Dicktown (2020) s02e06 Episode Script
The Mystery of Meg's Extremely Violent and Inappropriate Musical
1
Please, lady, don't hurt me.
I'm gonna stab, chop, slice 'n dice I'm gonna stab, chop, slice 'n dice You fucked around - And now you're gonna find out - Oh, God, no Gonna gouge you with this kitchen knife Gonna make you scream and shout - Please, don't do that - Oh, you'll rue the day You held me down and had your way Gonna serve your nuts on a silver tray You're a dirty dog It's time to neuter you Do, do, do, do Oh, my God.
- What? - What happened? - Ooh, that blood looks great.
- It's real blood, Meg.
- Get me Nurse Grubman! - This is a real knife? - Ahh! - You almost cut my balls off, Liselle! My precious balls.
A baritone needs his balls! It's my senior honors theater project a musical tribute to '70s splatter movies.
"I Sing on Your Grave.
" - Meg, you're a genius.
- Yes, she is.
So I assume you're recontextualizing '70s exploitation movies' castration motifs to comment on cancel culture hysteria.
- Nah.
I just like gore.
- This work is so important.
Tell them what you told me.
Apparently "The New York Times" heard about the show and is sending a critic for opening night.
- Wow.
- Nice.
The.
New.
York.
Times.
A newspaper.
Isn't that insane? Whatever.
Newspapers are for dads.
So someone replaced the prop knife with a real one? Yeah.
They wanted to freak out Brett and it worked.
We open this weekend and he's scared to go on.
The show does not work without Brett.
- And Liselle.
- I feel awful.
So full of artless jealousy is guilt.
It spills itself in fearing to be spilt.
"Hamlet.
" Liselle, it's not your fault.
But I almost castrated my costar! What is castration technically? - Seriously? - It's the removal of the testicles.
We're taking the case.
All right, I'll start by reviewing the prop master's security protocols.
Then I'll interview the cast to see if anyone hates Brett.
I can I can interview the cast.
- Uh, why do you wanna do that? - Well, Dr.
Marjorie Frost, who I think I've mentioned once or twice - Yes.
I've heard you mention - She says a big part of growing up is ruthlessly taking what you want from others.
She's training you to be a sociopath? No, a predator, man.
I'll swoop down and collect information about who hates Brett like a pterodactyl stealing dinosaur eggs.
Uh, fine.
Good luck with your interrogation.
I'm going to steal all those eggs! Whoa.
This is quite an arsenal.
Yeah, Meg has an uncompromising vision.
- Hmm.
What's in those vats? - Fake blood.
I'd show you the entrails, but Chip's Meat Market hasn't dropped them off yet.
Wait, you use actual entrails under hot theater lights? Meg says it takes real guts to make good theater.
Ugh, wordplay.
And also listeria.
I have to say, these do look pretty realistic.
You know what you did! Ahh! - Don't worry, it's just plastic.
- Yeah, of course.
Are you allergic to plastic? Excuse me for a moment.
Hello.
I'm refreshed now.
So someone snuck in here and replaced the fake knife with a real one? No.
I would have noticed.
I think the switch happened on stage.
- I think Jasper did it.
- Hmm.
Who's Jasper? Jasper is Brett's understudy.
He's in the chorus.
He hands Liselle the knife in Act 2.
If Brett doesn't do the play, Jasper gets the lead.
Excuse me.
Have you seen my math book? - Sorry, no.
- Oh.
Your knives are so pretty.
And they look so dangerous.
- Uh, Jasper, I presume? - Yup.
Mm-hmm.
Any progress? I need my star to feel safe.
Because I don't feel safe.
We're making headway.
David is interviewing the cast.
My mind is not a dinosaur egg! - Yeah, yeah.
Ow! - Meg.
I think I'd feel safer if they were on stage.
- On stage.
Hmm - Out of this nettle, danger, we pluck this flower, safety.
Henry IV.
How would you guys like to be in the chorus? No, thank you.
I find musicals to be a little on-the-nose.
I prefer the meta-theater of Tom Stoppard.
And of course, David knows nothing about musical theater.
Uh, excuse me.
"Guys and Dolls.
" - "42nd Street.
" - Yes? - "Once Upon a Mattress.
" - Whoa.
"Gilbert and Sullivan.
" Hello, "Kiss Me Kate.
" I'm having difficulty processing this.
- Wow, you know your musical shit.
- Dude, I love musicals.
People are talking, and then all of a sudden, they just start singing.
- Mm.
- And strangers all know - the exact same dance moves.
- Mm-hmm.
And some random chorus girl - becomes the star of the show.
- Yes! - I mean, musicals go hard as fuck.
- Amen.
Amen.
That's right, they do.
- Welcome to the chorus.
- Squee! That's the score.
Learn it tonight.
Hell yes Open pit barbecue sauce, more sauce Open pit barbecue sauce, more sauce What are you so excited about? - We're just in the chorus.
- Oh, seriously, dude.
- It's opening night! - Yeah? And there's a critic out there.
Oh, and plus if you don't solve the mystery in time, someone might get their balls cut off.
John, I love this.
This is the passion of live performance.
Human connection people coming together, sharing their stories, - singing their truth.
- Wow.
Five minutes, people.
- Five minutes to curtain.
- Thank you, five minutes.
All right, dude, you ready to reach for the stars? - I suppose so.
- Musicals on three.
One, two, three.
- Musicals.
- Musi Can't find my footing I'm feeling unsteady Slipping around on the guts Of my enemies spilled On the floor like spaghetti My head won't stop spinning Is it justice I'm feeling? Chopping up all of these assholes was truly appealing Places for Act 2.
We've got a problem.
What? Are those Brett's balls? No, they're sheep's eyes.
We use them in scene 4.
But someone dropped them in Brett's tea with this note.
Brett quit the show.
And Jasper is missing now too.
- Wait, what? - Brett's big solo is next, - and we have no one to sing it.
Unless - Me? I mean, of course I did learn the solo by heart, but I'm just a chorus girl.
- I couldn't possibly - Ugh, okay.
So inspirational speeches are for dads, but I need you.
This audience needs you.
This musical needs you.
This is your chance to shine.
- You need to save this show.
- Really? This is like being in a real musical.
Now go out there and melt their hearts.
You are cordially invited To my sexist chainsaw massacre Death's me destination, lady You'll be my next passenger I'm gonna trap you like a mouse Then slay you in me slaughterhouse Welcome to me good old-fashioned Sexist chainsaw massacre He's gonna trap you like a mouse Then slay you in his slaughterhouse Welcome to his good old-fashioned Sexist chainsaw massacre Places for Act 3, everyone! - Whoo! How'd I do? How was I? - I-I don't know.
- I saw Kaydee in the audience.
- What? I might have been hallucinating, maybe.
This musical's really violent.
It's kinda freaking me out.
Oh, come on.
It's not that bad.
- Where are my pig entrails? Okay, focus.
We've got a ball-chopper-offer to apprehend and there's only one more act.
I know, but all the blood and guts - it's freaking me out, David.
- Okay, breathe.
Just keep telling yourself It's only a musical - Do I have to sing it? - Totally All right.
Musical theater can't hurt anyone It's all pretend, ha-cha-cha I actually feel better.
Okay, good luck not getting castrated! Thank you Yo, lady, please don't hurt me.
I'm gonna stab, chop, slice 'n dice I'm gonna stab, chop, slice 'n dice You fucked around - And now you're gonna find out - Oh, God, no Gonna gouge you with this kitchen knife Gonna make you scream and shout - Please don't do that - You'll rue the day You held me down and had your way Gonna serve your nuts on a silver tray Stop! That is a real knife.
Liselle, it's curtains for you.
- Wordplay.
- Ahh.
Incredible.
Bravo.
Bravo.
Musicals! So how did you know it was Liselle? Well, if Brett was too scared to do the show, Jasper would have taken his place.
But Jasper didn't care about musicals.
When I asked him about Stanislavski's System, he started talking about functional equations and cones.
Um He was thinking about Stanley's reciprocity theorem.
Ah.
Yeah, you know, Jasper was a math nerd, - not a theater nerd.
- So Liselle wanted Jasper on stage because she would have had the spotlight to herself.
Exactly, but when you stepped in, Liselle decided to try turning you into a Soprano.
Yeah.
She knew I was a threat.
The ironic thing is Liselle didn't need to do all this to shine.
She is a good actor.
I almost believed she didn't know who replaced the prop knife with a real one.
- Whoa.
- What? - Your houseboat is on fire.
- No, don't worry.
I'm just hallucinating again.
If you're hallucinating, why am I seeing it? Uh oh.
Houseboat on fire! I'm gonna stab, choke, slice 'n dice I'm gonna stab, choke, slice 'n dice I'm gonna stab, chop Kaydee Festermeyer! I know it's you! You want a war, you've got one!
I'm gonna stab, chop, slice 'n dice I'm gonna stab, chop, slice 'n dice You fucked around - And now you're gonna find out - Oh, God, no Gonna gouge you with this kitchen knife Gonna make you scream and shout - Please, don't do that - Oh, you'll rue the day You held me down and had your way Gonna serve your nuts on a silver tray You're a dirty dog It's time to neuter you Do, do, do, do Oh, my God.
- What? - What happened? - Ooh, that blood looks great.
- It's real blood, Meg.
- Get me Nurse Grubman! - This is a real knife? - Ahh! - You almost cut my balls off, Liselle! My precious balls.
A baritone needs his balls! It's my senior honors theater project a musical tribute to '70s splatter movies.
"I Sing on Your Grave.
" - Meg, you're a genius.
- Yes, she is.
So I assume you're recontextualizing '70s exploitation movies' castration motifs to comment on cancel culture hysteria.
- Nah.
I just like gore.
- This work is so important.
Tell them what you told me.
Apparently "The New York Times" heard about the show and is sending a critic for opening night.
- Wow.
- Nice.
The.
New.
York.
Times.
A newspaper.
Isn't that insane? Whatever.
Newspapers are for dads.
So someone replaced the prop knife with a real one? Yeah.
They wanted to freak out Brett and it worked.
We open this weekend and he's scared to go on.
The show does not work without Brett.
- And Liselle.
- I feel awful.
So full of artless jealousy is guilt.
It spills itself in fearing to be spilt.
"Hamlet.
" Liselle, it's not your fault.
But I almost castrated my costar! What is castration technically? - Seriously? - It's the removal of the testicles.
We're taking the case.
All right, I'll start by reviewing the prop master's security protocols.
Then I'll interview the cast to see if anyone hates Brett.
I can I can interview the cast.
- Uh, why do you wanna do that? - Well, Dr.
Marjorie Frost, who I think I've mentioned once or twice - Yes.
I've heard you mention - She says a big part of growing up is ruthlessly taking what you want from others.
She's training you to be a sociopath? No, a predator, man.
I'll swoop down and collect information about who hates Brett like a pterodactyl stealing dinosaur eggs.
Uh, fine.
Good luck with your interrogation.
I'm going to steal all those eggs! Whoa.
This is quite an arsenal.
Yeah, Meg has an uncompromising vision.
- Hmm.
What's in those vats? - Fake blood.
I'd show you the entrails, but Chip's Meat Market hasn't dropped them off yet.
Wait, you use actual entrails under hot theater lights? Meg says it takes real guts to make good theater.
Ugh, wordplay.
And also listeria.
I have to say, these do look pretty realistic.
You know what you did! Ahh! - Don't worry, it's just plastic.
- Yeah, of course.
Are you allergic to plastic? Excuse me for a moment.
Hello.
I'm refreshed now.
So someone snuck in here and replaced the fake knife with a real one? No.
I would have noticed.
I think the switch happened on stage.
- I think Jasper did it.
- Hmm.
Who's Jasper? Jasper is Brett's understudy.
He's in the chorus.
He hands Liselle the knife in Act 2.
If Brett doesn't do the play, Jasper gets the lead.
Excuse me.
Have you seen my math book? - Sorry, no.
- Oh.
Your knives are so pretty.
And they look so dangerous.
- Uh, Jasper, I presume? - Yup.
Mm-hmm.
Any progress? I need my star to feel safe.
Because I don't feel safe.
We're making headway.
David is interviewing the cast.
My mind is not a dinosaur egg! - Yeah, yeah.
Ow! - Meg.
I think I'd feel safer if they were on stage.
- On stage.
Hmm - Out of this nettle, danger, we pluck this flower, safety.
Henry IV.
How would you guys like to be in the chorus? No, thank you.
I find musicals to be a little on-the-nose.
I prefer the meta-theater of Tom Stoppard.
And of course, David knows nothing about musical theater.
Uh, excuse me.
"Guys and Dolls.
" - "42nd Street.
" - Yes? - "Once Upon a Mattress.
" - Whoa.
"Gilbert and Sullivan.
" Hello, "Kiss Me Kate.
" I'm having difficulty processing this.
- Wow, you know your musical shit.
- Dude, I love musicals.
People are talking, and then all of a sudden, they just start singing.
- Mm.
- And strangers all know - the exact same dance moves.
- Mm-hmm.
And some random chorus girl - becomes the star of the show.
- Yes! - I mean, musicals go hard as fuck.
- Amen.
Amen.
That's right, they do.
- Welcome to the chorus.
- Squee! That's the score.
Learn it tonight.
Hell yes Open pit barbecue sauce, more sauce Open pit barbecue sauce, more sauce What are you so excited about? - We're just in the chorus.
- Oh, seriously, dude.
- It's opening night! - Yeah? And there's a critic out there.
Oh, and plus if you don't solve the mystery in time, someone might get their balls cut off.
John, I love this.
This is the passion of live performance.
Human connection people coming together, sharing their stories, - singing their truth.
- Wow.
Five minutes, people.
- Five minutes to curtain.
- Thank you, five minutes.
All right, dude, you ready to reach for the stars? - I suppose so.
- Musicals on three.
One, two, three.
- Musicals.
- Musi Can't find my footing I'm feeling unsteady Slipping around on the guts Of my enemies spilled On the floor like spaghetti My head won't stop spinning Is it justice I'm feeling? Chopping up all of these assholes was truly appealing Places for Act 2.
We've got a problem.
What? Are those Brett's balls? No, they're sheep's eyes.
We use them in scene 4.
But someone dropped them in Brett's tea with this note.
Brett quit the show.
And Jasper is missing now too.
- Wait, what? - Brett's big solo is next, - and we have no one to sing it.
Unless - Me? I mean, of course I did learn the solo by heart, but I'm just a chorus girl.
- I couldn't possibly - Ugh, okay.
So inspirational speeches are for dads, but I need you.
This audience needs you.
This musical needs you.
This is your chance to shine.
- You need to save this show.
- Really? This is like being in a real musical.
Now go out there and melt their hearts.
You are cordially invited To my sexist chainsaw massacre Death's me destination, lady You'll be my next passenger I'm gonna trap you like a mouse Then slay you in me slaughterhouse Welcome to me good old-fashioned Sexist chainsaw massacre He's gonna trap you like a mouse Then slay you in his slaughterhouse Welcome to his good old-fashioned Sexist chainsaw massacre Places for Act 3, everyone! - Whoo! How'd I do? How was I? - I-I don't know.
- I saw Kaydee in the audience.
- What? I might have been hallucinating, maybe.
This musical's really violent.
It's kinda freaking me out.
Oh, come on.
It's not that bad.
- Where are my pig entrails? Okay, focus.
We've got a ball-chopper-offer to apprehend and there's only one more act.
I know, but all the blood and guts - it's freaking me out, David.
- Okay, breathe.
Just keep telling yourself It's only a musical - Do I have to sing it? - Totally All right.
Musical theater can't hurt anyone It's all pretend, ha-cha-cha I actually feel better.
Okay, good luck not getting castrated! Thank you Yo, lady, please don't hurt me.
I'm gonna stab, chop, slice 'n dice I'm gonna stab, chop, slice 'n dice You fucked around - And now you're gonna find out - Oh, God, no Gonna gouge you with this kitchen knife Gonna make you scream and shout - Please don't do that - You'll rue the day You held me down and had your way Gonna serve your nuts on a silver tray Stop! That is a real knife.
Liselle, it's curtains for you.
- Wordplay.
- Ahh.
Incredible.
Bravo.
Bravo.
Musicals! So how did you know it was Liselle? Well, if Brett was too scared to do the show, Jasper would have taken his place.
But Jasper didn't care about musicals.
When I asked him about Stanislavski's System, he started talking about functional equations and cones.
Um He was thinking about Stanley's reciprocity theorem.
Ah.
Yeah, you know, Jasper was a math nerd, - not a theater nerd.
- So Liselle wanted Jasper on stage because she would have had the spotlight to herself.
Exactly, but when you stepped in, Liselle decided to try turning you into a Soprano.
Yeah.
She knew I was a threat.
The ironic thing is Liselle didn't need to do all this to shine.
She is a good actor.
I almost believed she didn't know who replaced the prop knife with a real one.
- Whoa.
- What? - Your houseboat is on fire.
- No, don't worry.
I'm just hallucinating again.
If you're hallucinating, why am I seeing it? Uh oh.
Houseboat on fire! I'm gonna stab, choke, slice 'n dice I'm gonna stab, choke, slice 'n dice I'm gonna stab, chop Kaydee Festermeyer! I know it's you! You want a war, you've got one!