DAVE (2020) s02e06 Episode Script

1
What the fuck?
Can I get, like
Can I get, like, 30 or 4
All right, I need, like, 30
or 40 minutes to eat lunch.
What the fuck?
- I'm single ♪
- Hey ♪
- Let's mingle ♪
- Ho ♪
I'm the best guy left, it's official ♪
- Yeah ♪
- Get back, just ♪
Run that back.
Are you, like, retired from rap
or something and nobody told me?
- Or, like
- I'm sorry.
I'm on this new online dating platform,
and man, is it an oasis.
Every single person on here is either
an incredibly hot girl or an
incredibly successful man so
Nigga, if I had your status, bro,
I'd be taxing everybody
and their mama to kick it.
- What?
- Bro, he famous, bro.
That's the whole point of being famous.
Time costs money. His
presence is a present.
Bro, you better make
these hos pay homage, bruh.
Pay homage? Omage. Homage?
I want you to see what
I'm working with here.
I have a date tonight with Sadie.
And I got a feeling I'm gonna explode.
- You ain't getting sucked.
- "Live, love, laugh," bro? That's her bio.
Well, what would your bio be?
"I bring girls over and I watch
Surviving R. Kelly with them
- because I don't know the content of it."
- Oh.
- Oh.
- "And then I try to kiss them
- during the commercial breaks, like a fucking creep"?
- Oh. Relax.
- Enough.
- Wasn't that a horrible decision
- on your end?
- On our end. It was our end,
because me and her both made
the decision to watch that shit.
Gata, do you want to get on this
app? 'Cause I can get you on.
- Friend pass.
- Nah, nah, nah, I'm cool.
I'm on Jdate right now looking
for my wife with a 401[K] plan
- that'll let me be her man.
- Are you actually on Jdate?
Yeah. I'm on here swiping
right now. This is great, bro.
That's so smart.
- Opposites attract.
- Ho!
- What?
- Big-time, big-time, big-time.
Is that a direct deposit or what?
Wow, this is real. This is
actually this is reality.
This is insane.
Look at who I just matched with.
Who the fuck is that?
Look at who I just matched with.
Bro, you know who Doja Cat is.
Oh, that's the chick
with all that ass, bro.
- Yeah, it is.
- That's a whole
That's another level of thickness, bro.
Advanced thickness, bro.
Niggas gonna be trying
to assassinate you, bro.
I've never dated a famous woman before.
- Hold on.
- Man, just treat her like a pedestrian, bro.
- Hello?
- I'm getting a Perrier. We're gonna
put our heads together
when I'm back. Textually.
I know you be on all
that weirdo art shit.
Who you know could
pull up right now, man?
I need somebody to give me all
of that weird shit for this video.
- Whose video?
- Um
- Nothing, man. Damn.
- Whose video?
Let me think. Give me
a second. Okay, relax.
- Rae Sremmurd.
- Me. Tell him me.
- Me! I can do it!
- Uh
- Who's that?
- Lil Dicky.
You know, uh, you know
that white rapper Lil Dicky?
- He's kind of corny.
- Skyrocketing. Coming up.
- He's growing right now. He's bubbling.
- Bubbling!
Bad haircut.
Everything's going up for him.
Corny white boy?
- Exactly.
- Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, he's perfect.
Tell him to pull up ASAP.
Okay, I'll connect you guys.
You can get him out of my hair.
- All right. Thanks.
- All right.
- Why you hit me?
- This is incredible.
W what is it, like, a cameo?
I don't know. The nigga said
he needed some weird stuff,
and you were the one who
said "yeah" to weird stuff.
So I'm going to my first
rap video shoot right now?
Is your day just that fucking
clear that you can just be like,
drop everything? You have
nothing to fucking do?
I definitely have nothing better to do,
but there's also nothing
on my schedule. Either way,
you judge me while
I'm gonna go back here
and text this pop star real quick.
You keep doing you chilling, right?
You're hanging out, chilling,
and I like the sweatshirt,
'cause you're laid-back.
I've got a whole lot
of other things going on
socially, professionally,
borderline sexually, but
Wait, wait, before you even
finish, I'm gonna walk away.
Okay.
- This is incredible.
- Ooh, man, that was a good little workout, man.
- You got some good news I see.
- I'm very excited.
Man, you know I gotta keep my
Bruce Lee body in shape, bro.
We we on another level, bro.
I know, just put it right
down where you're standing
-
- and I got it from here. I appreciate it.
- You sure?
- Yep.
It's a fame thing. No
worries, man. Appreciate it.
- I'm so happy you guys are here.
- Oh, honey, I miss hugging you.
You still smell like an old Bible, Mom.
Lord's ear to my witness you do.
- Yeah, it's the rental car.
- Yeah.
-
- Yeah. Oh, my God.
- Lot of errands today, huh?
- That house is so
- gorgeous.
- I wanted to jump in the pool.
-
- I just wanted to forget about everything.
- Don, this weather!
- Take a swim.
Please!
-
- You hungos?
I'll feed you, just give me a sec.
- He was anime.
- Anime?
- He had the ping-pong balls
- He was not anime.
-
- He was a short New Zealander
- who got, who got lucky.
- He's, he had
Fuck you say?
Well, it's Game of Thrones
or Lord of the Rings,
but at the time, you said
he looked like the guy
from The Shape of the Water.
- No, I never said that.
- Yes, you did.
Because he had those three
little tattoos by his ears,
-
- and you thought he had gills.
But I'm telling you I
will not be eating there.
You think the Ikea recipe
says onions, carrots,
celery and horse?
I'm not saying that it's
part of their recipe,
- but I think there's clearly
-
- a lack of oversight. And
- Hey, Siri,
are Ikea meatballs made of horse?
We're not going to Ikea.
- Why?
- I'm not doing that today.
- Good.
- Okay, I found this on the Web
Are Ikea meatballs made of horse?
-
- Check it out.
Alex, out.
Humans only.
Out, out!
I think I need a little
more time to adjust.
We've been here three
weeks. You can't
David, how long were you jet-lagged
when you first got here?
- Never.
- Never?
Three-hour time difference.
- I'm unaffected by that type of thing.
- I don't know.
Jet lag can last months, I think.
No, you can't be jet-lagged
-
- for that Are you feeling
-
- All right,
- I think
- Well, I think we need a lot of
-
- I'd like an air fryer.
Okay. We're only here for six months.
- Well, still.
-
All right, I think that's
probably a good idea.
- David.
-
Sorry.
My stylist bought it for me,
and he said we should
turn it into a merkin.
If you don't know what that is,
that's that's fake pussy hair
on top of your pussy hair.
I remember just feeling like this.
Just feeling like this.
Do you see this comment section?
What is wrong with my eyebrows?
I'm I'm about to look
this dude up. Who's this?
Just from your avi alone,
I can tell that you have bad sex often.
Listen, Mr. Rogers, I love your show.
But something about
you being on my live
Okay, guys, so as you can
see, I probably got to go sh
uh, shave and wax "shax" my
I have to shax my merkin.
Bye.
Look, I don't think you can
get Chinese food out here
the way it is back east.
- I thought this was really good.
- No, it was good.
- It was good.
- I thought it was good.
- Wasn't East Coast. David.
- Did you
-
- What do you David?
- Huh?
- You know, we come out here
for the winter to be
with you, and it's
it's like you're not even here with us.
I've just been talking
to a woman all day,
and my heart's kind of
racing it's exciting.
And she may or may not be famous.
- Ooh.
- Yeah.
- Who is it?
- Her name is
Amala. Or "Ah-mah-la."
The junkets would refer
to her as Doja Cat.
Is she is she Jewish?
Wikipedia actually does
say that she's half-Jewish.
- Oh!
- Oh, what's the other half?
Black.
Well, that's wonderful, David.
What?
Who cares what ethnicity she is?
- Well, you asked if she was Jewish.
- That's different.
- Check her out.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
- She has
great breasts.
Oh, very impressive woman.
- Here. Let me
- All right, Dad. You got Carol right there.
- I know
- I just got to send this one thing to her,
and then I'll get right back
- to whatever's going on over here.
- Honey
If you think it's
gonna make you happy
dating women in the industry
let me tell you, you've
got another thing coming.
Another think coming.
- What?
- I got to get off this app.
Another think.
- What are you talking about?
- You said "another thing."
It's another The expression,
"another think coming."
- We're moving off the app.
- Think?
- Yeah.
-
- I apologize.
- Oh, so you're just gonna up and leave us here
and have Mike help us for
the rest of the afternoon?
- Yeah.
- And why isn't he going to your video shoot?
It's not my video shoot. It's
They're other artists who
need my help for their video.
- It's But, yeah.
- Well, and while we're talking about it,
I would love to show
my friends your videos,
but when I listen to
your lyrics, I feel shame.
- Thanks, Mom. I I appreciate that.
- Well, I just
- There's nice
- I have to get a Lyft right here, so
David, there is a
nicer way to say things.
Everything doesn't have
to be so crass and vulgar.
"Fuck a bitch on a stick" this,
and "somebody suck me" that.
It's degrading and misogynistic,
and, David, you are so
much better than that.
I hear you. I I think you just don't
kind of understand rap
music to an extent
it's the nature of the beast
but I will take your feelings
into account moving
forward. I understand.
No more misogyny.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
Hey, what exactly is "neck"?
"Getting neck"?
'Cause I've heard you say that,
but I don't understand what it means.
We're gonna pick this
up at a later juncture.
Mike's gonna text you
and meet up with you.
- Okay.
- Take care of all the errands. I love you both.
- Drive safe. See you soon.
- Same here.
- Love you. Love you.
- Love you both. Drive safe. See you soon.
- You
- Yeah.
What is getting neck?
I think it's getting head,
but in a modern kind of way.
- Like, with your neck?
- No, like
Exactly.
My sister's six months pregnant now,
and it's like boom
trajectory on pause
for what, a year?
While her body is just mutating
because of the
Oh, my God.
He texted me.
What do I say?
- Uh
- Does this mean that it's not happening?
He's a rapper.
Every day is probably like this for him.
Just be super chill.
Don't be thirsty.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
How's it going, man?
It's going.
Known it, why don't you say so? ♪
Didn't even notice ♪
No punches left to roll with ♪
- You got to keep me focused ♪
- Two, three, four.
- You want it, say so ♪
- Five, six, seven, yep.
Good. Okay, ladies.
Good job. Um
Why don't we all take
five and get some water.
Thank you.
She called me a clown.
I said, "If I'm a clown,
what does that make you?
"Some sort of clown supervisor?
Some part-time clown lover?"
Like, I've got a voice.
I'm gonna speak up.
I'm gonna say something.
I'll clap right back at you.
- You know?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- You'll figure that out.
- I I'll figure it out, but, you know,
she wants to eat the
clown's food, you know.
- I hear you.
- She wants to make the clown feel good.
-
- But, uh, she wants
Okay, what does that make you?
- Get a real job.
- No.
- Clown hand.
- No.
Everything all right back there?
I get hot in the car, brother.
Like, I sweat like hog meat.
Don't go through, don't
go through. Ah, f
Three, four, five,
six, sev Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Thank you, ladies.
That was the best one yet.
Let's call it a day.
Yes.
You're a fucking genius.
I know he'll be fine
I just worry about him.
-
- She was really so great for him.
-
- Yeah, you know, exes are hard.
I mean, my last relationship
was two years ago, and
it's still on my mind, I guess.
Oh, honey. Didn't she get married?
She did, yeah.
She married a guy named Christian Guy.
No, she didn't.
Did she really? Is he Christian?
He's Presbyterian, so yeah, yeah.
I'm so glad David has
someone he can trust
looking after him these days.
- Must be nice, two best friends
-
- working together like this.
-
Mm. It's a privilege and an honor.
-
- How long has Don been in that dressing room?
Uh, a couple minutes, I think.
Could you check on him, please?
You, um ? Yeah. Yeah.
- Please.
- Yes.
Don?
Oh, man.
- What happened?
- Don.
- What?
- Um
I think you might have
Did you pee yourself, Don?
Uh, yes.
I did. I I'm Yeah, I I did.
- Okay.
- You know, I've been jet-lagged and
Have you heard of Doja Cat?
Did you jizz your pants?
No, I peed, I peed, I peed. No, I peed.
- Uh, okay
- I know it.
- I peed.
- Okay, well, tidy up.
- I'll remember this
- Don't tell Carol.
Okay, Don.
We're gonna take the pants.
They're good.
I do feel marginally
bad about it, I guess,
but I feel as though if I'm
coming to these rap shoots,
I need to be, like, I guess with
you and not necessarily Mike.
Never, ever feel bad
about being the boss, bro.
I do have no idea where to go.
Yeah, me, either. This
place is dope, bro.
Lil Dicky?
- Yeah?
- Lil Dicky, hi.
- Hi.
- Hi. Uh, thanks so much for coming.
Who's this?
- This is my friend, Gata.
- I'm his manager.
Oh. Okay, great. Here's his paperwork.
- I'll be right back.
- Hey, where do we go?
- Hey
- You're a manager?
I'm a ganderer. Hey, you
got any diet restrictions?
I know you like chicken,
and I know you don't like
fruits and vegetables,
but what you want me to write down?
So, we are about to
shoot for, uh, a magazine,
and I can't specify what it
is, but I'm extremely excited.
And, um
I hope you enjoy all
the pictures and whatnot.
We're working pretty hard over here.
Uh
Yeah. Stay tuned.
They've been obsessed with
vibrational aesthetics.
Really inspired by Rothko lately.
- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Oh, shit.
- Yo!
- Oh, my God.
- What the fuck? Bro!
- Are you all right?
What's up? Yes!
- Hey. Dave. Nice to
- How you doing?
- Good.
- This is exactly what the fuck
- we needed right now.
- Okay. I don't Great.
- Let's go.
- Happy to be here.
Swae Lee. What's up, man?
What's up, bro? Yeah, he's
perfect. Ay, J, pull up.
- J Balvin
- Man, just like me on my OnlyFans, bro.
- Fuck.
- What up, my G? Yeah.
- Wow.
- You good?
What a trio this is.
- Thank you, I appreciate it.
- Triumvirate.
Bring the girls over, please.
- Yo.
- So, what is, uh, happenin', fellas?
What's going on?
Look backstage, like backstage.
- So check this out.
- Okay.
We got these eight beautiful women,
and they're all for you,
so you pick the ones,
and those are the ones we're going with.
- Going with for ?
- For the video.
Like your preference.
And just, what, select?
- Yes, sir.
- You got to choose up, man.
Right.
Just go with, like, the fatty.
The physical of the the body type.
Come on, bro.
Um, hi, guys. My name's Dave. I
- No, we we don't have time for that.
- Okay.
- What?
- You want me to manage the situation for you, bruh?
- I'm okay.
- You sure?
- I think
- He's your manager?
You want us to matchmake for you?
That would be great. Why don't you ?
'Cause I don't You
guys know the video
and the vision better than me.
And so why don't you guys tell me,
and I'll just fit
right in where I get in.
- Get in where I fit in, as well.
- Okay.
- Por supuesto.
- Right. Oh, español.
- Sí.
- Hey
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
This is getting really weird very fast.
I don't know how to handle
that type of situation.
Me and you got a different
type of weird, bro.
- What ?
- That's J Balvin.
He got all the Spanish Latinas on lock.
Spanish Latinas? Isn't that the ?
What is what is a
Lat ? What is Spanish?
Spanish from Spain, bro.
He got 'em all over the world, bro.
What do you want me to do
select them in front of them?
- It's, like, so disheartening.
- Just do your job.
Be a rapper.
- All right. I'll let them pick.
- Come on.
And then I'll see what the fuck happens.
Mm-hmm.
How has she not responded?
But she ain't really love me ♪
Y'all better leave me alone ♪
Ugh. Uh, all right,
we're gonna try this.
Baby on my hit list ♪
What is that?
It's just some pieces I pulled.
No. Hold on.
It's gonna be great. Don't worry.
It's not that I'm worried.
It's just that nothing
that I okayed yesterday is even on that.
Sweetheart, we do not have time.
Sweetheart you were three hours late.
What's going on?
This is crazy.
Why is everybody so
unprofessional right now?
Look, come on, let's do
We're gonna do it my way.
Everybody, let's go.
Let's go. Let's go.
- Come on. I don't have time.
- This bitch.
Just real quick.
Did you want this on your
feed, or on your story?
- Story's good. Yeah, thanks.
- Okay. Mm.
So we want it to feel
like an intervention.
You know, very serious,
like you have a real problem
you've been sweeping
under the rug for years.
And all this ass represents
your closest friends
and family, and they want to help you,
but you feel betrayed and cornered.
- All right.
- You know about primal therapy?
It's, like, a way to, like,
release childhood trauma
by screaming louder than a bitch.
Yeah. You know, like
Sremm! Sremm!
Y'all screaming past that ass.
- Like, you should let it out.
- Know what I'm saying?
- Like, you know?
- Yeah.
So, basically, you're gonna
just scream toward all that ass,
and all that ass is gonna just absorb
all that pent-up anger and frustration
that you've been repressing for years.
Right.
Makes sense.
Quick pitch, though,
before we move forward.
If this is really about
childhood trauma and pain,
which I dig I like that
for me personally, it would
resonate a lot more if we did,
perhaps, like, a dick joke.
A dick dick joke.
What you mean by that?
A dick joke. You know, when you
Or, instead of me being
surrounded by females
and their butts,
what if we put a bunch
of dudes up there,
and we had my head in the middle
of, like, a bunch of male asses?
Why?
'Cause it'd be really funny
if I did that, I think.
How is that funny, though?
Isn't that a little homophobic
to think that's funny?
Well, isn't this a little misogynistic,
- to have women as ornaments?
- Ornaments?
These are dancers, these are queens.
Like, this is a Black art form.
- Yeah.
- It's way different.
Don't you think it's a little bit racist
for you to come here and tell us that?
- Well, yeah, for real.
- I mean, I'm
Here. VOSS, just like you like.
- Yo, bro.
- Was that good?
Where the fuck are the horses?
Like, we still waiting on the horses.
We had to get the last
five in from Idaho on a 767,
so, just be patient.
What'd you just say?
Oh, I was just I was
just trying to explain.
Man, take your corny ass over there.
- Yeah, bro, hey.
- But I'm your assistant.
Just slide out for now.
We making art right here.
You're disrupting the process.
Just slide out. Slide out for me.
Yo, PSA!
Did Basquiat have to tell
motherfuckers 50 times?!
- Why y'all making me act like this?!
- Hell.
Is my body acne on camera?
This is the third fucking
revelation of Sremm!
We used to work at fucking Olive Garden,
- eating breadsticks
- Bussing tables.
and drinking fucking water!
- We came all the way up.
- This ain't no fucking game to us!
There should be dancers. Y'all
standing here, looking around,
- looking stupid.
- You're right.
Like we speaking Morse code,
got us waiting on horses.
The horses need to be waiting on us.
Dang. I am such a fan.
Oh, yeah. Those guys
are beyond geniuses.
Let's go!
-
- Get it together Sremm-like.
50 times platinum.
I already got a few people in mind
- I'd love for you to meet.
- Great.
I think it works great for
both of us if we get you
in front of more of
our artists. You know,
we trust each other,
we got a good rapport.
- Yeah. Thank you.
- I'm super down to help.
I think it's time for me
to branch out a little bit.
Me, too. You're a cool dude.
You know, just keep it
between us, though. Just
- Definitely.
- Yeah.
Cool.
Yeah. No.
Sunday.
Thursday.
Yeah. I have a date.
Okay, I'll talk to you later.
I love you. Bye.
-
- Oh
Where is my earring? There you are.
Okay.
Oh, uh, sir, I'm gonna order, actually.
- Indeed.
- Can I do the gumbo without the onions in it?
Ah, it's all premade
like that. I'm sorry.
It's all good. I'll just do it anyways.
All right. Any entrées for you?
I'm still deciding. Just
another minute, please.
All right, take as
much time as you need.