.
Um, it's unbelievable.
We had the best time Hi, sorry.
Uh I'm Pete.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Jessica? - Yes? I I'm looking for a comedian, uh, our headliner, around the corner, at the Underground, is is running late.
I just need somebody to do, like, five, 10 minutes? - If you could? - Ohh, I just ordered hummus.
I'm so sorry.
Uh, it I don't know if it makes a difference, it's a it's a benefit.
Wayne Federman, do you know him? - He He's - Yeah - He has cancer, and um, - Ooh all the money's going to his bills.
It's a really good crowd.
- Like, pheneom - Okay, okay.
I'll do 10.
- Okay? - Yeah.
So, if Artie's not there, by the time you're done, I'll just point to who's next, and and you can bring them up, if that's okay.
Okay, so now you want me to host, too? No, just, like, tag team.
I don't tag team.
I am legally married to another woman, but it's fine, 'cause we're both feminine-looking.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- But she's really hot.
You would jerk off to her, she's really hot.
[LAUGHTER.]
I guess we look alike.
'Cause we both have long, curly hair.
People ask if we're sisters.
That's a big question.
"Are you guys sisters?" I'm like, if sisters finger each other - "in Home Depot" - [LAUGHTER.]
I remember when we were getting married, I'm Jewish and she's not, so I'm chosen and my parents didn't care that I was marrying a woman.
That's the great part, they could care less.
You know what they cared about? That she wasn't Jewish, isn't that amazing? Anyone who's a Jew in the crowd is gonna understand that.
So they started calling me, "Can you" just not serve pork at the wedding?" Do you mind just not serving pork? I'm like, "That's what you're upset I'm eating?" [LAUGHTER.]
- [PHONE RINGING.]
- Artie: Yeah, this is Artie, leave a message.
It's a benefit, Artie's running late, I just need somebody to do, like, 15? Come on, man.
Ready? Come on! Hey, I don't run to spots.
- Come on, man! - No! - Thank you! - [APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.]
Let's hear it for Jessica Kirson, everybody! [APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.]
Ha-ha! Um all right, we have, uh, we more show.
- You guys feeling good? - [CHEERS.]
Uh, Artie is, uh, he's he's in the building, I've been told I I believe he's very close, but we have another A pop-in-er, you guys excited - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- to see Let's start clapping right now, uh, for a friend of the show, it's Greer Barnes, everybody.
- It's Greer Barnes! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
If I was a white woman, I would rob black dudes.
[LAUGHTER.]
[LAUGHS.]
I'd walk up to black dudes and be, like, "Hi, my name is Sarah, give me your wallet.
" [LAUGHTER.]
"Sarah? That's my grandmama name.
" "Give me your wallet or I'm gonna scream.
" "[STAMMERS.]
: Here, Sarah.
" [LAUGHTER.]
Please, it's it's a benefit.
You want me to close a benefit, which means, I gotta do well, which means I gotta try.
I I I just need somebody to close.
Please, I I've been running back and forth, I need 20 minutes Yeah, I'll do it.
Really? What am I, a dick? Of course.
Oh my God.
You're really helping me out.
Yeah, all right, all right.
Relax you're sweatin' like an informant.
Can Can we go? Yeah, lemme just finish this.
I don't I don't have "lemme just finish this" kinda time.
[LAUGHTER.]
I got two kids, 14 and 16 years old.
We sit around after dinner sometimes.
We play this game called, "Hey, Let's All Take a Shit on Dad.
" - [LAUGHTER.]
- Let's all talk about what a nerd Dad is.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- "Oh, Dad, you're so out of it.
" "Dad, you don't get it.
" "Dad you don't know how to dial" It's like, "Hey! You don't know me, motherfucker!" [LAUGHTER.]
You don't know who I was.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- I used to be very cool.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- You know when I stopped being cool? When you two assholes were born.
[LAUGHTER.]
Before that, very cool.
Way cooler - than you will ever be.
- [LAUGHTER.]
You know why you won't be as cool as I was? 'Cause you're not being raised by an abusive, alcoholic parent, that's why.
- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.]
- And that can change.
- [LOUDER LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.]
- Thank you very much.
You guys were great! Thanks a lot! [APPLAUSE.]
Greg Fitzsimmons, everybody, Greg Fitzsimmons! Wasn't that great? And how about a round of applause, that was a great show.
Wasn't that a great show? - [APPLAUSE AND CHEERS.]
- Uh unfortunately, Artie did not make it, um - AUDIENCE: Aw - But I do think [BOOING.]
Um, but, but, but, um your you didn't know this, your your ticket actually All of your ticket, um, money went to a wonderful cause, um, Wayne Federman.
And he, uh Hodgkins.
Hodgkins, and, um, you know, so your money is gonna help pay some of his medical bills.
Who cares? We want Artie! Again, we've run out of time, there's another show [BOOING.]
So I I I apologize, Artie is not here, - but thank you for helping Wayne.
- [BOOING CONTINUES.]
MAN: Fuck Wayne Federman! [BOOING CONTINUES.]
Wayne Federman has Hodgkins.
Sorry, um sorry about this.
[BOOING.]
What the fuck? Artie Hey, what's going on? What's going on? Where were you? You you m You missed the show.
You know what, man? I'm sorry, I had some stuff going on, okay? I I had to do some things, I apologize, all right? I'm sorry.
Some stuff, really? Some stuff going on? What was going on? You kn You know I don't know, something was going on.
You gotta stay out get out get outta my ass about this, all right? I've been running back and forth to get people to cover for you.
Oh, I'm all broken up about that.
Hones you know, I'm gonna be honest about this.
I guess I'm a piece o'shit.
All right? You you just fucked Wayne, you just fucked me, you fucked the show You know what? Okay, I'm done with this.
I'm a piece o'shit.
Let's just leave it at that.
I was out scoring.
I was out tryin' to buy drugs, okay? - What? - Yeah, that's what I was doin', all right? What h What happened to turning it around? - [COUGHS.]
- We're turning things around? You are un-fucking- believable, man.
You are s are you stupid or naive? Or just ignorant? I don't know where the fuck you came from.
Turning it around? Do you see who's talking to you, man? I'm a heroin addict.
I bullshit people, that's what I do.
I'm not gonna turn it around, ever.
I thought we were moving in the right direction.
- What what happened - [CHUCKLING.]
- to moving? - Moving in the right direction? Yes, I thought we were making some changes? Were you with me the other night when I was sweating from withdrawals and I go cop at four a.
m.
? Were you with me that night? Were you movin' in the right direction with me that night? No, you weren't.
So I had to go do what I have to do.
And you do whatever you do.
Artie, I know you're struggling.
I believe in you.
Um, struggling Struggling ain't the word, man.
Struggling ain't the word.
This is a physical thing, it's not just, uh, an emotional thing, it's physical, getting off heroin.
- I know.
- It's physical if I could go back, honestly, I wish I could go back, when a a younger Artie did heroin for the first time in a fucking hotel room on the on the road.
And I wish I could tackle that guy.
I literally, I wish I could tackle him, and stop him from doing it.
But it's over.
It's just over.
Look, you have an opportunity, okay? You've been handed this life.
Don't you owe it to the people that love you? - Oh my God, you s - Don't you owe it to your your mom? - Your dad? - Honestly, I I guess I guess maybe I had I had it wrong.
Maybe you do care a little too much.
Honestly, maybe it's kinda creepy that you care too much.
Come on, man And bringing up my mother and my fucking dad, you're bringing up dead relatives now.
Honestly? That's fucked up.
You know what? Fuck you, Pete.
Fuck you.
I don't need this shit from you - Come on - okay? Honestly, just get the fuck away from me.
- Can we just? - Get the fuck away from me.
- Let's just - Get the fuck away from me.
- What Let's - I'll fucking lay you out.
Okay? I'll fucking lay you out.
Go fucking do your fruity little comedy.
[DISTANT SIREN BLARING.]
Piece o'shit.
[LAUGHTER.]
ARTIE: Try as hard as you can not to do that again.
[LAUGHTER.]
Uh, is anyone else having the time of their life? - I am yeah! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
I don't know, I'm a gambler.
That's why I dress like this.
I I, uh, I'm a degenerate gambler.
I've been in show business for 30 years, I'm wearin' the same jacket I had on - at a Rush concert in 1981.
- [LAUGHTER.]
I don't know how to help this guy.
ARTIE: I I I bet on sports that I know nothing about, like the NBA.
The NBA are a bunch of hypocrites.
I don't think you can help him.
I've been in the program a Lotta years, and I can tell you, you can't make this choice for him.
He's not ready to stop.
[LAUGHTER.]
Eli Manning and Peyton Manning have a brother, Cooper Manning, okay? Cooper Manning sucks at quarterback, and he sells insurance.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [LAUGHTER.]
That's a rough Thanksgiving for Cooper.
Your father gets drunk and he goes, "Cooper, can you pass the gravy? Can you pass anything?" [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.]
It's a good time.
This is what I do for a living.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
The litebrite's now black and white 'Cause you took apart a picture that wasn't right Pitch burning on a shining sheet The only maker that you'd wanna meet The dying man in a living room Whose shadow paces the floor Who'll take you out in the open door This is not my life It's just fond farewell to a friend It's not what I'm like It's just a fond farewell to a friend Who couldn't get things right A fond farewell to a friend He said really I just wanna dance Good and evil matched perfect it's a great romance And I can deal with some psychic pain If it'll slow down my higher brain Veins full of disappearing ink Vomiting in the kitchen sink Disconnecting from the missing link This is not my life It's just a fond farewell to a friend It's not what I'm like It's just a fond farewell to a friend
Moved is a strong word.
Shouldn't you move into a place before you use the word move? Artie's like one of those old country songs.
He goes out for a pack of cigarettes and doesn't come back.
I know what you're saying but - he's doing better.
- I'm telling you right now he's halfway to Atlantic City.
Still trying to? - Yes.
Yeah.
- Make a tape? Do you want to come with me to my show? Going to Rififi.
You think they'll let me up or? Nope.
Ali Reissen, everybody.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- [SCREAMING, LAUGHING.]
I've created a monster.
[LAUGHTER.]
That's Caribbean week.
It's my favourite.
Of course you have a favourite.
[TEXT ON SCREEN.]
There's eight fries left.
You can have 'em, I'm done.
I'm only supposed to have, like, three carbs a day.
- Really? How's that working out? - Not working out at all.
It looks like the fourth squeezes in there sometimes.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
It bugs me that you're skinnier than me.
You were always my fat Hey.
How's it goin'? Just sat right down there, didn't you? Is Is somebody sitting here? No, dude, this is the comics' table, all right? But I sit with you all the time at the other club.
Yeah, but this is the Cellar.
The Cellar, it's different.
This is like The Tonight Show.
It's like being called to walk over to the couch.
ARTIE: These kids don't fucking know.
No, they don't know.
They don't get it.
- ARTIE: They don't get it.
- Back in my day, this table - Patrice, Giraldo, Burr, real ballbusters.
- ARTIE: Right, right.
I was scared shitless to sit at this table.
This guy just sits down like a friggin' Sesame Street character.
[LAUGHS.]
That shirt stinks.
Can we just talk about the shirt for a second? Geez, did the guy who molests you leave it on your nightstand last night? - [BOBBY AND ARTIE LAUGH.]
- I didn't know, I'm I'm sorry.
That's the problem.
See, this is it right here.
These guys can't take it.
They give it, they can't take it.
- ARTIE: He's all upset.
- All of a sudden, he's all being serious.
- Gentlemen? - Artie: Wayne-o! BOBBY: Hey, what's up, Federman? Hey, Pete, get the fuck up.
- Yeah.
- He's on the lineup.
Beat it.
You know, I will get up, out of respect.
Larry Sanders.
Step Brothers.
Absolutely correct.
I didn't know that was a benefit? - He knows my credits.
- Nice.
Yeah, there had to be one.
Could I get a sink water, please? - BOBBY [LAUGHING.]
: Guys - [INDISTINCT.]
she walks into is as dumb as mud.
I'm actually starting my own table.
You have to have no credits or respect to sit here.
- [LAUGHING.]
- How's that shirt, Bob Vila? You look like you're gonna build a table.
- What's your name again? - My name Nobody cares.
Shut up.
Oh, God.
Where did you get this kid? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
- I have a book out.
It's a Hollywood memoir.
It's called I'll Take That as a No.
[LAUGHTER.]
And it's being released, direct to PDF, straight to PDF.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- So check that one out.
[PIANO PLAYING JAZZY MELODY.]
Hey.
Hey.
Wings? What? - Would you like some wings? - I This is way too much for me, this is like, for a family of four, from the Midwest.
- I I would love some wi I can? - Come on over.
Yeah, come on over, the bullies are gone.
- [PETE LAUGHS.]
- You are totally safe.
- I I'm honored.
- It's Pete, right? - Yes, Pete.
- Yeah.
- Wayne.
- Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Just grab something there.
- Thank you, I will.
- Oh! The drumstick, that's, uh, bold.
Should I not? No, you should totally take the best thing on there.
- Is this - I'm kidding! Eat! - Thank you very much.
- Yeah.
I really am a huge fan of yours.
Well, thanks.
You're you're in one of my favorite scenes in Curb.
- Uh-huh.
- Legally Blonde.
[LAUGHS.]
You know, I made a career out of being in one scene in a movie, and then never seeing me again.
I guess you're right, right? Yeah, one scene and out.
I call it the Federman in and out.
- I think you could be in lots of scenes.
- Well In fact, I get connected to your character.
I see your character and I go, "What's that guy's story?" I appreciate that.
So, uh, are you going up tonight? Well, not here, obviously.
- But, um, I get up - You do? - I do the alt scene a little bit.
- Right.
I'm trying to get into the college market.
- Mm-hmm.
- I just submitted a tape to, uh, NACA.
- I don't know if - They still have NACA? - They still have NACA.
- NACA changed my life.
Changed my life.
I booked, like, 80 colleges, paid off my student loan.
But here's the crazy thing, more important to me was, I wrote on my tax forms, "comedian.
" - Is that crazy? - No! It was so important to me.
That's that's everything.
That's all I want I haven't had a real job since.
That's what NACA did for me.
- Wow.
- And how about this? As a bonus, you take the rest of these.
I'm gonna go.
- Oh.
- But so nice meeting you.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Nice to meet you.
- Ah.
Maybe the - Right, yeah.
- There's a little Yeah.
I'm sure I'll see you, though, I mean, like, I pop in here a couple times a week, so I'll see you again? Yeah, I'm actually Well, I'm taking a break.
I have Hodgkin's, - so - What? - Yeah.
- Oh my God.
Don't worry, don't panic, it's totally treatable.
It's just, I can't afford the treatments.
I can't afford the bills, it's, like, a whole thing.
Wow.
Yeah, so I'm just gonna move back in with my parents, gonna try to squirrel away some money.
I'm so sorry.
I I hope it works out for you.
It'll work out.
Nice meeting you, Pete.
- Enjoy those wings.
- Thank you.
Be well.
- [CAMERA CLICKS.]
- Hey! We got it, buddy.
All right.
Do me a favor, tag me on that, so people know I'm alive.
[LAUGHS.]
Artie.
Geez, man.
Did you know about Wayne? What? He try to touch your leg? - I No.
- What? He's sick.
He's and he's, like, he can't afford - His insurance is fucking him, and - Yeah, well He doesn't have money to pay for his medical care.
I feel bad, too, man.
But what do you mean he's got no money? None of us have any money.
Look at us, what are we doing here? It breaks my heart.
- Yeah, well.
- A guy that's been working for so long, and he can't even afford to pay for his treatment? I mean, we gotta help him.
You wanna help? You got any bone marrow lying around? Because that's what he needs.
What do you think's gonna happen here? Come on.
It doesn't have to be complicated.
We could just do a show and give him the money.
We could do like a benefit.
- Oh, a benefit? - We could do a benefit.
Right.
Let me explain something to you.
Every time a comedian does a show, it's a benefit, for themselves.
That's how it is, man.
Yeah, but it wouldn't it wouldn't even be that hard.
We just need to get a group of comics together.
If if you headline, all the other comics will fall into line.
- [SIGHS.]
- Put up a great lineup.
- Oh.
Sounds easy.
- Raise some money It is easy.
I could even host.
- Oh, wait, wait.
You'll host? - I I could host.
Yeah, now I get your angle.
You'll host.
I am rubbing off on you.
I get what's going on here.
You wanna use his sickness to get stage time.
Is that what's going on? Artie, I'm not doing this for me.
I'm just sayin', I could put it all together.
Right.
Make it really, really easy.
All you have to do is show up.
I'll do anything to make this stop.
Let me explain something to you.
- I'll headline.
- You'll headline? - I'll headline.
- You'll do it? I'm being honest with you.
I will headline.
But you gotta do the work.
Okay? Of course.
I feel bad, he's a good guy.
Hey, you're a good man, Arthur.
I don't know about that, but I know I'm gonna need a benefit one day, so I'm putting out some karma.
And do me a favor.
Promise me one thing.
When my benefit comes around, you're not hosting.
You're not hosting.
Personally, I like sweet cream, as a base, 'cause it doesn't overwhelm the mix-ins.
For me, it's all about tasting the mix-ins.
Oreo Overload is popular.
I'm gonna take my break, but Camilla Camilla, could you, uh, assist me, please? Uh, thank you, ladies.
I don't know what to say, don't know how Aw.
- What? - You have stubble.
- This? - Yeah.
This pinch of sand? Yeah! [LAUGHS.]
Just a sprinkle of salt.
Yeah, don't get used to it.
I haven't shaved in, like, nine days.
- Wow.
- This is it.
You're looking at it.
- It's crazy.
- That's crazy.
I don't shave.
Except except these guys.
These guys grow little hairs, so I clean 'em off in the shower.
- Mmm.
- Sorry, that's gross.
- It's not gross.
- I'm a gross person.
No, we all have hairs.
I have this one hair, growing out of my nipple.
It's, like, real long.
I could shave it.
But I'm not gonna shave it, 'cause I wanna see how long it'll get.
- [LAUGHS.]
- It's so weird.
I have, like, pride.
I love her.
I call her Betty.
Is it weird that I know Betty? - That makes me sad.
- [LAUGHS.]
- I wanted her to be my little secret.
- No.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, no.
- No, it's lovely.
You're lovely.
- I know.
You should be proud.
- Aw.
- What? I don't know, I feel like you'd look cute with a beard.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
I think about it, though.
The worst part of not being able to grow a beard, - it's like a It's a man thing.
- Mmm.
You know? Like, if I'm on a desert island, you know, that's, like, when men grow beards.
- Mm, I'm sure.
Yeah.
- Like Tom Hanks? If I was on a desert island, a rescue chopper would fly by, they'd look down and they'd think I was fine.
[LAUGHS.]
"Oh, let's save that No.
Roll the ladder back up.
- [LAUGHING.]
- "That guy's just looking to get away.
" He wants to be here.
Yeah.
He's clearly shaving, he's found resources.
[LAUGHING.]
That's so funny.
You should write that down.
Really? You think that's stage funny? - Yeah.
It's a bit.
- Okay.
- [PHONE DINGS.]
- Oh.
Sorry.
Oh, shit, it's Greg.
I got Rififi.
- That's great.
- I got Rififi! Oh, yay.
They want me to do five minutes on Rifi this is amazing! I might've put in a little word.
- What? - [LAUGHS.]
- You did? - Yeah.
- Thank you! - You're welcome.
I just I told 'em you're great, 'cause you're great.
Ooh! I got a sugar mama.
- Thank you! - Woop! Woop! What do you think the employee discount is at the Dollar Store? [LAUGHTER.]
- Do you think it's just, take it? - [LAUGHTER.]
Just take it.
Thanks for working here.
[LAUGHING.]
I'm not, uh, a very manly guy.
I can't grow a beard.
Which is fine.
But, you know, I was thinking about it.
What if I what if I'm in, like, a plane crash, and I have to live on a deserted island? If I can't grow a beard, the rescue chopper's gonna come by, they're gonna see me, they'll think I'm fine.
[LAUGHTER.]
Oh, I guess he just wanted to get away, because he's clearly found a way to shave, so he's got resources, so, roll the ladder back up, he's okay.
[BUZZING.]
- You Nick? - Excuse me? Who are you? Who are you I'm looking for Artie.
Uh, Artie Lange? Oh.
Artie's not here.
Sorry.
Is he coming back or? Yeah, like in five, 10 minutes, all right? Is Can he So he just left you You know what? Wait in the hallway.
You want me to wait in the hall You know what? You're right, wait in here.
I don't like this hallway for you.
Come on.
I could I can - You can wait in here! - Okay.
Is this is this the guy? No.
It's a friend of Artie's.
He's, uh, he's gonna wait for him here.
Oh, oh, oh How are you doin'? I'm Raymond, this is Gene.
We're friends of Artie's from the neighborhood.
- [STAMMERS.]
- How do you know how do you know him? I, um, I'm a comedian, too, so Oh, yeah.
You talk in a microphone? [LAUGHS.]
Right.
You know that reminds me, that reminds me, how I know Artie.
We got a mutual friend that got hit by a train, but he only got his foot cut off, but it wasn't so bad, right? Anyway, that's how we met.
[LAUGHS.]
It was fucking funny, it was fucked up.
Well, I don't um, I'm gonna have to run to my car, so I'll just Okay? Definitely, man.
Watch your hand in the door.
Okay.
Thank you.
Hi.
Is, um, Artie Lange performing? No.
Thank you.
[DISTANT SIREN WAILING.]
[LINE RINGING.]
ARTIE: This is like the eighth time you've called me, Pete.
What do you want? [COUGHING.]
You all right? I'm fine.
Artie, you don't look fine.
Oh, thanks, man, 'cause I don't own a mirror.
So? I mean So, what? Look, you called me.
I called you back, right? So so this is your idea.
What's going on? You It took you a while to call me back.
And then, who were those guys? - What guys? - The guys that you You had two sketchy guys in your apartment.
They're my sketch group.
[CHUCKLES.]
- That's not - No Artie, these guys came over, they they They had drugs with They were doing drugs.
Okay, look.
First of all, Columbo, I don't know anything about that.
Nothing.
If someone's doing drugs, I I don't know - anything about drugs.
- It was right here, it was in your house.
Artie, you can't be using.
You know this.
I thought you were in recovery.
First of all, I'm not using.
Okay? Let's get that straight.
Don't be yelling out that bullshit.
It costs me work.
I'm not using.
I'm in recovery.
Actively.
- So - I would never shoot up with them.
If they First of all, I saw them possibly doing something weird, and I got out I got outta here.
That's That's good.
I'm proud of you.
Thank you.
Well, thanks for being proud of me.
That's not easy to do, that's amazing.
I just wanna help you, man.
If you're on a good streak, I just wanna be here I gotta tell you something.
You know, usually, I I blow people off like this, but, um, you're different than my New York buddies.
You're way more sincere, and, uh, I appreciate that.
I do, I appreciate it.
I do.
Thank you.
- I I appreciate you, are you kidding? - Thank you.
Thank you for telling me that.
Uh, look, uh, thank you for being here.
Nobody else is here.
You know? You're probably the best friend I got right now.
And I appreciate it.
- Well, let - You know, you are.
- Let me help you.
- You wanna help? I wanna be Let me help you.
All right, well let's, uh, let's do something, uh, positive, then.
- Yes.
- Uh You gotta replace a bad habit with a good habit.
I saw a TED Talk.
You just gotta - Let's do it.
- retrain your brain.
Well, I'm in.
Let's do it.
Well, I'll tell you what a good habit is for me, I'm starvin'.
- Let's go get something to eat.
- I would love to.
I'm sorry things aren't easy for you right now, but Yeah, well Yeah, it's not easy.
Life's weird now.
It really is.
Are you going to meetings or? I gotta tell you, the whole thing about AA, it feels a little too religious for me, you know? And God, with me, quite frankly, he's got some explaining to do.
- What do you mean? - What do I mean? So, you know, your father becomes a quadriplegic by falling off a roof, with no insurance.
You gotta go on welfare, and, uh, it ruins your whole family.
That doesn't make you feel like there's somebody up there that's looking out for you.
And, uh, you know, I'm a little cynical about it, quite frankly.
What do you want me to tell you? I mean - I'm so sorry.
- Yeah, right.
To be honest, I've been having a hard time with the whole "higher power" thing myself.
Really? You? Why? I don't know.
So much of my life, I was afraid of God.
Now I'm looking back, I didn't do stuff.
Maybe I missed out, I don't know.
What stuff? I was so worried about hell, I I didn't wanna Like I wouldn't jerk off, just in case Jesus came back while I was masturbating.
Well, that would be horrible luck, bad timing.
It's confusing.
Yeah, well, life can be a pretty fucked up thing, I'll tell you.
It can be, uh be pretty confusing.
I feel for you, man.
I do.
PETE: Isn't this nice? I mean, get the blood going, get fresh air? You know, they say exercise gets the, uh, releases the, um Endorphins.
Yeah, if if you say "endorphins" right now, I'm gonna throw you off a bridge.
- I I'm just - I just gotta I gotta sit down.
I'm having a good time.
I just gotta sit down, I'm tired.
It doesn't look clean.
I'll disinfect you when we leave.
[SIGHS.]
This, uh this does feel nice, though.
I I'm not kidding, I really feel better.
I feel like I should, uh, do this more often, and and just breathe air.
I feel young, you know.
I'm glad.
Thank you.
I like seeing you like this.
You do, yeah? It's like I didn't know you when you were young.
When were you young? - The '30s.
- [LAUGHS.]
[GANGSTER VOICE.]
Those were good times, see? [LAUGHS.]
You would've been a great gang boss.
[LAUGHS.]
You know what? That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
[LAUGHS.]
Uh, honestly, this is very, very cute, but it's gonna start turning into a date pretty soon, so, uh I'm gonna get going.
I'll see you tonight.
- Right? - Yeah.
Thanks, man.
Uh, you know, this really was something else.
- I appreciate it.
- Yeah.
I love you, buddy.
I love you, man.
I'll see you.
- Okay.
- Take care of yourself, man.
- Bye, Arthur.
- I love that shirt.
I get it.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Thanks very much.
Thanks for coming to the Village Underground.
We got a great show tonight.
Uh, and Artie Lange will be here later to headline.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Are you guys You having fun? - [CHEERS.]
- Okay, good, um tonight, your Your money, is actually going to a very good cause.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
All right? I'm super excited, so let's have a great show! - There he is.
- Hey.
How's it goin', how you feelin'? I'm feeling really good.
I went down there, it's sold out.
- I know.
- This is fantastic.
- Thank you.
- They're very excited to see you.
When am I going on? You are on, uh, fourth.
And then Artie will come up after you to close the show.
Perfect, thank you.
Clean up, like the Babe.
That'll do, pig.
That'll do.
Yeah, I'm talkin' about the baseball guy.
- Yeah, I know, I know.
- You sure? Yeah, yeah.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- All right, thanks, you guys, thank you.
[PLAYING PIANO.]
My impression of a Beethoven concert, here we go.
[PLAYING PIANO.]
Please welcome, direct from Bonn it's Beethoven.
- Is Artie here yet? - I haven't seen him.
Thank you very much, it's great to be here.
[LAUGHTER.]
Uh, since this is the last night of the tour, I'm just gonna play the hits.
[LINE RINGING.]
[OVER VOICEMAIL.]
: Yeah, this is Artie, leave a message.
WAYNE: I start my concerts the same way.
Are you ready to classical? [LAUGHTER.]
I can't hear you! [AUDIENCE CHEERS.]
No, I can't hear you.
I'm completely deaf.
It's a miracle I can play piano.
All right, that's my time.
I'm gonna leave you with this one.
PETE: Fucking Artie! Oh my God! I am so sorry! Excuse me! Sorry! Whoa! Sorry! Sorry! I was just with my father.
Um, it's unbelievable.
We had the best time Hi, sorry.
Uh I'm Pete.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Jessica? - Yes? I I'm looking for a comedian, uh, our headliner, around the corner, at the Underground, is is running late.
I just need somebody to do, like, five, 10 minutes? - If you could? - Ohh, I just ordered hummus.
I'm so sorry.
Uh, it I don't know if it makes a difference, it's a it's a benefit.
Wayne Federman, do you know him? - He He's - Yeah - He has cancer, and um, - Ooh all the money's going to his bills.
It's a really good crowd.
- Like, pheneom - Okay, okay.
I'll do 10.
- Okay? - Yeah.
So, if Artie's not there, by the time you're done, I'll just point to who's next, and and you can bring them up, if that's okay.
Okay, so now you want me to host, too? No, just, like, tag team.
I don't tag team.
I am legally married to another woman, but it's fine, 'cause we're both feminine-looking.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- But she's really hot.
You would jerk off to her, she's really hot.
[LAUGHTER.]
I guess we look alike.
'Cause we both have long, curly hair.
People ask if we're sisters.
That's a big question.
"Are you guys sisters?" I'm like, if sisters finger each other - "in Home Depot" - [LAUGHTER.]
I remember when we were getting married, I'm Jewish and she's not, so I'm chosen and my parents didn't care that I was marrying a woman.
That's the great part, they could care less.
You know what they cared about? That she wasn't Jewish, isn't that amazing? Anyone who's a Jew in the crowd is gonna understand that.
So they started calling me, "Can you" just not serve pork at the wedding?" Do you mind just not serving pork? I'm like, "That's what you're upset I'm eating?" [LAUGHTER.]
- [PHONE RINGING.]
- Artie: Yeah, this is Artie, leave a message.
It's a benefit, Artie's running late, I just need somebody to do, like, 15? Come on, man.
Ready? Come on! Hey, I don't run to spots.
- Come on, man! - No! - Thank you! - [APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.]
Let's hear it for Jessica Kirson, everybody! [APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.]
Ha-ha! Um all right, we have, uh, we more show.
- You guys feeling good? - [CHEERS.]
Uh, Artie is, uh, he's he's in the building, I've been told I I believe he's very close, but we have another A pop-in-er, you guys excited - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- to see Let's start clapping right now, uh, for a friend of the show, it's Greer Barnes, everybody.
- It's Greer Barnes! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
If I was a white woman, I would rob black dudes.
[LAUGHTER.]
[LAUGHS.]
I'd walk up to black dudes and be, like, "Hi, my name is Sarah, give me your wallet.
" [LAUGHTER.]
"Sarah? That's my grandmama name.
" "Give me your wallet or I'm gonna scream.
" "[STAMMERS.]
: Here, Sarah.
" [LAUGHTER.]
Please, it's it's a benefit.
You want me to close a benefit, which means, I gotta do well, which means I gotta try.
I I I just need somebody to close.
Please, I I've been running back and forth, I need 20 minutes Yeah, I'll do it.
Really? What am I, a dick? Of course.
Oh my God.
You're really helping me out.
Yeah, all right, all right.
Relax you're sweatin' like an informant.
Can Can we go? Yeah, lemme just finish this.
I don't I don't have "lemme just finish this" kinda time.
[LAUGHTER.]
I got two kids, 14 and 16 years old.
We sit around after dinner sometimes.
We play this game called, "Hey, Let's All Take a Shit on Dad.
" - [LAUGHTER.]
- Let's all talk about what a nerd Dad is.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- "Oh, Dad, you're so out of it.
" "Dad, you don't get it.
" "Dad you don't know how to dial" It's like, "Hey! You don't know me, motherfucker!" [LAUGHTER.]
You don't know who I was.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- I used to be very cool.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- You know when I stopped being cool? When you two assholes were born.
[LAUGHTER.]
Before that, very cool.
Way cooler - than you will ever be.
- [LAUGHTER.]
You know why you won't be as cool as I was? 'Cause you're not being raised by an abusive, alcoholic parent, that's why.
- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.]
- And that can change.
- [LOUDER LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.]
- Thank you very much.
You guys were great! Thanks a lot! [APPLAUSE.]
Greg Fitzsimmons, everybody, Greg Fitzsimmons! Wasn't that great? And how about a round of applause, that was a great show.
Wasn't that a great show? - [APPLAUSE AND CHEERS.]
- Uh unfortunately, Artie did not make it, um - AUDIENCE: Aw - But I do think [BOOING.]
Um, but, but, but, um your you didn't know this, your your ticket actually All of your ticket, um, money went to a wonderful cause, um, Wayne Federman.
And he, uh Hodgkins.
Hodgkins, and, um, you know, so your money is gonna help pay some of his medical bills.
Who cares? We want Artie! Again, we've run out of time, there's another show [BOOING.]
So I I I apologize, Artie is not here, - but thank you for helping Wayne.
- [BOOING CONTINUES.]
MAN: Fuck Wayne Federman! [BOOING CONTINUES.]
Wayne Federman has Hodgkins.
Sorry, um sorry about this.
[BOOING.]
What the fuck? Artie Hey, what's going on? What's going on? Where were you? You you m You missed the show.
You know what, man? I'm sorry, I had some stuff going on, okay? I I had to do some things, I apologize, all right? I'm sorry.
Some stuff, really? Some stuff going on? What was going on? You kn You know I don't know, something was going on.
You gotta stay out get out get outta my ass about this, all right? I've been running back and forth to get people to cover for you.
Oh, I'm all broken up about that.
Hones you know, I'm gonna be honest about this.
I guess I'm a piece o'shit.
All right? You you just fucked Wayne, you just fucked me, you fucked the show You know what? Okay, I'm done with this.
I'm a piece o'shit.
Let's just leave it at that.
I was out scoring.
I was out tryin' to buy drugs, okay? - What? - Yeah, that's what I was doin', all right? What h What happened to turning it around? - [COUGHS.]
- We're turning things around? You are un-fucking- believable, man.
You are s are you stupid or naive? Or just ignorant? I don't know where the fuck you came from.
Turning it around? Do you see who's talking to you, man? I'm a heroin addict.
I bullshit people, that's what I do.
I'm not gonna turn it around, ever.
I thought we were moving in the right direction.
- What what happened - [CHUCKLING.]
- to moving? - Moving in the right direction? Yes, I thought we were making some changes? Were you with me the other night when I was sweating from withdrawals and I go cop at four a.
m.
? Were you with me that night? Were you movin' in the right direction with me that night? No, you weren't.
So I had to go do what I have to do.
And you do whatever you do.
Artie, I know you're struggling.
I believe in you.
Um, struggling Struggling ain't the word, man.
Struggling ain't the word.
This is a physical thing, it's not just, uh, an emotional thing, it's physical, getting off heroin.
- I know.
- It's physical if I could go back, honestly, I wish I could go back, when a a younger Artie did heroin for the first time in a fucking hotel room on the on the road.
And I wish I could tackle that guy.
I literally, I wish I could tackle him, and stop him from doing it.
But it's over.
It's just over.
Look, you have an opportunity, okay? You've been handed this life.
Don't you owe it to the people that love you? - Oh my God, you s - Don't you owe it to your your mom? - Your dad? - Honestly, I I guess I guess maybe I had I had it wrong.
Maybe you do care a little too much.
Honestly, maybe it's kinda creepy that you care too much.
Come on, man And bringing up my mother and my fucking dad, you're bringing up dead relatives now.
Honestly? That's fucked up.
You know what? Fuck you, Pete.
Fuck you.
I don't need this shit from you - Come on - okay? Honestly, just get the fuck away from me.
- Can we just? - Get the fuck away from me.
- Let's just - Get the fuck away from me.
- What Let's - I'll fucking lay you out.
Okay? I'll fucking lay you out.
Go fucking do your fruity little comedy.
[DISTANT SIREN BLARING.]
Piece o'shit.
[LAUGHTER.]
ARTIE: Try as hard as you can not to do that again.
[LAUGHTER.]
Uh, is anyone else having the time of their life? - I am yeah! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
I don't know, I'm a gambler.
That's why I dress like this.
I I, uh, I'm a degenerate gambler.
I've been in show business for 30 years, I'm wearin' the same jacket I had on - at a Rush concert in 1981.
- [LAUGHTER.]
I don't know how to help this guy.
ARTIE: I I I bet on sports that I know nothing about, like the NBA.
The NBA are a bunch of hypocrites.
I don't think you can help him.
I've been in the program a Lotta years, and I can tell you, you can't make this choice for him.
He's not ready to stop.
[LAUGHTER.]
Eli Manning and Peyton Manning have a brother, Cooper Manning, okay? Cooper Manning sucks at quarterback, and he sells insurance.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [LAUGHTER.]
That's a rough Thanksgiving for Cooper.
Your father gets drunk and he goes, "Cooper, can you pass the gravy? Can you pass anything?" [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.]
It's a good time.
This is what I do for a living.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
The litebrite's now black and white 'Cause you took apart a picture that wasn't right Pitch burning on a shining sheet The only maker that you'd wanna meet The dying man in a living room Whose shadow paces the floor Who'll take you out in the open door This is not my life It's just fond farewell to a friend It's not what I'm like It's just a fond farewell to a friend Who couldn't get things right A fond farewell to a friend He said really I just wanna dance Good and evil matched perfect it's a great romance And I can deal with some psychic pain If it'll slow down my higher brain Veins full of disappearing ink Vomiting in the kitchen sink Disconnecting from the missing link This is not my life It's just a fond farewell to a friend It's not what I'm like It's just a fond farewell to a friend