Dear White People (2017) s02e06 Episode Script
Chapter VI
1 [NARRATOR.]
ONE YEAR AGO: what begins as a mere curiosity over time becomes Lionel's private obsession.
Everywhere he goes, he sees clues of a hidden world.
But the allure of secret societies has always had a special hold on those without a tribe.
1924: after being rejected by the Scribes of Carthage, William Landis, founder of The Bugle, outs them in an exposé on the school's secret societies.
It was a landmark piece as well as a master class in shade.
A century later, Landis' article becomes a guide for Lionel.
Lionel's little project has become a quest to find a theory of everything, an explanation for the recent chaos gripping Winchester by uncovering the secret histories and societies that underpin it.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING.]
But is there really anything there to be uncovered? My phone in my hand [WESLEY.]
Okay, so if you solve the hard problem of consciousness, you change everything.
Reductionist thinking gets locked in the 20th-century vault where it belongs, and a whole new era of understanding our place in the universe opens up.
[CELL PHONE KEYBOARD CLICKING.]
Where'd you go? I was looking up reductionist thinking so I could have a half-worthy response.
Sorry.
Our philosophy program is as competitive as a lip-sync in a Drag Race finale.
[CELL PHONE KEYBOARD CLICKING.]
Okay, you are not looking up Drag Race.
No, looking up a GIF from A Beautiful Mind in anticipation of the day they make a sexy biopic about you solving equations.
[LAUGHS.]
OMG.
Would my character write on windows, like that's a thing? LOL, obvi.
[WESLEY.]
What about you? What are you gonna get your Nobel Prize in? Nobel Prize? Me? Humility.
They allow that at Winchester? Come on.
What is it? Not everyone's destined for greatness.
Hey, so I gotta hop into class.
Oh.
Yeah.
Cool.
TTYL.
"Meet me at ten, Silvio.
There's something you have to see, Silvio.
I know you like to sleep in when you don't have class, but this is important, Silvio.
" [LIONEL.]
Sorry, okay? Class ran late.
And Professor You don't care.
I forget.
[CHUCKLES.]
[SILVIO.]
Lionel.
[LIONEL.]
I promise it'll be worth it.
Unless NeNe Leakes is in your room with a bottle of rosé, I doubt it.
[KELSEY.]
I know how you feel, Sam.
The whole Sorbet incident ruined magazines for me, and I love magazines.
What happened here? [SAM.]
It's just a stupid prank.
Maybe someone sent you a fruit basket, but a passerby took the basket - [KELSEY.]
Uh-huh.
- and the other fruit and the cellophane.
Yeah, and then they wrote the word "bitch" on a banana in an empowering way, like, "biiitch.
" The trolls have entered the real world, all thanks to that Altlvy guy.
- Or girl.
- [SILVIO.]
Of course.
Wouldn't want to be sexist, whoever this monster is.
- Thank you, Latino Andy Cohen.
- Aww.
I'm really sorry.
Is there anything I can No, it's good.
It's just another day.
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.]
Okay.
Open them.
Uh, looks a lot like your room.
[CHUCKLES.]
I turned it into a live-work space for The New Independent! [SCOFFS.]
So you bought a whiteboard.
[LIONEL.]
And a bouquet of markers.
Starting a news outlet takes more than a bouquet of Wait, are these Expo brand? [GASPS.]
[SNIFFS.]
Ah.
I love that smell.
I know it's gross.
Shut up.
So how are we gonna get traction for this thing? You may speak now.
[LIONEL.]
Well [CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
I know that look.
What look? The "I'm 'bout to get some" look.
Well, I don't want to get ahead of myself, but there is this guy, and Is this a relationship or still just a penetrationship? More like a text each other for hours in separate rooms ship.
Honey, if you're not hooking up, it's not a thing.
Even when you are hooking up, it's usually not a thing.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Oh, hell no! She's got to go.
[SILVIO.]
Calm down.
I texted her.
What's that smell? A bouquet of markers.
No.
No, that's not it.
It smells like mediocrity.
- [YELPS.]
- Okay, ladies, calm down.
Brooke is a fantastic writer, and the pickings are slim.
Plus, I can depend on her 24-7.
She's basically a cat lady with no cats.
Even they can't handle her intensity.
Well, I would just say I was allergic, but okay.
[SNORTS.]
Fine.
Great.
Now, let's talk launch feature.
I'm working on something, but it'll take some time.
What have you been digging up, Lionel? [SIGHS.]
Secret societies.
You won't believe the connections - Pass.
- [LIONEL.]
Why? No one's done a real exposé in, like, a century.
They're just rich-boy fraternities with secret handshakes and disappointed girlfriends.
[SIGHS.]
CORE is getting Carson Rhodes to come to campus.
Maybe we do a profile Boring.
You know what's not boring? Fire.
The Davis House fire.
Who started it and why? A student.
By accident.
Who cares? There's real stuff going on here right now.
A-P is clearly going through growing pains with integration.
Football team got caught deflating balls.
Criminal.
AltlvyW.
What if we figured out who it is? You said it yourself, A-P's growing pains.
What we just saw with Sam is more than that.
And AltlvyW is enabling this.
A story about an Internet troll? Could be a fool's errand.
If we had more staff, maybe.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
Get me real pitches, bitches.
Okay, time to go eye-fuck my poli-sci professor.
I mean learn.
[CHUCKLES.]
Lionel, your story on the troll could be good.
It's actually a back door into my secret society research.
What if Altlvy isn't just some guy or girl? What if it's a real underground society? Fascinating.
Wait.
Why are you being so nice? Look.
Even though you are perpetually awash in jealousy over my many achievements, your Hancock scoop marginally impressed me.
I think there's something there.
Do you think that was a compliment? Lionel, your energy is super hostile, okay? I saw Sam's Instagram on the bananas.
This stuff hurts.
We have to do this.
Okay, but Silvio doesn't want us When people care, he'll care.
He's a story whore, among other kinds of whore.
What do you want? [LIONEL SIGHS.]
Awesome! So I have class, and then I tutor at Fitzgerald Hall.
Then Mountaineering Society, a speech to FHIP on behalf of AAURI, - and then I - Okay, I get it.
You're busy.
There it is.
Rage.
I'll be done at eight.
I'll text you.
All right.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
[SIGHS.]
[LIONEL.]
It's a good story too, but Silvio's so controlling.
And now he's brought in Brooke.
And we don't like Brooke? We don't.
Silvio's done a lot for me.
He really has.
But I think he craves the friction.
You know, he can't do his job without it.
Let's talk about something else.
Hmm.
I suddenly don't know what to say.
Well we don't have to talk.
[CELL PHONE CHIMING.]
[SIGHS.]
Do you need to go? [LIONEL SIGHS.]
Yeah.
But I don't want to.
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
- Text you? Yeah.
Sure.
[LIONEL CHUCKLES.]
You're terrifying, you know that? Yes.
Brooke, what are we even doing down here? I think that AltlvyW and whoever kidnapped Sorbet are one and the same.
Racially motivated language, intimidation tactics, vicious tone.
[LIONEL.]
Okay, it doesn't explain the basement.
[BROOKE.]
Doesn't it? All we have to do is go through every recycling bin on campus and find magazines with cut-out letters.
Then we have the subscriber's name, and boom, we got a suspect.
Brooke, this isn't some TV show, okay? What are the chances we'd find this hypothetical magazine in all this? No, you're right.
We shouldn't try because it's too hard.
[COCO.]
This a new work-study program? [LIONEL STAMMERS.]
We were Lionel mistakenly threw his mouth guard out, and I, being the friend that I am, had to help.
You know, grinding without your guard can lead to expensive implants later in life.
That wasn't suspiciously specific.
- [LIONEL GULPS.]
- [BROOKE.]
Coco, is it? Been going through a lot lately, huh? - What? No.
I - How are you and Sam doing? Things still a little tense? Ignore her crazy.
We're trying to track down the troll.
What are you doing, Lionel? Everyone's a suspect.
[COCO.]
Okay, Lionel, you need to come get Agatha Shifty over here.
Yeah, enough, Brooke.
Come on, Coco.
We're leaving.
Oh, my God.
Can we stop walking together? Sure thing.
[SIGHS.]
Ding-dong, bitch! [QUIETLY.]
Heavens to Betsy! [RASHID.]
One second! - How did you - I followed you, traitor.
Oh, God.
- May I help you? - [AL.]
Now is not the greatest time.
We'll see.
It smells like piss in here.
I have a nervous bladder.
[RASHID.]
What nonsense have you brought to our doorstep? [LIONEL.]
We're on assignment and apparently playing good cop/batshit-crazy cop.
[SNIFFS.]
What is that? Is this yours? Yes.
I enjoy the sharp and nuanced writing of Ta-Nehisi Coates.
- Is that a crime? - Not yet.
There is a bill, but hopefully it won't get past the House.
There are letters cut out that match the Sorbet ransom note.
[RASHID.]
This is my magazine, but only a psychopath would steal a dog and then write a ransom note.
Need water, Al? You're sweating.
I also have active glands.
- [SORBET WHIMPERING.]
- [AL COUGHING.]
And I have the flu.
My body's a complete disaster.
[BARKS.]
Sorbet.
Fine.
I took her.
Kelsey was just so annoying with this damn dog, so I decided to prank her, okay? But then something magical happened.
I fell in love.
You guys ever see a dog have a puppy dream? If you have and your heart didn't explode, you're just dead inside, fam.
- You have to give her back.
- [AL.]
I know.
I'm trying to find a way to do it to where I don't come off looking like an asshole.
You kidnapped a medically prescribed dog.
You are an asshole.
Right.
I just don't want to come off like one.
Why are you trolling Sam White? Where did AltlvyW come from? - Why you mad, Al? - [AL.]
Wait.
You think I'm the troll? Al is a lot of things, and most of them are terrible, but he is not an alt-right monster, probably.
[AL.]
I'm not the troll, and I can prove it.
That dude's trolling me, too.
I was Eminem for Halloween.
[BROOKE.]
Hmm.
Might not want to scroll through too far.
AirDropped us the evidence, Lionel.
We got what we need.
And don't be so sex negative, Al.
A little dick pic ain't never hurt nobody.
Ain't nothing little about it.
I noticed.
Left you my number.
[LIONEL.]
At least one mystery's solved.
[SCOFFS.]
The wrong one.
Al, you're gonna give the dog back, right? Yeah.
I have been saying this for weeks! Sometimes you just have to hear it from the right person.
Okay, Sorbet.
Gotta give you back to Kelsey.
Time to give Dada kisses.
- [BARKS.]
- Oh, wait.
[SORBET WHIMPERS AND BARKS.]
I was never here.
And I'm gonna leave now.
Let's just pretend this never happened.
I should have opened that window weeks ago.
Egad! I did a reverse image search and found Al's pictures on Pastiche's website.
It was their Halloween party.
So what? We think it's Kurt Fletcher? That's not too obvious? Could be a lead.
What? How could you? You didn't even think we'd find anything, and yet you stole a clue from me, leaving me to dig until my Adderall wore off.
Sorry.
It was just right there right after we fought about it.
I left it there.
I found it an hour earlier.
I figured you needed a little victory for your fragile self-esteem.
Oh, my God.
Just when you had me feeling sorry for you.
Why are we at each other's throats? I mean, from day one, you've been shady-ing me.
[LAUGHS.]
"Shading.
" [BROOKE SCOFFS.]
I don't know.
I I guess it could be I've just always been the only one.
I get that.
Even my superior intellect wasn't immune to crabs-in-a-barrel thinking.
Either we support each other, or we'll both end up steamed and eaten at a backyard cookout.
You're so specific.
[BROOKE.]
Mm.
And confident.
What's your secret? Oh, Lionel, it's easy.
Just be great at everything.
- Ow.
- [LAUGHS.]
Now, let's go fuck this fine-ass white boy.
[SIGHS.]
Do you mean fuck him up? Sure.
[KURT.]
I'm gonna stop you right there.
- Yes, Sam and I go at each other, - - but, like, intellectually.
- I would never resort to racist banana humor.
That genre died in the '30s and resurfaced and died again in the '70s.
Also, Pastiche is an award-winning magazine.
If you're looking for base social commentary, try Andy Borowitz.
[BROOKE.]
Never.
- [SCOFFS.]
AltlvyW just posted again.
- "Now Sam White's pulling a banana-gate sympathy grab? Kill yourself"? Hmm.
See? Couldn't be me.
We're right here.
[LIONEL.]
Posts can be scheduled.
Well, check my computer.
How did you Nothing here but an overwhelmingly graphic search history.
To some.
Filthy.
I like that.
[SCOFFS.]
I really blew it.
Yeah, I blame you as well.
Sorry.
Force of habit.
Not the story.
Although that's not going well, either.
[SIGHS.]
We need to clear our minds.
[LIONEL SIGHS.]
[SLOW-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Why are you disrobing? This little "will they or won't they" dance we have, we need to see where it takes us.
It takes us to "won't they.
" Let's see, huh? Brooke.
[LAUGHING.]
I'm gay.
Oh, that's so reductive.
Gay, straight Sexuality is a spectrum.
[TROY.]
No means no.
[REGGIE LAUGHING.]
- Paper-thin walls.
- Damn.
'Sup, Lionel? Hi, strange lady.
[BROOKE.]
Hello.
Am I interrupting something? Actually, I hope I am.
This is not what it looks like at all, unless it looks like Brooke has terrible gaydar, 'cause it is that.
I am not into her in any way, shape or form.
Like, at all.
At all.
Okay, a bitch got feelings now.
I figured you could use some food.
But this was the only thing open.
So you guys haven't had any luck? Not until now.
Well, why don't you take a page out of the Fallout 4 handbook? Kill mutants and miss the RPG elements of the previous games? - [LAUGHS.]
- I know.
It was, like, way too linear.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- Fuck y'all talking about? Um what I mean is hack that shit.
No.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I mean, you know, I could, but I won't.
Why is everybody treating me like I'm some deus ex machi-Negro? I'd go with deus ex hack-ina, but that's just me.
[SCOFFS.]
I thought with what happened to Sam Sam? [LIONEL.]
Someone left bananas on her door and wrote "bitch" on them.
In an empowering way, like, "biiitch"? [INHALES SHARPLY.]
[SIGHS.]
Fuck.
[BROOKE.]
What's happening? Designing a modified dictionary attack program.
It tests millions of passwords to identify uncommon letter combinations Enough with the nerd talk.
Make with the clickety-clack.
[INHALES SHARPLY.]
Strap in.
Might be a long night.
Stay close.
I'll text y'all when it's done.
[THUNDER BOOMING.]
[LAUGHS.]
That bad, huh? I'm, like, 0 for 20 on my personal goals for this week.
You put too much pressure on yourself.
I should know.
I was the king of that shit.
And look at what you have done.
You gave the black students a voice after the blackface party, you blew up the Hancocks' spot, and you realized you prefer the gentle but firm touch of a man.
And I blew off my date twice.
Oh, you let down Sampson? Who? Isn't that his name? I mean the mean gay dude who's all, "Get it, girl.
Put your shirt on.
Now take it off, girl.
" Silvio? That nigga.
I let him down, too.
I always thought of myself as an okay writer, but he made me an okay journalist.
And he's done wonders for your self-esteem.
You gotta let him go.
For Wilson.
Wesley.
Pretty sure it's Wilson.
His name's Wesley.
Hmm.
And what do you mean? Well, it's obvious.
You're not totally over S St The first one.
He's not who I'm doing this for.
No? All right, what would you be doing if you didn't have to do anything? Writing.
Telling stories is the only way I've ever been able to make sense of things.
And now I'm on to something, and I just can't stop thinking about it.
Wow.
I never hear you talk like this.
Keeping things close to the chest is kind of my default.
- [CELL PHONE DINGS.]
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
- [CELL PHONE DINGS.]
- [CELL PHONE DINGS.]
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
[COMPUTER BEEPS.]
Fuckety-fuck, fuck.
- I don't like the sound of that.
- [REGGIE.]
His account is locked.
But you can get past a two-step authentication, right? AltlvyW just posted "Cute, whoever tried that attack.
Looks like it's time for third party encryption.
" What does that mean? It means we ain't getting in.
[WESLEY.]
Hey.
Hey.
[CELL PHONE VIBRATES.]
- Do you need to answer that? - - [CELL PHONE BEEPS.]
- I do not.
Well, um it's getting late.
- I should - Fuck "should.
" - [HEAD THUDS.]
- Ow.
[GASPS.]
[GASPS.]
Um, a little help, please? Raise your arms.
Okay.
[SIGHS.]
Damn, Gina.
You got body.
My mom used to take me to the YMCA to learn the ancient art of, uh, karate.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay.
[LIONEL SIGHS.]
You are the only one I want beside me Oh.
Sorry.
[BOTH SIGH.]
[PANTING.]
[MOANS.]
How does that feel? You know that sand pit monster in Return of the Jedi? [WESLEY.]
Oh.
[LIONEL SIGHS.]
- Hey.
It's fine.
- I'm sorry.
I'm screwing this up, aren't I? [SIGHS.]
I bailed on you yesterday, and now I mean, I didn't want you to leave.
But I think it's cool that you had something worth leaving for.
When I'm chasing a story, I can get a bit - obsessed.
- [LAUGHS.]
That's hot.
And it's a Pulitzer.
That's what I want, one day.
Not a Nobel Prize.
I guess that'll do.
And for future reference, just treat me like that lawyer in A Few Good Men.
I can't handle the tooth.
- [GROANS.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
[BARKING.]
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
- [CHATTERING.]
- [TYPING.]
Hey.
Got anything for me? I already pitched a great story.
Two, in fact.
Exposing the alt-right underbelly is going to blow people's minds.
[CHUCKLES.]
Next you're gonna pitch me an ancient aliens conspiracy.
[TYPING.]
Who do you think you are? We're partners now.
If we disagree, we discuss.
You've had the sex, haven't you? - Excuse me? - [CHUCKLES.]
Your little new attitude is supes adorbs, but you couldn't tell a good story if it was tossing your salad.
In that very weird example, of course I wouldn't see it.
- It'd be behind me.
- Not the way I do it.
- [PUNCH LANDS.]
- [PEOPLE GROAN.]
[MAN.]
Hoo-hoo-hoo! [REGGIE.]
Get the fuck up and get the fuck out.
What's going on? Hmm.
If only there were a reporter here to find out.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
[SIGHS.]
[SILVIO.]
This party wouldn't have happened if she hadn't thrown it.
Troy's a legacy kid, student body president.
How is he a victim? A story about an Internet troll? Could be a fool's errand.
This joint's dying faster than democracy.
[LIONEL.]
Oh, my God.
Why? [CHUCKLES.]
Wake up, Lionel.
Campuses used to be bastions of free speech.
Now they're places for whiny rich kids playing "who's the most offended" and "your trigger warning violated my safe space.
" We're here to learn and face new ideas.
I have the balls to stand up for that.
And hide your face? Yeah, because this campus can't handle opposing thought.
But they feel it.
Everything I post gets more likes and reposts than anything in The Independent.
Crazier, the better.
So this is all about the likes? Okay, maybe at first.
But I've tapped into something so many people are feeling, and they're shamed into hiding it.
That's bullshit.
If Sam White gets a platform for her ideas, why shouldn't they? What happened to the First Amendment? So tell me something.
Is this just you behind Altlvy? Well, do you know the kind of people you've emboldened here? How could you do that? - You're gay.
- Yeah.
Just because I'm not white and straight doesn't mean I'm beholden to the left and their bullshit identity politics.
Sorry not sorry.
You were my mentor.
I changed my bedroom into an office for you.
[SILVIO CHUCKLES.]
So use it to write your intimate portrait of the nefarious AltlvyW and launch your little blog.
Just because I occasionally take it up the ass doesn't mean I want this school to.
Feel free to quote me.
Your analogies have always made me so uncomfortable.
["DUNK CONTEST (MAGIC BIRD)" PLAYING.]
[PANTING.]
Yeah, yeah - Low, low, low - Beam Yeah Three-sixty in the contract Never that I'll just take the contact I'll bring it back I'm running on the fast break Behind the back Yeah, this that, this that This that Penny with the Shaq If he's passing me the rock They might not get it back They never gave a hand Now they wanna give me dap I don't know where you been I got fear of God Ain't no fear of man These them Air Mineos Yeesh, need a pair of them - Ooh, boy - LA, LA, LA - Man, I feel like Magic - Magic LA, LA, LA, I can't stand the traffic West side for the vacation Yeah, West Westbrook on the isolation Yeah, so New York City gotta Keep it Mickey Mantle, uh The bubble jacket With the periwinkle camo, uh From Argentina, it's a military issue And Lord said don't mix the pit bull With the shih tzu Don't do it I just threw it off the backboard Game winner, I'm the one they ask for - Magic - Bird - Magic - Bird Ten
ONE YEAR AGO: what begins as a mere curiosity over time becomes Lionel's private obsession.
Everywhere he goes, he sees clues of a hidden world.
But the allure of secret societies has always had a special hold on those without a tribe.
1924: after being rejected by the Scribes of Carthage, William Landis, founder of The Bugle, outs them in an exposé on the school's secret societies.
It was a landmark piece as well as a master class in shade.
A century later, Landis' article becomes a guide for Lionel.
Lionel's little project has become a quest to find a theory of everything, an explanation for the recent chaos gripping Winchester by uncovering the secret histories and societies that underpin it.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING.]
But is there really anything there to be uncovered? My phone in my hand [WESLEY.]
Okay, so if you solve the hard problem of consciousness, you change everything.
Reductionist thinking gets locked in the 20th-century vault where it belongs, and a whole new era of understanding our place in the universe opens up.
[CELL PHONE KEYBOARD CLICKING.]
Where'd you go? I was looking up reductionist thinking so I could have a half-worthy response.
Sorry.
Our philosophy program is as competitive as a lip-sync in a Drag Race finale.
[CELL PHONE KEYBOARD CLICKING.]
Okay, you are not looking up Drag Race.
No, looking up a GIF from A Beautiful Mind in anticipation of the day they make a sexy biopic about you solving equations.
[LAUGHS.]
OMG.
Would my character write on windows, like that's a thing? LOL, obvi.
[WESLEY.]
What about you? What are you gonna get your Nobel Prize in? Nobel Prize? Me? Humility.
They allow that at Winchester? Come on.
What is it? Not everyone's destined for greatness.
Hey, so I gotta hop into class.
Oh.
Yeah.
Cool.
TTYL.
"Meet me at ten, Silvio.
There's something you have to see, Silvio.
I know you like to sleep in when you don't have class, but this is important, Silvio.
" [LIONEL.]
Sorry, okay? Class ran late.
And Professor You don't care.
I forget.
[CHUCKLES.]
[SILVIO.]
Lionel.
[LIONEL.]
I promise it'll be worth it.
Unless NeNe Leakes is in your room with a bottle of rosé, I doubt it.
[KELSEY.]
I know how you feel, Sam.
The whole Sorbet incident ruined magazines for me, and I love magazines.
What happened here? [SAM.]
It's just a stupid prank.
Maybe someone sent you a fruit basket, but a passerby took the basket - [KELSEY.]
Uh-huh.
- and the other fruit and the cellophane.
Yeah, and then they wrote the word "bitch" on a banana in an empowering way, like, "biiitch.
" The trolls have entered the real world, all thanks to that Altlvy guy.
- Or girl.
- [SILVIO.]
Of course.
Wouldn't want to be sexist, whoever this monster is.
- Thank you, Latino Andy Cohen.
- Aww.
I'm really sorry.
Is there anything I can No, it's good.
It's just another day.
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.]
Okay.
Open them.
Uh, looks a lot like your room.
[CHUCKLES.]
I turned it into a live-work space for The New Independent! [SCOFFS.]
So you bought a whiteboard.
[LIONEL.]
And a bouquet of markers.
Starting a news outlet takes more than a bouquet of Wait, are these Expo brand? [GASPS.]
[SNIFFS.]
Ah.
I love that smell.
I know it's gross.
Shut up.
So how are we gonna get traction for this thing? You may speak now.
[LIONEL.]
Well [CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
I know that look.
What look? The "I'm 'bout to get some" look.
Well, I don't want to get ahead of myself, but there is this guy, and Is this a relationship or still just a penetrationship? More like a text each other for hours in separate rooms ship.
Honey, if you're not hooking up, it's not a thing.
Even when you are hooking up, it's usually not a thing.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Oh, hell no! She's got to go.
[SILVIO.]
Calm down.
I texted her.
What's that smell? A bouquet of markers.
No.
No, that's not it.
It smells like mediocrity.
- [YELPS.]
- Okay, ladies, calm down.
Brooke is a fantastic writer, and the pickings are slim.
Plus, I can depend on her 24-7.
She's basically a cat lady with no cats.
Even they can't handle her intensity.
Well, I would just say I was allergic, but okay.
[SNORTS.]
Fine.
Great.
Now, let's talk launch feature.
I'm working on something, but it'll take some time.
What have you been digging up, Lionel? [SIGHS.]
Secret societies.
You won't believe the connections - Pass.
- [LIONEL.]
Why? No one's done a real exposé in, like, a century.
They're just rich-boy fraternities with secret handshakes and disappointed girlfriends.
[SIGHS.]
CORE is getting Carson Rhodes to come to campus.
Maybe we do a profile Boring.
You know what's not boring? Fire.
The Davis House fire.
Who started it and why? A student.
By accident.
Who cares? There's real stuff going on here right now.
A-P is clearly going through growing pains with integration.
Football team got caught deflating balls.
Criminal.
AltlvyW.
What if we figured out who it is? You said it yourself, A-P's growing pains.
What we just saw with Sam is more than that.
And AltlvyW is enabling this.
A story about an Internet troll? Could be a fool's errand.
If we had more staff, maybe.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
Get me real pitches, bitches.
Okay, time to go eye-fuck my poli-sci professor.
I mean learn.
[CHUCKLES.]
Lionel, your story on the troll could be good.
It's actually a back door into my secret society research.
What if Altlvy isn't just some guy or girl? What if it's a real underground society? Fascinating.
Wait.
Why are you being so nice? Look.
Even though you are perpetually awash in jealousy over my many achievements, your Hancock scoop marginally impressed me.
I think there's something there.
Do you think that was a compliment? Lionel, your energy is super hostile, okay? I saw Sam's Instagram on the bananas.
This stuff hurts.
We have to do this.
Okay, but Silvio doesn't want us When people care, he'll care.
He's a story whore, among other kinds of whore.
What do you want? [LIONEL SIGHS.]
Awesome! So I have class, and then I tutor at Fitzgerald Hall.
Then Mountaineering Society, a speech to FHIP on behalf of AAURI, - and then I - Okay, I get it.
You're busy.
There it is.
Rage.
I'll be done at eight.
I'll text you.
All right.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
[SIGHS.]
[LIONEL.]
It's a good story too, but Silvio's so controlling.
And now he's brought in Brooke.
And we don't like Brooke? We don't.
Silvio's done a lot for me.
He really has.
But I think he craves the friction.
You know, he can't do his job without it.
Let's talk about something else.
Hmm.
I suddenly don't know what to say.
Well we don't have to talk.
[CELL PHONE CHIMING.]
[SIGHS.]
Do you need to go? [LIONEL SIGHS.]
Yeah.
But I don't want to.
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
- Text you? Yeah.
Sure.
[LIONEL CHUCKLES.]
You're terrifying, you know that? Yes.
Brooke, what are we even doing down here? I think that AltlvyW and whoever kidnapped Sorbet are one and the same.
Racially motivated language, intimidation tactics, vicious tone.
[LIONEL.]
Okay, it doesn't explain the basement.
[BROOKE.]
Doesn't it? All we have to do is go through every recycling bin on campus and find magazines with cut-out letters.
Then we have the subscriber's name, and boom, we got a suspect.
Brooke, this isn't some TV show, okay? What are the chances we'd find this hypothetical magazine in all this? No, you're right.
We shouldn't try because it's too hard.
[COCO.]
This a new work-study program? [LIONEL STAMMERS.]
We were Lionel mistakenly threw his mouth guard out, and I, being the friend that I am, had to help.
You know, grinding without your guard can lead to expensive implants later in life.
That wasn't suspiciously specific.
- [LIONEL GULPS.]
- [BROOKE.]
Coco, is it? Been going through a lot lately, huh? - What? No.
I - How are you and Sam doing? Things still a little tense? Ignore her crazy.
We're trying to track down the troll.
What are you doing, Lionel? Everyone's a suspect.
[COCO.]
Okay, Lionel, you need to come get Agatha Shifty over here.
Yeah, enough, Brooke.
Come on, Coco.
We're leaving.
Oh, my God.
Can we stop walking together? Sure thing.
[SIGHS.]
Ding-dong, bitch! [QUIETLY.]
Heavens to Betsy! [RASHID.]
One second! - How did you - I followed you, traitor.
Oh, God.
- May I help you? - [AL.]
Now is not the greatest time.
We'll see.
It smells like piss in here.
I have a nervous bladder.
[RASHID.]
What nonsense have you brought to our doorstep? [LIONEL.]
We're on assignment and apparently playing good cop/batshit-crazy cop.
[SNIFFS.]
What is that? Is this yours? Yes.
I enjoy the sharp and nuanced writing of Ta-Nehisi Coates.
- Is that a crime? - Not yet.
There is a bill, but hopefully it won't get past the House.
There are letters cut out that match the Sorbet ransom note.
[RASHID.]
This is my magazine, but only a psychopath would steal a dog and then write a ransom note.
Need water, Al? You're sweating.
I also have active glands.
- [SORBET WHIMPERING.]
- [AL COUGHING.]
And I have the flu.
My body's a complete disaster.
[BARKS.]
Sorbet.
Fine.
I took her.
Kelsey was just so annoying with this damn dog, so I decided to prank her, okay? But then something magical happened.
I fell in love.
You guys ever see a dog have a puppy dream? If you have and your heart didn't explode, you're just dead inside, fam.
- You have to give her back.
- [AL.]
I know.
I'm trying to find a way to do it to where I don't come off looking like an asshole.
You kidnapped a medically prescribed dog.
You are an asshole.
Right.
I just don't want to come off like one.
Why are you trolling Sam White? Where did AltlvyW come from? - Why you mad, Al? - [AL.]
Wait.
You think I'm the troll? Al is a lot of things, and most of them are terrible, but he is not an alt-right monster, probably.
[AL.]
I'm not the troll, and I can prove it.
That dude's trolling me, too.
I was Eminem for Halloween.
[BROOKE.]
Hmm.
Might not want to scroll through too far.
AirDropped us the evidence, Lionel.
We got what we need.
And don't be so sex negative, Al.
A little dick pic ain't never hurt nobody.
Ain't nothing little about it.
I noticed.
Left you my number.
[LIONEL.]
At least one mystery's solved.
[SCOFFS.]
The wrong one.
Al, you're gonna give the dog back, right? Yeah.
I have been saying this for weeks! Sometimes you just have to hear it from the right person.
Okay, Sorbet.
Gotta give you back to Kelsey.
Time to give Dada kisses.
- [BARKS.]
- Oh, wait.
[SORBET WHIMPERS AND BARKS.]
I was never here.
And I'm gonna leave now.
Let's just pretend this never happened.
I should have opened that window weeks ago.
Egad! I did a reverse image search and found Al's pictures on Pastiche's website.
It was their Halloween party.
So what? We think it's Kurt Fletcher? That's not too obvious? Could be a lead.
What? How could you? You didn't even think we'd find anything, and yet you stole a clue from me, leaving me to dig until my Adderall wore off.
Sorry.
It was just right there right after we fought about it.
I left it there.
I found it an hour earlier.
I figured you needed a little victory for your fragile self-esteem.
Oh, my God.
Just when you had me feeling sorry for you.
Why are we at each other's throats? I mean, from day one, you've been shady-ing me.
[LAUGHS.]
"Shading.
" [BROOKE SCOFFS.]
I don't know.
I I guess it could be I've just always been the only one.
I get that.
Even my superior intellect wasn't immune to crabs-in-a-barrel thinking.
Either we support each other, or we'll both end up steamed and eaten at a backyard cookout.
You're so specific.
[BROOKE.]
Mm.
And confident.
What's your secret? Oh, Lionel, it's easy.
Just be great at everything.
- Ow.
- [LAUGHS.]
Now, let's go fuck this fine-ass white boy.
[SIGHS.]
Do you mean fuck him up? Sure.
[KURT.]
I'm gonna stop you right there.
- Yes, Sam and I go at each other, - - but, like, intellectually.
- I would never resort to racist banana humor.
That genre died in the '30s and resurfaced and died again in the '70s.
Also, Pastiche is an award-winning magazine.
If you're looking for base social commentary, try Andy Borowitz.
[BROOKE.]
Never.
- [SCOFFS.]
AltlvyW just posted again.
- "Now Sam White's pulling a banana-gate sympathy grab? Kill yourself"? Hmm.
See? Couldn't be me.
We're right here.
[LIONEL.]
Posts can be scheduled.
Well, check my computer.
How did you Nothing here but an overwhelmingly graphic search history.
To some.
Filthy.
I like that.
[SCOFFS.]
I really blew it.
Yeah, I blame you as well.
Sorry.
Force of habit.
Not the story.
Although that's not going well, either.
[SIGHS.]
We need to clear our minds.
[LIONEL SIGHS.]
[SLOW-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Why are you disrobing? This little "will they or won't they" dance we have, we need to see where it takes us.
It takes us to "won't they.
" Let's see, huh? Brooke.
[LAUGHING.]
I'm gay.
Oh, that's so reductive.
Gay, straight Sexuality is a spectrum.
[TROY.]
No means no.
[REGGIE LAUGHING.]
- Paper-thin walls.
- Damn.
'Sup, Lionel? Hi, strange lady.
[BROOKE.]
Hello.
Am I interrupting something? Actually, I hope I am.
This is not what it looks like at all, unless it looks like Brooke has terrible gaydar, 'cause it is that.
I am not into her in any way, shape or form.
Like, at all.
At all.
Okay, a bitch got feelings now.
I figured you could use some food.
But this was the only thing open.
So you guys haven't had any luck? Not until now.
Well, why don't you take a page out of the Fallout 4 handbook? Kill mutants and miss the RPG elements of the previous games? - [LAUGHS.]
- I know.
It was, like, way too linear.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- Fuck y'all talking about? Um what I mean is hack that shit.
No.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I mean, you know, I could, but I won't.
Why is everybody treating me like I'm some deus ex machi-Negro? I'd go with deus ex hack-ina, but that's just me.
[SCOFFS.]
I thought with what happened to Sam Sam? [LIONEL.]
Someone left bananas on her door and wrote "bitch" on them.
In an empowering way, like, "biiitch"? [INHALES SHARPLY.]
[SIGHS.]
Fuck.
[BROOKE.]
What's happening? Designing a modified dictionary attack program.
It tests millions of passwords to identify uncommon letter combinations Enough with the nerd talk.
Make with the clickety-clack.
[INHALES SHARPLY.]
Strap in.
Might be a long night.
Stay close.
I'll text y'all when it's done.
[THUNDER BOOMING.]
[LAUGHS.]
That bad, huh? I'm, like, 0 for 20 on my personal goals for this week.
You put too much pressure on yourself.
I should know.
I was the king of that shit.
And look at what you have done.
You gave the black students a voice after the blackface party, you blew up the Hancocks' spot, and you realized you prefer the gentle but firm touch of a man.
And I blew off my date twice.
Oh, you let down Sampson? Who? Isn't that his name? I mean the mean gay dude who's all, "Get it, girl.
Put your shirt on.
Now take it off, girl.
" Silvio? That nigga.
I let him down, too.
I always thought of myself as an okay writer, but he made me an okay journalist.
And he's done wonders for your self-esteem.
You gotta let him go.
For Wilson.
Wesley.
Pretty sure it's Wilson.
His name's Wesley.
Hmm.
And what do you mean? Well, it's obvious.
You're not totally over S St The first one.
He's not who I'm doing this for.
No? All right, what would you be doing if you didn't have to do anything? Writing.
Telling stories is the only way I've ever been able to make sense of things.
And now I'm on to something, and I just can't stop thinking about it.
Wow.
I never hear you talk like this.
Keeping things close to the chest is kind of my default.
- [CELL PHONE DINGS.]
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
- [CELL PHONE DINGS.]
- [CELL PHONE DINGS.]
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
[COMPUTER BEEPS.]
Fuckety-fuck, fuck.
- I don't like the sound of that.
- [REGGIE.]
His account is locked.
But you can get past a two-step authentication, right? AltlvyW just posted "Cute, whoever tried that attack.
Looks like it's time for third party encryption.
" What does that mean? It means we ain't getting in.
[WESLEY.]
Hey.
Hey.
[CELL PHONE VIBRATES.]
- Do you need to answer that? - - [CELL PHONE BEEPS.]
- I do not.
Well, um it's getting late.
- I should - Fuck "should.
" - [HEAD THUDS.]
- Ow.
[GASPS.]
[GASPS.]
Um, a little help, please? Raise your arms.
Okay.
[SIGHS.]
Damn, Gina.
You got body.
My mom used to take me to the YMCA to learn the ancient art of, uh, karate.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay.
[LIONEL SIGHS.]
You are the only one I want beside me Oh.
Sorry.
[BOTH SIGH.]
[PANTING.]
[MOANS.]
How does that feel? You know that sand pit monster in Return of the Jedi? [WESLEY.]
Oh.
[LIONEL SIGHS.]
- Hey.
It's fine.
- I'm sorry.
I'm screwing this up, aren't I? [SIGHS.]
I bailed on you yesterday, and now I mean, I didn't want you to leave.
But I think it's cool that you had something worth leaving for.
When I'm chasing a story, I can get a bit - obsessed.
- [LAUGHS.]
That's hot.
And it's a Pulitzer.
That's what I want, one day.
Not a Nobel Prize.
I guess that'll do.
And for future reference, just treat me like that lawyer in A Few Good Men.
I can't handle the tooth.
- [GROANS.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
[BARKING.]
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
- [CHATTERING.]
- [TYPING.]
Hey.
Got anything for me? I already pitched a great story.
Two, in fact.
Exposing the alt-right underbelly is going to blow people's minds.
[CHUCKLES.]
Next you're gonna pitch me an ancient aliens conspiracy.
[TYPING.]
Who do you think you are? We're partners now.
If we disagree, we discuss.
You've had the sex, haven't you? - Excuse me? - [CHUCKLES.]
Your little new attitude is supes adorbs, but you couldn't tell a good story if it was tossing your salad.
In that very weird example, of course I wouldn't see it.
- It'd be behind me.
- Not the way I do it.
- [PUNCH LANDS.]
- [PEOPLE GROAN.]
[MAN.]
Hoo-hoo-hoo! [REGGIE.]
Get the fuck up and get the fuck out.
What's going on? Hmm.
If only there were a reporter here to find out.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
[SIGHS.]
[SILVIO.]
This party wouldn't have happened if she hadn't thrown it.
Troy's a legacy kid, student body president.
How is he a victim? A story about an Internet troll? Could be a fool's errand.
This joint's dying faster than democracy.
[LIONEL.]
Oh, my God.
Why? [CHUCKLES.]
Wake up, Lionel.
Campuses used to be bastions of free speech.
Now they're places for whiny rich kids playing "who's the most offended" and "your trigger warning violated my safe space.
" We're here to learn and face new ideas.
I have the balls to stand up for that.
And hide your face? Yeah, because this campus can't handle opposing thought.
But they feel it.
Everything I post gets more likes and reposts than anything in The Independent.
Crazier, the better.
So this is all about the likes? Okay, maybe at first.
But I've tapped into something so many people are feeling, and they're shamed into hiding it.
That's bullshit.
If Sam White gets a platform for her ideas, why shouldn't they? What happened to the First Amendment? So tell me something.
Is this just you behind Altlvy? Well, do you know the kind of people you've emboldened here? How could you do that? - You're gay.
- Yeah.
Just because I'm not white and straight doesn't mean I'm beholden to the left and their bullshit identity politics.
Sorry not sorry.
You were my mentor.
I changed my bedroom into an office for you.
[SILVIO CHUCKLES.]
So use it to write your intimate portrait of the nefarious AltlvyW and launch your little blog.
Just because I occasionally take it up the ass doesn't mean I want this school to.
Feel free to quote me.
Your analogies have always made me so uncomfortable.
["DUNK CONTEST (MAGIC BIRD)" PLAYING.]
[PANTING.]
Yeah, yeah - Low, low, low - Beam Yeah Three-sixty in the contract Never that I'll just take the contact I'll bring it back I'm running on the fast break Behind the back Yeah, this that, this that This that Penny with the Shaq If he's passing me the rock They might not get it back They never gave a hand Now they wanna give me dap I don't know where you been I got fear of God Ain't no fear of man These them Air Mineos Yeesh, need a pair of them - Ooh, boy - LA, LA, LA - Man, I feel like Magic - Magic LA, LA, LA, I can't stand the traffic West side for the vacation Yeah, West Westbrook on the isolation Yeah, so New York City gotta Keep it Mickey Mantle, uh The bubble jacket With the periwinkle camo, uh From Argentina, it's a military issue And Lord said don't mix the pit bull With the shih tzu Don't do it I just threw it off the backboard Game winner, I'm the one they ask for - Magic - Bird - Magic - Bird Ten