Crossing Swords (2020) s02e06 Episode Script

1
‐ Ooh! That was a good one!
‐ What's going on?
‐ We did it, Patrick!
We found the very last gem!
And since you were the one
that found the first gem,
I wanted you to be here.
‐ What, you took all the gems?!
That was never the deal!
The caves are cursed!
‐ All the more reason to blow them
from here to kingdom come!
Light that bitch up!
‐ It seems like a waste of resources.
‐ Oh, you ain't seen nothing yet.
Check this shit out!
That's going to be hard
to sweep under the rug.
Today's the day
‐ Ah!
Today's the day, Tuls!
‐ Oh, here we go.
‐ You there! What day is it?
‐ Why, it's Circus Day, sir.
‐ I know it's Circus Day.
I just wanted to hear you fuckin' say it!
‐ Y'all are dancin' in elephant shit.
‐ Alright, alright! Everyone, back to one.
‐ Due to unforeseen stupidity,
there's an opening for a new knight.
One of you squires could be that knight.
‐ This is my time‐‐
‐ Is it me, is it my time?
Nope. Wait, you're right. It's yours.
Shotgun next!
‐ Impress the king, and you
could earn that knighthood.
As you know, today is the king's
favorite day, Circus Day,
and each of you will be
given an opportunity
to prove yourselves at your posts.
Here is the list of assignments.
‐ I got Royal Corn Dog Taster!
‐ I get to hold the king's balloon!
‐ What's a "funnel cake chuck bucket"?
I don't think I like it.
‐ I'm a tour guide?
I've no sense of direction.
I'm lost right now!
‐ Seat warmer? This hot ass?
I'll burn through the thing!
‐ Cotton candy bouncer?
What's a cotton candy?
‐ Oh, I heard it's amazing.
It's sand candy that becomes air,
something like that.
The king is desperate to try it.
You'll be guarding the line,
so he has the very first taste
in the entire kingdom!
‐ I heard, once you taste it,
it takes all your pain away.
Apparently, everyone carries a low‐grade
amount of pain at all times,
and you just get used to it.
But cotton candy
takes it all away. But then,
when you're out of cotton candy,
pain comes back worse than ever,
until you can score more cotton candy.
Well, I gotta go hit a meeting.
Later!
‐:
Step right up! Step right up!
See the magnificent Elephant Man.
Half elephant, all man!
The snout of a mighty elephant
and the sad, ridiculous penis of a man.
Repulsed by ol' dingle‐dangle dick?
‐ I politely asked you to
stop calling me that, Maurice.
‐ Behold the broad with a beard!
Feast your eyes on the atrocity
God certainly turned his back on.
For those with weak stomachs,
medics are on standby.
Last year, she grossed
someone out to death. Ah!
Plenty of oddities to
tickle your interest!
Feel better about your averageness.
Step right up!
‐ Soon, it will be ready!
We have a special Candy Scepter
for the first taste!
‐ Patrick, I must be the first one
to taste the elusive cloud candy.
‐ You can count on me, Sire.
I will keep every mouth away
from this spun sugar delight
until the first bite is
melting in your mouth.
‐ Spoken like a future knight.
Or a smut romance novelist.
Ah. Here, kid. Feeling generous today.
Hm. I really thought you'd catch that.
Not very knight‐like.
Oh my god, tigers!
Squire, resume walking tour.
‐ Resuming walking tour.
‐ Hm. Spoken like a future knight.
‐ By the W, those worthless diamonds
are from the "donate" pile.
They're super flawed,
just like my man‐child husband
who I'm learning to love again
through the magic of counseling. Hm.
Happy Circus Day.
‐ And furthermore,
caged animals display repetitive behavior
due to the lack of engagement
and extreme levels of stress.
On the right, you'll see‐‐ Oh.
Sorry. On the left‐‐
‐ Wow!
Scatacological magic!
I love the circus.
‐ Hey, hey! Blarney's beef tubes!
Get your beef tubes!
Plump and juicy beef tubes!
No way!
Hey, hey!
It's Tubbo, Flatfoot, and Bidet!
It's me, Blarney from clown college.
‐ Didn't you get kicked out?
‐ Yes, I did! At orientation.
For partying too hard!
And assault.
My tuition was not refunded.
Anyway, you playing tonight?
Do you need a
one, two, three, four, five
seventh?
‐ No offense, Blonzo.
‐ Blonzo! It's Blurtney.
Gah! Why'd I say that?
Blarney. I'm Blarney.
‐ You're not big top material.
‐ Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
‐ Nope!
Get outta here!
‐ Ow!
‐ Hey!
So sorry,
but the first taste is
reserved for the king.
‐ Oh, taste my ass.
‐ Please, sir.
I'm not long for this world.
I haven't had a joyful moment in ages!
My last wish is to taste the fairy floss.
May I, please? May I?
‐ It's just that the first bite
belongs to the king.
I'm sorry, little buddy.
‐ What?! That always works!
You're an arsehole!
‐ Ah!
‐ Hey, Patrick!
Sleeping on the job?
That's cool. I got fired!
‐ Behold! The coveted First Taste!
Aah
‐ Ah! Wha‐‐ Da‐‐
Where's the First Taste?
‐ Well, there's an old idiom
in the cotton candy business.
You snooze, you lose.
‐ Come back! In the name of the king!
‐ I will lick the inside
of your entire asshole
for that cotton candy.
‐ It's five cents.
‐ I will lick the inside
of your entire asshole
if you let me borrow five cents.
Ooh!
Aah!
‐ When do you think Piss Angel's
gonna come out? Soon?
‐ Would you keep your
dong in your drawers?!
Um, I mean,
as our couples' counselor
would want me to phrase it,
I feel like you should keep
your dong in your drawers.
Honey.
‐ Has anyone seen a kid with
our king's head on a gold stick?
Oh, you're not stopping. Okay.
Um, hello?
Mr. Mind Leak? Have you seen a‐‐
‐ My lungs are constricting
in this straightjacket.
Every breath I take could be my last!
Unless
‐ Uh, that's not how
straightjackets work.
‐ And I'm free!
‐ Great. Cool. Tight.
Um, so hi. I'm Patrick,
and I'm looking for‐‐
‐ Watch my mouth.
‐ Jesus H. Christ!
Why?! You're gonna shred your colon!
‐ Let me leak your mind
‐ I saw you go through the trap door.
None of this is magic.
‐ I made him disappear?
I am magic! Argh!
‐ Oh, please! I have never
wanted anything more
than a shot of vodka.
Gah! Shot at the stage!
‐ We can't just let any schmo up there.
You need a degree in tomfoolery
and a minor in jackassery.
‐ Oh, come on! A piece of paper
can't tell you if you can clown, man!
It comes from the heart!
And I've got an enlarged one!
‐ Buzz off, cornball. You're just a loser
with a dream that'll never come true.
Red nose goes! Aw, yeet yeet!
Juju on the beat! Tuna can!
Hello to the big top!
The big top! Woof woof!
‐ Let's go get 'em, boys.
Let's go!
‐ Oh, I'll show ya who's the real fool.
Ha‐ha! Hoo‐hoo!
‐ Oh! A pie to the face!
I've never seen that before!
These guys are geniuses!
What? They topped it!
I didn't think they could improve on that!
‐ Ah!
‐ I really loved what you
did with the clowns.
Let's write it into the act.
‐ Excuse me,
have you seen an orphan around here?
You can always tell an orphan from
the contractions and double negatives.
‐ There ain't no orphan 'round here!
‐ You mean there isn't
an orphan around here?
‐ Fuck off, buddy! Squirrel wings!
‐ Squirrel wings?
That was Danielle's thing.
This place is crawling with
reminders of my ex.
Gotcha!
‐ Look!
I'm face‐fucking the king!
Ex‐girlfriend.
OMG, it's your ex‐girlfriend.
‐ I'm in love with you,
but I'm gonna kill
everyone you care about.
Come and get me.
I'm also in love with you,
and I'm going to knight you.
Now, get this orphan's
wiener out of my face.
‐ What do I do,
what do I do, what do I do?
That's the assassin! Stop her!
‐ Not so fast!
Juggle trap! Nyah!
‐ Whoa! Ah!
‐ Us circus folks stick together!
You wanna get to her,
you gotta go through me!
‐ Oh! God! Ah!
She's getting away! Stop protecting her!
Ah! Molotov cocktail!
Must break the juggle.
Ah!
‐ If you come back 'round here,
you'll be juggling with the fishes!
‐ Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,
binaries and non‐binaries,
it's the moment you've
all been waiting for
Piss Angel!
‐ It's the golden boy himself
Piss Angel Mind Leak?!
‐ Give a warm
Cirque du Circus welcome
to
‐ Piss Angel Mind Leak!
Piss Angel
Mind Leak!
‐ Move.
‐ Patrick oh, I did a bad thing.
I chased the cotton dragon,
and I caught her.
‐ Ah, ha!
‐ Have you seen my grandma?
‐ What the
‐ I ask the wise, I ask the weak,
a volunteer is
what I seek.
Me! Please pick me!
‐ You, sir! The eager young man
with the gleaming crown. Come forward.
‐ Outta the way! Outta the way!
Make way for the king!
One side! I'm special! Not you!
‐ Ah, ha!
‐ Oh, hey. Uh,
it's me, um, Little Red Riding Hood.
Yup.
I'm just going to go my gram‐gram's now.
TTYL!
‐ Oh!
Oh boy! Oh good!
‐ Ha!
‐ Oh! Blessed be the squash.
I am the Footmaid.
Would you care to hear my fable?
‐ Oh This sounds long. No, thank you.
‐ Oh! Wait!
Hm. You're Patrick.
Danielle had a message for you.
‐ I did it!
I'm the volunteer.
‐ What is your name, young man?
‐: King Merriman.
‐ Well, King Merriman, behold!
The Box of Comeuppance!
‐ Comeuppance?!
I love comeuppance!
It's like I'm standing in a coffin!
‐ A king you now lack,
a king you'll get back.
Chant "bring back the king" three times,
and Piss Angel
will leak your minds!
Bring back the king! Bring back the king!
‐ "In sum at"?
Sorry, it's been awhile since
I've been allowed to read words.
"In‐in sum mation
This is a dis dis"
‐ Distraction!
‐ I can do it!
"Distraction. The lo
"lon‐ger you stand here,
"the longer you leave
your king unprotected.
"You're a fool and a vir‐gin."
See? I can read!
Oh, he left.
Bring back the king
‐ You asked, and I shall deliver.
Bring back the king,
and may he long live
er.
Rhymes are hard.
I'm free‐styling up here, you know?
Behold!
‐ Papa's home!
‐ Oh no.
‐ The old king is alive!
‐ Ah!
‐ Your rightful ruler is
back from the dead,
ya spoony rascals!
Now, who wants to tug on my testes?
Oh, where are my manners?
May I introduce to you
the brainpower behind
my return to the people.
My granddaughter, Danielle.
‐ Ha, ha!
Ex‐girlfriend.
OMG, it's your ex‐girlfriend.
‐ Ah! Danielle!
‐ Raised in a circus, bitch!
‐ Ta‐da! Grand entrance! Surprise!
‐ What am I gonna do?
Think, Patrick, think!
Danielle's about to do
a redemptive monologue,
which means you have, like,
45 seconds to make a plan.
‐ That's right!
Twelve years ago,
they said the old king died in a plague,
but he didn't die in anything.
They just locked his old ass up! Ooh.
Sorry, Grandpa.
‐ What? Who are you?
‐ Ha, ha!
‐ I saw you go through the trap door.
None of this is magic.
And who's to blame? King Merriman.
Merriman, who faked
the rightful king's death,
so he could callously
take the throne for himself.
Merriman, who found untold
riches underground
and shared them with whom? Nobody!
Do you feel rich?
‐ No! I don't feel rich!
‐ Jeez, would you give someone
else a chance to outburst?
‐ Hm?
‐ Alright
‐ Guards, arrest my daughter‐in‐law!
She was in on it the whole time!
Boo! Boo, I say!
‐ You suck!
‐ Oh, boo me all you want!
My heart is a pickle! I can't feel shame!
‐ Patrick, you're not supposed
to be down here.
‐ But I won't leave you, Sire!
‐ Get out, you civilian!
Ooh, you're gonna ruin the trick!
‐ Your Majesty, the trick
is that the old king is back,
and the entire kingdom knows what you did.
‐ Uh‐oh.
‐ We need to get you out of here.
‐ Oh, no. I'll die before I give up
the throne to that old mummy.
‐ There are 200 armed guards
ready to murder you on sight!
‐ Is that supposed to scare me?
Because it does. Let's roll.
Ooh
Under the stage!
‐ They found us!
Oh. I failed you, Sire.
‐ Eh. You're no failure. Just flawed.
‐ Flawed!
It'll do.
Be right back. I see an old friend.
Oh, why!
‐ Here you go, sir.
The first taste of cotton candy,
all for you.
‐ Well, that's all well and good,
but did you just beat
a 9‐year‐old boy unconscious?
‐ We better keep moving.
‐ There's going to be some
changes around here.
‐ Okay, guys, when he finishes talking,
we roll in with our show‐stopper
and make history.
‐ Shotgun!
‐ There's no room, fuckface.
‐ Say, where's my jester?
Bungles is dead?
Well, who's gonna make my tummy jiggle?
I demand a replacement jester.
‐ Jester? That's what we trained for!
It's every clown's dream!
Hey! What are you doing?
‐ Sorry, there's no room,
fuckface!
Replacement jester at your service!
‐ To the mines!
‐ Wonderful idea!
Unless you're thinking of using the gems
to bribe our way out of this
because those gems are cursed, Patrick,
and we promised to only take what we need,
so don't even think about it.
‐ Sire, I know you took all the gems!
‐ Christ! I'm getting tea‐bagged
left and right here!
‐ Okay. We need to go somewhere
no one will recognize us.
‐ No, Patrick. Not we.
I need you back at the castle.
Someone needs to watch
over my Tulip and my Petal.
‐ I won't let you down, Sire.
‐ You probably will.
Okay. Well,
I'm off to disappear into the countryside,
become one with the common folk.
Maybe I'll even follow
my dream of joining the circus!
Did you know the circus is in town?
‐ That's a bad idea, Your Majesty.
‐ Well, anyway, I'm off.
But, before I go,
time to take that first taste.
Share this with me, Patrick.
Share a circus treat with an old friend.
‐ I'd be honored, Sire.
‐ This is
disgusting!
Goodbye forever, Patrick.
‐ I'll never forget you, Your Majesty.
That was amazing.