Eagleheart (2010) s02e06 Episode Script
Tinselwood
[ Thunder crashes .]
How's that "In Memoriam" reel coming, Eddie? The awards are tomorrow night.
Just watching it down one more time.
[ Reels click .]
[ Soft music plays .]
Hey, cool! [ Gunshot .]
Wait, no.
[ Gunshot .]
[ Ominous music plays .]
Chris: Beloved editor, eh? The killer added that.
We haven't found any evidence that this editor was loved by anyone.
Chris: Oh, come on, Cappy.
Even a lowly video editor can find somebody with a fatso fetish.
Can you imagine what the bottom of that guy's chair smelled like? Brett: You mean the wheels? Chris: Hey, Brett.
Shut down.
In any event, this beast left behind a new "In Memoriam" reel.
Susie: Great! We can dust for prints.
Oh, no go, Susie.
I already had it dusted for dust.
Damn germophobia.
Susie: Wait a minute.
None of these actors are dead.
That's right, Susie.
But they were all in the cast of the obscure action thriller -- Chris: [ Gasps .]
"Partners in Crime"! Only my favorite movie of all time.
I had Gene Shalit framed for wife beating when he gave it one star.
Susie: Who'd want to kill the cast of "Partners in Crime"? Chris: Welp, dust off your blow noses and jack your valentis.
We're going to Tinselwood.
[ Whip! .]
[ Blink! .]
Brought to you by Gruts feminine cleanser --- don't get mad, get Gruts.
Abelman's lighting rental! Madame Laforge's wax holocaust museum! Susie: Quit looking at landmarks and start looking for clues, Brett.
We've got a case to crack.
Brett: I see a landmark-- world's biggest bitch.
Susie: So, where do we start? Chris: Well, sweetheart, why don't we start with the prime suspect -- that washed-up sack of [bleep.]
Jeff Pooley.
Susie: The failed actor? Chris: Uh-huh.
Susie: I heard he cried himself to death.
Chris: No, honey, he is very much alive.
And if my hunch is correct, he's still bitter about being cut out of "Partners in Crime.
" Susie: So, where do we find him? Chris: [ Mockingly .]
So where do we find him? Ugh! Aah! Why'd he have to go and do a thing like that? [ Boing! .]
Chris: All right, let's see here.
Ah, here we go -- map of the faded stars' homes.
Brett: Does it say where swamp thing lives? Excuse me.
I need something for my allergies.
Susie: Oh, I-I don't work here.
ButI hear these are pretty effective.
Thank you.
Do you sell exit bags? Susie: Oh, try aisle four.
Chris: Okay, Susie, enough of the star sucking.
Let's get out of here.
Pardon me.
I've been in this town 22 years and I've never seen such a natural talent.
Susie: Me? Get out of here.
No! I don't joke about these things.
Missy, you've got "it.
" Susie: [ Chuckling .]
Really?! "It" being what it takes to be a Schwadd's pharmacist.
Susie: [ Gasps .]
Your life is about to change, little lady.
Come with me.
[ Cheering .]
[ Camera shutter clicking .]
Susie: Prescriptions! Extra strength! She's the greatest thing since Gruts! Picking up a prescription for formaldehyde.
Susie: Coming right up, mister! Who's next? [ Laughs .]
Chris: You know, Brett, the only life-form lower than an actor is a failed actor, and this place is lousy with them.
I bet there's a wait list to jump out the window.
Yes? Chris: Hi! Mr.
Pooley, I just want you to know I am such a huge fan of yours.
It's such a pleasure to meet you.
Thanks.
[ Grunts .]
What the hell are you doing?! [ Grunts .]
Chris: I'm here to put you in a movie.
It's called "I'm the guy who confessed to killing the cast of 'Partners in Crime.
'" no, you got the wrong guy, marshal.
Chris: Oh, I don't think so, Pooley.
In fact, I think this might be your big break! [ Bone cracks .]
Ohh, God! Ohh! That isn't me! I ain't bitter.
I-I just spoke to Levain last week.
Brett: Levain? Who's that, some kind of guy? E.
D.
Levain! He -- he wrote and directed "Partners in Crime.
" Chris: I'm listening.
He calls, says he wants to put me in his new movie.
That's right, things are really heating up for me.
There's a lot of buzz around Jeff Pooley these days.
Brett: You know what else has a lot of buzz around it, Pooley? Horse [Bleep.]
Wait a minute.
I-I know you.
I've seen you all over the trades.
Chris: Trades? Brett: Yeah.
Uh-huh.
What's in there? Chris: "Achievement in sticking your nose where it don't belong.
" [ Both chuckle .]
[ Gunshots .]
[ Thud .]
Chris: [ Gasps .]
Pooley! I guess Pooley wasn't the killer after all, huh? [ Groans .]
Chris: What's that? All right.
Okay.
Move.
[ Gurgles .]
Chris: Geez, look at this.
Poor bastard.
Still living in the past.
[ Moans .]
Brett: Wait a second.
Look at the date.
Those are the numbers that mean now.
This -- this script is new.
Chris: Ah.
So, E.
D.
Levain is doing a remake of "Partners in Crime," and somebody is killing his cast members.
Let's pay him a visit.
Looks like there's a new pair of goofballs in town.
[ Honk! .]
[ Click! .]
[ Bong! .]
[ Boing! .]
[ Plink! Plink! Plink! .]
[ Both grunt .]
[ Creak! .]
[ Crash! .]
[ Cheering .]
Susie: What's going on? Joel -- the hot, new pharmacist.
Sorry, Susie.
That's how it is in the pharm biz.
I'll need your coat.
You looking for work? I got a pharma-trunk out in the valley.
I could use a pretty girl like you.
[ Cheering continues .]
Your life is about to change, little lady.
For the worse, I mean.
Just give them what they want, sweetie.
[ Smacks butt .]
Hurry up, skank! I got to go find my kids.
Susie: Okay, here are your painkillers and your date-rape drugs.
Brett: Is this where Levain lives? Chris: Yeah, looks like he's really hit the skids.
Brett: Hey.
That drug dealer looks like my work mom.
[ Indistinct shouting .]
Susie: Jerk! [ Breathing heavily .]
Chris: Susie? Susie: [ Sobbing .]
Chris: Oh, Sus-- oh, honey.
Okay.
All right.
Okay, let's get you up.
Come on, Brett, give me a hand with this, will you? Susie: [ Sniffles .]
Chris: Oh, honey, I warned you about getting involved with this lifestyle.
Just take a look at that.
Susie: [ Gasps .]
Pooley! Chris: I'm starting to have a bunch a' hunch that maybe E.
D.
Levain is involved in all of this.
Susie: Levain? I know that name.
He used to buy formaldehyde from the pharmacy.
Chris: He must be preserving the bodies.
Let's roll! Here's your eggs.
Eggs? I ordered oatmeal! Why do they always give me eggs? [ Gunshots .]
[ Dramatic music plays .]
[ Squeaking .]
Chris: Let's roll that way instead.
[ Bell rings .]
Quiet, please! Quiet on the set.
Get ready to go again! Roll sound! Lights! [ Dramatic music plays .]
Action! Brett: This guy's cuckoo bananas for cocoa puffs and bananas.
Chris: When you're right, you're right, kid.
But I got an idea.
Boom in the shot! Boom in the shot! Chris: And in the director.
[ Dramatic music plays .]
Susie: Why, Levain? Just to do a remake of "Partners in Crime"? Not a remake -- a spoof.
It was going to be the greatest spoof of all time.
But these ungrateful actors didn't want to be in it.
So I had to kill them and shoot the movie with their corpses.
Chris: Too bad nobody's gonna see it.
Brett, take that film outside and burn it.
Then take the ashes to the desert and bury them.
And then, uh, kill yourself so you don't accidentally blab about it, okay? Brett: 10-4.
No! Please, just watch it! Chris: [ Sighs .]
Okay.
[ Projector whirring .]
Brett: Boo! Susie: Shh! Brett: Sorry.
Jackson, I'd like you to meet your new partner! [ Farts .]
This guy stinks! I-I-it's slime time! [ Laughter .]
Chris: [ Gasps .]
Brett: [ Screaming .]
Chris: Oh.
Brett: [ Laughs .]
Aah! [ Laughs .]
Aah! [ Laughs .]
[ Applause .]
Chris: Well, that was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
Finish it, Chris.
Finish it.
Chris: All right.
[ Gun cocks .]
[ Gunshot .]
Susie: I think he meant finish the movie.
Chris: Oh, I know.
I know.
Now, why did they have to go and print a thing like that? [ Both screaming .]
The banger boys have said goodbye they're wearing their marching suits they can hear their little sweethearts sigh to the tattoo of their boots
How's that "In Memoriam" reel coming, Eddie? The awards are tomorrow night.
Just watching it down one more time.
[ Reels click .]
[ Soft music plays .]
Hey, cool! [ Gunshot .]
Wait, no.
[ Gunshot .]
[ Ominous music plays .]
Chris: Beloved editor, eh? The killer added that.
We haven't found any evidence that this editor was loved by anyone.
Chris: Oh, come on, Cappy.
Even a lowly video editor can find somebody with a fatso fetish.
Can you imagine what the bottom of that guy's chair smelled like? Brett: You mean the wheels? Chris: Hey, Brett.
Shut down.
In any event, this beast left behind a new "In Memoriam" reel.
Susie: Great! We can dust for prints.
Oh, no go, Susie.
I already had it dusted for dust.
Damn germophobia.
Susie: Wait a minute.
None of these actors are dead.
That's right, Susie.
But they were all in the cast of the obscure action thriller -- Chris: [ Gasps .]
"Partners in Crime"! Only my favorite movie of all time.
I had Gene Shalit framed for wife beating when he gave it one star.
Susie: Who'd want to kill the cast of "Partners in Crime"? Chris: Welp, dust off your blow noses and jack your valentis.
We're going to Tinselwood.
[ Whip! .]
[ Blink! .]
Brought to you by Gruts feminine cleanser --- don't get mad, get Gruts.
Abelman's lighting rental! Madame Laforge's wax holocaust museum! Susie: Quit looking at landmarks and start looking for clues, Brett.
We've got a case to crack.
Brett: I see a landmark-- world's biggest bitch.
Susie: So, where do we start? Chris: Well, sweetheart, why don't we start with the prime suspect -- that washed-up sack of [bleep.]
Jeff Pooley.
Susie: The failed actor? Chris: Uh-huh.
Susie: I heard he cried himself to death.
Chris: No, honey, he is very much alive.
And if my hunch is correct, he's still bitter about being cut out of "Partners in Crime.
" Susie: So, where do we find him? Chris: [ Mockingly .]
So where do we find him? Ugh! Aah! Why'd he have to go and do a thing like that? [ Boing! .]
Chris: All right, let's see here.
Ah, here we go -- map of the faded stars' homes.
Brett: Does it say where swamp thing lives? Excuse me.
I need something for my allergies.
Susie: Oh, I-I don't work here.
ButI hear these are pretty effective.
Thank you.
Do you sell exit bags? Susie: Oh, try aisle four.
Chris: Okay, Susie, enough of the star sucking.
Let's get out of here.
Pardon me.
I've been in this town 22 years and I've never seen such a natural talent.
Susie: Me? Get out of here.
No! I don't joke about these things.
Missy, you've got "it.
" Susie: [ Chuckling .]
Really?! "It" being what it takes to be a Schwadd's pharmacist.
Susie: [ Gasps .]
Your life is about to change, little lady.
Come with me.
[ Cheering .]
[ Camera shutter clicking .]
Susie: Prescriptions! Extra strength! She's the greatest thing since Gruts! Picking up a prescription for formaldehyde.
Susie: Coming right up, mister! Who's next? [ Laughs .]
Chris: You know, Brett, the only life-form lower than an actor is a failed actor, and this place is lousy with them.
I bet there's a wait list to jump out the window.
Yes? Chris: Hi! Mr.
Pooley, I just want you to know I am such a huge fan of yours.
It's such a pleasure to meet you.
Thanks.
[ Grunts .]
What the hell are you doing?! [ Grunts .]
Chris: I'm here to put you in a movie.
It's called "I'm the guy who confessed to killing the cast of 'Partners in Crime.
'" no, you got the wrong guy, marshal.
Chris: Oh, I don't think so, Pooley.
In fact, I think this might be your big break! [ Bone cracks .]
Ohh, God! Ohh! That isn't me! I ain't bitter.
I-I just spoke to Levain last week.
Brett: Levain? Who's that, some kind of guy? E.
D.
Levain! He -- he wrote and directed "Partners in Crime.
" Chris: I'm listening.
He calls, says he wants to put me in his new movie.
That's right, things are really heating up for me.
There's a lot of buzz around Jeff Pooley these days.
Brett: You know what else has a lot of buzz around it, Pooley? Horse [Bleep.]
Wait a minute.
I-I know you.
I've seen you all over the trades.
Chris: Trades? Brett: Yeah.
Uh-huh.
What's in there? Chris: "Achievement in sticking your nose where it don't belong.
" [ Both chuckle .]
[ Gunshots .]
[ Thud .]
Chris: [ Gasps .]
Pooley! I guess Pooley wasn't the killer after all, huh? [ Groans .]
Chris: What's that? All right.
Okay.
Move.
[ Gurgles .]
Chris: Geez, look at this.
Poor bastard.
Still living in the past.
[ Moans .]
Brett: Wait a second.
Look at the date.
Those are the numbers that mean now.
This -- this script is new.
Chris: Ah.
So, E.
D.
Levain is doing a remake of "Partners in Crime," and somebody is killing his cast members.
Let's pay him a visit.
Looks like there's a new pair of goofballs in town.
[ Honk! .]
[ Click! .]
[ Bong! .]
[ Boing! .]
[ Plink! Plink! Plink! .]
[ Both grunt .]
[ Creak! .]
[ Crash! .]
[ Cheering .]
Susie: What's going on? Joel -- the hot, new pharmacist.
Sorry, Susie.
That's how it is in the pharm biz.
I'll need your coat.
You looking for work? I got a pharma-trunk out in the valley.
I could use a pretty girl like you.
[ Cheering continues .]
Your life is about to change, little lady.
For the worse, I mean.
Just give them what they want, sweetie.
[ Smacks butt .]
Hurry up, skank! I got to go find my kids.
Susie: Okay, here are your painkillers and your date-rape drugs.
Brett: Is this where Levain lives? Chris: Yeah, looks like he's really hit the skids.
Brett: Hey.
That drug dealer looks like my work mom.
[ Indistinct shouting .]
Susie: Jerk! [ Breathing heavily .]
Chris: Susie? Susie: [ Sobbing .]
Chris: Oh, Sus-- oh, honey.
Okay.
All right.
Okay, let's get you up.
Come on, Brett, give me a hand with this, will you? Susie: [ Sniffles .]
Chris: Oh, honey, I warned you about getting involved with this lifestyle.
Just take a look at that.
Susie: [ Gasps .]
Pooley! Chris: I'm starting to have a bunch a' hunch that maybe E.
D.
Levain is involved in all of this.
Susie: Levain? I know that name.
He used to buy formaldehyde from the pharmacy.
Chris: He must be preserving the bodies.
Let's roll! Here's your eggs.
Eggs? I ordered oatmeal! Why do they always give me eggs? [ Gunshots .]
[ Dramatic music plays .]
[ Squeaking .]
Chris: Let's roll that way instead.
[ Bell rings .]
Quiet, please! Quiet on the set.
Get ready to go again! Roll sound! Lights! [ Dramatic music plays .]
Action! Brett: This guy's cuckoo bananas for cocoa puffs and bananas.
Chris: When you're right, you're right, kid.
But I got an idea.
Boom in the shot! Boom in the shot! Chris: And in the director.
[ Dramatic music plays .]
Susie: Why, Levain? Just to do a remake of "Partners in Crime"? Not a remake -- a spoof.
It was going to be the greatest spoof of all time.
But these ungrateful actors didn't want to be in it.
So I had to kill them and shoot the movie with their corpses.
Chris: Too bad nobody's gonna see it.
Brett, take that film outside and burn it.
Then take the ashes to the desert and bury them.
And then, uh, kill yourself so you don't accidentally blab about it, okay? Brett: 10-4.
No! Please, just watch it! Chris: [ Sighs .]
Okay.
[ Projector whirring .]
Brett: Boo! Susie: Shh! Brett: Sorry.
Jackson, I'd like you to meet your new partner! [ Farts .]
This guy stinks! I-I-it's slime time! [ Laughter .]
Chris: [ Gasps .]
Brett: [ Screaming .]
Chris: Oh.
Brett: [ Laughs .]
Aah! [ Laughs .]
Aah! [ Laughs .]
[ Applause .]
Chris: Well, that was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
Finish it, Chris.
Finish it.
Chris: All right.
[ Gun cocks .]
[ Gunshot .]
Susie: I think he meant finish the movie.
Chris: Oh, I know.
I know.
Now, why did they have to go and print a thing like that? [ Both screaming .]
The banger boys have said goodbye they're wearing their marching suits they can hear their little sweethearts sigh to the tattoo of their boots