Episodes s02e06 Episode Script

They want us to refocus the show on the boys and less on you and Morning.
They think Stoke is a break-out star.
With the hair?! It always comes down to the fucking hair! I'm sure it's just swollen.
It'll come down.
It already came down.
It's a cheek implant.
It's supposed to be up! Is it terrible? Um, why don't you, er, go over to the set and, er, so, so we can see it in the light.
OK.
Yeah, cos light's gonna help! How long has she been stalking you? I met her when she was like eight.
She was one of those Make A Wish kids.
Oh my God! I slept with her once.
Once! Oh, God! She was 18 and really cute, once her hair grew back.
I believe you will burn in hell.
Ah, what are you going to do about it?! Hi.
Jesus! Fuck! I was hoping you wouldn't come home yet.
The cookies aren't ready.
How the hell did you get in here?! The laundry room window was open.
You know, you should talk to Rosa, cos that's not smart.
OK, the fact that you know my housekeeper's name may be the scariest thing out of a lot of scary things.
You want milk with your cookies? No! Beer? Sure.
So, is this place a rental? Because it doesn't really feel like you.
Yeah, it's a rental.
It's closer to the studio.
That makes sense.
Because the commute to your beach place is nuts.
Whenever I drive out there to sit in front of your house, the traffic, oh, my God, it's like this is almost not worth it.
Where are your clothes? Why? Why?! Because you're standing here in my house naked! I'm not naked.
I like to leave a little mystery.
Yeah.
It's like Agatha Christie down there.
I could take them off if you want.
No! I want you to put the rest of your shit on and go.
Go! Why are you being so mean? I'm making you cookies.
I'm not being mean.
I'm tired and I want to go to bed.
Alone.
You are being mean.
I have cancer.
You HAD cancer.
And you survived.
And you're healthy, and that's awesome.
And it's why I feel OK saying to you get the fuck out of my house, you crazy Loony Tunes freak! Oh! My cookies.
All right.
I'm calling the police.
If you don't want to be here when they come, you should go now.
OK.
I love you so much.
I know.
No-one will ever love you like I do.
Uh-huh.
I mean it.
I would die for you.
Yeah, but you didn't.
So, how are we doing here? Almost done.
It just has to set.
And this is really going to work? Absolutely.
These men are wizards, they can do anything.
It is going to work, right? Got me.
Beverly, this is my kid brother, Rob.
Feel free to hit him.
Oh, what, oh, so you're not one of the special effects wizards? Oh, no, no, no, no, I just drove her in.
What do you say we take a look at this on camera? Ho, ho, she is really feeling those pain pills.
Sorry? "Kid brother?" She stopped telling people I was her kid brother 20 years ago.
You're not really, are you? What? Younger? Three years.
Hey, I don't have a team of doctors working on me full-time.
But on the other hand, both my cheeks are in the right place.
Well it's insane.
Why does she do it? She's so beautiful.
Sure, now.
You see, it just misses it.
Yo.
'Hold for Merc Lapidus' Oh! Matty! Mercky! 'You know that Man of the Year thing you're going to be giving me?' Do you know what you're going to say yet? Well no, not yet.
I've still got a couple of weeks, right? Oh yeah, yeah.
By the way, if you're doing any jokes, maybe don't mention the bald thing.
I'm thinking of getting these microplugs.
I'd rather not shine a light up there, if you know what I mean? What are you talking about? You don't need microplugs, you look great.
Ah, you're sweet.
Listen, there was one other thing.
Sure.
We've started talking about what we want to promote for sweeps.
And we really want to make a push for Pucks! So, we need something big.
Maybe you could get that kid to grow his hair a little longer.
'I'd watch that.
' Ah, funny.
Well, here's what I'm thinking Any chance you could get one of the other Friends to do a guest spot? Yeah, here's what's a little weird.
A couple of weeks ago you're cutting my part down to nothing.
Now you're calling asking me for favours 'Hey, hey, hey, it's all for the good of the show.
' Totally get that.
But right now I'm also thinking about the good of me.
OK, how about this? You get me one of the Friends and I give you my word all of our Pucks! Promotion will be about you.
And not about the hair.
No hair.
I said, no hair.
All right, let me make a few calls.
Great.
And hey, listen, we gotta do lunch again soon.
I miss you, you bastard.
Absolutely.
Any time, I'd love it.
Asshole! Douche bag! Right.
Here's our lovely Morning Randolph, "before", looking a tad blue-ish.
And here, forty thousand dollars later, is how she's going to look on TV.
Wow! Seriously you guys, thank you.
You've saved my life.
Well, it's all in a day's work if you've got a very strange job.
Right, catastrophe averted.
Why don't we all get back to work? Isn't that amazing? Yeah.
Rather blase.
Er, I was in Lost In Space.
We weren't actually "lost in space.
" Ah.
Didn't see it.
Really? Hmm.
I've seen all your movies.
Hey, can I talk to you for a sec? Sure.
What's up? My brother thought you were great.
And he doesn't like anyone.
A man after my own heart.
Anyway, he wanted to know if you were available, so, I said I'd suss it out.
So, this is me sussing.
Oh, good-goodness.
Um Well, why don't we suss over here? Oh, gotcha.
Er, I think your brother is very nice, but, um, I'm not doing anything until I'm certain what's happening with, er me and Sean.
Oh.
Wow.
OK, sure.
Absolutely.
No problem.
Aw.
I'm getting pity looks from Morning.
Pity looks! My life has hit a new low.
Aww.
I don't need them from you, too.
Oh, I'm sorry, I just oh.
Look, I think it's great you're waiting for Sean, but I've got to say, at a certain point, don't you think it's maybe time to think about Moving on? Yeah.
We're going to have the "moving on" conversation again.
Well Which, by the way, coming from you is so steeped in irony.
Hey! No need to get mean.
Let's keep it hikey here.
Sorry.
So, how is the brother? Is he cute? Oh, I'd say way past cute.
Like hot? Not that I'd notice, but, oh, my God! Oh.
Oh.
Then maybe one date.
One date.
A cup of coffee with a guy is hardly moving on.
No.
Oh No, no, no! Meanwhile, has Sean been doing any moving on? Tell me.
I found out he had a little thing with Morning.
Shut the front door! Apparently it was just one time.
That is crazy! And now she's trying to fix you up with her brother! Oh.
How wild would it be if Sean ended up with Morning and you ended up with the brother? Oh! I am so going to make that a show! Oh, come on.
A husband and wife get divorced and hook up with a brother and sister? If someone pitched me that, I'd buy it in the room! Oh! Unless you and Sean want to write it! I mean it.
I will guarantee you six on the air, right here! On this trail.
Lisa Kudrow! Hey! It's Matt LeBlanc.
Hello? Oh, you didn't say anything, so How are you? Well, "fine" is good.
Better than not fine.
So, er, listen, you know I got this little TV show, right? Well, I do.
Now, I know you're really, really busy, but any chance you might want to do a guest thing? Apologise? For what? I said that? Was I drunk? No, no, I'm not saying that makes it OK, but Well, if I said that, I OK, OK, no, I believe you, I said it.
Well, I am incredibly sorry.
Lisa Lisa.
Lisa! I don't know what more I can say.
I apologise.
But seriously, a person can't make an innocent comment one time and? Jesus! When did I say that?! David, David, David I don't know what joke you're talking about.
Tell me what I said to you.
How is that anti-Semitic? Oh.
No, I can see that.
You've got to admit though, it's still kind of funny.
Mr Perry! How the hell are you? So, listen, you know I have this little show, right? I was wondering Who said you're not the first one I called? Schwimmer's an asshole! I never said you were an asshole! No, I did not! I did not! I don't know.
He was probably high.
If I said you were high, I was obviously kidding.
It was a joke! So you and Schwimmer still talk a lot.
Carol from the network called.
Which one's Carol? The one you always say "which one's Carol?" She's right under Merc.
Also literally.
Oh, right.
She was asking where you are on the Friends guest star thing.
Jesus! I'm working on it.
All right.
Well, she just needs to know so they can get started on promotion.
Right.
Well, tell Carol she'll be the first to hear.
Till then she can just back the fuck off.
I may paraphrase.
Hmm.
Is it diminishing at all? Do you need more teeth? Fuck! Anyway, I need a favour.
I have to present this stupid award thing to Merc.
Right, we just got the invitation.
We don't have to go, do we? Probably.
It's a good cause.
Which is? Some opera bullshit.
Ah.
Well, anyway, I was wondering if you guys could write me a little something to say.
Just some crap about Merc for when I present it.
I suppose.
It's not really what we do.
Are you kidding me? You guys will knock it out in two seconds.
It just needs to be funny.
Throw in some bald jokes.
Whatever you come up with will be great, you guys are amazing.
When do you need it? Sooner the better, you know, in case I don't like it, you could take another pass.
Hey.
So I hear we're getting one of the Friends on the show.
Yup.
Awesome.
Very cool, man.
I can't believe we're going to be working with one of the Friends.
Yeah.
Hi, it's Matt LeBlanc for Jennifer.
Oh, OK.
Yeah, I just tried her cell and it doesn't seem to be in service any more.
Can you give me the new number? I'm sure she'll be fine with it.
She gave me the old one, why wouldn't she want me to? Is Alison there? Oh, well when did she leave? Have we met? Well, hello.
Yeah, I can hold.
Oh, shall we get some dinner in? Nah.
We can blow through this.
OK.
So, they introduce Matt.
He comes up on stage.
Applause, applause, applause.
Right.
Then how about something like, "When I was first asked" "to present this award to our Man of the Year," "I thought" What, you thought what? That's all I've got.
Oh.
He should probably start off with something funny.
Definitely.
Ah-ha.
What are you thinking? Pizza or Thai? Thai.
Hmm.
Matt comes out.
Applause, applause, applause.
You don't have to say "applause, applause, applause" each time.
OK, clap, clap, clap.
Maybe Matt goes, "What can I say about my good friend, Merc Lapidus?" What can he say? I don't know, he's not our good friend.
No.
All right.
What do we know about him? Well, he's lied to us repeatedly.
Yeah.
He destroyed our TV show.
Absolutely.
He's cheating on his wife.
Yeah.
Oh, he's only got one testicle.
Has he? Carol told me.
Look, Courtney, I understand.
If you can't do it, you can't do it.
Don't worry about it.
But while I've got you, can you give me Jen's number? Why wouldn't she want to talk to me? It was funny.
People laughed.
I so did not pee on her Emmy.
Because I would never do that.
Yeah, I pulled it out, but I never peed.
Never.
Never! Well, if I dribbled, I'm sorry, but come on.
It was ten years ago! You really won't give me her number? Seriously? You really won't? Fuck you! No, I did not just say fuck you.
All right, how's this? "Being a network president requires many things.
"You need passion, you need perception, "but apparently you don't need hair.
" That's good, I like it, let's do it.
Are you saying that just so we can get out of here? I want to go home! You think I don't?! We don't know how to write this shit! It's not what we do! I know that! Don't yell at me! Why did we agree to do this? Why do we agree to do anything?! I hate us! I hate Matt! I hate Merc! And why are we doing this without alcohol?! What makes you think he has a bottle here? Oh, believe me, Jerry drinks.
You know this for a fact? Sometimes he's drunk in the room.
One of our writers is drunk in our writers' room? You've never noticed? No.
And you're OK with this? It's the only time he's funny.
Oh, bloody bastard! What? He stole my pen.
No.
This is my pen.
Are you sure? Yeah, I'm sure.
I've been looking for it.
This really pisses me off.
But you're OK with him being an alcoholic? We need the jokes.
It's nice.
Is it new? Er "Y-C-O-M-T.
" Oh, it says THAT.
Hmm.
Ha.
Ah, I guess it's not mine.
Sorry, Jerry.
Hello.
There we go.
This is expensive.
You're thinking we shouldn't take it? I'm thinking, if I'd known he had this, I would have been in here a long time ago.
How's your mother? Wow! That wasn't random at all.
I always just remember when we were trying to write that song for their anniversary, how hard it was.
Oh, God! Right.
How we sang it at the party.
She kept looking at me with those "fuck you" eyes.
Oh, she hated me.
No.
Well She always blamed me for splitting up you and Emmeline.
"Emmeline.
" You did split us up.
What?! For which I'm eternally grateful.
She must be loving what's happened to us now.
She probably would if I told her.
What? As far as she knows, we're still together.
You did not! I wasn't about to give her the satisfaction.
But doesn't she wonder where I am? No, of course she doesn't.
That would mean I'd have to exist.
"Emmeline!" So you and Morning.
Always a fun topic.
Was it everything you'd hoped it would be? I'm not going near that question.
Oh, come on.
I'm imagining it was like driving some amazing German-built sports car.
You're very aware of all the engineers and mechanics who've devoted themselves to creating this one perfect machine.
Yeah, that and a vagina, and you've pretty much got it.
So, was it just that once? Yeah.
No.
No? Twice.
Twice.
And which time would you say was better? Why? I'd like to think it was going downhill.
Definitely downhill.
Good.
In fact, the second time No.
Go on.
Ooh, no.
Second time? The second time was right after her whole cheek debacle.
No.
Ew! She was convinced she was going to be fired.
I assured her she wasn't.
She was "grateful.
" This is horrible.
I resisted.
So strong.
She was persistent.
What could you do? Eventually, she Thanked you? Yeah.
Orally? Might have been.
What a romantic story! Thank you.
So, how about you? How about me what? Have you been "driving" anything lately? No.
Really? No-one? No.
All this time? I've been saving myself for you, don't you know.
If you don't kiss me soon I'm thinking about it.
Do it.
Bossy.
You like it bossy.
I do.
I've missed you, you fucker! I don't know whether to savour every moment or just bash right through.
I would say bash.
Right.
Oh there, there.
What? What's the matter? I keep seeing you with him.
No I thought I could, um, I thought I could but I I can't stop picturing you, the two of you in his bed, with him with all of his enormity.
It's not that big.
I've seen it.
Unless it's one of those very special penises that gets much, much smaller when it gets erect.
Oh, my God! Who cares? It doesn't matter.
Well, it clearly matters to me.
I'm sorry.
I love you, you know that, but I can't I can't do this any more.
Great, you guys, thanks again for coming in.
Yeah, I don't think so.
What? I think it could be fun.
Come on.
A show about three little ghosts? It's a show about dead children! Well, I wouldn't put that in the promos.
Oh, speaking of promos, where are we with Pucks! And the Friends thing? They're shooting it today.
Today? Keep me in the loop, why don't you.
Which one did we get? On a bell.
Speeding.
Action! You actually think your team can beat us? Your guys suck so much, you should be called the Hoovers.
Yeah.
Seriously, Lyman, is that the best you got? Yeah.
It is, yeah.
Cut! Moving on.
Hey, man, thanks for doing this.
Hey, thanks for having me.
Really great to see you again.
Yeah, you too, man.
You're the only one I don't keep in touch with.
Seriously? Yeah.
I still see Schwimmer, and Courtney and I text all the time.
Thanks.
Really? And Jen, too? Yeah.
I house-sit for her when she's in New York.
Huh.
Hey, you don't happen to have her cell number do you? Um You know, I gotta say, I feel a little uncomfortable giving it to you.
Fuck you!