Derek s02e06 Episode Script

There's a bike here, Derek.
It's in good nick.
You can ride it home, mate.
I can't.
Why not? I can't ride a bike.
What do you mean, you can't ride a bike? I never learned when I was little.
No-one taught me.
Well, I'll teach you.
Will ya? Yeah, course I will.
Sit on it.
Feet on the pedals.
Pure trust.
Well, get up, then.
Get up? Yeah, always get up, mate.
Always get up.
Always get up.
First rule.
First rule.
Always get up.
Always get up.
Feet on the pedals.
But this time Done it again.
I was going to say push down on the Doesn't matter, we can do it next time, so, get up.
Get up.
Yeah, always get up, mate, remember? Yeah.
That's it.
There we go.
Back on again.
Yeah.
It's going to be a long day.
I never had a dad when I was little, so no-one taught me to ride a bike.
My mum didn't want me to learn cos she didn't want me to fall off.
She had a point.
That's the difference between mums and dads.
Mums never want you to fall off.
Dads want you to fall off straightaway so you know what it feels like, and if you get hurt, you won't fall off again.
Sorry I wasn't there to teach you, Derek.
That's all right.
It wouldn't have made a difference.
I can't ride it now so I couldn't have rided it then.
I'm useless.
Ah, that's the last thing you are, boy.
You're going to be riding it in no time at all.
Will you still be alive to see me riding it? Well, if you hurry up, I might.
If not, you can ride it to the funeral.
You can do your own tweets.
Is that for me? Yes, it's a present, and Vicky has got it all set up and running.
Look.
What's that? Is that one of them what you ask it questions? Yes.
What would win out of a gorilla and an orang-utan? Here's a recipe What? .
.
for grilled meringues.
Look, I got me own phone.
I know.
It's brilliant, innit? Yeah.
I've got another surprise for you.
What? You've got a date.
What, off the website? Yeah.
I can't really go, though, can I, cos I'm Is she a nice little filly? Yeah, she looks lovely, Derek.
Go on, son, get stuck in.
Stuck in.
What if she thinks I'm awful, like, I'm pathetic or summat? She chose you, Derek! Shall I book a restaurant? Yeah? Yeah.
Yeah? Yeah.
Excellent.
Going on a date.
That's right.
You just got to relax and be yourself, Derek.
Yeah.
They're helping me work out what things to say on the date cos I ain't never been on one before, I don't know what to say.
What shall I say? Well, ask her what she likes.
What, what? Just say, "What things do you like?" Yeah.
Yeah, what things do you like? I know what she likes.
Sh! Er, ask her what she does and where she's from.
What d'you do? Where you from? Yeah, and, you know, things she wants to talk about.
What d'you want to talk about? Yeah.
Is she up for it? Oh, shut up.
I won't shut This is bollocks.
Put your pen and pad down, mate.
Simple.
Easy.
Number one - stop gurning like a goldfish All that business.
Number two - stop combing your hair forward like an old monk.
And number three - stop doing that like like pincers, like a lobster or a crab.
What would win out of a lobster and a crab? And that's got to stop also.
All the, "What would win? What would win?" I don't want questions, I want answers.
What would win out of answers and questions? Fuckin' hell! Can't believe you're going on a date when your dad's ill.
Should I not go? Of course you should go, Derek.
Geoff, could you do me a favour? Yeah.
Shut the fuck up.
Sorry.
Careful.
Aw, 50-year-old man gets a date.
Wow! Call the paparazzi.
Stop the press, you know? Why is he getting all the attention? Come on, Derek, we gotta go! It's nearly time to go! You gotta get ready for your date! He's doing really well.
Trust me, that was him doing well.
Come on! He's so excited.
Is he? I just wish I could come and see what they're talking about.
I know, she seemed really lovely.
Yeah, she looked nice.
Here he is.
Oh, look at him! Wow! You look gorgeous, Derek.
Thank you.
Look, real shoes, real trousers.
You look so smart.
Here you are, Derek.
I got you a drink.
Thank you, thank you.
Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.
She's a lucky girl, ain't she? Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, my god! What the fuck?! Oh! What did you do that for?! Prat! Let me check it.
You can see he's dressed up.
You're a bully, mate.
Yeah? What are you? Yeah, what are you gonna do about it, mate? - Fuck off! - What the fuck?! What did you? What are you doing? Derek! Let go, Derek.
You're gonna get in trouble! Is Kev all right? Yes, he's fine! Sorry.
He's fine.
Kev, are you OK? Are you all right? Are you OK, Kev? - You've hurt yourself.
- My drink.
Don't worry about your drink.
Are you OK, Derek? Yeah.
Geoff didn't wasn't hurt, was he? Don't worry about Geoff.
You all right, Kev? Yeah.
Cheers, Kev.
Stupid prick.
Shall I still go on the date? Of course you've got to go on the date.
See you later, Kev.
Good luck, mate.
See ya, cheers.
Have fun, Derek, yeah? Yeah.
Come on.
You'll be great, mate.
Thank you.
You don't need to run, Derek.
Geoff.
Sorry.
No I'm sorry.
It was my fault.
I was a total idiot, Derek.
Don't worry.
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
Have a good time, yeah? Thank you.
Enjoy yourself.
Right, well, that's another job I'll have to leave, then.
No, you haven't got to leave.
Look, can I give you a bit of advice, Geoff? Yeah.
Do you think that you could try and not be an arsehole all of the time? Yeah.
Yeah? OK, yeah.
Yeah? You'll be all right, then.
Thanks.
See ya later.
Is that it? Yeah.
Looks nice.
Yeah.
Good evening, sir.
Sir.
Do you have a reservation? I've got a date.
Right, wha what's your name? Derek.
Derek who? Derek Noakes.
Er Oh, yes, yep.
Your Your guest's already at the table.
What are they? Er, mints.
Are they free? Yes.
Can I have one, please? Er they're normally for after the meal.
Can I have one now? Er yep.
Thank you.
There's free mints up there.
I'm Derek.
I'm Tracey.
Hello.
Waiter.
Drink to start? Eh A diet Coke, please.
I's diet Coke.
Two diet Cokes, no problem.
Two straws.
Sure.
The menu, there for you.
Thank you.
What you doing?! Have you got the list? No! I left it back at the home, then.
Have you just left her sitting there? I need the list.
You don't need the list, Derek.
You just have to talk about yourself.
And her.
Thank you.
I forgot the list.
Of questions what to ask.
Do you want to borrow mine? Yes, please.
Oh, yeah.
What things do you like? Oh, I don't know.
I only made a list of questions, not answers.
Ask me them, then.
What things do you like? Susan Boyle, cats, Hannah, old people, Robbie Williams, Britain's Got Talent, Miranda, monkeys, piglets, Mrs Brown Boys.
Brilliant.
I like burping.
I likes burping.
That sounded like a camel.
Can you burp? Eh, pardon? Can you burp? Er, no.
Thank you.
We likes burping, don't we? You have chosen your food? No.
What's gran wee? Eh, cuisses de grenouille.
Yeah.
It's a starter.
It's, um, er, frog's legs.
What? Frog's legs.
The legs of a frog.
The legs off a what, a real frog? Sure.
About seven or eight in the portion.
What about the frogs what legs you took off? Are they disabled now? No, no the frog is dead.
Obviously.
We only eat the leg.
It's a delicacy.
Tastes a little bit like chicken.
Have you got any chicken? The poulet.
Yeah.
That is the chicken.
So, why, why you eating frogs before the chicken's run out? No, it's two different dishes.
What's that one? L'escargott.
L'escargot is, er, snails.
What? Snails.
Snails? Garlic, herb butter on Sure, snails.
It's a What? Real snails? Mm-hm.
Cooked, of course.
Of course.
Could you eat a slug? No.
But you eats a snail and a frog.
You can probably best just go for the chicken.
I'll have the chicken, please.
Sure.
I'll have chicken.
OK.
Does anyone want a cup of tea? No, thanks.
Sheila? D'you want a cup of tea, Sheila? Yes, please.
Yeah? How d'ya? How d'ya have it? Milk and one sugar.
Milk and one.
Right.
D'you want one, Vicky? Yeah, go on, then.
I'll have the same as Sheila.
Yeah? Right.
Two milk and one.
OK.
Give you a hand? Yeah.
Yeah, go on, then.
Be good.
Don't worry about it.
I used to be a dickhead.
OK.
Come on.
Don't want to leave Sheila waiting.
Yeah.
Make sure you make it strong, though.
She likes it strong.
Right.
Ah.
Madam Monsieur Deux coq au vin.
What? Coq au vin.
Mainly chicken, though, innit? Yes.
Bon appetit.
I'm going to just leave that bit.
Just in case? Is that a good idea? I liked that.
It was tasty, wasn't it? Lovely.
Have you ever triple-spudded? What's that? Well, I once I had mashed potato, roast potato and some chips.
Triple-spudding.
You're finished? Thank you.
You're welcome.
That was brilliant.
Thanks.
What's your favourite animal? Horse.
I likes horses.
Do you like the little ones, like that? You mean dogs? No.
No, just those tiny Those little miniature horses you can get.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
You're funny.
You looks like your picture.
So do you.
Yeah.
Have you been on a horse? No.
I fed a horse.
D'you know why you've got to do it like that? So that, um, it does that and it doesn't bite your fingers.
Like that.
Did you feel its tongue? No, just its lips.
Do horses got tongues? Do they lick things, horses? Think so.
Dogs do.
Dogs licks things.
That's why you're not allowed to kiss dogs, because it's been licking things.
Right, and a cat's tongue, it heals you cos it's got a rough tongue.
You know a dog's nose is wet but a cat's nose is dry? Hello? Dessert for you? Thank you.
Did anyone eat frogs here tonight? Nobody ordered the frog tonight.
I licked a toad once.
It was horrible.
Yeah.
He's doing really well.
It looks like he's having a nice time.
I'm sure he'll tell me all about it.
OK.
All right, well, I'll see you later.
Yeah, me too.
OK, bye.
Mm, I like that.
I like the crunchy bits.
Yeah.
Creme brulee.
Thank you.
Brilliant.
Have you seen, erm dormouse snoring on YouTube? It's the best thing what I've ever seen.
It's as good as baby monkey riding backwards on a pig or hamster on a piano eating popcorn, or even shopping penguin.
It's a magic towel.
Yeah, fine, great.
You'll love it.
You look it up.
Voila.
Thank you.
Oh, sorry, no! That's the towels.
They looks just like the mints.
Thank you.
Just, er French food is funny, innit? That's my friend Hannah.
Oh, that's me dad.
Bye, then.
Bye.
Did you have a good time? Yeah.
It was brilliant.
Did you? Yeah.
Have you ever heard of creme brulee? I've heard of it.
It's French.
Oh, right, is it nice? It's like a pudding Nice! .
.
but with a crusty bit on top Ah.
.
.
what's burnt, but it's like toffee.
Dad.
Hello.
Hello.
I've just been on my date.
Jesus! You're back early.
Yeah.
I said I had to get back, to see you.
I couldn't stay that long with her.
So I said goodbye to her and come down.
Always choose the girl, boy.
Do you want a whisky? No, thanks.
Do you mind if I have one? I loves being alive.
It's my favouritest thing.
I loves every day.
I don't want it to end.
But I looks forward to the next day starting.
I even like sleeping, cos I likes dreaming.
Cos, um, my dreams are just as good as my real life.
They're sort of the same, really.
I basically dreams about what's happened that day, except I can fly sometimes, and animals talks to me.
Animals what I've helped.
Cos they can't say thank you in real life but they says thank you in my dreams.
Cos I think that's what they would say if they could.
I sometime knows I'm dreaming, d'you know what I mean? I do that.
I knows I'm dreaming and I says, "Oh, I gotta wake up now.
Bye.
" And my mum says, "Bye, Derek, see you tomorrow night.
Have a nice day.
" So I do.
Derek? He's dead.
Oh, darling.
It's all right.
I'm happy .
.
cos he was happy.
Cos I knew I had a dad and he had a son.
He loved me.
He said so.
He told me.
He was smiling and then he just fell asleep and he was dead, smiling.
So that's why I'm smiling.
Perfect ending.
So, is he in heaven now? What do you think? I don't know if there is a heaven.
I'm suspicious.
But if heaven is for people what did good, then he would be in heaven.
Definitely.
Good.
I'm going to go and sort things out now.
I'll be back soon, OK? Yeah.
Yeah.
OK.
Thank you.
Is my dad in heaven? 'I'm sorry, I don't know where that is.
' I see people out of life, you know? Somebody sees you in - like a midwife - and I see people out.
I make sure that they can go at peace with everything in order.
I've been with a lot of people as they die.
It's been a privilege.
I'm not scared of it.
When he wasn't around, I just told myself he didn't love me.
And that was fine cos I thought maybe he was happy.
And then when I met him, I was happy but then I was sad cos I found out he had been missing me.
I didn't want him to feel bad.
But then we made it all OK.
That's the amazing thing about life, you can just start again.
Just rub it out, like a blackboard, start again.
You know, I nearly didn't, I nearly didn't, but just in those last few months what I've known him, we made a whole life, OK? It's what you do from now.
So, if you has an argument with someone, just say sorry.
If you haven't spoken to someone for a long time, call 'em up now.
If you haven't spoken to your mum, call her up.
It's never too late, until it is.
Kev! Go on, boy!