Eastbound & Down s02e06 Episode Script

I lost everything.
I lost my- My job my friends, my- My future.
But I don't know.
In that loss, you know, I feel like I've - I've found something.
I mean, I found this group.
I found all you guys.
That's right.
For the first time in a long while I can 100 percent motherfucking honestly say I feel good.
There you are.
- Hey, man.
- Hey.
So I just heard the news.
Sounds like you're ready to move on.
I think I am.
- You know what's next, don't you? - Yeah.
- Ninth step.
- Make amends.
That's right.
Take that list you made of people you've wronged.
Start at the top, the person you fucked over the most.
Andrew, seriously there's no way I would have made it the last six months without you.
So it's actually convenient that you're here with me now.
Wanna ask your sponsor one more question? - No.
- Go ahead.
No, I meant actually it's convenient because you're at the top of my list.
I'm at the top? I fucked Linda.
Okay, you fucked my sister.
The- No.
Your-? Isn't your wife's name Linda? You fucked my wife? I did but I thought her name was Linda.
Isn't it Linda? It's Beth.
Beth, right.
Right, no, yeah, Linda was your sister.
- She watched.
- Watched? Yeah.
It's crazy.
But I'm sorry about that and I hope we can make amends.
This is clean-and-sobes full force because I feel like I'm on a new drug.
Just get the fuck out of here.
Well, as long as we're square I feel like it's time to move on down to number two, you know what I mean? Looks like my next stop is Mexico.
Go fuck yourself, Pat.
Stevie, our time here in Mexico has come to an end.
We can't hide in this wasteland forever chasing exotic women.
It's time we get back to the business of living.
Face what awaits us back in America.
Okay, I'll make sure everything is packed properly, Kenny.
And, you know, if you wanna bang that were-woman one more time for the memories, I will allow it.
Are you serious, Kenny? As a heart attack, hombre.
Can I fuck her more than once or just once? Don't lay in her all goddamn day.
You got some packing to do.
Let's just think outside the box for a sec, brainstorm.
Let's make it memorable.
If it's only one time, let's do it up.
- Okay.
- Maybe you go down on her, dude.
Don't be selfish, don't be a sexist.
You don't like that? - Why not? - It smells.
Oh, I- Yeah, I bet it does.
She's always eating all that weird stew and roots and shit.
- What about ATM? - I would stay away from ass-to-mouth.
You don't know what'll affect her immune system.
They have different bacterias and biological things here.
It's just for safety.
- Safety, okay, okay.
- Yeah.
Don't sit there like a dingleberry.
Get to it.
- Okay.
- Go get her, man.
- Okay.
- Go.
Ben Wa balls.
Guess who's sober.
Pat Anderson, what in the fuck are you doing here? I wrapped up treatment, accepted a higher power and now I'm here to knock out that ninth step and make amends.
Why do people think because we're in Mexico it's cool to come into somebody's house and wait for them? I'm gonna cut to it, Kenny.
No bullshit, all truth.
I butt-fucked you hard.
But as a gentleman I've learned to clean up my mess.
Check out that sweet-ass gift basket.
What, you think a mineral bath soak is gonna pay for all the shit you did to me? - There's an iPad in there, Kenny.
- Really? Doesn't matter.
It's gonna take more than a Speak & Spell to win yourself into my good graces.
Oh, yeah? How about a shot at the majors? Would that do the trick? Yeah, right.
Like I'm gonna fall for one of your eight-figure contract deals again.
There's no contract, not yet.
It's just a shot.
But I heard about you playing baseball down here.
There's a scout in Texas who owes me a favor from my party days and he agreed to come down here and sniff you out.
I've been paying attention to what you've been doing and if you play half as well as you have been I think you've got a legitimate shot.
Your friend's wasting his time.
I don't play for the team anymore.
They cut me.
Look, you got every reason in the world not to trust me.
But this could be a game changer, Kenny.
Is there anyone you could talk to about getting back on that team? Well, there is one motherfucker.
Kumite.
What the fuck are you doing here? Why is your voice raised like a scared bitch? I am not scared.
If anybody should be scared it's you.
For stealing my car and smashing up my studio, all because I fucked your lady.
You think that's cool? Do you know what is cool? Paying people back.
You pull that Bruce Lee shit with me, I'll steal that sword and fuck you with it.
No, don't write checks that can bounce.
- My spreadsheets! - Back up! I'll take this goddamn computers and put it through your face like a disk of fucking Tron.
I'll deflect it and cut your arms off, then cut your face before you know what's up.
Well, look at this, huh? A goddamned Mexican standoff in fucking Mexico.
I was hoping to get into one of these before I left.
You are leaving, huh? You wanted to come here first and try to kill me? Not kill you.
Kick your ass and then ask for a favor.
Even though Vida's not the one, you still went behind my back and encouraged her to cheat on me.
Bro, I can't even get her to call me back.
Which sucks because I thought we had something special.
Yeah, well, I thought we had something special too.
Looks like that's her fucking game, huh? I'm sorry, man.
I haven't been acting like myself.
It's been really hard to act normal.
I've been acting weird as shit, bro.
I act like it's no big deal that my parents are dead but it is a big deal.
It hurts my heart.
I cry all the time in my bed by myself.
I know what you're talking about.
I used to be just like you yesterday.
Sad inside and compensating by acting like a fucking cocksucker.
But I saw the light, dude.
I've changed.
I want to see the light.
How did you do it? Well, I went on a personal quest and faced my demons but for you the change could be a lot easier.
- Tell me.
- Let me back on the team.
For one more game.
There's a scout coming and I intend to fuck his world up with my skills.
Or we could finish this duel and murder each other.
No, I can live with like a truce.
If you want to play, you can play.
- I'm sorry, man.
- Come here.
If I can fucking nail this baseball shit tonight I'm going back to America a goddamn champion.
Fucking three days away from sucking on some big old titties.
Are those my clothes? These are your pants and shorts.
Your tops we leave on hangers so they don't get wrinkled.
Dude, don't get all OCD about this shit.
Just get it done.
Kenny, I was wondering what is your policy on last-minute passengers? What last-minute passengers? Wah-wah.
"Wah-wah" what? I know technically I should be asking Maria's father this but in many ways I feel like you are the father to all the Mexicans here plus you are my spiritual leader, you are my friend, you are - - Dude, just- Jesus Christ, spill it.
What? - Okay.
I would like to ask you, Kenny Powers permission to marry Maria and bring her back to America with us.
- Marry her? - Yeah.
Dude, I only told you you could fuck her one time.
Technically, you guys are not even supposed to be dating.
Yeah, I know.
I know.
But I can't help myself.
It's like all I think about is her and I don't know what to do about it.
Yeah, I know the feeling.
Stevie, marriage is a pretty big step, all right? I mean, do you have any sort of plan of how you'll provide for her financially? I have no plan whatsoever.
And you do realize if you had offspring they would be mixed children? They could be made fun of on the playground.
I was made fun of on the playground and I turned out pretty cool.
You know what? Fuck it.
Just as I have found what I'm looking for here maybe it's time you found what you're looking for.
Steven, if you would like to take a Mexican wife - Yes, I would.
If you can balance her and your workload - I think I can.
- Without neglecting duties - I will never neglect my duties.
- Then you have my permission.
Thank you.
Maria has something that she would like to give you.
Cool, a breadmaker.
I was getting pretty sick of eating all these fucking tortillas.
That's a good, good gift.
No, that's just the box it's in.
It's homemade.
Oh, cool, a homemade gift.
I told her on the phone to make a black one but she got confused.
Do you like it? Hey, Kenny.
You look different.
Yeah, obviously.
I've been reborn.
You're kind of bright.
It's hard to look at you.
Yeah, well, people say Jesus Christ had the same effect on fools.
These are the keys to the Denali.
If you find time I'd like you to fix it.
I had Stevie on the motherfucker but he got derailed.
Now it's time for a professional.
Time for a Mexican.
- Where are you going all dressed up? - I'm going to settle some scores.
Today I bring you freedom.
Freedom.
Freedom.
Freedom.
Aw, Fucker! There he goes! Look boss! A man In all white! White.
Mexicans! Oh, Mexicans! For once in your life get off your couches and do something.
This is your last chance to see Kenny Powers.
He lost the love of his life.
He went to Mexico for a change.
He met his father.
He got screwed over in love.
But the thing about Kenny Powers is, when he faces adversity, he moves past it.
Because once Jesus leaves the building he is out of Mexico for good.
Hola, you two.
Nobody get crazy and pop off and go loco.
I come in peace.
Tone, what's up? Very sorry for what I exposed you to last time we met.
I hope you can forgive me for that.
What do you want, Kenny? Well, I thought you two should know that I'm moseying on back to the old U.
S.
of A.
Looks like this gunslinger's work is done here.
You a gunslinger? The short answer to that, Tony, is yes.
Yes, I am.
You kill people? And the short answer to that is also yes.
- Okay.
- Listen to your mom, Tone.
That's a good kid.
How could you bring Tony to Sebastian's? I didn't know I was leading him to watch his mama commit oral adultery.
I thought I was just bringing him there to show him how self-centered you were being.
- What? - None of this matters, all right? Did you hurt my feelings? Yes, you did.
I will give you that victory.
But the one victory you will not have is the most important.
I'll admit, that sweet tailpipe of yours did have me charmed.
It put a spell on me.
But all the ass-magic in Mexico can't change Kenny Powers from his core beliefs.
Not an ass man.
I'm a tit man.
I like big-ass boobs.
Now and forever.
I'm not like a black guy, Vida.
Congratulations.
Don't go getting your feelings hurt.
You and I both knew this wasn't gonna last forever.
You're like the girl the Godfather fucked back in Italy.
You know, what we had was important but the real deal is waiting for me back at home.
I gotta go.
Adiós, Kenny Powers.
Adiós, bubble butt.
Shit.
Charros, I come to you tonight with no theatrics.
Goddamn it, I thought you were through with the Charros.
Yeah, I thought I was too.
But now I have returned for one more fucking game.
I have Sebastian's blessing and I was hoping to get yours.
But why? I don't even know what baseball means to you anymore.
I deserve that.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't here primarily to play for the scout that is rumored to be here tonight.
But there's also a very small part of me - Yet significant part.
- That would always regret how I left things here with the team.
No.
Okay? Team, Roger Benji, bat boy I genuinely am sorry.
I brought you guys up from less than fucking nothing and took you up to a championship level, only to abandon you there.
Leave you high and dry.
Naked and nude prey, easy targets for the competitions to rape and butt-fuck you.
I'm sorry for that.
Actually, we've been playing pretty good.
We've won the last three games, right? Well, don't get too cocky, Roger.
That's probably because there's a little residual Kenny Powers pixie dust floating around your heads.
Let's face it, guys.
After midnight, this whole fucking place turns into a pumpkin and you guys all turn back into mice.
This is a classic Cinderella tale here.
You know, Peter Pan will no longer be a man he'll turn into real boy.
George Washington will never be able to cut down the beanstalk.
You guys will eventually just go back to being the shittiest Mexican baseball team in Mexico.
These are the hard realities, guys.
Life is not a fairytale.
Although sometimes it feels like our world is full of fairies.
You know who I'm talking about.
I still accept you, brother.
Purity, that's what we all desire.
And that is what I've come here to share with you, hence the all whites.
We can do some fucking great things tonight, you guys.
Follow me walk with me out onto that field and when you do, you put your ass out and raise your fucking head up.
Know that you'll never ever, ever reach the heights that you're gonna reach tonight.
But you can leave here knowing that you helped Kenny Powers' dreams come true.
And for a bunch of Mexican baseball players that ain't too bad.
If you're gonna play tonight you're gonna play like everybody else.
No donkey, no smoke bombs, no dick thrusts.
Just pure pitching.
I can fucking dig that.
We're all Mexicans tonight, Kenny.
You're goddamn right we are.
Can we bring it in? Can we bring it in? Come on, bring it in.
Let's do, like, a Mexican fucking chant.
Come on! Let's kick some ass! We're Mexican! Mexico! Mexico! Mexico! I'm a fucking Mexican tonight! I'm a fucking Mexican! I'm a fucking Mexican! All right, I'm gonna go change my clothes.
I don't wanna get shit on my slacks.
Ladies and gentlemen here we are at the stadium for tonight's game and we're about to see a man who is finally a pitcher, Kenny 'Powders'.
Not a clown, but a man who is here to take care of business.
Strike! Strike! April's tits.
You're out! You're the best! You are The Man! I'm your # 1 fan! Finally, motherfuckers.
Hey, great juego, homes.
Take it easy, Carlos.
See you, Juanito.
Take care of them warts.
You threw a hell of a game, Kenny.
Game ball.
Thanks, Roger.
I'll put this with my collection of personal achievements.
I mean, not right next to the good shit but still.
Kenny Powers! Sweet-ass game, motherfucker.
I'm so proud of you, man.
All right.
Too hot for hugs here, man.
I've been battling the war on swamp ass since I've been here.
Put talcum powder on the grundel, keep it fresh.
- Talcum? - Yes, sir.
Roy McDaniel, scout from Texas.
Like what I saw out there tonight.
You weren't bullshitting.
I was not.
This is the scout from Texas.
P- A-T told me you were throwing grenades down here.
I got in my Escalade.
To Mexico? That's when you came.
- To see you.
- To see me.
- Yes, sir.
- Yeah.
What do you think? Does Texas want a fucking taste? Well, they want to nibble, all right? There is a difference between mowing down Mexicans down here than mowing down the big boys up in major leagues.
Yeah, they don't speak the same language.
It's a different level of player but - But still, it's still very difficult.
- It's very hotter down here.
- You look good.
I don't think you're ready for the bigs yet.
- I don't, but - - Pat, you motherfucker.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Wasting my time again? Don't motherfuck Pat.
Pat's been on your side.
No.
You don't know the history.
Pat has fucked me.
Just listen to the man, listen to the man.
I was ready to go home, get the girl of my dreams.
- Came here wasting time - - Kenny Powers.
Pat got you in the door, he got me down here.
I came with good news.
Myrtle Beach.
You come there, show me the stuff you got on the mound tonight in camp, I don't see why you can't play for our double A team.
- Double A, huh? - Double A.
So we're talking minors? We're talking camp, then minors.
We're talking come to the team, throw one game show everyone what I got, into the bigs.
Probably more than one game, to be fair.
Maybe two games, smoke them into the bigs.
Maybe more than two.
What I'm saying is you'll be on your way.
I'm talking about getting you back into American baseball.
All right, well, that does sound enticing.
You gotta trust me.
I'm not down here to tickle fucking balls.
I hope not.
I chased my dream, I got it.
I sucked my dream's cock.
I'm gay, and I'm fucking proud of it.
No, that's cool.
You know, pride is great.
Whatever raises your skirt.
If you wanna wear a skirt I'm not gonna fucking judge you for it.
You wanna get back in big leagues? - I'm ready.
- Follow me.
I like how we talk.
Fucking lick it.
Spring training, Myrtle Beach.
Kenny, it is time to quit tickling balls and start sucking your dream's dick.
If that's what it takes, then a cocking dream it will be sucked upon.
- Swallow that motherfucker.
- Swallow it.
- Suck it, suck the dick.
- Eat it.
Let's suck my dream's dick.
- Fight on it, big boy! - I like this guy.
We gonna party in Myrtle Beach? - Suck a dream's dick.
- Let's party tonight.
I wish I could.
I got some Mexican cake at my hotel room.
- I'm in.
- Let's fucking smear it all over each other.
We're fucking celebrating, man.
Let's do this.
I got a mission to complete.
- See your ass in Myrtle Beach.
- Myrtle.
- Kenny Powers.
- Myrtle, K.
P.
Chapter 17: Done and Fucking Done.
Just like that the journey is over.
Depression is finished, you're on your way back to the world of the living, smiling regular people.
The road has been paved with dickheads, backstabbers and pains in the fucking ass.
But memories were made, allies were had pole smokers were toppled and the truth was discovered.
And like any journey, if you stay the course the road might just show you what you need.
All you gotta do is keep your eyes on the road and your foot on the fucking gas.
Do you like it? Yeah, I mean did I like it how it was before, regular style? Yes.
But I'm sure I'll get to like this style too, man.
- Change is good, my friend.
- That it is.
You're a good neighbor, hombre.
You can take that with you to the grave.
Look at these two little banditos.
I know we didn't always agree on music or leisure sports but I am gonna miss y'all.
Slap it there.
There we go.
Put it there, buddy.
Put a shirt on, man.
I got something for you.
He's yours.
Whenever I look at a Mexican I will think of you.
Whenever you look at that jackass, you think of me.
Okay? Miss you, buddy.
They'll take care of you.
Come on, he's yours.
Here, come on, get on him.
Just be careful about the back legs.
He will kick you in the face.
I'm serious.
All right, guys, come on, time to make tracks.
- Time to go.
- Catuey's wife, grandma lady I know that we always didn't communicate.
I don't think we ever really got over that language barrier.
No, it's not your fault.
- What the fuck? You speak English? - Of course I do.
You've spoke English the whole time? I speak English since I was 5.
- Five years old? - And I have 84 now.
You don't look a day over 110.
All the talks we could've had, all the wisdom you could've shared.
Crazy I find this out right now, as soon as I'm leaving this fucking country.
Well, it's nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.
- Thank you.
Stevie, Maria, let's dance our way on out of here, huh? - Gotta go.
- Gotta go.
Let's do it.
- Adiós, you guys.
- Adiós.
I love you too.
I love you too.
Bye, Catuey.
Adiós, Mexico.