Dice (2016) s02e06 Episode Script
Fingerless
1 [BELL TOLLING.]
Are you coming back? I don't think so.
Some men kneel - [ENGINE STARTS.]
- Some men chose sides [TIRES SQUEAL.]
The train is roll Oh! [AUDIENCE CHANTING.]
Dice, Dice, Dice, Dice, Dice, Dice! Top of the world, Ma.
[IMPLOSION.]
ANDREW: Martin Scorsese called me.
This man did "Taxi Driver," "Raging Bull," uh, "The Terminator," "Avatar.
" Whoa, hold on.
He didn't do "Avatar.
" Doesn't matter.
He directs everything.
He's not directing your thing.
He's just producing it.
Yes.
And he's got me this director, this German guy, that's supposed to be, like, really intense.
I have not seen you this energized in a very long time.
'Cause I get it.
The universe got me out of my contract at the Tangiers.
The universe got me out of fucking Monroe, that Broadway piece of shit.
The universe never wanted me to host the Oscars.
No.
The universe wants me to win an Oscar.
Well, at least you're not getting ahead of yourself.
Exactly.
All right, Shake, watch how I do now, right? [LIGHTER CLICKS.]
That's the move.
Yeah, I'm Blackjack's guy.
I'm his dog.
Loyal to the end.
And you're lucky you're only hearing me bark because last thing you need over here is to feel my bite.
That was good.
- No.
- What's a matter? I'm playing this character Root Beer, right? But I feel like I should be the lead, like I should be Blackjack.
Yeah, tell me about it.
It was written for you.
It feels like that, right? No, I mean, it was.
I should know.
All right, forget about it.
Do your line.
Listen, Maldonado.
Root Beer's been with me through thick and thin.
He's my mutt, my loyal mutt.
- You understand? - Wait a minute.
- Wait a minute.
- What? What the fuck are you doing? You you aren't even looking at the script.
- So? - So, I gave you the fucking thing like five minutes ago and you already got it memorized? - What the fuck? - Yeah, but it helps when you wrote it.
What are you talking about, you wrote it? Dude, this is my script.
Look at the cover page.
Look at the title.
"The Man With The Fingerless Glove.
" Yeah, I've been telling you about this script for months.
- Look at it.
Ron Gomez.
- Yeah.
- You wrote this whole thing? - Yeah, believe it or not.
- The whole fucking thing? - Yes.
A fucking Scorsese movie.
Do you believe All right.
All right, let me do this.
Listen, Blackjack, we all go through life playing the hands we're dealt.
I'm two high pair.
Maybe even aces up.
The problem is, you got three deuces.
I'm proud of you.
This is beautiful.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- I only got one question.
Who's playing Blackjack? Andrew Dice Clay in the house! Michael Imperioli.
What's up, brother? - How are you doing? - It's been a long time.
Been a long time.
You good? You shooting today? No, I'm just here to try on some costumes.
Listen, uh, if you need some help with the character, just talk to me.
Why would I talk to you? Well, Blackjack is based on me.
I discussed this at length with Ron.
Blackjack is an amalgamation of three different people from my childhood.
My neighbor, my scout master, and my uncle.
Ron is my best friend, and the character was completely based off of me.
He didn't say a word about you.
Well, it's easy to figure out.
You're wearing the fingerless gloves, aren't you? A lot of people wear fingerless gloves.
Cyclists, weight lifters, perverts.
- My uncle.
- Your uncle? He was a paraplegic.
He used them for his wheelchair.
I'm doing this in tribute to him.
You know what's so funny about you? - What? - This this Maybe this is why we haven't seen each other.
- What the fuck are you talking about? - What about "The Sopranos?" When Tony would, like, tell you, because you had, like, a drug problem, and he'd go, "You got to do not the drugs no more," and you were like, "Yeah, no problem, Tony.
I love you.
" - Right.
- The minute he walks out, what are you doing? Sticking needles in your arm.
Your chick wanted to fucking leave you.
That was a character, yeah.
What about when the other one you did, with Pesci, and you got him all mad that he winds up shooting you? That was another screenplay.
No, but he wouldn't have done it if you didn't get him so fucking mad.
I did it because it was in the script.
- No, I know, but - Okay, let's leave it at that, please.
It's gonna be great.
I'm happy to be here.
- Yeah, all right.
- God bless.
Yeah, I'll see you on the set.
Shake.
Look at this.
Beautiful, right? - Sharp.
- Yeah, yeah, um - This is me all classed out.
- Yeah.
Oh, here comes the director.
This is Gunther Osterland.
Hey, dawg, nice to meet you.
Ooh.
[SPEAKING GERMAN.]
What? - [LAUGHS.]
- Oh.
[SPEAKING GERMAN.]
[SHOUTING IN GERMAN.]
What? [SHOUTING IN GERMAN.]
W-W-W-What happened now? Gunther says hello.
- That was hello? - Yeah.
- What, you calling me a liar? - No, it's just I don't know.
Yeah, hi.
[SPEAKING GERMAN.]
Yeah.
Got it.
So, he thinks that this look really isn't right for you, 'cause the character Root Beer is a sidekick who wouldn't be wearing such a nice suit.
I got to agree.
Root Beer, he just got out of jail.
It's not something he would be wearing.
[SHOUTING IN GERMAN.]
So he's gonna go talk to Wardrobe.
Oh, and he said to be on time tomorrow.
I was in my trailer.
I was just waiting for somebody to get me.
Right.
Okay.
CARMEN: So, this gift basket came.
Oh, yeah, when you do a movie, they normally send that stuff.
- It's not from the movie.
- Oh, it's probably from Guns 'N Roses for me getting them back together again.
About time they showed some gratitude.
No, Andrew, the gift basket's for me.
- For you? - I've been nominated by the Las Vegas Journal for Best Newcomer in the field of real estate.
Babe, that is incredible.
Get over here.
This is great.
I mean, it's just a stupid award, so who cares, really? It's not a big deal.
Do not diminish how great this is.
We got to do something.
We got to go out.
We got to celebrate.
- We could just order in.
- Absolutely not.
This is incredible.
This night is all bout you.
- Come here.
- Okay, let's go.
It is so great.
I'm very proud of you.
- Come on, let's get out of here.
- Okay, okay.
Come on.
So, it's between me and three other people.
Well, you know what, sweetie? I'll just have to dig some holes in the desert - and get rid of those people.
- [LAUGHS.]
Don't worry about it.
Look, look, look.
What's this, some kind of cast meeting? Why don't you go say hi? I'm not gonna go over there.
They should come over to me.
Well, I don't think they can see you from this angle.
Doesn't matter.
He could've called me.
He could've texted.
He's my friend.
Okay, but if he would have texted you, you and I wouldn't be having this nice time right now, would we? I know.
I love it.
I'm just saying, you know.
Okay, so, it's a black tie, so you're gonna have to wear a tux.
You think you can handle that? What? Yeah.
Then I was thinking maybe after the ceremony, I could bring three of my girlfriends over.
They could all take turns blowing you.
Maybe one could stick their finger up your ass.
Excuse me, waitress.
Can you do me a favor? I want you to bring a bottle of champagne to that table over there, where those guys came in.
Just say it's for Andrew Dice Clay from Jerry Bruckheimer.
Um, you want me to bring a bottle of champagne over to this table and say - it's for - It's for Andrew Dice Clay from Jerry Bruckheimer? Very good.
That's it.
Thank you.
Okay.
What? Tonight was supposed to be about me.
It is about you, but I got to admit, that bothers me.
Andrew, he's your best friend.
Just go over and say hi.
No, let me watch this.
This is from Jerry Bruckheimer to Andrew Dice Clay.
MICHAEL: I'm not fucking putting up with this.
- It'll be okay.
- This is fucking bullshit, okay? That was weird.
[INDISTINCT TALKING.]
Yeah, of course.
Thanks so much.
- Shake's coming over.
- Great.
Just who I want to see on my date.
- Shake.
- Hey.
Uh, this was sent to us by accident.
It was from Jerry Bruckheimer to you.
- But it came to our table.
- The guy's a prince.
He always does things like that.
Michael Imperioli was pretty offended because he's on the wagon, you know, so - I didn't know that.
- Anyway, you know, I got to go home.
I got to do rewrites on my script and stuff, so you guys take care, right? - Enjoy your meal.
- All right.
- Bye, Milkshake.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
- All right, see you tomorrow.
- See you later.
All right.
This is ridiculous.
You haven't said one word since we left the restaurant.
- So what is it? - What is it? I don't know.
You fucked up my night.
You fucked up Milkshake's night.
- Aah! - Aaah! There is a person in our backyard.
I can see that.
[INSECTS CHIRPING.]
I don't believe this.
Mickey Rourke.
Been a long time.
Been a long fucking time, brother.
And here you are in my backyard.
[LAUGHS.]
And then there was that time [LAUGHS.]
where we left Eric Roberts for hours in your trunk of that fucking Road Runner.
- Oh, shit.
- Yeah, that was wild, man.
Crazy fucking shit.
Time fucking flies, I'll tell ya.
And we had that that one night.
What night? The night we made the deal.
- We made a deal.
- Yeah.
What deal? We were downstairs at the Roxbury.
And we promised ourselves that getting old was not gonna be for guys like us, that before we hit 59, we were gonna turn out the fucking lights.
- I said that? - Yeah, you said we're gonna kill ourselves before we get old.
I don't remember that.
Listen.
You told me that you were gonna forget about this and for me to remind you, so a deal's a deal.
Mick, we were drinking.
We were partying.
We were having a good time.
Come on.
Get all your affairs in order.
Do what you got to do because Thursday we're gonna turn out the lights, brother.
Don't be a pussy, Dice.
Mick, where you going? Hey, uh, Mike? Can I Can I bother you a minute? - Hey.
- I'm really sorry about last night, that that bottle of champagne came to your table.
Was that strange how that happened, huh? - I know.
- Really strange, weird.
Do you like mysteries, Dice? - Yeah, they're all right.
- I love mysteries.
I watch "Law and Order.
" In the first five minutes, I know who did it.
By the first commercial break, I know the how and the why.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
- That's good.
- And last night, while I'm walking back to my hotel, I realized I have a mystery on my hands because I kept asking myself, "Now, why would Jerry Bruckheimer send Andrew Dice Clay a bottle of champagne, right?" Uh, you know, he's he's nice like that.
No.
Not buying it.
- You're not buying it? - I'm not buying it.
- You understand? - Yes, I got it.
I got it.
I'm Blackjack's guy.
I'm loyal to the end.
You're lucky you're only hearing my bark, 'cause you don't want to feel my bite.
GUNTHER: Cut! [SPEAKING GERMAN.]
I know.
I know.
I'm trying to do it.
I just He doesn't think it's working, and he says since you are Blackjack's dog that maybe you should just bark.
What are you talking about, bark? Just bark, you know, like he wants you to howl.
Like a dog, like bark like, like arf? Not like a fucking cartoon.
What are you, Snoopy? Like an angry dog.
Reach down and do it.
Wait a minute.
Shake? Yeah, I don't know.
It's good for the character.
It's very It's very animalistic.
- You want me to bark? - I think it'll be good, yeah.
Ruff! Ruff, ruff! [SHOUTING IN GERMAN.]
- Ruff, ruff! - Bark! Bark! Ruff! [GROWLING.]
A lot! This is ridiculous.
You're not supposed to have a party now.
You're supposed to have a party like, after you wrap the film.
You know what I mean? If you didn't want to come, then why are we here? I got shit I could be doing.
I-I could get ready for my awards ceremony.
I have to get my hair done.
I got to figure out what I'm gonna wear.
I'm gonna be right by your side.
Oh, wait.
You're gonna be my arm candy? - That's right.
- Okay.
It's gonna be an honor.
Come on.
No, no, you got to do like this.
- What? What? - [LAUGHS.]
Hey, y'all.
You made it.
They're with me.
Come on in.
- Hey.
- You believe him? I don't recognize this guy anymore.
- Look who showed up.
- Hey, Mike.
- This is my girlfriend, Carmen.
- It's great to meet you.
I love your work.
It's always nice to meet a fan.
She didn't say she's a fan.
She likes your work.
Sounds like a fan.
I'm your number-one fucking fan.
Okay? Hey, um, I put in a call to Jerry Bruckheimer tonight.
Oh, yeah? How's he doing? He wasn't around, but I left word, but, uh, he'll call back.
That's the thing about being on "The Sopranos.
" They always call you back.
It's, uh, very nice to meet you.
- It was great to meet you.
- Cheers.
Hoo, hoo! Hoo, hoo! Hello, everyone.
I just wanted to thank you all for coming, and I wanted to thank the staff working hard.
I used to be you.
But then I found a way to move up in the world.
I see you.
And how about those mini crab cakes, huh? Clap for the staff.
- [APPLAUSE.]
- Very good.
Now, tonight is a very special night for Ronald, and he's not very good at speaking in front of people, so he wrote something that he wanted to share.
Yeah, you know, like Trudy said, I'm not really good at this, so I wrote a poem.
I hope you don't mind.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm just a guy jotting things down with a pen and paper.
Don't know if I'm doing anybody any favor.
But I had to get it out of me.
It was building up inside.
Now, I'm kicking it with Michael Imperioli and going on this crazy ride.
Seeing you bring it to life, it's almost too much to take.
Much love to my new family for seeing the Ron inside the milkshake.
[APPLAUSE.]
Gorgeous.
Oh, God.
- Shake.
- Hey.
I've been looking all over for you.
Oh, I had to get out of there, man.
There's people hanging all over me.
You know, there's only so much Milkshake to go around.
You're right.
You got a lot on your plate.
- Yeah.
- So you know what? I'm not even gonna bother you with what was on my mind.
No, no.
It's no big deal.
No big deal.
Hey, you know what it is? Like, every day they're cutting lines, they got me barking.
Oh, my God, I didn't know you were unhappy.
No, I am happy, and I'm happy for you.
I just I don't know.
I wish there was more I could do.
Yeah.
You know what you need? You need a moment.
How about I write you a monologue? - You would do that? - I would do anything for you.
You don't get it, do you? You're Blackjack.
- I'm Root Beer.
- No, I know.
I'm loyal to the end.
You're the best.
TRUDY: Ronald, there you are! Come on.
We want to go dancing.
Better get back up there.
All right, man.
- Hey, Shake.
- Yeah? Thank you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[KEYS JINGLE.]
How was the party? - Fuck, Mick! - [CHUCKLES.]
How the fuck did you get in this house? Have you called your attorney and gotten all your affairs in order? 'Cause we're gonna pull the trigger on this thing.
I don't want to hear about this dumb pact anymore.
You used to be the most fun fucking guy, and now you're now this morbid motherfucker.
What is it? Not doing what you want to do? You hate yourself in some fucking way? Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men, they couldn't make fucking Humpty any younger again.
Okay, Mick, I get it.
Everybody's a fucking poet tonight.
Oh.
Are you ready for your close-up, Mr.
Andrew Dice Clay? Yes, I am.
If you're looking for me to say something, it ain't gonna happen, 'cause I got nothing to say.
I knew that day when Maldonado took me to Lundy Brothers, bought me a tuna melt.
He said, "Kid, this is your lucky day.
" Well, that's when I knew.
That's when I knew how this was gonna end.
So you think I care? You think I give a fuck? You do your worst, 'cause I ain't scared.
Go ahead, motherfucker.
Pull your trigger.
End it.
[GASPING.]
- Cut! - That's a cut.
Back to one.
Going again.
What do you think? Gunther really loved it.
Really? I can do it again.
No, no, no.
Go see for yourself.
They're cueing it up for you over there.
- Really? - Yeah, playback, yeah.
Okay, great.
Thanks.
Thanks.
I knew that day when Maldonado took me to Lundy Brothers and bought me a tuna melt.
- What the fuck was that? - It's a favor to Ron.
Favor to Ron? I just don't see how that fits in anywhere.
Don't worry.
It'll end up on the cutting-room floor.
Son of a bitch! Gunther just said we got to throw him a bone.
Fuck! You're a real son of a bitch, you know that? What the fuck is this about? - Whoa.
What's going on? - No, I heard him in the fucking ear piece, this big fucking goon.
That scene stays in, Shake.
That's not gonna wind up on the cutting-room floor, okay? I want a guarantee that it stays in.
We're gonna give the fifth banana final cut? Fifth banana? Let me tell you something.
You guys wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for me.
- [RING TONE PLAYS.]
- Excuse me.
Hey, thanks for calling me back, Jerry.
I'm Blackjack.
Tell them, Milkshake.
You know, a writer derives inspiration from all aspects of his life.
That that's what you're gonna say now? That's exactly what I thought.
Thank you very much.
Yeah, so, that was Jerry Bruckheimer, and it's just as I suspected.
Jerry Bruckheimer didn't send that bottle of champagne to Dice.
Dice sent it to himself.
- Why would you do that? - Ah! Therein lies the rub.
See, because we know the who.
It was Dice who sent himself that bottle.
We know the how.
He got the waiter to deliver it and then lie for him.
But we don't yet know the why.
Allow me to propose a theory.
I believe that when Dice saw his best friend, who he so patronizingly refers to as "Milkshake," start to achieve success, it drove him fucking crazy.
- I - So in an effort to make it all about Dice, he sent himself that bottle of champagne because Dice couldn't stand that all the attention, for once, was not on him.
Are you really gonna listen to this fuckin' asshole? - Am I an asshole, Dice? - Yes, you are.
Or is name-calling the last refuge of a guilty man.
Give it up.
Ladies and gentlemen I believe the case of Jerry Bruckheimer's missing champagne has been solved.
Bum bum! [LAUGHS.]
Oh.
Why couldn't you just be happy for me? I am happy for you.
You know, Trudy was right about you you're jealous of me.
Trudy's right about everything, in your mind, because she hypnotized you.
You hypnotized me! But you know what, Dice? No more.
No more.
I'm I'm awake now.
I'm awake for the first time in years.
Shake You make it all about you.
Look around.
The whole production has come to a screeching halt because we're dealing with you.
You know what? You're trying to ruin my movie? You're trying to ruin my thing? You're fired! You're fired.
I'm fired? Get the hell off my set.
All right.
All right.
[SIGHS.]
Babe.
Carm.
Ca Oh, fuck! [HORNS HONKING.]
[TIRES SCREECHING.]
Carmen! Carmen! Carmen, wait up! You have no idea what this day was.
I I got fired off the Scorsese thing.
And it was Milkshake that fired me, but it doesn't matter.
I am so damn sorry.
I don't care.
I know you don't, but I'm trying to explain to you.
No, I literally don't give a shit.
I'll make it up to you.
- I-I - No, not this time.
What do you mean? Andrew I need some space.
Tonight wasn't about you.
It was about me.
Okay? I don't get a lot of wins.
And tonight was a win for me, and that hasn't happened in a really long time, and you didn't even bother to show up! - I tried! - Well, you didn't try hard enough! - I did try! - Whatever this is, whatever we've been doing, we're done! It's over! Carm I'm sorry! I'm sorry, Carmen! What do I Mm mm mm Mm, mm mm Fuck.
Tonight's the night.
Mick.
How the fuck did you get in here? I told the valet it was my car, and he knows Mickey Rourke, and he did the right thing.
I got a gun on your ass, so I want you to drive.
Now.
Let's go.
Move it.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
Sitting by the old road again Waiting for a letter for a friend Mick you're making a mistake.
I'm not ready for this.
A deal's a deal, Dice.
I ain't letting you out of this.
Twisting down a river with no end [SIGHS.]
[SNIFFS.]
What's that smell? [CHUCKLES.]
I spilled a little gasoline around.
- Gasoline? - Mm.
You fuckin' kidding me, Mick? - Dice, it was your idea.
- My idea? We're gonna go out in a blaze of glory.
Come on, Mick.
Knock it off, would you, please? I got a lot of shit going on.
My my best friend's not talking to me, - my chick left me - Don't change the subject.
I don't even know what the fuck you're talking about.
I'm just trying to tell you some things.
20, 25 years ago everything was fun.
It was all about our pride, envy, wrath.
And now it's different.
We're old.
I mean, I've had I don't know six, seven motorcycle crashes in the last 10 years.
I'm put together with bubble gum and paper clips and crazy glue.
My goddamn eyeballs ache.
Yeah, all right.
Your eyeball? Let me show you something, my friend.
See that? I got a dead fuckin' eye.
I'm driving around Florida, I got to do 15 shows, and my retina blows off, okay? But you adapt.
That's what I do.
I got a lot to live for.
I got two sons I got to bring up.
You know what your family's gonna do with you when you start slobbering all over the place, you don't know anybody's name? They're gonna stick you in an assisted-living home with a whole bunch of other dying old dinosaurs.
And you're gonna have some old lady you don't even know her name whiping your ass.
It ain't like the old days anymore.
You don't get to die at home in your own fuckin' bed.
I don't get you.
You were a fuckin' animal.
Nobody could get to you.
Guy like you goes down, and you come up swingin'.
That's who you are.
They don't make guys like us anymore.
And I'll tell you another thing.
When the gods finally decide to pull the curtain shut on us, people are gonna celebrate us.
They're gonna do documentaries about us.
That's our destiny.
This is not our destiny, to go up in here in this little shit hotel room.
Let me tell you something, Mick.
I love you.
I still love you.
I always loved you.
Me and you, we should go out.
Let's drink, let's fuckin' laugh, let's get you some of that skinny pussy you love so much.
Come on.
You want to have a smoke? You know what? I could just use a little little fresh air.
You know what I mean? Mm? You know? What do you want to do? Live a little bit? Can't we smoke outside? Can we, uh Come on.
I want to go.
Let's take it outside.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
- Come on.
- Let's go have some fun.
Pussy or food? What do you want? [SMOKE ALARM BEEPING.]
This light had gone out long ago It was worth
Are you coming back? I don't think so.
Some men kneel - [ENGINE STARTS.]
- Some men chose sides [TIRES SQUEAL.]
The train is roll Oh! [AUDIENCE CHANTING.]
Dice, Dice, Dice, Dice, Dice, Dice! Top of the world, Ma.
[IMPLOSION.]
ANDREW: Martin Scorsese called me.
This man did "Taxi Driver," "Raging Bull," uh, "The Terminator," "Avatar.
" Whoa, hold on.
He didn't do "Avatar.
" Doesn't matter.
He directs everything.
He's not directing your thing.
He's just producing it.
Yes.
And he's got me this director, this German guy, that's supposed to be, like, really intense.
I have not seen you this energized in a very long time.
'Cause I get it.
The universe got me out of my contract at the Tangiers.
The universe got me out of fucking Monroe, that Broadway piece of shit.
The universe never wanted me to host the Oscars.
No.
The universe wants me to win an Oscar.
Well, at least you're not getting ahead of yourself.
Exactly.
All right, Shake, watch how I do now, right? [LIGHTER CLICKS.]
That's the move.
Yeah, I'm Blackjack's guy.
I'm his dog.
Loyal to the end.
And you're lucky you're only hearing me bark because last thing you need over here is to feel my bite.
That was good.
- No.
- What's a matter? I'm playing this character Root Beer, right? But I feel like I should be the lead, like I should be Blackjack.
Yeah, tell me about it.
It was written for you.
It feels like that, right? No, I mean, it was.
I should know.
All right, forget about it.
Do your line.
Listen, Maldonado.
Root Beer's been with me through thick and thin.
He's my mutt, my loyal mutt.
- You understand? - Wait a minute.
- Wait a minute.
- What? What the fuck are you doing? You you aren't even looking at the script.
- So? - So, I gave you the fucking thing like five minutes ago and you already got it memorized? - What the fuck? - Yeah, but it helps when you wrote it.
What are you talking about, you wrote it? Dude, this is my script.
Look at the cover page.
Look at the title.
"The Man With The Fingerless Glove.
" Yeah, I've been telling you about this script for months.
- Look at it.
Ron Gomez.
- Yeah.
- You wrote this whole thing? - Yeah, believe it or not.
- The whole fucking thing? - Yes.
A fucking Scorsese movie.
Do you believe All right.
All right, let me do this.
Listen, Blackjack, we all go through life playing the hands we're dealt.
I'm two high pair.
Maybe even aces up.
The problem is, you got three deuces.
I'm proud of you.
This is beautiful.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- I only got one question.
Who's playing Blackjack? Andrew Dice Clay in the house! Michael Imperioli.
What's up, brother? - How are you doing? - It's been a long time.
Been a long time.
You good? You shooting today? No, I'm just here to try on some costumes.
Listen, uh, if you need some help with the character, just talk to me.
Why would I talk to you? Well, Blackjack is based on me.
I discussed this at length with Ron.
Blackjack is an amalgamation of three different people from my childhood.
My neighbor, my scout master, and my uncle.
Ron is my best friend, and the character was completely based off of me.
He didn't say a word about you.
Well, it's easy to figure out.
You're wearing the fingerless gloves, aren't you? A lot of people wear fingerless gloves.
Cyclists, weight lifters, perverts.
- My uncle.
- Your uncle? He was a paraplegic.
He used them for his wheelchair.
I'm doing this in tribute to him.
You know what's so funny about you? - What? - This this Maybe this is why we haven't seen each other.
- What the fuck are you talking about? - What about "The Sopranos?" When Tony would, like, tell you, because you had, like, a drug problem, and he'd go, "You got to do not the drugs no more," and you were like, "Yeah, no problem, Tony.
I love you.
" - Right.
- The minute he walks out, what are you doing? Sticking needles in your arm.
Your chick wanted to fucking leave you.
That was a character, yeah.
What about when the other one you did, with Pesci, and you got him all mad that he winds up shooting you? That was another screenplay.
No, but he wouldn't have done it if you didn't get him so fucking mad.
I did it because it was in the script.
- No, I know, but - Okay, let's leave it at that, please.
It's gonna be great.
I'm happy to be here.
- Yeah, all right.
- God bless.
Yeah, I'll see you on the set.
Shake.
Look at this.
Beautiful, right? - Sharp.
- Yeah, yeah, um - This is me all classed out.
- Yeah.
Oh, here comes the director.
This is Gunther Osterland.
Hey, dawg, nice to meet you.
Ooh.
[SPEAKING GERMAN.]
What? - [LAUGHS.]
- Oh.
[SPEAKING GERMAN.]
[SHOUTING IN GERMAN.]
What? [SHOUTING IN GERMAN.]
W-W-W-What happened now? Gunther says hello.
- That was hello? - Yeah.
- What, you calling me a liar? - No, it's just I don't know.
Yeah, hi.
[SPEAKING GERMAN.]
Yeah.
Got it.
So, he thinks that this look really isn't right for you, 'cause the character Root Beer is a sidekick who wouldn't be wearing such a nice suit.
I got to agree.
Root Beer, he just got out of jail.
It's not something he would be wearing.
[SHOUTING IN GERMAN.]
So he's gonna go talk to Wardrobe.
Oh, and he said to be on time tomorrow.
I was in my trailer.
I was just waiting for somebody to get me.
Right.
Okay.
CARMEN: So, this gift basket came.
Oh, yeah, when you do a movie, they normally send that stuff.
- It's not from the movie.
- Oh, it's probably from Guns 'N Roses for me getting them back together again.
About time they showed some gratitude.
No, Andrew, the gift basket's for me.
- For you? - I've been nominated by the Las Vegas Journal for Best Newcomer in the field of real estate.
Babe, that is incredible.
Get over here.
This is great.
I mean, it's just a stupid award, so who cares, really? It's not a big deal.
Do not diminish how great this is.
We got to do something.
We got to go out.
We got to celebrate.
- We could just order in.
- Absolutely not.
This is incredible.
This night is all bout you.
- Come here.
- Okay, let's go.
It is so great.
I'm very proud of you.
- Come on, let's get out of here.
- Okay, okay.
Come on.
So, it's between me and three other people.
Well, you know what, sweetie? I'll just have to dig some holes in the desert - and get rid of those people.
- [LAUGHS.]
Don't worry about it.
Look, look, look.
What's this, some kind of cast meeting? Why don't you go say hi? I'm not gonna go over there.
They should come over to me.
Well, I don't think they can see you from this angle.
Doesn't matter.
He could've called me.
He could've texted.
He's my friend.
Okay, but if he would have texted you, you and I wouldn't be having this nice time right now, would we? I know.
I love it.
I'm just saying, you know.
Okay, so, it's a black tie, so you're gonna have to wear a tux.
You think you can handle that? What? Yeah.
Then I was thinking maybe after the ceremony, I could bring three of my girlfriends over.
They could all take turns blowing you.
Maybe one could stick their finger up your ass.
Excuse me, waitress.
Can you do me a favor? I want you to bring a bottle of champagne to that table over there, where those guys came in.
Just say it's for Andrew Dice Clay from Jerry Bruckheimer.
Um, you want me to bring a bottle of champagne over to this table and say - it's for - It's for Andrew Dice Clay from Jerry Bruckheimer? Very good.
That's it.
Thank you.
Okay.
What? Tonight was supposed to be about me.
It is about you, but I got to admit, that bothers me.
Andrew, he's your best friend.
Just go over and say hi.
No, let me watch this.
This is from Jerry Bruckheimer to Andrew Dice Clay.
MICHAEL: I'm not fucking putting up with this.
- It'll be okay.
- This is fucking bullshit, okay? That was weird.
[INDISTINCT TALKING.]
Yeah, of course.
Thanks so much.
- Shake's coming over.
- Great.
Just who I want to see on my date.
- Shake.
- Hey.
Uh, this was sent to us by accident.
It was from Jerry Bruckheimer to you.
- But it came to our table.
- The guy's a prince.
He always does things like that.
Michael Imperioli was pretty offended because he's on the wagon, you know, so - I didn't know that.
- Anyway, you know, I got to go home.
I got to do rewrites on my script and stuff, so you guys take care, right? - Enjoy your meal.
- All right.
- Bye, Milkshake.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
- All right, see you tomorrow.
- See you later.
All right.
This is ridiculous.
You haven't said one word since we left the restaurant.
- So what is it? - What is it? I don't know.
You fucked up my night.
You fucked up Milkshake's night.
- Aah! - Aaah! There is a person in our backyard.
I can see that.
[INSECTS CHIRPING.]
I don't believe this.
Mickey Rourke.
Been a long time.
Been a long fucking time, brother.
And here you are in my backyard.
[LAUGHS.]
And then there was that time [LAUGHS.]
where we left Eric Roberts for hours in your trunk of that fucking Road Runner.
- Oh, shit.
- Yeah, that was wild, man.
Crazy fucking shit.
Time fucking flies, I'll tell ya.
And we had that that one night.
What night? The night we made the deal.
- We made a deal.
- Yeah.
What deal? We were downstairs at the Roxbury.
And we promised ourselves that getting old was not gonna be for guys like us, that before we hit 59, we were gonna turn out the fucking lights.
- I said that? - Yeah, you said we're gonna kill ourselves before we get old.
I don't remember that.
Listen.
You told me that you were gonna forget about this and for me to remind you, so a deal's a deal.
Mick, we were drinking.
We were partying.
We were having a good time.
Come on.
Get all your affairs in order.
Do what you got to do because Thursday we're gonna turn out the lights, brother.
Don't be a pussy, Dice.
Mick, where you going? Hey, uh, Mike? Can I Can I bother you a minute? - Hey.
- I'm really sorry about last night, that that bottle of champagne came to your table.
Was that strange how that happened, huh? - I know.
- Really strange, weird.
Do you like mysteries, Dice? - Yeah, they're all right.
- I love mysteries.
I watch "Law and Order.
" In the first five minutes, I know who did it.
By the first commercial break, I know the how and the why.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
- That's good.
- And last night, while I'm walking back to my hotel, I realized I have a mystery on my hands because I kept asking myself, "Now, why would Jerry Bruckheimer send Andrew Dice Clay a bottle of champagne, right?" Uh, you know, he's he's nice like that.
No.
Not buying it.
- You're not buying it? - I'm not buying it.
- You understand? - Yes, I got it.
I got it.
I'm Blackjack's guy.
I'm loyal to the end.
You're lucky you're only hearing my bark, 'cause you don't want to feel my bite.
GUNTHER: Cut! [SPEAKING GERMAN.]
I know.
I know.
I'm trying to do it.
I just He doesn't think it's working, and he says since you are Blackjack's dog that maybe you should just bark.
What are you talking about, bark? Just bark, you know, like he wants you to howl.
Like a dog, like bark like, like arf? Not like a fucking cartoon.
What are you, Snoopy? Like an angry dog.
Reach down and do it.
Wait a minute.
Shake? Yeah, I don't know.
It's good for the character.
It's very It's very animalistic.
- You want me to bark? - I think it'll be good, yeah.
Ruff! Ruff, ruff! [SHOUTING IN GERMAN.]
- Ruff, ruff! - Bark! Bark! Ruff! [GROWLING.]
A lot! This is ridiculous.
You're not supposed to have a party now.
You're supposed to have a party like, after you wrap the film.
You know what I mean? If you didn't want to come, then why are we here? I got shit I could be doing.
I-I could get ready for my awards ceremony.
I have to get my hair done.
I got to figure out what I'm gonna wear.
I'm gonna be right by your side.
Oh, wait.
You're gonna be my arm candy? - That's right.
- Okay.
It's gonna be an honor.
Come on.
No, no, you got to do like this.
- What? What? - [LAUGHS.]
Hey, y'all.
You made it.
They're with me.
Come on in.
- Hey.
- You believe him? I don't recognize this guy anymore.
- Look who showed up.
- Hey, Mike.
- This is my girlfriend, Carmen.
- It's great to meet you.
I love your work.
It's always nice to meet a fan.
She didn't say she's a fan.
She likes your work.
Sounds like a fan.
I'm your number-one fucking fan.
Okay? Hey, um, I put in a call to Jerry Bruckheimer tonight.
Oh, yeah? How's he doing? He wasn't around, but I left word, but, uh, he'll call back.
That's the thing about being on "The Sopranos.
" They always call you back.
It's, uh, very nice to meet you.
- It was great to meet you.
- Cheers.
Hoo, hoo! Hoo, hoo! Hello, everyone.
I just wanted to thank you all for coming, and I wanted to thank the staff working hard.
I used to be you.
But then I found a way to move up in the world.
I see you.
And how about those mini crab cakes, huh? Clap for the staff.
- [APPLAUSE.]
- Very good.
Now, tonight is a very special night for Ronald, and he's not very good at speaking in front of people, so he wrote something that he wanted to share.
Yeah, you know, like Trudy said, I'm not really good at this, so I wrote a poem.
I hope you don't mind.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm just a guy jotting things down with a pen and paper.
Don't know if I'm doing anybody any favor.
But I had to get it out of me.
It was building up inside.
Now, I'm kicking it with Michael Imperioli and going on this crazy ride.
Seeing you bring it to life, it's almost too much to take.
Much love to my new family for seeing the Ron inside the milkshake.
[APPLAUSE.]
Gorgeous.
Oh, God.
- Shake.
- Hey.
I've been looking all over for you.
Oh, I had to get out of there, man.
There's people hanging all over me.
You know, there's only so much Milkshake to go around.
You're right.
You got a lot on your plate.
- Yeah.
- So you know what? I'm not even gonna bother you with what was on my mind.
No, no.
It's no big deal.
No big deal.
Hey, you know what it is? Like, every day they're cutting lines, they got me barking.
Oh, my God, I didn't know you were unhappy.
No, I am happy, and I'm happy for you.
I just I don't know.
I wish there was more I could do.
Yeah.
You know what you need? You need a moment.
How about I write you a monologue? - You would do that? - I would do anything for you.
You don't get it, do you? You're Blackjack.
- I'm Root Beer.
- No, I know.
I'm loyal to the end.
You're the best.
TRUDY: Ronald, there you are! Come on.
We want to go dancing.
Better get back up there.
All right, man.
- Hey, Shake.
- Yeah? Thank you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[KEYS JINGLE.]
How was the party? - Fuck, Mick! - [CHUCKLES.]
How the fuck did you get in this house? Have you called your attorney and gotten all your affairs in order? 'Cause we're gonna pull the trigger on this thing.
I don't want to hear about this dumb pact anymore.
You used to be the most fun fucking guy, and now you're now this morbid motherfucker.
What is it? Not doing what you want to do? You hate yourself in some fucking way? Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men, they couldn't make fucking Humpty any younger again.
Okay, Mick, I get it.
Everybody's a fucking poet tonight.
Oh.
Are you ready for your close-up, Mr.
Andrew Dice Clay? Yes, I am.
If you're looking for me to say something, it ain't gonna happen, 'cause I got nothing to say.
I knew that day when Maldonado took me to Lundy Brothers, bought me a tuna melt.
He said, "Kid, this is your lucky day.
" Well, that's when I knew.
That's when I knew how this was gonna end.
So you think I care? You think I give a fuck? You do your worst, 'cause I ain't scared.
Go ahead, motherfucker.
Pull your trigger.
End it.
[GASPING.]
- Cut! - That's a cut.
Back to one.
Going again.
What do you think? Gunther really loved it.
Really? I can do it again.
No, no, no.
Go see for yourself.
They're cueing it up for you over there.
- Really? - Yeah, playback, yeah.
Okay, great.
Thanks.
Thanks.
I knew that day when Maldonado took me to Lundy Brothers and bought me a tuna melt.
- What the fuck was that? - It's a favor to Ron.
Favor to Ron? I just don't see how that fits in anywhere.
Don't worry.
It'll end up on the cutting-room floor.
Son of a bitch! Gunther just said we got to throw him a bone.
Fuck! You're a real son of a bitch, you know that? What the fuck is this about? - Whoa.
What's going on? - No, I heard him in the fucking ear piece, this big fucking goon.
That scene stays in, Shake.
That's not gonna wind up on the cutting-room floor, okay? I want a guarantee that it stays in.
We're gonna give the fifth banana final cut? Fifth banana? Let me tell you something.
You guys wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for me.
- [RING TONE PLAYS.]
- Excuse me.
Hey, thanks for calling me back, Jerry.
I'm Blackjack.
Tell them, Milkshake.
You know, a writer derives inspiration from all aspects of his life.
That that's what you're gonna say now? That's exactly what I thought.
Thank you very much.
Yeah, so, that was Jerry Bruckheimer, and it's just as I suspected.
Jerry Bruckheimer didn't send that bottle of champagne to Dice.
Dice sent it to himself.
- Why would you do that? - Ah! Therein lies the rub.
See, because we know the who.
It was Dice who sent himself that bottle.
We know the how.
He got the waiter to deliver it and then lie for him.
But we don't yet know the why.
Allow me to propose a theory.
I believe that when Dice saw his best friend, who he so patronizingly refers to as "Milkshake," start to achieve success, it drove him fucking crazy.
- I - So in an effort to make it all about Dice, he sent himself that bottle of champagne because Dice couldn't stand that all the attention, for once, was not on him.
Are you really gonna listen to this fuckin' asshole? - Am I an asshole, Dice? - Yes, you are.
Or is name-calling the last refuge of a guilty man.
Give it up.
Ladies and gentlemen I believe the case of Jerry Bruckheimer's missing champagne has been solved.
Bum bum! [LAUGHS.]
Oh.
Why couldn't you just be happy for me? I am happy for you.
You know, Trudy was right about you you're jealous of me.
Trudy's right about everything, in your mind, because she hypnotized you.
You hypnotized me! But you know what, Dice? No more.
No more.
I'm I'm awake now.
I'm awake for the first time in years.
Shake You make it all about you.
Look around.
The whole production has come to a screeching halt because we're dealing with you.
You know what? You're trying to ruin my movie? You're trying to ruin my thing? You're fired! You're fired.
I'm fired? Get the hell off my set.
All right.
All right.
[SIGHS.]
Babe.
Carm.
Ca Oh, fuck! [HORNS HONKING.]
[TIRES SCREECHING.]
Carmen! Carmen! Carmen, wait up! You have no idea what this day was.
I I got fired off the Scorsese thing.
And it was Milkshake that fired me, but it doesn't matter.
I am so damn sorry.
I don't care.
I know you don't, but I'm trying to explain to you.
No, I literally don't give a shit.
I'll make it up to you.
- I-I - No, not this time.
What do you mean? Andrew I need some space.
Tonight wasn't about you.
It was about me.
Okay? I don't get a lot of wins.
And tonight was a win for me, and that hasn't happened in a really long time, and you didn't even bother to show up! - I tried! - Well, you didn't try hard enough! - I did try! - Whatever this is, whatever we've been doing, we're done! It's over! Carm I'm sorry! I'm sorry, Carmen! What do I Mm mm mm Mm, mm mm Fuck.
Tonight's the night.
Mick.
How the fuck did you get in here? I told the valet it was my car, and he knows Mickey Rourke, and he did the right thing.
I got a gun on your ass, so I want you to drive.
Now.
Let's go.
Move it.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
Sitting by the old road again Waiting for a letter for a friend Mick you're making a mistake.
I'm not ready for this.
A deal's a deal, Dice.
I ain't letting you out of this.
Twisting down a river with no end [SIGHS.]
[SNIFFS.]
What's that smell? [CHUCKLES.]
I spilled a little gasoline around.
- Gasoline? - Mm.
You fuckin' kidding me, Mick? - Dice, it was your idea.
- My idea? We're gonna go out in a blaze of glory.
Come on, Mick.
Knock it off, would you, please? I got a lot of shit going on.
My my best friend's not talking to me, - my chick left me - Don't change the subject.
I don't even know what the fuck you're talking about.
I'm just trying to tell you some things.
20, 25 years ago everything was fun.
It was all about our pride, envy, wrath.
And now it's different.
We're old.
I mean, I've had I don't know six, seven motorcycle crashes in the last 10 years.
I'm put together with bubble gum and paper clips and crazy glue.
My goddamn eyeballs ache.
Yeah, all right.
Your eyeball? Let me show you something, my friend.
See that? I got a dead fuckin' eye.
I'm driving around Florida, I got to do 15 shows, and my retina blows off, okay? But you adapt.
That's what I do.
I got a lot to live for.
I got two sons I got to bring up.
You know what your family's gonna do with you when you start slobbering all over the place, you don't know anybody's name? They're gonna stick you in an assisted-living home with a whole bunch of other dying old dinosaurs.
And you're gonna have some old lady you don't even know her name whiping your ass.
It ain't like the old days anymore.
You don't get to die at home in your own fuckin' bed.
I don't get you.
You were a fuckin' animal.
Nobody could get to you.
Guy like you goes down, and you come up swingin'.
That's who you are.
They don't make guys like us anymore.
And I'll tell you another thing.
When the gods finally decide to pull the curtain shut on us, people are gonna celebrate us.
They're gonna do documentaries about us.
That's our destiny.
This is not our destiny, to go up in here in this little shit hotel room.
Let me tell you something, Mick.
I love you.
I still love you.
I always loved you.
Me and you, we should go out.
Let's drink, let's fuckin' laugh, let's get you some of that skinny pussy you love so much.
Come on.
You want to have a smoke? You know what? I could just use a little little fresh air.
You know what I mean? Mm? You know? What do you want to do? Live a little bit? Can't we smoke outside? Can we, uh Come on.
I want to go.
Let's take it outside.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
- Come on.
- Let's go have some fun.
Pussy or food? What do you want? [SMOKE ALARM BEEPING.]
This light had gone out long ago It was worth