Doug (1991) s02e06 Episode Script

( yelps )
( barks )
( electric guitar playing )
( man singing scat )
( barks )
COOL! WHOA!
( thwack )
( barks )
Doug ( in French accent ):
IT IS I, JEAN-CLAUDE FUNNIE
AND MY PARTNER,
JEAN-LUC VALENTINE
LEADING THE PACK
AT 300 MILES PER HOUR.
OUR OPPONENTS--
THEY ARE NO MATCH FOR US.
NOTHING WILL STOP US NOW.
( footsteps )
( hinge creaks )
( barks )
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
( barks )
( yelps )
"FIRST ANNUAL MT. SAINT BUSTER
DOWNHILL RALLY-- BIG PRIZES."
WHEN WE SAW THAT POSTER, WE KNEW
WE WERE DESTINED FOR VICTORY.
Man over loudspeaker:
Attention, all young persons.
Sign up for the Mt. Saint Buster
downhill speed-race today.
COME ON, DOUG.
SOON RACING FEVER HAD SPREAD
ALL OVER BLUFFINGTON.
AS YOUR MAYOR, I'M PROUD TO SEE
ALL YOU YOUNG PERSONS
IN PURSUIT OF THE PRIZE.
YOU KNOW, PRIZES ARE
IMPORTANT, AREN'T THEY?
AH, CUT THE CHIN-WAG.
GET TO THE PRIZES.
YES WELL, THE THIRD PLACE
WINNER GETS A VERY BIG TROPHY
OF ME, THE MAYOR.
SECOND PRIZE WILL BE
AN EVEN BIGGER TROPHY OF ME.
AND FOR FIRST PLACE,
A VERY SPECIAL AWARD
I KNOW, ANOTHER GOOFY
TROPHY-- BIG DEAL.
THE TOP-SECRE
MYSTERY GRAND PRIZE.
HUH?
Mayor:
SO START BUILDING
THOSE DOWNHILL
RACERS.
GOOD LUCK-- VOTE FOR ME.
WOW! A MYSTERY PRIZE!
WHAT DO YOU THINK
IT IS, DOUG?
I'LL TELL YOU
AFTER I WIN IT.
WE'LL TELL YOU
AFTER WE WIN, ROGER.
DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH.
I CAN BEAT YOU TWO
ANY DAY OF
THE WEEK, FUNNIE.
OH, YEAH?
OKAY, SO IT WASN'
MY BEST COMEBACK
BUT AT LEAST ROGER KNEW
I HAD ACCEPTED HIS CHALLENGE.
SKEETER AND I JOINED FORCES
TO BUILD THE WORLD'S
PERFECT DOWNHILL RACER.
WE DREW A LOT OF MODELS
BEFORE WE HIT THE RIGHT ONE.
WE KEPT DREAMING ABOUT WHA
THAT MYSTERY PRIZE COULD BE.
MAYBE A 40-SPEED MOUNTAIN BIKE.
Skeeter:
OR A WHOLE NEW WARDROBE.
Doug:
OR A NIGHT ON THE TOWN FOR TWO.
MY, MY, MY AIN'T THAT PRETTY!
( meowing )
ROGER, WHAT DO YOU WANT?
OH, JUST CHECKING OU
MY COMPETITION.
HEY, BEEBE AND
CHALKY'S CAR LOOKS
JUST LIKE YOURS.
HUH?
YEAH, I BET THEY SNUCK IN HERE
AND COPIED YOUR GENIUS DESIGN.
YEAH, RIGHT, ROGER.
SUIT YOURSELF, BUT DON'
SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU.
DOUG, YOU DON'T THINK
BEEBE AND CHALKY WOULD
NO WAY, MAN.
THEY'RE OUR FRIENDS.
YEAH, WHY
WOULD ANYONE
STEAL OUR DESIGN
JUST TO WIN
THE INCREDIBLE
MYSTERY PRIZE.
( both yell )
( snickering )
IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE
OUR RACER, SKEETER.
THE WHEELS ARE
ROUND LIKE OURS.
ROGER SENT US ON
A WILD GOOSE CHASE.
LET'S GET OUT OF.
ALL RIGHT,
YOU TWO.
BEEBE, WE
WEREN'T SPYING.
WE JUST WANTED
TO PROTECT OUR DESIGN.
MY DADDY FLEW IN THE WORLD'S
BEST AUTOMOTIVE ENGINEERS.
WHY WOULD WE STEAL
YOUR CRUMMY DESIGN?
HEY, I BE
THEY CAME
TO COPY
OUR DESIGN.
NO WAY, MAN.
OUR DESIGN IS A WINNER.
THAT MYSTERY PRIZE IS OURS.
( blowing whistle )
WE'RE GOING
TO START OVER,
AND THIS TIME
I WANT DOUBLE-SECRE
SECURITY ON MY RACER.
NO ONE SEES IT UNTIL
THE DAY OF THE RACE
AND I MEAN NO ONE.
Skeeter:
SO BEEBE HAS AN
ARMY OF ENGINEERS.
WILL THAT STOP US?
Doug:
NO WAY, MAN.
SURE SHE'S GOT MONEY
BUT WE'VE GO
BRAINS AND TALENT.
CHECK IT OUT, DOUG.
THAT'S GOOD,
SOLID WORKMANSHIP.
THEY DON'T MAKE THEM
LIKE THIS ANYMORE.
( exhaling )
WE'VE BEEN SABOTAGED.
ROGER!
ROGER!
WE'LL BUILD AN
EVEN BETTER RACER
AND NO ONE SEES I
BEFORE THE RACE.
AND I MEAN NO ONE!
THANKS FOR
LETTING US USE
YOUR TOOL SHED,
MR. DINK.
NO PROBLEMO, DOUGLAS.
I'VE BEEN DYING
TO TRY OU
MY NEW, VERY EXPENSIVE
SECURITY SYSTEM.
THAT'S GREAT, MR. DINK,
BECAUSE THIS IS TOP SECRET.
WE WORKED LIKE CRAZY
FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK
AND WITH MR. DINK'S
SECURITY SYSTEM
NO ONE WOULD SEE OUR SUPER-
SECRET RACER BEFORE THE RACE.
( alarm )
RADAR'S PICKING UP
AN INTRUDER.
Electronic voice:
We're vicious guard dogs--
Woof, woof!
DOUG? YOUR MOM SAID
YOU WERE HERE.
SORRY, YOU HAVE TO
PASS THROUGH SECURITY.
I WANT TO BORROW A HAMMER.
CAN'T YOU OPEN THE DOOR?
JUST A MINUTE.
Mayonnaise, Patti, positive i.d.
You may enter.
PATTI?
WHERE'D SHE GO?
HEY, ALL.
( boys gasp )
PATTI, HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?
I USED THE SIDE DOOR.
IS THA
ALL RIGHT?
SORRY, PATTI.
WE'RE A LITTLE JUMPY
ABOUT THE RACE.
EVERYBODY'S
GOING SO CRAZY
ABOUT THAT MYSTERY
FIRST PRIZE.
IS THA
YOUR RACER?
NEAT! CAN I
SEE IT?
NO.
HERE, PATTI.
SEE YOU.
YOU GUYS DON'T THINK
I'M TRYING TO?
NO, NO
WHATEVER GAVE YOU
THAT IDEA?
OKAY, GUYS,
I CAN TAKE A HINT.
I'LL SEE
YOU TWO LATER.
WELL PATTI,
I DIDN'T MEAN
OH, MAN.
( shouting and cheering )
FINALLY, IT WAS
THE DAY OF THE RACE
AND WE WEREN'T THE
ONLY ONES ACTING CRAZY.
YOUNG PERSONS TO YOUR CARS.
GOOD LUCK, DOUG.
YEAH, THANKS,
YOU TOO.
( gasping )
UH-OH.
I THINK
WE'LL NEED IT.
( gulp )
CHECK IT OUT, FUNNIE--
AERODYNAMIC.
( honks )
WHEW!
Mayor:
RACERS, TO YOUR MARKS,
GET SET
BANG!
( metal scraping )
HEY, DOUG, I THINK
ROGER'S TRYING
TO RUN US
OFF THE ROAD.
OH, YEAH?
WATCH OUT, DOUG!
( screams )
FUNNIE AND VALENTINE MOVE
INTO SECOND PLACE.
Skeeter:
ROGER'S RACER GOT A BROKEN NOSE.
WAY TO GO, DOUG.
LET'S PASS
BEEBE AND CHALKY.
( tires screeching )
WE'RE DOING IT.
WE'RE WINNING.
YEAH, THERE'S
THE FINISH LINE.
MAN, THIS CALLS
FOR SOME VICTORY MUSIC.
CHALKY, THAT'S
NOT THE RADIO.
THAT'S THE
THE AIR BAG!
LOOK!
LOOK!
( screaming )
Doug:
THEY'RE IN TROUBLE, SKEET.
PARTNER, WE CAN
EITHER WIN,
OR HELP THEM.
YEAH, LET'S DO IT.
HANG ON, BEEBE.
WE'RE COMING,
CHALKY.
HELP IS HERE.
( crying )
WE'LL GE
YOU OUT.
HERE YOU GO.
ALMOST GOT YOU.
WHOA!
SAYONARA, SUCKERS.
HELLO, MYSTERY GRAND PRIZE.
( laughing )
THANKS, GUYS.
YEAH, YOU'RE
A LIFESAVER.
THAT WAS REALLY
SOMETHING, DOUG.
YOU GUYS
COULD HAVE WON.
YEAH WELL.
Mayor:
THE THIRD PLACE TROPHY GOES
TO DENNY HENDERSON.
SECOND PLACE GOES
TO KAY SCHROEDER.
AND OUR MYSTERY GRAND PRIZE GOES
TO ROGER KLOTZ.
I WON!
I WON!
( honking )
OH, BOY, HERE IT COMES.
HERE IT COMES!
Mayor:
EXCITED, YOU BET HE IS.
SO ROGER WON
THE MYSTERY GRAND PRIZE
THAT EVERYONE
THOUGHT THEY WANTED--
A WEEK AS VICE-MAYOR
OF BLUFFINGTON.
TAKE A LETTER, MR. KLOTZ.
"DEAR CITIZEN OF BLUFFINGTON,
VOTE FOR ME.
SIGNED, THE MAYOR."
TAKE ANOTHER LETTER.
"DEAR MOTHER, VOTE FOR ME.
SIGNED, YOUR SON THE MAYOR."
EVEN THOUGH WE DIDN'T WIN,
I'M GLAD I HELPED MY FRIENDS.
AFTER ALL, THERE ARE
MORE IMPORTANT THINGS
THAN WINNING A RACE.
"THE ANNUAL BLUFFINGTON
DOGSLED RACE"?
FIRST PRIZE, A FREE TRIP
TO THE NORTH POLE.
WOW! PORKCHOP,
WE CAN WIN THIS THING.
PORKCHOP?
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
WINNING A DOGSLED RACE
WOULD BE COOL.
AW, COME ON, MAN.
PORKCHOP, I'LL TEACH
YOU HOW TO MUSH.
( thunder )
IT WAS THE NIGH
OF JUDY'S SCHOOL DANCE.
BREAK OUT THE UMBRELLAS,
EVERYBODY.
A STORM IS COMING.
MOM AND DAD WERE
ON THE REFRESHMENT COMMITTEE.
THEY GOT MRS. DINK
TO HELP OUT, TOO.
PHIL, GIVE ME A HAND
WITH THIS CAKE.
WHOA, WATCH IT!
GOT IT.
( chuckling )
AND I WAS GOING TO BE ON MY OWN.
NOT TOO MUCH TV
WHILE WE'RE GONE,
DOUGLAS.
AND AS ALWAYS,
DEAR BROTHER
IF YOU GO IN MY ROOM,
I SHALL KILL YOU.
JUDY,
A FASHION TIP:
LOSE THE HAT AND SHADES.
GOING TO A SCHOOL DANCE
WITH MY PARENTS.
THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING.
RELAX, JUDY.
YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY
HAVE FUN TONIGHT.
MOTHER I AM NO
GOING TO HAVE FUN.
THIS IS RESEARCH FOR MY PAR
IN THE NEXT SCHOOL PLAY:
"TEENAGE BIMBOS
FROM PLANET EARTH."
AS THE LEAD BIMBO
I'VE GO
TO EXPERIENCE
BEING A TYPICAL
SHALLOW TEENAGER.
TO LOOK INTO THEIR EMPTY HEADS
AND GET INTO
THE CHARACTER'S
VACUOUS SOUL.
GET INTO THIS RAINCOAT FIRST,
DEAR, OR YOU'LL GET SOAKED.
HERE YOU GO, MISTER.
ORDER YOURSELF
A PIZZA FOR SUPPER.
HEY, THANKS, DAD.
SEE YOU.
HAVE A NICE TIME.
THE EMERGENCY NUMBERS
ARE POSTED, DOUGLAS:
POLICE, FIRE DEPARTMENT, VET.
IF ALL ELSE FAILS, DON'T FORGET,
BUD'S RIGHT NEXT DOOR.
THANKS, MRS. DINK, I'LL BE OKAY.
I HATE IT WHEN GROWNUPS TREAT ME
LIKE I'M A BABY OR SOMETHING.
I MEAN, IT'S NO BIG DEAL
TO STAY HOME
AND HAVE THE WHOLE HOUSE
TO MYSELF ALL NIGHT LONG.
ALL RIGHT!
( footsteps )
( hinge creaks )
( barks )
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
( barks )
( yelps )
( rock music blasting )
( burps )
YEE-HAW!
HELLO, SPEEDY PIZZA?
I WANT EVERYTHING,
WITH EVERYTHING ON IT.
HUH?
( bell rings )
UH-OH.
Judy:
I warned you
to stay out of my room.
Now you must die.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
YOU KNOW WHAT, PORKCHOP?
IT JUST DOESN'T GE
ANY BETTER THAN THIS.
( suspenseful music )
Man:
Ah, welcome
to Freak Out Theatre!
and our feature movie,
The Evil House on the Prairie.
COOL.
( whimpers )
It sure is great having the
house all to ourselves tonight.
Isn't that right, Cutlet?
( barking )
THIS MOVIE LOOKS
FAMILIAR, PORKCHOP.
( knocking )
Who is it?
Express telegram.
Gee, Cutlet, is it a telegram
or that low-down bandit
pretending it's a telegram?
IT'S THE BANDIT, YOU DOPE.
DON'T OPEN THE DOOR.
Hurry it up.
Hurry it up, I say.
Hurry it up.
Huh?
( screaming )
( pipe burps )
DID YOU SEE THAT,
PORKCHOP?
THE HOUSE ATE
THE BANDIT.
WAY TO GO.
That's funny.
There's no one out here, Cutlet.
GET OUT OF THE HOUSE, YOU LOSER.
THE HOUSE WILL EAT YOU, TOO.
SOMEONE'S GOT TO WARN HIM.
RUN!
Who are you?
I'm Doug, here
to warn you
How did you
get in here?
I zapped myself with
the remote control.
There's no time
for explanations.
This house will eat you if you
don't get out, and I mean now.
( gasps )
Get out before it's
too late, get out!
Oh, Porkchop!
the remote control!
( barking )
( gasps )
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK THIS MOVIE'S
TOO SCARY FOR YOU, PORKCHOP.
( knocking )
( yells )
WHO'S?
WHO'S THERE?
DELIVERY.
SPEEDY PIZZA.
SPEEDY PIZZA--
I CALLED OVER AN HOUR AGO.
YES, THEY SHOULD CHANGE
THE NAME, SHOULDN'T THEY?
MAYBE THEY'RE THE PIZZA GUYS
AND MAYBE NOT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, PORKCHOP?
HELLO,
ARE YOU THERE?
Doug:
YOO-HOO,
DOWN HERE.
JUST SLIP IT THROUGH THE SLO
AND I'LL PAY.
HUH?
HUH?
MMM
( thunder )
Doug:
I'M NOT AFRAID OF THE STORM.
WHY SHOULD I BE?
ONLY A LOSER WOULD BE
AFRAID OF A STORM.
I'M NOT AFRAID OF THE STORM.
I'M NOT AFRAID OF THE STORM.
( telephone ringing )
HELLO?
HEY, DOUG,
COOL STORM, HUH?
YEAH
HI, SKEETER.
JUST ME AND PORKCHOP HERE.
GOT THE HOUSE TO OURSELVES.
OUR ELECTRICITY WENT OUT.
I'M WATCHING TV BY CANDLELIGHT.
HOW CAN YOU WATCH TV
WITHOUT ELECTRICITY?
I JUST KIND OF FAKE IT.
OH, MAN, NOT ANOTHER COMMERCIAL.
WELL, AT LEAS
OUR PHONES ARE WORKING.
HELLO, SKEETER? SKEETER?
OH, GREAT!
WHAT MORE CAN GO WRONG?
OH, PERFECT.
( screaming )
COME ON, PORKCHOP,
WE'RE BLUFF SCOUTS.
WE KNOW WHA
TO DO, RIGHT?
GO DOWNSTAIRS AND RESE
THE CIRCUIT BREAKERS.
COME ON, BOY.
WE'VE BEEN DOWN THERE
A ZILLION TIMES.
HERE WE COME ALL OF US.
YEP, YOU AND ME AND ALL OF US,
DOWN THE BASEMEN
AND I'M NOT PORKOUS,
ARE YOU, NERVE-CHOP?
( Porkchop whimpering )
( growling and roaring )
( Doug wailing )
Monster:
WHAT DO YOU
WANT, BOY?
THIS IS
OUR HOUSE.
THIS IS THE EVIL HOUSE
ON JUMBO STREET.
YOU DON'T BELONG HERE.
( yelling )
Monsters:
GET OUT BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.
( sighs )
I HATE IT DOWN HERE.
CIRCUIT BREAKER-- I KNOW IT'S
AROUND HERE SOMEPLACE, PORKCHOP.
AHA!
LET'S JUST RESET THIS BABY,
AND EVERYTHING WILL BE A-OKAY.
( footsteps )
WHAT'S THAT?
( footsteps )
SOMEONE'S IN THE HOUSE.
( whimpering )
( floorboards creaking )
SHH!
COME ON, PORKCHOP,
WE'VE GOT TO HIDE.
PORKCHOP, COME HERE, BOY, QUICK.
( gasps )
( doorknob squeaking )
OH, NO,
IT'S TOO LATE.
THIS IS IT, PORKCHOP.
( screaming )
MR. DINK!
HELLO, THERE, DOUGLAS.
PLAYING HIDE-AND-SEEK?
I JUST DROPPED IN
TO MAKE SURE YOU TWO
WERE ALL RIGHT.
I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE
A LITTLE SPOOKED
ON ACCOUNT OF THE STORM
AND EVERYTHING.
THANKS, MR. DINK.
I THINK I'LL SURVIVE.
HEY, SPEAKING OF SURVIVAL, MAYBE
I SHOULD KEEP YOU COMPANY, HUH?
NO, REALLY.
THANKS, MR. DINK,
BUT I'M OKAY NOW.
OH WELL, YOU ARE?
MR. DINK, YOU'RE NO
SCARED, ARE YOU?
WHO, ME?
( laughs )
NO.
WHATEVER GAVE YOU
THAT IDEA?
( thunder )
( screams )
LOOK OUT, DOUGLAS,
IT'S THE BIG ONE!
WELL, YOU KNOW, ON
SECOND THOUGHT, MR. DINK
MAYBE YOU SHOULD STAY.
WE'D LIKE THE COMPANY.
WELL, IF
YOU INSIST.
DON'T WORRY, DOUGLAS,
I'LL PROTECT YOU.
( screams )
OH, MY HEART.
HEY, MR. DINK, COULD
YOU GIVE ME A HAND
WITH THESE LOGS?
WE CAN BUILD A FIRE.
WE'LL HAVE A GREAT TIME.
THIS ONE'S A JACKELOPE--
A CROSS BETWEEN
A JACKRABBIT AND
A CANTALOUPE.
HEY, NEAT!
GUESS WHAT THIS IS?
IT'S TIPPY--
ISN'T SHE BEAUTIFUL?
SO I MADE I
THROUGH THE NIGHT OKAY
AND I LEARNED THAT BEING ALONE
CAN SOMETIMES BE A LOT OF FUN
AND SOMETIMES IT CAN BE SCARY
BUT THE BEST PART WAS FINDING
OUT I WASN'T THE ONLY ONE.
( popping sound )
OOH, WHAT'S THAT?
WHOA!
WOW!
WOW!
Doug:
ALL RIGHT!
Mr. Dink:
YAY!